All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 05x15 - The Puzzle Master

Santiago, your test results

from the sergeant's
exam have arrived.

Ooh, everybody make room.

Amy needs adequate space
to do her signature dork dance.

I don't know if there's
going to be a dork dance.

I mean, look how small
that envelope is.

That's not a big,
good news envelope.

That's a little,
bad news envelope.

That's nuts.
Sarge, tell her envelope size

doesn't matter.
If I'm being honest,

I got a much bigger envelope.
Oh, God.

Unhelpful, Terry.
Very unhelpful.

- Mine was bigger, too.
- Okay.

I just won't ever open it.

That way,
I'll never get rejected.

- Fine, I'll open it.
- No!

Oh, whoa!

Do it harder.

I opened it.

You passed. Oh, my God.

I'm going to be a sergeant.

You're going to be a sergeant!

Yes!

♪ Oh, no, it's happening.

Whoo!

, yeah!
- That's my future wife!

So...

♪

Amy Santiago,
put down that melon,

for you are about
to feast your eyes

on one of the most delicious
cases in the NYPD.

I don't like the
personality I've chosen here.

I do. You sound like
Caesar Flickerman

welcoming new "Hunger Games"
tributes to the Quarter Quell.

In one week,

you will officially
become a sergeant.

Which means this case
will be the last one

we ever work together
as detectives,

so it has to be perfect.

I present to you
a serial arson case.

- Mm-hmm.
- And the fires seem to be

connected to the
Saturday crossword puzzle.

- Mama like.
- Two different buildings,

two consecutive Saturdays,

and a puzzle left
at each crime scene,

and a note was sent
to the puzzle's author,

Mr. Melvin Stermley.

He's the best in the game!

He made a puzzle once
where all the answers

were just the word "puzzle"
in different languages.

In Estonian, it was moistatus.
Yeah, well, your moistatus

is about to be hecka moist...

Don't call HR,
we are getting married...

Because Melvin Stermley
is coming in

to help us with the case!
Shawing!

Hey, I was going through your
calendar for some reason.

- It's your job.
- Right.

Anyhoobs, I wanted to remind
you about the commissioner

candidate meet and greet,
and your presentation

to the selection committee.

Being that I am
your campaign manager...

- You are not.
- I did a little sleuthing

on your rivals.
You want me to spill the beans?

Why would you ever
intentionally spill beans?

They're one of nature's most
densely packed protein sources,

and they remain
unsullied by flavor.

Okay, forget it,
I'll just mosey on out.

Fine, fine, tell me everything.

All right, have a seat.
It's Gina time.

Say hello to your compe-tish.

Bryan McCann, John Kelly,
and John Kelly.

Yes, that's right,
there are two John Kellys.

How are these not the same man?

You should see their wives.
Or should I say, wife.

Good God, do you know what
their speeches are about?

I do.

"Staying the course."

"Maintaining the course," and.

"Blazing a path
to a new future."

I'm kidding, it's
"Remaining on the course."

Unbelievable, none of these men

have any interest
in advancing the NYPD.

That's right,
because they're dinosaurs.

But do you know
what kills dinosaurs?

No.

You-steroids.

You are going
to kill these dinosaurs.

Hey, hey dum-dum.
What are you thinking?

Introducing Amy
to her celebrity crush?

Are you insane? Relax, Charles.

It's not a crush, it's her
nerdy crossword puzzling hero.

I mean, the guy's
got to be a massive dork.

His name is Melvin Stermley,
for God's sake.

Jake, he's here.
Come meet Melvin.

Hey, you can call me Vin.

Whoa, is this
a new detective car?

It sure is,
I put in the paperwork

18 months ago, and got lucky.
They fast tracked it!

Say hello to the Nine-Nine's
brand new, fully loaded,

sweet-as-hell
crime-crusher on wheels!

Holy crap, it has
a heads-up display

with built-in
license plate reader.

Who cares.
It's got two burrito holders.

Those are cup holders, Scully.

Then what am I supposed

to use my thighs for, genius?

Wait, who are you assigning
this car to, Sarge?

Um, I was actually thinking
I'd get this one.

You suck.

Whoa, the heater
in my detective car

hasn't worked in two years.
I don't have enough body fat

to keep warm,
Terry's sick of shivering.

Okay, just seems
a little selfish

to keep it for yourself
when your detectives,

who you took an oath to protect,

are stuck driving
their crappy old cars.

- Mine's the oldest.
- I've never felt so abandoned.

And I was actually abandoned.
They found me in a swamp.

Fine. We'll do a drawing for it.

But until then,
no one touches it.

Oops, too late.

I left a ranch handprint
on the windshield.

Okay, so here are your puzzles

from the days
the arsonist set the fire.

This is really good,
Amy, thanks.

Hey, so Vin, just curious.
Would you say you have

the typical physique
of a puzzle maker, or?

Well, each puzzle only pays
a couple hundred bucks,

so I mostly
make my money modeling.

Primarily swimwear.
Yeah, I hear that.

I could do that too, but I
make pretty good money here,

so I don't really need to.

Anyways, let's
talk about the case.

So here's the letter that
the arsonist sent to Vin.

"Your clues I discombobulate
to teach you to conjugate,

the fool who fails to validate
will watch as I conflagrate."

It seems like he's using my
crossword to tell me something.

Oh, maybe we should look
at anagrams of the answers.

That's really good,
"o nasty amiga!"

He re-arranged the letters
of "Amy Santiago."

He anagrammed me!
Vin, do Jake Peralta.

- I doubt that's even possible.
- Eat a jerk, pal.

What, no one's
ever said that phrase.

I really think this anagram
approach makes a lot of sense.

Let's do it.

I'll take even clues,
you take odds.

Great, and I will take
everyone's coffee order.

That's equally helpful.
I don't drink coffee.

But I'd love a kombucha.
Great, I'll just...

walk to the kombucha store.

Yeah, of course.

You can't wear
a coat over a tank,

You're not Ryan Gosling.

No, not at all.
I mean, I am a little surprised

that somebody named Melvin
is so bodacious,

but I feel that jealousy
is an ugly emotion.

- That you are feeling.
- And I'm just glad

that Amy is spending
some time with her hero.

- Who is super hot.
- Charles, let it go.

- And smart.
- I'm serious, stop.

And hilarious.

Eat a jerk, pal!

Vin, I see
you're still coatless.

- I run hot, like a wolf.
- Oh, I see.

I wonder if the word "conjugate"

in the arsonist's letter
means we should focus on

the verb answers.
Cool, I love verbs.

Second favorite part of speech.
Both: After prepositions.

, yeah, words are cool.

But maybe we should
switch gears a bit,

and get back to some good
old-fashioned police work.

Well, whoever's setting

these fires is clearly trying
to humiliate Vin.

You know, make a puzzle
he can't solve.

So maybe we should focus
on people that don't like you.

Jake has a point about motive.

Maybe another puzzler
wants to take you down.

Well, if you're
looking for a puzzle head,

I'm hosting a crossword night
at the Turnkey Bar tonight.

Oh, I've always
wanted to go there.

That place is a total puzz-hang.

Ah, gross, all right,
so we'll go undercover,

chat some people up, and see
if we can't find our arsonist.

- Good idea.
- Oh, Amy likes my plan.

Great, so Vin, why don't we
just get this coat back on you,

and I'll help you
get out of the door, here.

And we'll see you tonight,
okay, bye!

The best.

Yeah!

Wow, the competition
looks even older in person.

What do you think these
dinosaurs are talking about?

Where to find "Matlock" reruns?

Be professional, Gina.

Like the homecare nurses

who will tuck them
into bed tonight.

- Oh, hello, John.
- Raymond.

I just want to say
what an honor it is

to be up for the same job

as a man with your...
experience.

Thank you.

I paused suggestively
before I said "experience,"

so he would know
it wasn't really a compliment.

I invented the pause.

Raymond Holt,
I'm Captain Olivia Crawford.

I'm the new candidate
for commissioner.

Yeah, I replaced
the other candidate.

He retired to spend more time
with his grandchildren.

Anyway, I just wanted to say
what a privilege it is

to be up for the same job
as a man with your... tenure.

- Oh, damn, she paused, dude.
- In error, I am certain.

Olivia, I may be older than you,

but I am not some dinosaur

intent on maintaining
the status quo.

For example, I would add
a social media officer

to every precinct. Interesting.

I plan on eliminating
precincts all together.

That's not how we do things.

That's exactly what
both John Kellys said.

Oh no, she's the asteroid.

And I don't want to say
you're a dinosaur, but...

You're a dinosaur.

Wow, a whole crowd
full of puzzlers.

Gotta be honest,
I'm a little disappointed

no one's wearing a green suit
covered in question marks.

That guy has
crossword puzzle pants.

Does that scratch your itch?
Very much so, thanks.

All right, we should
probably start talking

to people in line.

Pardon me there, fellow puzzler.

What do you think of
Melvin Stermley?

Uh, you mean my future husband?

And his face,
body, and brain... and body.

Honestly,
Vin makes all other men

seem really stupid and ugly.

Okay, well, thank you for your

very candid and hurtful input.

You must solve
one of Vin's puzzles to enter.

Rearrange the letters
of this phrase

to reveal a place in the world.

Oh, come on, there's no place
with that many letters in it.

I mean, most places
are, like, four letters.

You know, park, mall, dump...
United Arab Emirates!

You may enter.

Uh, you must each
answer a puzzle.

Oh... great.

Unscramble the letters
in this phrase

to reveal the name of a film
based on a classic novel.

- Okay.
- "Sad anus loser, I go in".

You know,
I feel like these puzzles

are actually very pointed.

Forget it, I got this.

Uh, A, R, uh...

Puzzle solved.

♪

Who's the anus loser now?

It's still me.

Okay, one of us
is about to get access

to the best detective car ever,
and everyone else

will go back
to driving junk cars

for the rest of your junk lives.

Damn, Sarge,
that took a dark turn.

I want seat warmers.
I want them bad.

I need this car too.

I'm sick of riding my
Vespa to work every day.

Well, being on the seat
behind you is no picnic either.

All right, here it goes.

What?

Oh, my God, it says "Terry."
I won!

♪ Terry got a car,
Terry got a car ♪

No way. You cheated.

I didn't cheat.

I bet every slip in there
says Terry.

He filled it
full of fake people.

Who the hell is Norm?
That's Scully's first name.

Stop being sore losers.

I won fair and square.

No, you won
unfair and un-square,

and I'm going to prove it.
And if we can't,

- we'll plant it.
- No.

Charles, I need your help.
What's the best way

to dry out a pant leg that's

been soaked in toilet water?
Wait 28 minutes.

Trust me, that's how long it
takes for toilet pants to dry.

Well, I can't
just be standing around

for half an hour while
Amy chats it up with Vin.

Ah, so it's not toilet water.
You're drenched in jealousy.

I told you before,
jealousy is an ugly emotion

that I don't feel.
Besides, Amy picked my plan

to come here.
Why would I be jealous of Vin?

Because of his body, and
face, and brain... and body.

Why does everybody
say "body" twice?

Oh, hang on a second.

Somebody's coming.
Vin is on fire tonight.

He's phenomenal.
No wonder the Saturday

crossword replaced Sam with him.

Sam must be pissed.
I heard the only place

that buys his puzzles now
is "Parade" magazine.

The hardest clue
he had in his last one

was a five-letter
word for a game

popular in nursing homes. Bingo.

I figured out
who the arsonist is.

It's this guy named Sam.
He's a puzzle maker.

And Vin took his job.

Oh, he's not the arsonist.

He's been out of town for weeks.

And he's one of
my closest friends.

He let me stay on his couch

when Anna Kournikova
and I broke up.

Well, I mean,
she never won a major, so.

All right, fine, if I'm so
wrong, what did you guys find?

Both fires were located

at the intersection
of numbered streets.

If you match those
intersections with the same

intersections of the
numbered clues in the puzzles,

you get the letters "MA".

We think the arsonist
is spelling his name.

We can build
a puzzle around that,

and catch him
setting his next fire.

But we have a suspect
with a crystal clear motive.

I think we need to solve this
like cops, not puzzlers.

I hear you, Jake.
But people who make crosswords

love hiding their names
in their puzzles.

It's our version
of a self portrait.

All right, you know what?

Amy, it's your last case,
you decide.

Should we go with
Vin's wacky little plan,

or should we go with Sam Jepson,

my exceptionally solid lead?
I see where you're

coming from, Jake,
but this is Vin's world,

and I think we should
go with his strategy.

- Sound good?
- Yeah.

Yeah, sounds great. Okay, great.

- Let's go.
- Yeah, let's go.

Oh, no, ugly emotion.

Okay, so we think the
arsonist is using the fires

to spell out his name.
The most common third letter

in names that start with "MA"
are I for Malcolm,

X for Max, R for Mark,
and T for Matthew.

Or his name is Sam,
and he's spelling it backwards.

Uh-huh.

Let's just stick
with the LXRT plan.

- Copy that.
- Vin designed today's puzzle

using only one
of each of those letters.

Isn't that the craziest
thing you've ever seen?

I don't know, I mean,
remember that time

we investigated the
disappearance of Mrs. Jackson,

and it turned out her
parrot ate her, bones and all?

That was pretty crazy.
That was crazy.

Yeah.

So tonight, we'll stake
out the intersections

that correspond to where
the I, X, R, and T are

in Vin's puzzle, and hopefully
catch the arsonist in the act.

I'll take the MAT corner,
you take the MAR corner,

and we'll have patrolman
take the MAL and MAX.

- Cool?
- Yep, very cool.

Okay, great, I'll get
the surveillance equipment.

Shame.

Shame, shame, shame.

I can't believe
you're doing Vin's plan.

I'm only doing it

because someone else
is going to do my plan.

You.

- Oh.
- While I'm busy watching

nothing happen
on my stupid corner,

you're going to
stake out Sam's apartment.

Then when he sets a fire,

Vin is going
to look like a dummy.

That's right,
use the jealousy, Jake.

It will give you
unimaginable power.

Yes, yes, I can feel it
coursing through my veins.

- Oh, my hand cramped.
- Oh.

Oh, it's stuck in a claw.

- It's a claw now.
- Oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
What are you doing?

You're snacking?
This is from the guy

who told me that
eating finger foods

was the one true
sign of depression?

Then watch me chew, Gina.

I'm a creature of the past.
I'm a dinosaur.

No, you are not, you're
the best man for the job.

And I think you know what
you have to do to get it.

Believe in myself
and give a great presentation?

Not even close. That's the head

of the committee over there,
gorging on crab cakes.

Just go up to him
and sabotage Olivia.

Um...

I don't think I can do that.
Well, you can't really be

the best commissioner
the NYPD has ever had

if you're not the commissioner.

Right.
You're right, I want this.

And I will do
good things for the city.

Yes, you will.
Now, get over there,

and crap all
over Olivia's ideas.

- Patrick, nice to see you.
- Hello, Raymond.

Mm.

I've been thinking recently
about how vital

the existence of
precincts is to the NYPD.

Oh, you spoke to Crawford.

She's very forward thinking,
isn't she?

I suppose you
could call it that.

I mean, I wouldn't, but...

Ray, you don't need
to worry about her.

Between you and me, we had to
nominate a girl for PR reasons.

There's no way the NYPD

is ready for
a female commissioner.

- Oh.
- Hey.

Grab a crab cake
before we start.

Real crab, big chunks.

Okay, no one saw Sarge
do anything suspicious

on the day of the drawing.
We got nothing.

Speak for yourself, sister.
We found a smoking gun.

Play it, Hitchcock.

- Voila.
- Bah-boom.

- What, I don't see anything.
- Focus on the butt.

The butt don't lie.
He squeezed his cheeks

before he opened the slip.
He knew his name was on it.

It was a pre-emptive
celebration clench.

I don't know, we need better
proof than a butt clench

to take down Terry.

I cheated. I wanted that car,
and I took it.

And it's killing me.
I couldn't sleep all night.

I just kept hearing the blinker.

You-cheat, you-cheat, you-cheat.

Here are the keys.
Take the damn car.

Terry doesn't deserve it.

And that is why I became a cop.

Hey, Charles, nothing's
happening on my MAR corner.

Any movement at Sam's place?
No, I did, however, see a

cool-looking dude in a ponytail
on a Razor scooter.

I have to admit,
I like the look.

Is it possible I'm wrong,
and Sam is out of town?

Vin's plan is actually
kind of smart.

- Jake, I have eyes on Sam.
- Yes, suck it, Vin.

My judgment is clear,
and I am a genius.

Charles, I'll be right there.

But enough about the crab cakes.

Our first presentation tonight

will be from the 99th precinct's.

Captain Raymond Holt. Raymond?

Let me begin
with a hilarious joke.

I'm surprised I was on the
short list for commissioner.

After all, I am six feet tall.

Actually, what I have to say
tonight is no laughing matter.

I was just told by a member
of the selection committee

that they have no intention

of ever choosing
a woman to run the NYPD.

I suppose I should have
been relieved,

because Captain Crawford
is a damn qualified candidate.

But as someone who has
been denied opportunity

because of who I am,

I cannot stand by and watch
it happen to someone else.

So, I will be
reserving my presentation

for a selection committee
that will judge

all of the candidates fairly.

And let's be honest.

The crab cakes were only so-so.

Thank you.

All right, talk to me,
what's happening?

What's Sammy up to?
Well, he just sat down

on the plaza.
Okay, he's opening up

his backpack and pulling out
what appears to be a thermos.

Possibly containing some sort
of accelerant-like gasoline.

- Yup.
- No, he's eating it

with a spoon.
It's soup, he's eating soup.

Well, maybe he's fueling up
for a night of starting fires.

He just pulled out a lighter!

Nope, it's not a lighter.
It's a bumblebee PEZ dispenser.

- Hmm.
- Ooh, he's making

a phone call.
Quick, get the parabolic mic.

Mom, I did something bad.

Yeah, you set some fires.

I proposed to Gretchen,
and she said no.

- So you set some fires.
- So, I left Myrtle Beach.

Two weeks ago,
and then you set some fires.

No, I got back home today.

Yeah, all my fish were dead.

Okay, so Sam didn't do it.

I should probably
get back to my corner.

Just for the record,

just because
I was wrong about Sam,

does not mean
that Vin was right.

Well, this is disappointing.

I can't believe
you left your post.

What, the plan wasn't yours,

so you didn't think
it was worth following?

Well, because of
your juvenile behavior,

one of our city's finest...

abandoned lard factories
is now burned to the ground.

My gut told me that Sam
Jepson was setting the fires.

Although I now realize
his actual life

is much sadder than that
of a serial arsonist.

But we agreed to do Vin's plan.

Vin is not a cop.

Why do you keep siding
with him instead of me?

Oh, let me guess,
because he was right,

and the building was on fire,
and he's perfect?

All right,
I didn't want to say anything

because it's a gross emotion,
but yes, I am a little bit

jealous of the
super smart supermodel.

This was our last case together.

And you and him have
been joined at the hip.

Or in his case,
that super sexy V muscle

that I don't
understand how to tone.

He told me, it's a
lot of bicycle crunches.

That's crazy,
you would just fall right off.

Babe, you have no reason
to be jealous of him.

I just...

I don't want you
to wake up one day

and with that you were with
someone as smart as you are.

I am with someone
as smart as I am.

You.

You're a brilliant detective.

I love the way you think.

That's why I want to marry you.

Marry me.

Marry. Oh, my God, look.

The arsonist spelled MAR,
but they were going to spell.

M-A-R-R-Y! Or...

Conjugate.
Conjugate means marry!

Yes, and who wants to marry Vin?

Both: The lady from the bar!

Hey, puzzle chick,
unscramble this.

You're going to "ailj."

All right, Sarge.
The car is yours.

Why?

I don't deserve that car.
I don't know about that.

I went back
and watched the tapes

to figure out how you did it.

Right before the drawing,

you got a peanut butter cup
out of the freezer.

The thing is, you don't
eat sugar past 4:00 p.m.

Could have been a cheat day.

Oh, it was
definitely a cheat day.

You froze your slip of paper,

so that when
you pulled the name,

all you had to do
was find the cold one.

So.

You thought the way I cheated

was so cool,
you gave me the car?

Yeah, but also while
I was watching those tapes,

I noticed all the nice crap
you do for people.

You got Gina
a cushion for her chair.

You let Charles
show you 130 pictures

of Nikolaj brushing his teeth.

You Heimlich'd Scully twice.

On the same peanut.
I also solved a murder.

Yeah, we all solve murders,
but you,

you let Hitchcock borrow
a pair of your socks,

because his
somehow disintegrated.

Anyway, I'm sorry I guilted you
in the first place.

You deserve that car.
Thanks, Diaz.

How did you get Hitchcock
and Scully to agree to this?

I washed their car and
told them it was a new one.

They're napping in it right now.

Smart!

- Hello, Captain Holt.
- Ah, Captain Crawford.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Captain Crawford
is here to see you.

Thank you, Gina.

So, it would seem that
we have become frenemies.

Do you know what that means?
Are you trying to imply

that I'm too old to
understand a portmanteau?

I am not, but I am
too dignified to use one.

Friend-enemy.
I just wanted to thank you,

for your brave speech.
The mayor's office has replaced

the selection committee
with a less biased one, so.

Feel free to start
calling me commissioner now.

The only time
I plan on calling you

is to hear you concede.

It's going to be
hard to hear anything

once I've crushed you
into a fine powder.

A fine powder that will
choke you until you die.

May the better candidate win.

She will.

Captain Crawford left.

So, we brought her
in this morning,

and she confessed immediately.

Hi, Vin, I love you!
Did you see my fires?

Turned out,
she was writing something.

Specifically, "marry me,
or else I will kill you."

Yours forever, Helen Gorbelson."

- Wow, that's so many fires.
- So many fires.

Thank you for catching her.
With a brilliant puzzling mind

like yours on the case,
it was only a matter of time.

Actually, Jake solved it.

He's kind of
a genius with this stuff.

Oh, thank you, then.

Couldn't have done it
without your help.

So I guess that's that.

I should probably run
if I'm going to make it

to the Javits Center by four.

They're making a mold of me for
the upcoming Bodies Exhibit.

As they should,
your body is great.

- And that's okay.
- Thanks, man.

You should join me
for a puzzle night sometime.

- Oh.
- No!

Jake is taken.
He already has a friend.

Hang out offer declined.

Now let's strut your
centerfold ass out of here.

Fremulon.

Not a doctor. Shh.