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1
00:00:19,007 --> 00:00:22,317
Doesn't it bother you that it's too quiet?
2
00:00:22,367 --> 00:00:23,959
Never.
3
00:00:24,007 --> 00:00:26,805
It bothers me.
4
00:00:28,567 --> 00:00:32,560
Look, Janey is at university,
Nick has got his own flat,
5
00:00:32,607 --> 00:00:35,644
Michael has settled down into
something near normality
6
00:00:35,687 --> 00:00:38,759
and Abi is always out at evening class.
7
00:00:38,807 --> 00:00:41,480
There's just you left.
8
00:00:41,527 --> 00:00:45,486
I know. Doesn't leave us with much to do,
does it?
9
00:00:45,527 --> 00:00:48,519
Speak for yourself, I've got my book to read.
10
00:00:48,567 --> 00:00:50,603
Might do a spot of gardening...
11
00:00:50,647 --> 00:00:52,922
Yep, we ought to take a spin down to the coast.
12
00:00:52,967 --> 00:00:55,162
God, you sound like someone's grandad.
13
00:00:55,207 --> 00:00:57,562
I am, remember?
14
00:00:57,607 --> 00:01:01,600
For the first time in my life,
I'm approaching something like serenity.
15
00:01:01,647 --> 00:01:07,165
So settle down, do your jigsaw
and I'll try and get up to page 15.
16
00:01:22,367 --> 00:01:24,358
Michael!
17
00:01:25,447 --> 00:01:27,836
Susan!
18
00:01:29,007 --> 00:01:30,076
Abi!
19
00:01:30,647 --> 00:01:32,126
Hello.
20
00:01:33,047 --> 00:01:35,277
What the hell are you doing with that?!
21
00:01:35,327 --> 00:01:38,558
Don't worry, it's only yesterday's paper.
22
00:01:38,607 --> 00:01:41,519
I don't mean that, I mean that!
23
00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:43,683
I'm taking car maintenance classes.
24
00:01:43,727 --> 00:01:46,400
- I didn't know you had a car.
- I don't.
25
00:01:48,367 --> 00:01:50,358
Oh, God.
26
00:01:51,447 --> 00:01:53,005
Oh, God.
27
00:01:53,687 --> 00:01:56,440
Just imagine it all put together again.
28
00:01:56,487 --> 00:01:58,318
Purring along the open road.
29
00:01:59,007 --> 00:02:03,797
I don't have to imagine it, I can remember it.
My car was perfectly all right!
30
00:02:04,287 --> 00:02:06,278
And it will be again.
31
00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:10,445
I just need to find some... bits of things.
32
00:02:10,487 --> 00:02:12,682
What on earth do you think you're doing?
33
00:02:12,727 --> 00:02:16,037
It's not me, it's Abi. she's taken my car to bits.
34
00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:20,285
Oh, Abi, did the embroidery course
not work out?
35
00:02:21,327 --> 00:02:24,876
No, it turns out I'm allergic to thread.
36
00:02:24,927 --> 00:02:26,758
Hello! Hello!
37
00:02:26,807 --> 00:02:31,085
How can you stand there idly chatting
when half my car is on the kitchen table?!
38
00:02:33,647 --> 00:02:37,083
But I didn't let it put me off,
so I switched courses.
39
00:02:37,127 --> 00:02:39,357
After all, the whole idea is to meet new people.
40
00:02:39,407 --> 00:02:41,875
The same could be said for a long sea voyage.
41
00:02:41,927 --> 00:02:45,397
I can tell I annoy you,
hanging around the house all day.
42
00:02:45,447 --> 00:02:47,756
- No, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes!
43
00:02:47,807 --> 00:02:50,560
- Abi, don't talk nonsense.
- She's always talking nonsense,
44
00:02:50,607 --> 00:02:54,395
but this time the nonsense make sense!
Get this bloody thing out of here!
45
00:02:54,447 --> 00:02:58,406
- Don't you think it's too heavy for her?
- I meant her!
46
00:02:58,447 --> 00:03:03,157
I'm telling you, Susan, I've had it!
I've had it now! Had it, now!
47
00:03:06,807 --> 00:03:10,402
Abi, perhaps car maintenance
wasn't the best choice.
48
00:03:10,447 --> 00:03:14,838
You've convinced me.
no more car maintenance for me.
49
00:03:16,887 --> 00:03:20,562
Hey! Hey!
What about my engine?
50
00:03:20,607 --> 00:03:23,121
Too late, me car fixing days are over.
51
00:03:24,407 --> 00:03:26,602
Oh, Ben will be pleased to hear that.
52
00:03:26,647 --> 00:03:31,437
Ohh, my... My beautiful car...
53
00:03:33,487 --> 00:03:35,603
My beautiful engine...
54
00:03:36,407 --> 00:03:38,921
My beautiful...
55
00:03:38,967 --> 00:03:41,640
brown thing with a hole on the top.
56
00:03:41,687 --> 00:03:43,757
Hey, Michael, help me shift this thing.
57
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:47,038
- I'm afraid that's not possible, Father.
- I'm afraid it is.
58
00:03:47,087 --> 00:03:50,796
Now, but is it not written,
"On the Sabbath shalt thou do no labour?"
59
00:03:50,847 --> 00:03:52,519
I do not know, is it not written?
60
00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:54,956
Yes, it is written, sorry.
61
00:03:55,007 --> 00:03:58,079
Is it not also not written that
"You shall help me shift this thing
62
00:03:58,127 --> 00:04:01,358
"or I should give thee a mighty
hard kick up the wazoo?"
63
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:03,637
I forgive you those harsh words, Father.
64
00:04:03,687 --> 00:04:06,565
- God won't.
- Oh no, not religion.
65
00:04:06,607 --> 00:04:09,565
Well, I'm at that age.
Don't worry, it's all good news.
66
00:04:09,607 --> 00:04:13,759
No more selfishness, no more sin.
Just Bible study and silent contemplation.
67
00:04:13,807 --> 00:04:17,083
- I've been born again.
- I wasn't too happy about it first the time.
68
00:04:17,127 --> 00:04:18,242
- (Doorbell)
- Doorbell.
69
00:04:18,287 --> 00:04:22,121
- Sabbath.
- OK, I'll get it.
70
00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:23,805
(Doorbell)
71
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,644
Doorbell, Susan.
72
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:30,317
I'll get it.
73
00:04:34,967 --> 00:04:37,322
- Hi, Dad.
- Someone else get this!
74
00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:39,323
- Nice to see you too.
- Hmph.
75
00:04:39,367 --> 00:04:41,597
You are not pregnant again, are you?
76
00:04:41,647 --> 00:04:45,003
- No.
- Ah! Well, then, come in.
77
00:04:45,047 --> 00:04:47,607
Oh, hello, Kenzo!
78
00:04:47,647 --> 00:04:51,401
Oh look at you. My, my, haven't you grown?
79
00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:55,565
Gets more and more like his father every day,
80
00:04:55,607 --> 00:04:57,006
whoever he is.
81
00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:59,686
Drop it, Dad. Where's Mum?
82
00:04:59,727 --> 00:05:02,321
Hello, Janey, this is a nice, er...
83
00:05:03,367 --> 00:05:07,440
I'll, er... I'll be with you in a minute.
84
00:05:07,487 --> 00:05:09,876
So, how long are you here for this time?
85
00:05:09,927 --> 00:05:11,440
The weekend?
86
00:05:24,127 --> 00:05:25,526
Or longer?
87
00:05:26,647 --> 00:05:30,117
Kenzo, who's the cutey-wooty-pie?
88
00:05:30,167 --> 00:05:32,158
Hold that thought, Kenzo.
89
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,562
Hello, Janey.
90
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:37,803
- How's uni?
- Versity.
91
00:05:37,847 --> 00:05:40,600
- Oh, Mum, let's not talk about uni.
- Versity.
92
00:05:40,647 --> 00:05:42,638
Course, you must be tired.
93
00:05:42,687 --> 00:05:45,281
- When do you have to go back?
- Oh, I don't.
94
00:05:46,247 --> 00:05:49,159
- Don't you have lectures?
- Not any more.
95
00:05:49,207 --> 00:05:52,324
- You mean you've dropped out of uni?!
- Versity.
96
00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:54,085
That's right.
97
00:05:54,127 --> 00:05:56,322
What about your future, my money?
98
00:05:56,367 --> 00:05:59,439
If that's your attitude, Dad,
I'm sorry I ever came back.
99
00:05:59,487 --> 00:06:02,240
Oh that's all right, darling, I'll call you a cab.
100
00:06:02,287 --> 00:06:03,686
- Or truck.
- Ben...
101
00:06:03,727 --> 00:06:06,764
No that's all right Mum, Dad's right.
I'll leave now.
102
00:06:06,807 --> 00:06:10,004
I'll take little Kenzo back out
into the cold and the rain.
103
00:06:10,047 --> 00:06:11,799
Oh, Janey, no. Don't go.
104
00:06:12,607 --> 00:06:15,075
Oh, thanks, Mum. It'll be like I never left.
105
00:06:15,127 --> 00:06:17,163
(Banging)
106
00:06:22,887 --> 00:06:24,957
I'll never be free.
107
00:06:26,247 --> 00:06:29,284
Why did she just leave Manchester like that?
108
00:06:29,327 --> 00:06:32,842
Because she can get
free board and lodging here.
109
00:06:32,887 --> 00:06:34,878
Maybe there's a man involved.
110
00:06:34,927 --> 00:06:37,725
Yes, her father...
111
00:06:37,767 --> 00:06:39,564
and his wallet.
112
00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:42,758
No, let me tell you what I think happened.
113
00:06:42,807 --> 00:06:45,037
OK, you win, go on.
114
00:06:45,087 --> 00:06:46,884
I'll never get to page 15.
115
00:06:47,927 --> 00:06:50,964
Janey met one of those slackers at university.
116
00:06:51,447 --> 00:06:54,200
Versity. Oh, sorry that's reflex, sorry.
117
00:06:54,807 --> 00:06:58,959
A slacker, whose curly brown hair
and doe-like eyes
118
00:06:59,007 --> 00:07:03,637
have led Janey off the academic path,
into a counter culture hinterland
119
00:07:03,687 --> 00:07:06,963
of raves, hip hop
and Icelandic underground films.
120
00:07:10,007 --> 00:07:12,475
Or maybe she just dropped out.
121
00:07:13,247 --> 00:07:17,160
I can't wait to find out,
Oh, it's just like Christmas.
122
00:07:17,207 --> 00:07:19,198
Nothing's that bad.
123
00:07:20,247 --> 00:07:21,839
Go down and ask her first thing.
124
00:07:21,887 --> 00:07:24,321
- Why me?
- Because Janey never tells me anything.
125
00:07:24,367 --> 00:07:27,484
Well, the kind of things she tells me,
I don't want to know.
126
00:07:28,287 --> 00:07:30,278
Well, you should do.
127
00:07:31,287 --> 00:07:33,847
What if she's serious about this bloke?
128
00:07:39,047 --> 00:07:41,356
What if they move in together?
129
00:07:43,287 --> 00:07:45,278
Or get married?
130
00:07:50,207 --> 00:07:53,119
I'll never have to pay for her again.
131
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:04,997
- Morning, Janey.
- Morning.
132
00:08:08,327 --> 00:08:12,718
- Ooh! That's nice.
- Yeah. I found all this stuff in the fridge.
133
00:08:12,767 --> 00:08:15,725
- I thought I better step in quick.
- Smashing!
134
00:08:18,807 --> 00:08:21,321
So, anyone special on the scene at the moment?
135
00:08:21,847 --> 00:08:23,883
You mean, why aren't I married yet?
136
00:08:23,927 --> 00:08:26,361
Janey, you're not making this any easier for me.
137
00:08:26,407 --> 00:08:28,159
I'll make it easy. Butt out.
138
00:08:28,207 --> 00:08:31,961
OK, butting out already, thank you.
Here we go, butting out, butting out.
139
00:08:32,007 --> 00:08:33,804
Butting out here, OK?
140
00:08:35,127 --> 00:08:36,685
Uh-uh...
141
00:08:36,727 --> 00:08:38,718
Haven't said grace yet.
142
00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:40,758
Don't mind me, go ahead.
143
00:08:40,807 --> 00:08:43,844
Please, Dad, this is really important to me.
144
00:08:45,047 --> 00:08:47,242
Erm, I'm... I'm sorry, Michael.
145
00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:55,123
O, Lord, we thank thee for thy bounty
on this glorious morn,
146
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:57,761
we thank thee for thee food
that thou has provided.
147
00:08:57,807 --> 00:08:59,240
Amen.
148
00:08:59,287 --> 00:09:01,676
The bread, made from the golden wheat,
149
00:09:01,727 --> 00:09:05,117
the eggs laid by the humblest
of thy creations, the farmyard hen.
150
00:09:05,167 --> 00:09:06,361
Amen.
151
00:09:06,407 --> 00:09:08,204
The tomato, so lovingly fried.
152
00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:12,320
The hydrogenated butter substitute formed from
thy molecules in some chemical process,
153
00:09:12,367 --> 00:09:15,757
which thou hast in thy wisdom,
ordained and devised.
154
00:09:15,807 --> 00:09:18,401
- Michael...
- Shh! We thank you for the gift of sunshine,
155
00:09:18,447 --> 00:09:20,039
interspersed with light showers.
156
00:09:20,087 --> 00:09:21,645
- Michael, shut up!
- Dad?
157
00:09:21,687 --> 00:09:23,643
What? Forgive me these harsh words.
158
00:09:23,687 --> 00:09:29,364
- Actually no, you're going to hell, forever.
- I'm gonna need a big breakfast then.
159
00:09:30,567 --> 00:09:32,797
Good morning, how is everyone today?
160
00:09:32,847 --> 00:09:36,157
Well, she's cooking, he's weird,
and I'm going to hell.
161
00:09:36,807 --> 00:09:39,321
So did you ask her?
162
00:09:39,367 --> 00:09:41,005
Yep.
163
00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:44,278
- Did you muck it up?
- Yep, your turn.
164
00:09:45,887 --> 00:09:50,961
So, Janey, anyone special on the scene
at the moment?
165
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,157
- Well, you know about Orlando.
- Yes.
166
00:09:53,207 --> 00:09:56,279
Then there was Tom,
but since then nothing's worked out
167
00:09:56,327 --> 00:09:59,558
and now with Kenzo,
there's not much room for a relationship.
168
00:09:59,607 --> 00:10:02,075
- Well, you're young, there is no rush.
- Mm.
169
00:10:02,127 --> 00:10:05,244
Hang on, I just asked the same question,
I was told to butt out!
170
00:10:05,287 --> 00:10:09,439
I have to give Mum just enough
to keep her happy, with you there's no point.
171
00:10:09,487 --> 00:10:12,001
Excuse me, I'm still in the room.
172
00:10:12,047 --> 00:10:15,005
Hello! We're all avoiding
the issue here, except me.
173
00:10:15,047 --> 00:10:17,925
Look, you can't just drop out of
college on a whim!
174
00:10:17,967 --> 00:10:20,242
You're a grown woman with a child.
175
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,039
Daddy, don't you wuv me any more?
176
00:10:22,087 --> 00:10:24,442
Darling, of course I love...
177
00:10:25,727 --> 00:10:27,718
This is exactly what I mean!
178
00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:30,804
Why don't you just go back to college
and get married! I don't care!
179
00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:36,080
Oh, Ben, I've never seen you so involved,
so resolute, so father-like.
180
00:10:36,127 --> 00:10:38,357
Yeah, I don't know what came over me.
181
00:10:38,407 --> 00:10:40,398
I'll be at the end of the garden.
182
00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:49,678
- Ben?
- What?
183
00:10:49,727 --> 00:10:52,924
I found the perfect pastime
to keep me out of the house.
184
00:10:52,967 --> 00:10:55,686
Oh, I like it already.
185
00:10:57,247 --> 00:10:59,238
Naturism.
186
00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:04,243
- Naturism?
- Yeah.
187
00:11:04,287 --> 00:11:06,198
(Laughs weakly)
188
00:11:07,247 --> 00:11:09,238
Do you know what naturism is?
189
00:11:09,287 --> 00:11:13,121
Yes, it's about wandering through
the landscape,
190
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:18,082
looking at trees and flowers
and owls and bracken.
191
00:11:18,607 --> 00:11:20,962
Yeah, course it is.
192
00:11:21,007 --> 00:11:23,362
Good, there's a meeting tomorrow, I'm going.
193
00:11:23,407 --> 00:11:25,762
And I think you should,
194
00:11:25,807 --> 00:11:29,356
because I think you'll find it a real eye opener.
195
00:11:35,687 --> 00:11:39,680
Susan, is there anything funny about
naturism?
196
00:11:39,727 --> 00:11:44,198
Of course not, dear, it's perfectly normal
and natural. Hence the word "naturism".
197
00:11:44,247 --> 00:11:48,445
- Nothing funny about it at all.
- Good, that's what I thought.
198
00:11:50,287 --> 00:11:52,084
Oh, dear.
199
00:11:52,127 --> 00:11:54,118
What was that all about?
200
00:11:54,167 --> 00:11:57,000
- She is going to a naturist meeting.
- So?
201
00:11:57,047 --> 00:12:01,484
Well, it's priceless, isn't it?
Because she thinks it's about birds and bees,
202
00:12:01,527 --> 00:12:04,087
and flowers and trees, and bracken and things.
203
00:12:04,127 --> 00:12:07,324
You mean she doesn't realise she's going to
spend the evening
204
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:09,403
in a room full of naked nutters?
205
00:12:09,447 --> 00:12:13,122
- Why didn't you tell her?
- She's dismantled my car.
206
00:12:18,367 --> 00:12:20,164
Yes.
207
00:12:24,847 --> 00:12:26,963
Dad, I want you to meet Hubert.
208
00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:29,601
He's from the Flaming Scourge Bible Group.
209
00:12:29,647 --> 00:12:31,956
I've got all there albums.
210
00:12:32,967 --> 00:12:36,004
Hallo, Mr Harper. We've come to save you.
211
00:12:36,967 --> 00:12:39,640
I'm already safe, thank you.
212
00:12:39,687 --> 00:12:42,918
- But are you, Dad?
- Evidently not.
213
00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:45,925
You see, Dad, you've either been saved
or you haven't.
214
00:12:45,967 --> 00:12:50,404
And because God knows everything,
he already knows who's going to heaven.
215
00:12:51,087 --> 00:12:53,237
And who is going to hell.
216
00:12:53,287 --> 00:12:54,959
Really?
217
00:12:55,087 --> 00:12:57,681
So it doesn't matter what I do, then.
218
00:12:57,727 --> 00:12:59,877
Might as well do what I like.
219
00:12:59,927 --> 00:13:01,724
It's your choice.
220
00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:04,520
Except according to you it isn't, is it?
221
00:13:05,127 --> 00:13:07,357
First round to me, eh?
222
00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:11,406
Oh, wait until I tell the guys in hell.
223
00:13:13,207 --> 00:13:16,040
- We'll be praying for you, Dad.
- Yeah.
224
00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:18,362
I'll be here enjoying my book.
225
00:13:19,047 --> 00:13:20,844
The...
226
00:13:24,047 --> 00:13:25,878
Michael!
227
00:13:31,007 --> 00:13:32,406
Oh, hello.
228
00:13:32,447 --> 00:13:36,201
- Mrs Harper?
- Yes, is there something wrong?
229
00:13:36,247 --> 00:13:38,238
We are looking for a Janey Harper.
230
00:13:38,287 --> 00:13:40,084
Oh.
231
00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:42,520
Any particular one?
232
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:47,676
- The one who lives here.
- Ah. Oh. Erm...
233
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:50,400
Well, she doesn't live here... Well, she did,
234
00:13:50,447 --> 00:13:53,723
except we haven't seen her for months,
or heard from her.
235
00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:57,123
How many months?
236
00:13:57,167 --> 00:13:58,680
Fourteen.
237
00:13:59,927 --> 00:14:01,724
I see.
238
00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:05,646
- Tell me, is she in some sort of trouble?
- We'd rather discuss that with her.
239
00:14:05,687 --> 00:14:10,044
Oh, well, that's a shame,
because she is not here just now.
240
00:14:10,087 --> 00:14:12,555
For 14 months.
241
00:14:12,607 --> 00:14:14,040
Thought you said 15 months?
242
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:17,762
No, no, I definitely said 14 months...
243
00:14:19,367 --> 00:14:21,164
or maybe 15.
244
00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:26,966
Well, if she does happen to drop by
after 15 or 14 months,
245
00:14:27,007 --> 00:14:29,202
perhaps you could give us a call.
246
00:14:29,247 --> 00:14:32,205
All right, but I don't think that's very likely.
247
00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:34,602
That she'll drop by, or you'll give us a call?
248
00:14:35,807 --> 00:14:37,843
Whichever's the least suspicious.
249
00:14:37,887 --> 00:14:39,286
Good day.
250
00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:44,239
- Who was that?
- The police, looking for Janey.
251
00:14:44,287 --> 00:14:47,597
- What?!
- It's all right, I've put them off the scent.
252
00:14:51,567 --> 00:14:53,364
I thought I heard her come in.
253
00:14:54,167 --> 00:14:58,399
No, she's not back yet,
I would have felt a tremor in my bank balance.
254
00:14:58,447 --> 00:15:00,802
So what do you think it is?
255
00:15:00,847 --> 00:15:02,838
Credit card fraud?
256
00:15:02,887 --> 00:15:04,923
Smuggling?
257
00:15:04,967 --> 00:15:07,037
Video piracy?
258
00:15:07,087 --> 00:15:09,555
My money's on shoplifting.
259
00:15:09,607 --> 00:15:11,404
Shoplifting, that's right.
260
00:15:11,447 --> 00:15:13,836
Stealing children's shoes from Mothercare,
261
00:15:13,887 --> 00:15:17,357
because you wouldn't give her
enough money, you pig!
262
00:15:17,407 --> 00:15:20,877
Oh, great! So I'm now getting the blame
for a putative crime
263
00:15:20,927 --> 00:15:24,363
my daughter may or may not have committed
in a town 200 miles away.
264
00:15:24,407 --> 00:15:26,841
How dare you say that! My daughter's innocent.
265
00:15:26,887 --> 00:15:28,957
Susan, take a deep breath...
266
00:15:29,007 --> 00:15:31,043
Good, count to ten and...
267
00:15:31,087 --> 00:15:33,078
Keep counting. I'm gonna read my book.
268
00:15:34,047 --> 00:15:38,165
Oh, God, I can't read this. Joanna Trollope?
269
00:15:38,207 --> 00:15:40,880
Load of old cobblers about a vicar's wife.
270
00:15:40,927 --> 00:15:44,966
- Then why are you reading it?
- Michael's made off with me Tom Clancy.
271
00:15:45,007 --> 00:15:47,077
We're leaving in a den of thieves.
272
00:15:47,127 --> 00:15:49,880
- Do you think so?
- Forget I said anything.
273
00:15:50,807 --> 00:15:55,039
Well, Ben, I just popped in to say I'm back
from my first naturist meeting.
274
00:15:56,927 --> 00:15:59,395
- (Chuckles)
- And it was really good.
275
00:15:59,447 --> 00:16:01,597
- Really?
- Yes.
276
00:16:01,647 --> 00:16:03,956
So, what were people like?
277
00:16:04,007 --> 00:16:05,998
- Very nice.
- Oh.
278
00:16:10,247 --> 00:16:12,238
- And?
- Pleasant.
279
00:16:12,287 --> 00:16:13,686
Yeah, and?
280
00:16:13,727 --> 00:16:16,958
And they are having a picnic this weekend
on a private beach,
281
00:16:17,007 --> 00:16:18,440
and I'm going with them.
282
00:16:18,487 --> 00:16:21,604
Well, keep your eyes peeled,
you may see some winkles!
283
00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:26,722
Ah... or seaweed.
284
00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:27,961
Hiya.
285
00:16:28,007 --> 00:16:29,998
Hallo, Janey. Did you pay for those?
286
00:16:30,047 --> 00:16:32,083
Of course not.
287
00:16:32,127 --> 00:16:34,118
They're on Dad's credit card.
288
00:16:35,407 --> 00:16:38,604
Janey, is there something you want to tell us?
289
00:16:38,647 --> 00:16:42,401
No. Oh yeah, Dad,
you've opened an account at Selfridges.
290
00:16:42,447 --> 00:16:45,041
Ooh, again.
291
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:49,239
What I mean is, Janey, the police
were here yesterday, from Manchester.
292
00:16:49,847 --> 00:16:53,601
Oh, God! They tracked me all the way down
here. Did you tell them where I was?
293
00:16:53,647 --> 00:16:56,286
Of course not.
Are you in some sought of trouble?
294
00:16:56,327 --> 00:16:59,922
Not in so much trouble, Mum,
more of a mix-up. What did you tell them?
295
00:16:59,967 --> 00:17:03,164
- I said I hadn't seen you.
- Great, thanks, Mum.
296
00:17:03,207 --> 00:17:08,042
- That's what any mother would have done.
- Not every mother would lie to the police.
297
00:17:08,087 --> 00:17:11,284
- What?
- It's all right, Susan. Let me handle this.
298
00:17:11,327 --> 00:17:15,718
Janey... Look, I've been your father
for longer than I care to remember,
299
00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:19,396
and I know I give the impression
that sometimes I don't care, but I do, darling.
300
00:17:19,447 --> 00:17:21,324
I care very, very, very much.
301
00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:25,918
Now, this thing that the police want you for...
it's nothing to do with me, is it?
302
00:17:25,967 --> 00:17:29,403
- No, Dad.
- OK, that's fine, it's all I want to hear.
303
00:17:29,447 --> 00:17:31,438
You, er, going to finish that?
304
00:17:31,487 --> 00:17:33,682
Well, fine, thank you very much.
305
00:17:36,687 --> 00:17:39,724
My God, I lied to the police.
306
00:17:40,407 --> 00:17:42,398
I can see myself in the dock.
307
00:17:43,927 --> 00:17:46,999
I'm wearing a lilac chiffon paisley print wrap.
308
00:17:48,847 --> 00:17:51,077
Now, what handbag should I take?
309
00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:56,882
- I suppose I could work in the library.
- Hm?
310
00:17:56,927 --> 00:17:58,724
- In prison.
- Mm.
311
00:17:58,767 --> 00:18:01,440
- Or even better, the kitchens.
- Mm, good idea.
312
00:18:01,487 --> 00:18:04,320
You could poison the guards and escape.
313
00:18:05,447 --> 00:18:07,244
Still not found your book?
314
00:18:07,807 --> 00:18:11,402
You know I haven't.
I had to borrow this one from Kenzo.
315
00:18:12,807 --> 00:18:15,367
You might get past page 14 now.
316
00:18:17,087 --> 00:18:19,760
Anyway, beats Joanna bloody Trollope.
317
00:18:21,247 --> 00:18:23,238
I'm just worried.
318
00:18:23,287 --> 00:18:25,278
I'm far too attractive.
319
00:18:25,327 --> 00:18:28,399
I'll be a sex toy for all the warders.
320
00:18:30,887 --> 00:18:32,684
Susan, do you mind?
321
00:18:32,727 --> 00:18:35,161
Maisy and Tallulah are icing a cake.
322
00:18:37,287 --> 00:18:40,438
Oh. Oh, you can laugh,
323
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:45,197
but how would you like to be locked up
with a bunch of sex-starved tarts and nymphos?
324
00:18:49,647 --> 00:18:52,445
Oh, well. Never gonna get to sleep now.
325
00:18:55,087 --> 00:18:56,884
Why are the police after you?
326
00:18:56,927 --> 00:19:00,203
I'm not telling you,
you'll only use it against me.
327
00:19:00,247 --> 00:19:04,206
A - as a Christian I wouldn't do that.
And B - I've got enough on you already.
328
00:19:04,247 --> 00:19:05,839
Like what?
329
00:19:05,887 --> 00:19:08,879
Like you didn't drop out of college,
you were thrown out.
330
00:19:08,927 --> 00:19:12,158
- How do you know that?
- The power of prayer.
331
00:19:12,207 --> 00:19:14,516
Plus I found Jenny Grover and asked her.
332
00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:16,000
Who's Jenny Grover?
333
00:19:16,047 --> 00:19:18,720
- Your tutor.
- Oh.
334
00:19:20,567 --> 00:19:23,127
Right, I was thrown out.
335
00:19:23,167 --> 00:19:25,681
They kept making me do these stupid essays.
336
00:19:25,727 --> 00:19:27,797
What makes you think they were stupid?
337
00:19:27,847 --> 00:19:30,361
They wrote it at the bottom of the page.
338
00:19:31,407 --> 00:19:34,080
Promise me you won't tell Mum and Dad.
339
00:19:34,127 --> 00:19:37,437
I won't, if you come to one of my
Bible meetings.
340
00:19:37,487 --> 00:19:39,364
Isn't the Bible against blackmail?
341
00:19:39,807 --> 00:19:42,401
Come to my meeting and find out.
342
00:19:52,047 --> 00:19:54,197
Oh, my God!
343
00:19:54,247 --> 00:19:55,919
You've made tea.
344
00:19:55,967 --> 00:19:59,596
Susan, these are my friends,
George and Sandra.
345
00:19:59,647 --> 00:20:00,796
- Hello.
- Hello.
346
00:20:00,847 --> 00:20:03,156
Don't get up, please.
347
00:20:03,207 --> 00:20:06,677
- They're from my naturist group.
- Ah.
348
00:20:06,727 --> 00:20:09,082
Not the car maintenance course, then.
349
00:20:09,127 --> 00:20:14,884
No. George is a solicitor, and Sandra works for
The Citizens' Advice Bureau.
350
00:20:14,927 --> 00:20:20,206
Really? So, George, as a solicitor,
what would you say if...
351
00:20:20,247 --> 00:20:24,684
well, let's call them person A,
had lied to the police?
352
00:20:24,727 --> 00:20:27,002
Well that's clearly a very serious matter.
353
00:20:27,047 --> 00:20:29,277
But I'm not really a criminal lawyer.
354
00:20:29,327 --> 00:20:33,081
George is more conveyancing.
Family law, that sort of thing.
355
00:20:33,127 --> 00:20:36,119
- But that's not to say that I can't help.
- Oh, good.
356
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:39,079
- Let me give you some more cake.
- Oh, yes please.
357
00:20:39,127 --> 00:20:40,924
Maybe later.
358
00:20:41,447 --> 00:20:46,077
♪ Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning
359
00:20:46,127 --> 00:20:49,039
♪ Give me oil in my lamp, I pray...
360
00:20:49,087 --> 00:20:50,486
I pray!
361
00:20:50,527 --> 00:20:53,485
♪ Give me oil in my lamp keep me burning... ♪
362
00:20:53,527 --> 00:20:54,755
Enough!
363
00:20:54,807 --> 00:20:56,798
What is this, Michael?!
364
00:20:56,847 --> 00:21:01,637
Why can't you be like a normal kid - get drunk
on Bacardi Breezers and wake up with a tattoo?!
365
00:21:01,687 --> 00:21:04,201
- (All) Ooh.!
- All right, calm down.
366
00:21:04,247 --> 00:21:06,044
Why can't you do this in church?
367
00:21:06,087 --> 00:21:08,203
- God is everywhere, Father.
- Really?
368
00:21:08,247 --> 00:21:10,807
Well, he'll be at Hubert's waiting for you, go on.
369
00:21:10,847 --> 00:21:13,236
A prophet is without in his own country.
370
00:21:13,287 --> 00:21:16,085
Oh, Janey... Not you as well?
371
00:21:16,127 --> 00:21:18,322
Hallelujah.
372
00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:22,042
Come, join us, Father.
There's plenty of room at the table of glory.
373
00:21:22,087 --> 00:21:24,760
I've got an appointment on the sofa of sanity.
374
00:21:27,367 --> 00:21:29,278
One, two, three.
375
00:21:29,327 --> 00:21:32,524
♪ Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning...
376
00:21:32,567 --> 00:21:34,876
- Keep me burning.
- # Give me oil... #
377
00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:36,724
Ohh.
378
00:21:36,767 --> 00:21:41,602
Susan, you will not believe what is going on
in that kitchen. It is utter madness!
379
00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:46,282
Whilst in here, everything...
380
00:21:46,327 --> 00:21:48,921
is as it should be.
381
00:21:48,967 --> 00:21:51,606
Ben, this is George and Sandra.
382
00:21:51,647 --> 00:21:53,683
- They won't get up.
- (Both) Hello.
383
00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:56,680
Hi.
384
00:21:56,727 --> 00:21:58,638
Why don't you join us, Ben?
385
00:21:58,687 --> 00:22:01,520
- We could squeeze up.
- Room for a little one.
386
00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:03,398
No, thanks, I'll stand.
387
00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:06,484
George has been giving me
some very good advice.
388
00:22:06,527 --> 00:22:07,596
Oh...
389
00:22:07,647 --> 00:22:09,638
Don't take it. See you later.
390
00:22:16,167 --> 00:22:17,361
- Sorry.
- Oi!
391
00:22:17,407 --> 00:22:19,204
Sorry, um...
392
00:22:19,247 --> 00:22:22,637
- Oh? Ah...
- Oh, no it's my night off.
393
00:22:22,687 --> 00:22:24,439
Don't want to hear your problems.
394
00:22:24,487 --> 00:22:26,637
Oh, really? Which ones?
395
00:22:26,687 --> 00:22:29,918
- My daughter, who's dropped out of uni.
- Versity.
396
00:22:29,967 --> 00:22:32,845
Now she's on the run from the law.
397
00:22:32,887 --> 00:22:38,883
Or the resident crazy woman, who's dismantled
my car, and filled the house with nudists.
398
00:22:38,927 --> 00:22:41,236
Or my youngest son who's now got religion.
399
00:22:41,287 --> 00:22:44,165
He hasn't has he? Oh, God!
400
00:22:44,207 --> 00:22:47,916
That's what I thought.
You do understand, maybe you could help.
401
00:22:47,967 --> 00:22:52,995
Me? Look at me. Here I am, at half past eight,
in the pub with my M & S meal for one.
402
00:22:53,047 --> 00:22:56,005
I won't get to the bus stop
without getting drenched,
403
00:22:56,047 --> 00:22:59,198
nor get back to my poky little flat
to late for The Bill.
404
00:22:59,247 --> 00:23:01,920
- Getting back to my problem...
- I live above a chip shop.
405
00:23:01,967 --> 00:23:05,516
They won't even let me have a manse,
and I have to look after three parishes.
406
00:23:05,567 --> 00:23:10,482
Oh, well, isn't that always the way?
But, er... what do you think I should do?
407
00:23:11,207 --> 00:23:12,799
Personally,
408
00:23:12,847 --> 00:23:15,361
I find the answer in drink.
409
00:23:16,607 --> 00:23:19,644
Things become a lot clearer
after a couple of beers.
410
00:23:19,687 --> 00:23:23,316
All the doubts and paradoxes disappear.
411
00:23:24,167 --> 00:23:25,964
Plus it make you funnier.
412
00:23:28,807 --> 00:23:31,002
Do want to to go on somewhere?
413
00:23:33,007 --> 00:23:34,804
No, thank you.
414
00:23:36,127 --> 00:23:37,924
Susan!
415
00:23:38,527 --> 00:23:40,563
Susan!
416
00:23:40,607 --> 00:23:42,165
Any nudists about?
417
00:23:42,207 --> 00:23:45,040
- No, they left, eventually.
- Yeah?
418
00:23:45,087 --> 00:23:47,317
Actually it was a little embarrassing.
419
00:23:47,367 --> 00:23:49,323
- A little?
- Yes.
420
00:23:49,367 --> 00:23:54,361
The Bible group caught sight of them
on the way out and a scuffle developed.
421
00:23:54,407 --> 00:23:55,999
Christians v nudists.
422
00:23:56,047 --> 00:23:58,163
All sorts of things were flying about.
423
00:23:58,207 --> 00:24:00,801
What? What sort of things?
424
00:24:00,847 --> 00:24:03,281
All sorts.
425
00:24:03,327 --> 00:24:06,558
I didn't know where to look, apart from away.
426
00:24:06,607 --> 00:24:08,837
Susan... I've got some great news.
427
00:24:08,887 --> 00:24:10,445
So have I.
428
00:24:10,487 --> 00:24:14,321
George says it'll be all right,
if I tell the police the truth.
429
00:24:14,367 --> 00:24:18,326
They'll understand why I lied.
After all, I am her mother.
430
00:24:18,927 --> 00:24:22,283
- Good old George. I like George.
- Yeah, me too.
431
00:24:22,767 --> 00:24:26,123
- We're still gonna burn the sofa though.
- Yes.
432
00:24:26,167 --> 00:24:29,079
- So what's your good news?
- Ah, Susan, it's amazing.
433
00:24:29,127 --> 00:24:32,085
- What is?
- Look, I met this bloke in the pub...
434
00:24:32,127 --> 00:24:33,924
What have you bought?
435
00:24:33,967 --> 00:24:35,764
No, it was a real revelation.
436
00:24:35,807 --> 00:24:40,005
This bloke was as miserable as me
and he doesn't even have kids.
437
00:24:40,047 --> 00:24:42,083
Yeah! Then it hit me, you see.
438
00:24:42,127 --> 00:24:44,436
The kids are not a problem, Susan.
439
00:24:44,487 --> 00:24:46,364
It's me!
440
00:24:47,087 --> 00:24:48,884
At last!
441
00:24:50,207 --> 00:24:51,959
You see? I'm the problem.
442
00:24:52,007 --> 00:24:55,079
If Michael can be born again, so can I.
443
00:24:55,127 --> 00:25:00,997
From now on, darling, I am going to be
open-hearted, warm, loving, giving, generous.
444
00:25:01,047 --> 00:25:02,924
The man in the pub...
445
00:25:02,967 --> 00:25:04,764
it was drugs wasn't it?
446
00:25:09,087 --> 00:25:11,203
- Janey?
- What?
447
00:25:13,367 --> 00:25:17,758
Darling, last night I discovered something.
448
00:25:17,807 --> 00:25:21,277
All right, dad, look I didn't drop out
I was thrown out, OK?
449
00:25:21,327 --> 00:25:22,840
You did...
450
00:25:23,887 --> 00:25:25,878
good, you did good.
451
00:25:25,927 --> 00:25:29,044
It's important, Janey,
for all of us to follow our hearts.
452
00:25:30,287 --> 00:25:32,403
Is that it, or was there something else?
453
00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:35,757
I want to welcome you back
into the bosom of our family
454
00:25:35,807 --> 00:25:41,359
and I want you to know that whatever law it is
that you've broken, we... will protect you.
455
00:25:41,407 --> 00:25:44,319
And there's a room here for you and everything.
456
00:25:44,367 --> 00:25:47,518
- Do you really mean that, Dad?
- Yes.
457
00:25:47,567 --> 00:25:52,800
Janey, please stay in our house, please.
458
00:25:53,727 --> 00:25:55,126
Are you joking?
459
00:25:55,167 --> 00:25:58,955
Why would I want to do that?
I found a flat to rent, a couple of streets away.
460
00:25:59,007 --> 00:26:01,043
- What?
- What?
461
00:26:01,087 --> 00:26:04,397
Yeah, I can come and go as I please,
without being interrogated,
462
00:26:04,447 --> 00:26:06,278
and you're close enough to baby-sit.
463
00:26:06,327 --> 00:26:08,841
Janey, how are you going to pay the rent?
464
00:26:08,887 --> 00:26:10,559
Well, don't ask me, ask Dad.
465
00:26:11,967 --> 00:26:14,197
And I need a deposit
and the first month in advance.
466
00:26:14,247 --> 00:26:16,124
Right! That's it!
467
00:26:16,167 --> 00:26:18,920
No more Mr Pretending To Be Nice Guy!
468
00:26:18,967 --> 00:26:23,199
I'm not going to hell, Susan, I'm already there.
Things couldn't get any worse.
469
00:26:23,247 --> 00:26:25,044
Dad, the police are here.
470
00:26:28,727 --> 00:26:30,718
It's all right, I'll handle it.
471
00:26:32,247 --> 00:26:35,159
Hello, there. Can I help you?
472
00:26:36,327 --> 00:26:38,124
I think you know why we're here.
473
00:26:38,887 --> 00:26:41,242
You find my umbrella?
474
00:26:41,887 --> 00:26:44,560
No more games, Mrs Harper,
we know she's been here.
475
00:26:44,607 --> 00:26:47,246
All right, all right, I won't lie to you again.
476
00:26:48,287 --> 00:26:51,085
She moved to Australia and then she died.
477
00:26:53,127 --> 00:26:55,322
- She's in the kitchen.
- (Janey) Mum!
478
00:26:57,127 --> 00:26:59,687
- Janey.
- Gareth.
479
00:26:59,727 --> 00:27:01,524
I told you, it's over.
480
00:27:01,567 --> 00:27:03,797
I thought we had something special.
481
00:27:03,847 --> 00:27:06,486
- We had a fling.
- But it could be so much more.
482
00:27:06,527 --> 00:27:09,837
Look, I'm sorry... it was the uniform.
483
00:27:09,887 --> 00:27:13,596
When you got promoted to plain clothes,
it just wasn't the same.
484
00:27:13,647 --> 00:27:17,356
Right, I see, if that's the way it is.
485
00:27:17,847 --> 00:27:19,644
Come on, Spencer.
486
00:27:26,367 --> 00:27:28,358
Spencer!
487
00:27:30,647 --> 00:27:35,198
Janey, this policeman was just
some old fling that you dumped?
488
00:27:35,247 --> 00:27:37,238
How could you? I...
489
00:27:37,287 --> 00:27:40,006
He must be earning 30 grand a year,
plus overtime.
490
00:27:40,047 --> 00:27:41,844
Janey, why didn't you tell us?
491
00:27:41,887 --> 00:27:46,199
Because if you knew it was just a boyfriend,
you'd never have covered up for me.
492
00:27:46,247 --> 00:27:49,205
That's why you're such great parents
and I love you.
493
00:27:49,247 --> 00:27:53,286
- You're not getting around us that way.
- Ohh, my little Janey.
494
00:27:53,327 --> 00:27:56,160
You fall for it every time!
495
00:27:57,047 --> 00:27:59,686
Ben, I got a friend to fix your car.
496
00:28:00,407 --> 00:28:02,682
Hello!
497
00:28:07,127 --> 00:28:09,721
Ah, Mikey, off to church are we?
498
00:28:09,767 --> 00:28:11,644
No, Blockbusters.
499
00:28:12,087 --> 00:28:14,885
- What?
- Well, I'm finished with religion.
500
00:28:14,927 --> 00:28:17,043
Mikey, how could you?
501
00:28:17,087 --> 00:28:21,319
You were so devout, so... annoying.
What happened?
502
00:28:21,367 --> 00:28:24,359
Well, there was this quad bike I really wanted.
503
00:28:24,407 --> 00:28:28,400
I prayed really hard all week,
end of the week comes - no quad bike.
504
00:28:28,447 --> 00:28:30,881
Doesn't make sense. I'm through with God.
505
00:28:30,927 --> 00:28:35,398
Michael, religion isn't about personal gain.
506
00:28:35,447 --> 00:28:38,166
Dad, stop preaching at me.
39523
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