All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S08E12.720p

Crap. Crap.

Crappacino. Charlie Craplin.

In Colombia, when the old man
starts yelling at the mail,

we put them on a sandbar and
wait for the tide to come in.

Well, Delgado's got a doozy
of a Valentine's dilemma.

I texted out feelers for two dates.

Vicky Noh is top choice, but
Alexa Potts has been doing

this bad-girl thing lately I'm into.

So, while I wait for a yes from Noh,

I've got to keep Potts
on the back burner.

Oh, my God. Is it still talking?

Jay, that's so rude!

He overthinks everything.

- [Ringtone plays]
- If you have a shot

at the bad girl, jump.

I don't know.

She has a stepdad who only pays
attention to her hot older sister.

I will dial the phone for you.

- Ugh.
- [Cellphone chimes]

That was Joe's school. He's in trouble.

We need to go meet with the teacher.

What the hell did he do?

He robbed a bank and took 18 hostages.

How would I know? Let's go.

[Sighs] It's a no-go.

Alexa wanted to use the hot tub tonight,

but apparently can't
find her bathing suit.

If you don't come home smelling
of light beer and chlorine,

do not come home at all.

♪ ♪

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com

Uh, honey?

Um...

- Whoa.
- Happy...

- Valentine's Day, my love!
- [Gasps]

Oh, thank you.

I love this. What is it?

It's the actual porch swing
where we had our first kiss.

- No.
- Check it out.

The carvings are still on
the back from 25 years ago.

Oh, my gosh. "Phil hearts Claire."

Oh, honey, this is gonna look
so great out on our porch.

- I can't believe you did this.
- [Laughs]

- Wow.
- It was nothing.

I made a few calls,

- drove half a day...
- Uh-huh.

... had Campari and haggled
with a handsy gay landlord,

took the swing apart,
loaded it in a van,

ran out of gas in the desert,

got harassed by a shady state trooper,

and drove back with a blinding migraine.

But easy-peasy.

- I love it.
- [Chuckles]

Knock, knock. Happy Valentine's Day...

or, as I call it, "the best
night to go to the grocery store."

And here is your Valentine's gift.

I wrapped it myself in the office,

and then, like a dingdong,
I left it there, so...

Whoa, sparkly.

Just like you. That's
why I picked the wrapping.

- She sure did.
- Yeah. Go ahead.

[Coughs]

Claire, I think I know what this is.

- I can't believe you did this.
- I know, right?

You got me an old watch.

- Pretty cool, right?
- So cool.

I've got a crazy-good poker face,

but I didn't love the watch.

I'd been dropping these big hints

about a pair of genuine
Houdini handcuffs

on sale at a local magic shop.

They're from his famous Coffin
of Cobras Escape of 1923.

The trick was so shocking

that women went into spontaneous labor

and the men paired off
in violent fighting.

I, uh, don't think it's working.

- Uh...
- Oh, well, I mean,

I'm just seeing this
watch for the first time,

but it looks like
it's got a self-winder.

- You just move your...
- Yeah.

... arm around to keep it going.

I should probably get going.

- Mother's waiting in the truck...
- Mm-hmm.

... and she's patient until she isn't.

[Truck horn blares]

Oh, and I've got to get to work, too,

before all the single gals show up.

It's pretty hard to concentrate
with all the bathroom crying

and the half-eaten chocolates
getting hurled at the wall.

- Have a good one.
- I will.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wow. Those are nice.

Yeah, they were on the front porch.

They're from a mystery admirer.

The card says, "You
don't know your power."

Oh, that's my bad.

I was power-washing the flagstones

- in my old cheer shorts...
- They're for me.

Yeah, don't ask who they're from,

because I don't know,
but I will find out.

- Oh.
- What happened to your arm?

Oh, I am winding an old watch

that your mother gave
me for Valentine's Day.

Oh. That's pretty uneven. You
gave her this awesome swing.

Man, where did Mom find
a guy as sweet as you?

Actually, she hit me with her car

when I was break-dancing
in a KFC parking lot.

And your mother's not unromantic.

She's just been busy with work lately.

Well, you've been
married for like 25 years.

What's that supposed to mean?

You guys are overdue for the romance

to fizzle out a little bit.

Oh, well, it's nice to know

that some dime-store posies
from an unnamed stalker

have made you an expert
on matters of the heart.

It so happens that your
mother is still very romantic,

which I will prove with a surprise visit

to her office this afternoon.

[Thud]

Let me guess... you built this inside

and didn't measure the door?

Card was right. You don't
know your own power...

to be mean.

[Thud]

Thank you so much for helping us out.

Ah, yeah. Rainer has work, anyways.

He does this Valentine's Day thing

- where he tracks Cupid on the radar.
- Aww, cute.

Oh, and Lily gets to stay
up a little later tonight

because she had a
big-girl moment at school.

Yes, this boy Jagger...
'cause that's a name now...

teased her and she told him
off in front of everybody.

And we're proud of you
because you used your words.

She used our words.
We wrote her a little speech.

She really told that kid off good.

Our society encourages
women to be unassertive,

so we need to do everything we
can to... to really empower Lily.

We may not get women,

but that allows us to really get women.

We may not hook up with women,

but we really understand women.

I think it was clear when I said it.

So, what's with this whole
"going out early" thing.

Well, it's been forever since
we've had a date-night out,

and so we made a little
list of the six things

that we love to do,

- but never get to do.
- [Cellphone chimes]

Ugh, pathetic.

Okay, we get to say that, not you.

No, no, no, it's Dylan.

He texts me every Valentine's
Day begging to hook up.

Oh, that is sad.

I know. It almost never works.

All right, you old bags,

put your teeth in, you're taking me out.

Sal, what are you doing here?

It's Valentine's Day

and my new German boyfriend,
Werner, is out of town,

and I don't like to drink alone.

[Laughter]

The first part's true.

Well, actually, we have plans.

Aw, but now you have better plans.

Fausta here can babysit Sammy

and General Tsour over there.

Sammy, tell your guncles
hello like I taught you.

- Enchanté.
- Ahh!

- What am I looking at here?
- I'm raising him gay.

Tell Uncle Mitchell what
you think about those pants.

Tragic.

Oh, it's sticking!

[Laughs]

- So, come on. Let's go.
- Uh...

Hey, if she's watching the kids,

I don't want to be a fourth wheel,

so I'll just come and join you three.

- That... that sounds great.
- Ahh!

Mitchell, can I talk to
you over by the fireplace?

Yeah, yeah.

- Hey, so what about our plans?
- Look, you know Sal.

She's not gonna leave
until we agree to this.

So, look, we'll just get
the two of them drinking.

They won't even notice when we slip away

and, you know, get back to our list.

- That's a good plan.
- Yeah.

You know what? I didn't even
want to do number one anyway.

It makes me feel dirty and ashamed.

Okay, well, bye-bye, Cheesecake Factory.

Wow. All right.

Ms. Clarke: I asked you
guys to come in today

because Joe has given me a very, um,

inappropriate Valentine's Day gift.

- [Gasps]
- I assume that...

he got this from home?

Ms. Clarke, I am so sorry.

I'm sure that Joe doesn't
even know what he was doing.

Oh. [Laughs]

Looks like I'm finally gonna
get to fight with one son

over the Sports
Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Jay, this is not funny.

I come from a very long
line of overly sexy men.

My cousin Ricardo,
he had a sex addition.

You mean "addiction."

Uh, yeah, sorry.

He built an addiction onto his house

for making love to his many girlfriends.

Well, Joe just needs to know

that this type of gift is not okay.

And you're right, and
I'm gonna talk to him.

Did I do something wrong?

You did take something

out of your mom's drawer without asking.

But I'm gonna give
you a pass on that one.

The thing is, the
gift was inappropriate.

Well, you give underpants to Mom.

True.

You do it every year.

Look, you can give that kind of thing

to your wife or your girlfriend.

But it's a little bit different
when it's your teacher, okay?

Fine. Can I go back
to the quiet room now?

I already missed half of my nap.

You know how I get.

Sure. Go ahead.

Everything's squared away.

Ms. Clarke, sorry for the trouble.

May I have that back?

[Laughing] Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.

I didn't know that real humans
could have these dimensions.

- Thanks.
- [Laughs] Thank you.

Oops.

I seem to have dropped
my spare hotel key.

- Phil...
- Shh.

No need to call whoever this Phil is.

You're in no danger.

This key is to room 422 at
the Ramada down the street.

Slip out when you can.

I'll pre-disable the smoke detectors

so you don't set it
off when you shimmy out

of those sensible wide-leg trousers.

For the past several Valentine's,

we've adopted sexy alter egos...

Juliana, wild and spontaneous,

and Clive, passionate
collector of beautiful women

and antique sailing maps.

- Clive, I love this id...
- Shh.

Save that energy, my dear.

This hotel has a very short memory

and a very long outdoor staircase.

Claire, you have to finish
signing these contracts.

Hey, Phil.

[Chuckles] Phil? No.

Name's Clive, friend.

Say, maybe you could
take over here for a bit.

[Clears throat] I'll make
sure the boss lady's back

in one piece no later than...

Oh, come on.

- Hi, Phil.
- It's Clive, actually.

Apparently they have a thing
like how you and your sister

go to those conventions
dressed like stuffed animals.

Oh. Uh, Claire, your 2:00 is
here and you can't be late.

Phil, look, I really
appreciate this. I do.

- It's just that...
- So, I spoke to the florist.

Turns out my admirer sent
these from Pritchett's Closets.

I may have a sad love life,
but I don't need my mommy

trying to boost my self-esteem.

And if you really want to
give me some confidence,

how about a picture of me on your desk,

and not just Haley and Luke.

First of all, I didn't
give you those flowers.

Second of all, there
is a picture of you.

- Where is it?
- Mm-hmm.

[knocking]

Salutations.

Yes, hello.

I've got a meeting.

Ben, you're gonna finish
the contract stuff.

Margaret, you're gonna take Alex.

You're gonna find out who's using
our account for flowers, okay?

Phil, honey,

we'll do Valentine's Day later, okay?

Do I know that guy in the cloak?

Ah, hinge specialist. You
might've seen him around.

He's the guy for offbeat
swivels and rare-beveled hook joints.

I find everything you
just said very titila...

- Shh.
- [Gasps]

We'll make up for this
later over dinner, I promise.

I've got it all planned.

This whole Clive thing
wasn't even necessary.

Claire was taking me
out to dinner all along.

Romance strong as ever.

[Intercom beeps]

Claire: Margaret, get a reservation
for me and Phil tonight, anywhere.

I've got too much going
on to even think about it.

[Chocolate thuds]

Sal: Werner is great.

You know, he's a rich musician,
tours a lot, no strings.

Well, um...

[Both yawn]

this has been fun, but we should, uh...

You're not going
anywhere, Carrot Bottom.

Oh, my God. Is that Rainer?

Why is he with another woman?

That sounds cheat-y.

That's Haley's weatherman boyfriend.

- Sorry, Hale.
- We need to leave.

- No, you got to go confront him.
- Mm.

I'm upset. I've had a couple drinks. No.

Okay.

So, what's it like touring the world

- with other Canadian acrobats?
- What?

We just assumed you were a
member of Cirque du Soleil.

Yup, because you're
bending over backwards

to avoid standing up for yourself.

And setting a good example

- for other women.
- For other women.

You both were thinking that?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

- Fine.
- Finally.

I was beginning to think she was weaker

than Mitchell's jawline.

Everyone knows why you grew that thing.

Okay, this coming from the
woman who... who won't admit

that she's upset that her
boyfriend abandoned her

on Valentine's Day.

Oh, and didn't you just
get back from learning

how to plant corn with the Indians?

Because you look, to us,

- like an early settler.
- Settler.

Both: We're saying that you settle.

You practice this at home, don't you?

Both: We do not.

Now, I knew it couldn't
be angels bowling, so...

I thought you were working today.

And didn't we agree that you
never wear that sweater again?

- My...
- Excuse me.

We're kind of on a date right now.

Uh, Haley.

Oh, save it, you lying,

cheating, middle-aged pointer.

That's what you do,
you know... you point.

You point for your money! We are done!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh.

My hair.

- [Gasps]
- Oh, that was crazy

and great and awful and
I don't know what to do.

- I'm just gonna go home.
- What?! No! I like you now.

Werner has a yacht with
a full bar. Let's go.

I'm not letting you
go home in this mood.

- Yes.
- Okay, well, you know,

that sounds kind of
like a girl thing, so...

[Cellphone ringing]

Oh, okay, if that's Rainer calling

to make excuses, don't answer.

It's just pathetic Dylan
trying to hook up again.

Let me handle this.

Hey, Boo Boo.

Well, another woman empowered.

- It's what we do.
- Yes, it is.

- Okay, back to the list.
- [Cellphone rings]

Oh, wait one second. It's Lily.

Hey, honey. Is everything okay?

- Jagger was very hurt by our speech.
- Well...

She didn't answer his texts

- 'cause we told her not to.
- Good.

- He ran away.
- He did?

People are forming a human chain

to search for him in the woods.

Okay, honey, well, we'll
be home soon, all right?

Do you think we have some responsibility

in this Jagger situation?

Ah... no. No.

They... they chose to
build near the woods.

- Good advice is good advice, okay?
- That's right.

You guys, where's Haley?

Um, she is on a boat in the marina,

putting you in her rearview mirror.

- Boats have those, don't they?
- I think so.

You guys, I was only letting that woman

think we were on a date

because she runs a celebrity site

that buys photos from paparazzi, okay?

I was trying to get one of me back

because Haley is in it
and this is the photo.

- No. God, no.
- Oh, my gosh.

Bedhead, sneeze face, and UGG slippers?

And now Haley's not answering my calls

and somehow I'm supposed to
smile through a weather report

in 15 minutes?

Pull yourself together, Rainer.

You're a weatherman.

Do you think our advice...

Sucked? Yes. Yes.

We need to get to that boat
before Haley hooks up with Dylan.

She wouldn't do something that stupid.

Did you see the UGGs?

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mom, I'm home.

We got valentines.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kewley.

Is the party over?

We had an incident.

Your son gave my Bailey

a very strange Valentine's gift.

I am so sorry.

Didn't your father talk
to you about this already?

Yeah, and he said it's okay
to give it to a girlfriend.

We're going. And Bailey is
certainly not his girlfriend.

She would be lucky!

Is that Bailey?

'Cause I think Joe has
a little thing for her.

Yeah, he did have a
little thing for her.

It's here. He did it again.

I knew I shouldn't have
trusted you talking to him,

because you will let
him get away with murder

because he's a mini you and you like it.

And you know what's worse?

That you're so mean to Manny

because he's different than you.

First off, Joe is not a mini me.

Crap.

Crapola. Crapinski.

Well, maybe a little, and
maybe I kind of like it.

But why would you want to
knock the Jay out of Joe?

Instead of one trophy, you get two.

Ugh.

- Mitchell: Okay, thank God.
- Cameron: Oh, gosh.

- Hi.
- Hey.

What are you guys doing here?

Need a sailor to cross off number four

on that Valentine's Day list of yours?

Was that mean? I've been
around Sal, I've lost my filter.

You know what? We all make mistakes.

Which is a-a funny thing to remember

when we tell you about a
very funny misunderstanding.

Cameron, Mitchell, what
a pleasant surprise.

Sal, you okay? You seem not yourself.

Yeah, I feel like you used to blink.

I took your advice. Called Werner.

Told him I wasn't going to settle.

- How did that...
- [Shatters]

How... how did that go?

He was thinking that we
might be something special,

and then I gave him the ultimatum,

and he said, "Maybe we're
not actually meant to be."

I don't know what's happening.

S-Sal, w-what are you doing?

Straightening up.

You know, a place for everything...

- No.
- ... everything in its place.

Hey, what about this?

This was actually salvaged
from the Bismarck.

- Oh.
- Oh, wow.

- That's...
- Ah! [Laughs]

Why are you helping?

Feels good. Men suck.

No, no, n-not all men, okay?

We... we just talked to Rainer, and, um,

that wasn't a date.

- What?!
- [Shatters]

Okay, why did you break that?

'Cause now I'm mad at you!

You made me break up with him!

Oh, my God. Now I have to
call Rainer... and Dylan.

- Um... Sal,
- Oh, Sal, sweetie...

- you gotta...
- ... you're spilling there.

- lift it, lift it.
- Oh, clumsy, clumsy.

I'll just make it all go away.

- No! We are still on board.
- No, Sal.

[Blows] We are sorry
we made you call Werner.

We didn't [blows] know
that that was gonna happen.

So you have to understand
that you... [blows]

Mitchell [blows] you want to
step in here? I'm getting dizzy.

- I am...
- [Blows]

- Stop it!
- Okay, no more. No more matches.

No more matches.

Okay, what... I don't know what to do.

Okay, well, maybe we should just...

Werner's precious Tony Award.

He keeps in at sea as
the ultimate aphrodisiac.

- For women?
- [Sighs]

Auf Wiedersehen,
Award for Best Orchestration.

- Oh, my God. No. Sal, Sal. No.
- Haley, help.

I will not tell your gay son

that you threw a Tony into the ocean.

- [Straining] Give it to me!
- No!

- Aah!
- [Water splashes]

Oh, my God. Did she fall in?

No. I've got her right here.

Sal, we are so sorry.

If it wasn't for our stupid advice,

you would've left things alone
and things might've been okay.

- Shut up!
- Okay, okay.

That cold water woke me
up to the hard truth...

I'm smart, I'm beautiful,

- I'm legendary in bed,
- Okay.

yet I do settle.

I mean, Werner is not
good enough for me.

I mean, I get why you
two idiots settled.

This is the best you're
gonna do, right here.

You're perfectly matched.

Both: Aww.

Well, it's kind of sweet
when you look at it that way.

Yeah.

We are very lucky.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Yeah, happy Valentine's Day.

Shut up. Read a room, poofs.

Hey. Margaret said you
keep the phone records.

Why? What do you need them for?

I'm still trying to find out
who sent me those flowers.

- You keep them in here?
- No, don't.

Don't. [Clears throat]

Ben, why do you have this
photo of me in your desk drawer?

I think someone's pranking me, probably.

- I'm gonna go.
- Okay.

Wait, look. I sent the flowers, okay?

When you temped here last summer,

I became tempted
[chuckles] by your charms.

Well, thank you, but aren't you like 40?

What? I'm 26.

I... I had a SweeTART
addiction when I was a kid

and I permanently damaged my collagen.

Wow. I've been in a series of bizarre,

shame-filled relationships.

You work for my mother.
You still live at home.

Look at all those medications.

- Kiss me.
- What?

Whoa. [Chuckles]

Okay, that was very cool,

but you should know that I have
dedicated my life to closets,

I am obsessed with your grandfather,

and I sleep with a body pillow
that I put a nightgown on.

Stop, you're making it better.

- Here you go.
- Busy night, sir.

I assume you have a reservation?

Yes. My wife made it.

She kind of dropped the ball on my gift,

but she came through with a
table at the legendary Enrico's.

I'm sorry, sir

Enrico's is a couple doors down.

So, just yourself?

Uh, no, I'll be meeting my wife tonight.

[Laughs]

That's the spirit.

[Golf plays on TV, door opens, closes]

What'd I miss?

This overpaid bum missed a putt.

I'm supposed to not like this.

[Sighs] Well, call me an idiot, Jay.

Sure enough, Alexa and I did
end up in a hot tub together.

But around her third beer,

I suggested she have some
water to stay hydrated.

She tried to shut me up by kissing me,

which I liked, but she
kept calling me Travis.

Oh, my God! Is it still talking?!

Joe,

you don't ever disrespect
your brother like that.

And no more giving underwear
to little girls, or anyone else,

'cause it's creepy and European.

Now go to your room.

Jay: It's fun when your
kids get your best qualities,

but it's a kick in the gut

when they pick up stuff
you hate about yourself.

I saw that ugly, impatient part of me

coming out of my adorable son.

In fairness, that adorable
part also came from me.

We both got my mom's crab-apple
cheeks and pillow lips.

Hi, honey.

I'm sorry I'm late.

We had a whole incident... mwah...

at the warehouse, a paint mixer blew up.

Luckily I had these overalls
in my office I could...

Oh, you're mad, aren't you?

Mad? [Chuckles]

I mean, was this the
best Valentine's Day

we've ever had? No.

Was it the worst? Yes.

I gave you a great gift.

I tried to surprise you at the office.

You repaid the effort
by making a reservation

at a truck stop and
dressing up like Tom Sawyer.

But hey, maybe this
happens to everyone, Claire.

Romance fizzles. Magic dies.

At least we can mark the
exact time it happened to us,

thanks to my new watch,

which only a switchboard
operator from the 1950s

could keep wound.

You mean this watch?

The Houdini handcuffs.

I've been taking magic lessons
as a Valentine's surprise.

Wait a minute. The supposed
hinge salesman at your office.

The Great Majesto.

Of course. I didn't recognize him

without his floor-length robe
covered in question marks.

And we also really do have a reservation

at that really nice
place down the street.

So, we should probably get your check.

Excuse me. Can we get the check?

But are you really dressed for...

So wonderful.

- I can't...
- [Laughs]

Mwah.

Come on, honey. We should get going.

Wait, uh, do you have the key?

No. But you do.

I don't deserve you.

Honey, you gave me a V.D.
I will carry with me always.

Let's say "Valentine's Day."

You know, I never thought
you'd beat my gift, but you did.

Oh, honey.

I'm beginning to think that mine

was a swing and a miss.

Hardly. Yours was fantastic.

But how about a swing with a miss?

- You are killing it today!
- I know!

Did you cover that again?

I didn't. That's weird.

[Gasps]

What the hell?

I transported it to the porch.

You're welcome.

I didn't ask him to do that...

or tell him where we live.

Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com