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1
00:00:18,527 --> 00:00:21,599
Should we put his hat on? He looks cold.
2
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:24,684
Let's take him outside.
It's ten degrees warmer out there.
3
00:00:25,727 --> 00:00:27,285
Damn boiler.
4
00:00:27,927 --> 00:00:31,636
We'd be better off
with half a dozen kettles roped together.
5
00:00:31,687 --> 00:00:33,917
He's so beautiful.
6
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,685
Oh. He'll do.
7
00:00:35,727 --> 00:00:40,357
The image of his father... whoever he was.
8
00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:42,602
Nice try, Mum.
9
00:00:42,647 --> 00:00:46,526
The boiler's putting up a bit of a fight,
but I think I've got her worried.
10
00:00:46,567 --> 00:00:49,957
Are we going to have heat soon, Algernon?
Blue is not my colour.
11
00:00:50,007 --> 00:00:52,805
You can have it done fast or done properly.
12
00:00:52,847 --> 00:00:54,803
Have it fast.
13
00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:58,281
You never do it properly.
14
00:00:58,327 --> 00:01:00,636
Kenzo should be a plumber when he grows up.
15
00:01:00,687 --> 00:01:02,678
That's where the real money is.
16
00:01:02,727 --> 00:01:05,560
Yeah, right! No way my son's
going to be a plumber.
17
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:08,075
Michelmas Hall doesn't turn out plumbers.
18
00:01:08,127 --> 00:01:11,324
You're not sending Kenzo
to a private school, are you?
19
00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:15,280
Just cos I didn't get the best doesn't mean
you shouldn't provide it for my son.
20
00:01:15,327 --> 00:01:20,321
So you won't tell us who Kenzo's father is
but you want us to pay his school fees.
21
00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:21,436
That's right.
22
00:01:21,487 --> 00:01:24,843
Anyway, you went
to a wonderful state school.
23
00:01:24,887 --> 00:01:28,084
Although the sex education
could have been better.
24
00:01:28,127 --> 00:01:31,403
I don't want to stand at the school gates
with a bunch of chavs.
25
00:01:31,447 --> 00:01:33,881
I want to stand at the school gates
with Jude Law.
26
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:37,283
If I can't give that to my son,
how can I live with myself?
27
00:01:37,327 --> 00:01:41,036
But state schools are character building.
They're real.
28
00:01:41,087 --> 00:01:43,362
There's a rough and tumble...
29
00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:45,523
realness to the whole experience.
30
00:01:45,567 --> 00:01:48,923
Diversity, Janey.
That's what it's all about.
31
00:01:48,967 --> 00:01:53,279
Private schools have diversity, Mum.
There are millionaires, billionaires.
32
00:01:54,287 --> 00:01:56,278
Algernon,
where does your son go to school?
33
00:01:56,327 --> 00:01:57,601
Eton.
34
00:01:58,887 --> 00:02:01,003
Don't want him mixing with scum.
35
00:02:01,047 --> 00:02:03,515
Bad news, I'm afraid, Mrs H.
36
00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:06,525
I thought I could keep the old girl
ticking over for a bit,
37
00:02:06,567 --> 00:02:09,764
but my professional opinion is
she's knackered.
38
00:02:09,807 --> 00:02:12,844
Oh, no. How much?
39
00:02:12,887 --> 00:02:18,086
Ah, well. I might be able to sort you out
a new one for a shade under two grand.
40
00:02:18,127 --> 00:02:20,118
L2,000?
41
00:02:21,247 --> 00:02:24,364
- How soon can you put it in?
- By the end of the week.
42
00:02:24,407 --> 00:02:27,524
I can't do it tomorrow.
My boy's got a regatta.
43
00:02:27,567 --> 00:02:30,320
See you soon. Stay lucky.
44
00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:32,961
- Maybe I should put the oven on.
- For heat or food?
45
00:02:33,007 --> 00:02:35,077
Suicide.
46
00:02:35,127 --> 00:02:38,005
Where's Dad anyway?
We could do with some hot air.
47
00:02:38,047 --> 00:02:41,119
- He's gone to the Boat Show.
- Dad? He hasn't got a boat.
48
00:02:41,167 --> 00:02:45,240
I go to the Ideal Home Exhibition.
I haven't got one of those.
49
00:02:45,287 --> 00:02:49,166
♪ Hooray, up she rises
Hooray, up she rises
50
00:02:49,207 --> 00:02:51,357
♪ Hooray... ♪ Ahoy, mateys!
51
00:02:51,407 --> 00:02:53,443
Oh, look. It's Barnacle Bill.
52
00:02:53,487 --> 00:02:57,366
Argh! The briny scent of the sea
is still in me nostrils.
53
00:02:58,407 --> 00:03:00,875
Ooh, God! It's cold in here.
54
00:03:02,127 --> 00:03:04,800
- Your mother's not here, is she?
- No.
55
00:03:04,847 --> 00:03:06,644
The old boiler's gone.
56
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,678
Funny. I didn't see her leave.
57
00:03:10,727 --> 00:03:13,321
Hey. Remember that dream I've always had?
58
00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:15,517
When the Pope chases you with an axe?
59
00:03:15,567 --> 00:03:19,845
It's good, it's good. But how many times
have I said I wanted a boat?
60
00:03:19,887 --> 00:03:22,959
- This is the first time.
- Right. The dream begins.
61
00:03:23,007 --> 00:03:27,159
Think of it. You and me sailing around
the Balearics with the sun on our backs.
62
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,085
Janey, your father's talking Balearics again.
63
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,243
What? What do you want?
64
00:03:32,287 --> 00:03:34,278
He wants to play with your boat.
65
00:03:34,327 --> 00:03:38,798
He's certainly not playing with my boat.
Here, he can have me car keys. Go on.
66
00:03:38,847 --> 00:03:41,236
All the other kids have had my car keys.
67
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:45,997
Imagine it, Susan. I'd be on the deck
as the captain, giving all the orders.
68
00:03:46,047 --> 00:03:48,481
You below decks in the galley, cooking up...
69
00:03:49,487 --> 00:03:53,765
- Actually, no, on the deck with me.
- You haven't bought a real boat?
70
00:03:53,807 --> 00:03:57,925
Susan, I have bought the realest boat
on the high seas,
71
00:03:57,967 --> 00:04:01,277
which I intend to christen The Salty Susan.
72
00:04:01,327 --> 00:04:05,559
- Dad, you can't even sail.
- Look, love of my loins...
73
00:04:05,607 --> 00:04:09,156
there'll be no sailing.
It's a 32-foot power cruiser.
74
00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:13,405
The Salty Susan's fast as lightning.
It can do 1,000 knots in good weather.
75
00:04:13,447 --> 00:04:16,564
- No boat can do 1,000 knots.
- Oh, the Susan can.
76
00:04:16,607 --> 00:04:18,484
Forget it. We can't afford it.
77
00:04:18,527 --> 00:04:21,963
I just promised the plumber
a shipload of money for a new boiler.
78
00:04:22,007 --> 00:04:25,477
And for us landlubbers,
our word is the only thing that separates us
79
00:04:25,527 --> 00:04:27,643
from frostbite and divorce.
80
00:04:27,687 --> 00:04:30,440
OK. It can be a 20-footer.
I can get that downriver.
81
00:04:30,487 --> 00:04:32,523
And Michael's off to university next year.
82
00:04:32,567 --> 00:04:36,719
- Well, a 15-foot is good to learn on.
- And there's Kenzo's school fees.
83
00:04:36,767 --> 00:04:41,636
I'm gonna have a bath. Take my boat
and pretend I'm in the North Atlantic.
84
00:04:41,687 --> 00:04:43,882
It'll feel like it. There's no hot water.
85
00:04:47,527 --> 00:04:49,597
Open wide, Mr Renthrow.
86
00:04:50,607 --> 00:04:52,359
There you go.
87
00:04:52,407 --> 00:04:54,716
Very good.
88
00:04:54,767 --> 00:04:58,362
OK. Hold still.
89
00:04:59,407 --> 00:05:01,045
Very good.
90
00:05:06,287 --> 00:05:08,676
You've had all the children you want?
91
00:05:08,727 --> 00:05:10,604
It's not really dangerous, is it?
92
00:05:10,647 --> 00:05:12,956
Not for me, no, cos I'm over here.
93
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:17,522
It's no more radiation than you'd get
on an aeroplane journey.
94
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:20,206
Yeah, but at least I'd be getting a holiday.
95
00:05:20,247 --> 00:05:21,885
Shut your mouth.
96
00:05:23,047 --> 00:05:24,958
- Hold your breath.
- Mr Harper?
97
00:05:25,007 --> 00:05:27,202
Muriel, didn't you see the light?
98
00:05:27,247 --> 00:05:29,715
Yes, but you told me
to tell you when lunch was here.
99
00:05:29,767 --> 00:05:33,237
- Well, where is it?
- It's not here yet.
100
00:05:34,327 --> 00:05:37,444
- Then why are you here?
- I wanted to update you.
101
00:05:37,487 --> 00:05:39,876
- Thank you.
- Anything else?
102
00:05:39,927 --> 00:05:43,237
How can there be anything else?
I didn't ask you here.
103
00:05:43,287 --> 00:05:47,075
- Forgive me for doing my job.
- I'm so sorry, Mr Renthrow.
104
00:05:48,207 --> 00:05:50,721
Every time I take an X-ray,
she just barges in.
105
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:54,282
If she takes in any more radiation,
she'll be trampling Tokyo.
106
00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:01,643
- Hold your breath.
- (Buzzer)
107
00:06:01,687 --> 00:06:04,247
Good. Very good, Mr Renthrow.
Right. Now...
108
00:06:04,287 --> 00:06:07,245
I'll take this away, have it developed.
109
00:06:08,487 --> 00:06:12,036
- She's got lovely lines on her.
- Really? What, Muriel?
110
00:06:12,087 --> 00:06:14,282
- I was talking about the boat.
- Ah.
111
00:06:14,327 --> 00:06:16,477
- That's a 32-footer, isn't it?
- Mm-hm.
112
00:06:16,527 --> 00:06:18,483
I have a 41-foot myself.
113
00:06:20,207 --> 00:06:23,597
- Excuse me while I go and vomit.
- I'm sorry?
114
00:06:23,647 --> 00:06:25,763
I've finished. I'll see you in six months.
115
00:06:25,807 --> 00:06:28,640
Oh. In six months?
116
00:06:28,687 --> 00:06:31,247
I'll be sailing around the Azores.
117
00:06:35,087 --> 00:06:37,282
Sailing around the Azores?
118
00:06:39,887 --> 00:06:42,447
Why can't I do that?
119
00:06:42,487 --> 00:06:47,356
You know why I can't sail round the Azores?
Because I don't have a boat.
120
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,046
And I don't know where the Azares ore.
121
00:06:51,127 --> 00:06:53,800
Azores is. Never mind.
122
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:57,044
Why am I talking to you?
You'll have forgotten this in three seconds.
123
00:06:57,087 --> 00:07:00,762
- Good morning, Ben.
- Ah, talking of brain of goldfish.
124
00:07:00,807 --> 00:07:04,356
Shall we order this type of rubber glove?
125
00:07:04,407 --> 00:07:06,318
Or...
126
00:07:06,367 --> 00:07:08,517
this type of rubber glove?
127
00:07:08,567 --> 00:07:11,479
This isn't about gloves, is it, Roger?
128
00:07:11,527 --> 00:07:14,644
- Oh, this little old thing?
- Looks like a real one to me.
129
00:07:14,687 --> 00:07:17,485
It is a real one.
I decided to treat myself.
130
00:07:17,527 --> 00:07:21,202
What? They cost thousands.
What's going on here?
131
00:07:21,247 --> 00:07:24,239
He's got a boat, you've got a watch
and I'm talking to fish.
132
00:07:24,287 --> 00:07:26,642
Have you ever heard of Pyramus?
133
00:07:26,687 --> 00:07:28,723
- Yeah. Rome or something.
- Close.
134
00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:31,884
- It's a line of domestic products.
- I was gonna say that next.
135
00:07:31,927 --> 00:07:34,395
Pyramus makes everything
from personal hygiene
136
00:07:34,447 --> 00:07:37,007
to household cleaning products to toasters.
137
00:07:37,047 --> 00:07:39,561
Oh, how luxurious. So?
138
00:07:39,607 --> 00:07:41,199
So...
139
00:07:41,247 --> 00:07:44,159
I went to a sales meeting
and it changed my life.
140
00:07:44,207 --> 00:07:45,242
Thank God.
141
00:07:45,287 --> 00:07:48,359
Two days after selling this stuff
in my spare time,
142
00:07:48,407 --> 00:07:50,523
I've made enough to buy this watch.
143
00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:51,602
(Whistles)
144
00:07:51,647 --> 00:07:53,877
Anyway, I just popped in about the gloves.
145
00:07:53,927 --> 00:07:56,395
OK. Not so fast, Puff Daddy.
146
00:07:56,447 --> 00:07:59,917
Let me see the bling.
Da bling. Let me see da bling.
147
00:07:59,967 --> 00:08:01,525
Oh.
148
00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:04,684
What is this? In your spare time? Really?
149
00:08:04,727 --> 00:08:08,481
Listen, there's a meeting tonight. I would...
150
00:08:08,527 --> 00:08:10,563
- No, no.
- No, it's not your style.
151
00:08:10,607 --> 00:08:13,246
I've heard about that.
Bit dodgy. It's not for me.
152
00:08:13,287 --> 00:08:16,757
- Shall I just order these gloves then?
- Yes. They're fine.
153
00:08:16,807 --> 00:08:21,119
That's fine.
Rog... Sorry. Just out of curiosity...
154
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:26,359
- What time is the meeting?
- It's, uh... seven o'clock.
155
00:08:26,407 --> 00:08:28,762
OK. Not that I'm interested. It's not for me.
156
00:08:28,807 --> 00:08:30,559
- No.
- Cheers.
157
00:08:34,527 --> 00:08:37,166
Muriel! Is my lunch here?
158
00:08:37,207 --> 00:08:39,163
- Yes.
- Well, bring it in.
159
00:08:39,207 --> 00:08:42,085
I can't. Your light's not on.
160
00:08:44,087 --> 00:08:46,521
That's why it's safe to come in.
161
00:08:49,847 --> 00:08:51,678
Thanks for coming, Susan.
162
00:08:51,727 --> 00:08:55,037
I'm not here to support you.
I came here to get warm.
163
00:08:55,087 --> 00:08:58,443
- Why won't you wear a name tag?
- I know who I am.
164
00:08:58,487 --> 00:09:00,557
Ben! I've saved you some seats.
165
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:03,280
Just give it a chance. One chance.
166
00:09:03,327 --> 00:09:05,318
I think you're both going to be inspired.
167
00:09:05,367 --> 00:09:07,358
Who's playing the genie?
168
00:09:07,407 --> 00:09:10,717
- It's not a panto.
- I can still join in though?
169
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:15,716
- I can't believe you're buying into this.
- Darling, I can't even afford to buy milk.
170
00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:18,406
Susan, it's just one night of our life.
171
00:09:18,447 --> 00:09:22,565
But Pyramus? It does sound
awfully like pyramid selling.
172
00:09:22,607 --> 00:09:25,326
It's not... It's... Roger.
173
00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:29,201
You're educated people. Think about it.
174
00:09:29,247 --> 00:09:33,479
Would it be called Pyramus
if it were pyramid selling?
175
00:09:33,527 --> 00:09:37,361
Yeah. It does rather
draw attention to itself.
176
00:09:37,407 --> 00:09:40,126
He's behind you!
177
00:09:40,167 --> 00:09:42,078
He's just setting up the microphone.
178
00:09:42,127 --> 00:09:45,085
- Oh no, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
179
00:09:45,127 --> 00:09:47,846
Oh no, it isn't.
180
00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:51,118
(# Dramatic electronic)
181
00:09:51,167 --> 00:09:54,398
Who's ready to live the dream?
182
00:09:54,447 --> 00:09:56,324
(All) We are!
183
00:09:56,367 --> 00:09:58,562
Pyramus partners, salute!
184
00:09:59,887 --> 00:10:02,003
Dream!
185
00:10:03,647 --> 00:10:08,198
- Yup. This is so ridiculous.
- Pathetic.
186
00:10:08,247 --> 00:10:11,319
Who wants to live the dream?
187
00:10:11,367 --> 00:10:13,005
We do!
188
00:10:14,767 --> 00:10:16,325
Dream!
189
00:10:16,367 --> 00:10:18,085
(All) Yeah!
190
00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:24,680
Did you see the handbag that
one Pyramus ambassadress carried?
191
00:10:24,727 --> 00:10:30,245
I know for a fact
that bag costs over L1,000.
192
00:10:30,287 --> 00:10:32,403
Did you hear the project leader say,
193
00:10:32,447 --> 00:10:35,166
"Don't think of this as pet deodoriser.
194
00:10:35,207 --> 00:10:38,040
"Think about it
as a down payment on your dream."
195
00:10:38,087 --> 00:10:41,796
Oh, Susan.
Everybody's going to want this stuff.
196
00:10:41,847 --> 00:10:46,443
Do you know how long I've been looking
for a bleach that kills all known germs?
197
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,207
- And smells of Tuscany.
- Yes.
198
00:10:50,247 --> 00:10:53,239
Susan, I know we're doing this
to make a lot of money
199
00:10:53,287 --> 00:10:57,883
but I truly believe these products
are of the highest quality.
200
00:10:57,927 --> 00:10:59,645
And they're eco-friendly.
201
00:11:01,407 --> 00:11:04,399
Did I look sincere
when I said the high quality thing?
202
00:11:04,447 --> 00:11:06,961
Completely.
How about my eco-friendly thing?
203
00:11:07,007 --> 00:11:09,123
I almost wrote out a cheque.
204
00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:12,925
Oh, God, I can get that 32-footer after all.
205
00:11:12,967 --> 00:11:15,640
And I can send Kenzo to that private school.
206
00:11:15,687 --> 00:11:17,643
I can't believe I just said that.
207
00:11:17,687 --> 00:11:19,757
- I'm betraying all my principles.
- Susan.
208
00:11:19,807 --> 00:11:23,004
Principles are a wonderful thing
when you're poor.
209
00:11:23,047 --> 00:11:24,924
They're your comfort blanket.
210
00:11:24,967 --> 00:11:30,360
But now you can be warmed
by the duvet of envy-making wealth.
211
00:11:30,407 --> 00:11:33,877
I don't know what's right or wrong
any more. All I know is...
212
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:36,646
- I feel wonderful.
- Yeah. Me too.
213
00:11:36,687 --> 00:11:40,362
They pierced my suede jacket
with a name tag and I don't care.
214
00:11:41,287 --> 00:11:44,882
- Why doesn't everybody sell Pyramus?
- Because not everybody can.
215
00:11:44,927 --> 00:11:48,124
You know I love Roger and Abi
and I hate to say this but...
216
00:11:48,167 --> 00:11:50,317
They're not Pyramus people, are they?
217
00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:53,279
No, they're not.
I mean, it's nothing against them.
218
00:11:53,327 --> 00:11:56,842
It's a sparkle, it's a bounce in the walk.
219
00:11:56,887 --> 00:12:01,961
It's a little bounce. That's what you need.
We've got the Pyramus walk.
220
00:12:02,007 --> 00:12:04,885
- We have it naturally.
- Naturally, yeah.
221
00:12:04,927 --> 00:12:06,724
Did you hear Roger boasting
222
00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:10,646
about how Pyramus would help him
get that sports car he wanted?
223
00:12:10,687 --> 00:12:14,805
I mean, come on. It's one thing
to want a little financial cushion.
224
00:12:14,847 --> 00:12:16,883
Or an education for one's heirs
225
00:12:16,927 --> 00:12:19,487
or if a classic handbag came one's way.
226
00:12:19,527 --> 00:12:21,995
- Exactly.
- But one doesn't have to get greedy.
227
00:12:22,047 --> 00:12:25,596
It's so unbecoming.
It's unbecoming. That's what it is.
228
00:12:26,687 --> 00:12:29,281
God, I want that boat!
229
00:12:29,327 --> 00:12:32,603
Does Roger really think
he can move product like us?
230
00:12:32,647 --> 00:12:35,923
What, with Abi as the other half
of his sales team?
231
00:12:38,847 --> 00:12:41,759
- We shouldn't laugh.
- No, we shouldn't really.
232
00:12:43,727 --> 00:12:45,479
They've no charisma.
233
00:12:45,527 --> 00:12:47,518
- I shouldn't say it but...
- Go on.
234
00:12:48,527 --> 00:12:50,677
- We have charisma.
- I was going to say that.
235
00:12:50,727 --> 00:12:52,922
- You can't learn charisma.
- You can't.
236
00:12:52,967 --> 00:12:55,606
You're born with it. It's God-given.
237
00:12:55,647 --> 00:12:58,207
And God gave it to us.
We've got it. What have we got?
238
00:12:58,247 --> 00:13:00,317
- Charisma.
- Yep.
239
00:13:01,247 --> 00:13:05,240
- I feel sorry for them in a way.
- Remember what the group leader said?
240
00:13:05,287 --> 00:13:07,164
"Never feel sorry for people."
241
00:13:07,207 --> 00:13:10,995
No. You'd think I'd learn that
from all my years in dentistry.
242
00:13:13,847 --> 00:13:18,363
- Oh, God. We are going to be...
- (Both) So rich!
243
00:13:19,487 --> 00:13:21,443
Hee hee hee!
244
00:13:21,487 --> 00:13:26,003
Who knows? Maybe you won't
be a dentist that much longer.
245
00:13:26,047 --> 00:13:30,962
I'll keep my hand in. Hang up a dental sign
at whatever port we sail into.
246
00:13:31,007 --> 00:13:33,202
Shall I tell you what hooked me?
247
00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:34,566
Tell.
248
00:13:34,607 --> 00:13:37,679
All the famous people
who sold Pyramus.
249
00:13:37,727 --> 00:13:41,322
- Ah-ah...
- Sorry. "Matched up the product."
250
00:13:42,847 --> 00:13:45,759
Who'd believe Jilly Cooper
sold more anti-fungal ointment
251
00:13:45,807 --> 00:13:47,718
than anyone else in the British Isles?
252
00:13:47,767 --> 00:13:49,883
And she doesn't need the money.
253
00:13:49,927 --> 00:13:53,237
She believes in the product.
254
00:13:53,287 --> 00:13:55,676
- And Viscount Linley.
- Yes.
255
00:13:55,727 --> 00:13:59,959
Listen. We've only ordered 300 quid's
worth of this stuff. Will it be enough?
256
00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:01,998
- We can always order more.
- Yeah.
257
00:14:02,047 --> 00:14:03,366
Pyramus?
258
00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:06,439
Dream!
259
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,119
You must be kidding.
260
00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:13,604
- Michael, this is your inheritance.
- Prepare to dream big.
261
00:14:13,647 --> 00:14:18,004
- Nobody makes money selling this stuff.
- A certain Jilly Cooper might disagree.
262
00:14:18,047 --> 00:14:19,639
It's a cult.
263
00:14:19,687 --> 00:14:21,405
- Cult?
- Cult?
264
00:14:21,447 --> 00:14:24,962
Michael, hello? Do we look
like we've been taken in by a cult?
265
00:14:27,687 --> 00:14:31,157
You look like you've been taken
from behind. It's a scam.
266
00:14:31,207 --> 00:14:33,482
Just a pyramid scheme
with drain cleaner.
267
00:14:33,527 --> 00:14:35,961
I'll deal with this.
268
00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:39,401
Mikey, you're an educated man.
269
00:14:39,447 --> 00:14:42,166
Would they call it Pyramus
if it were pyramid selling?
270
00:14:42,207 --> 00:14:44,926
- Yes.
- They would?
271
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:48,801
Michael, we were going to enrol you
in the teenage sales force -
272
00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:51,361
the Pyra-mites - but well...
273
00:14:51,407 --> 00:14:54,877
I couldn't make it. I promised
to be the flower girl at a Moonie wedding.
274
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:59,364
Leave it, darling. It's fine.
Some people have a fear of success.
275
00:14:59,407 --> 00:15:03,286
- Here, Mikey. Free sample.
- It smells like haddock.
276
00:15:03,327 --> 00:15:04,999
It's shampoo.
277
00:15:05,047 --> 00:15:09,598
Oi, listen you. You are not
setting foot aboard The Salty Susan.
278
00:15:12,127 --> 00:15:17,565
Susan Harper... Are you ready
to kick open those doors of opportunity?
279
00:15:17,607 --> 00:15:20,167
- Let me put my hat on.
- OK. Me too.
280
00:15:22,007 --> 00:15:23,645
- Dream big.
- Can't hear you.
281
00:15:23,687 --> 00:15:26,326
- Dream big!
- Yes!
282
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:28,841
Dream!
283
00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:31,640
- Let's dream, baby!
- Kick open those doors!
284
00:15:31,687 --> 00:15:35,236
Let's kick open
those doors of opportunity!
285
00:15:35,287 --> 00:15:38,165
- Let's hear it for Pyramus.
- Yes!
286
00:15:43,847 --> 00:15:46,919
Maybe midnight's
not the best time to kick them open.
287
00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:50,755
We can do it in the morning.
We'll be quite breezy by then.
288
00:15:50,807 --> 00:15:54,482
- I'm going to have a bath.
- I'm going to make cocoa. Want some?
289
00:15:54,527 --> 00:15:57,485
Yeah. Well, a bath's
not gonna work actually, so...
290
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,326
Good morning.
291
00:16:02,367 --> 00:16:05,120
You'd better get used to this treatment.
292
00:16:05,167 --> 00:16:08,557
- You got up early.
- The early bird sells the floor wax.
293
00:16:08,607 --> 00:16:10,484
I made two sales this morning.
294
00:16:10,527 --> 00:16:12,119
- No?
- Oh, yeah.
295
00:16:12,167 --> 00:16:14,044
It's so easy.
296
00:16:14,087 --> 00:16:19,036
I used my high-quality technique
and your eco-friendly thing
297
00:16:19,087 --> 00:16:21,555
and Mrs Harcourt ate it up with a spoon.
298
00:16:22,847 --> 00:16:26,237
Oh, by the way... This is for you.
299
00:16:26,287 --> 00:16:29,006
Oh, Ben. The ambassadress's bag.
300
00:16:29,047 --> 00:16:33,086
- If that bag can have a bag, so can you.
- Can we afford it?
301
00:16:33,127 --> 00:16:37,279
We've got to spend some of this money
or the taxman will have us for breakfast.
302
00:16:37,327 --> 00:16:40,683
Speaking of breakfast, my darling,
have some champagne.
303
00:16:40,727 --> 00:16:42,160
Oh.
304
00:16:42,207 --> 00:16:47,201
- Yup. This is all rich people eat.
- That's what keeps them thin.
305
00:16:47,247 --> 00:16:50,045
You know, you're wittier now you're rich.
306
00:16:50,087 --> 00:16:51,839
Cheers.
307
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:54,720
The new boiler's in and she's a beauty.
308
00:16:54,767 --> 00:16:56,678
Whatever grabs you, Algy.
309
00:16:56,727 --> 00:17:00,561
By the way, that skin cream
you sold me cleared up my rash a treat.
310
00:17:00,607 --> 00:17:03,804
No, no. That's not skin cream.
That's tiling grout.
311
00:17:03,847 --> 00:17:08,238
I don't care. It did the job.
I'll just go and fire up your boiler.
312
00:17:08,287 --> 00:17:10,562
- You'll soon be as warm as toast.
- (Horn beeps)
313
00:17:10,607 --> 00:17:14,236
- (Engine revs)
- I hope to God that's not the boiler.
314
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:18,598
- It's some bloke in a brand-new convertible.
- (Horn beeps)
315
00:17:18,647 --> 00:17:20,080
It's Roger.
316
00:17:21,327 --> 00:17:24,285
Roger? In a car like that?
317
00:17:24,327 --> 00:17:27,637
- You don't think he got that from selling?
- Good God, no.
318
00:17:27,687 --> 00:17:31,475
Maybe enough for a down payment, but
we're not buying The Susan that way.
319
00:17:31,527 --> 00:17:34,087
Cash on the nail.
That's the Harper way.
320
00:17:34,127 --> 00:17:38,439
Oh... Hurrah for the open road.
321
00:17:38,487 --> 00:17:40,478
Oh, look. It's Mr Toad.
322
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:41,846
Hello.
323
00:17:42,887 --> 00:17:44,366
And Ratty.
324
00:17:45,367 --> 00:17:47,358
Nice car, Roger.
325
00:17:47,407 --> 00:17:51,559
Well, it gets you there.
Not a million miles to the gallon, but...
326
00:17:51,607 --> 00:17:55,566
- Yeah. Payments must be horrendous.
- Oh, I paid cash for it.
327
00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:57,438
(Sucks in breath rapidly)
328
00:17:57,487 --> 00:17:58,806
Cash?
329
00:17:58,847 --> 00:18:01,725
A little present.
Thought you might like a spin.
330
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:04,486
Not now. I've got to see my boat dealer.
331
00:18:04,527 --> 00:18:08,236
Yeah. I'm ordering some whale foreskin
for me bar stools.
332
00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:10,721
My nan's got a sofa like that.
333
00:18:12,127 --> 00:18:14,118
Thanks for the ride, Roger.
334
00:18:18,367 --> 00:18:21,564
Roger, you got that car very quickly.
335
00:18:21,607 --> 00:18:24,167
You haven't been selling
much longer than us.
336
00:18:24,207 --> 00:18:27,961
- Well, it's a miraculous thing...
- I'm ordering more product.
337
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:31,283
- No. You see, my aunt...
- We're selling to family too.
338
00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:34,478
- People we haven't seen in years.
- Can't keep up with demand.
339
00:18:34,527 --> 00:18:37,837
- I'm delighted to hear it. Good luck.
- Don't need it.
340
00:18:37,887 --> 00:18:39,525
- We have charisma.
- In buckets.
341
00:18:39,567 --> 00:18:43,845
- So how about that spin?
- We don't want our champagne to go flat.
342
00:18:43,887 --> 00:18:48,244
Shame. It goes
from zero to 60 in 5.8 seconds.
343
00:18:48,287 --> 00:18:51,802
Good God, no?
You'd better show us how. Come on!
344
00:18:53,807 --> 00:18:56,765
I don't see how Roger moved
enough product to get that car.
345
00:18:56,807 --> 00:18:59,116
It's like being outsold by a gibbon.
346
00:18:59,167 --> 00:19:04,480
He's not missing work. I know he's in
his surgery. I hear his patients screaming.
347
00:19:04,527 --> 00:19:07,837
There's only one thing to do.
I'm doubling our order.
348
00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:11,038
- Doubling?
- Tripling. No. Quadrupling.
349
00:19:11,087 --> 00:19:15,126
Good God, woman.
You are so sexy when you're greedy.
350
00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:21,159
Look at Michelmas Hall.
351
00:19:21,207 --> 00:19:24,404
They've got those dwarf ponies
and the short mallets.
352
00:19:24,447 --> 00:19:26,244
But, look, the uniform's purple.
353
00:19:26,287 --> 00:19:29,438
I'll build them a new library
and they'll change it.
354
00:19:29,487 --> 00:19:31,478
(Crashing)
355
00:19:35,127 --> 00:19:37,118
It's all right. Everything's fine.
356
00:19:37,167 --> 00:19:42,082
It's all right. What choice did I have
after I'd filled the garage?
357
00:19:42,127 --> 00:19:45,244
- Where's the sofa?
- It's in the front garden.
358
00:19:45,287 --> 00:19:48,484
Don't worry. All this will be sold
by the time it rains.
359
00:19:48,527 --> 00:19:50,085
Of course.
360
00:19:52,247 --> 00:19:55,876
- What were you doing, Suzy Harper?
- I was doubting.
361
00:19:55,927 --> 00:19:58,043
- You were what?
- I was doubting.
362
00:19:58,087 --> 00:19:59,998
Doubting? Thoughts of doubt...
363
00:20:00,047 --> 00:20:01,526
Kick them out!
364
00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:06,163
That's better. And may I be
the first to congratulate you?
365
00:20:07,167 --> 00:20:08,805
(Hums a fanfare)
366
00:20:08,847 --> 00:20:11,839
Madam Ambassadress.
367
00:20:13,567 --> 00:20:15,000
Ben.
368
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,561
That is Pyramus titanium.
369
00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:20,565
Oh, yes. Really. 11% metal.
370
00:20:20,607 --> 00:20:22,438
Dream big!
371
00:20:24,127 --> 00:20:26,004
Dream! Hah!
372
00:20:26,047 --> 00:20:28,845
Oh-ho! Cult, eh?
373
00:20:28,887 --> 00:20:33,165
You didn't tell me there were badges.
Is that how you recognise the other idiots?
374
00:20:33,207 --> 00:20:35,926
You could be a little more supportive.
375
00:20:35,967 --> 00:20:39,164
I just don't want to see you guys
getting hurt... or arrested.
376
00:20:39,207 --> 00:20:41,357
- Did you hear that, Ben?
- Hurt!
377
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:45,241
Hurt? Listen, Michael, I've written
something down for you.
378
00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:47,084
I'd like you to read it.
379
00:20:48,487 --> 00:20:50,523
You've written L1 million
on a bit of paper.
380
00:20:50,567 --> 00:20:53,525
Yes. That's what we intend to make.
Now how do you feel?
381
00:20:53,567 --> 00:20:55,285
Check and mate.
382
00:20:55,327 --> 00:20:58,364
So far you've only sold
to friends and relatives, right?
383
00:20:58,407 --> 00:20:59,965
- No.
- Right?
384
00:21:00,007 --> 00:21:02,885
- Yes.
- What is your point?
385
00:21:02,927 --> 00:21:08,285
My point is there's gonna come a time, maybe
not today, certainly in the next 32-36 hours,
386
00:21:08,327 --> 00:21:10,318
when you'll reach saturation point.
387
00:21:10,367 --> 00:21:14,519
Finally! Finally,
a little confidence in us.
388
00:21:14,567 --> 00:21:17,035
- Dad, it's a bad thing.
- Point taken.
389
00:21:17,087 --> 00:21:20,397
And may I counter
your argument with this?
390
00:21:21,407 --> 00:21:25,923
Fine. Just don't come grovelling to me
when the walls come tumbling down.
391
00:21:25,967 --> 00:21:29,039
- God. It's negativity. Negativity.
- I know.
392
00:21:29,087 --> 00:21:33,000
It's teenagers.
They're completely negative...
393
00:21:33,047 --> 00:21:35,003
I just remembered.
394
00:21:35,047 --> 00:21:37,117
It wasn't a whale's foreskin sofa.
395
00:21:37,167 --> 00:21:39,556
It was a four-seat sofa from Wales.
396
00:21:48,527 --> 00:21:51,041
Ah... Ow.
397
00:21:54,127 --> 00:21:55,845
One sale.
398
00:21:56,847 --> 00:22:00,556
An entire day and one lousy sale.
399
00:22:03,327 --> 00:22:06,319
I had to buy something.
You looked so defeated.
400
00:22:07,407 --> 00:22:10,365
That one man wanted to buy our medals.
401
00:22:10,407 --> 00:22:14,719
If that dog hadn't bitten you, I'm certain
that woman would've had the oven gloves.
402
00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:17,565
Oh, screw Pyramus! It's all your fault.
403
00:22:17,607 --> 00:22:21,725
- My fault? Why is it my fault?
- You told me to quadruple the order.
404
00:22:21,767 --> 00:22:23,962
Who saw Roger's watch and tore our lives apart?
405
00:22:24,007 --> 00:22:28,080
Who betrayed their principles so Kenzo
could wear a top hat at school?
406
00:22:28,127 --> 00:22:32,757
- You would have killed us in that boat.
- So that's it? You're abandoning ship?
407
00:22:32,807 --> 00:22:34,240
Yo-ho-ho! Yes!
408
00:22:34,287 --> 00:22:37,643
Right. What if Jilly Cooper
had given up?
409
00:22:37,687 --> 00:22:40,520
She had her novels.
You haven't been to the surgery in days.
410
00:22:40,567 --> 00:22:43,320
Because I've been trying to sell this crap!
411
00:22:43,367 --> 00:22:47,724
- It wasn't crap for Viscount Linley.
- And he's just fringe royalty.
412
00:22:47,767 --> 00:22:50,042
Throw that in my face, why don't you?
413
00:22:50,087 --> 00:22:53,921
- What's up with your leg, Dad?
- It's fine. Everything's fine. Fine.
414
00:22:58,207 --> 00:23:02,644
Michael... Sorry. Michael,
are you sure this is going to work?
415
00:23:02,687 --> 00:23:04,962
Where's my cheque, Mr Ambassador?
416
00:23:05,007 --> 00:23:08,363
- Yes. Right. Here.
- It'll work.
417
00:23:08,407 --> 00:23:12,366
You're in trouble because everybody that
was going to buy something has bought it.
418
00:23:12,407 --> 00:23:15,922
Now it's about pulling in more idiots
like you. No offence.
419
00:23:15,967 --> 00:23:17,639
None taken.
420
00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:20,247
They buy the stock from you
and sell it on,
421
00:23:20,287 --> 00:23:22,198
you take a commission and soon...
422
00:23:22,247 --> 00:23:24,966
They end up drowning
in the same toilet as we are.
423
00:23:25,007 --> 00:23:27,157
- Exactly.
- Good. I like that.
424
00:23:27,207 --> 00:23:30,802
Right. Good. So where did you find
all these prospective clients?
425
00:23:30,847 --> 00:23:33,680
I used the "Internet".
426
00:23:33,727 --> 00:23:37,037
I don't understand.
What am I doing here?
427
00:23:37,087 --> 00:23:38,520
Adding glamour.
428
00:23:38,567 --> 00:23:40,717
- Ahem!
- Extra glamour, I mean.
429
00:23:40,767 --> 00:23:45,079
- (Doorbell rings)
- Customers beating a path to our door.
430
00:23:45,127 --> 00:23:48,164
- Am I sweating?
- Yes, but it's an optimistic sweat.
431
00:23:49,807 --> 00:23:53,482
- We too late for the grub?
- No, no. You're the first.
432
00:23:53,527 --> 00:23:57,076
Where are our manners? Come in.
I'm Ben, this is Susan.
433
00:23:57,127 --> 00:23:59,118
We're the Powells. Where's your bog?
434
00:23:59,167 --> 00:24:01,635
She's got a bladder
the size of my thumb.
435
00:24:01,687 --> 00:24:04,884
That paints a picture.
Straight through there.
436
00:24:09,967 --> 00:24:13,403
There's so many people. I'm nervous.
What am I going to do?
437
00:24:13,447 --> 00:24:17,486
- Just believe in yourself.
- But I don't. What am I going to do?
438
00:24:17,527 --> 00:24:21,725
Ben, you're a dentist.
You've saved countless mouths.
439
00:24:21,767 --> 00:24:22,995
You're right.
440
00:24:24,447 --> 00:24:27,598
Who's ready to live the dream?
441
00:24:27,647 --> 00:24:30,081
What time's Jilly Cooper getting here?
442
00:24:30,127 --> 00:24:32,846
May I have all your attention, please?
443
00:24:32,887 --> 00:24:35,685
Will I have time for the toilet
before the wife swapping?
444
00:24:35,727 --> 00:24:38,446
I told you, no liquids after four.
445
00:24:38,487 --> 00:24:41,843
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen...
for coming.
446
00:24:41,887 --> 00:24:46,244
Um... I'm about to turn your lives around.
447
00:24:46,287 --> 00:24:50,997
This may not be what you're expecting,
but maybe you're expecting too little.
448
00:24:51,047 --> 00:24:53,242
Who's ready to live the dream?
449
00:24:53,287 --> 00:24:54,925
We are!
450
00:24:55,927 --> 00:24:57,246
Yes!
451
00:24:58,807 --> 00:25:01,685
There are thousands of ways
to lose an opportunity,
452
00:25:01,727 --> 00:25:05,561
- but only one way to grab it.
- This is pyramid selling, isn't it?
453
00:25:07,967 --> 00:25:10,117
Oh, you're an intell...
454
00:25:10,167 --> 00:25:15,036
You're an intelligent man. Would they
call it Pyramus if it were pyramid selling?
455
00:25:15,087 --> 00:25:18,875
I've tried these products
and they're great. How many can I order?
456
00:25:18,927 --> 00:25:21,839
Depends on how rich you want to be.
457
00:25:21,887 --> 00:25:27,484
Who hasn't dreamed of owning
an in-car Pyramus pizza oven?
458
00:25:27,527 --> 00:25:31,361
(Slurred) My name is Bernard
and I am an alcoholic.
459
00:25:31,407 --> 00:25:35,844
That's very good, Bernard. That's lovely.
But it's not that kind of meeting.
460
00:25:35,887 --> 00:25:39,118
Oh. Let's have a drink then!
461
00:25:39,167 --> 00:25:41,362
Oh, very good. Humour.
462
00:25:41,407 --> 00:25:44,080
It's the biggest selling tool we can have.
463
00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:47,005
I have humour.
I'll take three dozen pizza ovens.
464
00:25:47,047 --> 00:25:49,402
Who wouldn't want
to eat pizza and drive?
465
00:25:49,447 --> 00:25:51,756
Yeah. Pizza ovens are H-O-T. Hot.
466
00:25:51,807 --> 00:25:53,923
H-O-T. Hot. That's what they are.
467
00:25:53,967 --> 00:25:56,640
Of course,
every Pyramus product comes...
468
00:25:56,687 --> 00:25:58,837
What time's Jilly Cooper getting here?
469
00:25:58,887 --> 00:26:01,162
I've only come here to swap my wife.
470
00:26:01,207 --> 00:26:05,485
- I've wet me pants.
- She can do that on demand, you know?
471
00:26:05,527 --> 00:26:09,156
And her incontinence won't be a problem
with Pyramus adult nappies.
472
00:26:09,207 --> 00:26:11,801
For the Pyra-Miss and the Pyra-Mister.
473
00:26:11,847 --> 00:26:13,963
And they're disposable.
474
00:26:14,007 --> 00:26:15,838
Let's have a drink!
475
00:26:17,527 --> 00:26:20,837
- I've brought my book to get signed.
- Shut up about Jilly Cooper!
476
00:26:20,887 --> 00:26:24,402
- Sorry. Susan, I'm losing them.
- Say the eco-friendly thing.
477
00:26:24,447 --> 00:26:27,484
Yes. And for
the planet-conscious amongst you...
478
00:26:27,527 --> 00:26:31,486
- Hello. What's all this?
- Ooh, we having a party?
479
00:26:31,527 --> 00:26:33,358
Roger. Roger, thank God.
480
00:26:33,407 --> 00:26:37,400
Please, ladies and gentlemen, can I draw
your attention to this man here?
481
00:26:37,447 --> 00:26:41,679
This man is living proof
that Pyramus actually works.
482
00:26:41,727 --> 00:26:45,925
This man, up until now, was a humble
and semi-competent dentist,
483
00:26:45,967 --> 00:26:48,401
but after two days - yes, two days -
484
00:26:48,447 --> 00:26:52,122
he was able to purchase
a top-of-the-range sports car.
485
00:26:52,167 --> 00:26:54,965
- What car do you own, Roger?
- It's a Porsche.
486
00:26:55,007 --> 00:26:58,397
A Porsche. Ladies and gentlemen,
did you hear that? A Porsche.
487
00:26:58,447 --> 00:27:01,166
And how much
did that car cost you, Roger?
488
00:27:01,207 --> 00:27:02,720
L30,000.
489
00:27:02,767 --> 00:27:06,965
Yes. L30,000. And how
did you get that money, stranger?
490
00:27:07,967 --> 00:27:10,356
- Ben, I need to...
- Tell them, Roger.
491
00:27:10,407 --> 00:27:13,285
- Ben...
- Damn it, Roger! Tell them the truth.
492
00:27:13,327 --> 00:27:16,080
My aunt died and left me the money.
493
00:27:29,607 --> 00:27:33,646
Roger tried to tell us
where the car came from.
494
00:27:33,687 --> 00:27:35,962
We had too much gold fever to listen.
495
00:27:36,007 --> 00:27:39,966
I know. It was Pyramus money
for the watch.
496
00:27:41,527 --> 00:27:44,519
I just assumed
it was the same source for the car.
497
00:27:45,727 --> 00:27:50,118
Greed. You spend your life assuming
you've none of the deadly sins,
498
00:27:50,167 --> 00:27:52,840
then fate gives you a slap in the face.
499
00:27:52,887 --> 00:27:55,765
You really thought
you had none of the deadly sins?
500
00:27:56,767 --> 00:27:58,803
Name another deadly sin I have.
501
00:27:58,847 --> 00:28:01,486
- Gluttony, lust...
- All right, all right.
502
00:28:03,447 --> 00:28:05,802
Not that I mind the lust all that much.
503
00:28:07,847 --> 00:28:11,635
How about trying to get Kenzo
into that posh school? Isn't that vanity?
504
00:28:11,687 --> 00:28:15,475
- That's not vanity.
- It is when it's just for the uniform.
505
00:28:17,487 --> 00:28:20,240
Michael's brilliant idea
didn't really work.
506
00:28:20,287 --> 00:28:24,166
Brilliant idea? The idea
about the party was stupid.
507
00:28:24,207 --> 00:28:27,756
Huh. Mind you, his idea to sue
the owner of the dog that bit me
508
00:28:27,807 --> 00:28:29,798
might cover some of our losses.
509
00:28:33,687 --> 00:28:36,155
God, it's cold.
510
00:28:36,207 --> 00:28:39,597
Who would have thought
Pyramus made boilers?
511
00:28:44,207 --> 00:28:46,004
(Ben) There goes my dream.
512
00:28:47,007 --> 00:28:50,158
The Salty Susan... up in smoke.
513
00:28:51,647 --> 00:28:54,081
Burns better than the adult nappies.
42191
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