All language subtitles for The.New.Adventures.of.Old.Christine.S02E14.Let Him Eat Cake.eng

- Morning.
- Morning.

Uh, that milk's spoiled.

Why didn't you tell me
that before I drank it?

I thought it would
be funnier this way.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Uncle Matthew.

Hey, sweetie.
Where's your daddy?

Can't talk.
Drank a Big Gulp. Gotta pee.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey, it's breakfast time.
What are you giving him Big Gulps for?

Richard got one
so he wanted one.

Besides, it's only 32 ounces.

He's only 32 ounces.

So...

you guys psyched?

I don't think so.

My birthday. It's tomorrow.

- I'm psyched, honey.
- Thanks, babe.

Oh, Richard's birthday.
Yeah, I have so many memories

of all the birthdays Richard
and I spent together.

The birthday eve countdown,
the phone call from his mother

at the exact moment of his birth:
3:18... a.m.

That's so weird.
I was born at 8:13 a.m.

Wow.

Don't listen to Crabby Pants.
It's going to be fun.

I booked the party room at
Bonjiorno's for tomorrow night.

But we only have it for three
hours so you're going to have

to keep the speeches
to a minimum.

Oh, and I hate to ask...

Oh, you so don't hate to ask.

Can you make the
lemon Jell-O cake?

Yes, I'll make the
lemon Jell-O cake.

Yay! I'm psyched!

I've got to say, I'm starting
to get a little jazzed myself.

Hey, is Ritchie still
peeing up there?

I'll go check on him.
'Cause maybe you guys

want to talk about some other
birthday surprises you have planned.

Well, I'm going to go to
my room to get stoked.

Can I offer you
a glass of milk?

- Can I help with the cake?
- I think I've got it.

It's no problem.
My mom used to bake all the time.

Actually, her maiden
name was Baker.

I don't know if that's why she baked,
but she loved baking.

Um, I've gotta...
just get... Yeah.

My dad's last name is Hunter.

He doesn't hunt, though.

Or bake.

Richard?

Um... I've gotta... get in here.
Yeah, thanks.

My last name is Hunter.

I don't know if you knew that,
but it is.

Matthew?

Anyone?

Um, I've gotta...
I'm just going over... Yeah, so, yeah.

So, I wanted to
ask you something.

Do you have any ideas
about what to get Richard?

I want to get him a really special gift
because he's always so thoughtful.

Yeah, I know, right?

Oh, wait, you're serious?

Oh, yeah.

On our first date,
I told him about my fifth birthday

and how my parents
promised to get me a pony.

But before my birthday, they split up,
so I didn't get the pony.

So for my birthday last year,
Richard took me to Catalina.

And...

you-you went horseback riding?

Oh, that would have been fun.

No, we stayed in a hotel
and made love all weekend.

That's a great story.

But the card did have a picture of
a horse on it. So, he's thoughtful.

And not just on birthdays.

On Sunday nights,
he knows I get kind of sad,

so he always leaves me a
little poem on my pillow.

The only note he ever left me was,
"Don't go in there."

He's always giving me
gifts for no reason.

He bought me this top.

Oh. Hmm.
Once he got me a T-shirt that said,

"I'm not as think
as you drunk I am."

Boy, he's really gotten better
at this boyfriend business.

I lucked out.

Oh! Oh,
you know what he would like.

There's this thing that goes on
the back of his pickup truck,

it's called a bed extender.

And it's got a place for
a toolbox and a cooler

and you can put
a hibachi in it.

And, gosh, Richard's been saying
he's wanted that for years.

That would really
make him happy.

Then why didn't you
ever get it for him?

'Cause it would really
make him happy.

Wow.

Yeah. Give it ten years,
New Christine,

you'll get there.

You know,
you can just call me Christine.

I know.

Man, that's the
longest I've ever peed.

Huh. That is going
to look so good

on your college application.

Hey, Ritchie, have you decide what
you're going to get me for my birthday?

I'm going to make you a card.

Oh. Well, I love your cards,

but maybe you're old enough now
to start giving Daddy a gift

with those awesome
cards of yours.

But the card is a gift.

Mmm, not really, sweetie.

Okay, all right. It's time for
Daddy and New Christine to go

so Mommy can bake a cake.

All right, we'll see you later.

- Bye.
- Thanks for your help.

Oh, sure.

I love you, Ritchie,
no matter what you get me.

But I know it'll be something great.
Get psyched.

Get out.

You know,
you could just put your name on my gift.

No. I want to get him
something with my own money.

Well, uh, how much do you have?

I don't have any money.

But... how did you think you
were going to pay for his gift?

I don't know. I'm freaking out.

Okay. Calm down.

There's another option.

Come here.

Now, I'm going to
show you something,

but you can't let anyone
know that I showed you.

Is it a chicken?

Why do you always
guess chicken?

Voila. The crappy
gift cupboard.

Whenever anyone gets one of us
a lame present, it goes here,

where it will never
disappoint anyone ever again.

Why are there so many
ice cream makers?

Because it turns out you can
buy ice cream already made.

Hey, check this out.

A complete magician kit.

I could do a magic show
for Dad's present.

Do you think he'd like that?

Uh, to put it this way-- I would love to
see his face when you give it to him.

This is better than a chicken.

Ooh, hey,
the crappy gift cupboard.

Hey, grab me one of
those ice cream makers.

I'm going to wrap it up
for Richard's present.

I think he gave that to you.

Yeah, I know. We've given it
back and forth four times.

It makes him so mad.
It's funny.

You're nice.

Oh, come on. I spent ten years
planning Richard's birthdays,

thinking of the perfect gift,
the perfect party,

the perfect way to wake him up.

No.

Yeah, and let me
tell you something--

that's one torch I'm happy to
pass along to New Christine.

No!

Let's just say that the candles
aren't the only thing getting...

Okay!

Come outside.

- You've got to see this.
- What?

- Come on! Come on!
- What?

- Come here, look.
- What?

You're not going to believe what New
Christine got me for my birthday.

I just heard, and it's going to
make my gift look pretty lousy.

Isn't it beautiful?

I don't know what
I'm looking at.

It's a truck bed extender.

A truck bed extender.
You have always wanted one of those.

It's not just an extender.

It's a cargo management system.

I can put my cooler here,
my blueprints in here.

It has everything.

- Does it have a hard hat holder?
- Does it have a hard hat holder?

I think he's making fun of you.

I am.

I think it's awesome.

It sure is.
It seems like a great gift.

Are you kidding?

It's the perfect gift.

It's the best gift
I've ever gotten.

The best gift for
the best boyfriend.

I'm blown away.

You put so much
thought into this.

No one's ever does
that on my birthday.

What, are you kidding me?

For ten years I made your
birthday a national holiday.

Yeah, but your gifts sucked.

What?

The weekend getaways,
the-the breakfast in bed.

I kissed that Asian
woman in front of you.

That was on your birthday.

Oh, yeah.

It was a good birthday.

The point is though, that I've given
you some pretty spectacular birthdays.

Yeah, but you know
what this says to me?

This says she knows me.

She gets me.

I do get you.

We get each other.
This is the best birthday.

For the best boyfriend.

From the best girlfriend.

Well, the gift was my idea,
not New Christine.

Me-- original Christine.

What?

Well, you know, I mean,
maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

Maybe?

I mean, you know,

the important thing is that you
got something that you love.

So be happy.

I mean, yeah,
there are contractors in Africa

who don't even have a
truck bed to extend.

- That's true.
- Or a truck.

Or a bed.
They drive around in elephants.

- What are you doing?
- I don't know. No one's stopping me.

I guess it doesn't matter
whose idea it was.

It's the gift that counts.

Don't you mean it's the
thought that counts?

Whatever.

Yeah, you know, whatever.

It's okay.

You still wrote me a nice card.

You wrote that, right?

Yes.

Come on,
let's take it for a spin.

Hey... Happy birthday.

Get psyched!

Ooh, look, the, um...
the Halperns painted their house.

Is that green or...

So, you feel okay about
how that played out?

Yeah, I feel fine.

You wouldn't do
anything differently?

Maybe the opposite
of what you did.

No, I didn't do anything wrong.
I told the truth

and the truth is never wrong.

Well, you lie about your age.

And that's something I'm going
to try not to do in my 30s.

I see.

I mean, it's not my fault New Christine
chose to deceive her boyfriend,

then tried to turn
it around on me.

Oh, is that what
happened out there?

Yeah, pretty much.

Why couldn't you just let Richard think
the gift was New Christine's idea?

I don't know,
it just made me mad.

The way they were talking about
her being the best girlfriend

and him being the
best boyfriend.

You know, what about me?

Well, you're neither
of those things.

You're a 55-year-old
pathological liar.

She is only the perfect
girlfriend because of me, okay?

I think I deserve
some-some credit.

For what?

For giving her the
perfect gift suggestion,

making her the
perfect girlfriend,

and for turning that
self-absorbed goon

into the best boyfriend she
has ever had. I did all that.

Wait, is this the same man who cracks
up anytime anyone, in any context,

says "number two"?

Okay, he's no James Bond,
all right,

but, I mean, things like...
thoughtful gifts

and weekends away and poems
on New Christine's pillow.

You know, I made him.

So you introduced
him to poetry?

Yeah, among other things, yes.

- You don't know any poetry.
- I know poetry.

"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jump over the candlestick."

That's a nursery rhyme.

It's poetry, okay,
and the point is

New Christine would not have looked
twice at that guy if it wasn't for me.

I mean, what does it matter?

Matthew, it's like an artist
who takes an empty canvas

and creates this
beautiful painting,

and when he's finished, he puts his
signature right there in the corner.

And then when people
walk through the museum

and they look at this gorgeous painting,
they say,

"Oh, I like that.
That's a," um...

- Can't think of an artist, can you?
- Okay, that's not the point.

The point is I want
people to know

that the boyfriend
that Richard is today

is because of me, all right?

That dimwitted chimp

is my masterpiece.

Maybe save that for
the birthday toast.

Sir, if you'll just let me know
when the birthday boy gets here,

I'll start bringing
out the appetizers.

The birthday boy is here.

You're the birthday boy?

Yep, the big four-one.

What's four-one stand for?

Forty-one.

And you're celebrating?

Just bring the
appetizers please.

Right away.

- Hey.
- Hey, there they are.

You rented this whole room?

Yeah, remember last year?

That guy at the other table had a
birthday and totally stole my thunder.

He was eight.

He was a jackass.

Hey, what do you got there?

Is that my present?

Yup. Hey, Mom,
can I go get it ready?

Yeah, yeah, sure, honey.

Ooh, it requires assembly.
I'm going to like it.

No, you're not.

What?

Happy birthday.

Where's New Christine?

I don't know.
She should be here by now.

I'm getting a little worried.

And she's not
answering her phone.

- Maybe she's upset.
- Why would she be upset?

I wonder why she'd
be upset, Christine.

Me? How would I know?

I don't know what goes on in
their stupid relationship.

He probably said
something stupid.

I probably did.

She's mad at Christine for telling
you about the truck bed extender.

It was embarrassing.

Yeah, why did you have
to tell me about that?

That was mean.
And she's sensitive.

I'm sensitive.

I think you're
sitting on a fork.

Thanks.

You had to be mean to
her on my birthday.

I wasn't trying to be mean.

It was my idea.

- We know.
- We know.

Fine, I'll apologize
when she gets here.

Happy birthday, Dad.

Hey! It's an old-time villain.

No, I'm a magician.

I'm going to escape from
shackles and a sack.

- Why?
- It's your present.

Mm, not really, sweetie.

Oh... he loves it.
Go do your trick, honey.

I will require the help
of my lovely assistant.

I'm the lovely assistant.

Hi.

Oh, look, she's here.

Good. Everything's fine.
I didn't do anything wrong.

- Hi, sweetie, I was getting a little...
- I made a cake.

Oh... but...
I made my lemon Jell-O cake.

I make it every year.

Well, this year,
I made a cake, too.

Ah, well,
that's another idea you got from me.

I didn't realize you invented
the birthday cake, Christine.

You must be even
older than I thought.

Baby, is everything all right?

Would somebody like
to test my shackles?

I'll test your shackles.

Shackles have been tested.

- Behold! My assistant will now...
- Lovely assistant.

...lovely assistant will now
help me into the airtight sack.

Look, I don't care if
you baked a cake, too.

It's just that Richard
loves my lemon Jell-O cake.

It's kind of a tradition.

Well, maybe it's time
for a new tradition.

Maybe it's time for my triple-berry
layer cake with buttercream frosting.

Here, Richard, try some.

It's not time for cake yet;
we haven't even had dinner.

Try the damn cake, Richard.

Yum.

Oh, fine.

So your cake is good.

So what?
It's not a competition.

Okay, try mine.

Also yum.

So I guess you both
make great cakes.

It's a new birthday tradition.

All my women feed me cake.

I like it.

But which cake is better,
Richard, if you had to pick?

- I don't have to pick.
- He doesn't have to pick.

Pick, Richard. Which is it?

My new, moist, young cake

or Christine's old,
dried out, bitter cake?

How dare you?

My cake is not dried out,
all right?

The Jell-O makes it moist.

Oh, crap.

I think I'm stuck. Assistant!

I'm here. Let me just, uh...

Could you-- can you--
do you have it?

Now the lovely assistant will take
this sack of magician to the kitchen

to see if they have scissors.

Behold!

So which is it?

Come on. We don't want any
fighting on my special day.

Look, Richard. I know you and this old,
sour cake have a lot of history.

But you need to decide if
you're ready for a new cake.

Because if you're not,
there are plenty of men out there

who would love to get a piece.

Yeah, well,
old cake does just fine, all right?

I mean,
maybe not so much lately,

but that's only because old
cake gets tired at night.

I like both cakes.

One cake is the
mother of my child.

The other cake is my
wonderful new girlfriend.

Equally delicious.

Damn it,
how long am I going to be new?

New girlfriend,
new cake, New Christine.

When are you going to let go
and let me just be Christine?

Why is it always a
competition with you?

Hey, you came to me for help.

And you had to let everybody
know that it was your idea.

You couldn't let me
have this one thing.

Yeah, well, it was my idea.

- We know!
- Well, it was.

Look, I don't care whose
cake he eats, okay?

I just thought I deserved
a little credit.

And maybe a thank you.

For giving me the idea?

For building you the
perfect boyfriend.

The romantic poems,
the thoughtful getaways, the blouses.

All that sweet,
caring crap that he does for you--

I taught him all that, okay?

So thank me!

You're kind of bringing
down the party.

Okay.

You're right.

You do deserve some credit.

I do?

Richard is a great boyfriend

and I know that you are
responsible for a lot of that.

Well, yes, I am.

And I appreciate your
being mature enough

to acknowledge my role in it.

So thank you.

Thank you for making Richard the
terrific man that he is today.

You're most welcome.

See?

That's all I wanted.

Great.

Back to the birthday.

But if you want to take
credit for Richard,

you can't just take credit
for the good things.

You have to take
credit for everything.

What are you talking about?

Well, because of you,
Richard has intimacy issues.

It took him three
dates to sleep with me

but six months to tell
me that he loved me.

So thank you for that.

Okay, well,
I don't think that that has anything...

And thanks to you,
the only way Richard knows

how to make a point in a
conversation is by yelling.

All right, well,
he didn't learn that from me!

Will you stop fighting?!
Both cakes are good!

And were you the one who let him
believe that baby talk in bed was sexy?

It's a wittle sexy.

Oh, my.

So if you want the credit
for Richard, take it.

All of it.

I just wanted him to know that
I thought of a good gift.

And he does, so you win.

You've known him longer,
you know him better.

You're the original.

Happy?

No, no, no, no.
Not yet, not yet.

No, I'm not happy, okay?

Maybe I was a little petty.

- A wittle?
- Stop it.

Okay, I was petty.

I'm sorry...

Christine.

Thank you.

Okay.

All right.

There you go.

I'm not actually much of
a hugger myself. I have...

my own intimacy issues,
so, um...

Why can't you just
let her hug you?!

I'm letting her hug me!

Behold!

That's not really
my present, right?

He's all yours.