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1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:05,795
- Pass me the, erm?
- Half Hollenback?
2
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,075
Yes, thank you.
3
00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:13,433
Oh. Doing it like that, are you?
4
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:18,036
Yes, I'm doing it like that
because that's the way I do it.
5
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:21,795
It's just that I tend to favour
the Ward's carver myself but...
6
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,836
(Phone)
7
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,551
Are you going to answer that?
8
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,956
I suppose so.
9
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,756
What's up with him?
10
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:41,673
Let me put it this way.
Imagine you want to be a dentist.
11
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:45,639
You spend five years at dental school,
fail your final exam
12
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:49,110
and thus harbour
a deep resentment against dentists.
13
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,998
Where's the last place
you would like to work?
14
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,069
Oh.
15
00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,073
Hm. I see.
16
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,034
Would you mind
not standing quite so close?
17
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:08,159
I'm sorry. Just wanted to see
if some of the magic would rub off.
18
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:10,470
Find out "the big secret".
19
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,438
Oh, right. I see.
20
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,318
Gonna do it like that, are you?
21
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:35,278
- Hello, Nick. How was your day?
- Oh, the usual.
22
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:38,750
Got up, went to work, got sacked.
23
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:41,832
- You seem depressed.
- I know. I got sacked.
24
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:45,708
- You weren't the last time.
- But that was yesterday.
25
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,756
That's two days in a row.
26
00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:50,434
People will think I'm a useless layabout.
27
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:53,273
Why hasn't that useless layabout
got a job yet?
28
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:56,193
- That is his job.
- God, this new assistant!
29
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:59,750
God! Must be the most
irritating man I've ever met.
30
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,479
- Is this the Bulgarian?
- Try and keep up.
31
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,711
I've had three assistants
since the Bulgarian.
32
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,792
Take my advice.
Never employ a frustrated dentist.
33
00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,836
Or marry one.
34
00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:15,152
- She doesn't mean that.
- Did you mean "useless"?
35
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:17,071
- Yes.
- Oh, OK.
36
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,799
- Can I have some of that?
- No. It's 15 years old.
37
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,075
I don't mind.
38
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,520
If he's so annoying,
why don't you just sack him?
39
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,556
Are you kidding? Ha!
40
00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:34,838
This is the first time in my life
someone's been jealous of me.
41
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:36,990
- Oh?
- Oh, yeah. Don't you see?
42
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,470
I have arrived. Ha! It's too delicious.
43
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:45,156
- But he's got to go.
- Resentment loses its glitter.
44
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,708
I dread to think
who that agency will send next.
45
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,712
A one-eyed kleptomaniac
with Tourette's syndrome.
46
00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:54,759
Or you could... You could always try
the agency I've been using.
47
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:58,913
I don't really want a one-eyed
kleptomaniac with Tourette's.
48
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,434
- They're very good.
- How would you know?
49
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:05,308
Well, they fired me.
Called me "chronically unemployable".
50
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,277
They're perceptive, then.
51
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:10,193
Leave him alone.
His self-esteem is at rock bottom.
52
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,157
Then it's starting to match reality.
53
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,959
(Phone)
54
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,949
(Phone keeps ringing)
55
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,395
If that's Stupid Brian, I won't talk to him.
56
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:28,314
Hello? Hello?
57
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,280
I know you're there. I heard a clunk.
58
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:35,875
Yeah, that's Stupid Brian.
He's always dropping his mobile.
59
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,474
Oh, yes, she's here. I'll get her.
60
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:40,516
- It's Brian.
- No.
61
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,990
- No?
- We broke up. He must have forgotten.
62
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,833
- Well, tell him!
- No, it's over. You tell him.
63
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:49,275
I'm not... D...
64
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,590
Janey!
65
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,076
Hello? Er... Brian?
66
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:59,199
Er... No, it's not Janey. It's, erm...
67
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,952
It's her dad. Yeah.
68
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:08,079
Erm... She said she broke up
with you yesterday.
69
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,469
Yes, I'm afraid it is serious.
70
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,835
Oh, look, don't cry, Brian.
71
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:20,595
Brian, I really think this is for the best.
72
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:22,636
For both of us.
73
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:28,235
Yes, look... Yes, of course
we can still be friends.
74
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,915
Of course, Brian. Bye-bye, Brian.
75
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:36,152
Right. Anyone else want me
to perform an unpleasant task?
76
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:40,153
- Nick, want me to sign on for you?
- Oh, would you, Dad?
77
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,834
- Would you rub cream on my rash?
- (Phone)
78
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,549
What? Yes? Hello?
79
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:53,156
Janey! Someone called Mark!
Any messages you want passing on?
80
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:57,199
Like it's over or you're pregnant?
Sorry, Mark. Joke.
81
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,236
Hi, Mark. I was just thinking of you.
82
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,276
I've just had an idea.
83
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,238
Nick needs a job.
You need a new assistant.
84
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,710
- Both things are true.
- Well?
85
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,110
- What was the idea?
- What she's saying is...
86
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,351
I know what she's saying.
The answer is "In your dreams"
87
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,396
or "When hell freezes over."
88
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,869
Thank you for being so supportive.
89
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:21,394
There's supportive and there's insane.
90
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,392
You're undermining Nick's confidence.
91
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,950
- No, he's not.
- Yes, I am. You're too flaky to notice.
92
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,996
There you go again. Dig, dig, dig.
93
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:33,755
Do you wonder why he's turned out
so flaky, incompetent and lazy?
94
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,991
Actually, that does
undermine my confidence.
95
00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,310
It's because you don't trust him.
96
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,470
Give Nick a job and you'll be surprised.
97
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,710
Yeah, I'll be surprised.
98
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,314
There'll be bats flying out of my arse.
99
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:52,072
If you're so concerned,
why don't you give him a job?
100
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:58,277
- Because that's different.
- Why is it different?
101
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,430
(Laughs)
102
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:02,795
Game, set and match Ben Harper.
103
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,950
No. That was just the warm-up.
104
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:08,635
- Nick, come and work for me.
- What are the hours like?
105
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:12,190
- See? He doesn't want the job.
- Yes, I do.
106
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,236
- What?
- When do I start?
107
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,276
(Laughs)
108
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,877
- Nick, please pay attention.
- Sorry, Mum.
109
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,748
It's the first time I've had
a name badge since McDonald's.
110
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:31,070
It's good to be back.
111
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,116
Please concentrate.
112
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,272
We're taking a party of 40
on the London Heritage Walk.
113
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,636
All you have to do
is do exactly as I do.
114
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,950
- If you're unsure...
- I'll just wing it.
115
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,998
No. No. Just ask. Now...
116
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,714
Here's your umbrella.
117
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,554
This is your staff of office.
Your tour guide sceptre.
118
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:57,030
Actually, Mum, if Buzz Lightyear
doesn't know he's a toy,
119
00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,032
why doesn't he speak
when humans are around?
120
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,519
What?
121
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:04,433
You said to ask
if I wasn't sure of anything.
122
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,717
Be serious. If you can do this properly,
keep your nose clean,
123
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,189
- and prove you can hold down a job...
- Yeah?
124
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:13,317
lt'll really annoy your father.
125
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:15,152
Gotcha, Mum.
126
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,913
Nick! Nick!
127
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,036
Oh! Hi, Mum. We're just studying.
128
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:23,715
I know, dear. Have you seen Nick?
129
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,189
- No, he's not home yet.
- God, this is awful.
130
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:29,192
No, Mum. You're thinking of
"Nick is home".
131
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,840
- Hello, Mark.
- No, I'm Tom.
132
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:38,916
So you're not the one who called...
I'll leave it at that.
133
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,877
- (Door slams)
- Oh, thank God.
134
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,509
- Glad somebody's pleased to see me.
- Oh. I thought you were Nick.
135
00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,875
That's not funny, Susan.
136
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,235
- Who's that?
- That's Tom.
137
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,356
- We're studying.
- Oh, right.
138
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,394
I think I've slipped
into a parallel universe.
139
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,392
You thought I was Nick
and Janey's studying.
140
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:13,916
You're so naive. It was a cover story.
141
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,355
They weren't studying.
They were smooching.
142
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,396
W... W... What?
143
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,675
Hang on. This is called Tom.
144
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:25,275
Yesterday it was Mark
and the day before, Stupid Brian.
145
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,351
She's young. She's playing the field.
146
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,749
- She'll grow out of it.
- I should hope so.
147
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:32,513
- I did.
- I should bloody hope so.
148
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,909
Why did you think I was Nick?
149
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,956
No reason.
150
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,508
- How did it go today?
- Oh, fine.
151
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,398
No disasters or catastrophes.
152
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,835
That's very good. Yeah.
153
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:47,831
In fact, it went so well, I...
154
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:51,595
It went so well
I sent Nick off by himself.
155
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,439
- You sent Nick off by himself.
- Mm.
156
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,270
(Laughs)
157
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,716
- Course you did.
- All right, I lost him.
158
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,791
30-love! Ha, ha!
159
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,997
You wouldn't listen.
He's unemployable.
160
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:15,631
It's early days.
He needs care, love and tenderness.
161
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,349
- Hiya, Mum.
- Where the hell have you been?
162
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,955
Don't ask me
what sort of day I've had.
163
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:27,397
- Where's that beer?
- OK. OK. So you got lost. Fine.
164
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:31,189
But did you have to take
my entire tour group with you?
165
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,157
Can I have another job?
166
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,869
Oh, you led a little tour
on your first day.
167
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:42,671
"Pub Crawl of Old London Town"
or "Shops We Can't Go Into Again"?
168
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,957
- "Dylan Thomas' London."
- Oh, the pub crawl, then.
169
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:47,996
- Right.
- Don't encourage him.
170
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:51,152
- I was only asking.
- I was talking to Nick.
171
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,471
- Where's your umbrella?
- It's at the police station.
172
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:59,198
- And your badge?
- I left it in casualty.
173
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:02,670
- Your clipboard?
- A baboon ran off with it.
174
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,513
Oh, well. At least
you took them to the zoo.
175
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,318
No.
176
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,994
Shut up, you. This is all your fault.
177
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,878
- Me?
- You willed him to fail.
178
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,474
I've been beaming failure rays at him?
179
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:18,916
Yes. You, lay off the beer.
It's a working day tomorrow.
180
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,514
- Eh? I still got the job?
- Yes.
181
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,795
Wow! I've never had
a second day before.
182
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,074
- What do I do?
- The same as...
183
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,869
- No, scrub round that.
- You don't have to do this.
184
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:36,317
Yes, I do. Only he knows
where he left the tour group.
185
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:43,672
It looks like that old filling's cracked
and allowed decay to set in underneath.
186
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,957
The best thing to do is drill it out
and give you a new one.
187
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:49,508
OK. You're the expert.
188
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,995
- What's going on?
- Hello, Mr Harper.
189
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,355
Mr Davis was telling me
what he's going to do.
190
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,876
Oh, really?
What Mr Davis is going to do
191
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:04,511
is answer the phone, make me a coffee
and write up appointments.
192
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,319
If that's the way you want to do it.
193
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,392
- I thought he was the dentist.
- No, I'm the dentist.
194
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:15,759
I spent five years at Bristol University
Dental School.
195
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:19,833
You've got a cracked filling
and decay has set in underneath.
196
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,718
- That's what he said.
- Well, now I'm saying it.
197
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,792
- I thought you were on holiday.
- I went out of the room...
198
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:28,633
though it seemed like a holiday.
199
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,517
Now let's get cracking.
200
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,160
Er... Actually...
201
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,879
I think I'll cancel my appointment.
202
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,394
Let me know when you qualify.
203
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:41,199
Oh, great.
204
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,674
I know, Ben. I know.
205
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:47,115
It's a horrible thing, rejection.
206
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,876
I'll pack my things.
207
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,993
And then he just left.
I managed to sack him with a look.
208
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:05,635
- God, I was good.
- Amazing.
209
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,029
- Don't go over the top.
- Not you. This letter.
210
00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,076
From the school. About Janey.
211
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:13,630
Send them a letter of apology
and a cheque to cover the damage.
212
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,395
No, they want us
to consider sending her to Oxbridge.
213
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,040
Is that code for youth detention centre?
214
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,839
This says her grades
have gone through the ceiling.
215
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,798
Was she on the floor above, then?
216
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:29,839
Oh, my God. Look. Hm.
Signature looks genuine.
217
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:31,876
Good for Janey.
218
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,916
Just think...
219
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:37,390
University.
220
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,438
Our little girl,
who we've watched growing up,
221
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,476
nurtured and cared for.
222
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:45,796
Gone.
223
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:53,992
Our little girl
passing her exams and... going.
224
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:57,516
It's wonderful. I knew she could do it
if she applied herself.
225
00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:01,309
The only thing
Janey's applied herself to is boys.
226
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,312
There's a different one here every day.
227
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,039
She's obviously giving these boys dates
228
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:09,634
in exchange for private coaching.
229
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,675
Do you know what
that sounds like in my book?
230
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,479
A very clever plan?
231
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:20,358
- Later, Kev.
- When?
232
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,590
When you've explained
the theory of value
233
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,716
and the classical theory of economics.
234
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:28,429
- God, Janey, you're insatiable.
- What?
235
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,750
Ben!
236
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,876
(Ben) Er... Hi, Janey.
237
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,918
- And you are?
- Kev.
238
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,718
Kev.
239
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,633
- What happened to Tom?
- Tom's history.
240
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:44,349
- Oh. We're so sorry.
- No. Tom's history.
241
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,670
Kev's economics.
242
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,429
- And Mark?
- French conversation.
243
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:55,193
So you have a boy for
every subject in the curriculum.
244
00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,510
- So?
- So...
245
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:00,910
So I suppose Stupid Brian
got the elbow because he's...
246
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,956
- Stupid.
- Yeah.
247
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:07,716
Shame, really. He was so kind, sweet,
good-looking and sexy.
248
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,075
Yeah, but I'm a better kisser.
249
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,196
Actually, no.
250
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:15,158
Are you saying
you only want me for my mind?
251
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,196
What sort of boy do you think I am?
252
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,909
- An economist.
- You've used me, Janey!
253
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,514
You'll get used to it.
254
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,909
Only one other boy
is any good at economics!
255
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,956
And he's gay!
256
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,590
Mike, what do you know
about economics?
257
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:38,037
Supply and demand. If I have information
you want, you give me money.
258
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:42,398
Oh! Why is everyone making it
so hard to get an education?
259
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,675
Why do you want to go to university?
260
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:47,399
It's the only way out of here
without getting a job.
261
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,597
- There's prison.
- There's death.
262
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,513
It doesn't make sense.
You at a university.
263
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,353
Have you thought about
which one you want to go to?
264
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,795
Of course I have. I'm not an airhead.
265
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,390
What's the one with all the clubs?
266
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,718
- Enjoying that?
- Yes, thank you.
267
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:13,152
Got to the bit where
the secretary finds it's his gun?
268
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,674
- Ben!
- How can you read?
269
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:17,716
Let's see...
270
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,310
That was easy.
271
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,472
- Think what Janey is doing.
- Getting good marks.
272
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:30,314
Yes. And Toms and Kevs.
273
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:34,678
Ahem. Sleeping with the boss.
Smart move, Dad.
274
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,954
Hercules returns from his labours.
275
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:40,996
How was day two at the coalface?
276
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:44,709
Good one, Dad. Actually,
Mum told me not to come in today.
277
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:48,236
- Did she indeed?
- Yes. Staff training.
278
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,949
- He was reading up on background.
- And watching telly.
279
00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:54,429
Funny job, being paid
to loaf around at home.
280
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,476
It's not really employment at all.
281
00:15:56,560 --> 00:16:00,599
Sorry, Mum.
Did I drop you in it? I did, didn't I?
282
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,194
I'll be in my bedroom if you need me.
283
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:08,197
- You don't need me, do you?
- Just get out!
284
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,555
Ha! Advantage Ben Harper.
285
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,871
OK. I'll sack him tomorrow.
Can I get on with my book?
286
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,716
What page are you on?
287
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,758
I'm not going to finish
this chapter, am I?
288
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,796
Playing the field is one thing
289
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,429
but doing it to get into university
is quite wrong.
290
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,670
Will you talk to Janey
or sit here and stew?
291
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,911
- Sit here. It's less trouble.
- For you, maybe.
292
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,396
What am I going to say to her?
293
00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,596
She doesn't respect me.
294
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,671
She never listens to me.
295
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,513
Sometimes I'm not even sure
if she likes me.
296
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,956
Well, there you are, then.
You've got nothing to lose.
297
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,555
The cop's wife did it.
298
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:06,400
- Hi.
- Working, Dad.
299
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:08,994
Yeah. Yep. Yep.
300
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,719
I thought we'd have
a little chat about work.
301
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,712
- And boys.
- You didn't.
302
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,279
- I did.
- You didn't.
303
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:19,875
All right, I didn't,
but I'm here now, OK?
304
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,555
- God, she's got you whipped.
- She hasn't.
305
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,631
She has not.
306
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,716
This is all my idea.
307
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:34,510
And I think this private tuition scheme
of yours isn't entirely...
308
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:38,673
Completely...
Not to be dismissive or judgmental...
309
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:42,309
Erm... Entirely appropriate.
310
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,119
Yep. That does sound like your idea.
311
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:48,988
It's not nice to be seeing
three blokes at the same time
312
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,913
- and getting something back.
- Seven, actually.
313
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,549
What? How many A levels
are you taking?
314
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,916
There's different papers.
There's language, literature,
315
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,116
medieval, modern...
316
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,839
What do you mean, "not nice"?
317
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:08,550
Well, love... love is something special.
318
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,154
Not to be shared.
319
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:15,597
It is to be shared
but not for commercial purposes.
320
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,831
Do you even know
where you're going with this?
321
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,276
Yep. In the grand
scheme of things...
322
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:24,669
Once I get my bearings...
323
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:29,673
What I'm trying to say
is that there are certain women who...
324
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,274
In the world, who, in return for payment,
325
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:34,316
offer certain services.
326
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:37,076
Are you calling me a prostitute?
327
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,754
- No.
- You called me a prostitute!
328
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,957
- I didn't mean...
- It's obvious what you meant!
329
00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:51,555
I thought I was making you happy!
Thanks a lot, Dad!
330
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,438
(Groans)
331
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,028
That went rather well.
332
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,556
I heard shouting.
333
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:06,712
There was a lot of
plain speaking on both sides.
334
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:09,910
What have you done?
335
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,673
I may have to go away for a while.
336
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,116
Why?
337
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,190
I might have called Janey a prostitute.
338
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,589
Oh, Christ! How did you manage that?
339
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,194
- It was a metaphor!
- I should hope so!
340
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:29,590
- I'm not going to apologise.
- Probably for the best.
341
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,399
You might end up offending her.
342
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,789
- This is all your fault.
- My fault?
343
00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:37,997
You were the one
who wanted to talk to her.
344
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,836
- (Mimics Janey) Hi, Dad.
- Oh, God.
345
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,718
- She's gone to school.
- You frightened me.
346
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,075
It's good to even things up.
347
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,628
God, Susan, what am I going to do?
348
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,792
Skulk about the house
in your dressing gown all day.
349
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:12,759
But after that, how will I deal with
the shame and embarrassment?
350
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,070
It's never bothered you before.
351
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,037
- Have you told Nick yet?
- What?
352
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:20,396
- You're gonna sack him.
- That was a ruse to make you happy.
353
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,438
- Huh. I'm not happy.
- And I'm not gonna sack him.
354
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,637
And I make that
advantage Susan Harper.
355
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,989
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
356
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:31,718
Oh, hello, Janey.
357
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,756
Ha, ha, ha!
358
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,195
Game and set.
359
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:40,878
(Phone)
360
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,156
(Ringing continues)
361
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:49,912
Hello.
362
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,992
Is that you, Brian? I heard a clunk.
363
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,833
Oh. Yeah. Hello, Dad.
364
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,388
- Did you call me Dad?
- Isn't that your name?
365
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:02,359
- No.
- That's what Janey calls you.
366
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,034
Brian, Janey's at school at the moment.
367
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,839
Oh, right. So am I.
368
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:11,833
- Why are you calling here?
- I want to talk to you.
369
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,911
Me? Why me?
370
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,560
I feel we've bonded.
371
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:22,078
- I've only spoken to you once.
- I know, it's amazing, isn't it?
372
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,549
Brian, please. I'm a very busy man.
373
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:26,949
I just want Janey back.
374
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:30,237
I know I'm not as clever
as those other guys but...
375
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,959
- But I really love her.
- Brian...
376
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:36,032
It really isn't clever to go out with Janey.
377
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,714
OK? Quite the reverse, in fact.
378
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,756
So what do you do to win a girl back?
379
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,752
- You know about women.
- Yeah, well...
380
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:47,799
Yeah, well, get her flowers or something.
381
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,314
OK. Well, how much do I spend?
382
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,834
I don't know, Brian. Ten quid?
383
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,593
Cool. Top idea.
384
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:57,671
Thanks, Dad.
385
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,228
Bye-bye, Brian. Bye-bye.
386
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:14,749
Oh, yes.
387
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:10,151
What is this? The Truman Show?
388
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:13,118
If you'd like to come this way.
389
00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,749
Quick as you can.
There's a lot to get through.
390
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:22,310
Right. Here we have
a typical English home.
391
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,312
The family seat of the Harper dynasty.
392
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:27,789
And here we have
a typical English man. Hi, Dad.
393
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,758
Er... Hi, Nick.
394
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,832
He's taken a day off
to slob around in his dressing gown.
395
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:37,196
There's the telly
and there's his banana sandwich.
396
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,589
- Nick, please!
- Just pretend we're not here.
397
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,636
You may be interested to know
398
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,359
that he's had a big falling-out
with his daughter
399
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:47,796
after he called her a prostitute.
400
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:51,475
The repercussions
of this incident are still with us.
401
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:53,630
- (Ben) Nick!
- Time for a break.
402
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:58,748
Feel free to use the facilities.
Refreshments in the kitchen.
403
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:02,389
Don't touch the yogurt
cos I've spat in it.
404
00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:06,234
- What are you playing at?
- I'm conducting a tour.
405
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,197
I see. What the hell for?
406
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:10,919
Mum told me to go off
and use my initiative.
407
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:15,073
- In those words?
- Well, she told me to go off.
408
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:19,153
- What are they doing here?
- I ran out of sights.
409
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:22,038
Oh. They've been
to the Tower of London?
410
00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:24,588
Good idea. Tower of London.
411
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,512
Please. Thank you very much.
412
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:29,670
Would you put that down, please?
413
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:33,719
There you are, Nick.
Thank goodness I've finally found you.
414
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:37,236
- You're fired.
- Oh. OK.
415
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:40,915
- Happy now?
- Happy? I'm ecstatic.
416
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,912
Nick, get all of these people
out of here right now.
417
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,514
Sorry, mate. Not my job any more.
418
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:50,149
(# Man playing piano)
419
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,676
- (Man) 'Can you hold, please? '
- No, I will not hold.
420
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:57,196
You were supposed to send me
an assistant. He's not here.
421
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,431
- 'He's eminently qualified.'
- I know he is.
422
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:04,069
I'm looking at his CV.
What I'm not looking at is him.
423
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:06,435
- 'Who? '
- Ramon Man Lucas.
424
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,671
For the fifth time, Ramon Man Lucas.
425
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,878
(Bad Spanish accent)
Hello. I am Ramon Man Lucas.
426
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:22,956
Merciful heavens.
427
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,116
I am very highly qualified,
428
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:29,431
with many recommendations
from dentists in Spain.
429
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,479
- Are you insane?
- No. I am Ramon Man Lucas.
430
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:39,152
I am born in Puerto Buenos
and educated in Madrid.
431
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:42,312
I am looking very much forward
to working here in England.
432
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,153
I am looking forward
to booting you up the backside.
433
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:48,437
- Get out, Nick.
- Who is Nick?
434
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,909
Drop the accent. I know it's you.
435
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,912
Yes, it is me. Ramon Man Lucas.
436
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:59,159
(Normal voice) It's the moustache,
isn't it?
437
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:04,149
It was going so well.
438
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,913
What have you done with
the real Ramon Man Lucas?
439
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:11,232
It was me all the time!
That's the brilliant part!
440
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:15,552
- Can I have a job?
- Just close the door.
441
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,232
On your way out.
442
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,276
Yeah, you're right.
443
00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,476
I mean, what's the point?
444
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:26,917
I can't work for you.
I can't work for Mum.
445
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,275
Whenever I get a job, I get fired.
446
00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:32,635
Might as well forget about work.
447
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,915
It's just embarrassing for everyone.
448
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:38,310
Thank you. Excuse me. Yeah. Ahem.
449
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:40,834
It is embarrassing, Nick.
450
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,673
You are incompetent.
451
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,916
But there are people all over the world
who are incompetent,
452
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:54,199
many of whom have held onto their jobs
because they've never been found out.
453
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:57,033
And maybe you're the same.
454
00:26:57,120 --> 00:27:00,271
You've just got to find yourself
an incompetent boss.
455
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:07,390
When do I start?
456
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,675
OK.
457
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:13,469
Stand right there. Don't do anything.
Don't touch anything.
458
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:16,233
Just watch, OK?
459
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:19,876
Here we go.
460
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:23,635
Ah. You're doing it like that, are you?
461
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:35,636
Oh. Hello, everyone.
462
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,119
Hello.
463
00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:40,633
Hi, Janey.
464
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,469
Going to the kitchen.
Anyone want anything?
465
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:49,915
(Susan) No, thank you.
466
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,230
Janey?
467
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,073
- Tea.
- Good. Good.
468
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,871
- You still haven't forgiven him then?
- Oh, yeah.
469
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:04,397
I've thought about it
and I was wrong and he was right.
470
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:07,438
- In a way.
- When will you tell him?
471
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:09,511
- (Ben) Sugar?
- Two.
472
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:12,592
- Why would I want to do that?
- (Doorbell)
473
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:22,036
- Hi.
- Janey, it's Stupid Brian.
474
00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:24,634
Cool.
475
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:27,518
- Hi, Janey.
- Oh, hi, Brian.
476
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:29,591
Not too bad, thanks.
477
00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:32,069
- What have you got there?
- Flowers.
478
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:33,798
Oh, great!
479
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:37,873
Well, I was going to buy you flowers
but I sort of forgot.
480
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:39,473
- Oh.
- So...
481
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:42,518
I'm giving you... ten pounds instead.
482
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:44,511
What?
483
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:47,512
- It was your dad's idea.
- Here you are, Janey.
484
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,955
Nice cup of tea.
485
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,395
I hate you!
37157
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