All language subtitles for Last.Tango.In.Halifax.S04E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

RINGTONE:
Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix

Oh, hello, now what?

Hello?

Mum! Guess what.

The aliens have landed.

No, not yet. I've... Well, they
might have but no-one's told me.

I've got a new headship.

I've just had
a phone call, just now.

I didn't even know
you'd applied for a headship.

No, I didn't tell anyone.

Four months
and five interviews later,

I found out I pipped
the other candidates to the post.

Oh, well...

good for you, congratulations.
Where is it?

What sort of school is it?
Will you get more money?

I'll come on to that. The point is,
I'm selling the house.

We're moving. I've just rung
the estate agents just now, so...

Oh, really?

Yeah.

CELIA:OK, so...

So obviously you and Alan will have
to decide whether you're gonna move

with me, or move in
with Gillian and Robbie, or...

get a place of your own.

-What's happened?
-Well, where is it?

You're not going down south?

Erm, no.

-Is it abroad?
-No. No.

It's in Huddersfield.

It's a state school.

What, like...

where the ordinary people go?

Oh, hell's bells.

Oh, spit it out.

I don't think
it's in a very nice area.

How can you tell?

Oh, my God! Crow Wood Park!

That's where Adrian Bottomley
got sent when they expelled him.

It's where that science teacher
got stabbed last year.

He pulled through.

I needed a challenge.

Good.

You can get stale.

Absolutely.

And that's no good for anyone.

What do the boys think?

Wow.

Wow.

Also, I decided
it was time to put something back.

-Back into...
-Yeah.

...society. I was born lucky.
All my life, I've been lucky, so...

So, when will you take over?

After Christmas. Spring term.
Course, I've got the house to sell.

Find something a bit nearer.
I thought maybe round here.

It'll be a big change.

Yeah.

And on your own?

Yeah.

You weren't lucky when Kate died.

I met her. I knew her.
We spent time together.

We had Flora. That was lucky.

Being married to John for God knows
how long. Was that lucky?

Gosh. Wow. Well, of course,
she started out in the state sector

all those years ago. In the '80s.

When we were both young enough
and stupid enough to imagine

this country was capable of
achieving something

resembling social justice.

Why's he dressed like James Bond?

Why are you dressed like James Bond?

Oh, there's a car coming
to take us to London.

I did tell you. Judith's...

She's been nominated
for the Carnegie Medal

-for children's fiction.
-Are you ready?

Him and his little friend better not
mess up the house while we're out.

-They do know that, don't they?
-Course they do.

(HE MOUTHS)

-OLGA:Huddersfield?
-CAROLINE:I know!

But that's like the dark side
of the moon and shit.

It's not, no. It's not. No.

Well, that's well nice.

-I did it because of you, Olga.
-Me?

Partly.

Going on about me being
a sharp-elbowed, entitled,

over-privileged, which I'm not,
by the way, rich bitch.

So that's it?

If I want to see you,
I have to go to... Huddersfield.

So you didn't register the bit where
I explained that I'm taking over

a really tough school?

That I'm giving up my... also
demanding, yet at the same time

no longer challenging
job in the private sector

in the hope that I can make
a difference to someone, one day.

Like you told me I should.

Yeah, whatever, that's quite cool.

I'm not going till Christmas.
I still have the house to sell

and look, this was... It was nice,
but it was never meant to be...

Was it?

(CHILD BABBLES)

Here, Mummy.

Oh!

She says that to everybody.

Ah!

-Wow.
-What do you think?

It's...

-It's different.
-Morning!

-WORKMEN: Morning!
-Good morning.

Well, your granny and Alan like it.

Course, there's a lot wants doing.

We said that
when we looked round, didn't we?

Oh. Did it smell damp when we
looked round?

Er, shall I offer to make
these fellas a cup of tea?

Yeah. Shall we let them do
a bit of work first, and then?

Sure, I just thought, they'll have
been driving for an hour or so.

I'm sure they're used to it.

I'm sure they're used to
driving much further.

Well, never goes amiss,
keeping workers happy.

Absolutely. They are, however,
being paid. Quite handsomely.

They won't be. It'll be the company,
creaming the profits.

Well, maybe when we've found
the kettle, maybe then.

We've got ours!

It's always the last thing to pack,
first thing to unpack.

First rule of flitting,
knowing where the kettle is.

These, here, are mouse droppings.

Oh, my God.

That is so unhygienic.

I'm afraid it's just me.

I can handle that.

Effortlessly, I appear
to have pissed everyone off.

Oh, it went well, then? The move?

What're we drinking?

Oh, the usual shite.

I'm thinking about
becoming a lesbian.

Oh, Christ, that's rough.

You will notice I, too, am alone.

Is there anything I can help
you ladies with?

Ladies? Who's he trying to kid?
Who you trying to kid?

Yes, thank you.
A smaller table and a wine list.

"Damp? What do you mean, damp?
I've just paid £1,700

for a highly detailed, exhaustive
survey, there is no damp."

And then that was it,
she was obsessed.

We're going to have to rethink
the bedroom scenario. I'm sorry.

-Come again?
-It's all under the window

in that room we've been allocated.
You can feel it. You can see it.

-"Allocated"?
-Alan will back me up.

Yeah, Mum.

Mum, no-one's been "allocated"
anything. You chose it,

the first time we looked round.

It is... It does seem...

I do think you've...
We've possibly got

a problem in there
with the... the... the...

It's damp. We can't sleep in there,
with my chest.

Your chest?
What's wrong with your chest?

I had bronchitis when I was 17.

You're 78!

Well... yes. And that.

So my mother has suddenly decided
she's Emily Bronte and she's got

galloping consumption and
she's on her last legs.

Obviously, there's your dad's heart
condition to consider,

which is a concern,
and so we find ourselves confronted

with a logistical conundrum.

The only other bedroom is
that tiny one at the far end,

so it'd make more sense

if me and Alan had the one you're
in.

Oh, the other big one.

And you had the smaller one.

Seeing as there's only one of you,
at the moment.

Nice. Thoughtful.

I resisted the urge to point out
that if they actually took

the plunge and bought
a place of their own, instead of

persistently hedging their bets
between your house and mine,

it'd make the world
a much simpler place.

Why? Why did you resist?
Why didn't you say it?

And then Greg turned up with Flora,

two days earlier than planned,
because this new woman he's got...

-Bridget.
-Bridget!

She's basically allergic to anyone
under the age of 18.

I'm sorry.

-It's fine.
-It's not, I wanted to help out.

Is she all right?

She's just...

What is up with her?

Bridget? She's just one of those
women that's...

What?

-You know, bonkers.
-Hm.

They were supposed to have her the
whole weekend till I got settled in,

so that didn't happen,
and then Lawrence turned up,

with John and the entourage.

Oh, I love it, Caroline!

I'd love to live in the middle
of bloody nowhere without anyone

to piss me off every five minutes.

Course,
there's a lot that needs doing.

But I imagine you're on
top of all that.

Would you like some tea?

Tea?
Are you sure you're not too busy?

It's not working out,
him living with me and Judith.

He's not happy, he wants to come
here and live with you.

Well, how the hell
is that going to work?

He can't commute to
Harrogate every day

and he can't change schools, not
now, he's just about to sit his A2s!

And he's only got two terms left.

Yes, well, maybe you should've
thought about that when you decided

-to change schools.
-Look, you're going to have...

I'm starting this new job
after Christmas, I've got Flora

to think about, I've got my mother
and Alan to worry about.

I can't start panicking
about making sure he gets

to Harrogate and back every day.

I know it's not ideal,
but it's Judith,

she's not... She could
so easily fall back off the wagon.

He would have to be at the train
station in Halifax at six o'clock,

every morning, day in, day out.

That means getting up at five.
It's a two-and-a-half-hour journey,

both ways,
and he'd have to change at Leeds.

I have looked into it, I'm not happy
that he's not living with me.

And yet, you were the one
who decided to move here.

All right, I'll talk to her again.
But he can stay here now,

can't he, for the holidays?

What is John doing with Judith?

I don't know. Who knows? Who cares?
Anyway, sod that.

Tell me why you're thinking
of becoming a lesbian.

Oh. It's Robbie.
It's ever since he's retired.

-I can't stand it.
-I didn't know he'd retired.

-A week last Friday.
-Oh. OK.

And now he's just there...
all the time. All the time.

And if I go out, he follows me.
Round t'farm.

I went upstairs for a wee
the other day and he goes,

"Where you going?" And, like,
suddenly every move I make

is accountable.

I made a cake on Tuesday,
which you may think isn't very me,

but it's not unheard of,
and he's all,

"What you done that for?"

You know, like I'd just constructed
a weapon of mass destruction.

"Because I felt like it!
It's a fu...bloody cake!"

It's like being cornered.
In your own... head.

-Wow.
-I know.

-But he's not here now.
-Oh.

Just as we were getting ready,
getting changed,

we were in the bedroom.

Why don't you wear that dress?

What dress?

That green one.

Because I'm wearing this.

I like that green one.

You wear it, then.

And that must've touched a nerve.

He must have hang-ups about
his masculinity or something,

God knows, because it nose-dived
into meltdown at that point.

Just leave me alone! All of you!

I'm sick of the lot of you!
It's take, take, take!

"Me, me, me!" Nag, nag, nag,
all the time, every day!

Well, enough! I've had enough!
You can all f..

Do one. And don't follow
me to the restaurant!

You go to another restaurant,
one I'm not in.

What... did you say to her?

I just... I don't know.
I just suggested wearing a dress.

Her, not me.

-OK.
-Mmm. Yeah. Big.

I didn't realise.
No, I mean, I did.

At the wedding. When you...

When we... But I guess I thought...
you'd moved on.

-What did we say at the wedding?
-Well, when you...

didn't want to go through with it
and we decided

it was easier to go through
with it than to pull out...

then, on the day,
because you could always...

...get divorced. Afterwards.

We did say that.

We did say that.

So has everything...
been OK? Up until...?

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, ish. God, I'd
forgotten. That would've been bad.

On the day. To pull out.

I hadn't forgotten, I'd just...

Buried it.

I was worried I'd feel guilty,
I was worried I'd get obsessed.

-With guilt. About Eddie.
-But you haven't?

-No.
-So, that's good, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hm...

Yeah.

-Good morning.
-Alan. How's it going?

Well, it's...

damp. In one of t'bedrooms
and we think we've got mice.

-Vermin.
-Yeah.

It'll be smashing once she's...

we've sorted everything out.
There's a lovely view.

She's in a funny mood, Gillian.

Oh.

He's driving me up the wall.

He seems busy enough now.

I keep having to set him tasks!

It's like having a six-year-old
in the school holidays,

finding him activities
so he's not under your feet.

He'll settle down.
It takes a bit of getting used to.

Retirement.
It's not as easy as people think.

Especially
if you've been very active.

Active? He's spent the last ten
years

sitting in a patrol car,
eating pies.

Well, involved, then.

He needs sympathy, not sarcasm.

Unbelievable.

Did you have a nice evening?

It was just me and Caz. Cazza.

Yeah, I gathered.

So Celia's driving her
up the wall, is she?

They're as bad as each other.

I, erm...

I've got summat to tell you.

Proceed.

It's delicate. Well, sensitive.

And then there's things
I want you to understand

before you go flying off
the handle. So...

What've you...? What's...? What?

Me and Celia,
we've altered our wills.

I mean, obviously it's something
we should've done a while back,

after we got wed, but we didn't,

which was my fault,
I didn't want to think about it,

so we've only just
got round to it, what with flitting.

OK.

So, obviously...

before... before I knew
I was ever going to get wed again,

I'd left it all to you

and it will still come to you.
Eventually. One way or the other.

But I want you to know
what's changed and then we're clear.

OK.

What we've decided,
way we've arranged it,

is - whichever one of us
goes first, me or Celia -

other one will get everything.

For the duration
of their lifetime and then...

...the point is, when the last one
goes, whatever's left

will be divided, equally,
between you and Caroline.

OK.

So it... will come to you.

But I just want Celia to be
comfortable, that's all.

I mean, if owt happens to me.
And she wants same for me.

So, that's it.

What about our Gary?

Oh, I'm not leaving him anything.
He'd not expect it, would he?

Why did you think
I'd fly off the handle?

Hang on a minute.

Divided equally?

Yeah.

But that's... You can't both
have brought exactly the same

amount to the party as each other.

Yeah. Well, no, we didn't.
Not exactly, but not far off.

So... I'm not starting
splitting hairs

and I'm not starting making
a record of everything we spend.

You'll do very well
out of it at finish...

...so think on.

OK.

And, erm...

...the other thing,
just so you know...

...is we want to be buried together.

We'd be cremated.
But then, our ashes,

we'd like to be in the same grave.

You can do that,
we've looked into it.

And Celia's got a plot.

Above Elland.
It's been in her family for years.

So, not have your ashes
scattered with me mum?

Up Blackley?

Yeah.

Not.

Can you drive me into Halifax
if you're not doing anything?

Cause he's gone off to Gillian's
in the Lexus, and it's an emergency.

Why, what's happened?

Maureen Raynor's fractured her hip.

-Who?
-Oh...

she was three years below
Alan and me at Elland Grammar.

-You don't know her.
-Do you?

No, not really. But the point is,

she was giving her Madame Arcati
with the Halifax Players,

and obviously
she can't do it on crutches.

Well, not with the same chutzpah,
so they've asked me to step in.

Hang on.
Have you ever done any acting?

I played the Angel Gabriel
in the infants. Do you know?

It was three years before I realised
he was supposed to be a fella.

-Yeah.
-There was an article in theMail,

orThe Guardian,one or the other,
about keeping your brain active.

You know, when you're getting on.

Alan does his crosswords, so I
thought I would audition for a play.

This was last summer when we were
stopping up at Gillian's.

Cause, you know, learning lines
keeps your neurons...

-...neurinating.
-Really?

Anyway, I didn't get the part.
Not that one - Lady Bracknell.

I should've done, dozy buggers.

Anyway, it looks like
they've remembered me,

because now they're in hot water,
I've had the call.

William's dug me out his copy.

So why do we need to go
to Halifax right now?

Because they've got
a rehearsal in half in an hour at...

the Pentecostal Church Hall,
Skircoat Moor Road, Halifax.

They need me there.

The first night's just after
Christmas, I've only got

a week to learn everything.

-You're kidding!
-No.

I'll get my car keys.

Are you going to put
a bit of make-up on?

I'm only dropping you off.

You could put a brush through
your hair as well.

I thought we were in
a rush to get there?

Yes, but just in case.

-Of?
-You know...

you meet someone.

What, when I'm dropping you off?

Well, you never know.
A nice fella.

I do know, Mum. They're thespians,
they like am-dram.

The chances of me meeting anyone
I have anything in common

-with is remote.
-They're not stupid, you know.

No, but they do like dressing up
and pretending to be other people.

So, chances are,
it probably won't happen.

I think you spend
too much time with Gillian.

-How?
-Because you're starting

to talk like her.

It's bollocks.

Robbie.

Robbie!

-Robbie?
-Jesus!

Shit! Shit! Robbie!

Oh, my God! I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Robbie?

-That is a lot of blood.
-OK, OK.

Get in the Landy.
Let's get in the Landy. OK?

-Up, get up. Come on!
-Dial 999, now!

Phone. Phone. Erm, phone.
I've got it, I've got it,

-I've got it!
-Bloody hell, Gillian!

I know, I know!

Come on!

GILLIAN: So the thing is,

the thing I was coming in
to tell you

is that... Well, no,
the first thing I was coming in

to say is
that I'm sorry about last night,

about going off in a strop and
meeting Caroline on my own.

I am... I am sorry.

It's just, you know, I'm struggling
with this retirement thing

as much as you are.

But, then, the thing is,
this morning, just now,

my dad comes in and he goes,

"I don't want you biting
my head off,

I don't want you getting all
arsey like you normally do, but,

when I die, we've discussed it, and
I'm leaving all my money to Celia."

-Oh!
-I know!

They've changed
their wills and everything.

There they are!

GILLIAN: It'll all be her idea,
she'll have talked him into it,

the way she has him twisted round
her little finger.

I don't mind, I wouldn't care,
but with his heart,

chances are, you know,
and she knows this,

it'll be him that goes first.
And does she need all that money?

Any more than he'd need
all hers if she went first?

Which I bet she doesn't, you watch.
She'll have it all planned.

And what bothers me is, if he does
go first, which, you know...

how do I know she will leave me
half of everything when she goes?

How do I know she won't just leave
it all to Caroline?

How do I know
she won't just spend it?

It could be years and then
she could lose all her marbles

and I've got no guarantees, have I?

Presumably it's stipulated in
the will, if that's the arrangement.

And anyway, Caroline wouldn't do
that to you, would she?

I don't feel so good.

(SIREN BLARES)

CELIA: You are, you're a snob.
You're an intellectual snob.

You think you're better
than other people.

-Break a leg.
-Well, you're not.

Will you need picking up?

This is typical you, this is.

Anything I do,
anything I'm interested in,

you pour cold water on it
and take the...

piss. You're as bad as your dad.

Oh, hello! That old chestnut.

Well, I'll say one thing for
your father. At least he wasn't a...

...lesbian.

Don't let the door hit your arse
when you step out.

You've got that off Gillian.

You really don't have to lower
your voice in front of Flora, ever,

to say the word lesbian.

All right? Have you got your mobile?

Oh, I'm not going in.

-Why?
-Because you're spoiling it!

No, I am not.
Don't you lay this on me!

If you wanted to go in, you'd go in.

What if I'm not very good?

You'll be brilliant.
Better than any of that lot.

-Do you think?
-Yes. You're clever.

If I thought you were going
to make a fool of yourself,

I wouldn't have brought you.

I'd have tied you to a chair at home
and made you listen to The Archers.

Now, go and see what they're like.

If you're not happy,
you don't have to stay.

Would you want me
to come in with you?

No. Not looking like that.

Enjoy.

(SHE GIGGLES)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hi, Gillian.

How is he?

They've had to give him
a blood transfusion,

they've taken him
into an operating theatre.

-So what's...? -I don't know.
I don't know anything!

They just whisked him off
and told me to wait here.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

So what happened?

It wasn't my fault. I mean, it was,
I shocked him, I made him jump.

But I didn't... It wasn't...

I mean, I know I was complaining
about him last night,

Robbie, but it wasn't like that...
(WHISPERS) business with Eddie.

OK. OK.

You didn't... Did you...?
You didn't think that, did you?

No. No.

It was just...

What?

I don't know.
When it happened, I panicked.

I coped, I called an ambulance
and we seemed to be

on top of everything,

even though he was bleeding a lot,
and it was just as we were arriving,

in the ambulance, I was in
the ambulance with him, and...

this paramedic, he was joking,
he was trying to keep it light.

I think it was his way of trying to
say, "It's not as bad as it looks."

He goes,

"Oh, another millimetre and
it would've been the carotid artery

and then you'd have been in
trouble!"

And that... It shook me, because...

I can understand
why that shook you, Gillian.

No. No. No. It's not what you think.

-What?
-It's stupid. It'll sound stupid.

It won't.

About a month ago, two months ago,
in the barn, again...

...he got smacked
on the head by a log.

He was chopping wood
and stacking it

in the hayloft, out of the way.

I didn't think
a lot about it, then. I...

I just thought he hadn't stacked it
properly and it was loose,

but he would've done,
he would've stacked it properly,

and he had a real bump on his head.

Like... somebody whacked him.

And then there was
something else as well. He...

...he trapped his finger.
This is last summer.

He was hitching up the trailer
and it slipped, and it was bad.

I mean, not this bad,
but he could've lost his finger.

We were in here, in A&E.
And now this!

Some people are accident prone.
My granny was, my mum's mum.

-No, that's not...!
-She was terrible.

It's not...

What?

And it isn't just me.

My dad's said it.
Before now. There's...

...there's something...
a funny feeling in that barn.

OK.

So... what are you saying?

I'm saying,
it's a notion I've had for a while.

But now it's like three things
and it's really f... obvious.

He's still in there. Eddie.
And I know that sounds mad.

Caroline, I know there's no such
thing, but what if there is?

I think you're upset.
Is there a machine?

Do you want some tea?

It's not mad.
I talk to Kate all the time.

I imagine she's there
and part of me thinks...

who's to say she isn't?
First time it happened, I...

...didn't consciously conjure her
up,

I just found myself talking to
her.

It was in the bedroom.
On the morning of her funeral.

I think when someone's died...

...like that, death's always a
shock,

but when it's sudden and
it's someone

who just
shouldn't have gone yet, it's...

You think this is all in my head?

No, that's the point.

I do, as my mother would say,
think there is more between

heaven and earth than any
of us ever really know about.

-But...
-But when you talk to Kate...

...that's good, surely? It's nice.

Mm.

This is evil.

And it's not just me,
that's what's weird.

If it was just me, fine,
I'm happy to be considered mental.

But my dad won't go in that
barn after dark.

Dog won't go in there at all.

I think Eddie...

...knows we've got married, me
and Robbie, and he doesn't like it.

And this time... This time,
what that paramedic said...

...Robbie could've been dead.

And then there was Dave,
he's playing Charles.

He's 57 and he has a bad back.

And Charles
is meant to be an athletic 40.

He said to me, "Do you think
I'd get away with it, Celia?"

And I'm going, "Of course you will,"

lying through my teeth like
a silly bugger.

I said to Gerald, "You do know
Charles is supposed to be

an athletic 40, don't you?"

He says, "It's am-dram, darling,
you can't always get the men".

-Which one's Gerald again?
-ALL: The director.

Oh, and he's playing
Dr Bradman as well.

He's very versatile.

And Janice, she's the one playing
Elvira, the ghost.

She said,
"You've saved our bacon, Celia,"

because they were on the verge
of cancelling the whole thing.

-Did I tell you that?
-Mm.

Only, they're already sold out
on the Friday night

and on the Saturday night.

So...

So...

Are we going to the hospital
this evening, then, or what?

I don't think there's any point
in us all piling in.

He'll still be groggy
from his anaesthetic.

Yeah, but you don't want him
thinking nobody cares.

You did have a massive bust-up
with him last night.

No, really? I'd forgotten!

Listen, I'd better get back.

-Thanks for coming.
-It's fine.

-Ring me, if you...
-Yeah.

We'll leave you to it as well, love.

There's lots that still wants
sorting out at the new place.

Yes, the damp and the vermin.

And I've got all these
lines to learn!

You're going to have
to help me, Alan.

You will give our love to Robbie,
won't you, love?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-We'll see you up there, love!
-Sure.

I, erm...

I told our Gillian this morning
about changing us wills.

-How did that go down?
-Fine.

Fine. I told her about...

being buried in the same
grave as well.

-And?
-She just went very quiet.

I'm surprised she didn't say owt
just now, to be honest.

I think there'll be repercussions
when she's dwelt on it.

(BIRD SQUAWKS AND FLAPS WINGS)

I'm not scared of you,
so you can shit off.

Pillock.

I'm sorry. I am sorry.

Then going on at me in t'Land Rover
while I were bleeding to death.

-I was panicking.
-I'm sorry.

Oh, don't say that.

I was trying to distract you.

-And last night?
-Yeah, I'm sorry about last night.

What were all that about?

Just stuff getting on top of me.

Well, don't let it.

Yeah, well, that's easy for you
to say because you're a man.

And men never let stuff get on top
of 'em, so it doesn't affect them.

You mean, men don't get things
out of proportion,

so it doesn't affect them.

Phrase it as you will.

Does it hurt?

I'm on painkillers.

You're going to be laid up
all Christmas, aren't you?

I'll be as fit
as a fiddle in a few days.

You're going to be lolling in front
of the telly, demanding cups of tea.

Oh, God.

-What now?
-Christmas Day.

Ten people plus two babies round
for dinner

and you're not going to be
fit

to do even basic
fetching and carrying.

-Raff and Ellie will help you.
-On what planet?

Caroline will help you.

Selectively, when she feels like
it.

Your dad and Celia will help you.
Everybody'll muck in!

What's up?
Why you so niggly about everything?

-Because...
-What?

Everything.

What though?
We should be celebrating.

I've retired,
we're expanding the farm.

Life's good.
Life's never been better.

Well, today's been
a bit weird, but...

Yeah.

Well, then.
We'll have a nice Christmas.

It wasn't just about him
changing his will.

What I was annoyed about
with my dad, this morning.

He wants
to be buried with her, Celia.

They both want
to be cremated and then...

...their remains buried together.

So that's as in, not scattered up
Blackley with me mum.

Oh.

Yeah, but...

...does it really matter?

Once you're dead,
you're dead, aren't you?

Who knows?

You can't learn all those
lines in ten days.

-Who can't?
-I couldn't.

Course you could.

I hope you're all going
to come and see it.

Hey, bring Angus.

How can I bring Angus?
Angus is 60 miles away!

Everybody who matters
is 60 miles away.

He can get on a train.

You think he wants to get
on a train to come and watch

a load of old people
twatting about on stage?

Oi, oi!

None of us asked to be here.

You've inflicted it on us
because you're selfish.

That... Whatever I've done, that is
no reason to be rude to your granny.

I can't believe I'm never
going to go back inside our house

in Harrogate ever again.

You're homesick.
That's all, it's normal. It'll pass.

We grew up there.
Our whole life was there.

And now it's a new big adventure.

You want to embrace it.

I never said a proper goodbye.

To who?

My bedroom.

Oh, my God, is he crying?
He's crying!

-No, I'm not!
-No, that is priceless.

-Someone tell him to shut up.
-One for Facebook, I think.

-Shit-for-brains.
-Beano boy.

-Hey!
-Are you six!

Are you?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Have you not set up your Zbox?

Xbox.

-Eh?
-Xbox.

That's what I said.

You want to set up your Xbox,
then you'll feel right at home,

both of you.

Cavalry's here! This is Olga,
my new girlfriend.

-Where is everybody?
-They're, erm...

Surprise.

No, don't.

Sorry, the boys are here
and my mum and Alan.

And...

I wasn't... I didn't...
Didn't know you were coming.

Yeah. It's a surprise.

-I didn't order this.
-It's a house-warming present.

Right, OK. Er... thank you.

Yeah. I nicked it from the basement.

Oh, you didn't!
I can't accept stolen...

God, you are so easy to wind up!

Right. OK. Well,
it's been nice seeing you.

You know, I'm busting for a wazz.

Is it all right if I use
your lavatory? Your lavoratoire.

Your... Lavoratoire Garnier.

Yeah, I thought I'd die a widower,
but you see, Alan,

you're not the only one
for whom hope springs eternal.

Ta. Here she is! Come here, love,
say hello to everyone.

-You all right?
-You can be my best man

if you want, Alan.

We've only just met. Outside.

But it was love at first sight
and you can't fight fate.

Not that we could see each other
right well through the drizzle,

but one flash of lightning and,
yeah, I'm a very happy man.

-I like him, he's mental.
-Olga!

Oh, God, babies.

Hello!

That's Olga, you nitwit,
she delivers wine

from the wholesaler's in Harrogate.

Have we set a date?

I'm not doing a right lot tomorrow.

You've come a long way, love.

Olga. Isn't that Russian?

Oh, yeah, my mum
were really into Olga Korbut,

when she were, like, ten.
When the 1972 Olympics were on.

Oh, very good.

Eh, how you doing? You all right?

Would you like some wine?

Rude not to. So, are you William?

The bathroom's upstairs.

Sure.

Don't forget you're driving.

Oh, yeah, traffic was bad. And
the weather is shit... crap... bad.

Sorry. Probably best leave it till
tomorrow. Now that I'm here.

We've got damp. And vermin.

It's the country, I did tell you.

I told her, I said, I warned her.

I'm sure they have folk
who deliver wine round here,

without you making Olga
trail all this way.

Why don't you tell Harry about this
play that you're doing?

I wouldn't have thought it was
up Harry's street.

Celia's playing Madame Arcati

in Blithe Spirit,
with the Halifax Players.

Oh!
She's the one who sees dead people.

Well, no, she communicates
with t'other side.

Well, that's topical.

Is it? How?

Well, it's why I'm here.

I was thrilled when Alan
told me you'd bought this place,

Caroline, because you do know
that this house, your house,

is haunted by none other
than Matthew Normanton?

Right-hand man
to King David himself.

-Haunted?
-King David? Which one's he?

-Who's Matthew Normanton?
-King David Hartley.

-The Cragg Vale Coiners!
-Who?

It's fascinating, you'll be
fascinated. They were all hanged

at York, for counterfeiting coins.
This is the 1780s.

They devalued the currency
of the entire country,

-they were so successful.
-How?

They clipped
the edges off the coins,

melted down the clippings down,
made more coins.

-Does that work?
-Not now, it wouldn't.

No, but it did then.
Well, till they got caught.

Yeah, they were like the Mafia.

Nasty, very nasty,
but very successful.

And this was their stomping ground.

Yeah, we used to have rogues and
murderers devalue the currency,

now Brexit lot does it for us.

Yeah. so... how do you know
this place is haunted?

This is where he was caught,
Matthew Normanton.

They hunted him down like a dog.

This is after he went on t'run
after him and Robert Thomas murdered

William Dighton on
Bull Close Lane, Halifax.

Is he making all this up?

No! Is he, buggery! But I didn't
know that this was the house,
though,

where Matthew Normanton were caught.

-Yeah. Apparently.
-So, who's William Dighton?

The fella the Mint sent
to investigate.

He had King David arrested
and then King David's brother Isaac,

he got these two to murder
William Dighton.

It were all very high-octane stuff.

Yeah, but how-how do you know
this place is haunted?

It's only a story.

Well, no, it's not,
it's well documented.

Yes, but the ghost bit
is only a story.

Well, he's been seen more than once.

-Where?
-Here.

Yeah, but where?

Oh, don't start putting lurid
ideas into gullible p...

into people's heads!

-Fair enough.
-I want to know.

Yes, so do I.

No, no, your mother's right.
I don't want to upset folk.

Tell us!

Well, apparently,
they wouldn't let him in, you see.

So apparently, gone midnight,
his face appears pressed

against one of these
downstairs windows.

All contorted, greenish hue,
screaming to be let in.

I know somebody who's reckoned
they've seen it.

You remember Joe Sunderland?

One of his cousins,
they used to farm up here.

-This is years ago.
-Which window?

I've no idea. But the story is,

he only appears... before a death.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

I wonder how Robbie is.

Why didn't you do any research
before you bought the stupid place?

Speaking as a doctor, of science,
this is all nonsense.

It's highly entertaining and
no doubt very well researched,

-but nonetheless...
-(THUNDER CRASHES)

(THEY SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER)

It's only a surge in power!
It's all right!

It happens all the time
over at our Gillian's.

Your trip switch is gone,
that's all!

-LAWRENCE: Ooh!
-WILLIAM: Ridiculous house!

You can shut up!

ALAN: Where's your box
with all your switches in?

I know this. It's actually
somewhere really obvious.

-WILLIAM: Oh, that's helpful!
-Oh, my God!
Whose is that green face

at the window, horribly contorted
in a silent scream?

You'll be laughing on t'other side
of your face one of these days, lad.

(CAROLINE WHISPERING) Olga. Olga.

Olga.

Oh...

Olga, come on, you've got to go,
you've got to go back to Harrogate.

You've got deliveries to make,
it's Christmas in a few days,

people will need their, erm...

-...alcohol.
-Shit.

I did tell you not to open
another bottle.

It wasn't just me.
There was loads of us.

Can I make you some breakfast
before you set off?

No.

No, you've got stuff to do.
I've got to get off.

My brother will have
one of his tantrums if I'm late in.

Can I take this with me?

-Sure.
-I'll bring the mug back.

Don't worry about the mug.

I'll post the mug.

No, keep the mug,
we've got too many mugs.

Well, I'm sorry if I inflicted
myself on you. I just...

-I wanted to bring you a present.
-Yeah, thanks for that.

It was very kind.

Thanks.

Call me,
if you change your mind about shit.

I mean, I realise that you probably
won't, but should the urge strike,

-don't fight it.
-Right.

William's nice.

Thank you.

You know, you're a really easy
person to like, to begin with,

but then it becomes like...
quite hard work.

Yeah. I know. You're not the...

...and you won't be
the last, either. Probably.

You have a good Christmas.

-Thanks again for the wine.
-Yeah.

Oh, and good luck
with the school.

Did you sleep?

Not really. Is the heating on?

Yeah, believe it or not.
I need to get the boiler serviced.

I knew that, it was on the survey.

Should've done it before
we moved in.

Yes, love. I've had a lot on.

Yeah, I know. I get that.

Which is why it seems like
a weird decision to sell up

and take on
this mad job in a horrib...

...difficult school.
And who the hell is Olg...?

Is she still here?

No, she's just gone. Just now.

I thought you thought
she was interesting.

I was being polite.

She was an ill-advised foray into...

...God knows.

And she is interesting, actually.

There is slightly more
to her than meets the eye.

She owns that wine company,
her and her brother.

They inherited it off their parents.

She just...

doesn't seem to take
life very seriously. And that...

...might have seemed attractive.

Briefly.

You know, I was amazed.

When you told me you were
leaving Sulgrave Heath.

-I thought you loved that school.
-I did.

And I thought you weren't supposed
to make any big decisions...

...for, like, a year after
a bereavement.

It's been more than a year.

Not much more.

And you still feel bereaved.

You told me so
last time I phoned you.

Well, why didn't you say
something then?

I suppose I always assume
you know what you're doing.

Come on.

How long have you got?

Oh, a couple of hours.
They're rehearsing while three,

so I thought
I might pop into Halifax,

do a bit of Christmas shopping.

-What can I get you?
-(PHONE RINGS)

-That's you.
-Eh?

Oh!

It's Celia.

Hello?

You'll never believe.
Gerald's had a stroke.

-Who?
-Yeah, last night.

Janice has stepped in to direct,
but we've no-one to play Dr Bradman.

Oh, well, I don't know anyone who...

So I said you'd do it.

-Me?
-Oh, you'd be perfect.

-I can't act!
-What's happened?

Surely they've got other folk?

Well, apparently not.

And it's such fun, Alan,
and everyone's so pleasant,

I'm sure you'd enjoy it.

I can't start learning
lines at my age.

Don't be so soft.
Of course you can!

Anyway, he hasn't got
that many lines.

You can make half of it up,
that's what I do.

As long as you get
the gist across.

I don't... I don't think
it's my sort of thing.

-Go on wi' you!
-Shut up.

It's only acting, poncing about
on stage. What's happened?

Well, if we don't get anybody,

then the whole thing
is going to fall through

and it'll be a disappointment.

And they've sold all these tickets.

Well, will you think about it?

What have you got to lose?

I mean, apart from your dignity
and your self-respect.

-Right, bugger it, I'll do it.
-Really?

Alan says he'll do it!

Oh, wonderful.
And he has acted before?

Erm, yes...

Yes. You've acted before,
haven't you, Alan?

-Well, no.
-Yes, yes, he's acted before.

Anyway, you need to get
over here now.

-Now?
-There'll be a copy of the play

here for you.

Right, well, I'll...
be there as soon as I can.

Super! Bye!

Why?

The things we do for love, eh?
You pillock!

He's in there. I've known he was in
there for years, only I've convinced

myself I was being stupid.

-In the barn.
-Yes!

-What fella in the barn?
-She just makes up stories with him.

You don't fancy doing this play
instead of me, do you?

(POSH VOICE) He's been working...
a bit too hard lately.

I can't act, any more than you can.

You need to have more
of a manner, Alan. You know,

these are sophisticated people.

They live in Kent for goodness'
sake.

He's bringing a Ouija board! We're
going to speak to Matthew Normanton.

Is there anybody there?

-Oh, shit!
-Did you feel that?

People better not be messing about.

That was when I met Olga.

-Hi.
-So I invited her in.

You could make a real difference!

And one thing led to another.

I've got this thing
that I need to tell you.

-What happens in these stories?
-Nothing.

Someone is with us.

-Have you done this before, Granny?
-Maybe this was meant to happen.

Stop being weird, Mum.

Are you a spirit of the departed,
passed over from the other side?

We should never have got married.

-That's just...
-He doesn't like it.

Spirit, spell out your name for us.

I'm not sure I want
to do this anymore.

-We're on, everyone!
-Get off me hat!

Sorry, we have to go in now.