All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 05x05 - Bad Beat

Hey, Charles, can we talk in
the briefing room for a sec?

There's a question
I gotta ask you.

Mm-hmm.

It's happening.

Jake is gonna pop the question.

He's gonna ask me to be his BM.
Both: No.

BM, best man,
is a common abbreviation.

No one but you has ever used it.

I am so relieved.

I thought maybe he was gonna
ask one of Amy's brothers

or, ugh, Sarge.

Hey, man, come on.

Charles!

Okay, so I know
this is a lot to ask...

No, it's not. I want to do it.

You want to cover my shift
this weekend

so I can go to
the White Plains Mall

and Darryl Strawberry at the
opening of a cellphone store?

Yes.

It's exactly what I was hoping
you'd ask.

Great. Thanks.
You sure it's okay?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I'm very happy about it.
It'll be fun. It'll be fun.

Uh, look at my smile.
Have to go now.

All: Surprise!

Oh, my God!

- Jake!
- What do you say, bud?

Will you be my BM?

Yes! Yes, a million times, yes!

In your face, Terry!

What?
I'm holding a sparkler for you.

I helped organize a lot of this.

Well, you can stick that
sparkler up your butt.

I'm the best man!

♪

Captain, allow me
to introduce you

to major East Coast arms dealer

Dan "Daniel" Valdano.

That's right, his nickname is
longer than his actual name.

Why's that, Terry?
'Cause he's a dick.

We got a warrant to bug him,
but his house is a fortress

and he never goes anywhere
in public.

Luckily, CI just gave us
a break.

Valdano's gonna actually
leave his house

to go to a high stakes
poker game this Friday.

If we can get a seat
at that table,

we can lose this watch to him.

And guess what. It's...

both: Bugged!
- - Yes, it's bugged.

Good guess, Captain.

The plan is, we go to
the club tonight,

show off our poker skills,
and get an invite

to the high stakes game.

All we need is $15,000
to get in the door.

That's a lot of money.
How are your poker skills?

A'ight.

- Good.
- A'ight.

- Hecka good.
- A'ight.

- So good.
- Perhaps I should see

for myself.

- Oh. Do you play?
- I am...

- A'ight.
- Damn, Cap.

Are you secretly cool?
Well, poker is just math,

so I guess it depends on
if you consider

the mathematician
Carl Friedrich Gauss cool.

I do not.

All right,
let's play some cards.

Sarge asked me to help you
guys with some filing.

Holy crap, this is gonna take
all day.

Yup, it's what we call
an all-dayer.

How long did it take you two
to come up with that?

That was a two-dayer.

Okay, well, hand me some files.

You're not gonna bother
actually walking?

Why should we?
We can work from down here.

I'm sitting down
as long as I can.

I'm not getting out of the chair

till it's time to go home.

- Ugh.
- Oh, typical standing elite.

You couldn't sit all day
if you tried.

What? You don't think I could
outlast you turds in a chair?

Honey, you don't have
the ass for it.

Let's talk terms.

Both cheeks on the cushion
at all times.

Obviously. Bathroom breaks?

Two and a half minutes
every three hours.

But you gotta roll the chair
fully into the stall.

- Obviously.
- Okay.

Let's do this.
Welcome to the Buttlympics.

I call to order
the meeting of investors

in the forthcoming Charles
Boyle owned-and-operated

food truck venture.

I know I'm the only investor,

but is it cook if I take
minutes?

- Yes.
Put this down: We got a truck.

What? Really? That's huge.

Take a look.

Is that the NYPD police
auction site?

Yeah, that's how I found out
about it.

And there's our baby.
Isn't she a...

Murder truck?

That's the truck from
the Tinga Time Taco murders!

Yes, two brothers were
using a taco truck

to move heroin and then were
killed by the cartel

that supplied them.
Not just killed, Boyle.

Dismembered. Right in the truck.

Right in our truck.
That's why it was such bargain.

Everyone else was like, "Ooh,
there's a knee in the fryer."

I don't want to sell food
out of this."

They found a knee in the fryer?

Exactly. You get it.

Well, now I get to go
pick it up.

Oh, almost forgot
my hazmat suit.

And... I win again.

Which is not surprising, given
how you are both terrible.

You don't even know
the terminology.

What are you talking about?
"Hit me."

That is blackjack.

- Snake-eyes.
- Craps.

- Go Fish.
- And I believe that is.

- Go Fish.
- Fine.

Jake stinks, but I can play.

Yes, but you have a rather
unfortunate tell:

Your right breast.

Oh, no. My cards are terrible.

Sure they are.

Dammit, Eugene, you sold me out!

Captain, do I have a tell?

No, you don't understand
the game well enough

to have a tell.
Yeah, that makes sense.

What about you?
What's your tell?

It is subtle.
You will never discern it.

Oh, really?
Well, challenge accepted.

Tell me a lie.

You're both great at poker

and I'm not gonna cancel
the mission.

Nope, I couldn't see it.
Wait, what?

You're cancelling the mission?
You can't do that.

This is our only shot
at catching Valdano.

It's a foolish plan.
Neither of you have any chance

of making it to the VIP table.

But maybe you could.
What if you played?

No, I don't gamble anymore.

A few years back I had
a minor addiction,

specifically involving...

the ponies.

I'd like to bet $20,000 on...

Yabba Dabba Doo.

Sadly, Yabba Dabba Doo stumbled

and had to be put down
in front all of us.

- Oh. That's fun.
- Wait.

What if I never went
inside the casino?

I could be outside
in a surveillance van,

telling Peralta what to do.

Smart. That way you never
technically gamble.

- Right.
- I don't know.

Addiction is nothing to
fool around with.

I had food issues.
I ate a crate of hams once.

Yeah, and look at you now.

You're like a super-jacked
He-man guy, right?

It's settled; We'll go with
the captain's plan.

Here's your persona: You're
Billy "Big Time" Jankowski.

You wear sunglasses, headphones,

and an unwashed hoodie.

You normally gamble online,

from your mother's basement,
where you live.

Seems unnecessary.

The hoodie hides your
sunglass-camera's electronics.

I more meant the living in
my mom's basement virgin vibe.

You added the virgin,
but I like it.

It's part of your backstory now.

- But...
- You're a virgin.

That's an order.

But I don't want to be
a virgin again.

Okay, I'm approaching the table.

Evening, gentlemen.
Let's play some cards.

And now, Peralta,
say the following...

I'm coming in under the gun,

and I've 15k behind.

Okay.

Action's on you.

Mmm, tasty. Raise it 500.

Raise it 5-hundo.

- Made up my own.
- What?

I'm just talking to myself.

I'm used to playing online,
so it's not weird.

Well, well, well.

You flopped the absolute nuts,
Peralta.

Go all in.

Are you sure?
On the first hand, Captain?

It's what the math dictates.

At this moment there are no two
cards that can beat Peralta.

- I'm all in.
- And now they all fold

like so much
recently dried linen.

- I'll call.
- What an idiot.

Two players.

- What?
- Full house wins.

- Yes!
- No, he won; Not you.

You're out of chips.

Oh, well, that sucks.

Guess I'll just head back
to my mom's basement.

I'm a virgin.

All clear. No poopers.

Repeat: No poopers.

That was a disaster.

I thought Holt was supposed
to be great at this.

- Any poopers?
- All clear.

What happened, Captain?

That imbecile in the trucker hat

hit both his runners
and sucked out on the river.

Yeah, he did.
What does that mean?

Not to worry.

The odds of that happening
again are infinitesimal.

Not that it matters.
Since we're out of money.

Oh, but we're not.

- Where'd this come from?
- It's my money.

There are 25 ATMs in this place.

Even the fire exit has one.

You want us to use
your own money?

You sure that's a good idea?

I haven't placed a bet
or touched a card.

I'm fine.

Technically that is true.

Trust me;
The math is in our favor.

All right, let's get back in
there and suck out two runners

down by the river.

Did I say that right?
Not even close.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Still, let's get in there
and suck 'em out.

No time like the present.

And no place to do it like
the men's bathroom,

to leave from here

to go do what we're
talking about.

Ugh. Nine hours and 55 minutes.

Is it?
I feel like I just sat down.

I have no feeling down there
whatsoever.

I haven't in years.

I'm doing great too.
This has been a piece of ca...

Oh, butt cramp. Butt cramp!

That sounds painful.

I bet you could use
some electrolytes.

- Give me that! That's mine.
- Come get it.

You'll never catch me!

Oh, won't I?

Oh!

Cramp over.

And so is our shift.

Ha. And you thought I couldn't...

Wai, what are you doing?

You thought we were done just
because our shift was over?

- Amateur.
- Oh.

So you wanna take this thing
into overtime?

Fine. I got no place to be.

Neither do I.

- I never do.
- Then it's agreed.

The games continue.

And now you're going to...

- Fold.
- Fold.

- Fold.
- Fold.

- Fold.
- Fold.

Should we consider
cutting our losses?

Hush, Sergeant.
Our cards are coming.

And there she is.

You won.

- I won.
- You won!

- Won again.
- That's our straight.

- And again, again.
- Hot damn!

Peralta, say "hot damn."

- Hot damn!
- Now you say it.

- Hot damn!
- Full house.

Eights over threes.

Good. Now say to the dealer...

Well, this has been fun.

But I'm sick of playing with...

wittle wittle babies.

Is there a table for people
who wear big boy pants?

Actually, there's
a private game on Friday

I think you might like.

Much obliged.

- Hey, there, bud.
- Hey.

Can we talk about the
murder truck we just purchased

with our very hard-earned money?

Oh, Amy, wait till you see her.

I spent all night
pressure-washing her,

and she is spotless.

Yeah, it's just,
what if word gets out

that our food truck was
the site of a double homicide?

What if word gets out?

It's in the "Our Story"
section of the menu.

We're calling it Murder Truck!

- We are?
- Yeah!

It was your idea.
No, it was my greatest fear.

I can't believe you're leaning
into the murder thing.

Well, it'll get people talking.

Check out the menu.

It's printed
on a crime scene photo.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Charles, we're gonna
lose all of our money.

Are you worried?

Oh, okay, I see
what's happening.

Starting a business
is very scary.

But I promise you,
once you see our truck,

you'll feel a lot better.
Come on.

No, no, no, no, no! My truck!

My beautiful truck!

Someone killed ripped her apart!

Charles, please tell me you
got insurance.

- I did.
- Okay, thank God.

Coverage starts tomorrow.

Well, Valdano's gonna
be there tonight,

and the recording device in
the watch is transmitting.

I feel like Bond. Terry Bond.

Well, technically I'm
the one wearing the watch,

so that would make you Q
at best.

- Terry Q.
- Yeah. Way to roll with it.

Come on, let's tell Holt
we're prepped for tonight.

I gotta say, I was wrong
about him.

He had no problem
walking away last night.

He left a lot of hams
in that crate.

Juicy.

Spiral-cut, honey-sweet
but salty...

- Sarge, come back to me.
- What?

You're the one that
brought up ham.

- That was you.
Holt: Yes, yes, come to papa.

Raise it a grand! Call. Raise.

A pair of candy canes.
I'm all in, baby.

What are you doing, sir?

Working the case. Sharpening
my poker skills for Valdano.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
and why are you watching

this children's beauty pageant?

For fun, obviously.

No, Jayla, don't drop the baton.

No, I had so much riding on you!

Oh no.
He is deep in the ham crate.

- Are you sure about this?
- Yes.

Captain Holt's been in
his office gambling for hours.

Our only choice is to cut off
his internet.

No, I mean, are you sure
you know how to do that?

Of course. I just have
to pull this...

Oh!

- Gah.
- Wrong wire.

Yep, we'll...
We'll fix that later.

And...

- Holt: What the hell?
- Got it.

Having trouble with
your internet, sir?

He's not here. Where'd he go?

Roof.

What are you doing?

Trying to pick up a Wi-Fi
signal from across the street.

I've got $8,000
riding on little Jayla.

Don't you think you have
a bit of a problem here, sir?

I'm in complete control.

Now, Terry, come over here
and dangle me

off the edge of this building.

Sir, I am not going
to dangle you

off the side of this building.

You're fired. Peralta, let
me climb onto your shoulders.

- I can't...
- You're fired.

No one works here anymore.

Look, we need to have a real
talk about your gambling.

Relapsing is nothing to be
ashamed of.

A couple years ago on
my birthday I treated myself

to one piece of pizza.

I woke up the next morning in a
Sbarro on the Jersey Turnpike.

It wasn't even open!

That's not what's
happening here.

I'm not weak like you.
I can stop whenever I want.

- Then stop.
- I don't want.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go to
the acai bowl internet café.

Got a lot of money riding on
the NLCS,

whatever the hell that is.

We can't let you do that.

And how exactly
will you stop me?

We'll call your husband.

No.

No, I can't put Kevin through
this, not again.

You're right. I've lost control,

and I'm taking myself
off this case.

And I'm not going anywhere
near gambling again.

- You promise?
- From the bottom of my heart.

It's a dead issue.

I'm proud of you, sir.

So am I, Captain.

So I'm sorry. Terry,
you went to Jersey for pizza?

I had a problem, man!

Right, sorry.

Ugh, how long have we
been sitting?

My butt's lost track of time.

Coming up on 32 hours.

I miss the little things.

Showers. Feeling my feet.

Standing. I miss my home chair.

You miss a chair?

I just want walk up to the
hot dog stand out front

and get a fresh wiener.

Oh, man. Why did you say
that? Now I want one.

- So you should go get one.
- Oh, and let you win?

You're just trying to get us
to stand up.

No. We should all go get one...

- In our chairs.
- She's right.

The only thing holding us
back is society.

♪

Mmm. So good.

I got it. No.

- My ass.
- It left the chair.

I'm sorry, man.

No. It was my time.

It's our time too.

We've been through hell
together.

Now we stand together.

Nope. Legs are dead.

Going down.

Charles, what are you doing?

I know having our truck
smashed to bits

was a bit of a setback, but
don't worry; I have an idea.

The truck was
deconstructed so we do...

Not have a business anymore?

No. We do deconstructed food.

For instance, a deconstructed
meatball sub:

A meatball, rolled in
breadcrumbs

with a caramelized tomato
sauce drizzle.

- Taste it.
- Charles,

I appreciate that you're trying
to fix this situation,

but you don't have to.

I have great news.

I know who robbed us.

The cartel who did
the taco truck murders

ripped apart the truck,
because there was heroin

still inside it.

We found opioid traces
behind the fridge.

I had forensics scour the truck
for DNA

and we got a match:
A cartel enforcer.

Do you know what this means?

The truck becomes
a crime scene again.

Yes! It's been impounded.
We get our money back!

Great.

I'm glad you get
your money back.

You can invest it in something

you actually believe in
instead of...

My balls.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have 50 pounds of meat

I have to return
before it goes rotten.

Like my dreams.

There's Valdano.
The watch is transmitting.

All you have to do is lose it
to him.

Worst of luck to you.
Don't worry, Terry.

I'm about to crap the bed.

Evening, gentlemen.
Ready for some poker?

That's why we're here.

Good one, stranger.

I'll take 150.

Holt: Hot damn!

Four queens.

I call this hand
the Golden Girls.

Damn it.
Oh, you would look at that.

My mom's calling me.
She's flipping her lid

because she found all my
nudie mags in the basement.

Anyways, BRB.

What happened to not wanting
to gamble anymore for Kevin?

Sir, you are spiraling.
You lied straight to our faces.

Well, that's on you.

If you could spot my tell,
you would've known.

Fine. What's your tell?

Let's just say,
I'm doing it right now.

I'm doing it at this
very moment.

- Is it standing up?
- I've just done it again.

Whoops, there's another time.

I don't understand.
Even if you wanted to gamble,

why come here, where we'd be?

I lost some money
on lame little Jayla,

and I realized that's because
I've been gambling

instead of being down here
doing what I'm good at... math.

Now go get Valdano
before you blow your covers.

I'm off duty; What I do on my
own time is my own business.

Unlike you two who are still
on the clock

and are now being bad cops.

Wow, listen to you

talking all smooth.

But you can't fool us, sir.

You might as well face it.

You're addicted to math.
Robert Palmer.

Come on, Sarge. Let's go.

So you're a cop.

There was a pooper.

Sorry about that.

Crisis averted: I told her
I read the magazines

for the articles.
She totally bought it.

Wait a sec, where are you going?

Got called away on business.

Come back next Friday; I'll
take your money from you then.

Well, we'll just see about
that, Mr. Cool Voice.

His voice is really cool.

So I understand you're a cop

who's trying to bring me down.

Why don't we take
a little drive?

Why did you stay at the table
so long

after Valdano was already gone?

It would've been suspicious
if I left right after he did,

so I played a couple hands.

Come on, let's grab Holt
and get out of here.

Wait. Where's Holt?

So what was your plan, cop?

Does it matter? We failed and
now you know we're onto you.

You get to come out ahead
tonight,

provided you don't do
anything dumb right now.

My colleagues are calling,

probably wondering where I am.

Then put their minds at ease.

- Yes?
- Captain.

We're leaving. Where are you?

I've already left.
I don't enjoy being judged,

So I'm on my way to
Atlantic City for the weekend.

I'll be gambling.

No, sir, please just
come back, okay?

Terry and I will keep you
company.

We'll go to a museum.

One of the boring ones
with no dinosaurs.

Forget it.
I shouldn't've answered.

Bye-bye "Toxic."

Bye-bye "Party in the USA."

Hey, Charles.
What are you doing?

I'm deleting all the upbeat
music off my computer.

I know you're down, but...

Bye-bye "Swish Swish Bish."

Look, I feel really bad
about the way I treated you.

Well, you shouldn't.

You're the only one who saw
that my dream was stupid

and then you got me
all my money back.

Well, after you left,
I tried one of your meatballs

and then another.

And another. I couldn't stop

because they were so damn good.

Really? You liked them?

I loved them. I should have
tried them earlier.

I lost track of the fact
that this whole thing

was supposed to be about
your food.

I think we should buy
another food truck.

- You do?
- Yes.

But I have some conditions:

1, it cannot be a crime scene;

2, you have to get insurance
on day one;

3, you have to keep dreaming up
amazing things to cook.

You're so good, Boyle.

Deal!
We're gonna buy a food truck!

We're gonna get a food truck!
Yes!

Stop!

I ate too many meatballs.

Oh.

- Where we going?
- Atlantic City.

That's where you told
your friends you'd be,

so that's where
they'll find your body.

I'm a captain in the NYPD.

Yeah, and you're also
a known gambling addict.

You lost all your money in A.C.

and then drowned yourself
in the ocean.

Stay down!

Terry: NYPD!
Keep your hands on the wheel.

Hey there, Captain Holt.

We just saved your big ol' butt.

Hello, Dan "Daniel" Valdano.

Guess what.

Terry: You're a dick!

Yeah.

How did you find me?

We traced your phone
and tracked down the limo.

Wait. How did you even know
I was in trouble?

I figured out your tell.

When you're lying,
you use contractions.

Lots of 'em.

I've lost control.

I'm taking myself off the case.

I've just done it again.

Whoops. There's another time.

I shouldn't've have answered.

Shouldn't've answered.

Shouldn't've...

It was the "shouldn't've"
that finally tipped me off.

I've never heard you use
a double contraction before.

And you never will again.

I was at rock bottom.

I feel so embarrassed.

I understand. I've been there.

I once ate a box of uncooked
rice in a movie theater.

Wow, really?

- Jake.
- I'm sorry.

I owe you two a tremendous
debt of gratitude.

I was overwhelmed
by my addiction

and you were there for me.

Of course, sir.
We'd do anything for you.

Perhaps you two would take me

to a meeting of
Gambler's Anonymous.

- Absolutely.
- And, Jake, before we go,

I need to admit one more thing.
Of course, anything.

When I made you tell that table

that you were living
in your mother's basement,

it wasn't for the case.

I was just messing with you.

Oh, well played, sir.

But the joke's on you.

My mother has a fantastic
basement.

Title of your sex tape.
Too soon?

All right, let's go.

Hey, standing desk.

Look who's taking care
of herself.

Someone's not sitting down
on the job.

Hey.

Sitting down on the job
is damned hard work,

and those heroes prove it
every day.

Mad respect.

Okay. Sorry.

Seriously, you guys should
stand up once in a while.

You know, for your hearts.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.