All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - 05x04 - Halloveen

Halloween. Mua-ha-ha-ha.

It's heist time.

- Dah!
- Thought you could get

a head start on heist prep?
Good luck.

I'm already dressed.

Well... I'm also dressed,

and I made breakfast.

Wait, where are my eggs?
In my belly.

Now get a move on.

It's heist time.

I love Halloween!

♪

Some of you have asked me
what got me through prison.

Was it my family?
Don't be stupid.

Was it knowing that my friends
would eventually get me out?

Of course not,
I never believed in any of you.

No, the only thing
that kept me sane

was planning for
the Halloween heist

those many years
doing hard time.

- It was eight weeks.
- I also went to prison, dog.

- We're getting off track here.
- No, we're not, dog.

Peralta's just trying to play
the sympathy card

so we all go easy on him.

I'd rather
send you back to prison

- than see you win.
- Okay.

This year, we compete for
the most elegant and regal

of all prizes...

A championship cummerbund.

Or belt,
as normal people call it.

Belt... I'd like to see
the pair of slacks

whose loops are large enough
for this belt.

No, it is a cummerbund.

- Well, whatever it is...
- Cummerbund.

It's inscribed with the words,
"Amazing human/genius."

The objective is to have it
in your possession at midnight.

This year,
the competition is not limited

to winners of the past heists.
That's right.

Any man, or woman...

#Resist... can enter.

It's open to everyone.
Ooh, every man for himself.

It's like
"Bachelor in Paradise."

It's really cool that
you guys opened it up to anyone.

Oh, thanks.
Yeah, we talked about it,

and we just felt like
it was only fair.

I was being sarcastic.
You all suck,

and I hope Jake
goes back to jail.

Oh, cool, I'm glad
everyone feels comfortable

- joking about that.
- Not joking.

Insult me all you want,
for I have only this to say...

both: Victory shall be mine!

I heard you practicing
in the shower.

You can't surprise me.

Letting me into your life was
the worst mistake you ever made.

Cool, fun take
on our relationship.

Well, I for one thing
you're perfect for each other...

Feel like there's gonna be more.

- Because you're both losers.
- There it is.

None of you
stand a chance against me.

No courage, no patience,
no brains,

and, of course, a bald old man.

I'm younger than you.

No comeback for
the bald thing, I see.

Yeah, I'm not doing the heist.
I'm out.

Okay.

- Bull crap.
- Yeah, right.

Just like you were out
last year.

- I was out last year.
- As a setup for this year.

You're good, Jeffords,
but not good enough.

In fact, you're an idiot.
I should've fired you long ago.

- What?
- Relax, Terry, chill out.

Get your undies
out of your buns.

Now, if everyone would rise.

Rise like the army of the dead,

and follow me into
the bullpen of destiny.

This heist,

the belt will not be
locked up or hidden away.

It will be suspended from
the ceiling in plain sight

- for all to see.
- How poetic.

It will hang just out of reach,

like Tantalus's fruit.

Yes, that's where I got
the inspiration from,

Greek mythology, not an episode
of the Nickelodeon show "Guts."

Amy, will you please
do the honors?

Mm-hmm.

♪

The belt is in place.
Whoever has it at midnight

will be declared the...

What's going on?

- What's happening?
- I can't see!

Everybody just grab
something random.

Back off, Hitchcock.

Silence!

It's gone.
The cummerbund is gone!

Who took it?
We're all here. Where'd it go?

Nowhere.
It's still in this room.

In fact, it's right here!

Nope, it's just your tum-tum.

I don't have the cummerbund,
because it's right here!

Or is it right here?

Everybody stop undressing.

We just had harassment training.

Hey... over here, losers.

This is Gina Linetti.

You really thought
you could do this without me?

I'm the defending champion.

Gina... I should have known
it was you, you punk.

Yeah, you punk,

why aren't you showing
your face, you punk?

Yeah, I just had a baby.

I haven't washed my hair
in three weeks.

Oh, how is she?

- Yeah, how's she doing?
- None of your business.

Now, if you wanna find the belt,

you're gonna
have to work for it.

Behind my desk
are boxes of baby stuff

that I didn't wanna assemble.

You get a clue for
each item you put together.

Linetti, Lin-out-ti.

This is crazy.

I mean,
no one is actually gonna do.

Gina's dumb chores, right?

Right, absolutely not.

It's completely ridiculous.

♪

I got the reach-and-play!

You can all suck it!

♪

They fell for it.
Hook, line, and sphincter.

- It's sinker.
- No, it's sphincter.

That's where you put the hook in
when you're eeling.

Well, I never use
that expression again.

- Hey, guys.
- Ah.

And right on time, here's Bill.
Welcome.

Man, it is amazing
how similar you guys look.

- I don't see it.
- Me neither.

- Not even a little.
- Not at all.

Twins.
So, did you have any issues

getting into the vents?
Went like clockwork.

Sir, only authorized personnel
are allowed up here.

Oh, Detective Boyle,
didn't see it was you.

Get better eyes, you moron.

Ah, man, I'm friends
with Officer Lou.

Not anymore. He was very upset.

Anyway, once I got in the vents,
it was smooth sailing.

The belt is in place.

Whoever has it at midnight
will be declared the winner

of the fifth annual...

What's going on?
What's happening?

I can't see!

Everyone just grab
something randomly.

Back off, Hitchcock.

♪

Hey, over here, losers.

I gotta say, Bill, your
Gina impression was spot-on.

I'm very good at roleplay,

and I'm super comfortable
wearing masks.

Right, I forgot you were
maybe a male prostitute.

I was definitely
a male prostitute,

but I don't do
that profession anymore.

Now I sell vitamin supplements.

I made $90,000 this year alone,

working out of the comfort
of my own home.

- Uh-huh?
- How did I do it?

- NutriBoom.
- Right.

And the good news is,
you can do it too.

Okay, Bill, this is
clearly a pyramid scheme.

We're not interested, just...
Okay, your loss.

- Here's the belt...
- Ah...

- she's a beauty.
- Hi-yah!

Ow! Charles, what are you doing?

- The hardest thing
I've ever done: Betraying you.

Bill, the belt.

- Bill, you're in on this too?
- Yep.

Charles promised he'd buy
a ton of supplements

and become one of
my downstream distributors.

No, look, listen to me,
don't do this, okay?

I really need to win this year.
I'm begging you.

Uh-uh, those baby browns
aren't gonna work on me,

- not today.
- This is crazy.

You're never gonna get out of
here with that belt on your own.

I'm not on my own.
I have an alliance.

An alliance.

It's not "Bachelor in Paradise."
It's "Survivor."

Rosa, I am very
disappointed in you.

Your approval
means nothing to me.

Copy that... and Terry,
I knew you were playing.

Last year was a setup.
Hell yeah, it was.

I'm sick of you, Amy,
and Holt winning.

- You're all so damn smug.
- Yeah, you guys may be champs,

but this year...
this year belongs to The Tramps.

- Charles, that's a bad name.
- Ha, you're just jealous.

- Everyone loves it.
- No.

- Nuh-uh.
- Bill, keep an eye on him.

Let's go, Tramps.
Charles, no! No!

Hey, let me ask you this,

how would you like
to be your own boss?

Not now, Bill!

Amy! Amy, in here!

In here. Help.

- Hello, fake Charles.
- Hi.

Hello, tied-up Jake.

Will you please
help me get out of this?

It's not for the heist.
I just really have to pee.

I know you don't drink water.
You pee once every two days.

And you went this morning.

Damn it, you know me so well.

All right, how about this?

I've got top secret info
about various dealings.

If you let me
out of these cuffs,

I'll share it with you.
What kind of info?

Well, first off, Wolf Gina...

Was just a ruse so you and
Charles could steal the belt.

Yeah-huh, but also...

Charles teamed up
with Rosa and Terry

to form The Tramps.

Gah! How did you know that?

I gave Charles
the idea last year.

Gina's one of the champs.

And I'm just one of the tramps.

Ooh, The Tramps.

That's a great name
for something.

I just don't know what.

But I do.

I told you, I'll always be
one step ahead of you.

You can't surprise me.
Ya boring.

You know what spices up
a relationship?

Co-owning
a multi-tiered marketing...

Ignore him.
Look, there are three Tramps.

The only way we're gonna win
is if we team up.

Good point.
I guess my response is,

rot in hell, crap-face!

Also, I love you,
and I treasure you,

and ya bore me.
God, you're being so mean.

- Do it more.
- I hope you die.

Bye.

Fine! Go!
Who needs you, ya freakin' jag!

Looks like we're all clear.
Good job, guys.

Oh, nothing can stop
this Tramp train.

Boyle, stop finding variations
on a word we hate.

Okay, Sarge, lift up
the super heavy thing

that no one else is
strong enough to lift.

Nice, Sarge! Keep lifting
heavy stuff like that,

and maybe you'll work off
some of that bulk, huh?

What?

I set up
an electric eye yesterday,

so if anyone enters this room,
an alarm will go off.

Let's move.
Don't cross the beam.

Cool, yeah,
that's something I can do,

without any problem.

Alarm works.

All right, fine,

looks like I'm gonna have to
"127 Hours" this sitch.

You're gonna cut off
your own arm?

Is that how it ends?

Oh, man, I got busy,
and my rental period expired.

I thought he just wiggled out.

Come, will you just
please un-cuff me?

Please, you gotta, man.

I've never treated you
like a prostitute.

- You just did.
- Touché.

All right, how about this?
I will buy...

double the amount of
supplements that Boyle did.

- $8,000?
- What? He gave you 4 grand?

All right, fine, I'm in.

He didn't give it to me.
He invested it in his future.

And you can too.
Yeah, I already agreed to it.

You don't have to
keep selling me.

Sorry, the script we're given

anticipates
a lot more resistance.

Okay, so let's get
the paperwork started.

First things first,
you are not allowed

to have any of this
reviewed by an attorney.

Yeah, this seems bad.

So, where on Gina's mobile

should I place
this moonless Jupiter?

I pity the child who lies
beneath this solar system.

Hey, Captain, something's
going on with this heist.

You tell us everything you know,

and we'll tell you
everything we know.

- I'd rather not.
- Jokes on you,

we don't know anything.
Well, good day then.

- Wait, why are you sweating?
- I'm not sweating.

No, I've had
enough heart attacks

to know what sweating
looks like, and that's sweat.

Well, if I'm sweating,
as you claim,

it's because I was watching
an exciting video on the net.

Really? What?

It was a video of
an American gymnast.

His leotard ripped,
exposing his butt.

It was highly erotic.
You're lying.

I.T. just installed
blocker software,

- thanks to moi.
- Uh, yes,

but they didn't install it
on my computer,

because I'm a captain.

You don't look
hot and bothered at all to me.

Show us the erotica.

Gentlemen, I assure you,
there's nothing to see.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to grab some fresh air.

♪

Good boy, Cheddar.
Bring me that cummerbund.

Oh, yeah.

Wait a minute...

this isn't
the championship cummerbund.

This is some common cummerbund.

And you're not Cheddar.
You're just some common bitch.

And this says you've received
your sales training.

- Great.
- And this one is

a sworn affidavit stating that
you have seen Debbie Stovelman,

the wife of NutriBoom founder,
David Stovelman,

and that you found her to be
happy, healthy, and alive.

Okay, fine.
Great, all right, done.

Just get me out of these.

Hey, what's going on here?

Yeah! Didn't think I could get
out of my cuffs, did you, Boyle?

But you forgot about
one important thing...

- NutriBoom.
- NutriBoom! That's right.

I'm in the President's
Circle now.

Sorry, Charles, this year's
heist was just too important.

Watch him, Bill.
Check in, Boyle, check in.

Uh-oh, Jake, they check in
every ten minutes,

and I have to respond
with a code only we know.

- I am a Tramp.
- Copy that.

Did I guess it?
Did I guess the code?

I couldn't hear
what Rosa said back,

but it was the first thing
I guessed... was that right?

- You got it.
- Yeah, I thought so, okay.

Okay, security system,
talk to me.

What have I missed?
What's going on?

Ah-ha! Holt used Cheddar
to steal the belt.

But that's not Cheddar.

Holt and Cheddar always walk
in a perfect lockstep.

Which means
someone took Cheddar,

and that person has the belt.

But who? Who took Cheddar?

- Where are you coming from?
- Why do you care?

Thought you weren't heisting.
I'm not.

I'm just interested in
your comings and goings,

because I care about you
as a friend.

Okay, friend,
I went to the bathroom.

Well, you were gone
a long time, friend.

You feeling okay, friend?
No, it was number two,

and it was very intense, friend.

Bless you.

She sneezed. Dog allergies.

Which means that Amy took...

Cheddar!

Where is my dog?

Aren't you standing
right next to him?

This bitch? Please. Watch.

Shake. Shake.

Idiot.

I know one of you took Cheddar,

and you did it
for the sake of the heist,

but if anything happens to him,
I will end you.

I couldn't bring myself
to neuter Cheddar,

but I will neuter you all.

♪

Uh, bing-pot.

Cheddar? Cheddar?

Shake.
Ah, good grip, pristine coat.

That's my doggie!

You betrayed me.
You'll explain yourself later.

Return to my office.

Guys, why is there smoke
coming from the break room?

What's going on?
Is someone doing something?

Who's doing something?

"Handmaid's Tale." This is Amy.

She won't shut up about
how relevant that show is

in today's political landscape.
It's relevant as hell,

but I'm not doing anything.

Terry also loved the show.
This is him.

No, no, I love Elisabeth Moss.

Terry thought
the show was too bleak.

Oh, they're coming
from everywhere.

Hello.
Blessed be the fruit, baby.

Hitchcock, you watch that show?

Watch what?
That's my pickup line.

- What are they doing?
- We haven't heard from Charles.

We need to check to make sure
everything's fine.

Check what? The server?

I stole the cummerbund
from under there an hour ago.

- You knew about...
- About you playing? The server?

I've known about
your plans for weeks.

Uh-oh, they're circling. Stop!

Hello, Ofamy.

Hello.

I don't know what's going on.
I do.

Handmaids, out!

They really listen to you.

You figured out I had
the belt in my safe,

and you thought you could
distract me and steal the key.

I did think those things, yes,

and then... I did it.

Please. Impossible.

The key has been in my shoe
the entire time.

Okay, well,
it's almost midnight.

Why don't you try
and use your key?

It fits.

I knew you were lying.
You are so predictable.

Uh-oh, it's not turning.

I guess I'm not quite as
predictable as you thought.

And I also bet
none of you can predict

what I'm gonna do next.

Use your key to open the safe
and act like a dick about it?

Yes, obviously
that's what I'm gonna do, Rosa.

You just have to be
so spot-on all the time.

If I may... mm...

Just get my skirt up, thanks.

Oh, look at that, the key fits.

And the lock is turning,
and the safe is... empty?

- What?
- There's no cummerbund?

Never was. It was always a belt.

I don't understand. Who took it?

We haven't heard from Charles
in an hour.

Maybe he betrayed The Tramps.

Oh, God,
I just called us The Tramps.

What have I become?

It's not Charles.
I locked him up.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah,
I put a GPS tracker on the belt.

It's on the move,
and it's going fast!

Let's take my bike.
They'll never catch us.

Later, dorks.
Should we follow them? I...

Captain, why are you giggling?

I put a GPS tracker
inside of Terry.

Sarge, Kevin purchased one too
many full-fat French yogurts.

- You want it?
- Absolutely.

Enjoy, Jeffords. Enjoy.

Devious, I know, but...

I also put a tracker
in Terry's yogurt.

Same here. No reason.

Just 'cause you're
a great sergeant.

Now suck it down.

Eh, no problem, take it.

Swallow the 'gurt.

Do you guys think
all that radiation

is bad for him?
I'm sure he'll be fine.

He's lived a long life already.

Yeah.

Good luck keeping up with me.

I've done my morning
calisthenics.

Oh, I'll keep up with you...

Rah!

In hell.
Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

♪

- Hello, Jacob.
- Dah!

What... Ames...
What are you doing here?

Why aren't you out
looking for the belt?

You and I both know the belt
never left the precinct.

I don't know that.
Nobody knows that.

I kept thinking,
"How did anyone swap my key?"

And then it hit me... they didn't.
They swapped the safe.

One of the handmaids,
I'm assuming fake Charles,

took my safe, and then
Ofamy deposited a lookalike.

What did you give fake Charles
so he'd help you?

Nothing.
In fact, he gave me something,

the power of financial freedom.

I invested in a pyramid scheme.

It's no time to go
into it right now.

Okay... so, while we all
tried to figure out

who had the real key,

fake Charles broke into
the safe, removed the tracker,

and led Terry
and the whole squad

on a wild goose chase.

My only question is,
which box is the belt in?

Well, good luck figuring it out,

because the clock is
tick-tick-tocking.

- It's that one.
- No!

The dust pattern on top
doesn't match its neighbors.

You see, Jake, I'm always
gonna be one step ahead of you.

You've lost the ability
to surprise me.

Ya just plain boring.

Again, weird take
on a very loving relationship.

And it's midnight,

so I guess
I'm an amazing human/genius.

Yeah. Although...

you might wanna read the
inscription on that there belt.

Why? Oh, no, what does it say?

"Amy Santiago,
will you marry me?"

Surprise.

I'm so confused... I don't know
what's happening right now.

"I'm so confused... I don't know
what's happening right now,"

title of your sex tape.
"Oh, my God, I'm shaking.

I'm definitely gonna cry,"
Title of your sex tape.

Wait, is this really happening?
Is this part of the heist?

If this is part of the heist,
I will dump you so hard.

No, please, Ames, look,
it's really happening, okay?

It's not part of the heist.
I promise, this is real.

- It is?
- Yeah.

Okay, here it goes.

Ames, I love you.

I love how smart you are.
I love how beautiful you are.

I love your face,
and I love your butt.

I should've written
this down first.

No, no, it's okay. Go on.

I love how much you pretend
to like "Die Hard."

- I like the second one.
- You don't have to.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

You're kind, and you're funny,

and you're the best person
I know,

and the best detective.

Also, for reals,
I love your butt.

- I love yours too.
- Gross.

Amy Santiago...

will you marry me?

Jake Peralta, I will marry you.

♪

I love you so much.

Hey, jerkos,
this little Tramp escaped,

so that ought to teach...

- D-did you just...
- Mm-hmm.

- And did you say...
- Mm-hmm.

- To Jake and Amy.
All: To Jake and Amy!

Great stuff, great stuff.

So, since Peralta
altered the cummerbund,

no one really won
the heist this year.

Is that what
everyone's thinking?

- Captain...
- Right, right, sorry.

Not the time.
I'm so happy for you both.

Technically,
there was no winner.

Continue.
Hey, Gina just texted me.

She said, "Weird, I didn't
even realize they were dating."

JK, so happy for you bitches."

- Oh.
- So, Jake, tell us everything.

Did you call Amy's dad first?
I actually did.

Mr. Santiago,
I'm calling to inform you

that I plan to ask
your daughter to marry me,

but since it's 2017,

I am not asking you
for your permission,

as she is not your property,

nor would she be mine,
if she chooses to say yes.

She's a strong
independent woman,

and she don't need no man.

That being said,
I truly hope she says yes.

But it's her decision,
so just back off!

Aww, that was perfect.
What did he say?

I have no idea,
I left a voicemail.

- I'm terrified of him.
- Mm.

Not to talk out of turn,

but I think I get credit for
giving Jake the idea to propose.

- How's that?
- Remember?

That day in the kitchen.

So, what I'm saying is,

vanilla yogurt is good,

but pair it with
a blueberry yogurt,

and both of them
taste even better.

- Get it?
- Yes?

I did not get it,
but speaking of yogurt,

you've eaten
six GPS devices this week.

You should definitely
see a doctor.

- What?
- Hm?

Look, Sarge,
I think everyone knows that

I planted the idea
in Jake's head

eight years ago.

Oh, hi, I'm starting today.
Detective Santiago.

Oh, Detective Peralta.
Welcome aboard.

I'm hearing wedding bells.

Hi, Detective Boyle.

That actually
really slowed things down.

It took, like, four years
for me to forget that memory.

- Yeah, I'm my own worst enemy.
- Look, no one gave me the idea.

I decided to ask Amy to marry me
all on my own on April 28th.

There's a typo
in this crossword puzzle.

I don't get it.
Seems pretty normal.

I don't know what to tell you.
That's just when I knew.

Romantic epiphanies are dope.

Thank you, Rosa. They are dope.

Yes, dope. Congratulations.

I'm so happy you two
are getting married.

- We're getting married.
- We're getting married!

- And no one won the heist.
All: Captain!

Get over it, ya jag!

Yeah, ya jag!