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1
00:00:16,940 --> 00:00:19,010
- I hate you.
- No, that's my line.
2
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:23,651
- I said it first.
- I am never taking you shopping again.
3
00:00:23,740 --> 00:00:26,777
- Ooh, scary.
- Did you have fun, dear?
4
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:32,218
It is the general consensus that Dad is
the most embarrassing being on earth.
5
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,495
Michael,
general consensus is redundant.
6
00:00:34,580 --> 00:00:39,051
It's the consensus that your father's
the most embarrassing being on earth.
7
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:42,530
I cancelled a patient
so I could ferry you around.
8
00:00:42,620 --> 00:00:48,058
I could have been lancing Mr Potter's
lower gum and having a better time.
9
00:00:49,180 --> 00:00:50,932
Don't ask me what happened.
10
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:55,779
We were at PC World, right,
looking at computers.
11
00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:58,852
The next minute, bang, he's gone.
Disappeared.
12
00:00:58,940 --> 00:01:01,818
- Did he run away?
- I wish.
13
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:06,178
- He was sulking in the car.
- What did you do this time?
14
00:01:06,260 --> 00:01:10,492
- Why d'you make it sound like my fault?
- Experience.
15
00:01:10,580 --> 00:01:16,052
Susan, all I did was devote the entire
afternoon to our charming little boy.
16
00:01:16,140 --> 00:01:19,337
I took him to the shops,
chatted to his friends...
17
00:01:19,420 --> 00:01:23,811
- Oh.
- I swear to you I said nothing wrong.
18
00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:28,576
Nothing. I just said, "Hi, I'm
Michael's dad. What's that game about?"
19
00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:32,255
- That was all.
- (Michael) And his flies were open.
20
00:01:34,140 --> 00:01:36,131
Do you think I did that on purpose?
21
00:01:36,220 --> 00:01:40,099
Look at computers
and flash a couple of spotty oiks?
22
00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:42,455
Your oiks aren't spotty, dear.
23
00:01:43,780 --> 00:01:45,532
Why did we have them?
24
00:01:45,620 --> 00:01:50,774
I believe it had something to do with
wanting to show me a good time.
25
00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:54,091
- Well, I was wrong.
- You were then, too.
26
00:01:57,340 --> 00:01:59,695
- What's that?
- I'm writing Janey a letter.
27
00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:01,736
Oh, they've cut off her phone, then?
28
00:02:01,820 --> 00:02:06,336
We write all the time. It's a civilised
and unhurried way of communicating.
29
00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:11,173
- So when did they cut off her phone?
- Yesterday.
30
00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:16,971
- You'd better send her a cheque.
- He is... quite impossible.
31
00:02:17,060 --> 00:02:19,176
And secretive.
32
00:02:19,260 --> 00:02:23,048
I was tidying up his room
and found this... ahem... his desk.
33
00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:30,617
Was that "Ahem... on his desk"
or "Ahem... in his desk"?
34
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:32,656
- Does it matter?
- In court, yes.
35
00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:36,210
One's invasion of privacy,
the other's being sneaky.
36
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:39,053
What you call being sneaky
I call being a parent.
37
00:02:39,140 --> 00:02:43,656
You can't snoop through his drawers.
We might have to deal with something.
38
00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:45,378
- Like this.
- Oh, God.
39
00:02:45,460 --> 00:02:49,169
It's from his school,
it's addressed to us and he's hidden it.
40
00:02:49,260 --> 00:02:53,139
- What does that tell you?
- That he doesn't want us to find it.
41
00:02:55,060 --> 00:02:59,895
It's inviting us to a fundraiser
for the drama course Michael's joined.
42
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:03,575
- An auction of promises.
- That's what we have to deal with?
43
00:03:03,660 --> 00:03:05,855
Isn't that enough? He hid it from us.
44
00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:10,411
Finding crack cocaine in his desk,
we'd have to deal with.
45
00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:12,809
Finding a ransom note,
we'd have to deal with.
46
00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:18,338
Finding a naked picture of
Ewan McGregor, you'd have to deal with.
47
00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:21,378
- You're missing the point.
- I try.
48
00:03:21,460 --> 00:03:27,296
He doesn't want us to go because
somebody's an embarrassing parent.
49
00:03:27,380 --> 00:03:31,339
- All I did was hang out with his friends.
- Literally.
50
00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:33,695
- Susan.
- Michael!
51
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:36,374
- No.
- Shh.
52
00:03:36,460 --> 00:03:38,849
Michael, it's all right, he's left the room.
53
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:45,770
- He's still here.
- No, I'm sulking in the car.
54
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:49,579
Michael, why have you
hidden this from us?
55
00:03:49,660 --> 00:03:52,174
- I don't want to talk about it.
- You have to.
56
00:03:52,260 --> 00:03:54,330
I took a course in sensitivity training.
57
00:03:54,420 --> 00:03:57,332
- You dropped out.
- Because I already knew everything.
58
00:03:57,420 --> 00:03:58,614
Forget it.
59
00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:03,569
If you don't want to discuss this, we'll
discuss the other things in your desk.
60
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:06,811
Those magazines were Nick's.
61
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:10,973
Michael, your mother can go
to the auction on her own, OK,
62
00:04:11,060 --> 00:04:14,894
if I'm one of the most
embarrassing parents on the earth.
63
00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:17,210
No, cos she's the other one.
64
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:21,890
Don't... touch me.
65
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,855
- We're losing him, Ben.
- Yep.
66
00:04:26,940 --> 00:04:29,738
Two down, only Nick to go.
67
00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:34,177
This is a cry for help. When Michael says
he doesn't want us to go to the auction...
68
00:04:34,260 --> 00:04:36,171
- He doesn't want us to go.
- No.
69
00:04:36,260 --> 00:04:39,411
What he says and what he means
are two different things.
70
00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:42,253
He gets that from his mother's side.
71
00:04:42,340 --> 00:04:45,218
Don't blame me.
It's you who embarrasses him.
72
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:49,054
Do you have selective deafness?
He said you were an embarrassment too.
73
00:04:49,140 --> 00:04:52,416
- You're a bigger embarrassment.
- Is this a competition?
74
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,253
- No, of course not. But you win.
- Ye...
75
00:04:57,420 --> 00:05:02,619
Susan, read my lips.
Michael does not want us to go.
76
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:04,736
Well, read my lips. We're going.
77
00:05:04,820 --> 00:05:08,813
Susan, no. I am not going
to some stupid school auction
78
00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:13,178
to pay for some polenta-loving earth
mother to feng-shui my personal space.
79
00:05:13,260 --> 00:05:16,969
She won't have any problem
finding your toxic corner.
80
00:05:20,780 --> 00:05:23,089
- Ben...
- Oh, please. Stop it.
81
00:05:23,180 --> 00:05:26,809
These things are a chance for
so-called parents to show off their jobs.
82
00:05:26,900 --> 00:05:29,368
Well, I'm proud of my job.
83
00:05:29,460 --> 00:05:32,258
Maybe I'll donate
a tour of celebrity graves.
84
00:05:32,340 --> 00:05:34,900
Take people
round the churchyards of London.
85
00:05:34,980 --> 00:05:40,134
Karl Marx in Highgate, Mary
Wollstonecraft in St Pancras churchyard.
86
00:05:40,220 --> 00:05:42,176
- What do you think?
- Mm.
87
00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:46,697
Never has the phrase deadly boring
been more appropriate.
88
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:50,250
What have you got to offer?
A lecture on brushing?
89
00:05:50,340 --> 00:05:53,377
New theories on up and down?
90
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:58,609
I might be able to pledge
something that people really want.
91
00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:00,452
Oh. Like what?
92
00:06:00,540 --> 00:06:02,576
A session in scale, clean and polish.
93
00:06:02,660 --> 00:06:04,616
(Snores)
94
00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:07,611
OK, two sessions.
95
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:10,692
- Fine, I'll tell them in the morning.
- You will not.
96
00:06:10,780 --> 00:06:13,340
- Good night.
- I... No...
97
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,657
30, thank you. Do I have 35?
98
00:06:17,740 --> 00:06:19,970
35, thank you, sir. 40?
99
00:06:20,940 --> 00:06:25,968
Surely I hear L40 somewhere for
Mr Greevy's power tool safety course?
100
00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:29,416
- Why are you smirking?
- Have you seen the nonsense on offer?
101
00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:33,334
"Two free organ lessons. Impress
your friends at all the weddings."
102
00:06:33,420 --> 00:06:37,811
Oh. "Grow your own cheese kit.
Feast on your own Brie."
103
00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:41,415
You're jealous you don't have
a hobby that benefits anybody else.
104
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:44,094
- I play golf.
- You own clubs.
105
00:06:45,620 --> 00:06:49,329
- Don't look.
- Where? Where? Where?
106
00:06:49,420 --> 00:06:52,457
What part of "don't look"
did you confuse with "look"?
107
00:06:52,540 --> 00:06:57,773
I have to see what not to look at, or I'd
look by mistake and destroy your life.
108
00:06:59,860 --> 00:07:02,294
It's a former patient
I don't want to talk to.
109
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:06,453
- You'll have to narrow it down a bit.
- It's Mr Spufford.
110
00:07:06,540 --> 00:07:08,292
He's got terrible breath.
111
00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:11,895
Every time I went to examine him
he'd open his mouth to talk
112
00:07:11,980 --> 00:07:14,289
and I was the one
who had to rinse and spit.
113
00:07:14,380 --> 00:07:16,530
At least he's not your patient any more.
114
00:07:16,620 --> 00:07:20,090
No, because he's
on the surgery blacklist.
115
00:07:20,180 --> 00:07:23,377
What, like poor old Miss Neville
and her glass eye?
116
00:07:23,460 --> 00:07:27,214
- You can't veto your patients.
- Why not? Enough of them veto me.
117
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:29,973
I can't work with that eye watching me.
118
00:07:30,060 --> 00:07:31,812
Thank you, madam.
119
00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:34,937
Our next lot in the catalogue
is a late entry
120
00:07:35,020 --> 00:07:38,251
and it's a tour
of London's theatrical heritage.
121
00:07:38,340 --> 00:07:41,571
- That's me. Wish me luck.
- Very topical, I'm sure you agree.
122
00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:44,220
Kindly donated by Michael's mother,
Mrs Harper.
123
00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:47,690
Shall we start off at, say, L25?
Do I hear 25? 25.
124
00:07:47,780 --> 00:07:50,374
Do I hear 30? Thank you, sir.
125
00:07:50,460 --> 00:07:52,576
Do I hear 35?
126
00:07:52,660 --> 00:07:55,572
I hear this is a wonderful tour.
127
00:07:55,660 --> 00:07:58,458
There's a rumour's
that you meet the Queen.
128
00:07:58,540 --> 00:08:00,531
- (Auctioneer) 45, thank you.
- L50.
129
00:08:00,620 --> 00:08:02,690
L50.
130
00:08:03,620 --> 00:08:05,770
- Mr Harper?
- (lnhales)
131
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:08,499
I thought it was you.
132
00:08:08,580 --> 00:08:11,572
- How nice to see you here.
- (Auctioneer) 55.
133
00:08:12,540 --> 00:08:15,577
I've been trying
to make an appointment with you
134
00:08:15,660 --> 00:08:20,609
but your assistant tells me you're
fully booked for the next three years.
135
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,975
I'm sure you can squeeze me in,
can't you?
136
00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:24,812
(Auctioneer) 60.
137
00:08:24,900 --> 00:08:29,052
- Is everything OK? You look flushed.
- (Coughs)
138
00:08:29,140 --> 00:08:32,257
- L70 with the gentleman in the blazer.
- No. No.
139
00:08:32,340 --> 00:08:34,934
- 75. 80.
- That's the spirit.
140
00:08:35,020 --> 00:08:37,488
- Nice to do something for the kids.
- (Coughing)
141
00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:42,176
So at L95, going once, going twice...
142
00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:44,216
Sold to Mr and Mrs Brenning,
143
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:47,975
whose daughter Kate will play the part
of Nerissa, the maid,
144
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:49,812
in our latest production.
145
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:52,289
Yes! Did you see that?
146
00:08:52,380 --> 00:08:55,417
A close-run thing
between the Brennings and the Bushells.
147
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,570
- This is such a buzz.
- Isn't it just?
148
00:08:57,660 --> 00:08:59,616
Whoa!
149
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:02,612
You must be Mr... Spufford.
150
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:07,137
- Yeah. How did you know?
- Ben was just telling me about the...
151
00:09:07,220 --> 00:09:12,010
You'll have to excuse me. I promised
to speak to somebody way over there.
152
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:16,059
I'm sure my diary will free up sometime,
so keep trying.
153
00:09:16,140 --> 00:09:20,019
In the meantime,
keep doing a lot of brushing. OK?
154
00:09:22,780 --> 00:09:26,739
Isn't it brilliant? L95 for my tour.
155
00:09:26,820 --> 00:09:29,288
Hm! Suckers!
156
00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:33,931
So, moving along now, a pledge
you won't find in your catalogues.
157
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:36,454
A contribution of dental services.
158
00:09:36,540 --> 00:09:38,496
Hey-hey! That's me.
159
00:09:38,580 --> 00:09:43,096
Who will start me off for a complete
session of clean, scale and polish...
160
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:47,810
donated by Ben Harper?
161
00:09:49,620 --> 00:09:51,576
Susan? Susan? Susan?
162
00:09:51,660 --> 00:09:55,175
Come, now, parents.
This is for the children.
163
00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:57,330
Surely someone will start me off.
164
00:09:57,420 --> 00:09:59,376
- L10.
- Thank you, sir. L10.
165
00:10:00,380 --> 00:10:01,938
Susan. Susan.
166
00:10:02,020 --> 00:10:06,218
The Queen? I heard that rumour too.
I have no idea where it started.
167
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:09,258
L10? Is that all I have?
168
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:13,258
Very well. Going once, going twice...
169
00:10:13,340 --> 00:10:15,570
(Nasal voice) L50.
170
00:10:15,660 --> 00:10:17,969
I have L50 bid.
171
00:10:18,060 --> 00:10:20,574
L50 and five pence.
172
00:10:20,660 --> 00:10:24,778
- L55.
- L55 and five pence.
173
00:10:24,860 --> 00:10:27,010
- L80.
- L80 bid.
174
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:30,217
L80 and five pence.
175
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:34,657
- L100.
- And five pence.
176
00:10:34,740 --> 00:10:36,776
L150.
177
00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:40,170
Do I have any advance on L150,
ladies and gentlemen?
178
00:10:40,260 --> 00:10:44,458
L150 and three pence.
179
00:10:44,540 --> 00:10:47,737
- L500.
- L500 and...
180
00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:49,492
L1,000.
181
00:10:52,420 --> 00:10:54,376
Sir?
182
00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:58,093
No, forget it. He's not worth it.
183
00:10:58,180 --> 00:11:02,412
That's an amazing L1,000.
Surely a record for this auction.
184
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:05,537
Going once, going twice...
185
00:11:05,620 --> 00:11:08,498
Sold to the man over...
186
00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:11,777
Crouching behind that vaulting horse.
187
00:11:17,580 --> 00:11:19,536
(Susan laughs)
188
00:11:22,660 --> 00:11:25,652
I hope you're not writing to Janey
about the auction.
189
00:11:25,740 --> 00:11:28,015
No, no, of course not.
190
00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:32,139
- How do you spell Spufford?
- Fine. Go on, humiliate me.
191
00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:34,734
OK. Spufford.
192
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,288
- Write your own letter.
- She never writes to me.
193
00:11:37,380 --> 00:11:41,293
- You never write to her.
- I wrote this morning. Heh-heh.
194
00:11:42,420 --> 00:11:44,456
I sent her a parental haiku.
195
00:11:45,820 --> 00:11:48,812
"Enclosed is cheque.
You bleed me dry. Stop it."
196
00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:54,251
I hope you'll include
how out of control you were tonight.
197
00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:57,969
I wasn't out of control.
I got into the spirit of the evening.
198
00:11:58,060 --> 00:12:01,018
You were high as a kite,
like an auction junkie.
199
00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:05,332
- I bid on a few things.
- Every item is not "a few things".
200
00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:09,971
- But I won.
- We didn't win. We paid for everything.
201
00:12:10,060 --> 00:12:12,016
All my lots put together
202
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:17,015
wouldn't even come close to the L1,000
you shelled out on your own pledge.
203
00:12:18,140 --> 00:12:20,096
At least I got something useful.
204
00:12:20,180 --> 00:12:23,889
A year's supply of pet food.
We don't even have a pet.
205
00:12:23,980 --> 00:12:27,859
I was going to bid on the dog
until you started screaming like a girl.
206
00:12:27,940 --> 00:12:31,774
A personalised family headstone.
207
00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:36,331
I don't want to be buried with you lot.
Living with you is bad enough.
208
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:40,617
- And the colonic irrigation.
- We were outbid on that.
209
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:42,930
Oh, I'm so disappointed.
210
00:12:43,020 --> 00:12:48,253
- I won the couples' therapy session.
- We do not need couples' therapy.
211
00:12:48,340 --> 00:12:50,058
I think it would benefit us.
212
00:12:50,140 --> 00:12:53,496
It's a cathartic experience
unburdening yourself to a stranger.
213
00:12:53,580 --> 00:12:56,048
But you didn't win the colonic irrigation.
214
00:12:56,140 --> 00:13:01,373
- The therapy.
- I am the last person to need therapy.
215
00:13:07,380 --> 00:13:10,656
- Should I read something into that?
- Absolutely not.
216
00:13:10,740 --> 00:13:12,696
I have to write this down.
217
00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:16,256
So...
218
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:20,809
You think I need therapy, huh?
219
00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:27,133
- Well, you do have, erm... issues.
- I do not.
220
00:13:27,220 --> 00:13:28,573
- You do.
- I do not.
221
00:13:28,660 --> 00:13:31,299
I've paid for this therapy
and I'm not wasting it.
222
00:13:31,380 --> 00:13:34,531
It would be like cooking a meal
and tipping it into the bin.
223
00:13:34,620 --> 00:13:37,453
That's not a waste, that's a reprieve.
224
00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:40,976
See, right there. Issues. Hostility.
225
00:13:41,060 --> 00:13:44,814
My hostility is my comfort blanket
in a world conspiring against me.
226
00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:48,415
- And paranoia.
- Susan, we are not going to therapy.
227
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:53,016
I am not baring my soul to some quack
because you won it in an auction.
228
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:56,331
Fine, fine, fine. I'll just go by myself.
229
00:13:56,420 --> 00:13:59,776
- Oh, good. Thank you.
- I'll bare your soul.
230
00:13:59,860 --> 00:14:01,213
- No...
- Good night.
231
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:05,373
I knew I should have bid
for that divorce lawyer.
232
00:14:16,260 --> 00:14:18,899
You don't have to leave because of me.
233
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,818
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't. Come here.
234
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:27,612
Your mother and I went
to your school auction tonight.
235
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:31,454
Why? Because I asked you not to?
Why don't you listen to me?
236
00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:37,376
Michael, it's OK. It's cool. We didn't
do anything to embarrass you. Nothing.
237
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:40,452
I paid L1,000 to clean my own teeth.
238
00:14:44,620 --> 00:14:47,293
Your mother bought
a personalised headstone
239
00:14:47,380 --> 00:14:51,009
and a year's supply of dog food.
240
00:14:52,060 --> 00:14:54,290
Great. They'll call me Dog Food Boy now.
241
00:14:54,380 --> 00:15:00,933
Count yourself lucky. You were this
close to being the Colonic Irrigation Kid.
242
00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:08,133
Lawrence, you're my therapist. Why
would a therapist lie to her therapist?
243
00:15:08,220 --> 00:15:11,417
If I say I haven't had a cigarette
in three days, I haven't...
244
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:14,856
What do you mean, you can hear me?
What are you, a bat?
245
00:15:16,100 --> 00:15:19,536
No, I'm not exhaling.
That's the air conditioning.
246
00:15:19,620 --> 00:15:22,771
Oh, fine. There.
Crush, crush, crush, crush, crush.
247
00:15:22,860 --> 00:15:27,138
Hear that? Happy now?
No, I don't need the patch.
248
00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:31,452
Lawrence, I'm a professional.
I don't need a crutch every...
249
00:15:31,540 --> 00:15:34,054
Right. Fine.
250
00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:36,574
I'm putting it on.
251
00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:40,255
You want to listen to that too?
Will that turn you on?
252
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:43,776
- (Buzzer)
- Oops, got to go. There's my 11 o'clock.
253
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:48,217
No, I'm not avoiding the issue.
I just don't want to talk about it.
254
00:15:52,140 --> 00:15:54,096
(Blowing)
255
00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:04,498
- Hello, Mrs Harper.
- Not late, not early, just right on time.
256
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:07,174
Not over-eager, not resistant.
257
00:16:07,260 --> 00:16:10,650
- Are you writing that down?
- I'll make a mental note.
258
00:16:10,740 --> 00:16:13,095
It's OK. I'll remember.
259
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:19,368
Are you joining us?
260
00:16:19,460 --> 00:16:23,135
Don't worry, Mr Harper.
The first step is always the hardest.
261
00:16:23,220 --> 00:16:25,176
- No, it isn't.
- Excuse me?
262
00:16:25,260 --> 00:16:28,935
The first step is simply the warm-up
to the indignities of step two
263
00:16:29,020 --> 00:16:33,935
and doesn't come close to preparing you
for the hell of steps three and beyond.
264
00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:37,217
- That's a very negative view of therapy.
- No life.
265
00:16:38,260 --> 00:16:41,297
Ooh! This is going to be fun.
266
00:16:41,380 --> 00:16:45,293
This is an interesting piece. Makes me
think of movement, of soaring.
267
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,656
- Like an expressionist dance.
- It's an Aboriginal phallus.
268
00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:51,812
Ah. My second choice.
269
00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:55,097
And please, don't touch my things.
Thank you.
270
00:16:56,540 --> 00:16:59,134
Why don't we take a seat
and get started?
271
00:17:08,020 --> 00:17:10,250
- Ha!
- Sorry, what's so funny?
272
00:17:10,340 --> 00:17:15,130
Where you chose to sit. The beanbag
symbolises your frustrated inner child.
273
00:17:15,220 --> 00:17:18,337
It symbolises it's closest to the door.
274
00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:22,698
Explain to him that every choice in here
reveals a subconscious desire.
275
00:17:22,780 --> 00:17:25,419
- That's my chair.
- Ah, right.
276
00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:29,969
Why not take the couch?
277
00:17:30,060 --> 00:17:32,369
The couch.
278
00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:45,417
Should I remove my shoes? This is my
first time and I didn't expect "the couch".
279
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:48,890
- To "sit on"?
- Oh, right.
280
00:17:52,660 --> 00:17:54,412
Susan...
281
00:17:55,260 --> 00:17:59,538
Susan, the beanbag
doesn't look so foolish now, does it?
282
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,737
Oh, for God's sake, take the chair.
283
00:18:02,820 --> 00:18:04,811
No, I like the couch.
284
00:18:05,820 --> 00:18:09,256
Sorry. I'm sorry.
It's been a rough morning.
285
00:18:09,340 --> 00:18:12,013
Do you want to talk about it?
286
00:18:12,100 --> 00:18:15,251
Yes. For the past three...
287
00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:20,497
- You're good.
- Thank you.
288
00:18:20,580 --> 00:18:22,969
I don't think that's a compliment.
289
00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:27,815
- Are you trying to embarrass me?
- No, it's fairly effortless.
290
00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:30,368
- Just...
- What?
291
00:18:30,460 --> 00:18:34,135
And bring my hidden child
next to your hidden Fuhrer?
292
00:18:34,220 --> 00:18:38,452
Fine. Sit alone, sleep alone. In hospital.
293
00:18:38,540 --> 00:18:41,134
Right.
294
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,138
So, Mr and Mrs Harper...
295
00:18:49,220 --> 00:18:51,495
- Sit here.
- What difference does it make?
296
00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:55,778
I want to be near the tissues
in case I start to cry.
297
00:18:58,020 --> 00:19:00,693
OK?
298
00:19:00,780 --> 00:19:02,850
Oh, Susan, please.
299
00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:06,899
- Move over. Out of my way.
- For God's sake!
300
00:19:12,980 --> 00:19:16,495
We're halfway through
and you've almost decided where to sit.
301
00:19:16,580 --> 00:19:17,774
That's a record.
302
00:19:17,860 --> 00:19:21,375
- He started it.
- You're trying to control everything.
303
00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:23,212
- I am not.
- Yes, you are.
304
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:28,169
My wife... My wife is a total control freak.
305
00:19:28,260 --> 00:19:31,730
We will rendezvous at the cinema
at precisely 1900 hours
306
00:19:31,820 --> 00:19:35,654
and marshal our forces for an assault
on Carluccio's at 2140.
307
00:19:35,740 --> 00:19:39,574
We have no reservation so you will likely
have to lay down your life to get in.
308
00:19:39,660 --> 00:19:42,936
Small sacrifice,
but his cream truffle sauce is worth it.
309
00:19:43,020 --> 00:19:47,810
Yes, ma'am. Carluccio's 2140.
Attack head waiter, get table. Sir!
310
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:50,289
Call that a response,
you horrible little man?
311
00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:52,848
- Get down and give me 50.
- Yes, ma'am.
312
00:19:54,580 --> 00:19:56,650
Two... three...
313
00:19:56,740 --> 00:19:59,777
Is that how you see me?
No, don't even answer.
314
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,656
I am a saint.
315
00:20:04,740 --> 00:20:08,858
(American accent) Ben, honey,
I thought you might like a snack
316
00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:11,295
so I whipped up your favourite
317
00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:15,339
and I'll feed it to you myself, by hand,
318
00:20:15,420 --> 00:20:18,253
so you don't even have to move.
319
00:20:19,220 --> 00:20:21,609
(Belches) Get outta here.
320
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,852
- You're insane.
- I'm not.
321
00:20:24,940 --> 00:20:27,249
- You never bring me snacks.
- Yesterday.
322
00:20:27,340 --> 00:20:30,013
- (TV on)
- Ben, could you open this?
323
00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:33,576
Thank you.
324
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,456
That's not bringing me a snack.
325
00:20:36,540 --> 00:20:39,896
Olives are snack food.
I brought them to you. Case closed.
326
00:20:39,980 --> 00:20:43,450
Why don't we start with
simpler questions, like your names?
327
00:20:43,540 --> 00:20:45,735
- Ben and Susan Harper.
- No, it's not.
328
00:20:45,820 --> 00:20:47,776
- What?
- Excuse me just a moment.
329
00:20:47,860 --> 00:20:53,457
- What are you talking about?
- (Susan whispers)
330
00:20:55,300 --> 00:20:58,053
So your name is not Susan Harper?
331
00:20:58,140 --> 00:21:02,497
- No, Harper is my slave name.
- Oh, my God.
332
00:21:02,580 --> 00:21:04,730
I wanted to keep my name
at our wedding
333
00:21:04,820 --> 00:21:07,573
but a male-dominated society
insisted I change it.
334
00:21:07,660 --> 00:21:10,857
- I thought you liked Harper.
- It's nothing personal.
335
00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:15,536
But I liked my name. It was like
a comfortable and cosy home.
336
00:21:15,620 --> 00:21:19,499
I feel when I got married
I was evicted from it.
337
00:21:19,580 --> 00:21:24,813
An exile to live in a hovel
in a swamp filled with surly lizards.
338
00:21:27,580 --> 00:21:30,174
What part
shouldn't I take personally here?
339
00:21:30,260 --> 00:21:35,698
So what, Susan... X, is your real name?
340
00:21:35,780 --> 00:21:38,613
- Susan Ryman.
- Your maiden name is Riggs.
341
00:21:38,700 --> 00:21:40,656
Maiden name?
342
00:21:40,740 --> 00:21:42,696
Good. Follow that thought.
343
00:21:42,780 --> 00:21:45,294
I'm going back to the beanbag. It's safer.
344
00:21:45,380 --> 00:21:48,611
Will you relax?
We're trying to get somewhere.
345
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:50,656
So am I. Out.
346
00:21:51,700 --> 00:21:53,656
So why is your inner name Ryman?
347
00:21:53,740 --> 00:21:58,211
Harper was his name, Riggs was my
father but Ryman was my grandmother.
348
00:21:58,300 --> 00:22:02,816
- She chose it herself. No men involved.
- She was reared by wolves.
349
00:22:03,860 --> 00:22:07,091
Do you want to be constructive
or sit there carping?
350
00:22:07,180 --> 00:22:10,252
I'll sit here carping.
I come from a long line of carpers.
351
00:22:10,340 --> 00:22:13,173
It's where the name Harper originated,
you know.
352
00:22:13,260 --> 00:22:16,138
Well, I think name is pretty well covered.
353
00:22:16,220 --> 00:22:18,814
We'll skip address
since we only have an hour.
354
00:22:18,900 --> 00:22:21,016
Excuse me just a moment.
355
00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:23,056
- Ryman?
- In my heart.
356
00:22:23,140 --> 00:22:25,973
In your heart, yeah.
Ryman, not Rywoman?
357
00:22:29,860 --> 00:22:32,818
I saw a television programme
about therapy once
358
00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:36,893
where patients smacked each other
with soft rubber mallets.
359
00:22:36,980 --> 00:22:39,653
Do we have any of those?
360
00:22:39,740 --> 00:22:42,095
Anything harder?
361
00:22:42,180 --> 00:22:44,296
So as we slouch on to Bethlehem
362
00:22:44,380 --> 00:22:47,053
we've chosen our seats,
we've learned our names...
363
00:22:47,140 --> 00:22:49,335
- Don't forget our children's names.
- God.
364
00:22:49,420 --> 00:22:54,540
- Nick, Janey and Michael.
- In our heart, Huey, Dewey and Louie.
365
00:22:56,700 --> 00:22:58,850
And they happen to be lovely.
366
00:22:58,940 --> 00:23:02,649
- Michael is my rock.
- I can't breathe.
367
00:23:02,740 --> 00:23:06,176
- Janey's an angel.
- I hate you!
368
00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:09,176
And Nick is...
369
00:23:11,660 --> 00:23:13,616
our eldest.
370
00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:14,849
I'm an astronaut.
371
00:23:14,940 --> 00:23:17,329
I'm forming
a motorcycle stunt display team.
372
00:23:17,420 --> 00:23:19,490
Sperm donor.
373
00:23:21,060 --> 00:23:23,654
- He's a pillock.
- He's finding himself.
374
00:23:26,020 --> 00:23:28,454
Ah. Unemployable.
375
00:23:28,540 --> 00:23:31,373
- That's normal?
- I have one of those at home.
376
00:23:31,460 --> 00:23:35,294
Slobs around all day making plans
and excuses till I'm ready to vomit.
377
00:23:35,380 --> 00:23:39,578
Frankly I don't know
why I married the man.
378
00:23:39,660 --> 00:23:41,412
But enough about me.
379
00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:43,536
Look at the time. We'd best get on.
380
00:23:43,620 --> 00:23:47,249
- I'm proud of our children.
- We have to be proud of our children.
381
00:23:47,340 --> 00:23:49,854
It's the only thing
that stops us killing them.
382
00:23:50,940 --> 00:23:55,809
It's been especially difficult
now that Janey's gone off to university.
383
00:23:57,620 --> 00:24:03,695
- Wow, that was one hungry caterpillar.
- Ben's gone off the deep end.
384
00:24:03,780 --> 00:24:07,170
We know what happened next.
The caterpillar turned into a moth.
385
00:24:07,260 --> 00:24:09,137
- Butterfly.
- Same thing.
386
00:24:09,220 --> 00:24:12,656
Maybe in your joyless world,
but to the rest of humanity...
387
00:24:12,740 --> 00:24:15,300
As I was saying...
388
00:24:23,180 --> 00:24:26,297
- And we are listening.
- You're not, you're talking.
389
00:24:26,380 --> 00:24:30,692
I'm listening in a collaborative fashion.
It's part of the therapeutic process.
390
00:24:30,780 --> 00:24:32,816
No, you're simply talking.
391
00:24:32,900 --> 00:24:35,619
I listen to it endlessly.
Talk, talk, talk.
392
00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:37,895
I thought therapy was the talking cure.
393
00:24:37,980 --> 00:24:41,097
And Birmingham
is the jewel of the Midlands.
394
00:24:43,500 --> 00:24:47,379
I've listened to you and your issues
are the same as everyone else's.
395
00:24:47,460 --> 00:24:49,416
It all comes down to sex.
396
00:24:51,580 --> 00:24:53,935
- I'm sorry?
- We haven't said a word about sex.
397
00:24:54,020 --> 00:24:56,978
Exactly. What are you avoiding,
Ben and Susan Harper?
398
00:24:57,060 --> 00:24:59,449
- I thought we agreed on Ryman.
- Stop that.
399
00:24:59,540 --> 00:25:02,930
I want to discuss the sexual fantasy
Ben brought up earlier.
400
00:25:04,220 --> 00:25:08,532
I don't think I mentioned
my sexual fantasy. Not that I have any.
401
00:25:08,620 --> 00:25:13,330
Susan dressed in military uniform
ordering you to do press-ups.
402
00:25:13,420 --> 00:25:16,969
- Please! That's comic exaggeration.
- I told you.
403
00:25:17,060 --> 00:25:21,258
So you say, Mr Harper, but there are
no jokes in the subconscious.
404
00:25:21,340 --> 00:25:25,015
- What are you avoiding?
- Talking about my sex life.
405
00:25:25,100 --> 00:25:29,332
Much as I enjoy seeing him squirm,
we agreed to cut to the chase
406
00:25:29,420 --> 00:25:32,810
and our sex life is fine, more than fine.
The rest of the day is hell.
407
00:25:32,900 --> 00:25:36,131
He's negative, argumentative
and won't acknowledge feelings
408
00:25:36,220 --> 00:25:40,133
except pretend glee that Janey's
left home, which is the issue he avoids.
409
00:25:40,220 --> 00:25:44,930
It's ridiculous and sad and, frankly,
after living together all these years,
410
00:25:45,020 --> 00:25:48,615
your silence on the subject
hurts my feelings.
411
00:25:52,020 --> 00:25:54,978
So you really think our sex life is great?
412
00:25:58,460 --> 00:26:03,409
- I said it was fine.
- No, you said it was more than fine.
413
00:26:03,500 --> 00:26:07,015
And in a world filled
with humiliation and despair,
414
00:26:07,100 --> 00:26:11,093
more than fine means great,
means the best we're gonna get.
415
00:26:13,140 --> 00:26:15,176
And you're wrong about Janey.
416
00:26:16,660 --> 00:26:19,379
I do think of her. Every day.
417
00:26:19,460 --> 00:26:22,133
Being gone. Every day.
418
00:26:24,020 --> 00:26:25,976
And I think back to her growing up
419
00:26:26,060 --> 00:26:31,498
and I think to myself
that I've never read her a bedtime story.
420
00:26:35,580 --> 00:26:39,016
- Do you want to talk about it?
- I just did.
421
00:26:40,060 --> 00:26:42,654
- Come to think of it...
- I'm sorry. Time's up.
422
00:26:42,740 --> 00:26:44,696
- I'd like to talk.
- It always happens.
423
00:26:44,780 --> 00:26:49,410
50 minutes of resistance and just as
the time's up, "Ooh, I have an insight."
424
00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:52,060
- I do have an insight.
- It won't last.
425
00:26:52,140 --> 00:26:55,212
- Thank you for your time.
- That didn't seem like 50 minutes.
426
00:26:55,300 --> 00:26:58,258
- It wasn't.
- Thank God for that. Come on.
427
00:26:59,900 --> 00:27:02,130
Oh, and, Doctor...
428
00:27:03,300 --> 00:27:06,212
Next time you try giving up,
do it on holiday.
429
00:27:06,300 --> 00:27:08,689
- I thought you gave up.
- You said the same.
430
00:27:08,780 --> 00:27:11,533
- But I did.
- Good. That packet was yours.
431
00:27:13,980 --> 00:27:18,098
"I'm sorry to say that Peter
was not very well during the evening.
432
00:27:20,740 --> 00:27:23,777
"His mother put him to bed
and made some camomile tea
433
00:27:23,860 --> 00:27:26,215
"and she gave a dose of it to Peter.
434
00:27:26,300 --> 00:27:29,451
"One tablespoon to be taken at bedtime.
435
00:27:29,540 --> 00:27:32,532
"But Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail
436
00:27:32,620 --> 00:27:35,692
"had bread and milk
and blackberries for supper.
437
00:27:35,780 --> 00:27:38,453
"The end."
438
00:27:38,540 --> 00:27:41,213
Good night, Janey. Good night.
439
00:27:42,620 --> 00:27:45,612
Did you read the whole thing
over the phone to her?
440
00:27:45,700 --> 00:27:49,454
Yeah, except she wasn't in,
so I read it to the answerphone.
441
00:27:49,540 --> 00:27:51,974
If she didn't like it, to hell with her.
442
00:27:52,060 --> 00:27:54,176
You silly old thing.
443
00:27:54,260 --> 00:27:57,889
Now you've put the children to bed,
I'm going to have to put you to bed.
444
00:27:57,980 --> 00:28:01,529
- It's way past your bedtime.
- Oh, really?
445
00:28:02,620 --> 00:28:04,929
And since I might have to punish you,
446
00:28:05,020 --> 00:28:09,935
I have slipped into something
a little more... constable.
447
00:28:10,980 --> 00:28:14,450
Hm. Sorry, am I supposed
to laugh at that?
448
00:28:14,540 --> 00:28:17,657
If you want to get your leg over, yes.
449
00:28:17,740 --> 00:28:19,776
- (Laughs)
- Attention!
450
00:28:19,860 --> 00:28:21,418
Sharp!
451
00:28:22,660 --> 00:28:24,616
Very good.
452
00:28:29,180 --> 00:28:31,136
Dad, I'm late for school.
453
00:28:31,220 --> 00:28:34,656
One more page. OK?
454
00:28:35,540 --> 00:28:39,453
On Friday, he ate through five oranges,
but he was still hungry.
455
00:28:39,540 --> 00:28:41,292
Mum, he's doing it again!
456
00:28:41,380 --> 00:28:45,339
And on Saturday he ate through
one piece of chocolate cake,
457
00:28:45,420 --> 00:28:47,888
one ice-cream cone, one pickle...
458
00:28:47,980 --> 00:28:50,289
(Michael) Mum!
38199
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