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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Wait a minute.
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Sal, you don't mean that we'll end the show with a riddle
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every week. - Mhm.
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- What kind of riddles? - Any kind.
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[phone ringing]
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Hello.
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Hi, Marge.
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Oh, Rob, there's a Mr. Maxwell Calvada outside to see.
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- Maxwell Calvada? - Yeah.
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Uh, well, tell her to have him wait.
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Have him wait.
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All right.
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What kind of riddles?
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Hey, who's Maxwell Calvada?
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No. No, no.
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Not like that.
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I mean riddles like, what is big and green
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and, uh, has a big trunk?
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An unripe elephant.
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Yeah, like that, only good ones.
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Maxwell Calvada.
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Is he in television?
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No, I think he's got something to do with the government.
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Yeah, the government. The Senate?
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I got it.
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- Senator Calvada, right? - No.
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Big Max Calvada.
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Boy, have you seen him on television.
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He was a guy on the racket investigations, remember?
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Oh.
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That's right.
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They kept him on the stand something like six days.
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That's the guy.
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Yeah, but he never answered one question.
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The papers called him Fifth Amendment Calvada.
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Yeah, and they never pinned one thing on him.
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Yeah.
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Big Max Calvada.
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I, uh, wonder why he's waiting to see you.
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Because I told him to wait.
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I don't think that's a thing a person
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ought to do to Big Max Calvada. - No, no.
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I'd better get him.
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My name is Maxwell Calvada.
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I assume you're Robert Petrie.
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[stuttering]
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Yeah.
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This is my associate, Bernard.
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Oh, uh, h-- hi, Bernard, how are you?
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Oh, excuse me.
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These are my associates.
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This is Sally and Buddy.
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Say hello.
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I know you all very well by reputation.
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Likewise.
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He means, uh, we're very pleased to meet you.
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Well, uh, I--
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I guess we've all been introduced, all right.
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Yeah.
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[nervous laughter]
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All right.
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Now that we've exchanged pleasantries,
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let's get down to business.
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Uh, business?
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Yeah, let's get down to business.
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But first, uh, give me the pleasure of assisting
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a lovely lady to her seat.
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Oh, uh, thank you very much, Mr. Calvada.
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It's nice to have a gentleman around here.
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Thank Edmund Burke and his reflections
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on the French Revolution.
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He said, "the age of chivalry is gone,
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and that of sophisters, economists, and calculators
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has succeeded."
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That Burke sure knew his potatoes.
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You-- you sure do know your break--
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Burke.
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Are you surprised?
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No, no.
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OK.
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Let's knock off the symposium.
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Let's get down to business.
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Oh, excuse me, Mr. Calvada.
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I just can't imagine what kind of business you have with us.
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Oh, no?
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Why not?
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This is it!
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What are you doing?
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Clowning around?
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She's clowning around.
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Yeah. You bet.
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We're just clowning around.
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Well, you see, I find it very convenient
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to have my associate here transcribe
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a shorthand record of any business conversations
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we may have.
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It saves a lot of discussion later.
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That's, uh, a very good idea.
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Head this one "Preliminary meeting,
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Petries, Rogers, and Sorrell."
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That's Sorrell with two L's.
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Or-- or one.
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It makes no difference.
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I'm not too crazy about the name, anyway.
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File number KD431.
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KD, that stands for Kenneth Dexter.
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That's the guy I'm here to see you about.
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We never heard of him, right? We never--
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I-- I don't know who he is.
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No, I never went out with a Kenny Dexter.
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Of course, a lot of fellas don't give their right names.
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Kenneth Dexter is my nephew.
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He's my sister, Sylvia's boy.
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You have a sister?
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Well, sure.
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She's a college graduate.
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And it's Kenneth's ambition to go into show business
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as a comedian.
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The kid breaks me up.
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That is where you come in.
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You see, I have, for a long time,
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been a fan of "The Alan Brady Show."
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Although his particular charm eludes me,
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I've always found the writing to be at the highest caliber.
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Gee, how about that?
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Isn't that a relief-- uh, compliment.
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I like your collective style.
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It's neither too esoteric nor too mundane.
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Pragmatically speaking, it hits me right in the gut.
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It breaks him up.
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That's why I've decided that if Kenneth is going
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to be a comedian and go into show business,
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I want you to write his act.
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Us?
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[stuttering]
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Us?
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Uh, Mr. Calvada, this-- it--
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that comes as kind of a surprise to us.
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We, uh-- we, uh, you know, have a lot of other work to be done.
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I, uh-- would you care if we discuss that?
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No, no. Go ahead.
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Discuss it. - Oh, thank you very much.
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Uh.
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Uh, uh, would you like to-- uh, no, you probably wouldn't.
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No use making them wait out in the hall.
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Go ahead.
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Discuss it.
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Oh, well, uh, all right.
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Hey, Sal, what do you think?
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Oh, gosh, Rob. I-- I don't know.
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What do you think, Buddy?
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Oh, sure, I--
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I agree with Rob.
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Well, there's one thing we-- another--
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that we got to consider is money.
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You know, because we already have a job.
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Yeah, "The Alan Brady Show."
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Yeah, we've got an exclusive contract.
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- Yeah. - That's right.
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That could be worked out.
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Of course, I imagine that could be worked out.
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I think so.
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I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady.
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He knows me.
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And I suppose that Alan knows him, too.
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Oh, sure.
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Then there's the matter of money.
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We're going to have to charge an awful lot of money.
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- Oh, yeah. - A fortune.
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Don't forget there's three of us.
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We get a lot of loot for the three.
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Yeah. MR. CALVADA: Money is no object.
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I would imagine that money is probably no object.
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No, I don't think so.
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No.
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Rob.
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I couldn't help but overhear your discussion.
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And, uh, you seem to be having a little trouble
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arriving at a decision.
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Well, I certainly hope you can see it my way.
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How-- how, uh--
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how upset would you be if-- if we didn't?
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Well, upset isn't the right word.
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Since I've been under analysis, the worst I ever get is cranky.
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Cranky?
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Yeah, like-- like a kid might get.
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Like-- like this, uh, boy of yours might get.
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That's your son, Ritchie.
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Yeah, that's Rich, my boy.
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Uh-huh.
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He's the spitting image of your lovely wife, Laura.
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Oh-- do-- do you know my wife and my lovely Ritchie?
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Yeah.
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I make it a practice to learn as much as I can
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about my business associates.
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[sighing]
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It's unanimous, you guys, right?
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Right, you bet.
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We're looking forward to it.
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Yeah.
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When do we get to meet Mr. Dex--
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Dexter-- Kenny?
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Well, I told him to drop in here on you noon tomorrow.
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The kid'll break you up.
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He will?
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Oh, he'll make us laugh.
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Oh.
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[nervous laughter]
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I can no other answer make but thanks and thanks
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and ever thanks.
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That's Shakespeare.
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Do a good job.
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Bernard.
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[clearing throat]
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Some are born great.
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Some, uh, achieve greatness.
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And, uh, others have greatness thrust upon them.
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Al Capone.
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Rob, dinner's almost ready.
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How can you think of food at a time like this?
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Darling, all you had to do was say no to Mr. Calvada.
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There are some people you don't say no to.
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Max Calvada happens to be one of them.
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Oh, Rob, for heaven's sake.
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This isn't the roaring '20s.
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It's the 1960s.
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That's right.
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And I'd like to be held over for the '70s.
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Rob, he didn't really threaten you, did he?
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He took a long, long look at the picture of Ritchie.
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He did?
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Yeah.
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That's the way they get to you, you know.
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They threaten your family.
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You know what he said about you?
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What?
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He said you were lovely.
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That's what he said.
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He said I was lovely?
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That's right.
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How did he know?
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I mean, how did he know?
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Honey, they have ways.
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They've got a lot of ways to find
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out when a person is lovely.
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Well, anyway, Rob, what kind of a threat is that?
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It's a compliment.
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Not the way he said it.
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It was no compliment, honey.
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But-- is there some way you could get out of it?
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Honey, if I could get out of it,
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I wouldn't have to get out of it,
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because I wouldn't have got into it in the first place.
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Rob, you know, we're being silly.
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You have nothing to worry about because you
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agreed to do the show.
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Honey, I got a-- what if it's no good?
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I got a feeling if our jokes die,
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we're going to go with them.
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Why should your jokes die?
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You're all good writers.
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What if his nephew is a no-good comedian?
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What about that?
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Well, he must have something.
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Oh, he's got something, all right.
270
00:09:57,663 --> 00:09:59,865
A tough uncle.
271
00:09:59,966 --> 00:10:02,435
You're not really that nervous, are you?
272
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:04,804
Not nervous?
273
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:07,707
When's the last time you saw me put on a tie to take a shower?
274
00:10:12,912 --> 00:10:14,780
OK, Marge, send him in.
275
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,249
Well, our great comedian Kenny Dexter is on his way.
276
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,318
Boy, I sure hope he's got some talent.
277
00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:20,586
It'll sure help.
278
00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:21,887
I got a feeling this kid is the worst
279
00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,056
comic since the history of show business.
280
00:10:24,156 --> 00:10:24,790
Wait a minute.
281
00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:28,461
Don't forget I saw you.
282
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:29,929
I'm willing to bet you 10 bucks
283
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:31,597
he's worse than I ever was.
284
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:34,600
I'll take that bet.
285
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:36,469
(IMITATING MOBSTER) All right, you dirty rat.
286
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:37,737
Just give me the jokes.
287
00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:39,438
Because I got a rod in my pocket, see?
288
00:10:39,538 --> 00:10:40,673
And it's curtains for you.
289
00:10:40,773 --> 00:10:42,008
It's a curtain rod.
290
00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:47,613
Uh, Kenny?
291
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:48,914
(IMITATING JERRY LEWIS) Kenny? Kenny?
292
00:10:49,015 --> 00:10:50,516
I don't see a Kenny around here any place.
293
00:10:50,616 --> 00:10:52,351
It's just me, and I'm looking for Dean.
294
00:10:52,451 --> 00:10:53,386
Oh, Dean.
295
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,653
Dean, boys, where are you, Dean?
296
00:10:54,754 --> 00:10:55,955
Oh, Dean.
297
00:10:56,055 --> 00:10:57,523
I know you're around here someplace, Dean.
298
00:10:57,623 --> 00:10:58,624
Say, that's very good, Kenny.
299
00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:00,159
You do impressions, huh?
300
00:11:00,259 --> 00:11:01,694
Can you do Jerry Lewis?
301
00:11:01,794 --> 00:11:03,362
[nervous laughter]
302
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:07,266
(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, I just--
303
00:11:07,366 --> 00:11:08,167
ha, ha, ha.
304
00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:09,869
You're putting me on.
305
00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:11,737
You have my act ready yet?
306
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:13,739
Well, no.
307
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:15,307
Well, we thought we'd like to meet
308
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,943
you, Kenny, and find out what kind of a performer you are.
309
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:22,048
Well, people say I'm kind of a cross between Danny Kaye, Red
310
00:11:22,148 --> 00:11:23,749
Skelton, and Sammy Davis Jr.
311
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:24,784
This kid don't need an act.
312
00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:27,953
He needs a large dressing room.
313
00:11:28,054 --> 00:11:30,189
Hey, you know, I'm glad you didn't write my act yet.
314
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:32,258
See, because I got some great ideas.
315
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:37,329
Now, the way I see it, the act should open with a dark stage.
316
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:38,731
Then a drum roll.
317
00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:40,299
[imitating drum roll]
318
00:11:40,399 --> 00:11:41,434
Then, a spotlight hits me.
319
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,803
And there I am in my white tuxedo.
320
00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:45,037
What a target.
321
00:11:48,908 --> 00:11:50,876
Then I go into my opening number, see? (SINGING)
322
00:11:50,976 --> 00:11:53,412
I will bring you some laughter.
323
00:11:53,512 --> 00:11:54,747
It's your applause that I'm--
324
00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:56,115
Oh, you sing, huh, Kenny?
325
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,349
Yeah.
326
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:59,819
I've been taking voice lessons for 3 and 1/2 weeks.
327
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:02,822
He's ready then.
328
00:12:02,922 --> 00:12:04,290
Listen, Kenny, uh, I'll tell you what.
329
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:07,193
Why don't you let us think up-- sit down, Ken.
330
00:12:10,129 --> 00:12:12,198
Uh.
331
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:15,634
OK, second meeting, Rogers, Petrie, and Sorrell.
332
00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:18,003
It's with two L's.
333
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:19,171
How's everything going?
334
00:12:19,271 --> 00:12:20,005
Oh, just great.
335
00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:21,540
They really dig me, Uncle Max.
336
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:22,675
Yeah, that's nice.
337
00:12:22,775 --> 00:12:23,943
How is it going, Robert?
338
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:25,444
Well, uh, Mr. Calvada.
339
00:12:25,544 --> 00:12:28,147
I haven't had an opportunity to see a lot of young, uh,
340
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:29,181
performers.
341
00:12:29,281 --> 00:12:31,517
But Kenny is really, really something.
342
00:12:31,617 --> 00:12:32,685
What?
343
00:12:32,785 --> 00:12:35,354
Well, uh, he-- he's kind of a, uh,
344
00:12:35,454 --> 00:12:38,424
combination of, uh, Danny Kaye and, uh, Red
345
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:39,925
Skelton and Sammy Davis, Jr.
346
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:43,028
Yeah, he's kind of like a one man "Ed Sullivan Show."
347
00:12:43,129 --> 00:12:44,630
Hey, I do him, too. (IMITATING ED SULLIVAN)
348
00:12:44,730 --> 00:12:47,533
Next on our really big show here tonight, we're going to have--
349
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,702
Have a nice show.
350
00:12:49,802 --> 00:12:51,737
He's opening at the Diamond Club.
351
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:53,038
The Diamond Club?
352
00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:55,141
Uh, you weren't thinking of opening Kenny
353
00:12:55,241 --> 00:12:56,642
at the Diamond Club, were you?
354
00:12:56,742 --> 00:12:58,010
Who's not thinking of it?
355
00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,578
Mr. Calvada, I'll tell you.
356
00:12:59,678 --> 00:13:02,448
The Diamond spot is-- is one of the-- the top spots around.
357
00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:03,816
And-- and Kenny--
358
00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:06,719
I mean, gifted as he may be-- is an unknown.
359
00:13:06,819 --> 00:13:07,920
I know him.
360
00:13:10,656 --> 00:13:12,057
And, coincidentally, the performer
361
00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:18,397
who is currently appearing there took sick next week.
362
00:13:22,201 --> 00:13:24,170
Well, Mr. Calvada, couldn't-- couldn't he-- you--
363
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:25,905
couldn't he be sick in two weeks?
364
00:13:26,005 --> 00:13:27,173
Oh, sorry.
365
00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:29,575
His disease has already been arranged for.
366
00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:32,044
Mr. Calvada, I don't think that will be fair to Kenny.
367
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:34,013
He can't learn a whole act in one week.
368
00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:38,384
Well, I guess I could reschedule his disease.
369
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:39,618
OK.
370
00:13:39,718 --> 00:13:41,353
You got two weeks.
371
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:42,388
Bernard.
372
00:13:47,459 --> 00:13:48,494
Come on, Kenny.
373
00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:49,695
Hey, I got one more. (IMITATING YOGI BEAR)
374
00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:51,263
Hey, hey, hey.
375
00:13:51,363 --> 00:13:53,566
Smarter than the average b-- (NORMAL VOICE) OK, Uncle Max.
376
00:13:56,835 --> 00:13:58,304
Two weeks.
377
00:13:58,404 --> 00:13:59,839
Good luck.
378
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,407
The kid breaks me up.
379
00:14:09,848 --> 00:14:14,253
Well, I'd call the cops, but I don't know what to tell them.
380
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:15,788
We might as well get started, you guys.
381
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:16,855
But what are we going to write?
382
00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:18,057
Our wills.
383
00:14:34,006 --> 00:14:35,574
[quiet laughter]
384
00:14:37,076 --> 00:14:38,377
(QUIETLY) That's funny.
385
00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:54,593
[phone ringing]
386
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:02,935
Hello?
387
00:15:03,035 --> 00:15:04,603
Oh, hi, Buddy.
388
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:06,171
No, I wasn't asleep.
389
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:06,906
No.
390
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,173
You've got an idea?
391
00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:09,108
Look.
392
00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:10,409
Let me take it in the living room.
393
00:15:10,509 --> 00:15:11,744
Laura's asleep. I don't want to wake her up.
394
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:14,546
I'm awake.
395
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,082
She's awake.
396
00:15:17,182 --> 00:15:18,817
Honey, I'm sorry. Look it.
397
00:15:18,917 --> 00:15:19,852
Buddy's got an idea.
398
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:20,853
I'll take it in the living room.
399
00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:22,388
No, no.
400
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:23,756
As long as I'm up, I might as well know what's going on.
401
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:25,024
OK.
402
00:15:25,124 --> 00:15:25,925
Hello, Buddy?
403
00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:29,295
What's your idea?
404
00:15:29,395 --> 00:15:30,763
Oh, that's cute.
405
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:32,898
What is that again?
406
00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:36,902
Secaucus, Schenectady, and Chicago.
407
00:15:37,002 --> 00:15:37,836
[laughter]
408
00:15:37,936 --> 00:15:39,138
It's very good.
409
00:15:39,238 --> 00:15:39,872
OK.
410
00:15:39,972 --> 00:15:41,073
Bye.
411
00:15:41,173 --> 00:15:42,775
Talk to you about it in the morning.
412
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,176
Leaving town?
413
00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:45,177
Huh?
414
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:46,145
Oh, no.
415
00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:48,347
Buddy's got an idea for a bit here.
416
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,549
A train announcer who has an allergy.
417
00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:51,750
Yeah?
418
00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:53,018
And so when he announces the trains,
419
00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:54,486
he can't say the stations. He sneezes them.
420
00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:55,554
Well, like what?
421
00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:59,692
Well, like, he'd say, all aboard for--
422
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,727
(SNEEZING) Schenectady.
423
00:16:01,827 --> 00:16:02,661
Ugh.
424
00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:03,996
All aboard for--
425
00:16:04,096 --> 00:16:06,598
Ch-- (SNEEZING) Ch--
426
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:07,900
Ch-- Chicago.
427
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,068
Ugh.
428
00:16:09,168 --> 00:16:10,002
That's wonderful, Rob.
429
00:16:10,102 --> 00:16:11,136
Try Wichita.
430
00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:12,171
Oh, that's a good one.
431
00:16:12,271 --> 00:16:14,540
All aboard for W--
432
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,076
all aboard for W--
433
00:16:17,176 --> 00:16:17,976
for-- Wich--
434
00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:19,211
Wichita!
435
00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:23,449
Oh, Rob, that's wonderful.
436
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:25,484
Darling, in fact, all the stuff you showed me tonight
437
00:16:25,584 --> 00:16:26,852
just sounds great.
438
00:16:26,952 --> 00:16:28,687
All these things that you've written for him are marvelous.
439
00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:29,988
He's going to be a big hit.
440
00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:32,591
We'll find out at the Diamond Club.
441
00:16:32,691 --> 00:16:33,759
Darling, get some sleep.
442
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:35,060
Oh, I will a little later, honey.
443
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:36,362
I've still got to go over some more ideas.
444
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:43,902
[laughing]
445
00:16:44,002 --> 00:16:46,905
Oh, Rob, that's funny.
446
00:16:47,005 --> 00:16:47,840
What's funny?
447
00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:49,074
That's nervous.
448
00:16:57,649 --> 00:17:00,185
[chatter]
449
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,054
No.
450
00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:03,255
Another drink for everyone?
451
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:04,790
Yeah-- yeah, I'd like another one.
452
00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:05,924
I might as well, yeah.
453
00:17:06,024 --> 00:17:06,992
It might put us in a mellow mood.
454
00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:08,927
You know, more receptive.
455
00:17:09,027 --> 00:17:10,229
Same thing all around.
456
00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:13,499
And for Mrs. Calvada, a black rhinoceros.
457
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:14,533
WAITER: Yes, sir.
458
00:17:14,633 --> 00:17:15,968
Anything else, sir?
459
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:16,969
Start the show.
460
00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:19,438
[snapping]
461
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:20,939
[music playing]
462
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,909
ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's showtime.
463
00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:25,277
Good luck. [nervous laughter]
464
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:26,779
ANNOUNCER: The comedy star of our show
465
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,915
will not appear tonight due to an unexpected illness.
466
00:17:30,015 --> 00:17:31,950
However, in his place, the Diamond Club
467
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,219
is proud to present the fastest rising
468
00:17:34,319 --> 00:17:38,490
comic in show business, the multi-talented Kenny Dexter.
469
00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:40,159
[applause]
470
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:41,560
[music playing]
471
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:44,963
(SINGING OFF-KEY) I will bring you some laughter.
472
00:17:45,063 --> 00:17:48,300
It's your applause that I'm after.
473
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,703
I'll sing, and I'll clown, chase away every frown
474
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:54,440
until I hear you say, encore.
475
00:17:54,540 --> 00:17:58,177
Because I'm a kind of a guy who will say hi,
476
00:17:58,277 --> 00:18:01,213
be out all night on the floor.
477
00:18:01,313 --> 00:18:05,350
Because I love to hear you say, encore.
478
00:18:10,989 --> 00:18:11,857
Yeah.
479
00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:14,393
[applause]
480
00:18:14,493 --> 00:18:15,461
Bernard.
481
00:18:15,561 --> 00:18:16,862
Make a note.
482
00:18:16,962 --> 00:18:21,266
First thing tomorrow, I want to talk to Kenny's voice teacher.
483
00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:22,634
Thank you very much, folks.
484
00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:23,936
My name is Kenny Dexter.
485
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:25,704
[laughter]
486
00:18:25,804 --> 00:18:26,905
He's got a great delivery.
487
00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:28,240
Wonderful.
488
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:29,608
I'd like, at this time, ladies and gentlemen,
489
00:18:29,708 --> 00:18:31,743
to give you my impression of a train announcer
490
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:34,847
who announces trains at a railroad station.
491
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,748
[sneezing]
492
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:37,683
Oh, yeah.
493
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,151
I almost forgot.
494
00:18:39,251 --> 00:18:40,853
Oh, this train announcer, see?
495
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,454
He has an allergy.
496
00:18:42,554 --> 00:18:45,958
And every time he sneezes, he sneezes out the train station--
497
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:47,025
the stop.
498
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:47,993
And here's the first one.
499
00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:48,894
It's really funny.
500
00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:50,529
Watch this.
501
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:51,797
Ah-- ah-- cha--
502
00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:53,599
Schenectady!
503
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:54,967
[nervous laughter]
504
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:55,901
See what I mean?
505
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:56,902
See what I mean?
506
00:18:57,002 --> 00:18:58,804
Ah-- ah-- ah-choo, Buffalo!
507
00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:00,639
See?
508
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:02,541
Ah-- ah-- ch--
509
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:04,209
Wichita, ahchoo.
510
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:06,745
[nervous laughter]
511
00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:07,646
What is this?
512
00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:10,015
An audience or a jury?
513
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:11,283
[music playing]
514
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:13,085
(SINGING) Because I'm the kind of a guy
515
00:19:13,185 --> 00:19:18,223
who will loosen his tie, stay out all night on the floor.
516
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:21,927
Because I love to hear you say, encore.
517
00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:27,232
Yeah.
518
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:28,800
[applause]
519
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:29,701
Hey, encore!
520
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:30,636
Wonderful.
521
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:31,770
Wonderful.
522
00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:34,239
Well, my dear, what do you think of our nephew?
523
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:36,608
He stinks.
524
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:38,977
Well, we certainly have had a wonderful evening, Mr. Calvada.
525
00:19:39,077 --> 00:19:41,246
We hate to eat and run, but we've got to be going home.
526
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:42,848
Just a moment. Just a moment.
527
00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:44,283
Sit down.
528
00:19:44,383 --> 00:19:46,485
Uh, Mrs. Petrie, I've taken the liberty of arranging
529
00:19:46,585 --> 00:19:48,887
for your transportation home, because these folks
530
00:19:48,987 --> 00:19:52,524
have to stay on with me for a little business discussion.
531
00:19:52,624 --> 00:19:53,892
Well, here-- here tonight?
532
00:19:53,992 --> 00:19:57,062
Right now while the memory of Kenneth's debut
533
00:19:57,162 --> 00:19:59,031
is still fresh in our mind.
534
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:01,266
It'll stay fresh in our mind.
535
00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:02,167
Forever.
536
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:03,735
I want it now.
537
00:20:03,835 --> 00:20:09,308
Because as Macbeth said, if it were done, when 'tis done,
538
00:20:09,408 --> 00:20:12,077
'twere better that it were done quickly.
539
00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:14,813
Lloyd, do you mind letting us use your office for a minute?
540
00:20:14,913 --> 00:20:15,814
Sure, Max, sure.
541
00:20:15,914 --> 00:20:17,316
Nice meeting you folks.
542
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:29,728
All right, Bernard, head this one "Rogers, Petrie,
543
00:20:29,828 --> 00:20:31,597
Sorrell, final meeting."
544
00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:33,498
Final meeting?
545
00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:37,736
Could we have lunch once in a while?
546
00:20:37,836 --> 00:20:38,804
Go ahead.
547
00:20:45,711 --> 00:20:46,645
Sit.
548
00:20:51,350 --> 00:20:53,385
I guess we are all agreed that Kenneth's
549
00:20:53,485 --> 00:20:58,290
debut here tonight was something less than a smash, eh?
550
00:20:58,390 --> 00:20:59,191
What do you say, Robert?
551
00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:00,125
Oh.
552
00:21:00,225 --> 00:21:01,526
Well.
553
00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:03,695
I was-- there-- it was a little hard for us to say.
554
00:21:03,795 --> 00:21:05,430
You know, we've been awfully close to working
555
00:21:05,530 --> 00:21:06,732
with, uh, Kenny all the time.
556
00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:09,001
I think there's much can be said, of course,
557
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,302
uh, about Kenny.
558
00:21:10,402 --> 00:21:12,004
That he, uh-- he looked good.
559
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,038
Don't you think he looked good?
560
00:21:13,138 --> 00:21:15,240
Oh, he looked great.
561
00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:16,174
White's your color, kid.
562
00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:17,643
Yeah.
563
00:21:17,743 --> 00:21:19,645
I think we're all agreed that Kenneth looked good.
564
00:21:19,745 --> 00:21:20,479
Thank you.
565
00:21:20,579 --> 00:21:21,346
You know, in that one thing--
566
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:22,281
Shut up.
567
00:21:22,381 --> 00:21:25,217
Now, uh, about the act--
568
00:21:25,317 --> 00:21:26,985
Oh, well, I, uh--
569
00:21:27,085 --> 00:21:28,587
I think he's--
570
00:21:28,687 --> 00:21:30,589
I thought that the, uh, lighting was--
571
00:21:30,689 --> 00:21:32,524
was, uh, brilliant-- brilliant.
572
00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:34,326
And I really would like to compliment the orchestra.
573
00:21:34,426 --> 00:21:35,694
Oh, weren't they marvelous?
574
00:21:35,794 --> 00:21:36,895
The trumpet player was just--
575
00:21:36,995 --> 00:21:37,863
Never missed a beat.
576
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:38,797
Yeah.
577
00:21:38,897 --> 00:21:40,666
About his performance.
578
00:21:40,766 --> 00:21:43,368
Well, uh-- I-- his performance, I think it--
579
00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:45,337
it was sort of, uh--
580
00:21:45,437 --> 00:21:48,073
uh, rotten.
581
00:21:48,173 --> 00:21:49,241
Sort of what?
582
00:21:49,341 --> 00:21:50,442
Rotten.
583
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:55,881
Rotten, eh?
584
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,249
Why?
585
00:21:57,349 --> 00:21:58,717
Well, I-- it might have been opening night jitters even.
586
00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:00,385
Or maybe that's not his room in there.
587
00:22:00,485 --> 00:22:02,454
You-- I--
588
00:22:02,554 --> 00:22:04,423
And maybe the material was bad?
589
00:22:04,523 --> 00:22:05,691
We could rewrite the material.
590
00:22:05,791 --> 00:22:06,391
No.
591
00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:07,993
Hold it a minute.
592
00:22:08,093 --> 00:22:10,028
Mr. Calvada, there-- there was nothing wrong with the material
593
00:22:10,128 --> 00:22:11,196
we wrote for Kenny.
594
00:22:11,296 --> 00:22:12,431
Oh, is that so?
595
00:22:12,531 --> 00:22:13,799
Yeah, that's right.
596
00:22:13,899 --> 00:22:14,866
That's right.
597
00:22:14,966 --> 00:22:16,635
I think you might as well know the truth.
598
00:22:16,735 --> 00:22:18,770
There was something lacking in the way Kenny performed it.
599
00:22:18,870 --> 00:22:19,805
What's that?
600
00:22:19,905 --> 00:22:22,674
Well, talent.
601
00:22:22,774 --> 00:22:24,743
I don't think that Kenny has much.
602
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:26,511
Or at least he didn't have enough.
603
00:22:26,611 --> 00:22:27,713
I-- I'm sorry, Kenny.
604
00:22:27,813 --> 00:22:29,281
And I'm sorry, Mr. Calvada.
605
00:22:29,381 --> 00:22:31,583
But I think somebody should have told him a long time ago
606
00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:33,552
and saved a lot of time and effort.
607
00:22:33,652 --> 00:22:34,686
Oh, that's what you think?
608
00:22:34,786 --> 00:22:35,821
Yeah, that's what I think.
609
00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:37,355
And, uh, well, they agree with me.
610
00:22:37,456 --> 00:22:38,623
Don't you, you guys? - I-- I don't
611
00:22:38,724 --> 00:22:39,591
Well, you see, Rob--
612
00:22:39,691 --> 00:22:42,327
Well, they agree with me.
613
00:22:42,427 --> 00:22:44,029
And the-- well, the whole audience in there--
614
00:22:44,129 --> 00:22:45,430
they-- and my wife--
615
00:22:45,530 --> 00:22:46,498
your wife.
616
00:22:46,598 --> 00:22:48,133
Yeah, your wife said he stinks.
617
00:22:48,233 --> 00:22:49,034
Stinks, yeah.
618
00:22:49,134 --> 00:22:49,968
I agree.
619
00:22:50,068 --> 00:22:51,336
He stinks.
620
00:22:51,436 --> 00:22:53,939
I-- Kenny, I-- it's nothing personal with you.
621
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,607
I mean, it's just-- that's just the way it is.
622
00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:57,275
- I think you've said enough. - I have.
623
00:22:57,375 --> 00:22:58,543
I have.
624
00:22:58,643 --> 00:23:00,078
Yeah, I hope you take this in the spirit
625
00:23:00,178 --> 00:23:01,747
in which it was, uh, given.
626
00:23:01,847 --> 00:23:02,848
Do you?
627
00:23:02,948 --> 00:23:04,549
I-- I don't want to destroy anybody here.
628
00:23:04,649 --> 00:23:07,152
And I fervently hope you feel the same way.
629
00:23:11,323 --> 00:23:12,457
All right, Robert.
630
00:23:12,557 --> 00:23:13,458
I'm going to give it to you straight.
631
00:23:13,558 --> 00:23:14,693
Straight?
632
00:23:14,793 --> 00:23:15,627
Yeah.
633
00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:17,796
I agree with every word you said.
634
00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:19,464
You do?
635
00:23:19,564 --> 00:23:21,266
Well, then why are you trying to get him in--
636
00:23:21,366 --> 00:23:22,868
in show business?
637
00:23:22,968 --> 00:23:26,238
I'm trying to get him out of show business and into college.
638
00:23:26,338 --> 00:23:27,873
Tell them what our deal is, Kenneth.
639
00:23:30,942 --> 00:23:32,744
Well, I always said I'd be great
640
00:23:32,844 --> 00:23:35,480
if I had the right chance, you know, with good writers,
641
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:37,082
a big nightclub--
642
00:23:37,182 --> 00:23:39,518
And a $300 white suit.
643
00:23:39,618 --> 00:23:41,052
Well, my parents and Uncle Max--
644
00:23:41,153 --> 00:23:43,388
they wanted me to go on to college and study accounting,
645
00:23:43,488 --> 00:23:44,322
see?
646
00:23:44,422 --> 00:23:45,757
So we made this deal.
647
00:23:45,857 --> 00:23:48,226
If I didn't make it tonight, then I forget about show
648
00:23:48,326 --> 00:23:49,661
business for a while.
649
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:51,663
Well, now I think I ought to have something else
650
00:23:51,763 --> 00:23:53,498
to fall back on just in case.
651
00:23:53,598 --> 00:23:55,066
I don't know.
652
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:58,270
The kid still breaks me up.
653
00:23:58,370 --> 00:24:01,139
You know, maybe tonight wasn't a fair test, Uncle Max.
654
00:24:01,239 --> 00:24:02,274
I was nervous out there.
655
00:24:02,374 --> 00:24:03,241
Oh?
656
00:24:03,341 --> 00:24:04,276
Well, are you nervous now?
657
00:24:04,376 --> 00:24:05,177
No.
658
00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:06,211
Well, go ahead.
659
00:24:06,311 --> 00:24:07,145
Give it to us again.
660
00:24:07,245 --> 00:24:08,046
Give us that big finish.
661
00:24:08,146 --> 00:24:09,481
Let's hear it.
662
00:24:09,581 --> 00:24:10,816
You mean, from when the band starts coming back in?
663
00:24:10,916 --> 00:24:12,150
Yeah.
664
00:24:12,250 --> 00:24:15,787
(SINGING OFF KEY) Da, da. 'Cause I love to hear you say,
665
00:24:15,887 --> 00:24:16,788
encore.
666
00:24:19,858 --> 00:24:21,493
Take off the white suit.
667
00:24:30,068 --> 00:24:31,770
I'd offer you a drink, but I know you
668
00:24:31,870 --> 00:24:32,938
don't want to stay any later.
669
00:24:33,038 --> 00:24:34,306
Your wives must be waiting for you.
670
00:24:34,406 --> 00:24:35,574
- Yeah. - That's right.
671
00:24:35,674 --> 00:24:36,775
We'd better go, you guys.
672
00:24:36,875 --> 00:24:38,743
Yeah, I got a cat that worries, too.
673
00:24:38,844 --> 00:24:39,578
Yeah.
674
00:24:39,678 --> 00:24:41,179
So, uh, uh, Bernard.
675
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:53,892
[music playing]
45228
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