All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S08E15.720p

- Hey, Cam.
- Louise, what are you doing here?

You're not dropping out of the
league championship tonight, are you?

Louise is dropping out of
the league championship?

Did you shoot yourself in the leg again?

Oh, my God, we're one win away
from my first sports trophy,

and then this happens.

All I said was "Hey, Cam."

So, this year, I invited Mitchell

to join my gay bowling
team... the Britney Spares.

I came up with the team
name, I designed the shirts.

It's not important who gets the credit.

When we first stated, my bowling
was, um... well, it was iffy.

But then I practiced and I practiced

until the shoe-rental
guy called me "decent."

I'm not here as a teammate.

- I'm here on official police business.
- What?

Please tell me that is not you.

What is that?

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh.

No, no, no.

- Hmm.
- That's Fizbo...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... with a scary mask.

- That's clearly not me.
- It's not him.

No! Who would do that?

Who would take something so beautiful

and turn it into something so ugly?

How did the guy get the costume?

Oh, who knows?

Your father gave it to charity.

By accident.

How did I not hear that fight?

Was I in town?

All right, then, uh, case closed.

I'll see you guys tonight.

What? No "case closed."

We haven't even found the perp!

Look, the only reason I
was following up on this

is 'cause I thought it might be you.

Well, yeah, but we have
to get my costume back.

We have to restore Fizbo's good name.

Oh, but we're... we're still
gonna go bowling, right?

Wow.

You give away my beloved alter ego,

and you won't even allow me 30 seconds

to have an emotional reaction?

Yeah. No, it sounded
fast as I was saying it.

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And now for the finishing touch.

Franks for Frank!

Dad's bachelor party's gonna be epic.

You couldn't see it. That's why... Boom!

Chicken wraps, white wine, fudge.

Is this a bachelor party

or a party where ladies sit
around watching "The Bachelor"?

And why did you get me a triple-XL?

The lady said it'd shrink in the wash.

- How's it gonna do in the trash?
- Jay.

Kidding. I'll use it to wash my car.

My dad is marrying my
old babysitter Lorraine,

who has a son,

which means that I am
finally getting a brother!

When I was young, I
wanted a brother so much,

my folks got me bunk beds.

At night, I'd pretend he
was up there and talk to him,

and when he didn't answer
back, I always just figured,

"Well, Marty's in a mood again."

Excuse me. Do you serve crabs here?

We serve anyone.

Jokes only get old because
they're good, right?

Nailed it.

Phil, this is Ray.

Wow. I guess we're gonna be brothers.

Bring it in.

- Ah. Oh!
- Oh! No.

Oh! What's happening?

We're brothers! Isn't
this what brothers do?

I don't know, but I love it!

Whoa!

This guy totally tried
to touch my ding-dong.

- Oh.
- I didn't know

it was that kind of party.

I guess you didn't see
the white wine and fudge.

White wine? That's
not gonna get me there.

Am I the only one who sees me

choking that guy out tonight?

I don't know.

I got a good feeling about Ray,

and I-I felt a lot of him.

He's just a little
wound up from the drive.

I'm sure you'll find
he's a real solid citizen.

The sap across the
hall left his door open.

That's my room!

Oh. So, I guess you'll need these.

Before we start, thanks for agreeing

to do this read through
of my latest play,

"A Withering Farewell
Under a Harvest Moon"...

- So catch...
- ... colon, "The Tears of Angels."

- So catchy!
- Right?

It's a story of four
women who come together

to mourn the loss of
the family patriarch.

Oh, no. So sad, so very sad.

Pace yourself, crazy.
We haven't even started.

A man died, Claire.

A fake man,

and if he was a patriarch,
he was a fake old man,

and old men die.

Surely, this is a thought

that has occurred to you
from time to time, huh?

Please don't make me part of this.

Anyway, when it's over,

feel free to share your thoughts...

what you liked, what you
loved, but also the negatives...

what went over your head,
any words you didn't know.

I'm submitting my latest play
to a young playwrights festival,

but I want to hear it out loud first

to be sure I've hit
all my emotional marks.

One might ask, "Why
all female characters?"

Let's just say, write what you know.

Wait. To clarify, I understand women.

I don't feel like I am one.

110 pages?

What time are we supposed
to get out of here?

Oh, honey, you got a hot date tonight?

Mom, don't be mean. Ignore her.

I actually am in a relationship,

but I've been hiding it from everybody

because I have once
again chosen somebody

that is completely inappropriate.

It's this older guy... Ben.

He works for my mother, and
he lives with his mother.

I'm like a moth to a flame

if the flame is an
underachieving man-child

with a Tasmanian Devil
tattoo on his butt.

Sorry, this is going to
take longer than I expected.

- Can you wait there?
- Sure.

My mom's got her poker
girls over, anyway.

This one lady, Karen, she
gets real handsy with me.

She's not un-hot, either.

She's like an older, curvy...

Emily Blunt but Indian.

Don't try to make me jealous, Ben.

One of my regulars at the coffee shop

is always asking if I want
to do some motorboating.

If I didn't get seasick, I'd go.

Now, okay, I don't want
to get ahead of myself,

but does the trophy
have each of our names,

or is it just the team name,

'cause I kind want one of my own, but...

You know what? No, never mind.
I'll just get it engraved.

Okay, how can you be thinking

about bowling at a time like this?

You mean as we're going in
to our bowling championship?

Oh. Text message.

Read text message.

You have a message from Martin.

"I keep picturing you guys

"holding the trophy later tonight.

"Just kidding.

"You're not invited to my victory party.

"Ha ha."

Oh.

Hello, Martin.

Hello, Cameron. Hello, Mitchell.

Where's the rest of Britney Queers?

It's the Britney Spares, Martin.

The Britney Queers were
eliminated weeks ago.

Yes, by us.

Eventually, all will fall
to The Gay City Bowlers.

I forget. Do all the
names have to be puns?

Yes. It's like hair salons.

Unpleasant as always, Martin.

I'll see you in the alley.

I'm sure you say that to a lot of men.

Mitchell! Fizbo!

- What?
- Over there!

Cam... Cam, do you think it's possible

with how upset you are about Fizbo

that... that maybe you're seeing things?

Oh. No.

Maybe it's another guy with
purple hair and a size 23 shoe.

Maybe Dennis Rodman bowls here!

And we begin.

"Lights up on the living
room of James Pickett.

"The furnishings and art
tell us he was a wealthy man,

"but his money couldn't buy taste.

"Enter four women in black
returning from a funeral.

"First, James' widow
Chloe Dubois-Pickett"...

That's me!

"... a beautiful French
commoner who married up."

Ooh, là là.

"Next is Bailey, the granddaughter...

"cute as a button and just as smart."

I like her.

"Following her is James' sister,

"Professor Alma Diller, 60s.

"There's no problem she can't solve

"except her own loneliness.

"Finally, James' daughter Kate...

"attractive, intense, sharp-tongued,

"fleeting moments of warmth."

"Fleeting moments of warmth"?

I get it.

This is the story of the four of us

through some sort of
distorted Manny lens.

Yeah, just because I'm smart,

- I end up a spinster?
- Mm-hmm.

You know what I could be doing right now

- if I didn't get seasick?
- Okay, calm down.

These characters are a compilation

of many other women I've
known, not you people.

Okay, let's start.

"Kate enters and crosses
straight to the credenza.

"As she pours herself a
much-needed glass of wine"...

Mm.

Right.

"To be honest, I can't believe

"the old grump didn't die years ago."

Nice. My first line is something
horrible about my dead dad.

How cold do you think I am?

Didn't I just say it's not you?

- Isn't it, though?
- What?

"Old people die, get over it"?

That was, like, 20 minutes ago.

- Okay, now, hang on a second.
- Okay, this seems like a whole thing,

so I'm just gonna go
grab a water real quick.

Oh, come on.

- Who are you texting?
- Ahh! No one.

I'm just reading my horoscope.

Liar. Why would anyone read their
horoscope so late in the day?

Everything's already happened.

- There's a dude, isn't there?
- What? No.

Sneaking off with your
phone, the clean hair,

your one bra that
fits properly... spill.

Okay, fine.

There is a dude.

Oh, God, it's not another
high-school boy, is it?

No. He's legal.

He's just embarrassing
in a different way.

You know you've been like
this your whole life...

ashamed of the romantic,
sexual part of you.

Honestly, it seems like you
think you don't deserve it,

but you do.

And if this guy is fun and good to you

and doesn't ride a scooter,

let it be okay.

Haley.

Thanks.

Ladies, I don't know
what emotional thing

is playing out right now,

but how about you
save it for over there?

And then I sent you the cutest video

of a puppy nursing on a mama lion,

and what do you text back?

"She's getting him fat

so that he tastes better at lunch"?

Yeah, so what? My
crime is I'm hilarious?

Can we get back to this, please?

Kate just said she couldn't believe

her father didn't die sooner, then...

"The Widow Dubois slumps
in a chair, emotional."

"Ohh, ma chérie,

"your papa would be
devastated to hear you say

"such insensitive things."

Really?

Are you gonna do the whole accent thing?

Lo and behold...

what do we see?

The queen of spades is gone!

Where could she be?

In Frank's pocket. I
saw you put it there.

So it is!

Great trick, Phil.

And nice assist, Ray.

I thought this was supposed
to be a bachelor party.

Where's the female entertainment?

Oh, don't you worry about that.

♪ Mr. Sandman ♪

- ♪ Bring me a dream ♪
- ♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Make him the cutest
that I've ever seen ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Give him two lips ♪

- ♪ Like roses and clover ♪
- ♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ And tell him that his
lonesome nights are... ♪

What are you doing?!

Calling time of death.

Oh, not you ladies.

You're still very vital, of course.

Hey, we really appreciate

all the riveting you did during the war.

Dad was enjoying them.

Just as well.

I'm about to be married.

I don't need to be tempted

by all those bum, bum, bums.

Oh, is that it for
the planned activities?

No, we're just getting started.

For the next hour, it's
a $5 buy-in game of Uno,

then downstairs to Captain Scupper's,

the best oysters in the desert.

And finally, put on
your neckties, gentlemen,

'cause I have four balcony seats...

to Mr. Neil...

- Please say "Diamond."
- ... Sedaka.

What a night!

Oh, we need some ice.

I'll be right back.

What the hell's Uno?

Sort of a thinking man's Crazy Eights.

Instead of playing cards up here,

there is a casino downstairs

with actual big-boy drinks.

I'm right behind him.

We'll grab Phil on the way.

Or wouldn't it be fun for him...

to try and find us?

Oh, he'll love that!

Hey, Louise,

I just saw that psycho imposter clown

out by the dumpster giving
me threatening looks.

- Look, Flouncy...
- It's Fizbo.

I'm talking to you.

I don't have time for
your clown nonsense.

We've got a championship to win.

I'm gonna go warm up
with the Pindigo Girls.

Why does this have
to be happening today?

Mitchell,

maybe it's happening because it's today.

Maybe somebody is
trying to get in my head

to throw me off my game.

Oh, honey, do you really
think people care enough to...

Hey, you know what, there are
six people just in my eyesight

that would do anything to
break my winning streak.

For instance, Martin.

He's never forgiven
me for making him feel

like your father was in love with him.

Okay, it couldn't have been Martin.

We saw him, like, three seconds
before you thought that you saw Fiz...

- Actually saw.
- Okay.

And what's this about my dad?

Fine. It's not Martin.

But it certainly could be Señor Kaplan.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis.

Hola, Señor Kaplan.

If you're here to talk
trash, I'm not interested.

Where were you 20 minutes ago,

and can anybody account
for your whereabouts?

Not that it's any of your business,

but I happened to be in the
photo booth taking some solos.

I'm gonna use number
three for my new passport.

I would use number two.
There's a twinkle in your eye.

But I have a different theory

as to where you were 20 minutes ago,

and it would have given
you exactly enough time

to change out of a clown
costume into your bowling outf...

- What's wrong?
- Wha... No. No, no.

I just saw... I just saw Fi... Fizbo

in... in... in the mirror.

I don't know what's
going on with you, Tucker,

but in my culture, we like to call it...

loco en la cabeza.

Okay, you know what? Knock
it off. You're Canadian.

"You all seem to forget I'm not alone.

"I have Albert.

"You can search the
world, and I defy you

"to find a more devoted, loving...

"parrot."

"I used to like talking to Albert,

"but then we got into
a fight over a cracker."

"Kate whispers to Bailey
as they watch the Widow

"sadly plunking notes on the piano."

"How long do we have to stay with her?

"We can leave now, right?"

"I knew when your papa died,

"I would never see you again."

"No matter what I do,

"you refuse to accept

"that I accepted you."

"Mais non.

"I'm sorry.

"I'm just so emotional today."

"But of course you are, Chloe.

"And I'm sorry if I made
you feel like an outsider."

"I love you, you know? Je t'aime."

"I love you, too."

Black out.

Bravo! Bravo!

Really, Manny?

My character gets into a fight
with a parrot over a cracker?

I told you that story in confidence.

And for the record...

I am nothing like my character.

I'm not lonely at all.

I have tons of options.

I'm actually going to see one right now.

And thanks to Haley,

I'm no longer ashamed
of talking about him.

Ooh! Who is it?

- No one.
- What's his name?

- Nothing.
- But...

Well, if that's it for the feedback...

- No, actually...
- Oh. Yay.

... for me, the ending
felt a little trite.

There's a lot of good stuff in there,

but the whole "I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

"I love you, I love you"... I just...

I think women are more
complicated than that.

Don't listen to her, Manny.

The ending was beautiful.

It's just that some
women have a hard time

expressing their feelings.

Oh, this again?

- Gloria, I'm a very feeling person.
- Oh, really?

From the woman that
writes in my birthday cards

"Best, Claire."

How is that not warm?

I am wishing you quite
literally the best.

I am a person in your family.

I am not the woman
that does your eyebrows.

Why would I send her a birthday card?

The question is...

why can't you write "Love, Claire"?

I write "Love, Gloria."

I even dot the "I" with a huge heart.

I tell you that I love
you, and you say "Me, too."

Why? Why can't you tell
me that you love me?

I don't know why I
can't tell you that I...

There was a time when I wanted to,

and then the moment
passed and time went by

and then it just felt forced.

You... you say it all the time.

One could argue that dilutes it.

Oh, so now it's my fault?

I am lashing out at you

because this is not the first time...

I've been accused of this.

I am sorry I haven't
said it before, Gloria.

I love you.

I love you.

- Mm.
- Okay.

My God, you're right.

It is trite.

- You got this, Sam!
- Come on.

Come on!

You on the other hand... you
throw one more gutter ball,

and I will literally
frame you for murder.

No pressure.

Mwah!

I wonder what that's about.

Oh! Shh, shh, shh!

- Shh, shh, shh!
- Hmm.

You two seem awfully chummy.

Well, if by "chummy," you mean,

"in the throes of an
electric sexual relationship,"

then, yes, you bet your
bowling balls we're chummy.

Oh, my gosh.

I just put it all together.

You're both Fizbo.

When I'm with one of you,

the other's wearing the costume,
creating the perfect alibi.

Light-bulb moment!

This clown thing again.

Look, Tucker, if I
wanted to get back at you

for, oh, I don't know,
say something like

setting me up with your
straight father-in-law,

I certainly wouldn't do it by
stealing your stupid Bozo suit.

- It's Fizbo.
- Way to take the high road, sweetie.

First, I'd hack your e-mails,

then I'd create several
fake social-media accounts,

which I would use to mount the
multi-pronged smear campaign

to drive a wedge between
you and everything you love.

Wow.

That's maybe a bit of a red flag.

And then I'd get several
credit cards in your name

and then embark on a
massive identity-theft scheme

that would leave you bankrupt

and, with any luck at all,
facing criminal charges.

- That's what I'd do.
- Okay.

She's a bit of a handful, huh?

You know, I was thinking,
maybe we should take a beat

on meeting your parents this weekend.

What do you say? All right.

What?

Bravo!

Bravo.

If you think your little
over-the-top revenge monologue

is gonna throw me off your scent,

then you are sorely mistaken.

Now open your bag.

- What?
- All of you,

open your bags!

You don't have... Cam, you got to stop.

- Open them!
- Hey, hey!

You're paranoid. You are paranoid.

No one is dressing up...

Oh, damn it, I hate
it when you're right.

What... Oh! There he is!

Chase him! Get him!

Stop!

Imposter!

- Oh.
- Close your door, ma'am!

- We're in pursuit! Thank you!
- Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

- We lost him.
- Wait. His mask.

- It smells like beer and cheese fires.
- Oh, Mitchell,

- that's good investigative work.
- Yes.

You've narrowed it down to
everyone in the bowling alley.

Uno.

There you are.

We've been looking all over for you.

Did you check in here, in
the room where the party is?

Don't worry. We didn't forget about you.

- Boop.
- I hope it was worth it.

We missed our reservation
to Captain Scupper's.

Don't worry, Phil. We ate.

Pit boss sent some shrimp
cocktails over to our craps table.

Along with some regular
cocktails, am I right?

Yeah!

You... you had to be there.

I get it. You had shrimp and drinks.

Now, if it's not too much trouble,

maybe we could get back on schedule.

We don't want to miss
Sedaka's opening act...

Extremely Little Richard.

Good golly, is he small!

Change of plans...
I traded those tickets

for seats to "Sexcalibur."

- You what?
- It's a dirty "Medieval Times."

Are you kidding me?

It's okay, Phil.

I waited 79 years to see Neil Sedaka.

I can wait another 79.

No, Dad. You're being too nice.

This is your bachelor party, not yours!

You're ruining this whole night.

You ruined it when you planned it.

And get that finger out of my face.

Nobody hijacks my dad's party,

and nobody tells me where...

to put my finger.

Boop!

Here we go.

I wanted a brother when I was 10,

not a 10-year-old brother!

You're the baby!

You're older, but you're the baby.

You're no Marty!

It's not much of a fight,
but maybe we should...

I know. I thought it was gonna get good.

All right, that's enough. Stop.

Phil, you're being ridiculous.

Ray, I don't know you, but
you seem like a horse's ass.

All right, now! Grow up!

Start acting like gentlemen.

Uh, would you two mind

stepping out in the hall for a second?

- I need to have a word with Phil.
- All right, but hurry up.

We don't want to miss the
unlacing of the first wench.

You know, I really appreciate

all you've done arranging
my party, but, you know,

I'm happy doing whatever.

Is something else bothering you?

I don't know.

So much is changing, Dad.

I guess I'm kind of afraid
that this is the end of an era.

Now I have to share you
with Lorraine, with that.

You're not losing me.

As a matter of fact, you're
gonna be seeing a lot more of me.

Lorraine and I have been kind
of kicking around the idea of...

moving to California.

To be closer to me?

Yes.

And to be farther from Ray.

Hey, Louise,

we just saw evil Fizbo again.

It's true. I was there. We
lost him in the parking lot.

Yeah, we looked in every car.

Geez, Louise, there has
to be something you can do.

Fine. First thing tomorrow,
I'll look into it...

- if you can focus on bowling.
- I can.

There you are. I've been
looking all over for you.

- It's your turn.
- Sorry. I was in the ladies room.

I was putting IcyHot on my hammies.

Mm.

Ahh! Ohh.

D-Did you do something to your hand?

I just hurt it playing air hockey.

They got rid of the air
hockey table months ago.

Uh... nothing. I mean, I was...

Wait... w-wait... wait a minute.

You go missing,

then you mysteriously
hurt your hand, and t...

Okay, okay... there is
lipstick in this mask,

and it is... it is the same shade

as the lipstick on your beer.

You're Fizbo?

You wear lipstick?

But you're on our team.

Why would you do this?

Because you bug me.

That's it?

You picked the team name,
you designed the shirts,

you take all the credit.

Everything's about you.

You messed with his head so he'd
lose us the team championship.

Yeah, opening the door
for... for you to be captain.

I should be captain.

Give me my Fizbo.

You get out of my face.

Wait, wait, no. Hold on. Hold on.

Is there still a chance
that we could win this?

Not unless we can pick
up 57 pins in one frame.

Yeah. And you get out of his face.

Hello, fruit of your father's loins.

"Mitchell's" fine.

You know, speaking of Jay...

You brought him up.

Well, your father and I had a moment...

- Uh-huh...
- ... a couple of years ago

when he was pretending to be gay

so that he could bowl in our league.

I know he said it was all an act,

but what I felt from him...

It was just so very real.

Okay, Martin, I hate
to break this to you,

but my dad is potentially the
straightest man on the planet.

Yeah, but that not withstanding,

do you think maybe you could
give me his phone number?

It's just always felt like
unfinished business to me.

I am not giving you his phone number.

- I'll give you my trophy.
- It's 3-1-0...

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