All language subtitles for Whats.So.Bad.About.Feeling.Good.1968.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC2.0

What's so wrong

with that happy sensation

that sense of utter elation?

What's so bad about

feeling good?

People sharing joy

and good will

come on, you jerk.

Move that crate.

The light ain't gonna get
any greener.

Why, you lazy
no good rotten, stinkin'...

Shut up before I give you

a hit in the mouth.

Okay. You happy?
You came in after me.

You telling me when I came in?

You're damn right, I am.

Who you shoving, mack?

You own the sidewalk?

Come on, come on.
Get out of the way.

What are you, some kind of nut

or something?

Your mother sleeps
on pay toilets.

- Taxi.
- Taxi.

- Taxi.
- Hey, that's my cab,

- you crumb.
- Give me my cab

or I'll break your lips.

You see me swerve?

Get off of me.

Help, please.

Help, please.

Help.

Yes, it was a typical day
in New York

and that was the day
it all happened.

While the women were busy
with their daily activities,

the men were grabbing
a quick lunch

before returning to the problems

of their offices.

The kiddies as usual
were in school

being given
an unexpected examination.

At the university, their older
brothers and sisters

were in engrossed
in their studies.

It was a typical day

at United Nations, too.

Nyet.

In the evening
the cares of the day

were exchanged for the pleasures

and relaxation of Broadway.

Then when the day
people went to bed,

Greenwich village came to life.

Get your train ticket, baby

yeah, yeah

get your train ticket, baby

yeah, yeah

get your train ticket, baby

yeah, yeah

have fun

Yes, it was a typical night

in the village, too.

But in the east village,

just a few blocks away,

there was an entirely
different class of people,

real artists, writers, composers

who were making
a true contribution

to the new culture.

We were the intellectuals.
The elite.

We weren't eccentrics
like the others.

We dressed comfortably
and casually,

and spoke the language

that educated people do.

Not the jargon
of the immature rebels.

We weren't searching
for the truth,

we 'd found it.

Couple years ago,
I was just like the rest

of you conformists.

I was in advertising.

Name on the door,
carpet on the floor,

an ulcer, headaches,

the whole bit.

I wised up to that phony world

and came down here.

And so did, Liz.

She was on the treadmill, too.

I sure was.

Uptown supper clubs

singing schmaltzy songs

to the drunks.

Fighting to get to the top
of the ladder

and then my heart
got into the act

and somebody stepped on it.

Pills to sleep.

Pills to stay awake.

Finally, I asked myself.

"For what?"

This was the answer.

No responsibilities.

No entanglements.

Singing the songs
I wanted to sing.

Songs that strip life
to the bone

and lay bare its meaning.

I was once

a sad optimistic

now, I'll make grim realistic

turning off to the games

people play

I found peace of mind

in the theory

that true existence is dreary

because life was meant
to be blue

black, and gray

all the time

Yes, night after night

we captured the misery
of the world

in our music.

We talked it. We lived it.

We painted the misery.

But as morning came
on that particular day,

something happened

and this is the bird

who made it happen.

It was on a Greek freighter

that had dropped anchor
for quarantine inspection.

But this wasn't
an ordinary inspection.

Something very strange
had happened

to the captain
and most of the crew.

The captain usually
behaved like this.

Now, he seemed to be
a different person.

When the first mate
saw him dancing,

he really got worried.

They're sick I tell you,
they're sick.

How many do you think
have it now?

Oh, that 16.

Nobody yet in engine crew,

I make them stay away
from sick ones,

get plenty fresh air,

drink water like I do.

You didn't notice any symptoms

until that bird
came aboard, huh?

Everything was normal.

Everybody mean,

rotten, like always.

Then, three days ago,

bird come.

No land in sight,

nobody sees him fly to us.

All of a sudden, he's up there

flies around the ship
three times

then right into captain's cabin.

Captain is sleeping.

When he wakes up, he's dancing.

Well, could it be something
like parrot fever?

No, psittacosis
always produces a high fever.

No fever. No cough.

No dizzy. No, nothing.

It could still be
a virus though.

We'll have to hold the ship
in quarantine indefinitely.

If it is a virus, my guess,

it's a brand new one,
some kind of a mutation.

No telling how long
it will take to identify it.

We'll take the bird with us,
out it up,

and examine the tissues.

Now, be careful
when you go for the bird,

that's right,
use a handkerchief.

- Nobody's going to cut him up.
- Just spread

it out, cover your mouth
and nose, you want a pair

- of gloves because...
- Oh, no, we can just

- tie it around...
- Hey, hey.

To be glad is bad

and will only make you sad

because life

was meant to be blue

black

and gray

I hate it.

You hate it? Oh, Liz.

I really liked it.

Who dragged her in here?

What he said
was a compliment stupid.

The function of art

is to reflect the misery
of the world

and that's the most
miserable song

I ever heard.

Thank you.

It reflects the void
of the universe.

The fruitlessness of endeavor.

The emptiness of nothingness.

But without aspiration,

how does one ever achieve

the emancipation of the soul?

Since the problems
of life are insoluble,

one should draw
into complete isolation

and live a life of total

non-involvement
with other people.

The sack is right.

That's exactly
what Hans Hinklemeyer says.

Who's Hans Hinklemeyer?

Who was Hans...

The German philosopher
who wrote this,

hoffnungslosigkeit,

it means hopelessness.

Oh, yes,
we've been corresponding

for over a year now.

- Read it.
- Thank you.

- I'll read it tonight.
- Oh, after

you've finished the book,
we'll discuss it.

Hey, Barney,
where are you going?

I got to go water my grass.

Hey, Barney.

Hey, Barney.

You forgot your horn.

Get going, bugs.

I'm gonna put up a sign,

"keep off the grass."

Where's Liz?

I'm coming.

It's gonna be murder sleeping.

Sun is out again.

You think we'd get a cloudy day

once in a while.

I don't see why
we always have to meet

at their place.

Why can't we get together here

once in a while?

Intimate, it's got atmosphere,

character.

Boy, we sure were lucky

to find this place.

Yeah, well, don't start
changing it either.

Who's changing?

You polished the table.

Oh, well,

I just cleaned up

the soup you spilled.

It's the tomato,
gives it the gloss.

It's not right.

It doesn't make a statement.

Now, it says something.

This came for you yesterday.

Why didn't you give it
to me then?

It's your mail, not mine.

Unemployment insurance.

Well, it's about time

they got it straightened out.

Yeah? How much?

Three weeks, $165.

Good. I need some new brushes.

No, you don't.

This is for me not working,

not you.

What the hell is that?

Get a load of that beak!

Come on you.

Hey!

Hey, those are my grapes!

Oh, let him eat them!
He's probably hungry.

Oh, sure, make a pet out of him
and get emotionally involved,

- is that what you want?
- I don't care if you have him

for breakfast.

Gotcha!

He got my finger.

And don't come back!

So, I went back to the ship.

If anybody
wants me, I'll be in the lab.

Yes, Dr. Shapiro.

Then I took throat swabs

from captain narcopolis
and the rest of the crew

who exhibited any indication
of infection.

I doubt whether we can isolate
the virus from swabs.

But without the bird,
we have nothing else to work on.

Oh, Harry, get out
a bulletin by phone

to every doctor in the city.

I want a report of any patient

who has the slightest symptom.

Right away, doctor.

Oh, Harry,
I wanna tell the mayor.

Call his office and find out
when I can see him.

Yes, doctor.

It must be a virus

and it has to be transmitted

by respiration.

All that bird
has to do is get within

breathing distance of somebody

and pop goes the weasel.

But this virus has an affinity

for the brain.

At least that's our best guess.

It's, uh

it enters through
the respiratory system

but unlike other viruses,

this little devil

goes up the nasal pharynx

and enters the limbic system.

That part of the brain

that controls our behavior.

Look, Charlie, can we discuss

this later in my office?

The press will be in here
in a minute.

And I have to make a statement
about recreational facilities.

But Mr. Mayor,
this is of utmost importance

and immediate concern.

All right. Go ahead.

Thank you.

What this particular virus
evidently does

is cause changes
in our behavior patterns.

People infected become euphoric,

have a sense of well being.

Well, I'm not going to order
the police commissioner

to call out 28,000 cops

to find some bird
that makes people feel good.

But we have no way of knowing

what it may lead to.

People could feel so good

they quit their jobs,

fly kites in Times Square,

block traffic,

uh, stop voting.

Stop voting?

Get me the police commissioner.

Has anybody in New York
got it yet?

Well, we don't know.

The patterns of the change
is gradual

during the, uh,
incubation period.

And then, uh,

according to the infected
sailors I examined,

just before it really starts
to take hold,

there's a sudden ringing
in the ears,

almost a musical sound.

What are you doing up?

It's not even dark yet.

I don't know.

I'll go up to the roof
to get some air.

Air?

Hey, Liz!

Hey, Liz!

Hey, wake up!

Uh, I'm awake.

I'm on the roof.

Don’t jump!

Come on up here!

I'm coming.

Pete!

- Come here.
- What happened?

Come here.

Come here.

Look.

In this cruddy pile of junk,

a flower.

The odds against survival

must've been a million to one,

but it made it.

A couple of drops of rain

and some sun.

Pete, what's wrong?
What's the matter with you?

Uh, I don't know.

Ever since I got up,
I've been feeling strange,

kind of...

I don't think
I can explain it to you,

but everything seems different.

Hey, listen.

To what? The traffic?

Kids laughing.

You know why they're laughing?

'Cause they're not old enough

to read the newspaper.

You take a look
at the front page

and then try laughing.

The world's a stinking,

hopeless mess.

Oh, Pete, you're sick.

You know, sometimes a high fever

can make you feel this way.

I feel great!

That's what I mean.

Take a couple of aspirin
and lie down, huh?

I'll get Conrad.

He'll make you see
that you're being...

What he will.

Conrad!

Conrad!

Is anybody here?

- No.
- Where's Conrad?

He's out getting
his unemployment check.

Yahoo!

Hey, miss, miss. Come here.

I didn't do anything.

Come here, just keep quiet
and come here.

Look, I happen to know
my constitution...

Shh! I think that's the one.

See that bird?

He's looking up at that tree.

What's up there?

I can't take my eyes off of it.

Here, read this description.

- Predominantly black.
- Okay.

- Yellow and white at the throat.
- Okay.

Approximately 10 inches long,

seven inches high,

unusually large curved beak.

That's the one, all right.

- That bird flew in...
- Quiet or you'll scare him away!

Oh, I'm gonna need
the emergency truck,

a ladder, and a net.

The virus produces
a sense of euphoria,

a feeling of well-being,

no symptoms except
a sudden change

in behavior patterns.

Highly contagious,
avoid contact... oh!

Liz! I'll be out in a minute.

Pete!

Hi, honey.

Oh, Pete, that beautiful beard.

Yeah, I cut my hair, too.

Ever get
an irresistible impulse?

Oh, I still don't know
why I did it.

I do.

Read this.

It's a health department
bulletin,

explains the whole thing.

That's what happened to you.

It's a virus,
you got it from that bird

that flew in here this morning.

I just saw him downstairs
in a tree.

The police are trying
to catch him.

Hey, how about that?

Uh, change in behavior,
that's me.

- Uh-hmm.
- Yeah.

Very contagious.

Um-huh-huh-huh-huh.

One little kiss
and you'll have it, too.

- I don't want it.
- Just one little kiss,

you'll like yourself
in the morning.

- I don't wanna be.
- Then, we'll get married,

a real marriage,
a church wedding.

- I don't want... I...
- And we'll get a little place

in Jersey and have some kids
and I'll mow the lawn.

And give up all this?

All what?

Oh, come on, Liz.

- This is no way to live.
- Pete, stay away from me.

I'll go back to work.

- Go back to work?
- Yeah. I'll call Bolton, Greely

and Sealy and try to get
my old job back...

- Gotcha! Pucker up!
- Pete, let go of me!

Pucker up

ah, ah! Oh!

- Conrad!
- Honey,

- just one little kiss.
- Gertrude!

One little kiss!

Hey!

Oh! Ah!

Listen!

- Hey!
- And then, if he just gets close

- to you, you can catch it.
- Hey, come on, Liz!

Go away! Go away you leper!

Come on, Liz! Let me in!

Ooh! Oh.

He came back.

Amigo, huh?

You want a grape?

Hey.

The Mets could use
you in the infield.

Hmm, doing a famous slider.

The pitcher picks up the grape.

Man on second,

signal.

Prrt.

Hey, amigo,

you can give it to Liz.

See, uh, I'll take you up
on the roof

and I'll put you down
the ventilator.

What?

Oh, it'll only take
five minutes.

Wouldn't have worked anyway.

Conrad stopped up the ventilator

to keep the fresh air out.

Hoffnungslosigkeit,

It's Hans Hinklemeyer.

Hoffnungslosigkeit,

the Hinklemeyer, he's here?

- Yes.
- In New York?

Yes. Yes.

I'm here on a lecture tour.

Yeah, Harvard, Yale.

You're at the airport?

Well, stay right there

and I'll come and meet you.

Nein.

It wouldn't be necessary.

Anyone who followed
in mein philosophy

can certainly find your place.

Welcome.

I am Conrad.

Conrad.

Hans Hinklemeyer,

happy to be here.

Yeah, extremely happy.

And this is Phil.

Hinklemeyer.

Roger.

Hinklemeyer.

Sybil.

Hmm...

Hinklemeyer.

Sam.

Hinklemeyer.

Hmm, what a funny little beard.

And this is the sack.

Coochy, coochy, coochy.

Ah, a Fraulein sack.

Fraulein sack,

Hans Hinklemeyer.

And this is Aida.

Oh, yeah?

Hans Hinklemeyer.

I read your book.

It was very depressing.

Good.

And Gertrude.

Unlike you,
we only use first names.

We believe that last names

are superfluous

because when the world
is destroyed,

our first names
will be our last names.

Yeah, yeah, true, true.

In your letters, didn't you say

a group with 60, 70,

I'm counting only.

But we didn't know
you were coming.

So tomorrow
we will have everybody.

And tonight,
you will stay here and

in hoffnungslosigkeit,

they never sleep with a roof
over their head.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, some disciple.

I'm coming here
only to greet you

and now I must be going.

I am the
that tire I think you say.

But before you go,

could you tell me something

about hoffnungslosigkeit?

Yes, you mispronounce it.

It's not hoffnungslosigkeit,

it's hoffnungslosigkeit,

long 00.

Not hoffnungslosigkeit?

Well, in

they say, hoffnungslosigkeit,

but in Munchen, they say.

Hoffnungslosigkeit,

Hoff. Hoff.

Ooh. Ooh.

Hoffnungslosigkeit,

- hoffnungslosigkeit, - no, no.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

- Hoffnung.
- Hoffnung.

Nice. Ooh.

- Hoffnungslosigkeit,
- hoffnungslosigkeit,

- ooh.
- Ooh.

- Hoofnungs.
- Hoofnungs.

- Nungslosigkeit.
- Nungslosigkeit.

That's better.

But one thing confuses me...

- Yeah.
- You write about misery

but you seem so happy.

Yeah, and I do really.

You must remember three things.

- Eins.
- Eins.

The only solution
of the world's problem

- is total destruction, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Zwei.
- Zwei.

The world is destroying
itself, yeah?

- Yeah.
- So, drei.

So what's to worry about, yeah.

But professor...

Uh, uh, uh, uh,

you think about that,

and tomorrow, we discuss it.

Pete?

Oh, it's me,

Hans Hinklemeyer.

Conrad sent me.

I've been exposed to a virus.

I wouldn't wanna take
a chance on you getting it

that's why I wasn't upstairs
with the others.

I am not afraid.

Four times I've had
the black plague,

no virus would come close to me.

Oh, wait.

Maybe if I just stay
far away from you then

you'd be safe.

- Won't you sit?
- Nein.

We don't sit down.

We go right to bed.

What?

We go to bed together.

But Hinklemeyer.

Oh, please, call me Hans.

Well, you can't just stay here.

And why not?

Conrad tells me
your love is gone

so I take his place.

But Pete might come back.

Then we three sleep together

but it wouldn't bother me.

In Munchen sometimes we sleep

six, seven, together.

- No, no, no.
- I don't think the best...

You have bourgeois morality.

- No, no, it isn't that.
- Uh-hmm.

It's... well,

you might catch the virus.

Ahh, couldn't be worse
than a bad cold.

Come to bed.

Reminds me of Heidenburg.

Come.

Why run away?

I couldn't understand you.

I hear in the Greenwich village,

everybody is making love

with everybody else.

Is it better,

but you,

you act like you have
no experiences

with strangers.

- No experiences?
- Uh-hmm.

I've had dozens and dozens.

Oh?

Then one more would make
no difference, yeah.

But in your book, you're against

emotional involvements.

Oh, really?

Wouldn't be no involvement.

We make love like
total strangers.

Hans, there's no such thing
as love.

There's only hate.

Well, if you don't see
no difference

then hate me but then...

But Herr Hinklemeyer.

Five minutes.

You're lovely.

Wonderful.

You are a great looking broad.

Oh, please don't.

You're right.

There could never be anyone
but Pete.

Um, well, um,

I wouldn't, uh,

wouldn't want to stay
with a Fraulein

who wasn't willing.

Besides, I think there's a law

against that in this country.

I wanna thank you

for being so understanding.

No, that's all right.

But we have
in my country a custom.

When one is rejected,

one goes with a kiss

to show there's
no hard feelings,

please?

A little kiss

like I would give
mein sister Brunhi.

Well, I...

That's the way
you kiss your sister?

Well, you see we have

a slightly
incestuous relationship.

Now, come and see me...

Pete.

- You.
- Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Miserable.

Wow.

What's so wrong

with somebody caring

dreaming, loving, and sharing?

What's so bad
about feeling good?

It's a rich life

magic, and thrilling

yours to take if you're willing

what's so bad
about feeling good?

Though the world
may not be perfect yet

still the only way
it's gonna get

any better is if we try

so come and kiss me

let's get it started

together warm and lighthearted

we'll enjoy life
the way we should

and tell me what's so bad

tell me what's so bad

about feeling good?

Well, Pete, it's good
to have you back in the team.

We've certainly missed you.

I'm happy to be back.

Now, uh,
I think junior has come up

with a one minute commercial

that'll push the numbers

right up through the roof.

Get it on
the launching pad, son,

and let's see if takes off, huh.

Well, dad...

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Go ahead, son, go ahead.

Well, as I was saying, dad,

it's just the bare bones.

I haven't fleshed it up yet.

Gentlemen,

the premise is that ultra

is more than appeal,

it's a miracle.

It'll do everything

for everybody.

Are you tired,

sluggish?

Ultra will give you
new vitality.

Are you irritable, tense?

Ultra will tranquilize

your jangled nerves.

Overweight?

It's the perfect reducing pill.

Underweight?

A perfect builder-upper.

Now here comes the real grabber.

Let's hear it, son.

And for the girls,

only one ultra pill a day

takes all the worry out
of romance.

Top drawer, huh, Pete?

I love it. I just love it.

It's gonna increase
the business 1,000%.

How about that last bit?

Well, Pete,

what do you think of it?

I don't like it.

Why?

It's not honest.

I see.

Not honest, huh.

You're fired.

Bolton, Greely, and Sealy.

Pete,

I'm sure he'll take you back.

Just tell Bolton
it's a great commercial.

Hold on.
That you thought it over

and you changed your mind.

I've got a feeling
he's gonna change his mind.

Hey, it's for you.

It's the engraving company.

Uh, I'll call them back.

I put something
into orbit this morning.

- It wasn't...
- He'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Bolton, Greely, and Sealy.

No, I'm sorry, lady,
he's not in.

Harriet?

Harriet, you're heavenly.

Bolton, Greely, and Sealy.

Liz?

Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me.

- Sorry.
- Oh.

Oh, that was wunderbar
Herr Hinklemeyer,

you know, it's much better
than that old beard.

That was.

Hey, you,

none of that stuff
on the escalator.

Escalator?

I thought it was an oscillator.

Escalator. Oscillator, get it?

Well, if he didn't it at first,
he's got it now.

Oh, darling,
I'm so glad I got it.

And I do want a church wedding

and I want 10 children,

and I'm gonna bake bread for you
and guess what?

I'm gonna grow roses. Yes, I am.

What about
something more hideous?

Where are we going?

I'll give you three guesses.

Now, this is a toucan

from the museum
of natural history

and similar to the one
that brought the virus

to New York.

If you have seen a bird
of this species,

please contact
the police immediately.

Now, let me repeat,

there's absolutely no cause
for alarm.

Only 47 cases
have been reported so far.

Uh, the, uh

however,
the commissioner of health

recommends that you wear

a surgical mask

when you're out in public.

Now, you may use
any kind you wish

or you may obtain this type

at your nearest fire

or police station,

without any cost, whatsoever.

It's just another service

of your friendly administration.

Bye now.

You're off the air,
Mr. Mayor, thank you.

We'll wrap up
after your feed, Mr. Mayor.

It was great, chief.

- Short and sweet.
- Real sincere.

You looked great, Walter.

Fine, fine.

I think you
underplayed it, Walter.

True we got a line on the 47

who reported to doctors but...

But when you feel good,
you don't go to a doctor.

Lord knows
how many more have it.

Well, the virus only has
a life of 10 days or so.

You said so yourself.

Yes, but somebody
who gets it on the 10th day

and has it for another 10 days,

and a week after he gets it,

he gives it to somebody else,
and so on,

theoretically,
it could go on for years.

Well, have you found out
any more about the effect

of the virus?

Merely that it frees people

from hostile feelings.

You mean like tranquilizers?

No, they merely suppress

and diminish hostility.

The virus seems to do away
with it entirely.

People become, uh, friendly,

more hopeful and stop brooding.

Mr. Mayor, 82%,

not only stopped brooding,

they stopped smoking.

Ninety-three percent
stopped drinking.

What's wrong with that?

In terms of dollars and cents,

it's disastrous.

Our city is facing

a drastic loss in income

from sales tax.

That's ridiculous.
Forty-seven people?

A drop in the bucket.

But if this goes unchecked
for a month,

by mathematical progression,

half of New York
will have the virus.

You know what that means?

It means a loss in cigarette

and liquor taxes

more than 180 million dollars.

A hundred and eighty million?

Brady, what are you
sitting there for?

- Get that bird.
- Yes, sir.

It's not just the sales tax
that worries me,

but suppose one of us gets it

and starts making
irrational decisions?

He's right.

And there's only one place
in the city

where there's no risk
of infection,

the command post
fallout shelter.

Now, I suggest
that you establish

your headquarters there
immediately

and remain until we get
this thing under control.

Run away?

Desert my constituents?

No, sir.

No, I'm staying right here

on the firing line

with the people.

Sorry to be late, Mr. Mayor,

but I've been working

on the recreational
facilities problem.

Gentlemen, as you all know,

we desperately need more parks

in lower Manhattan.

Well, I have finally come upon

the perfect solution.

We tear down
the New York stock exchange

and the treasury building
across the street

and use that space
for a beautiful playground.

We can condemn that property
for very little.

It'll cost the city

less than six million dollars
an acre.

We'll continue this discussion

in the fallout shelter.

There'll be plenty
of room for the kiddies

to play baseball and football,

and hopscotch, Jacks,

and there'll be jungle gyms

and slides, and swings,

and seesaws,

checkerboards
for the senior citizens.

Oh, it'll be heaven.

Could you
hold it there, Mr. Mayor?

One more picture, Mr. Mayor?

How about some shots
of the fallout shelter?

Mr. Mayor, I know you're busy,
may I have a moment, sir?

Certainly.

Tell me, sir, is there
any truth to the rumor

that there's been a spread
in the epidemic?

Epidemic?

Oh, well,
I'd hardly call it an epidemic.

After all we only have
a hundred and eighty million...

Uh, forty-seven cases.

Well, why then, sir, are you
visiting the fallout shelter?

Just a routine inspection,

the last Friday of every month.

But today is Saturday, sir.

Well, better late than never.

And don't forget, folks,
get those masks,

drink liquids,
get plenty of rest,

and above all, don't worry.

- Bye now.
- Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

As you heard from the mayor,
ladies and gentlemen,

there's no need for panic.
There is no crisis.

But now, let's hear
from the man on the street.

- Hey, you.
- Or in this particular instance,

the lady in the street.

Tell me, ma'am, are you
concerned with the virus?

What virus?

Why, the one
we've been talking about.

I haven't been talking
about no virus.

I'm trying to get
to 46th street,

a cop stops me.

What did I do?

All of a sudden
you can't go to 46th street.

What is this?

A one way sidewalk
or something, huh?

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Thank you. Thank you.

And now ladies and gentlemen,

we return you to our studio.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

- I'd like to say something.
- Why, yes, sir.

Well, I've got it.

- So have I.
- You got... you got what?

- The virus.
- The virus.

And it's the greatest thing
that ever happened to us.

It makes you feel wonderful.

And forget about
what the mayor said,

forget about getting
those masks.

Find a crowd and breathe deep.

- Right.
- Officer?

Unfortunately, more people took

the mayor's advice than ours.

So, the sack and I felt
it was our duty

to volunteer in
the mayor's prevention program.

We infiltrated as saboteurs.

While the sack made sure
that every mask

was specially treated
with the virus,

I made sure that nobody got away

without one.

I was in charge
of transportation

assisted by Conrad.

Our specialty was the subway
at rush hour,

where the biggest crowd
were breathing in,

we were there breathing out.

Gertrude got as close
to as many people

as she possibly could.

She was a stranger in town
and needed help.

She said she was lost,

just couldn't find her way

to Rockefeller center.

And those that Gertrude missed,

Barney got.

He gave out free samples

and he had plenty
of takers who took home

a lot more than
a stick of chewing gum.

Roger got a job
in a department store.

He was not only a good salesman

but an excellent distributor.

At night, Aida and I teamed up,

we were the bubble sisters,

and every bubble Aida blew

was filled with greetings
from amigo.

And I'm bubbling over

I'm bubbling over

I'm bubbling over with love

give me a guy I can tease

and I'll give him
a little squeeze

because I'm bubbling over

with a simple desire to please

a kiss, maybe more

there's no reason
for keeping score

as I'm bubbling over

I'm bubbling over

I'm bubbling over with love

love

Lunch hours,
we spent in central park

feeding peanuts to pigeons.

These weren't ordinary peanuts,

they were coated
with a new secret ingredient.

Yes, the little bird
who started it all

now had a battalion
of feathered friends.

The city was under attack

by land, sea, and air.

Two days later, you wouldn't
have known the place.

Over one million new yorkers

had joined the club.

- Excuse me.
- Please, you were first.

Oh, thank you.

- Good morning.
- Nice day, isn't it?

- I'm sorry.
- Pardon me.

May I help you?

Howdy do, ladies.

I hope you have a lovely day.

Bye.

Bye.

America, America...

da, da

And liquor and cigarettes

weren't the only products
in trouble.

For instance, over...

Bolton, Greely and...

Sealy?

Good morning.

May I help you?

Oh,

oh, I'm so sorry.

Mr. Bolton is in conference.

And gentlemen, the more
I thought about pizza idea,

the better I like it.

Honesty in advertising,

what a fresh idea.

Just great, Pete,

to show our appreciation,

here's a bonus for you.

Thanks, Lou.

You're very welcome, Pete.

And now gentlemen,

is there one honest claim

we can make for ultra?

Well,

we could say they're round.

Mama.

Mama.

Mama.

As you see
our camera is photographing

just a few of the 600 people

who are waiting
outside city hall.

The latest figure show
that marriage licenses

are running 912% above average.

Also in the last 24 hours,

only one application for divorce

has been granted.

And 75% of all pending lawsuits

have been settled out of court.

I have just received word

that j. Gardner Monroe

is about to enter the city.

As you all know,

Mr. Monroe was appointed
by the president yesterday

after the mayor
of New York appealed

to the federal government
for help in...

And here comes a helicopter
which is carrying Mr. Monroe

to the mayor's fallout shelter.

And so now we take you back

to Whitfield shore. Witt?

I'm here, Vic,

but we're not allowed
on the roof

during the landing.

So we'll switch
to our camera plane,

ladies and gentlemen,

so you can view the approach.

Mr. Monroe will go directly
to the fallout shelter

which is seven floors
below ground level

and is perfectly equipped

for this emergency.

There is no danger
of air, water,

or food contamination,

ample lavatory facilities.

Every known means
of communication.

Sleeping accommodations
for a hundred

and food enough to last 40 days.

J. Gardner Monroe,

young, dynamic,

has served
the present administration

as a mediator
and a trouble shooter

in enumerable national
and international crises.

As they say in Washington,

"if you want something
accomplished,

send Monroe."

Here come a few
of his assistants

wearing gas masks as a defense

against the virus.

And now, yes,

here comes j. Gardner Monroe.

Apparently, he wants
to make a statement.

Perhaps we'll be
fortunate enough

to learn the government strategy

in fighting this epidemic.

Do you wish to make
a statement, Mr. Monroe?

Do you wish to make
a statement, Mr. Monroe?

Yes, I do.

I have a statement
from the president.

"And I quote," first,

I had asked
the world health organization

of the United Nations

to instruct every point of entry

in every country

to quarantine all passengers

from the United States.

It is our aim therefore...

It is our aim thereby

to prevent this virus

from spreading beyond our shoes.

Second, I am confident

that my special representative.

J. Gardner Monroe,

a dedicated, dynamic,

inspiring personality,

and leader,

"will find a solution
to this vexing problem."

What do you think?

What have you done?

How about.

- It's beautiful.
- Liz, look at this,

- this is the shower.
- Sure.

- Look at the shower.
- Pete,

look at the shower.

Oh, wow.

- Can I get in there?
- Oh, it's beautiful.

- Hey, there's amigo.
- Where?

- Oh, amigo.
- Right there.

- Hey.
- Isn't he beautiful.

Oh, look how friendly he is.

- Shh.
- He's back.

Don't scare him.

He's got his eye on the grapes.

Well, welcome home.

I hoped you'd come back.

What took you so long?

- Ravics, my security adviser.
- Your honor.

- Marshall, legal.
- Mr. Mayor.

Dr. Strager, medical.

Murgatroyd, uh,

my, um, uh...

- Administrative assistant.
- Yes.

- Mr. Monroe.
- Yes.

Over here, we have
our communication center

with direct lines to city hall,

Albany, United Nations,
and the white house.

Uh, do you read me?

Yes, sir.

At 1,300 hours,

I'll speak to the president

on extension one.

Yes, sir.

Over and out.

Well, Mr. Mayor,

where do we stand?

Well, these are
the latest figures.

Two million one hundred

and ninety-three thousand

two hundred
and six cases already, huh?

Mr. Mayor.

And our computers predicted
three and a half million,

we'll have it by this Saturday.

Well, Mr. Mayor,

you wanted New York known
as fun city,

I think you're gonna get
your wish.

Those commies sure are sneaky.

Oh, come on.

You don't think for one moment

that this thing
is just an accident, do you?

Do you?

And that bird landed
on that ship,

its position was, uh...

Longitude 82, latitude 24.

Twenty four.

Not very far from Cuba, hey?

Take my word for it.

That bird is
a hooked-nose missile

sent here by you know who.

Mr. Monroe,
you don't honestly think...

Yes, Mr. Mayor.

Yes.

Tell him.

We have information.

They planned to dump LSD
in the reservoir.

So this could very well be part

of a coordinated attack.

Huh?

Oh, look at the facts.

Look at the facts.

When people get the bug,

they suddenly love the world.

Now if you know
who was getting ready

to act up again,

what would be better
than to give Americans

a sense of security?

A full sense of security

and euphoria.

Mr. Monroe,

you are not suggesting
this virus

was artificially produced

- in a laboratory?
- Yes.

Virus...

Uh, laboratory, yes.

Medical impossibility,

just couldn't have happened.

That's what they said
about the power failure

here in New York in '65.

And what about the Asian flu?

That came straight,

believe you me, from red China.

Well, good old American know-how

took care
of those sneak attacks.

And I guarantee you,

it'll take care of this one.

I bet he does it this time.

Oh, Pete, he'll never do it.

He will.

Now, the chair, amigo.

Now do you want this grape?

You jump down and get it.

Go on. Go on.

Yay, amigo.

Yay.

The president
is not happy and neither am I.

I can't understand it.

Twenty-eight thousand cops

and you can't catch
one lousy bird.

At 20,000,

8,000 have got the bug.

These surgical masks

proved to be only 42% effective.

Forty-two percent.

We're switching to this type.

I know the problem.

So far we're only got enough

- for the high-ranking officers.
- Gmm.

But as soon
as we've more available,

the whole force will have them.

And Mr. Monroe,

wouldn't you care
to see the lab?

- It's just this way.
- Yes.

Can't you do anything
without that bird?

I mean, they didn't need
the original mosquito

to kill malaria.

But they didn't need
an infected brain.

Well, grab a stiff
from the morgue.

Must be somebody down there
who died laughing.

Illegal,
must permission of next of kin.

The cops
won't help us any, Mr. Monroe,

a virus is only found
in living cells.

Well,
what about some other bird,

a pigeon, or a seagull

that the toucan has been,

you know, shacking up with?

Well, we have suspensions

of a hundred
and fifty pigeon brains

under examination.

Here, I'll show you.

We might get a result
but the further away

from the original carrier
you get,

the less virulent
the strain becomes.

And so we're right back
to old hooked-nose again.

Well, listen to me, gentlemen,

and listen well.

If you haven't found the answer

before that
electric scoreboard out there

says three million,

I'm putting plan cc-27

into effect.

Not cc-27.

Yes.

The Bridges, tunnels,

airports will be closed.

Repeat, closed.

Not one single person

will get in or out of New York.

But Mr. Monroe,

do you realize
we have 52 conventions

coming in next week?

Conventions?

Do you realize what would happen

if this got to Washington,

Republicans agreeing
with democrats

and vice versa?

This bird could destroy

our two-party system,

the very foundation

of our great democracy.

- This bird...
- Could be the salvation

of America.

This bird

has given us
what the world needs

more than anything else.

Hope.

Shut that window.

Shut that window.

That's them.

The ones who let the bird in,

about 10 minutes ago.
I saw them.

You say stay here.

Put your guards the back
of the building.

Gunty, Ponazecki.

Yes, sir.

Come on.

Back in the

They're coming
in the front door.

Pete, they'll kill him.
They want his brain.

Don't worry, amigo,

we'll get you out of here.

We'll think of something.

Whoa.

Now watch yourself
in the stairs.

- Stairs, yes, yes.
- Do you feel all right?

Yes, I'm fine. Um-hmm.

Good afternoon, officer.

Take it easy,
lady, I got a car downstairs.

Gunty, Ponazecki.

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.

Maternity on the way down.

Maternity, emergency.

Now, here we go, lady,
now just watch your step.

Now, that's not really
necessary officer.

- I'm fine, I'm just fine.
- We'll have you

at the hospital
in about five minutes.

- No problem.
- Where is it?

Where's the bird?

Police brutality.

She's strong as a horse,
very strong, very, very strong.

I'm in good shape,
really good shape.

Wait, forgot your toothbrush.

I keep telling you,

I do not want to go
the hospital.

I believe in natural childbirth.

Right, pains like that, lady,

this is no do-it-yourself job.

Right this way, easy now, lady.

Watch it.

That's it. Easy.

Want us to call
in for a preacher to meet us

- so you can get married first?
- Uh-uh.

The feathers are tickling.

She's getting hysterical.

Get going.

Easy now, easy now.

- She's very serious.
- She's

- that's it.
- She promised her mother.

Yeah, I know, natural birth.

Okay, take her away.

- Follow me, here's the desk.
- I'll be with you

as soon as
you've been registered.

Oh, that's all right,
it's no hurry.

I'll stand by
while you sign her in.

Oh, there's no need
for you to stay.

Thank you very much, sergeant.

You'd think I'd leave here now?

It's an emergency.

He's still got
to fill out the forms.

I'll see if! Can speed this up,

- I know the head nurse.
- No, it's... don't...

Instead of rice,
they should throw rocks.

Since I got the virus,

I'm not so quick
to point a finger.

That's why
you should see the doctor.

You're not yourself.

I like me better the way I am.

I'm so glad you're happy, honey.

I got news for you,

when they kick like that,

it's gonna be a boy.

Personally, I think it's nice

to have a birthday the same day

as the wedding anniversary.

That way everybody in the family

gets a present.

Oh, yes.

Mazel tov, honey.

Dr. Kelner,

Dr. Kelner,

Dr. Wiseman,

- Dr. Wiseman,
- but you got to help her.

She's out there in a wheelchair.

If we don't get her
into a hospital room soon,

she's gonna have the baby
right in the lobby.

Now sergeant, calm down,

we've handled hundreds
of cases like this,

and we haven't lost
a policeman yet.

I'll do with the best I can

but we have a routine
to follow, and we must follow.

Tell the doctor
it's an emergency, emergency.

Amigo, ssh.

I'm hurrying,
it'll just be another minute.

Doctor,
have you seen a pregnant woman

in a wedding outfit?

I've been
an obstetrician for 20 years

but that, I've never seen.

Amigo, scrunch up, I can't
get it open any further.

If you could just...

Could you just put your...

Put your nose down.

Uh, may I come in?

Mrs. Collins?

No, no, no, no,
you've got the wrong room.

Well, they told me

that Mrs. Collins was
in the emergency room?

No, no, no, no.

Listen, Dr. Brody
is on his way here now

but I think

I better take a look
at you first.

Uh, I'm in his class,

obstetrics one.

Obstetrics one?

- Yes.
- Well, I certainly didn't

come here to be examined
by a student, no.

Oh, no. I...

You got here just in time.

Uh, Dr. Brody is going

to let me observe.

It will be my first baby.

Do you mind if! Listen
to the heartbeat?

You listen to me,

go tell the doctor
that I shouldn't be here.

This is a false pregnancy.

If that's a false pregnancy,

I'm gonna flunk the course.

Call the doctor,
I'm gonna faint.

I've got some smelling salts.

Wonderful.

Dr. Brody.

Dr. Brody.

Dr. Brody. Dr. Brody.

It's got feathers.

Dr. Benedict.

Coochey coo.

It's amazing how fast
they get them back

on their feet these days.

Hey you.

Stop, you're under arrest.

Ooh, whoa.

- No amigo, not in there.
- Amigo, get out of there,

that's a cop car.

And when last seen,

the toucan was flying north

by northeast at low altitude.

The man and woman
who concealed the bird

are being held for questioning.

Oh, no, they don't.

Well, he's busy right now,

I'm his assistant,
could I take a message?

Tell them to bring them here,

put them in your isolation booth

and I'll do the questioning,

and keep the house
where they live staked out.

The bird may go back there.

Have nets ready,

ladders and bait the place

for all the grapes
they can find.

Don't worry, Mr. Monroe.

I guarantee you
we'll get him this time

with these tranquilizer rifles.

Eighty-six have been
issued already.

That's propelled by a co2
cylinder isn't it?

Yeah. It shoots a projectile

with a drug that won't harm
the bird in anyway.

Two ccs
of a rapid-acting immobilizer.

It'll put him to sleep
for about...

45 minutes.

Illegal.

Oh, he needed a rest anyway.

Works very well.

Captain Wallace,

captain Wallace,
to command post.

As per instructions,

all stations are manned
and ready, over and out.

Yeah, big deal,

hey, you'd think they was after
a lion or something.

This is what
we pay our taxes for?

Come on, come on,
back of the ropes.

What are you shoving for?

This is sugar one
to all stations.

Report in sequence.

Come in sugar two, over.

This is sugar two,
we're ready over.

Sugar three ready

and over.

Sugar four ready, over.

This is sugar five,

ready and over.

All right,

for the last time.

Where did that bird go?

Come on, speak up,

where did it go?

Keep telling you, Mr. Monroe,

I don't know.

He just flew away.

Oh, he just flew away

to a little hideout

you got fixed for him, huh?

Come on,

where did he go?

If I knew, I wouldn't tell you.

Amigo is the greatest thing

that ever happened to New York.

Amigo,

that's Spanish for comrade,

isn't it?

Friend.

Comrade.

Amigo, that's a nice name

- for a bird.
- Well, it's

that's just what we call him.

There was this window pane,
broken out.

And I pasted
an ad for amigo wine,

over the pane.

And that bird poked his beak

right through the ad,
under the word amigo.

And that's
why we call him amigo.

When was the last time
you were in Cuba,

Mr. Jackson?

- Cuba?
- Oh, come on.

We've run a check on you
and your gang.

One of them had a beard
just like Castro.

They all had
some kind of a beard.

How do you explain that?

He didn't shave.

All right.

Let me ask you something.

Ha.

When was the last time

you were in Cuba?

Uh, that's what I asked her?

Yeah, what did she say?

She said, she doesn't
speak Spanish.

Then, how come you answered

in Spanish, senorita?

Slipped out, didn't it?

Because you're.

What the hell is that?

It's h-hour for plan cc27.

Mr. Monroe,

Mr. Monroe.

Mr. Monroe,
can we hold off on cc27.

Doctor witter is convinced
that the computer is wrong.

- What?
- I just don't believe

that many people have
the virus, Mr. Monroe.

I believe no more than
50% are infected.

The rest are just
being swept along.

Well, if they haven't got it,

then why aren't they acting
like normal, cynical people?

People who have it
and not spreading a virus

as much as a manner of behavior.

They believe the world
is not beyond redemption.

They're happy, considerate,

polite, friendly.

And the others
are responding in kind.

Talk to him, Mr. Monroe.

As if you were angry.

Go ahead. Talk harshly.

The president
of the United States

did not send me here
to talk to a dog.

Get him outta here.

Hey, hey.

Mr. Mayor, you talk to him.

Hello, boy. Come on.

Come on up, fella.

Come on, oh,

what a nice little doggie.

- Yeah.
- Humans react the same way,

Mr. Monroe.

You're angry at the dog,

that was New York a week ago.

He was kind,

that's New York today.

I wonder if that's
what happened to me, Pete.

You know, I didn't wake up
that morning feeling good

the way you did.

You didn't?

But then Gertrude and Conrad
and the others

were so cheerful and...

Well, you've been so nice
the day before.

Maybe I was immune to the virus

and it just sort of
rubbed off on me.

Virus shmirus,
as long as you feel good.

Friendly man gets
a friendly response.

Come on, come on.

Somehow,
I just don't trust a man

who talks like that.

Are you sure
he has security clearance?

Yes, top-secret rating.

Well, you never know for sure.

You just never know.

I mean, he may be in with them.

Turn those Cuban spies loose.

- Both of them?
- But keep them under observation

- day and night.
- Tell them

- they're in the clear, right?
- Right.

Give them a full sense
of security.

They may lead us
to the head of their ring.

Your attention, please.

Observation post 14

reports toucan
approaching stakeout.

This is sugar one.

Radio silence will be maintained

until further notice.

Okay.

Ready?

One, two, three.

Good work, Gunty,
you got it 'em, you got 'em.

Ponazecki?

Gunty?

Gunty, where are you?

Oh, no.

Uh-oh.

This is sugar one.

Over.

And out.

I got him.

I got him, I got him.

Well, I think
we better use pentathol.

Why don't
you just wring his neck?

Dr. Shapiro?

Dr. Shapiro,
we've isolated the virus.

Hold off another section.

It's from a pigeon brain.

Which one?

The female from
St. Bartholomew's church.

They finally had him cornered.

Now they had to find
the chemical

that would knock him out.

They hit him
with everything known

to medical science,

but he was a real champ.

He took their best punches

and kept smiling.

Then they ganged up on him
with combinations,

and he still stayed on his feet.

Finally, they brought in
two heavyweights,

an 8-aminoquinoline derivative

and a thiosemicarbazone.

When they got together,
it was no contest,

it was a one-punch fight.

The virus went down
for the count,

he was through, washed up.

He'd never fight again.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Those are very kind words.

But no, uh,

a testimonial dinner
isn't necessary.

I will, sir.

Thank you and goodbye, sir.

Now, where the hell were we?

Okay, we've got the junk
that'll cure it,

but this isn't enough
to take care of Staten island.

Well, fortunately,
this combination of chemicals

- is produced commercially.
- Good.

And the pharmaceutical houses
have assured me

- of an unlimited supply.
- Okay.

It'll be expensive,

but they're giving it
to us at cost.

After all,
their sales of tranquilizers

and sleeping spills are off 86%.

Listen, if you need money,

I can get the president
to declare New York

a disaster area.

Federal funds
won't be necessary.

The, uh, tobacco
and liquor industry

have given us an emergency Grant

of, uh,

10 million.

Repeat.

Pass an ordinance
so that everybody in New York

has to take a shot
of this stuff.

Oh, uh, one step at a time,
Mr. Monroe.

It, uh, it worked
on the laboratory animals

and the toucan,

but we don't know if
it'll be effective on humans.

We'll have to run some tests,

preferably on someone
who got the virus directly

- from the bird.
- Oh, well, that's no problem.

We, uh, still have
those Greek sailors

in quarantine, haven't we?

Illegal, you cannot experiment
on foreign citizens

without the consent
of their government.

All right.

What about those two Cuban spies

we had down there?

We've kept a tail on them,
haven't you?

However they're being married

this afternoon, they're, uh,

spending the night at the...

This savoy towers, room 1243.

See, I've got a pipeline
with the manager,

and he used to be with the CIA.

Good. Get the stuff,
and when they're not looking,

have the manager jab them
in their rump...

Illegal.

All right.

Slip it in their food, then.

Illegal.

- Oh, please.
- Now, Mr. Monroe.

I, uh, I don't know
about the legality,

but I know an easier way.

By inhalation.

It worked successfully
on some of the animals.

We merely, uh,

put some of the chemical
in the aerosol

- and spray the room.
- Illegal.

Don't tell me it's illegal

to spray a bedroom
on a wedding night.

I did it myself.

Lily-of-the-valley,
my third wife.

Uh, we only
have one more problem.

My staff and I have
to observe the reactions

of the patients during
the recuperative period.

All right, we plant
a camera and a mic,

and don't tell me
that's illegal,

because I've done that myself.

To get the goods
on my second wife.

Illegal?

Not unless it's used
as evidence in court.

All right,

you take it from here, Brady.

They're in room, um...

- Twelve-forty-three.
- Twelve-forty-three.

Mr. Monroe,

we don't go in
for that sort of thing.

Never have.

But I understand it can be done.

If you wanna bug a room,

all you do is plant

a little shortwave gizmo
like this.

Slap it under a table,

chair, bed,

anything.

Relay truck picks it up.

You can be miles away,

and hear them talking
in whispers.

Uh, uh, at least

that's what they tell me.

And I've heard of a new
midget TV camera

you can hide in a room.

A beauty,

works like a charm.

Gives you a full view

of the room.

The air-conditioning outlet

is a good place to hide it.

Testing video.

Testing video, testing video.

Um, we wanna see,

um, more of the bed.

Pan it to the left.

Okay.

Move it over to the right.

More.

Oop, too much.

There.

Right.

Video's clear.

Lock in that position.

Put in the blacks and the grid.

Open the grid.

No, a little more.

Oh, that's right.

Spray it.

Yeah, okay.

Well, the president
is very pleased.

And if this stuff works
on these Cuban spies,

we'll be able to set up
inoculation centers.

These people are happy.
They won't take the shots.

And they'll probably start
a movement to recall me.

No, no, no, we've got
to devise some way

for them to get it
without their knowing it.

Oh, good, you're just in time.

Uh, she's in bed
and they're drinking champagne.

You're worried.

It's been a wonderful dream.

It can't last forever.

I detect a slight depression.

It's too early
for the chemotherapy

to take effect.

Just the normal doubts
of happiness.

The virus is bound
to wear off sometime.

Of course it will, darling.

But it's been more than a dream.

It's been a new life for us.

And no matter what happens,

we've got to remember that
and cling to it.

What did you put in that spray?

Saccharine?

Someone once said
that if the stars came out

only once in a thousand years,

men would look
at them differently.

Are you sure this is
the right channel?

It sounds like
a soap opera to me.

We have been
warmed by the glow of kindness

and laughter,

touched by goodness

in humanity.

We felt compassion and love.

We finally seen the glory

of the stars.

And love is what makes

the world go round.

Roses are red. Violets are blue.

If my wife talked
to me like that,

I'd smack her in the mouth.

A sentimental, yes.

But that's healthy.

Unfortunately, most people
repress tenderness,

suffocate it with cynicism

- that will...
- Let me tell you something.

Our glorious and dynamic country

did not get that way

by the glow of kindness

and laughter, no, sir.

It was built by competition.

Repeat, competition.

The survival of the fittest.

During the gold rush,

men beat each other's brains out
with pick axes.

And because of that

the great state
of California was born.

What is wrong with you?

Oh, uh, I was just
trying to see.

It's, uh, getting interesting.

If they had a series
like this on TV,

wow.

Shapiro, I thought you said

that stuff was gonna make him
mean and irritable.

Well, in a situation
such as this,

spray or no spray,

you can hardly expect him
to kick her out of bed.

Well, I guess we can all
use a little sleep.

Oh, um, uh, but the sound is on.

We can... we can still hear them.

What, uh, what are you?

Uh, a listening Tom?

All right. You stay and call us

if anything happens.

Murgatroyd, when I say anything,

I don't mean anything.

I wanna come back and see
a normal average couple,

screaming and yelling
at each other, check?

- Check.
- Check.

Mayor, I'm disappointed

in the results.

Oh, darling.

I love you so.

I love you.

I love you.

Pete.

Murgatroyd.

Oh, Murgatroyd.

Come up.

It's, uh...

You frightened me.

Where'd he go?

He's gone.

Brilliant. Did you figure
that out for yourself?

Asleep at your post, eh?

Do you know that
if this were wartime,

you could be shot?

Shot.

Good morning, darling.

I didn't hear you...

I couldn't sleep.

Went out for coffee
and cigarettes.

Room service is probably open.

- I'll order breakfast.
- Never mind.

I don't want any.

Oh, but Pete, you really
should eat something.

Don't bug me.

Well, he's back to normal.

It worked, doc.

About her, she doesn't seem
to have changed a bit.

Yeah, she's probably one
of the fifty percent

who never had it
in the first place.

Don't ask me to go back.

Remember what we had.

Remember it. Cling to it.

You're kidding yourself.

Hinklemeyer is right.

You talk about goodness
and kindness.

Read the front page
and try and find some.

Pete, I can't go back.

I couldn't live that kind
of life ever again.

Okay.

You drink your poison

and I'll drink mine.

There's no doubt about him.

That was certainly
a positive reaction.

Now, how we gonna give it

to the rest of the people?

We can't spray every bedroom
in New York.

I've been experimenting
with a method.

I'm positive it'll work

if you'll all just follow me.

Yeah.

And so you see
I've blended the 8 amino

tile semicarbazone

with gasoline.

And the curative chemical

has not deteriorated in any way.

Excellent. Excellent.

- Will it work, doc?
- Well,

I've examined
all the test slides

and the potency factor
remains constant.

Fowler,

what about diesel oil
and jet fuel?

I've tested it with all
petroleum products.

Beautiful.

Repeat, beautiful.

Mr. Mayor,
they'll just breathe it in

with the rest of the smog.

Illegal. There's an ordinance

against polluting the air.

Polluted?

Do you know what's
in the air already?

Carbon monoxide, uh...

Sulfur oxides, hydrocarbons,

nitrogen dioxides, benzopyrene,

nitric oxide,
radioactive fallout.

Thank you. You hear
the garbage we're breathing?

And you're worried
that I'm gonna pollute the air?

Who knows?
I might be improving it.

That's it.
I'm improving it. Mr. Mayor,

I want you to call
all the oil companies

and make the necessary
arrangements.

I want every taxi, bus,

truck, plane,

and factory that starts
spewing this stuff.

Now, let's get to it.

Of course, none
of the people who had the virus

knew they were inhaling
the cure for it.

The air they were breathing

seemed just the same as usual.

In less than 24 hours,

New York was back to normal.

Don't.

All right.
Mac, make up your mind.

Twenty-eight dollars a day,

take it or leave it.

You don't tell me that,

Nyet.

Nyet.

Bolton, Greely, and Sealy.

Good morning.

Of course, there were some

who didn't change back.

They clung to the illusion
that life was good.

- Good morning.
- It got to be a habit.

Good morning.

But they were in the minority.

Inter-dependence,

the ultimate hypocrisy

is the false hope

that degrades the human organism

and makes a mockery

of existence.

Consequently,

happiness is an illusion.

It was good to be back
where I belonged.

Doing what I wanted to do.

When I wanted to do it.

Back with people
who knew that futility of life

and the absurdity and striving.

What does that mean to you?

That aloneness

is the only companionship

we can hope to attain.

Yes, no phony dreams.

No square cage.

No treadmill.

What's so wrong

with somebody caring

dreaming

loving, and sharing?

What's so bad about...

No responsibilities.

No emotional involvements.

Well I guess this is it, amigo.

See, I just got time

to catch the plane.

Goodbye.

Oh, don't feel sad.

Oh, don't look at me that way.

I feel just as bad as you do.

Well, goodbye, amigo.

What's the matter
with you, amigo?

Huh?

Amigo? Amigo?

Amigo?

Liz?

Liz.

Pete.

Pete, we better hurry.

Hey, lady. Don't worry.

We'll get you
to hospital right away.

Emergency maternity, call in.

Oh, no.

Pete, not again.

Hey, lady? What?

Oh, the world

may not be perfect yet

still the only way

it's gonna get

any better

ls if we try

so come and kiss me

let's get it started

together warm and light-hearted

we'll enjoy life

the way we should

and tell me

what's so bad

tell me what's so bad

about feeling good?