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[theme song]
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NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[music playing]
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Hey, Rob, think I ought to get some seats?
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No, let's look around a little while.
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We got plenty of time before the auction starts.
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OK.
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Boy, he must have been some wealthy old guy.
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Yeah, now I know why they say you can't take it with you.
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This guy would have needed a moving van.
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Gee, have you ever seen so many marvelous things?
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Oh, I could just bid on everything.
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You can't bid on everything.
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Oh, I know.
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I know, darling.
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I just want to find one good thing,
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and I'm depending on you to keep me in control.
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So if I say I like something, don't let me have it.
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If I say I love it, don't let me have it.
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Well, how do I know when to stop controlling you then?
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Well, if I love something, and you say I can't bid on it
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and you feel my nails digging into your arm you know.
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Seems fair enough.
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I'm going to just look around by myself for a while, darling.
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OK.
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Gee, I could just bid on everything.
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Hey, Rob, you better watch your wife.
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If she's like my wife, Pickles, she buys all kinds of junk,
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and never uses it. - Oh, I don't know.
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Last time she came home with a beautiful rocker.
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Yeah, she's been off it ever since.
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Well, I still don't know why we have to be here.
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Because we don't know that much about auctions.
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This is research.
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Research for a comedy show?
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Since when do we have to know what we're writing about?
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That's right.
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We once did a sketch of an astronaut.
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You remember for Alan Brady?
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We didn't have to fly to the Moon.
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Well, we got to find something for Alan
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to buy at the auction sketch.
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And it's got to be something really wild.
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Hey, how about one of the big horses
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with a clock in the belly?
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No, somebody gives that as a TV award.
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Yeah, we almost won that one too.
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Hey, this is good.
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Yeah.
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What is it?
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It's a hooka.
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You know, Turkish waterpipe.
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Oh.
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Looks like a seltzer bottle with a thyroid condition.
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Hey, who would want a thing like that?
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Lots of people.
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They make beautiful lamps.
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You know, Alan could do some funny things with a water pipe.
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He could inhale, and darn near drown himself.
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Help!
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Help!
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All righty.
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We'll think of something better.
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Hey, Rob, look at this gorgeous vase.
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Yeah, I know what that is too.
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That's an old cremation urn.
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They put the ashes in there.
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Yeah, I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those.
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Hey, Rob, you know with the right shade,
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this would make a gorgeous lamp.
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Oh, I'd like that.
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Hey, group, come here.
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Look at this thing.
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An elephant's foot.
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How would you like to carry that for good luck?
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No, that's an umbrella stand.
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Hey, you know something?
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If you ran a wire up through the foot, up the back,
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put a shade on it that would make a fabulous floor lamp.
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Why don't we get the rest of the elephant
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and make a chandelier?
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A challenge for you here.
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Sal, what would you make out of that?
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All right, let's see.
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You take the shade off, pull the wiring out, that would
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make a gorgeous vase.
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Thought I had her there for a minute.
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- Hey, kids. - What?
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- I think I found it. - You did?
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- The perfect thing. - You're kidding me.
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What? What?
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Look.
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You're going to love it.
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Well, isn't it marvelous?
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Oh, yeah, it's adorable.
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What is that?
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I don't know, but I love it, and I've got to have it.
100
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Well, what's it for? What's it called?
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Well, I don't know.
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It's a thing.
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Looks like a hood ornament for a '32 Hupmobile.
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What do you think, Sal?
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I don't even think it'd make a good lamp.
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Well, who'd want to?
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Its perfect just the way it Is
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Honey, what for?
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You don't even know what that is.
110
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Hey now, wait a minute.
111
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Having this in your house could be against your religion.
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Rob, I gotta have it.
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It'll be beautiful.
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Where?
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Well, I haven't made up my mind yet.
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But it's a perfect thing.
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I'll find a place for it.
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You know something that's a funny part of it?
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She'll find a place for it, it'll look beautiful.
120
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She's got a lot of talent in that direction.
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I got it.
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This is the thing we're looking for for Alan
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to do in the sketch.
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Yeah!
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No, it's mine.
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Honey, we're not going to bid against you.
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You go ahead and buy it and we'll just borrow it from you.
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MAN: All right, ladies and gentlemen, if you'll be
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kind enough to take your seats.
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The sale is about to start.
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John, John, look.
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Here's the thing I was telling you about.
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Hey, that's a great looking thing.
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Let's bid on it. - All right.
135
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Oh, my goodness. - Take your seats, folks.
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Thank you, thank you. - Oh, pardon me.
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Yeah, oughta look real good.
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Oh, Rob.
139
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Just sit down.
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They're going to bid on it.
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Will you sit down and relax?
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I just hope I get it.
143
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AUCTIONEER: I have 15.
144
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15.
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Ladies and gentlemen, this is worth
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more than that if you just want to throw it at somebody.
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15 once.
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Hey, maybe we can make Alan a funny auctioneer.
149
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That's good.
150
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AUCTIONEER: 15, third and last time.
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Sold.
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Hey, I bet they make a lamp out of it.
153
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Oh, Rob, they're putting up the thing!
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I know, honey.
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Just remember, you can only go as high as $20.
156
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Well, what if those people outbid me, and I lose it?
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It's not whether you win or lose.
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It's how you play the game.
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Losing is a great little character builder for you.
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All right, honey.
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If it goes a little over $20, you can have it.
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Thank you, darling.
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Ladies and gentlemen, I've been in this business
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a long, long time, and every once in a while
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I get something to sell that is really unique.
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What am I bid for this thing?
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We were right.
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It's a thing.
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We're not sure what it is, but if you like it
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it's worth having.
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$1.
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$1?
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You want to buy it or rent it?
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$2.
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No, I'm only kidding, young lady.
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I'll take your bet. I have one dollar.
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Do I hear more? - Five.
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Five? WOMAN: Five.
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Five, I have five. Thank you.
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Six. AUCTIONEER: Six, I have six.
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Six will say 10. 10?
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10.
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Thank you, I have 10.
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10? - 11.
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AUCTIONEER: 11. 11.
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Who'll make it 15?
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15.
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AUCTIONEER: 15, thank you. I have 15.
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16.
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16, oh I'll get that dollar from you yet, young lady.
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I have 16, who'll make it 20?
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20, I have 20, thank you.
193
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21? - 22.
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No, I'm only asking.
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I have 21.
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Who'll make it 25?
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25, thank you.
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I have 25.
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26? - Rob?
200
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Nope.
201
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AUCTIONEER: I have 25.
202
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25 once, twice, third and last call.
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This is it, ladies and gentlemen, any more?
204
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30.
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I have 30.
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30 once.
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Are you buying this for the pretty dollar lady?
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Yes, I am.
209
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Sold.
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00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,916
Oh, Rob, thank you.
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What's $30 as long as we got the thing?
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And you're the first kid on your block to have one.
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What I don't understand is how the bidding got that high.
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Yeah, I don't either.
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There was only one lady bidding against me.
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Well, I never heard her say $25.
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Hey, you think maybe this auction is rigged?
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Oh, no.
219
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We probably just didn't hear them.
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Well, I don't care just as long as I got the thing.
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Ladies, and gentlemen, our next item.
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The artist is Artanis.
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I'm not familiar with the name, but the technique
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seems to be quite good.
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And it's a very nice painting indeed.
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How will we start?
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Should we start with $25?
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Can I hear 25?
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I had 25, thank you.
230
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Who'll make it 50?
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50?
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50, I have 50, thank you. $50.
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The frame is worth more than that.
234
00:07:37,056 --> 00:07:37,723
60.
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00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:38,825
AUCTIONEER: 60, I have 60.
236
00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:40,193
Can I hear 75?
237
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75, thank you, sir.
238
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Hear 100?
239
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100?
240
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:45,431
Oh, I know why we haven't heard any bids.
241
00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:46,666
A lot of those people are signaling.
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Hey, what kind of signal?
243
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:49,569
AUCTIONEER: 100, 100? - All different kinds.
244
00:07:49,669 --> 00:07:50,837
AUCTIONEER: Well, how about 90?
245
00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:52,638
The guy over there just pulled his ear.
246
00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:54,140
AUCTIONEER: How about 85, someone?
247
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:55,041
What do you mean?
248
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Like that.
249
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AUCTIONEER: 85, right there.
250
00:07:58,344 --> 00:07:59,278
I have 85.
251
00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:00,213
90, I have 90.
252
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,347
Who'll make it 100?
253
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:02,482
And another guy touched his nose.
254
00:08:02,582 --> 00:08:03,716
100, thank you.
255
00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:05,685
I have a hundred, Who'll make it 110?
256
00:08:05,785 --> 00:08:07,753
Hey, we could use this in the sketch.
257
00:08:07,854 --> 00:08:10,089
Alan could bid on things without even knowing it.
258
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AUCTIONEER: 110, I have 110.
259
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:12,725
Who says 120?
260
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:14,093
He could wave at somebody in the front row.
261
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120, thank you.
262
00:08:16,095 --> 00:08:17,330
Who'll say 130?
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00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:18,631
Rob?
264
00:08:18,731 --> 00:08:20,066
Just a second, honey.
265
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Hey, hey, or he could scratch his head.
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You know, like this.
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Thank you sir, I have 130.
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130 right there.
269
00:08:25,738 --> 00:08:26,639
Who'll say 140?
270
00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:28,507
Or he can chase a fly away.
271
00:08:28,608 --> 00:08:29,442
AUCTIONEER: 140.
272
00:08:29,542 --> 00:08:30,409
Rob!
273
00:08:30,509 --> 00:08:31,344
Huh?
274
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:32,345
You just bid $140.
275
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,379
I did?
276
00:08:33,479 --> 00:08:34,814
AUCTIONEER: Who'll make it 150?
277
00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:35,581
How?
278
00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:36,716
Well, you went like this.
279
00:08:36,816 --> 00:08:39,886
AUCTIONEER: Thank you, ma'am, 150.
280
00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:41,320
You just bid!
281
00:08:41,420 --> 00:08:42,221
What do we do?
282
00:08:42,321 --> 00:08:43,256
Don't move.
283
00:08:46,058 --> 00:08:48,027
I have 150.
284
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:49,095
Do I hear 160?
285
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:50,796
I-- I better tell them we're not bidding.
286
00:08:50,897 --> 00:08:52,131
AUCTIONEER: Who says 160?
287
00:08:52,231 --> 00:08:53,032
Hey!
288
00:08:53,132 --> 00:08:54,634
AUCTIONEER: 160.
289
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:56,536
I did it again.
290
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:58,471
There's no need to shout, sir.
291
00:08:58,571 --> 00:08:59,405
I can see you.
292
00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:00,373
I did it again.
293
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:01,707
I don't want the painting.
294
00:09:01,807 --> 00:09:04,043
AUCTIONEER: All right, are you all done at 160?
295
00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:05,011
Listen--
296
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:06,646
I know you want the picture, but you
297
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:08,581
can't raise your own bid.
298
00:09:08,681 --> 00:09:11,651
There's a lucky break.
299
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:13,219
AUCTIONEER: I have 160. Can I hit--
300
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:14,387
170. AUCTIONEER: 170.
301
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,188
I have 170. Who'll say 180?
302
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,390
Boy.
303
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:20,393
180.
304
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:21,360
Don't tell me.
305
00:09:21,460 --> 00:09:22,862
You bid it.
306
00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:25,131
180 once.
307
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:26,065
180 twice.
308
00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:26,766
Stop him.
309
00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:28,034
What are we going to do?
310
00:09:28,134 --> 00:09:29,468
Figure out where you're going to hang it.
311
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:34,173
AUCTIONEER: 180 third and last time.
312
00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:37,376
Sold to the man who bought the thing.
313
00:09:37,476 --> 00:09:38,311
Boy.
314
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:41,314
[music playing]
315
00:09:42,581 --> 00:09:43,649
Well, you see, I wasn't actually bidding.
316
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:44,617
I was just showing--
317
00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:46,052
I understand, Mr. Petrie.
318
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:48,421
But it's not my fault. You should
319
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:49,755
have told me at the time.
320
00:09:49,855 --> 00:09:51,991
Well, I tried to, and it cost me an extra $10.
321
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:54,126
I'm really sorry, sir, but it's out of my hands.
322
00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:55,995
The state has laws that govern these things.
323
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,630
- I see. - But I wouldn't feel too badly.
324
00:09:57,730 --> 00:09:59,065
You've got a very nice painting there.
325
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:02,368
And as I said, the frame is surely worth something.
326
00:10:02,468 --> 00:10:04,003
Now, wait a minute.
327
00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:06,539
There's an artist, a man who comes around here.
328
00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:08,207
He's an art dealer.
329
00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:10,476
He usually comes, but he wasn't here tonight.
330
00:10:10,576 --> 00:10:12,144
Here you are.
331
00:10:12,244 --> 00:10:13,379
Ernest Holdecker.
332
00:10:13,479 --> 00:10:14,647
AUCTIONEER: Yes, you call him.
333
00:10:14,747 --> 00:10:16,315
He's liable to take this off your hands.
334
00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:17,817
Oh, thank you very, very much.
335
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,352
- Good night. - Good night.
336
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,286
Bye,
337
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:21,887
Good night.
338
00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:24,323
Hey, Rob, there's no reason for you to pay for the whole thing.
339
00:10:24,423 --> 00:10:25,358
We're in this together.
340
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,592
Why don't we split it?
341
00:10:26,692 --> 00:10:27,493
Yeah, and that way we could each have
342
00:10:27,593 --> 00:10:28,361
the picture four months.
343
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:29,962
Oh, no.
344
00:10:30,062 --> 00:10:32,031
It was my stupidity that got us into this thing to start with.
345
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:33,866
Well, darling, maybe we'll be able to sell it.
346
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:35,468
Sure and if we make money, swell.
347
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:37,036
If not, we can split the loss.
348
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:38,838
Oh, that's awful nice of you guys.
349
00:10:38,938 --> 00:10:42,308
Yeah, we're known for that.
350
00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:43,609
I could-- I could kick myself.
351
00:10:43,709 --> 00:10:44,744
Don't do it.
352
00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:46,512
The guy will think you're bidding.
353
00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:48,814
Let's get out of here.
354
00:10:48,914 --> 00:10:50,116
Oh, Laura, let me help you with that.
355
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:52,885
No, no, I want to get to know it.
356
00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:55,521
Hey, Buddy, why don't you steer it?
357
00:10:55,621 --> 00:10:58,391
Yeah, all right.
358
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,426
Here comes to showboat.
359
00:11:00,526 --> 00:11:04,063
[music playing]
360
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:14,040
Did you figure out what to do with it yet?
361
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:18,010
Not sure, but I think it might make a dictionary stand.
362
00:11:20,646 --> 00:11:21,847
Hey, that's pretty clever.
363
00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:23,315
Then you can look it up in the dictionary,
364
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,350
and find out what it is.
365
00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:28,554
Where are you going on with it?
366
00:11:28,654 --> 00:11:29,488
In the bedroom.
367
00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:31,090
Why the bedroom?
368
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,925
Well, if I see it first thing in the morning, it may hit me.
369
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:34,827
I just hope it doesn't attack us.
370
00:11:46,605 --> 00:11:47,540
You call Mr. Holdecker?
371
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,276
Yeah, not in.
372
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:52,578
What are we going to do if we can't sell that?
373
00:11:52,678 --> 00:11:54,046
I don't know, darling.
374
00:11:54,146 --> 00:11:58,284
You know, the more I look at it the less I hate it.
375
00:11:58,384 --> 00:11:59,585
$180 worth?
376
00:11:59,685 --> 00:12:03,556
Yeah, I know that's a lot I'm not hating, but you know,
377
00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:06,459
the colors aren't too bad in here.
378
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,494
Hold it up over the couch, would you, darling, please?
379
00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:09,962
- Oh, honey-- - Well, come on.
380
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:11,197
I can't lift it myself. Just put it right over there.
381
00:12:11,297 --> 00:12:12,231
OK.
382
00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:17,269
Bleh.
383
00:12:20,739 --> 00:12:22,374
Little to the right, dear.
384
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:23,609
Now move your head.
385
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:24,844
Oh, come on.
386
00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:28,781
That's good.
387
00:12:28,881 --> 00:12:31,283
No, that's bad.
388
00:12:31,383 --> 00:12:32,918
Oh, boy, just my luck.
389
00:12:33,018 --> 00:12:33,819
What's the matter?
390
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,321
Well, it's chipped.
391
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,757
There's nothing more worthless than a chipped Artanis.
392
00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:39,959
Well, how come we didn't notice that before?
393
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:42,895
Because we never really looked at it before.
394
00:12:42,995 --> 00:12:45,264
You know there's something funny about this.
395
00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:46,365
What?
396
00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:48,200
I think there's another painting under here.
397
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,268
Where?
398
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:52,938
Well, isn't that an eye under his cheek?
399
00:12:53,038 --> 00:12:54,206
Oh, I don't know.
400
00:12:54,306 --> 00:12:55,708
Well don't-- don't scratch it, darling.
401
00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:56,675
You'll ruin it.
402
00:12:56,776 --> 00:13:00,479
Well, honey, it's ruined.
403
00:13:00,579 --> 00:13:02,781
Hey, you're right.
404
00:13:02,882 --> 00:13:05,151
That-- that's an eye.
405
00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:06,385
A person's eye.
406
00:13:08,787 --> 00:13:12,191
Rob, artists do paint over other paintings, don't they?
407
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:13,359
Oh, sure.
408
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:14,660
Sometimes they paint something they don't like,
409
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,128
and they just paint over it.
410
00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:18,164
And some guys can't afford new canvases so they just
411
00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:21,200
paint right over old paintings.
412
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:26,005
During the war, they used to paint over old masters
413
00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:28,607
so they wouldn't fall into enemy hands.
414
00:13:28,707 --> 00:13:30,309
Wonder what's under this one.
415
00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:31,777
I don't know.
416
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:34,880
Honey, you ever read about that junkman that found a Rembrandt
417
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:36,248
under a worthless painting?
418
00:13:36,348 --> 00:13:37,950
Uh-huh.
419
00:13:38,050 --> 00:13:41,387
This is a worthless painting.
420
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,889
Rob, that doesn't mean there's a Rembrandt under there.
421
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:47,526
Well, no maybe a van Gogh or a Gauguin.
422
00:13:47,626 --> 00:13:49,094
Or another Artanis
423
00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:50,896
Maybe, honey, but there's every possibility
424
00:13:50,996 --> 00:13:55,134
that there may be a very valuable painting under here.
425
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:57,436
Oh, Rob, do you really th--
426
00:13:57,536 --> 00:13:58,938
no.
427
00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:00,539
Things like that just don't happen to people like us.
428
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:03,175
Yeah, yeah, that's what people say before it happens to them.
429
00:14:03,275 --> 00:14:05,344
When it happens to them, then they aren't people like them
430
00:14:05,444 --> 00:14:07,613
anymore.
431
00:14:07,713 --> 00:14:10,683
Honey, get me some turpentine.
432
00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:12,851
Oh, Rob do you really think that--
433
00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:13,886
Honey, I don't know.
434
00:14:13,986 --> 00:14:15,087
I don't know.
435
00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:16,555
All I know is there's an eye there,
436
00:14:16,655 --> 00:14:20,159
and where there's an eye, there's got to be a face.
437
00:14:20,259 --> 00:14:23,395
And if that face is sitting on a rocking chair sideways,
438
00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:26,498
we may have found Whistler's father.
439
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:27,600
That's valuable.
440
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,772
Rob, I don't believe it.
441
00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:35,341
How about that?
442
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:38,010
Do you really think it could be a Grant Wood?
443
00:14:38,110 --> 00:14:39,812
Honey, I don't know.
444
00:14:39,912 --> 00:14:43,048
Honey, prop the art book over there on the sofa.
445
00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:45,351
I want to compare them side by side.
446
00:14:53,692 --> 00:14:55,127
Honey, it's the same people.
447
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,129
It's the same house as in "American Gothic."
448
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,797
It's even the same pitchfork.
449
00:14:58,897 --> 00:15:00,399
Yeah but our people are smiling.
450
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:06,972
Yeah, well, maybe they had a good crop that year.
451
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,874
You know, in the famous one, maybe
452
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:10,743
they could have just found out they had worms
453
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:12,244
in their tomatoes or something.
454
00:15:12,344 --> 00:15:13,979
It sure looks like the same painter.
455
00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:14,947
ROB: It sure does.
456
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:16,548
You know what?
457
00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:19,918
The sad one probably caught on, and they forgot all about ours.
458
00:15:20,019 --> 00:15:22,554
Honey, that could be worth a fortune.
459
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:23,989
How much do you think?
460
00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:27,993
Well, if it's a Grant Wood, a lot more than $180.
461
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:30,596
Oh, Rob.
462
00:15:30,696 --> 00:15:33,999
Hey, where did he sign that?
463
00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:36,702
Lower right hand corner.
464
00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:38,270
Honey, get me that rag.
465
00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:43,575
Lower right hand corner.
466
00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:44,743
Uh-huh.
467
00:15:44,843 --> 00:15:45,744
It's painted over.
468
00:15:45,844 --> 00:15:47,279
Now be careful, Rob.
469
00:15:47,379 --> 00:15:50,015
I will.
470
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:56,488
There's an O. There's another O. Ha,
471
00:15:56,588 --> 00:16:00,359
there's a D, O-O-D. Oh, I almost wiped out one of the O's.
472
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:01,727
No, Rob, don't do anymore, please.
473
00:16:01,827 --> 00:16:02,761
Yeah.
474
00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:03,829
Oh, honey, I can't believe it.
475
00:16:03,929 --> 00:16:05,097
But that's enough proof for me.
476
00:16:05,197 --> 00:16:10,269
Ood You know what I'm going to do?
477
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:11,570
I'm going to call Holdecker.
478
00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:12,471
He's the expert.
479
00:16:12,571 --> 00:16:13,472
Now get him over here.
480
00:16:13,572 --> 00:16:14,707
Yeah, and then call Buddy and Sally,
481
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,675
and tell them they may be rich.
482
00:16:16,775 --> 00:16:17,976
Why?
483
00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:20,245
Because they offered to go in on it with you.
484
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:23,148
Well, sure they offered to pay for it when they thought it was
485
00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:24,650
a worthless painting, but now that we
486
00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:26,752
think it may be a masterpiece--
487
00:16:26,852 --> 00:16:27,686
yeah, you're right.
488
00:16:27,786 --> 00:16:28,854
They may want in on it.
489
00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:30,122
I'll call them.
490
00:16:33,759 --> 00:16:35,594
Huh?
491
00:16:35,694 --> 00:16:37,129
What do you think?
492
00:16:37,229 --> 00:16:38,530
Well, there's one thing you got to say about great art.
493
00:16:38,630 --> 00:16:40,833
Everybody sees something different in a painting.
494
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:42,167
What do you see, Sal?
495
00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:45,204
Oh, I see a mink coat and a trip to Europe.
496
00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:46,705
Before you book passage, you better wait
497
00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:47,773
till that art guy gets here.
498
00:16:47,873 --> 00:16:48,874
You may have to swim.
499
00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:49,975
Oh, Buddy.
500
00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:51,276
That's what I like about him.
501
00:16:51,377 --> 00:16:52,845
Always looks at the bright side of things.
502
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:53,779
I'm a realist.
503
00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:55,114
A realist?
504
00:16:55,214 --> 00:16:56,882
I'll give you a $60 for your share right now.
505
00:16:56,982 --> 00:17:00,152
Yeah, I said realist not stupid-ist.
506
00:17:00,252 --> 00:17:01,153
[doorbell rings]
507
00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:02,087
There he is.
508
00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:03,088
He'll tell you.
509
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:04,490
Keep your fingers crossed.
510
00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:07,726
Good evening.
511
00:17:07,826 --> 00:17:08,794
You are Petrie?
512
00:17:08,894 --> 00:17:09,728
Yes, sir.
513
00:17:09,828 --> 00:17:10,662
[clicks shoes together]
514
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:12,231
Holdecker.
515
00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:14,700
Come in, won't you?
516
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,269
I'd like you for you to meet these people.
517
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:21,707
This is my wife, Laura, Mr. Sorrell, and Miss Rogers.
518
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:22,641
How do you do?
519
00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:23,542
Hi.
520
00:17:23,642 --> 00:17:26,111
Holdecker.
521
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:27,579
Well, this-- this is the painting.
522
00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:31,150
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
523
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:34,386
I need a clean rag, some turpentine,
524
00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:37,756
and about this much white wine.
525
00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:39,458
ROB: Wine.
526
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:40,859
Honey, would you get him some wine--
527
00:17:40,959 --> 00:17:41,760
Sure thing.
528
00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:42,961
--for Mr. Holdecker.
529
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,430
What-- what do you do with the wine?
530
00:17:44,530 --> 00:17:46,899
I drink it.
531
00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:48,367
He drinks it.
532
00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:50,636
Wait till you see what he does with the turpentine.
533
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:53,439
Well, what do you think of the painting?
534
00:17:53,539 --> 00:17:57,042
Mr. Petrie, one does not attack a painting.
535
00:17:57,142 --> 00:18:00,079
One approaches it as it would a woman.
536
00:18:00,179 --> 00:18:01,313
Is she beautiful?
537
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:02,714
Does she have a heart?
538
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:04,283
Does she have a soul?
539
00:18:04,383 --> 00:18:06,718
These are not judgments you make in an instant.
540
00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:07,986
Hey, he's right.
541
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,321
You can look at my wife for a whole year
542
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:12,558
and not see one of those things.
543
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:13,792
Yes.
544
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:15,060
Mr. Holdecker.
545
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,728
Oh, thank you, thank you, my dear.
546
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:18,097
Thank you.
547
00:18:18,197 --> 00:18:19,598
I drink to your good health, your good fortune.
548
00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:20,632
Thank you.
549
00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:30,742
Well, could we--
550
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,077
Yes, yes, yes.
551
00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:33,579
We will now meet with us your painting, yeah.
552
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,855
Excuse me.
553
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:48,360
Eh-heh, eh-heh, he-he, he-he-he.
554
00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:52,197
Hm.
555
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,902
Are we in your way?
556
00:18:57,002 --> 00:18:58,203
No, no, sit, sit.
557
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:20,792
Get away from me.
558
00:19:24,630 --> 00:19:25,464
So.
559
00:19:25,564 --> 00:19:27,099
Well?
560
00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:30,502
So my dear.
561
00:19:34,072 --> 00:19:35,407
Well?
562
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:37,876
[clears throat] Thank you.
563
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,285
Ah.
564
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,889
Ah.
565
00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:51,790
Mr. Petrie.
566
00:19:51,890 --> 00:19:52,824
Yes, yes.
567
00:19:54,793 --> 00:19:58,430
I would say that this is a Good painting.
568
00:19:58,530 --> 00:19:59,197
ALL: Oh!
569
00:19:59,298 --> 00:20:01,366
New York, here I come.
570
00:20:01,466 --> 00:20:02,868
It's a Grant Wood.
571
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:03,969
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
572
00:20:04,069 --> 00:20:05,704
I said this is a Good painting.
573
00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:06,405
ROB: So?
574
00:20:06,505 --> 00:20:08,373
Good, Nathaniel Good.
575
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:13,045
What?
576
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:15,414
Good's an imitator of Wood.
577
00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:22,287
You see Wood is a great painter, and Good copies
578
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:23,555
Wood's paintings.
579
00:20:23,655 --> 00:20:26,325
Unfortunately, Good is no good.
580
00:20:28,827 --> 00:20:29,728
He kids around too much.
581
00:20:29,828 --> 00:20:31,196
Look at that smiling. That's terrible.
582
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:32,431
It's rotten.
583
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,301
Mr. Holdecker, are you-- are you sure?
584
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:37,970
Oh, beyond the question.
585
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,339
In other words, we did buy a worthless painting.
586
00:20:40,439 --> 00:20:41,540
No, I didn't say that.
587
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,141
No, no, I said you bought a painting
588
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,777
worth approximately $300.
589
00:20:45,877 --> 00:20:47,879
Wow, well, that's better than nothing.
590
00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:49,581
Yeah, but it's still not enough for a trip
591
00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:50,916
to Europe and a mink coat.
592
00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:54,086
So you take a trip to Hoboken in a cloth coat.
593
00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:55,487
Mr. Holdecker, would--
594
00:20:55,587 --> 00:20:57,623
would you give $300 for the painting?
595
00:20:57,723 --> 00:21:02,127
Well, the Artanis is worth $300 complete.
596
00:21:02,227 --> 00:21:03,128
Well, what about the Good?
597
00:21:03,228 --> 00:21:04,529
Oh, Good?
598
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:08,233
Well, that's worth about $40 for laughs, you know.
599
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:10,202
I've never heard of Artanis.
600
00:21:10,302 --> 00:21:12,771
Ah, that's very interesting fact.
601
00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:14,273
Very few people did.
602
00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:16,642
May I have some more wine.
603
00:21:16,742 --> 00:21:17,442
Thank you.
604
00:21:17,542 --> 00:21:19,645
What-- what about Artanis?
605
00:21:19,745 --> 00:21:23,548
Artanis tent this is the pseudonym for a very famous
606
00:21:23,649 --> 00:21:26,118
actor who paints for a hobby.
607
00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:27,819
What he wanted was for his paintings
608
00:21:27,919 --> 00:21:31,556
to be regarded and loved for their intrinsic value rather
609
00:21:31,657 --> 00:21:32,791
than the fact that he painted them.
610
00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:35,727
So he signed some of them backwards.
611
00:21:35,827 --> 00:21:37,095
Backwards?
612
00:21:37,195 --> 00:21:39,331
S-I-N-A-T--
613
00:21:39,431 --> 00:21:40,565
MR. HOLDECKER: That's right.
614
00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:42,768
You are the proud owner of a Sinatra.
615
00:21:42,868 --> 00:21:44,603
Sinatra!
616
00:21:44,703 --> 00:21:46,905
And I would say half a Sinatra.
617
00:21:47,005 --> 00:21:47,939
Frank Sinatra?
618
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,074
Well, that's right, he paints.
619
00:21:49,174 --> 00:21:50,008
MR. HOLDECKER: That's right.
620
00:21:50,108 --> 00:21:53,245
I think he sings too.
621
00:21:53,345 --> 00:21:55,380
You know, it's too bad you schmutz it up.
622
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:02,688
It's quite good, quite good.
623
00:22:02,788 --> 00:22:03,755
Oh, boy.
624
00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:06,358
I schmutzed up an original Frank Sinatra.
625
00:22:06,458 --> 00:22:08,493
You mean, then all this is worth nothing?
626
00:22:08,593 --> 00:22:11,063
Well, let's examine the wreckage.
627
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:18,303
The entire thing as it is now amounts to a total loss.
628
00:22:18,403 --> 00:22:19,471
Well, that's it you guys.
629
00:22:19,571 --> 00:22:21,807
I'm sorry but we're out $180 bucks.
630
00:22:21,907 --> 00:22:23,608
Not necessarily.
631
00:22:23,709 --> 00:22:26,378
Holdecker will give you $80 for the frame.
632
00:22:26,478 --> 00:22:27,412
Is that a good frame?
633
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:28,747
Oh, yeah, that's a good frame.
634
00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:32,150
That's the only thing Good makes good, frames.
635
00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:34,386
How about getting more wine?
636
00:22:38,290 --> 00:22:41,360
So the doctor says, as long as you're afraid of an operation,
637
00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:44,830
I'll just retouch your x-rays.
638
00:22:44,930 --> 00:22:46,565
Good, good.
639
00:22:46,665 --> 00:22:49,101
[non-english speech]
640
00:22:56,608 --> 00:22:58,110
I beg your pardon.
641
00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:03,849
Oh, oh, what I said was with wine everything seems brighter.
642
00:23:03,949 --> 00:23:05,584
Well, you know everything did turn out OK.
643
00:23:05,684 --> 00:23:06,885
We didn't get burned too badly.
644
00:23:06,985 --> 00:23:08,954
You got a good frame, and Buddy and Sally
645
00:23:09,054 --> 00:23:10,422
and I have half a Sinatra.
646
00:23:10,522 --> 00:23:11,757
Hey who's going to keep it?
647
00:23:11,857 --> 00:23:12,591
Can I have it?
648
00:23:12,691 --> 00:23:14,126
What are you gonna do with it?
649
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:15,994
I'm gonna roll it up, shellac it, put a wire through it,
650
00:23:16,094 --> 00:23:16,928
and it'll make a--
651
00:23:17,028 --> 00:23:18,764
BOTH: --gorgeous lamp.
652
00:23:18,864 --> 00:23:21,166
Honey, that reminds me, why don't you show
653
00:23:21,266 --> 00:23:22,167
Mr. Holdecker what you bought?
654
00:23:22,267 --> 00:23:23,235
Oh
655
00:23:23,335 --> 00:23:24,336
SALLY: Oh, yeah, Laura, go ahead.
656
00:23:24,436 --> 00:23:26,271
Show him, show him.
657
00:23:26,371 --> 00:23:27,606
Wait till you see this thing.
658
00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:29,374
This is how we happened to pick up the painting
659
00:23:29,474 --> 00:23:30,809
in the first place.
660
00:23:30,909 --> 00:23:32,144
We were at an antique auction doing some research
661
00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:33,345
for "The Alan Brady Show."
662
00:23:33,445 --> 00:23:35,013
"The Alan Brady Show?"
663
00:23:35,113 --> 00:23:36,782
Oh, I watch it all the time.
664
00:23:36,882 --> 00:23:37,482
You do?
665
00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:40,652
Yeah, it's rotten.
666
00:23:40,752 --> 00:23:42,354
Oh, but my wife loves it.
667
00:23:42,454 --> 00:23:43,355
She watches it.
668
00:23:43,455 --> 00:23:45,223
Mr. Holdecker, here it is.
669
00:23:45,323 --> 00:23:49,661
[gasps] Oh, [non-english speech]
670
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:52,898
I have not saw one of those since I was a little kid
671
00:23:52,998 --> 00:23:53,732
Really?
672
00:23:53,832 --> 00:23:56,701
Oh, what did you pay for that?
673
00:23:56,802 --> 00:23:57,436
$30.
674
00:23:57,536 --> 00:23:58,870
Oh, that's a steal.
675
00:23:58,970 --> 00:23:59,805
See?
676
00:23:59,905 --> 00:24:01,173
Oh.
677
00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:02,440
- Mr. Holdecker? - Hm?
678
00:24:02,541 --> 00:24:03,408
What is it?
679
00:24:03,508 --> 00:24:04,442
That?
680
00:24:04,543 --> 00:24:07,345
Oh, why that is "eine sache."
681
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:08,313
A what?
682
00:24:08,413 --> 00:24:09,714
A sache.
683
00:24:09,815 --> 00:24:11,183
ROB: What does-- what does that mean in English?
684
00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:12,350
In English.
685
00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:16,888
In English, a sache means a "thing."
686
00:24:16,988 --> 00:24:20,392
Oh, yeah, my mother brought one home when I was a little boy.
687
00:24:20,492 --> 00:24:21,326
What did she do with it?
688
00:24:21,426 --> 00:24:22,394
Oh, she didn't.
689
00:24:22,494 --> 00:24:23,862
No, no.
690
00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:25,997
My father, he was the creative one.
691
00:24:26,097 --> 00:24:27,466
He knew just what to do.
692
00:24:27,566 --> 00:24:28,533
You see this part here?
693
00:24:28,633 --> 00:24:30,135
ALL: Yeah.
694
00:24:30,235 --> 00:24:33,605
He cut that off, he took it, and he smashed the rest of it
695
00:24:33,705 --> 00:24:35,040
into smithereens.
696
00:24:38,243 --> 00:24:41,479
"900 marks you spend on that, And the kid here
697
00:24:41,580 --> 00:24:44,115
ain't got wine in the house.
698
00:24:44,216 --> 00:24:45,050
Oh, what do you say?
699
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:46,151
You want a little more?
700
00:24:46,251 --> 00:24:47,152
Yes.
701
00:24:47,252 --> 00:24:50,121
Right this way.
702
00:24:50,222 --> 00:24:54,993
[theme song]
47257
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