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1
00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:05,070
(Bird singing loudly)
2
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:09,514
(Song continues)
3
00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:18,030
- (Sighs heavily)
- (Birdsong continues)
4
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,316
Hey, Susan.
5
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:28,349
- Hey, you're the nature lover.
- (Snores and murmurs)
6
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,231
(Snores gently)
7
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:35,750
(Snores loudly)
8
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:44,510
(Snores)
9
00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:54,038
(Birdsong)
10
00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,189
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
11
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,756
(Dog barking)
12
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:11,751
(Barking continues)
13
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:14,798
- Shh! Shut up!
- (Shattering glass)
14
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,630
(Sighs)
15
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:33,109
(Alarm clock ringing)
16
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:37,194
(Ringing stops)
17
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,031
Good morning.
18
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,873
No, it isn't.
19
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,554
You always wake up so grumpy.
20
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:56,637
OK, Mr Fisher, and bite down, please.
21
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,473
Very good. Brigitte, kidney dish.
22
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,039
Well, that's lovely.
23
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,429
So, what did you do at the weekend?
24
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:13,638
- Mmm... mmmm...
- Yes, it can be expensive.
25
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:17,713
- Mm?
- Me? I had a marvellous weekend
26
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,189
down at the DIY superstore.
27
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:23,078
Loads of fun dragging
a sulky teenager around
28
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,958
trying to get them into decorating.
29
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:28,952
I often wonder
where they get the staff from.
30
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:33,158
Any chance of that kidney dish
before I retire?
31
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,435
- See these?
- (Gasps)
32
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,750
- 18 quid, they cost.
- (Muffled shriek)
33
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:44,355
I know, that's what I thought.
All they do is cut tiles.
34
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,192
Kidney dish?
35
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,748
You can have it when you apologise.
36
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:53,516
Have you met my part-time assistant?
Who I pay full-time?
37
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,512
All right, all right, I'm very sorry
38
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,751
that I said you had the memory
of a retarded glove puppet.
39
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:01,831
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
40
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,798
But it doesn't change the fact
41
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,440
you've been forgetting
to pass on my messages.
42
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,795
Just cos you've got trouble at home.
43
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,030
I haven't got trouble at home.
44
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:16,033
I forgot - your wife rang.
There's trouble at home.
45
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,155
Voila! What do you think?
46
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,199
Oh, Mum... Well, you've done it again.
47
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:30,590
Thank you, dear. Do you want to
tell the boys dinner's ready?
48
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:33,592
That's right - make me
the bringer of bad news.
49
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,478
Bad news? Having a sit-down meal
with your family?
50
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,358
Yeah. Michael? Nick? Yellow alert!
51
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,958
Mum? What do you think
of tongue studs?
52
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,270
They're ugly, disgusting and unhygienic.
53
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,715
- Good, cos I want a tattoo.
- No.
54
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:51,233
OK, when's Dad coming home?
55
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,835
Ignoring the subtext of that,
I think he's working late today.
56
00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:56,399
Why?
57
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,392
I left a message to come home early.
Stupid, I know.
58
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:03,155
Hi! Hi, darling. I'm... sorry I'm late.
59
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,356
- I didn't get your message.
- What message?
60
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:08,000
- What message was what?
- The one you didn't get.
61
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:11,789
The mess...
Ah, ah... Mm, that smells good.
62
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,348
I knew it. Dad's having an affair.
63
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:15,953
(Laughs)
64
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:18,270
Cruel laugh, Susan, and I'll ignore it.
65
00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:23,309
- Like you ignored my messages.
- No, that was the glove puppet.
66
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:24,799
What's the trouble?
67
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,952
Michael's having
a problem with Jason Hodder.
68
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:31,430
Hodder, J. The little fat kid
who smells like sour milk?
69
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:35,229
No, that's Keith Burstall,
Jason's the one with the itch.
70
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,470
(Winces) Which end?
71
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:39,994
No, that's Lee Matthews.
72
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,913
Jason had head lice. Spread like wildfire.
73
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,912
Mm. I never thanked him properly
for that.
74
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,436
What's he spreading now - cholera?
Typhoid? Distemper?
75
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:52,876
No, this time it's different.
He's picking on Michael.
76
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:57,351
- He didn't want to go to school.
- Who would, with a foul class like that?
77
00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:01,991
School's meant to be unpleasant.
To prepare you for life.
78
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,830
Look, do you really want to be
left out of family discussions?
79
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:08,672
(Mumbles and tuts)
80
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:13,276
So, problem with Jason -
probably youthful high spirits.
81
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:17,114
I mean, good God, everyone's had
a Jason Hodder at school.
82
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,476
Look at me - I had Digger Beaumont.
83
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,198
Ha!
84
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,072
(Grunts)
85
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,515
(Croakily) Never did me any harm.
86
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,916
- I'm here.
- Oh, God.
87
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,550
Hey, guess what?
88
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,436
I'm gonna buy us a new house.
89
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,990
That's great, Nick. So you got
the job at Burger King?
90
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,435
Yeah, right, Dad.
91
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,990
No, I'm gonna become
a dot.com millionaire.
92
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:53,436
Really? That's great.
Shouldn't you get a good idea first?
93
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,914
But it is a good idea.
94
00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,514
Dot.com millionaire.
95
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,511
All that money.
96
00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,831
Why did we have him?
97
00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:14,914
You were too lazy to get out of bed
and walk across the room to the drawer.
98
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,712
Hmm.
99
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,631
This is, erm...
100
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,669
Isn't it? It's really, erm...
101
00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:28,957
It's, erm... What is it?
102
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:32,396
- Nepalese lamb melange.
- You said it would be chicken.
103
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,189
I never name a dish until after
I've tasted it. Bon appetit.
104
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:38,077
Shouldn't that be "bonne chance"?
105
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:39,878
- (Phone)
- I'll get it.
106
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:43,475
Probably be one of my investors.
107
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:46,279
Dad, can I have a car?
108
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,875
A car? What? You're 16.
You can't even drive.
109
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:53,953
- It's just my opening gambit.
- What's your fallback position?
110
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:57,316
- A DVD player. Can I have one?
- No.
111
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,550
- What do you really want?
- A tattoo.
112
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,198
A tatt? (Splutters)
113
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:03,236
No way.
114
00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:05,595
All the girls at school have got one.
115
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:08,717
One of the girls at school
has got a baby.
116
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:13,912
Maybe a tattoo sounds
better and better. No.
117
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,151
Michael, that was your friend,
Stinky Cheeseboy.
118
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:21,518
His name's Keith, and it's glandular.
He can't help it.
119
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:25,912
He wants to know if you got your
underpants down from the lamppost.
120
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,958
Is there something
you want to tell us, Michael?
121
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,235
- Is Jason Hodder picking on you?
- No!
122
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:35,029
Then you've got
some serious explaining to do!
123
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,509
Darling, why didn't you tell us?
124
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:39,830
- Two reasons. You and Dad.
- What?!
125
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,480
You'd've overreacted
and Dad wouldn't react at all.
126
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,551
So I took an average and didn't tell you.
127
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,313
- My poor baby!
- I can't breathe.
128
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,312
I don't react? Well, there you are then.
129
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,073
First thing tomorrow I'll ring the school.
130
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,833
Good idea -
that'll make him really popular.
131
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:57,433
I react, no one listens.
132
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,195
If the worst happens, and it will,
can I have your computer?
133
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,317
Then it's agreed.
I'll call the office first thing.
134
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,312
No, Mum! You're such a control freak.
135
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:09,675
Me? A control freak?
136
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,149
All I care about is
the happiness of my children.
137
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,754
- Great, so can I have a tattoo?
- No.
138
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:18,515
- Dad?
- Only if it says "Daddy's little sunbeam".
139
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:23,755
(Crowd cheering on TV)
140
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:33,272
- Ben, this is too awful.
- There's nothing else on.
141
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:37,353
- He called me a control freak.
- Hey!
142
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:40,637
You don't think
I'm a control freak, do you?
143
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:45,953
No. You're more
of a control enthusiast.
144
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:49,077
At least I'm enthusiastic
about something.
145
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,675
How could you lie there and watch
the forces of darkness close in?
146
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:57,834
Susan, this is a snotty-nosed
school kid, not Jabba the Hut.
147
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:01,230
- You don't care.
- Don't make me feel guilty.
148
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:04,312
If it bothers you, darling, sort it out.
149
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:08,313
- But I'm not a control freak.
- No. That's good, isn't it?
150
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,072
(Cheering on TV resumes)
151
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,911
So... It really doesn't bother you?
152
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,036
All right, Susan. All right.
153
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:22,874
I know it looks like
sometimes I don't care.
154
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,269
And sometimes I don't.
155
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:28,238
But it's a not-caring
that comes from caring too much
156
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,471
in a caring, sort of careless way.
157
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:36,873
With parenting, I put it down
to the bird-watching theory -
158
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:40,669
you've got to keep
your distance, keep very still
159
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:43,035
and try not to scare them.
160
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:46,312
I'm asking you to talk to him,
161
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,517
not put a ring round his leg
and track his migratory habits.
162
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,953
I just think there's a higher law at work.
163
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:56,076
- What law?
- Ben Harper's law.
164
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,436
There's nothing so bad
that a little effort can't make worse.
165
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:03,433
Ah. I think you're forgetting
Susan Harper's corollary.
166
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:10,352
If you don't make an effort, I'm going to
make your life bloody hell.
167
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,510
I'll go and talk to him, OK?
168
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,477
Come on, just teach me.
169
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:18,553
I've got to learn computers
if I wanna be a dot.com millionaire.
170
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,712
I'll give you one per cent
of the company.
171
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,109
I want 15% of adjusted gross
172
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,749
and 2% of international sales
in perpetuity.
173
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:31,598
OK.
174
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:37,196
- What do you wanna know?
- Where's the dot button?
175
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,430
Cool.
176
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,637
Where's the com button?
177
00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:47,393
- Oh, hi, Michael.
- Hey, Dad.
178
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,118
- You busy?
- He's in a meeting.
179
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,156
Why can't you be normal?
180
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,549
Just lucky.
181
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,039
So, Mikey...
182
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,475
If it's about Jason,
you're wasting your time.
183
00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:00,438
Yeah, but for your mother,
let's go through the motions.
184
00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:01,555
Yeah.
185
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,551
Michael, deep down,
186
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,119
all bullies are cowards.
187
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:07,031
Jason's really scary.
188
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,317
Yeah. He made the gym teacher
wet his pants.
189
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:12,550
- OK, so he may be scary.
- And fat.
190
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,312
All right, thank you.
191
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,233
- But there's things you can do.
- Like what?
192
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:20,437
Well, you know, you be Jason Hodder.
193
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,715
You be Jason Hodder and I'm you.
194
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,438
- This is stupid.
- No, it's not.
195
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:29,275
Try and scare me and I'll show you
how to react. Come on.
196
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,112
Try and scare me.
197
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,316
Your tax return has to be in
by Wednesday.
198
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,876
Oh, my God, I'd forgotten.
199
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,349
You haven't even begun
to do your books.
200
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:42,670
If you're late, there'll be a whopping fine.
201
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,796
Get out, you pillock.
202
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:48,190
- Sticks and stones...
- Don't give me any ideas, OK?
203
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,235
Oh, shoot!
204
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,669
- I've, erm...
- Forget it.
205
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,991
Michael, if people try and put you down
206
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,196
you can't let them see you're scared.
207
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:04,159
If they use names,
you've got to fight fire with fire.
208
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:06,356
- There's no point.
- Let's switch roles.
209
00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:09,193
You be you, I'm Jason Hodder.
210
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:14,195
Look at me. I'm big, I'm tough
and I'm after your lunch money.
211
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:19,400
Hey, Harper.
Hey, you little four-eyed squirt.
212
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:22,711
- Please.
- Oh, come on, Mike! Come on!
213
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,951
Scare me. Try and put me down.
214
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:29,157
You're losing your hair
and the only reason you're a dentist
215
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,437
is you failed to get into medical school!
216
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,516
(Groans) What are you doing?
217
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,875
I'm looking for my tax receipts.
218
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:57,032
It's two in the morning. Do it later.
219
00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:00,999
I have been looking since eleven o'clock.
220
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,957
You've been looking for three hours?
221
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:07,033
If you're so good at arithmetic,
you can do my tax for me.
222
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,072
What are you so worked up about?
223
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,436
Michael. Mmm-ichael.
224
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,909
He called me a failed doctor.
225
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,309
That's nothing.
He called me a control freak.
226
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,755
That's different. You are a control freak.
227
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:25,159
I am not!
228
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,549
You stopped me going to medical school
229
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:31,394
because becoming a dentist
was quicker and I'd get more money.
230
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,596
Yes. Oh, yes.
231
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,428
Where's the receipt
for the new X-ray machine?
232
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,796
In the file marked Receipts,
under the letter X.
233
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,155
You've been tidying up again.
234
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,277
"Thank you, Susan, for saving me
so much time and trouble."
235
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,750
When I put things under the tortoise,
236
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:54,037
I expect to find it under the tortoise.
237
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:57,749
Tidying up is just a way of
controlling things, isn't it?
238
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:02,914
If you were organised,
maybe you could have been a doctor.
239
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,798
If you were five inches taller,
blonde, with long legs,
240
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:09,111
you could have been
a doctor's wife by now.
241
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,111
- No.
- Please, Mum.
242
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:17,317
They cost a fortune, hurt,
and once you've got one,
243
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,038
you're stuck with it for life.
244
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:22,430
- It's only a tattoo.
- I was talking about daughters.
245
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,476
Subject closed, OK?
246
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,231
- Are you ready, dear?
- Couldn't I just be ill today?
247
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,356
No, that would be admitting defeat.
248
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:37,070
- Couldn't I just admit defeat?
- No, that would be... wrong.
249
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:40,038
- Were you born in a pigsty?
- I dunno.
250
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,759
You were there.
251
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:48,233
23 hours of blissful labour.
Even then you were slow.
252
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,915
If Jason gives you any trouble,
go to the head teacher.
253
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,275
- I'll handle this myself.
- Good.
254
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,157
Remember, a sense of humour
255
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,435
will help you through difficult times.
256
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,592
Next time Jason
puts your head down the toilet,
257
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:04,035
think of it as a comedy opportunity.
258
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,793
Nick, do you have
any useful words of advice?
259
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:11,795
Think positive.
Only the pathetic let life get them down.
260
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,599
Oh, God, the crap starts here.
261
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,434
Another glorious day
up the bumhole of dentistry.
262
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:21,990
Your father's tired.
Tell him there's coffee in the pot.
263
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,310
Mum says there's coffee in the pot.
264
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:27,756
He's been up all night fannying
around with his income tax.
265
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:31,389
Tell your mother
I was not fannying around,
266
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,199
I was looking for
the receipts she's hidden.
267
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:37,352
Dad says he apologises
for whatever he did
268
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,192
and it was entirely his fault.
269
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:44,270
If that's the case,
tell your father I forgive him.
270
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,635
Mum says she wants a divorce.
271
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:49,470
- Shut up.
- Dad says shut up.
272
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,870
Well, I agree with your father.
273
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,269
- Please.
- I'd rather go to school.
274
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,352
Scaler.
275
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,271
All right, I'm sorry I said
276
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:06,273
Celine Dion sounded like
a cat trapped in a dog's home.
277
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:07,793
- Thank you.
- (Phone)
278
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,155
She does, though, doesn't she?
279
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,913
Hello, surgery.
He's with a patient at the moment.
280
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,879
I could take a message
but he'll only ignore it, Mrs Harper,
281
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,394
and pretend I didn't pass it on.
282
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,391
- Hello, darling.
- It's Michael.
283
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,995
- What is it now?
- It's difficult to describe.
284
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:29,835
Well, how serious is it
on a scale of one to ten?
285
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,195
14.7.
286
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:39,232
I think we have to report this
to the school.
287
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:42,392
I've tried but it was closed.
I'll have to go on Monday.
288
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,677
And this was what was
stuck to his back?
289
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,273
What's happening to schools?
290
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:50,591
Not only is it obscene,
the spelling's atrocious.
291
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,830
Why can't they teach our kids
292
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,957
instead of arming them
with weapons of mass destruction?
293
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,270
Dad, it's only custard.
294
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,989
Today, custard - tomorrow, Poland.
Jason must be stopped.
295
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,469
Makes you wonder
what his parents are like.
296
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,437
Janey, parents?
297
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:09,557
- I think his dad's a builder.
- Well, that says it all.
298
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:13,679
A builder's answer to everything
is a slap in the gob.
299
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,990
Only when you call them names.
300
00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:19,629
That was a plumber and it wasn't
a name, it was a suggestion.
301
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,356
I can't accept that
we have to wait till Monday.
302
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,635
Oh, come on, it's just a weekend.
303
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:29,678
But it's two days of hell.
I'll be tense and on edge.
304
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,955
Just a normal weekend, then.
305
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,479
I will forgive but not forget that.
306
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,350
- Here's a mad idea.
- So many!
307
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:44,319
Let's invite Jason's parents
over to sort this out.
308
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:46,436
- Oh, yes! Let's... not.
- Why?
309
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:50,195
Has 22 years of marriage
taught you nothing?
310
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:52,714
When have we intervened
and made it better?
311
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,677
- Lots of times.
- When?
312
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,910
You weren't there.
313
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,035
I'm not having Mr and Mrs Godzilla
314
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:03,635
trampling over my furniture
with their filthy tattoos,
315
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:07,872
shouting builders' obscenities
honed over years of on-site training.
316
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,837
I'm sure they'll be civilised.
317
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,957
- Everyone starts civilised.
- (Susan) You didn't.
318
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:17,272
When the fur starts to fly, the dog
always sides with his whelp.
319
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:20,238
- How do you know?
- Discovery Channel.
320
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:24,757
Ben, if you could have seen
Michael when he came home,
321
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:28,992
his little eyes blinking through
a layer of dried custard,
322
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:34,279
as much as to say, "Why me, Mummy?"
323
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:39,559
He was the saddest school dinner
that you ever did see.
324
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:42,273
When do you want them round?
325
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,396
(Doorbell)
326
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:48,029
- I told them about now.
- Susan! Susan!
327
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,076
Susan, I...
328
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:53,918
Oh, God. Shouldn't you go
and read that in your room?
329
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,956
No. I'd rather stay here.
330
00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:59,828
This is going to be
very, very unpleasant.
331
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:01,273
I know.
332
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:08,715
She said she'd do it
but I never dreamed she would!
333
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:13,157
Dad's the one that says things
and doesn't do them,
334
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:16,357
Mum does whatever pops into her head.
335
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:20,479
Goodbye, room.
Goodbye, Pokemon cards.
336
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,154
And I only had 212 to go.
337
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,674
Goodbye, Crick. Goodbye, Watson.
338
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,830
Cheer up, bro. It could be worse.
339
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,070
- How?
- Well...
340
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:33,038
You could get kidnapped
by a covert government agency
341
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:36,556
who inject you with
a newly developed super-virus
342
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,790
which mimics
the symptoms of gangrene.
343
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:46,392
Thanks, Nick. Somehow you put
all my problems in perspective.
344
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,471
What am I here for?
345
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:54,275
(Susan) Ben, this is
Louise and Graham Hodder.
346
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,072
- Hello.
- Everything all right?
347
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,752
Everything's fine.
348
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:10,198
It's, er... I was expecting
someone a bit, erm, else.
349
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,510
Do please sit down.
350
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:16,275
- Ben.
- Oh, sorry.
351
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:17,918
Hi.
352
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,359
- So...
- So...
353
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,956
- So...
- So...
354
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,508
Oh, is it my turn? So...
355
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,672
This is our daughter, Janey,
who's about to go to her room.
356
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,557
She mustn't leave on our account.
357
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:32,868
Oh, thanks.
358
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,951
- So...
- So...
359
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,634
Would you like a drink? Wine, beer?
360
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,269
- Ooh, white wine, please.
- I'll have an orange squash.
361
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:43,715
Orange squash?! (Laughs)
362
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,234
Are you sure you're a builder?
363
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,675
Good Lord, no. I'm a doctor.
364
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:50,318
Er...
365
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,117
- A doctor.
- What made you think builder?
366
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,555
Erm, Hodder... hod.
367
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:02,990
- Janey.
- Mm?
368
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,755
I don't know - builder, doctor...
369
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,877
All right, Dad, I just wanted to
spare your feelings.
370
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,350
- Dad's a dentist.
- Oh, I see.
371
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,994
Glad to see
you're all getting on so well.
372
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,355
Well, let's get to the bloody point.
373
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:28,159
Your son has been bullying our son
374
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,516
so, erm...
What are you gonna do about it?
375
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:34,637
- Well, we don't know, really.
- You don't know?
376
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,597
We don't believe in discipline.
377
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:40,434
We see Jason's actions
as an expression of exuberance.
378
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:45,116
That's funny, we see it as
an expression of total yobbery.
379
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:49,478
We know Jason can be seen
as a difficult child,
380
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,472
so we've decided not to let it bother us.
381
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,230
Decided not to let it bother them.
382
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:58,072
But what about our son?
383
00:21:58,160 --> 00:21:59,832
That's an interesting point.
384
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,150
However, after much discussion
385
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,879
we've realised
it's wrong to push the river.
386
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,111
Yes. Graham feels it goes against nature,
387
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,872
which is a mistake.
388
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,509
Excuse me, backtracking a moment...
389
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:16,194
- Twiglet?
- Thank you.
390
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:19,636
Erm, are you saying you do nothing?
391
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,393
No. As parents, we are the bows.
392
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,870
- Our children are the arrows.
- We let them fly.
393
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:27,678
He's flying all right -
394
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:31,673
he's flying over my son
and crapping custard!
395
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:35,070
I know. It's all a bit embarrassing.
396
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,914
- Janey?
- I think it's embarrassing too.
397
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,389
- Janey, go to your room.
- We were just...
398
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,232
Now.
399
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:48,712
- Did you see that?
- The man's a complete fascist.
400
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:52,031
Yes, but it worked. How do you do that?
401
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:54,111
Oh, it's quite simple.
402
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,670
We've put 20 years of
hard bloody work into this family.
403
00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:02,151
20 years of tantrums, sulks,
answering back,
404
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,391
tears, recriminations...
and not just from Susan.
405
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:09,197
We have our up days as well.
406
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,555
I know you think you're good parents...
407
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:15,713
No, we don't think we're good parents.
We're not good parents.
408
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,360
We're just... ordinary parents.
409
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,477
My husband is speaking for
himself but I back him up.
410
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:24,916
No, it's true. As parents,
we're just above indifferent.
411
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:30,472
You, as parents, are scraping
the barrel of downright abysmal.
412
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,516
We wanted a rational conversation.
413
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,558
Maybe I don't like your idea of rational.
414
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,837
Maybe it's your rational
free-range parenting
415
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:40,478
that's made a bully of your son,
416
00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:43,677
who's bullying my son
and stealing his lunch money,
417
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,797
which, incidentally, is my lunch money.
418
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,997
See? With dentists,
it's always about money.
419
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,553
No, it's about my son.
420
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:02,348
Didn't like that, did you?
421
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,512
- Not nice is it, being bullied?
- I think we'd better leave.
422
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,319
Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry.
423
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:12,552
Being pushed around by someone
twice your size, how do you like it?
424
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:16,918
When you see your darling little son,
give him that from me! And that!
425
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,231
- Don't forget your coats!
- Good night, Doctor!
426
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,272
Unbelievable.
427
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,750
Yeah, anyone else but Dad,
it would have been cool.
428
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,752
Oh, hello, children.
429
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:38,470
Now, what you saw your father doing
was quite, quite wrong.
430
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:44,078
Ye-es. There are many reasons
why violence isn't the answer.
431
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:46,310
Number one - it's illegal.
432
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,391
Two - he could have been
bigger than me?
433
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:51,074
Three - he could have had
a heart condition.
434
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,799
Four - his brother could have
been bigger than me.
435
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,393
- Five...
- Five...
436
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:58,233
Five - when they get home,
they're going to tell Jason.
437
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:00,709
Goodbye, stairs. Goodbye, house.
438
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,756
Goodbye, life.
439
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:08,358
(Door opening)
440
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,919
Still no sign of Michael.
441
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,753
Really? Maybe he's over
at Stinky Cheeseboy's again.
442
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,400
No, I tried there, and it's glandular.
443
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,870
Perhaps Jason got him.
We should have got him a mobile.
444
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:25,270
- That's buying him off.
- Not Jason, Michael.
445
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:27,999
I was having a joke to lighten up things.
446
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:31,231
- Oh, poor Michael. Where is he?
- Obviously, it's worked.
447
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:34,790
He could be lying in a ditch,
his clothes all torn,
448
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:38,759
covered in some sort
of lukewarm dessert topping.
449
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:41,434
- I don't think so.
- How can you be so blase?
450
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:43,988
- Hey, Mum.
- Michael, you're all right!
451
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,036
- Of course.
- But Jason...
452
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,031
There'll be no more problems from him.
453
00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:50,680
- What did you do?
- Bullies are cowards.
454
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:52,716
Stand up to them and they back down.
455
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,791
You stood up to Jason Hodder?
456
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:56,950
Well, sort of. I stood up...
457
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,871
and Janey let him have it.
458
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:04,670
- You used violence?
- No, the language of flowers.
459
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,718
- What do you think?
- My daughter's a thug!
460
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,553
That's no way to behave.
Did anyone see you?
461
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:13,074
- No.
- Good girl.
462
00:26:13,160 --> 00:26:16,675
Why am I the only one in this room
to see the downside?
463
00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:18,398
Because you're Dad, Dad.
464
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,914
What's gonna happen to Mikey
465
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,310
when Xena, Warrior Princess
isn't around any more?
466
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:28,951
Jason knows the whole school
will find out he was beaten up by a girl.
467
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:32,350
That's good. So what's the catch?
468
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,352
No catch. I was just helping out
my little brother.
469
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:38,079
Plus I was so grateful
when you let me get a tattoo.
470
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:42,153
- We didn't let you.
- Yes, you did.
471
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:46,119
Oh! It's... it's lovely. Is it a caterpillar?
472
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,475
Mum! It's a scorpion!
473
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:52,109
It's a sweet little scorpion.
Look, it's smiling!
474
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:54,714
Mum, I can't believe you!
475
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:59,474
(Hisses) Game, set and match!
476
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,592
- You're good.
- Thank you, dear.
477
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,274
And, oh, so scary.
478
00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:09,399
I've really got a feel
for this e-commerce.
479
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:12,313
That's because you're an eejit.
480
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:17,231
I tried to think of something
that people really need.
481
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,915
And I thought, nobody ever knows
what the time is.
482
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:24,390
So they visit my website,
and I tell 'em.
483
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:26,436
It's called OnTheDot. com
484
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:31,515
Why don't they look
on their computer screen?
485
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:33,318
Eh?
486
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:37,518
There's a clock
in the corner of the screen.
487
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:41,112
Oh, yeah.
488
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:44,680
(Laughs)
489
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:46,671
Cool.
490
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:50,719
So, son, do you think you've
learnt anything from all this?
491
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:54,349
Michael, there is something
you can take away with you
492
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,432
that'll help you throughout your life.
493
00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,272
- Wanna hear it?
- Not really.
494
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:01,396
OK, it's this.
495
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:02,959
None of it gets any better,
496
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,838
but the more it happens,
the less it hurts.
497
00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:08,150
Thanks, Dad.
498
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:12,074
That's all right, son. That's all right.
499
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,628
What?
38664
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