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1
00:00:06,671 --> 00:00:08,130
What are you doing?
2
00:00:08,131 --> 00:00:10,006
I'm putting on lipstick.
3
00:00:10,007 --> 00:00:12,342
For a
parent/teacher conference?
4
00:00:12,343 --> 00:00:14,553
Yeah. I always look
nice for these things
5
00:00:14,554 --> 00:00:18,524
because I care about
our child's education.
6
00:00:19,058 --> 00:00:23,228
Last year, for Mrs. Belt, you showed
up in pudding-stained pajamas.
7
00:00:23,229 --> 00:00:25,313
Yeah, well, I care more now.
8
00:00:25,314 --> 00:00:27,399
I wonder why.
9
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,693
Hey. Sorry, I'm running a little
late with this conference.
10
00:00:29,694 --> 00:00:30,777
I'll be with you
guys in a minute.
11
00:00:30,778 --> 00:00:32,696
Oh, well, we're fine, Daniel.
Take your time.
12
00:00:32,697 --> 00:00:35,197
We're not going anywhere.
13
00:00:38,995 --> 00:00:42,038
Daniel will be with
us in a minute.
14
00:00:42,039 --> 00:00:44,625
- You're still hot for teacher.
- No, I'm not.
15
00:00:44,625 --> 00:00:46,000
I mean, you know...
16
00:00:46,001 --> 00:00:49,087
Mr. Harris and I had a
moment and we both realized
17
00:00:49,088 --> 00:00:51,799
we're attracted to each other,
but we can't do anything about it
18
00:00:51,799 --> 00:00:54,968
as long as we have
a kid at the school.
19
00:00:54,969 --> 00:00:58,054
When did you and
Mr. Harris have a kid?
20
00:00:58,055 --> 00:01:00,390
Quiet. We decided
to be friends.
21
00:01:00,391 --> 00:01:02,976
Friends? How are you friends?
You don't even know him.
22
00:01:02,977 --> 00:01:07,814
I know him well enough not to
wear pudding-stained pajamas.
23
00:01:07,815 --> 00:01:10,024
I don't understand the big
deal with you and this guy.
24
00:01:10,025 --> 00:01:14,925
Everybody else seems to be
able to control themselves.
25
00:01:15,447 --> 00:01:17,740
- Thanks again, Mr. Harris.
- Let's do this again soon.
26
00:01:17,741 --> 00:01:19,117
Maybe next time,
we'll do it at my place.
27
00:01:19,118 --> 00:01:21,618
Or mine! I have a pool.
28
00:01:22,996 --> 00:01:24,956
Hello, Christine.
Hello, Richard.
29
00:01:24,957 --> 00:01:28,459
Hi. Wow.
A little overdressed, don't you think?
30
00:01:28,460 --> 00:01:31,546
Well, we care about
our kids' education.
31
00:01:31,547 --> 00:01:32,713
How are your kids doing?
32
00:01:32,714 --> 00:01:36,814
- Oh, I don't know.
- They're probably fine.
33
00:01:37,511 --> 00:01:40,011
Well, that was embarrassing.
34
00:01:53,285 --> 00:01:56,497
Like I say, he's performing above
grade level in most subjects,
35
00:01:56,497 --> 00:01:59,207
though he could stand to put
a few more hours into biology.
36
00:01:59,208 --> 00:02:01,667
We, uh... had a test
on the evolutionary process
37
00:02:01,668 --> 00:02:03,461
and he seemed a
little confused.
38
00:02:03,462 --> 00:02:04,587
Really?
39
00:02:04,588 --> 00:02:06,797
Because I explained
the whole thing to him.
40
00:02:06,798 --> 00:02:08,966
You know, how the animals
were all in the sea
41
00:02:08,967 --> 00:02:11,177
and then they all
got together and, uh,
42
00:02:11,178 --> 00:02:14,988
decided to crawl out
onto the land there.
43
00:02:15,223 --> 00:02:16,724
That doesn't make sense.
44
00:02:16,725 --> 00:02:18,184
How do we get birds?
45
00:02:18,185 --> 00:02:20,269
Because once the animals
crawled onto the land,
46
00:02:20,270 --> 00:02:23,020
the smart ones learned to fly.
47
00:02:23,899 --> 00:02:25,691
Right, like parrots.
48
00:02:25,692 --> 00:02:28,192
And then language was born.
49
00:02:29,488 --> 00:02:31,655
We have tutors
available for him.
50
00:02:31,656 --> 00:02:34,156
Or for you.
51
00:02:35,035 --> 00:02:38,747
Anyway, Ritchie's a great kid.
He's smart, he's happy, polite.
52
00:02:38,747 --> 00:02:40,664
My only concern is socially.
53
00:02:40,665 --> 00:02:41,707
What do you mean?
54
00:02:41,708 --> 00:02:43,417
Well... all the
other kids like him,
55
00:02:43,418 --> 00:02:45,794
he just doesn't really
have his own group.
56
00:02:45,795 --> 00:02:48,298
During recess for example,
while the other kids are playing,
57
00:02:48,298 --> 00:02:50,841
he stays with me and
helps me grade papers.
58
00:02:50,842 --> 00:02:53,677
Now, sure it's less
work for me, but...
59
00:02:53,678 --> 00:02:55,512
he doesn't have
any close friends.
60
00:02:55,513 --> 00:02:58,974
But he's always going on and on
about his best friend Austin.
61
00:02:58,975 --> 00:03:02,604
That's Mrs. Austin, the 50-year-old
secretary in the Admissions Office.
62
00:03:02,604 --> 00:03:04,772
They have lunch
together every day.
63
00:03:04,773 --> 00:03:11,523
I guess that explains why he knows so
much about need-based financial aid.
64
00:03:11,738 --> 00:03:14,678
We better cancel
that sleepover.
65
00:03:15,867 --> 00:03:17,993
Look...
66
00:03:17,994 --> 00:03:20,871
It's not a problem. I just want
to bring it to your attention.
67
00:03:20,872 --> 00:03:23,290
Well, I mean, do you think that
there's something that we should do?
68
00:03:23,291 --> 00:03:26,209
Well, it may be a good idea to get him
involved in some after-school activities.
69
00:03:26,210 --> 00:03:29,410
Is he interested
in sports at all?
70
00:03:31,007 --> 00:03:32,507
What? That's a great idea.
71
00:03:32,508 --> 00:03:34,468
Oh, come on.
He's not an athlete.
72
00:03:34,469 --> 00:03:38,430
I gave him a Frisbee once,
he used it to serve hors d'oeuvres.
73
00:03:38,431 --> 00:03:41,809
Well, just to put it out there, I'm the
coach of the school soccer team this year.
74
00:03:41,809 --> 00:03:44,144
If Ritchie would like to join,
I'd be able to keep an eye on him
75
00:03:44,145 --> 00:03:48,398
and, hey, worst case scenario, he can
always serve mid-game shrimp cocktails.
76
00:03:48,399 --> 00:03:51,318
Yeah. I don't think that sports
is the best idea for Ritchie,
77
00:03:51,319 --> 00:03:52,777
but we'll think of something.
78
00:03:52,778 --> 00:03:55,488
Thank you very much,
Mr. Harris. Thanks.
79
00:03:55,489 --> 00:03:57,073
I like the sports idea.
80
00:03:57,074 --> 00:04:00,702
Richard, you know
how I feel about competition.
81
00:04:00,703 --> 00:04:02,787
You're one of the most
competitive people I know.
82
00:04:02,788 --> 00:04:05,248
One of?
Who is more competitive than me?
83
00:04:05,249 --> 00:04:07,625
Okay, you know, Richard,
I am not having this conversation
84
00:04:07,626 --> 00:04:12,213
in front of our son's teacher.
It's completely inappropriate.
85
00:04:12,214 --> 00:04:14,632
- Uh... Christine?
- Yeah?
86
00:04:14,633 --> 00:04:16,801
- My hand.
- Oh! Oh, sorry.
87
00:04:16,802 --> 00:04:21,032
Oh, I got it a little bit,
uh, sweaty. Sorry.
88
00:04:26,145 --> 00:04:28,645
Nice.
89
00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:35,379
No, I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
90
00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:37,172
Ritchie has been in sports.
91
00:04:37,173 --> 00:04:38,298
He doesn't like it.
92
00:04:38,299 --> 00:04:39,883
He always ends up quitting.
93
00:04:39,884 --> 00:04:41,218
Because you let him quit.
94
00:04:41,219 --> 00:04:43,053
He needs to learn how
to be a team player.
95
00:04:43,054 --> 00:04:44,221
How to follow-through.
96
00:04:44,222 --> 00:04:47,952
How to run without
breaking into a skip.
97
00:04:48,852 --> 00:04:54,852
You know, he's the only boy in
his class who can do a cartwheel.
98
00:04:55,441 --> 00:04:57,317
That doesn't help me.
99
00:04:57,318 --> 00:05:00,571
Besides, sports is how I made
all my friends growing up.
100
00:05:00,571 --> 00:05:01,613
This'll be good for him.
101
00:05:01,614 --> 00:05:06,284
I just don't want him exposed to that
whole jock/frat-boy world, you know?
102
00:05:06,285 --> 00:05:09,247
Next thing you know, he and his
teammates will be peeing on a tarp
103
00:05:09,247 --> 00:05:12,337
and using it as
a Slip 'n Slide.
104
00:05:12,458 --> 00:05:14,668
We made it to the
state championship.
105
00:05:14,669 --> 00:05:17,169
We were celebrating.
106
00:05:17,463 --> 00:05:19,423
And besides making friends,
I think it's time
107
00:05:19,424 --> 00:05:21,633
Ritchie had more male
influence in his life.
108
00:05:21,634 --> 00:05:23,385
And sports is a good
way to do that.
109
00:05:23,386 --> 00:05:25,428
He has plenty of
male influence here.
110
00:05:25,429 --> 00:05:28,223
Oh, hey, uh...
do these pants look weird on my butt?
111
00:05:28,224 --> 00:05:30,141
No.
112
00:05:30,142 --> 00:05:31,768
- Your butt looks good.
- Really?
113
00:05:31,769 --> 00:05:32,936
'Cause I can wear
the other ones.
114
00:05:32,937 --> 00:05:34,479
Yeah, you know what?
Maybe go with the other ones.
115
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,980
Okay, thanks, hon.
116
00:05:38,109 --> 00:05:40,903
Bowling, the Army, anything.
117
00:05:40,945 --> 00:05:42,362
We've got to man him up.
118
00:05:42,363 --> 00:05:43,822
All right, fine. All right.
119
00:05:43,823 --> 00:05:46,950
But I'm telling you, I don't want
him turning into one of those ape men
120
00:05:46,951 --> 00:05:52,163
who goes around scratching his
junk and giving girls the up-down.
121
00:05:52,164 --> 00:05:53,289
What's the up-down?
122
00:05:53,290 --> 00:05:55,125
You know, the up-down.
123
00:05:55,126 --> 00:05:57,418
Hey.
124
00:05:57,419 --> 00:06:00,588
Yep. I'm telling you,
he turns into a superjock,
125
00:06:00,589 --> 00:06:01,881
I'm pulling the plug.
126
00:06:01,882 --> 00:06:03,091
Fine.
127
00:06:03,092 --> 00:06:05,218
Hey, Ritchie,
come here a minute, bud.
128
00:06:05,219 --> 00:06:08,973
Sweetie, your dad wants to
sign you up for a new sport.
129
00:06:08,973 --> 00:06:11,307
- Gymnastics?
- No.
130
00:06:11,308 --> 00:06:13,808
Good Lord.
131
00:06:15,229 --> 00:06:17,230
How would you like to
join a soccer team?
132
00:06:17,231 --> 00:06:18,606
No, thanks.
133
00:06:18,607 --> 00:06:21,484
Because I did it
when I was your age.
134
00:06:21,485 --> 00:06:26,645
You could make some new friends
who aren't in menopause.
135
00:06:26,949 --> 00:06:28,825
And I think you'd
have a good time.
136
00:06:28,826 --> 00:06:29,784
So what do you say?
137
00:06:29,785 --> 00:06:31,160
Is there dancing?
138
00:06:31,161 --> 00:06:32,412
No, bud.
139
00:06:32,413 --> 00:06:33,788
There's soccer.
140
00:06:33,789 --> 00:06:35,581
Kicking and running
and passing.
141
00:06:35,582 --> 00:06:36,916
And Mr. Harris is the coach.
142
00:06:36,917 --> 00:06:38,000
I like Mr. Harris.
143
00:06:38,001 --> 00:06:39,502
Great. Come on, bud.
144
00:06:39,503 --> 00:06:41,796
I think there's an old ball in
the garage. We can kick it around.
145
00:06:41,797 --> 00:06:44,297
- For what?
- For soccer.
146
00:06:46,218 --> 00:06:47,635
What, you're making
him play soccer?
147
00:06:47,636 --> 00:06:49,971
No, we're not making him.
Richard is making him.
148
00:06:49,972 --> 00:06:52,390
Oh, that is such a bad idea.
Trust me.
149
00:06:52,391 --> 00:06:53,432
What are you talking about?
150
00:06:53,433 --> 00:06:55,101
Well, don't you
remember when I was 12
151
00:06:55,102 --> 00:06:57,269
and Mom made me
play flag football?
152
00:06:57,270 --> 00:06:58,646
God, it was horrible.
153
00:06:58,647 --> 00:07:01,692
I was running with the ball in my
first game about to score a touchdown
154
00:07:01,692 --> 00:07:04,652
and when one of the kids pulled my flag,
my shorts came off.
155
00:07:04,653 --> 00:07:06,153
And the thing was...
156
00:07:06,154 --> 00:07:08,984
I wasn't wearing any underwear.
157
00:07:09,199 --> 00:07:13,203
One time, when I was in seventh grade,
my skirt got caught in my...
158
00:07:13,203 --> 00:07:17,753
Wow, really,
I can't tell one story about myself.
159
00:07:18,166 --> 00:07:20,876
I thought it was over. Go on.
160
00:07:20,877 --> 00:07:23,337
Anyway, so my shorts are down,
but I didn't realize
161
00:07:23,338 --> 00:07:26,006
what had happened and
I just kept running.
162
00:07:26,007 --> 00:07:29,552
And when I got to the end zone,
I didn't hear people cheering.
163
00:07:29,552 --> 00:07:31,095
They were laughing.
164
00:07:31,096 --> 00:07:34,349
You see, uh...
I hadn't gone through puberty yet,
165
00:07:34,349 --> 00:07:38,369
and from that day on,
they all called me...
166
00:07:40,063 --> 00:07:42,563
...mushroom.
167
00:07:47,237 --> 00:07:49,937
No wonder you hate mushrooms.
168
00:07:50,990 --> 00:07:53,701
Ew. Now I hate mushrooms.
169
00:07:54,828 --> 00:07:57,496
It was traumatic for me.
I never played sports again.
170
00:07:57,497 --> 00:08:00,165
And I never forgave Mom
for forcing me out there.
171
00:08:00,166 --> 00:08:03,086
You don't think Ritchie's gonna resent
me for making him play soccer, do you?
172
00:08:03,086 --> 00:08:05,838
I don't know.
I still have unresolved issues with Mom.
173
00:08:05,838 --> 00:08:08,338
I'm sorry about that.
174
00:08:08,508 --> 00:08:12,053
That is a... a sad story.
175
00:08:15,431 --> 00:08:17,808
- Mushroom.
- Okay.
176
00:08:17,809 --> 00:08:20,102
Oh, come on, it's funny.
177
00:08:20,103 --> 00:08:22,020
Don't be so sensitive.
178
00:08:22,021 --> 00:08:24,521
It's your little penis.
179
00:08:27,298 --> 00:08:29,757
Come on, guys! Come on!
180
00:08:29,758 --> 00:08:32,343
Well, this'll be fun.
Huh, Ritchie?
181
00:08:32,344 --> 00:08:34,888
You look so grownup
in your uniform.
182
00:08:34,888 --> 00:08:36,764
I just want to
bite your tushie.
183
00:08:36,765 --> 00:08:38,224
Christine, he's trying
to make friends.
184
00:08:38,225 --> 00:08:39,517
Stop talking about his tushie.
185
00:08:39,518 --> 00:08:40,560
- Mom?
- Yeah?
186
00:08:40,561 --> 00:08:43,104
These shorts feel
weird on my tushie.
187
00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:45,605
Great job.
188
00:08:45,816 --> 00:08:47,817
Okay, pal.
Go warm up with your team.
189
00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:49,569
Okay.
190
00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:52,350
Hey! Hey, running. No skipping.
191
00:08:52,906 --> 00:08:54,907
Or hopping. Why is he hopping?
192
00:08:54,908 --> 00:08:56,742
Oh, I hope he's gonna be okay.
193
00:08:56,743 --> 00:08:58,953
He's gonna be fine.
He'll have fun.
194
00:08:58,954 --> 00:09:00,872
So where's your boyfriend,
Mr. Harris?
195
00:09:00,873 --> 00:09:04,203
Oh, please.
I don't care about him.
196
00:09:05,586 --> 00:09:08,086
Oh, my God. There he is.
197
00:09:10,924 --> 00:09:13,424
Holy cow.
198
00:09:16,096 --> 00:09:18,596
Welcome to the gun show.
199
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,519
Did you just give
him the up-down?
200
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:26,020
No. So.
201
00:09:26,982 --> 00:09:28,649
All right, I'm gonna go say hi.
202
00:09:28,650 --> 00:09:31,150
I'm going with you.
203
00:09:34,406 --> 00:09:35,698
Hi, Daniel.
204
00:09:35,699 --> 00:09:38,325
Hey, guys.
Glad to see you made it out.
205
00:09:38,326 --> 00:09:41,413
Well, of course, Mr. Harris.
Or should I call you coach?
206
00:09:41,413 --> 00:09:42,580
You can call me Daniel.
207
00:09:42,581 --> 00:09:44,790
Yeah. I already call him that.
Right, Daniel? Right?
208
00:09:44,791 --> 00:09:45,916
- Sure.
- Yeah.
209
00:09:45,917 --> 00:09:48,168
Listen, if you need any
help on the field, uh,
210
00:09:48,169 --> 00:09:49,920
I played some soccer
in high school.
211
00:09:49,921 --> 00:09:52,507
In fact, we got to the state finals.
We lost, but...
212
00:09:52,507 --> 00:09:54,216
it wasn't my fault.
I played great.
213
00:09:54,217 --> 00:09:56,552
Okay. Well, thanks.
I'll let you know.
214
00:09:56,553 --> 00:09:58,303
I'm not talking candy league.
215
00:09:58,304 --> 00:10:00,764
We were the real deal.
Our coach was Italian.
216
00:10:00,765 --> 00:10:03,684
- You wanna see my bicycle kick?
- No, he doesn't.
217
00:10:03,685 --> 00:10:06,563
Okay, well... I'm gonna go over there
and kick the ball around, if you need me.
218
00:10:06,563 --> 00:10:09,653
Or if you just
want to hang out.
219
00:10:13,069 --> 00:10:16,990
Sorry. He's not
usually so... gay.
220
00:10:17,574 --> 00:10:20,284
So what made you decide
to let Ritchie play?
221
00:10:20,285 --> 00:10:22,996
Richard talked me into it.
I just don't want Ritchie to turn
222
00:10:22,996 --> 00:10:24,955
into one of those dumb jocks.
223
00:10:24,956 --> 00:10:27,706
Hey, Coach Harris, look at me.
224
00:10:31,254 --> 00:10:33,255
I think Ritchie's
gonna be fine.
225
00:10:33,256 --> 00:10:35,173
The team's coed,
it's pretty low-key.
226
00:10:35,174 --> 00:10:37,300
I'm just glad you're his coach,
you know.
227
00:10:37,301 --> 00:10:40,346
You're not one of those
hard-core sports freaks
228
00:10:40,346 --> 00:10:42,264
like I had in school, you know?
229
00:10:42,265 --> 00:10:44,599
They were like,
"Run, Christine.
230
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,977
Don't be such a poor
sport, Christine.
231
00:10:46,978 --> 00:10:50,158
Put out that
cigarette, Christine."
232
00:10:50,815 --> 00:10:52,315
Catholic school, huh?
233
00:10:52,316 --> 00:10:54,816
Right.
234
00:10:57,697 --> 00:11:00,365
This is nice. Talking, joking.
235
00:11:00,366 --> 00:11:01,408
Friendly.
236
00:11:01,409 --> 00:11:03,285
Yeah, we're such good friends.
237
00:11:03,286 --> 00:11:05,370
I could go away for
the weekend with you.
238
00:11:05,371 --> 00:11:08,915
Yeah. I'd shave my legs and
bring my good underwear.
239
00:11:08,916 --> 00:11:11,416
So would I.
240
00:11:12,545 --> 00:11:15,214
Uh... yeah. Well...
241
00:11:15,423 --> 00:11:18,759
Um... I think I'll go,
uh, set up my chair.
242
00:11:18,759 --> 00:11:21,639
Yeah, I'm-a go coach something.
243
00:11:22,138 --> 00:11:24,638
Okay.
244
00:11:32,815 --> 00:11:35,609
God, he's been running around for an hour.
Do you think he's okay?
245
00:11:35,609 --> 00:11:37,610
Do you think he's too hot?
246
00:11:37,611 --> 00:11:39,028
Well, he ain't too ugly.
247
00:11:39,029 --> 00:11:41,281
What?
248
00:11:41,282 --> 00:11:43,782
Okay, baby. Do your thing.
249
00:11:44,618 --> 00:11:47,078
Oh, God. Will you stop?
250
00:11:47,079 --> 00:11:50,748
You're embarrassing yourself.
He likes me.
251
00:11:50,749 --> 00:11:53,251
Oh, good,
they're taking a break.
252
00:11:53,252 --> 00:11:55,712
- Hey. Having fun out there?
- Yeah, I am.
253
00:11:55,713 --> 00:11:57,880
Oh, honey, you're doing great.
You're running around,
254
00:11:57,881 --> 00:12:00,049
you're kicking the ball.
Is that sweat?
255
00:12:00,050 --> 00:12:02,135
Don't wipe it off.
I wanna see it.
256
00:12:02,136 --> 00:12:04,595
And I made some new
friends from the team.
257
00:12:04,596 --> 00:12:05,346
What?
258
00:12:05,347 --> 00:12:07,098
- That's great.
- New friends?
259
00:12:07,099 --> 00:12:08,975
Is it okay if they come over
after the game to play?
260
00:12:08,976 --> 00:12:10,434
Yeah, why not?
Of course they can.
261
00:12:10,435 --> 00:12:12,935
- Cool!
- Yeah, cool.
262
00:12:14,940 --> 00:12:16,732
Told you this would work.
263
00:12:16,733 --> 00:12:18,442
Dads know.
264
00:12:18,443 --> 00:12:20,403
Ritchie's one of the guy's now.
265
00:12:20,404 --> 00:12:23,197
This is what happens
when you listen to me.
266
00:12:23,198 --> 00:12:27,535
Mom, Dad, this is Madison,
Heidi and Julie, my friends.
267
00:12:27,536 --> 00:12:30,036
- Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
268
00:12:45,563 --> 00:12:47,522
Ritchie, Ritchie!
269
00:12:47,523 --> 00:12:48,982
Where are you going?
270
00:12:48,983 --> 00:12:50,108
I don't know.
271
00:12:50,109 --> 00:12:53,570
They said it would be better
if I just did what they said.
272
00:12:53,571 --> 00:12:54,988
I used to play that game.
273
00:12:54,989 --> 00:12:58,450
Oh, yeah,
what'd you used to call it? Marriage.
274
00:12:58,451 --> 00:13:00,035
Christine, this isn't working.
275
00:13:00,036 --> 00:13:01,495
I'm pulling him out of soccer.
276
00:13:01,496 --> 00:13:03,997
Maybe we'll try football.
Or prison.
277
00:13:03,998 --> 00:13:06,082
Why? He's having a great time.
278
00:13:06,083 --> 00:13:08,878
But the whole point was to get
him to socialize with other boys.
279
00:13:08,878 --> 00:13:11,004
No, Mr. Harris
didn't specify boys.
280
00:13:11,005 --> 00:13:13,298
He just said "socialize,"
and he's socializing.
281
00:13:13,299 --> 00:13:14,466
He meant boys, Christine.
282
00:13:14,467 --> 00:13:16,384
You don't know what he meant.
He said "friends."
283
00:13:16,385 --> 00:13:17,969
Friends can be boys or girls.
284
00:13:17,970 --> 00:13:19,679
Why don't we ask
Mr. Harris what he meant?
285
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:21,181
Fine, we'll ask him first
thing in the morning.
286
00:13:21,182 --> 00:13:24,309
In the morning? Good.
I can wear my new shirt.
287
00:13:24,310 --> 00:13:26,269
Okay, you're
embarrassing yourself.
288
00:13:26,270 --> 00:13:28,770
Hey, Mushroom.
289
00:13:29,607 --> 00:13:32,107
Not cool.
290
00:13:33,235 --> 00:13:35,445
I have made a decision.
291
00:13:35,446 --> 00:13:39,908
And I second it.
That natural deodorant is not working.
292
00:13:39,909 --> 00:13:43,621
What? No. I, I was gonna confront
Mom about the football incident.
293
00:13:43,621 --> 00:13:46,207
Oh, oh. Confront Mom, you say.
294
00:13:46,207 --> 00:13:49,626
Oh, well, that's, um,
that's even better.
295
00:13:49,627 --> 00:13:53,296
I just can't hang on to my
anger anymore. It's not healthy.
296
00:13:53,297 --> 00:13:55,256
Yeah, well, that's not
the way our family operates.
297
00:13:55,257 --> 00:13:56,716
We don't talk about our anger.
298
00:13:56,717 --> 00:14:00,095
We hold on to it and push
it down until it seeps out
299
00:14:00,095 --> 00:14:02,847
in mean and inappropriate
jokes at Thanksgiving.
300
00:14:02,848 --> 00:14:05,851
Well, I don't want to ruin Thanksgiving,
but I got to get this off my chest.
301
00:14:05,851 --> 00:14:06,934
So what are you gonna say?
302
00:14:06,935 --> 00:14:10,665
Well, uh,
I jotted all my thoughts down.
303
00:14:11,899 --> 00:14:14,692
No, it's fine, it's fine.
All right, try 'em out on me.
304
00:14:14,693 --> 00:14:16,611
I'll be Mom.
305
00:14:16,612 --> 00:14:17,987
Okay.
306
00:14:17,988 --> 00:14:20,991
Okay, just imagine that I've
just told some rambling story
307
00:14:20,991 --> 00:14:22,950
with no point that's
vaguely racist.
308
00:14:22,951 --> 00:14:25,369
- Got it.
- Go.
309
00:14:25,370 --> 00:14:29,708
- Uh, hey, Mom, it's Matthew.
- Am I on the speakerphone?
310
00:14:29,708 --> 00:14:31,792
Take me off the speaker.
311
00:14:31,793 --> 00:14:33,085
You're not on speakerphone.
312
00:14:33,086 --> 00:14:35,004
Why didn't you return my call?
313
00:14:35,005 --> 00:14:36,422
You called?
I didn't get a message.
314
00:14:36,423 --> 00:14:38,007
That's because you're
not organized.
315
00:14:38,008 --> 00:14:40,886
Did you throw away that
organizer that I sent to you?
316
00:14:40,886 --> 00:14:42,136
Wait, how does she know
about the organize--
317
00:14:42,137 --> 00:14:43,971
Don't ask your sister.
318
00:14:43,972 --> 00:14:45,389
I'm sorry.
I love you. I'm sorry.
319
00:14:45,390 --> 00:14:47,266
Put your sister on.
320
00:14:47,267 --> 00:14:49,767
I'm not here.
321
00:14:52,731 --> 00:14:55,231
Happy Thanksgiving.
322
00:14:57,202 --> 00:14:59,955
I really don't see a problem.
323
00:14:59,955 --> 00:15:01,205
Really?
324
00:15:01,206 --> 00:15:03,165
I thought the whole point
was to get him to socialize.
325
00:15:03,166 --> 00:15:05,961
You know, guys with guys,
like you and me.
326
00:15:05,961 --> 00:15:07,878
Yeah, and I said that
there's nothing wrong
327
00:15:07,879 --> 00:15:09,672
with girls and guys
being great friends,
328
00:15:09,673 --> 00:15:11,340
like you and me.
329
00:15:11,341 --> 00:15:14,136
It makes sense that Ritchie
would hang out with girls.
330
00:15:14,136 --> 00:15:15,427
Uh, they're more
mature at this age
331
00:15:15,428 --> 00:15:18,098
and Ritchie's a smart,
sensitive kid...
332
00:15:18,098 --> 00:15:20,598
who does a great cartwheel.
333
00:15:21,059 --> 00:15:22,977
I think it's nice.
334
00:15:22,978 --> 00:15:24,770
Yeah, yeah, that's what I said.
335
00:15:24,771 --> 00:15:26,480
You and I are on the same page.
336
00:15:26,481 --> 00:15:28,732
Well, he and I were on the same
page with the soccer, so...
337
00:15:28,733 --> 00:15:31,233
So? So, so, so, so what?
338
00:15:31,528 --> 00:15:33,779
So he's got more than one page
and you're not always on it.
339
00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:35,948
Sometimes I'm on it.
340
00:15:35,949 --> 00:15:39,076
You know what? I, I don't even
know what you're saying, okay?
341
00:15:39,077 --> 00:15:40,494
Are we done here?
342
00:15:40,495 --> 00:15:43,215
'Cause I'd really like to be.
343
00:15:46,668 --> 00:15:48,544
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
344
00:15:48,545 --> 00:15:50,879
Ritchie, weren't you supposed to
have a playdate with the girls?
345
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:52,840
I did.
346
00:15:52,841 --> 00:15:54,049
Well, what happened?
347
00:15:54,050 --> 00:15:55,134
You want to tell
'em what happened?
348
00:15:55,135 --> 00:15:57,635
No, thank you.
349
00:15:58,388 --> 00:16:01,056
I was talking to Dad, trying to
figure out the best time to call Mom
350
00:16:01,057 --> 00:16:02,641
when she wouldn't
be in a bad mood.
351
00:16:02,642 --> 00:16:06,342
Oh, yeah,
what time'd you come up with?
352
00:16:07,563 --> 00:16:10,650
Anyway, I left the kids playing in
Ritchie's room while I was on the phone,
353
00:16:10,650 --> 00:16:13,980
and when I came back,
I caught him.
354
00:16:14,237 --> 00:16:15,404
What were you doing?
355
00:16:15,405 --> 00:16:18,281
I was just playing
house with my friends.
356
00:16:18,282 --> 00:16:19,491
And...?
357
00:16:19,492 --> 00:16:23,272
And I was the husband,
so I kissed them.
358
00:16:23,287 --> 00:16:24,746
Ritchie.
359
00:16:24,747 --> 00:16:27,247
All three of 'em?
360
00:16:34,048 --> 00:16:36,551
Ritchie, those girls
are your friends,
361
00:16:36,551 --> 00:16:38,843
and you don't kiss your friends,
you don't.
362
00:16:38,844 --> 00:16:42,834
No matter how much you want to,
you don't.
363
00:16:43,766 --> 00:16:45,809
All right, listen. Go upstairs
364
00:16:45,810 --> 00:16:48,311
and get going on your homework,
and I'll be right there.
365
00:16:48,312 --> 00:16:50,812
Okay.
366
00:16:51,732 --> 00:16:54,025
Don't feel bad,
it's just nature.
367
00:16:54,026 --> 00:16:56,319
No, I don't accept that.
368
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,823
Listen, Matthew,
you have friends that are girls, right?
369
00:16:58,823 --> 00:16:59,572
Sure.
370
00:16:59,573 --> 00:17:02,075
- That you haven't slept with?
- Oh, no.
371
00:17:02,076 --> 00:17:04,703
Wait, one. Oh, no.
372
00:17:06,580 --> 00:17:09,080
No.
373
00:17:11,710 --> 00:17:13,795
What, the girls are still here?
374
00:17:13,796 --> 00:17:14,837
You didn't send them home?
375
00:17:14,838 --> 00:17:16,339
I didn't know what to do.
They're bossy.
376
00:17:16,340 --> 00:17:20,426
They called me Superdork,
so I just grabbed Ritchie and ran.
377
00:17:20,427 --> 00:17:23,180
Ritchie! Ritchie!
378
00:17:25,641 --> 00:17:27,308
Man.
379
00:17:27,309 --> 00:17:29,809
All three.
380
00:17:31,397 --> 00:17:33,648
Yeah, because, you know,
Ritchie, you're a great kid
381
00:17:33,649 --> 00:17:36,067
and you skip to the beat
of your own drummer,
382
00:17:36,068 --> 00:17:37,735
and I love that about you.
383
00:17:37,736 --> 00:17:40,363
So if you want to play soccer,
you play soccer,
384
00:17:40,364 --> 00:17:42,281
and if you want to quit,
you can quit.
385
00:17:42,282 --> 00:17:44,325
I don't want to quit.
I like soccer.
386
00:17:44,326 --> 00:17:45,451
Oh, good.
387
00:17:45,452 --> 00:17:48,202
And I like having three wives.
388
00:17:50,123 --> 00:17:52,793
Uh, okay, honey, you know what?
Go out and play,
389
00:17:52,793 --> 00:17:55,420
and we're going to talk more
about this when you get home.
390
00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:57,920
- Okay.
- Okay.
391
00:17:59,758 --> 00:18:02,093
Well, look who's
the first one here.
392
00:18:02,094 --> 00:18:03,803
You know, at some point,
you and your ex-husband
393
00:18:03,804 --> 00:18:05,554
are gonna have to figure
things out for yourselves
394
00:18:05,555 --> 00:18:07,765
or I'm gonna start
charging you.
395
00:18:07,766 --> 00:18:10,266
No, no, he's not here.
396
00:18:10,268 --> 00:18:11,644
Good.
397
00:18:11,645 --> 00:18:16,649
You know, I had six hang-ups from
him on my caller I.D. at home.
398
00:18:16,650 --> 00:18:19,026
Oh, yeah, you know,
he just wants to be your friend.
399
00:18:19,027 --> 00:18:21,112
He's a little nervous.
400
00:18:21,113 --> 00:18:23,322
So how's Ritchie
doing with the girls?
401
00:18:23,323 --> 00:18:27,202
Uh, great.
He's got three wives now.
402
00:18:27,994 --> 00:18:30,079
Uh, you know,
maybe we were wrong.
403
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,999
Maybe girls and boys
can't be friends.
404
00:18:32,999 --> 00:18:34,333
Sure they can.
405
00:18:34,334 --> 00:18:37,211
Well, I guess,
more specifically,
406
00:18:37,212 --> 00:18:39,088
I can't be your friend.
407
00:18:39,089 --> 00:18:42,424
I-I haven't had a single
friendly thought about you
408
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:45,302
since the first time I met you.
409
00:18:45,303 --> 00:18:47,137
Yeah, I guess I don't
usually practice
410
00:18:47,138 --> 00:18:49,598
how I'm gonna say good
morning to my friends.
411
00:18:49,599 --> 00:18:52,099
By the way, um...
412
00:18:53,311 --> 00:18:55,811
Good morning.
413
00:18:57,816 --> 00:19:00,401
That is unbelievable.
414
00:19:00,944 --> 00:19:02,486
I practiced.
415
00:19:02,487 --> 00:19:03,570
Yeah.
416
00:19:03,571 --> 00:19:06,324
I don't usually imagine myself
stranded in a ski lodge
417
00:19:06,324 --> 00:19:09,326
with my friends, you know,
and then the power goes out
418
00:19:09,327 --> 00:19:11,913
and we have to huddle
together for warmth
419
00:19:11,913 --> 00:19:16,703
'cause a, a polar bear ate
our clothes or something.
420
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:19,960
So what do we do?
421
00:19:20,630 --> 00:19:24,342
Well, we, we build a fire,
422
00:19:24,384 --> 00:19:29,388
and then, um,
I find a bottle of champagne, and...
423
00:19:29,388 --> 00:19:32,238
No, I mean, what do we do now?
424
00:19:36,437 --> 00:19:41,067
Well, um, you know,
you're a teacher and I'm a parent,
425
00:19:41,067 --> 00:19:44,362
so, uh, we can never really
be more than friends.
426
00:19:44,362 --> 00:19:46,404
And we're not friends.
427
00:19:46,405 --> 00:19:47,447
Yeah.
428
00:19:47,448 --> 00:19:50,034
So I guess we'll just have
to limit our contact.
429
00:19:50,034 --> 00:19:53,537
Right. Yeah, I mean, you know,
strictly business from now on.
430
00:19:53,537 --> 00:19:55,830
That's gonna have to go
for your ex-husband, too.
431
00:19:55,831 --> 00:19:58,331
He'll be crushed.
432
00:19:58,584 --> 00:20:01,711
And I guess, eventually,
we'll get over this.
433
00:20:01,712 --> 00:20:03,546
- Right. Right?
- Right, yeah.
434
00:20:03,547 --> 00:20:06,716
Yeah, I mean, you know, you'll
meet someone or I'll meet someone,
435
00:20:06,717 --> 00:20:11,763
or, you know-- I mean, chances are
you'll meet someone first, but...
436
00:20:11,764 --> 00:20:15,475
You know. Maybe not,
I don't know, you never know.
437
00:20:15,476 --> 00:20:17,976
- Okay, then.
- Okay.
438
00:20:27,738 --> 00:20:32,228
I am going to go lie down;
I'll see you around.
439
00:20:35,462 --> 00:20:38,047
Listen, all I'm asking,
is for you to see me for who I am.
440
00:20:38,047 --> 00:20:40,465
I mean, y-you shouldn't have
forced me to play sports,
441
00:20:40,466 --> 00:20:42,134
and I need you to
acknowledge that.
442
00:20:42,135 --> 00:20:44,721
I know it was a long time ago,
443
00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:48,557
but I don't feel like you and I can
move forward until we deal with this.
444
00:20:48,558 --> 00:20:50,142
Okay.
445
00:20:50,143 --> 00:20:53,313
I'm glad we did this.
Yeah, um...
446
00:20:53,396 --> 00:20:56,226
That felt good. That felt good.
447
00:20:57,608 --> 00:21:01,628
So when you get this message,
call me back.
33968
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