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1
00:00:17,807 --> 00:00:20,480
(Susan, seductively) Oh... yes...
2
00:00:22,047 --> 00:00:24,242
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
3
00:00:27,007 --> 00:00:28,486
Oh, yes.
4
00:00:29,967 --> 00:00:31,719
Oh, yes.
5
00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:34,725
Shouldn't you be reading that
in your own room?
6
00:00:34,767 --> 00:00:37,884
- It's a self-help book.
- That's what I was afraid of.
7
00:00:38,887 --> 00:00:40,923
You wouldn't understand.
8
00:00:40,967 --> 00:00:44,755
Over and over again
he puts his finger right on it.
9
00:00:44,807 --> 00:00:46,718
And wipe that smirk off your face.
10
00:00:46,767 --> 00:00:48,598
You know that's not what I mean.
11
00:00:48,647 --> 00:00:51,684
Sorry. What is this masterpiece?
12
00:00:51,727 --> 00:00:54,799
- Shut Up And Be Happy.
- Too late. I'm married.
13
00:00:55,807 --> 00:00:59,243
You know who reads
this self-help crap, don't you?
14
00:00:59,287 --> 00:01:03,121
Gullible, middle-aged housewives
whose children have flown the nest
15
00:01:03,167 --> 00:01:06,318
with nothing better to do than sit around...
16
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,642
Your hair looks really lovely.
17
00:01:08,687 --> 00:01:12,282
For your information,
Dr Buck has changed my life.
18
00:01:12,327 --> 00:01:14,079
I thought I'd changed your life.
19
00:01:14,127 --> 00:01:16,118
He changed it for the better.
20
00:01:17,127 --> 00:01:20,403
Until I read this I had no idea
what a people pleaser I was.
21
00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:23,120
Really? Name one person
you've ever pleased.
22
00:01:23,167 --> 00:01:26,523
I'm behind my protective shield of detachment.
23
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,922
I could have done
with one of those at work.
24
00:01:28,967 --> 00:01:31,003
My patients have gone so downmarket
25
00:01:31,047 --> 00:01:35,165
my waiting room looks like an audience
from Trisha.
26
00:01:35,207 --> 00:01:38,961
Maybe you should give up dentistry
and start doing tattoos.
27
00:01:39,007 --> 00:01:41,237
It's not funny. God, I need a drink.
28
00:01:41,287 --> 00:01:45,075
Ben, Dr Buck says,
"happiness is a decision."
29
00:01:45,127 --> 00:01:47,516
Good. I'm going to get plastered.
30
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:51,401
"Control alcohol or alcohol will control you."
31
00:01:51,447 --> 00:01:53,438
Just a small one for me, darling.
32
00:01:53,487 --> 00:01:55,318
Not quite that small.
33
00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:57,881
Bit more... Bit more...
34
00:01:58,887 --> 00:02:00,525
When.
35
00:02:05,607 --> 00:02:07,006
Mm.
36
00:02:07,047 --> 00:02:09,083
You should give it a chance, Ben.
37
00:02:09,127 --> 00:02:12,881
Dr Buck is a genius.
He helped me find my bliss spot.
38
00:02:16,327 --> 00:02:17,840
Your what?
39
00:02:17,887 --> 00:02:21,516
That special place I go to
when I get tense or stressed out.
40
00:02:21,567 --> 00:02:25,446
I've got one of those.
You have to flush it, but it works for me.
41
00:02:25,487 --> 00:02:27,876
Don't be in there when Dr Buck gets here.
42
00:02:27,927 --> 00:02:29,645
What do you mean, here?
43
00:02:29,687 --> 00:02:33,202
He's on a book club tour
and he always stays at a member's home.
44
00:02:33,247 --> 00:02:35,715
It's his way of connecting with the public.
45
00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:38,679
And saving himself
a hundred quid a night in a hotel.
46
00:02:38,727 --> 00:02:41,082
Keep talking and you'll be in one.
47
00:02:41,127 --> 00:02:44,119
- Mum, I need sandwiches for tomorrow.
- What would you like?
48
00:02:44,167 --> 00:02:48,797
Some money to buy sandwiches.
We're off to the Natural History Museum.
49
00:02:48,847 --> 00:02:51,725
I'll give your regards to the other old fossils.
50
00:02:51,767 --> 00:02:54,759
I said stop at two, but you wouldn't listen.
51
00:02:54,807 --> 00:02:58,686
Don't blame me, Mr "There won't be
a chemist open at this time of night."
52
00:03:01,087 --> 00:03:04,397
I've got your morning post, Mr Harper.
53
00:03:06,247 --> 00:03:10,684
Morning post? It's six o'clock
in the evening. Thank you, Alfie.
54
00:03:10,727 --> 00:03:13,161
Yeah. Well, um...
55
00:03:13,207 --> 00:03:18,440
I started drinking coffee today
for the first time in my life...
56
00:03:18,487 --> 00:03:21,684
and it's made me a bit hyper.
57
00:03:23,647 --> 00:03:26,002
I picked the post up this morning
58
00:03:26,047 --> 00:03:30,086
but I've had such a buzz
I haven't stopped walking till now.
59
00:03:31,087 --> 00:03:34,284
Oh... Here I go again.
60
00:03:39,607 --> 00:03:42,280
Who was that blur?
61
00:03:42,327 --> 00:03:45,797
Michael, you don't sound excited
about going to the museum.
62
00:03:45,847 --> 00:03:47,166
I'm sick of it.
63
00:03:47,207 --> 00:03:50,995
Velociraptors and stegosaurases
with crustaceous coelacanths?
64
00:03:51,047 --> 00:03:53,481
It's like a lame palaeontological joke.
65
00:03:54,527 --> 00:03:57,121
The only word I heard there was "joke".
66
00:03:57,167 --> 00:03:59,078
I don't believe this.
67
00:03:59,127 --> 00:04:02,199
Dunster Park Country Club
have turned me down.
68
00:04:02,247 --> 00:04:05,000
I'm sorry, darling.
How was the interview?
69
00:04:05,047 --> 00:04:08,642
- Fine. I just tried to be myself.
- I warned you against that.
70
00:04:08,687 --> 00:04:12,805
What would I know? I'm just a gullible,
middle-aged housewife with nice hair.
71
00:04:12,847 --> 00:04:14,997
Dunster Park was very important to me.
72
00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:18,357
This is a chance
to meet classy, influential people.
73
00:04:18,407 --> 00:04:23,083
After an afternoon with my hand
in someone's rancid gob, I envy a vet -
74
00:04:23,127 --> 00:04:26,199
all he has to do
is stick his arm up a cow's arse.
75
00:04:27,287 --> 00:04:30,757
Are you ready to mix
with classy, influential people?
76
00:04:35,767 --> 00:04:39,521
So, um... How did you break your tooth?
77
00:04:39,567 --> 00:04:43,355
My helicopter pilot
made a... hard landing.
78
00:04:43,407 --> 00:04:46,160
Oh. You've got a helicopter, have you?
79
00:04:46,207 --> 00:04:49,643
- How did you hear about me?
- You were nearest to the crash site.
80
00:04:50,527 --> 00:04:53,087
Yeah. Well, that's better than a referral.
81
00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:55,436
Please take a seat. Take a seat.
82
00:04:55,487 --> 00:04:56,966
Oh, excuse me.
83
00:05:00,687 --> 00:05:04,362
Sorry about this.
My last patient bred ferrets.
84
00:05:08,727 --> 00:05:10,922
You know, Hoxton-Jones.
85
00:05:10,967 --> 00:05:16,485
It's always been an ambition of mine
to take care of the upper set's upper set.
86
00:05:16,527 --> 00:05:20,918
Very good. Very good.
I won't need anaesthetic with jokes like that.
87
00:05:23,007 --> 00:05:26,204
You know, I always wanted
a man of calibre in my chair.
88
00:05:26,247 --> 00:05:31,037
I don't want to be a snob or anything
but there are two sets of rules.
89
00:05:31,087 --> 00:05:33,647
Between the haves and the have-nots?
90
00:05:33,687 --> 00:05:38,158
Do you know what? I got turned down
by a country club yesterday.
91
00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:39,959
- No?
- Yeah. I did.
92
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:43,238
Banks are no better.
The price of these instruments.
93
00:05:43,287 --> 00:05:46,643
I have to make do with these.
Bent, old, rusty.
94
00:05:46,687 --> 00:05:48,405
Open wide.
95
00:05:49,287 --> 00:05:51,517
Oh, yup. We'll solve that.
96
00:05:52,527 --> 00:05:54,995
- Yup. It's just not fair.
- I agree.
97
00:05:55,047 --> 00:05:57,083
- You do?
- Mm. Absolutely.
98
00:05:57,127 --> 00:06:02,565
Hard-working... professional man
like yourself deserves more of a break.
99
00:06:02,607 --> 00:06:06,646
Your helicopter crash is the best thing
that's happened to me in weeks.
100
00:06:06,687 --> 00:06:08,598
When you get on a plane,
101
00:06:08,647 --> 00:06:11,559
you want to go into First Class
instead of with the cattle.
102
00:06:11,607 --> 00:06:13,802
You'd better keep talking while you can.
103
00:06:13,847 --> 00:06:17,078
You want to get theatre tickets
when the show is sold out.
104
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:18,685
Yes.
105
00:06:18,727 --> 00:06:21,560
Yes, I... But how?
106
00:06:21,607 --> 00:06:24,360
Well, there are ways.
107
00:06:24,407 --> 00:06:26,477
See this ring?
108
00:06:26,527 --> 00:06:28,882
It can open doors.
109
00:06:28,927 --> 00:06:31,600
Haven't I seen that on Star Trek?
110
00:06:32,727 --> 00:06:36,322
It's a symbol of a special organisation
I belong to.
111
00:06:36,367 --> 00:06:38,358
A "fraternity", if you like.
112
00:06:40,327 --> 00:06:42,966
- Like the Freemasons?
- Good Lord, no.
113
00:06:43,007 --> 00:06:47,319
Bunch of well-meaning do-gooders.
All that charity work? I should co-co.
114
00:06:47,367 --> 00:06:51,326
No. We're in it for ourselves.
115
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:54,962
You want all the perks?
You have to know the right people.
116
00:06:55,007 --> 00:06:58,317
Our society is composed of all the right people.
117
00:06:58,967 --> 00:07:01,083
It's completely secret, of course.
118
00:07:01,127 --> 00:07:03,846
Known only to a privileged few.
119
00:07:03,887 --> 00:07:05,286
It's called...
120
00:07:07,167 --> 00:07:09,886
It's all right.
The fish won't breathe a word.
121
00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:14,323
It's called the Brotherhood of the Cockerel.
122
00:07:17,087 --> 00:07:19,078
Brotherhood of the Cockerel?
123
00:07:19,127 --> 00:07:22,278
We're always on the lookout
for dynamic new members.
124
00:07:22,327 --> 00:07:25,285
As it happens, I think you'd fit right in.
125
00:07:26,287 --> 00:07:31,486
As chance would have it,
we have an opening in our roost.
126
00:07:31,527 --> 00:07:33,040
Interested?
127
00:07:33,087 --> 00:07:37,205
- Oh, I should co... I should say so.
- It's not cut and dried.
128
00:07:37,247 --> 00:07:40,637
There's a complicated initiation ritual
you have to pass.
129
00:07:41,447 --> 00:07:45,201
- When would I get the door-opening ring?
- Oh, not straightaway.
130
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:49,399
In the Brotherhood of the Cockerel
you start as a hatchling, then a chick,
131
00:07:49,447 --> 00:07:51,677
eventually you progress to bantam.
132
00:07:54,047 --> 00:07:57,198
Then, one day, like me,
you become the big cock.
133
00:08:00,727 --> 00:08:04,197
There's something about that
that sounds so right.
134
00:08:10,167 --> 00:08:13,000
Hello, my English rose.
135
00:08:13,047 --> 00:08:16,881
Hello, my Welsh rarebit.
136
00:08:19,407 --> 00:08:23,286
I, er... I brought you Lord Of The Rings on DVD.
137
00:08:23,327 --> 00:08:26,319
Ooh. The extended version.
138
00:08:26,367 --> 00:08:28,323
I thought you'd enjoy the extra footage.
139
00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:29,880
I love those gnomes.
140
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:35,081
Abi, I keep telling you,
they're not gnomes, they're elves.
141
00:08:35,127 --> 00:08:36,924
That's why they speak Elvish.
142
00:08:36,967 --> 00:08:39,640
Must be nice to have another language.
143
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:42,997
Well, I've got a second tongue.
144
00:08:43,047 --> 00:08:47,165
Ooh. You've been keeping that one quiet.
145
00:08:48,167 --> 00:08:50,522
(Speaks Welsh)
146
00:08:50,567 --> 00:08:54,685
- Oh, my God. Was that Elvish?
- No, no. It's Welsh.
147
00:08:55,687 --> 00:09:00,681
I don't care what it is.
Just say it again and say it... longer.
148
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:17,047
Was there... anything else?
149
00:09:17,087 --> 00:09:20,557
Yes... Actually, there was.
150
00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:23,683
Just say it, Roger.
151
00:09:24,687 --> 00:09:26,166
Just say it!
152
00:09:28,167 --> 00:09:30,965
Have you finished with my copy
of The Phantom Menace?
153
00:09:32,727 --> 00:09:34,524
Come up and get it.
154
00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:40,926
Oh, Ben. He'll be here any minute.
155
00:09:41,927 --> 00:09:43,918
I'm so nervous.
156
00:09:43,967 --> 00:09:47,482
I shouldn't be really. Dr Buck says...
157
00:09:47,527 --> 00:09:50,758
"If you're nervous of someone,
imagine them in their underwear."
158
00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:53,037
But with Dr Buck that makes it worse.
159
00:09:53,087 --> 00:09:55,203
Imagine him in your underwear then.
160
00:09:58,327 --> 00:10:00,318
That'll do.
161
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:03,120
- What's that?
- Wouldn't you like to know?
162
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:06,284
I'm not going to tell you
because I'm sworn to secrecy.
163
00:10:06,327 --> 00:10:08,079
- Fine.
- I've got a candle...
164
00:10:08,127 --> 00:10:10,641
a bottle of oil and a length of rope.
165
00:10:10,687 --> 00:10:13,201
- We're having one of those nights?
- Yeah...
166
00:10:13,247 --> 00:10:17,479
No, no, no.
This is my initiation gear. Yes.
167
00:10:17,527 --> 00:10:19,085
Susan...
168
00:10:19,127 --> 00:10:24,281
I'm going to join a very exclusive
and secret society called...
169
00:10:24,327 --> 00:10:26,318
the Brotherhood of the Cockerel.
170
00:10:28,487 --> 00:10:31,240
Don't you even dare.
You're allowed one titter.
171
00:10:31,287 --> 00:10:34,916
Yes, go on. Laugh away, bliss girl.
172
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,481
But this is the break I've been looking for.
173
00:10:37,527 --> 00:10:40,041
- (Doorbell)
- That's Dr Buck.
174
00:10:40,087 --> 00:10:42,237
- How do I look?
- Blissful.
175
00:10:42,287 --> 00:10:44,642
- Open the door.
- You're the one into self-help.
176
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:46,564
- Ben!
- OK. I'm going.
177
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:54,116
- Buck Bukowski.
- Buck Bukowski to you too.
178
00:10:54,167 --> 00:10:58,399
You must be Ben. Thank you for making
me welcome in your wonderful home.
179
00:10:58,447 --> 00:11:01,200
You haven't seen it yet. Come in.
180
00:11:02,087 --> 00:11:04,885
Susan! Your date's here.
181
00:11:04,927 --> 00:11:09,762
Susan Harper. These are for you.
182
00:11:09,807 --> 00:11:11,320
l-I...
183
00:11:11,367 --> 00:11:14,325
I've read all your...
184
00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:16,085
Each chapter is like...
185
00:11:16,127 --> 00:11:18,641
My life has been completely...
186
00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:21,280
And, well, um...
187
00:11:21,327 --> 00:11:25,286
I mean... And to think
that you're here in my very own...
188
00:11:30,087 --> 00:11:32,078
I've waited a long time to say that.
189
00:11:32,127 --> 00:11:35,244
But if you missed any,
it's all available on Ceefax.
190
00:11:37,327 --> 00:11:41,878
Susan, all I've ever wanted to do
is to help regular folks like you
191
00:11:41,927 --> 00:11:44,361
navigate life's fault lines.
192
00:11:44,407 --> 00:11:47,444
Like I say in the book,
"Why be down and wear a frown..."
193
00:11:47,487 --> 00:11:49,364
"...while all the while you can wear a smile?"
194
00:11:49,407 --> 00:11:51,716
Oh, if only Gandhi had thought of that.
195
00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:57,283
- What you got there, Benny?
- Can't say, Bucky. Highly confidential.
196
00:11:57,327 --> 00:11:59,841
Ben's joining a secret society.
197
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:02,959
It's called the Brotherhood of the Cockerel.
198
00:12:03,007 --> 00:12:07,080
Right, Susan. Just for that,
I'm going to tell Mrs Trubshawe
199
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:10,199
what you did with her jam tarts.
She threw them away.
200
00:12:10,247 --> 00:12:13,080
Ben, I'm not doing that judgmental thing
201
00:12:13,127 --> 00:12:16,199
but secret societies are a kind of safe haven
202
00:12:16,247 --> 00:12:19,478
for the insecure and weak-minded,
don't you think?
203
00:12:19,527 --> 00:12:21,358
He has to have somewhere to go.
204
00:12:22,847 --> 00:12:24,917
Oh, thought bubble, Ben.
205
00:12:24,967 --> 00:12:28,755
Don't look for the answer in others,
look for the answer within.
206
00:12:28,807 --> 00:12:31,037
What does the inner Ben want to say?
207
00:12:31,087 --> 00:12:33,840
- The inner Ben wants to tell you to go...
- Ben.
208
00:12:35,327 --> 00:12:38,444
It's all right, Susan.
We're both alpha males.
209
00:12:38,487 --> 00:12:41,001
I love this Ben-me thing. Grrr!
210
00:12:41,047 --> 00:12:42,366
Grrr!
211
00:12:42,407 --> 00:12:45,717
You've just defused all the tension brilliantly.
212
00:12:45,767 --> 00:12:47,644
Not all the tension.
213
00:12:47,687 --> 00:12:49,564
I'm going to check on the roast.
214
00:12:49,607 --> 00:12:52,326
Leave it to the smoke detector.
You usually do.
215
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:57,485
- Missing you already.
- Oh... I'll be right back.
216
00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:59,358
If you don't, I'll come looking for you.
217
00:13:02,927 --> 00:13:05,760
- Ben...
- Yes?
218
00:13:05,807 --> 00:13:07,320
I love you, man.
219
00:13:07,367 --> 00:13:08,846
Gotta go.
220
00:13:09,847 --> 00:13:13,157
- Emotion frightens you, doesn't it?
- Not as much as you do.
221
00:13:13,207 --> 00:13:16,483
Look, I know you think I'm full of it
and maybe I am,
222
00:13:16,527 --> 00:13:20,600
but my philosophy
is calmness through kindness.
223
00:13:20,647 --> 00:13:23,923
- (Mobile phone)
- If that makes me foolish in your mind,
224
00:13:23,967 --> 00:13:26,481
then I'm a fool... Sorry, gotta take this.
225
00:13:26,527 --> 00:13:29,997
Yeah. Hello. Yeah. Just a sec.
226
00:13:32,447 --> 00:13:35,757
Listen, numb nuts,
you're the third lawyer my wife has had
227
00:13:35,807 --> 00:13:38,480
and I'm gonna tell you
what I told the other schmucks.
228
00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:41,564
I would rather shove my money
up a dead donkey's tush
229
00:13:41,607 --> 00:13:43,598
than give her another dime!
230
00:13:45,407 --> 00:13:47,204
Where were we, Ben?
231
00:13:47,247 --> 00:13:49,715
Calmness, kindness...
Something like that.
232
00:13:59,727 --> 00:14:02,719
I can't believe
you gave up our bed to that charlatan.
233
00:14:02,767 --> 00:14:06,123
- You know where I am, Ben.
- In denial.
234
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:08,601
I'm on a tropical island.
235
00:14:08,647 --> 00:14:13,004
My toes are curled in the warm sands
of the Caribbean.
236
00:14:13,047 --> 00:14:15,481
A steel band is playing.
237
00:14:15,527 --> 00:14:20,123
And a handsome young waiter
called Sven is bringing me a gin sling.
238
00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:23,284
Hm. From the sound of it, it's not your first.
239
00:14:23,327 --> 00:14:26,876
Join me, Ben.
There's an empty sun lounger.
240
00:14:26,927 --> 00:14:29,999
I can't, darling.
I've got to swim out and save Dr Buck
241
00:14:30,047 --> 00:14:33,642
who is being savaged by a great white shark.
242
00:14:33,687 --> 00:14:38,158
No. Look. Dr Buck
has tamed the great white shark
243
00:14:38,207 --> 00:14:40,357
with the power of his positive thinking.
244
00:14:40,407 --> 00:14:44,161
The shark says, "Thank you"
and carries him to the shore.
245
00:14:44,207 --> 00:14:47,916
No. Look. On the beach are six
real doctors waiting for Dr Buck
246
00:14:47,967 --> 00:14:49,958
and they've got a straightjacket.
247
00:14:50,007 --> 00:14:55,206
Oh, no. They're putting it on Dr Buck.
What's he going to do now?
248
00:14:55,247 --> 00:14:56,839
Listen, chicken-face.
249
00:14:56,887 --> 00:15:00,197
You just hate Dr Buck
because he made fun of your silly club.
250
00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:02,636
You'd do anything to besmirch his reputation.
251
00:15:02,687 --> 00:15:05,645
Besmirch?
That's what he'd like to do to you.
252
00:15:05,687 --> 00:15:06,836
What?
253
00:15:06,887 --> 00:15:12,041
"Hurry on back. I'm missing you already"?
That man is lucky to be alive.
254
00:15:12,087 --> 00:15:15,124
Pathetic. You just don't want me
to be happier than you.
255
00:15:15,167 --> 00:15:18,557
Susan, there are pit ponies happier than me.
256
00:15:19,607 --> 00:15:24,283
You can't bear that Buck has control
and serenity you can only dream of.
257
00:15:24,327 --> 00:15:26,477
Serenity? Control?
258
00:15:26,527 --> 00:15:30,042
I didn't mention this before,
but when you were in kitchen
259
00:15:30,087 --> 00:15:33,966
I overheard your blessed St Buck
completely lose his rag on the phone.
260
00:15:34,007 --> 00:15:38,603
It seems Pope Dalai Lama II
is divorcing his poor wife
261
00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:42,162
and he's going to put all his money
in a dead donkey's bottom.
262
00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:46,358
Get off my island!
263
00:15:49,047 --> 00:15:51,038
Hello, Mr Harper.
264
00:15:52,007 --> 00:15:53,486
Mm.
265
00:16:16,207 --> 00:16:19,438
I'm sorry I'm talking so much. It's the caffeine.
266
00:16:23,247 --> 00:16:24,646
Come on in.
267
00:16:26,647 --> 00:16:28,444
This is me.
268
00:16:29,767 --> 00:16:32,998
I really enjoyed your talk
on the Etruscans yesterday.
269
00:16:33,047 --> 00:16:36,357
Yes. It's always been very reliable for me.
270
00:16:36,407 --> 00:16:38,716
If you can't trust an Etruscan,
who can you trust?
271
00:16:38,767 --> 00:16:40,519
You did that joke yesterday.
272
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:44,480
The artefacts? Can I see them?
I've got to get back to work.
273
00:16:44,527 --> 00:16:46,324
Yeah, of course.
274
00:16:51,487 --> 00:16:54,604
What's this? Now, this looks ancient.
275
00:16:55,607 --> 00:16:59,486
That's just some of my mum's sponge cake.
How did it get in there?
276
00:17:00,767 --> 00:17:04,885
Amazing. This is first century Roman.
277
00:17:04,927 --> 00:17:07,600
And you found all of this in your back garden?
278
00:17:07,647 --> 00:17:10,036
Well, all except the sponge cake.
279
00:17:10,087 --> 00:17:13,443
That was in the front garden
with Mrs Trubshawe's jam tarts.
280
00:17:13,487 --> 00:17:17,162
More pieces like this
and we could be looking at a major find.
281
00:17:17,207 --> 00:17:19,004
That's what I was hoping.
282
00:17:19,047 --> 00:17:23,563
Well, I've got to go but I'd love
to come back after work and see your dig.
283
00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:26,360
Sure. We'll get down and dirty together.
284
00:17:27,367 --> 00:17:29,597
In the hole...
285
00:17:29,647 --> 00:17:31,285
that I've dug.
286
00:17:32,567 --> 00:17:34,239
For myself.
287
00:17:48,687 --> 00:17:50,484
It's all right. Go on.
288
00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:57,646
"Thrice times shall the hatchling circle the roost.
289
00:17:57,687 --> 00:18:02,397
"He shall walk the walk
and squawk the squawk."
290
00:18:03,407 --> 00:18:06,558
Am I talking too fast?
I'm still wired from yesterday.
291
00:18:06,607 --> 00:18:09,121
No. Missing the odd word, but you're fine.
292
00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:11,761
The idea is this. Does this look good?
293
00:18:11,807 --> 00:18:13,604
(Soft clucking)
294
00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:25,926
- What kind of club is this again?
- Very prestigious, Alfie.
295
00:18:25,967 --> 00:18:27,764
Yeah. I can see that.
296
00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:31,725
- I don't think you're bobbing enough.
- OK.
297
00:18:31,767 --> 00:18:33,598
(Warbling clucks)
298
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:39,726
This is ridiculous.
299
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:45,120
How can the right people have a stupid
initiation ceremony like this?
300
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:47,237
Oh, you'd be surprised, Mr Harper.
301
00:18:47,287 --> 00:18:51,519
Many secret societies have ceremonies
far sillier than this.
302
00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:53,922
Or certainly as silly.
303
00:18:54,927 --> 00:18:58,442
My Uncle Maldwyn joined
the Loyal Society of the Hedgehog.
304
00:18:58,487 --> 00:19:00,603
Did he do well in business?
305
00:19:00,647 --> 00:19:02,205
Oh, yes.
306
00:19:02,247 --> 00:19:07,082
Well, right up until the moment
he was scurrying across the B317
307
00:19:07,127 --> 00:19:08,924
and was squashed by a lorry.
308
00:19:10,207 --> 00:19:11,879
Anyway, give me the squawk.
309
00:19:11,927 --> 00:19:13,918
(Strangled squawking)
310
00:19:17,807 --> 00:19:21,846
- Does that sound like a cockerel?
- Not from any farm I've ever been on.
311
00:19:23,247 --> 00:19:25,841
- Well, you know. You show me.
- OK.
312
00:19:25,887 --> 00:19:27,798
(Clears throat) Right.
313
00:19:33,087 --> 00:19:37,285
- (Slow squawking)
- That is so good. That is...
314
00:19:37,327 --> 00:19:39,318
- (Clucking)
- That is so...
315
00:19:41,527 --> 00:19:43,518
That is dignified. Yeah.
316
00:19:43,567 --> 00:19:45,523
(Both cluck)
317
00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:54,164
Who are they?
318
00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:57,443
Never seen them before in my life.
319
00:19:58,687 --> 00:20:00,678
(Speaks Welsh)
320
00:20:04,407 --> 00:20:06,204
Oh, don't stop.
321
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:15,805
(Giggles)
322
00:20:16,967 --> 00:20:19,561
But I've said too much. I should go.
323
00:20:19,607 --> 00:20:22,280
Oh no, Roger. Not yet.
324
00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:26,081
When you talk Welsh
you're like a different person.
325
00:20:26,967 --> 00:20:28,764
Maybe I am, Abi.
326
00:20:29,887 --> 00:20:32,481
Maybe I am.
327
00:20:50,127 --> 00:20:55,076
Tonight? Will you be wearing a ceremonial
robe or will you have a "capon"?
328
00:20:59,207 --> 00:21:02,404
I'm not going to stoop to your level
and make stupid puns.
329
00:21:02,447 --> 00:21:04,324
Only cos you can't think of any.
330
00:21:05,487 --> 00:21:09,321
- What are you doing with that shovel?
- Digging your graves.
331
00:21:09,367 --> 00:21:13,804
That's nice. When you've finished the tunnel,
I'll escape with you.
332
00:21:13,847 --> 00:21:15,678
Shall we hit the road?
333
00:21:15,727 --> 00:21:19,561
Oh, my God.
Who let Audrey Hepburn into the house?
334
00:21:19,607 --> 00:21:20,801
(Giggles)
335
00:21:27,607 --> 00:21:29,563
This is remarkable.
336
00:21:29,607 --> 00:21:33,122
- You feel it too?
- The ages are all wrong.
337
00:21:33,167 --> 00:21:35,078
Doesn't mean we can't make it work.
338
00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:38,362
I'm talking about this piece of urn.
339
00:21:38,407 --> 00:21:42,605
It was made a good 150 years
before the Romans even arrived here.
340
00:21:42,647 --> 00:21:44,683
How do you explain that?
341
00:21:45,727 --> 00:21:47,604
Advance scouting party?
342
00:21:47,647 --> 00:21:51,356
How much of this stuff actually
came from your garden, Michael?
343
00:21:52,327 --> 00:21:55,125
Well, not including the sponge cake...
344
00:21:56,367 --> 00:21:57,686
...nothing.
345
00:21:57,727 --> 00:21:59,718
Where did it come from?
346
00:21:59,767 --> 00:22:01,803
School display case.
347
00:22:01,847 --> 00:22:04,680
You did all of this just to get me over here.
348
00:22:04,727 --> 00:22:06,843
Picked up on that, did you?
349
00:22:06,887 --> 00:22:11,563
You dug up your entire back garden
just so you could go out with me.
350
00:22:12,567 --> 00:22:16,037
- Why didn't you just ask me?
- Would you have said yes?
351
00:22:16,087 --> 00:22:18,806
I might have back then.
352
00:22:18,847 --> 00:22:22,157
Now I just think
you're some kind of weird stalker.
353
00:22:33,327 --> 00:22:34,726
She'll be back.
354
00:22:45,487 --> 00:22:49,480
And so we come to the last part
of the initiation ceremony.
355
00:22:49,527 --> 00:22:51,518
Offer up Hatchling Harper.
356
00:23:01,487 --> 00:23:03,557
Hatchling Harper...
357
00:23:03,607 --> 00:23:07,600
you have been bedecked with the garb
of the brotherhood and anointed.
358
00:23:07,647 --> 00:23:10,207
Are you ready
to swear the oath of allegiance?
359
00:23:10,247 --> 00:23:11,726
(Nasally) Yup.
360
00:23:13,967 --> 00:23:15,286
I am.
361
00:23:16,327 --> 00:23:18,158
Then do so now.
362
00:23:25,287 --> 00:23:29,121
- I call upon those present...
- (Electronic clucking)
363
00:23:34,527 --> 00:23:38,486
I call upon those present
to bear witness that I...
364
00:23:38,527 --> 00:23:41,519
(Soft clucking)
365
00:23:41,567 --> 00:23:44,240
...Hatchling Harper...
366
00:23:44,287 --> 00:23:46,517
do hereby solemnly declare
367
00:23:46,567 --> 00:23:51,243
to uphold the honour and code
of the Brotherhood of the Cockerel.
368
00:23:51,287 --> 00:23:53,926
Should I ever betray this trust,
369
00:23:53,967 --> 00:23:56,083
may my wattle be severed
370
00:23:56,127 --> 00:23:59,199
and my giblets be scattered to the four winds.
371
00:23:59,247 --> 00:24:01,442
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
372
00:24:03,647 --> 00:24:06,764
Congratulations.
You're now admitted to this fraternity.
373
00:24:06,807 --> 00:24:09,367
- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
374
00:24:09,407 --> 00:24:11,841
And so, brothers, in time-honoured fashion,
375
00:24:11,887 --> 00:24:14,196
it is incumbent upon me to say...
376
00:24:14,247 --> 00:24:16,807
let's party!
377
00:24:16,847 --> 00:24:19,042
(# Pulsating disco)
378
00:24:23,487 --> 00:24:25,921
Come on, sexy.
I'm having the first dance.
379
00:24:42,167 --> 00:24:44,158
Oh! Sorry.
380
00:24:44,207 --> 00:24:46,004
No harm done.
381
00:24:47,887 --> 00:24:50,765
Well, Susan. Here's to our new venture.
382
00:24:50,807 --> 00:24:52,718
Yes.
383
00:24:52,767 --> 00:24:55,076
- Oh. What?
- Our collaboration.
384
00:24:55,127 --> 00:24:56,879
What are you talking about?
385
00:24:56,927 --> 00:25:00,078
I've always wanted
to write a book with one of my fans.
386
00:25:00,127 --> 00:25:03,358
I'm just so damn jazzed about the idea.
387
00:25:03,407 --> 00:25:07,002
Well, I do have a lot of wonderful stories.
388
00:25:07,047 --> 00:25:10,801
I once thought
I saw Mick Jagger in Oxfam.
389
00:25:10,847 --> 00:25:13,884
But it wasn't.
Just a skinny chap eating a doughnut.
390
00:25:16,287 --> 00:25:19,882
- We could get a whole chapter out of that.
- What would we call the book?
391
00:25:19,927 --> 00:25:24,398
Susan, I think we should call it...
Shut Up And Kiss Me.
392
00:25:24,447 --> 00:25:26,165
Oh...
393
00:25:27,167 --> 00:25:28,236
Oh-oh.
394
00:25:33,447 --> 00:25:36,723
I can't believe how stupid I was.
395
00:25:36,767 --> 00:25:39,759
You've lied to me
from the moment you walked in.
396
00:25:39,807 --> 00:25:42,367
I bet I don't look
like Audrey Hepburn either.
397
00:25:42,407 --> 00:25:44,523
- Susan...
- Get out of my sight!
398
00:25:44,567 --> 00:25:46,922
Susan, I know you must hate me
399
00:25:46,967 --> 00:25:49,481
but you couldn't hate me
as much as I hate myself.
400
00:25:49,527 --> 00:25:51,483
We both hate you equally. Now go!
401
00:25:53,887 --> 00:25:55,923
You wouldn't want to take a shower?
402
00:25:56,647 --> 00:25:57,636
Go!
403
00:25:59,487 --> 00:26:00,806
(Door slams)
404
00:26:21,287 --> 00:26:23,198
Two words, Susan.
405
00:26:23,247 --> 00:26:25,158
Gay Disco.
406
00:26:31,887 --> 00:26:34,879
- Do you want to expand on that?
- Not really, no.
407
00:26:37,087 --> 00:26:38,918
How was your evening?
408
00:26:38,967 --> 00:26:42,277
- Dr Buck made a pass at me.
- At least he's straight.
409
00:26:44,007 --> 00:26:45,998
He did what?! He did what?!
410
00:26:46,047 --> 00:26:48,003
- When?! Where is he?!
- Upstairs.
411
00:26:48,047 --> 00:26:52,757
Unfortunately for Dr Buck,
I'm in the mood to assert my masculinity.
412
00:26:52,807 --> 00:26:55,799
- So am I!
- Yeah. Go on!
413
00:26:58,287 --> 00:26:59,481
(Buck) Oh-oh.
414
00:27:00,887 --> 00:27:04,641
You know what I'm going
to do with this book, Buck? Book-Buck.
415
00:27:04,687 --> 00:27:07,918
I'm going to reunite it with your inner man.
416
00:27:07,967 --> 00:27:11,004
Simmer down.
I've got lawyers that'll take your house.
417
00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:12,878
Are you going to let him talk like that?
418
00:27:12,927 --> 00:27:17,284
- Of course he is. He's a chicken.
- Chicken?! Don't you call me a chicken!
419
00:27:19,407 --> 00:27:20,886
Benjamin!
420
00:27:20,927 --> 00:27:22,963
I thought he'd never leave.
421
00:27:23,007 --> 00:27:25,840
- Right. The Buck stops here.
- Not the face.
422
00:27:28,447 --> 00:27:30,278
Ben?
423
00:27:34,327 --> 00:27:38,320
Pretty lucky really. Do you know
where this big pile of earth came from?
424
00:27:39,327 --> 00:27:41,124
Michael!
425
00:27:42,647 --> 00:27:47,277
Say that one again
about my face being all sunsetty.
426
00:27:47,327 --> 00:27:49,318
(Speaks Welsh)
427
00:27:51,567 --> 00:27:54,604
Danger. Road works ahead.
428
00:27:57,927 --> 00:27:58,916
What?
429
00:27:58,967 --> 00:28:01,686
That's what he just said. I speak Welsh.
430
00:28:01,727 --> 00:28:03,445
Is this true, Roger?
431
00:28:04,447 --> 00:28:06,438
He's right, Abi.
432
00:28:08,167 --> 00:28:11,637
I worked in the gift shop
at Caernarfon Castle for one summer.
433
00:28:11,687 --> 00:28:15,077
I thought you were saying
such nice things to me.
434
00:28:15,127 --> 00:28:18,039
Oh, well, in that case...
435
00:28:18,927 --> 00:28:21,646
he should have said...
436
00:28:21,687 --> 00:28:23,678
(Speaks Welsh)
437
00:28:28,247 --> 00:28:29,760
Nah, nothing.
438
00:28:30,927 --> 00:28:34,044
Say that one about roadworks again, Roger.
439
00:28:41,207 --> 00:28:46,042
I'm sorry things didn't work out with Dr Buck.
440
00:28:46,087 --> 00:28:49,079
I'm sorry things didn't work out
with the cockerels.
441
00:28:50,087 --> 00:28:52,442
- So did they give you a ring?
- Nope.
442
00:28:53,687 --> 00:28:55,678
But a couple have promised to write.
34722
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