All language subtitles for Inside No. 9 - S03E01 (EN)

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V.T.R. No 7226 THE DEVIL OF CHRISTMAS
Part one, take one.

In five, four, three...

Please come, it's warm inside.

I have already made a fire
for you.

Oh! That's better.

Toby, be a dear and shut the door,

otherwise we'll all catch our
deaths.

What a gloomy thought,
catch our deaths.

Yes, Mummy, we're here for a two-week
holiday, let's keep things jolly, eh?

I shouldn't worry about it,
it's only a saying.

Though it is rather dim in here.

Here, let me.

Oh! It looks bigger than it did
in the brochure.

Well, better that than
the other way round.

Do you remember that awful hotel we
stayed in in Greece?

It wasn't so bad, I rather liked it,

though as I recall the local tipple
was fairly wretched.

Do you remember it, Cathy?

No, I wasn't married to Julian then,

it must have been when Elizabeth
was still alive.

How are you feeling, darling?

That pilot gave us one hell of
a bumpy landing.

Fine.
I'm fine.

Well, no skiing for you,
not in your condition.

We'll have the slopes all to
ourselves, won't we, Toby?

I'm not sure I want to ski.

Boring.

Toby, your father went to a
lot of trouble to book this holiday,

you really ought not to be so
ungrateful.

You spoil him, Cathy.

All these treats and indulgences.

You're getting him used
to having his own way.

There, I've said it.
- Please, Mummy, let's not argue,

we've only just arrived.

Here, some refreshment for you.

This is gluhwein,
traditional Austrian drink.

Oh, good, I'm parched.

Lovely.
Danke schoen.

Sorry, no wine for you, darling.

It's fine, I'm not thirsty, anyway.

We need rest and plenty of it.
Doctor's orders, remember?

I will, I'll have plenty of rest
and do nothing at all.

Well, there's a surprise.
- It's perfect.

Absolutely perfect.
- You're not too angry I invited Mummy?

It's your money, darling,
I can't tell you how to spend it.

Eurgh!

Toby?
What is it?

Horrible picture.

Good grief, the Devil of Christmas.

What's all this about, then, Claus?

Krampus.
This is a local legend.

'Oh, I just want to point
out a continuity error,

can we whizz it back?

'OK. It's just occurred to me
now, seeing the Krampus picture,

'but if you look by the front door
as they all troop in,

'there it is again, see?

'Oh, yeah. Sorry, could you just introduce
yourself so people know who you are?'

'Oh, yes, I'm Dennis Fulcher, and I
was the director of this piece.

'Now, see, what happened was we
started filming when we noticed

'up in the gallery that the painting

'had been set in the wrong place
by the bloody art department.

'Luckily, it was a long scene so I
sent a stagehand down to move it.

'See? There it is.

'And, as Celia crosses over,
it's gone.

'Oh, yeah, I never noticed.
- 'No, people don't.

'Meanwhile, the stagehand is
creeping round

'to rehang it above the fireplace.

'You can see here that the little
boy was a bit distracted.

'Look at the way he's looking.

'But, otherwise, I think we got
away with it.

'And this was all filmed in one day?

'Yes, one day. Three cameras.

'Unless someone bumps into the
furniture you would just carry on.

'They film Doctors in much
the same way even now.'

.. must have been when Elizabeth was
still alive.

How are you feeling, darling?

'The whole pregnancy thing was
my idea.

'I thought it would tee up
the ending.

'If you sense there was something

INSIDE Cathy making it more poignant
'in a way.'

I'm not sure I want to ski.
Boring.

Toby, your father went to a
lot of trouble to book this holiday.

You really ought not to be so
ungrateful.

'Nancy there, looking for her mark,

'her eyes were going by this stage.
Bless her.

Nancy?
- Nancy Mason, dead now, of course.'

Let's not argue.
We've only just arrived.

Here, some refreshment for you.

'Oh, look at that, three glasses of
watered-down Ribena.

'Terrible!

'I very nearly didn't do this film.

'But there was so little work around
I felt I couldn't say no.

'The week before I'd had a meeting
about Worzel Gummidge,

'but Pertwee had his favourites,
I knew that from Who.

'Can we spin it on a bit?

'Say when.'

'There.
You see?

'It's finally in the right place.'

The 6th of December is
Saint Nicholas Day.

Saint Nicholas brings treats for
the good boys and girls, but...

'Ralph Cosgrove, lovely actor,

'always thought he had a Prospero in him,
but I don't think he ever pursued it.'

Here he is, in the clutch of the Krampus,

even the most unholy child

will promise to turn from his
wicked ways.

We had a nanny rather like that.
- Oh, Julian, don't exaggerate.

So, he is the dark side of Santa
Claus, a sort of Jekyll & Hyde?

The Krampus walks the streets
for three nights.

If you hear the cowbells you will
know he is close by.

On the first night,
if you have been bad,

you will find a switch in your shoe.

Like a light switch?

No, Toby, a switch is a rod or
a twig used for whipping horses.

Or naughty little boys.

It is a warning to mend your manners.

On the second night, if you're still bad,

the Krampus will leave his mark upon you.

You will wake up with scratches

where he has visited you
in the night.

And on the third night, my God,

if you're still not mended,

he will come for you.

'It goes on a bit, this speech.'

.. stuffed into his sack

and put down into the flames of hell.

Typical Friday night
in Berkhamsted, hey, Mummy?

Oh! His eyes,
something about his eyes,

like he knows something.

Everything.

Well, I think we'll stick with good old Father
Christmas if it's all the same with you, Klaus.

Now, come on, everybody,
let's go and unpack.

Come on, darling.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Amen.

Good boy, Toby.

Sleep well.
- I'm not tired.

Try and rest. You need your energy
for all that skiing tomorrow.

Toby, what's this?

What?
- Your boots.

What are they doing out there?

I left them out for Krampus.

What?

Klaus said if you have been a
good boy Saint Nicholas will come

and leave coins and sweets in your
shoes, or presents in your sack...

'Not the best actor in the world,

'but very hard to find a good child

'given the subject matter of the film.'

.. Darling, Krampus isn't real.

It's just a story.

And Santa?

Go to sleep.

Oh!
- Everything all right, darling?

You look like you've seen a ghost.

Oh, it's nothing,
all these myths and legends,

I don't like that man coming in here
scaring Toby like that.

I'd say it's not Toby who's scared.

You're shaking like a leaf.

Come to bed.
- All right, I will.

Well, don't look at me, I
didn't put it there.

Well, somebody did.

Poor Toby hasn't stopped crying
all morning.

Where is he now?
- Klaus took Cathy and he to the village

to get a cup of hot chocolate.

Oh, well, that ought to cheer
him up.

Just a bunch of old twigs, anyhow.

Maybe it was one of the locals trying to scare
the gullible tourists and keep us entertained.

Yes, maybe, or perhaps...

Perhaps what?

Oh, nothing.
- No, go on, spit it out.

Perhaps Cathy put them there
herself.

Why on earth would she do that?

Oh, Julian, you know what I think.

Toby reminds Cathy of your first
wife and she resents him for it.

Don't be ridiculous.

It's true.

It wouldn't surprise me if Cathy hadn't
put those sticks there herself...

'Nancy overshot her mark again.

'She wouldn't wear glasses, said
they were wrong for the character.

'But Brian saved the day, look.

'Oh, yeah.'

I don't trust her.
Disappearing for days on end.

And if she doesn't want to fulfil
her wifely duties, well, then,

maybe you should move on.

I've no intention of divorcing
Cathy, Mummy.

I love her and she loves me.
And if you don't like that

you can get the next plane home
to Berkhamsted.

Fine.
But you know what Klaus said.

Those sticks are a warning.

Rubbish.
And you know what we do with rubbish.

Ralph, can we just see
the plate in for a moment?

'That's great, thank you.

'OK, quiet on the floor, please,

'there was a lot of noise on that
last take.

'Here we go.
'In five, four, three...'

And then Klaus showed us how they
train the reindeer,

and then we went on a husky ride
through the snow.

You certainly seem to have had
a busy day.

Can I have a husky, Father?

I don't think so.

Please.
- Don't pester your father, Toby.

Off you go to bed, now,
I'll be up in a moment.

Goodnight.

Thank you, Klaus.
I had a lovely day.

Oh, you are welcome, master Toby,
schlaf gut.

Don't forget your sack.

Today is the 6th of December,

the feast of Saint Nicholas.

'Actors hate doing eating scenes.

'Why's that?

'They've got to remember their
continuity, the food is cold,

'so you'll notice here,
nobody eats a thing.'

Not according to the Krampus.

Mummy, don't start on about
that again.

No, no, it's fine,
I've worked out what happened.

Oh, pray tell.

Darling, do you remember that
time just after we'd moved into

the new house, you heard a noise
downstairs and found Toby

in front of an open fridge
drinking milk from the bottle

and eating an onion as if it were
an apple?

Yes, but that was just sleepwalking,

the doctor said he was unsettled
because of the move.

Exactly.
And that's just what happened last night.

Klaus put those silly stories into
his head...

Sorry, Klaus, and, and he put
the switch there himself

into his own boot.

Sleepwalking?

What a terribly convenient explanation.

It is what happened,
I'm sure of it!

All right, darling,
don't upset yourself.

Remember what the doctor said,
we must have peace and calm.

But Toby was happy today, like he
didn't have a care in the world.

That's right, isn't it, Klaus?

Master Toby is a good boy.

The Krampus will not return.

Hear hear.

This food is delicious, by
the way, any chance of seconds?

'And cut. Thank you.'

Toby,

where have you been?

You scared Granny.

I couldn't sleep, I heard a noise.

Get back into bed at once.

I've been a good boy, Granny,
I know I have,

Saint Nicholas has left me some presents.
- Oh!

Get back into bed at once.

'Mini fluff there.'

There.

Creeping around like that in
the middle of the night.

Sorry, Granny.

Night-night.

What is it?
What's wrong?

Look.

My God.
Toby, what happened?

I don't know.

I woke up this morning
and they were there.

I thought I'd been good.

We can't put this down to sleepwalking.
- No, it's Krampus.

It's the second night and he's left
his mark,

exactly as Klaus said he would,
just as in the legend.

Cathy, calm down,
you mustn't excite yourself.

But it's all coming true,

and if what Klaus says is right then
tomorrow night he'll take Toby away.

Oh, please, don't let him.

All right, that's enough!

Can't you see you're scaring the boy?

Toby, get dressed.
We're leaving.

Brian, Dennis is asking for the last line again,

but even angrier, please.

OK.

Can't you see you're
scaring the boy?

Toby, get dressed.
We're leaving.

'Great, we bought that.
Thank you.'

Only two seats left?

All right, let me call you back.

Well, looks like we're not
going anywhere.

But we've got to DO something.

Toby's in danger.
- There's nothing we can do.

I'll take him.

I've already packed my suitcase.

I think it might be for the best to
get Toby away from...

What?
Say it.

From me, you think I did this,
don't you?

She didn't say that, Cathy.

No, but she thinks it.

You've been under a lot of strain
recently.

So have you, Julian.

Remember, this holiday was not just
about Cathy.

Could it be possible that you
accidentally made those marks on

the boy when you were getting him
dressed, not deliberately, but...

Why would I?
Why would I hurt my own son?

He is not YOUR son.

Book those tickets, Julian.

I shall see you both in a week's time.

'And she ran out of stairs.'

'And this always annoys me,

'empty suitcases, light as a feather.'

I have brought up children of
my own, you know?

All right, Mummy, don't start.

'Why are they all in a line?

'Oh, you noticed that, did you?

'Well, it's a casualty of having no time.

'I had to get it all in one shot.

'I don't think it looks too bad.

'I was happy with that snow.'

'And it's cold...'

'And here we are, coming into
the denouement.

'I knew we were losing Brian
at six o'clock.

'He had a voice-over for Findus,
or something

'so he was keen to get away early.

'Yeah, you can practically see
the pound signs in his eyes.

'He was definitely rushing
through the scene.'

.. Besides, Toby likes a bit of
turbulence,

he says it is like being on a ride
at the fairground.

Yes, but what if...
- Yes, what is it, darling?

Say what's on your mind.

Well, I was just thinking...

'Penny was being deliberately
slow here,

'I think she was on to him about
the advert.'

We've sent Toby and your mother
away with that man, Klaus,

and we don't know the first thing
about him.

Of course we do, he's the caretaker,
he runs this place,

how else would he have the keys?

He could've...I don't know,

rented the place from
the real owners

and pretended to be the caretaker.

Why on earth would he do that?
It makes no sense.

Now, come on, it's been a long day,

get into bed and I'll turn out the light.

Brush my hair for me, Julian.

You know I've never liked thunder.

Of course.

I'm being silly, I know.

Toby and your mother will be fine,
won't they?

I just got carried away by that
silly Krampus story.

That's right, darling,
I told you before,

there's absolutely no such thing
as...

Julian, what is it?

Nothing.

There is something, I can tell.

Your back, it's covered in scratches.

It's the Krampus.

He's coming for me?

But that's impossible.

My shoes.
The wardrobe.

No!
- It's true, I told you!

But it makes no sense, the Krampus only
comes for children, the legend says so.

Julian... I'm pregnant.

Wait there.

It was just a branch.
The storm must have blown it in.

You get back to bed,
I'm going to lock all the doors.

Real or not, Krampus isn't getting
in here tonight.

Cathy.

Darling?

Everything all right?

Come back to bed, you'll catch your death.

There's that expression again.

Catch your death.

Is something wrong?
- Yes,

I understand now,

you said the Krampus only comes
for children,

and I'm pregnant.

Yes?

But that's not all, is it?

He only comes for the bad children.

What are you getting at?

There's something I haven't
told you.

Something about this child.

Hello.

Oh, Mummy, you got home safe.

Toby all right?
Good.

Thanks for letting me know.

Yes, yes, we're fine.
Goodnight, Mummy.

Well?

You were saying.

I've been bad, Julian.

This baby, it isn't yours!

What?

Cathy, behind you!

You let go of her, you fiend!

Julian, no!

Pills, my pills!

What, these pills?

I threw them away.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye, darling.

Don't worry, Julian.

I'll look after her now.

Merry Christmas.

'And there's your ending.

'Well, not quite.'

Right, we've got ten minutes
to get the final scene.

Cameras, round to the bedroom,
please.

Dennis is coming down to the floor.

'What does that mean,
coming down to the floor?

'The studio floor.
I needed to be there for the climax.'

Bye, everyone.
- Bye, Brian. Bye.

Good luck with the voice-over.
- OK.

'Such a rush now.

'Always the same with filming,
it's Gandhi in the morning,

'Hollyoaks in the afternoon.'

Thanks, Penny, here we go, then.

In five, four, three...

I've poured you a glass of champagne.

I know I shouldn't drink, what with
me being pregnant with your baby,

but one little glass won't harm,
will it?

Besides, you deserve a treat,

spending all that time in character.

Fancy having to spend a whole day
with that little brat, Toby,

I don't know how you bore it.

Oh, I thought you were going to have
a shower.

Couldn't keep your hands off me, eh?

What's this? Kinky.

I wondered what those chains were for.

I'll call the police in the morning.

It's perfect, really, Julian has
been under a lot of stress,

the doctors suggested this holiday,

but his medication ran out

and I found him lying dead at
the bottom of the stairs.

We should have the insurance money
in time for New Year.

I can't wait to see the look
on Celia's face.

Oh, she'll suspect something,
but where's the proof?

Like I said, it's perfect.

Oh, darling, that hurts.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Aren't you going to ravish me,
Simon?

Simon?

I don't know anyone called Simon.

I'm Krampus.

No.

No!

And cut! Great, thanks, Ralph,
if we could just step you off.

Cheers, Dennis.
- Oh, are you done, Ralph?

I'll see you at the screening if
there is one, shall I?

All right, keep rolling,
we're setting up for scene 18B.

Oh, is it a new scene?
- Dennis...

Quick as you can, please.

I-I didn't get pink pages for this
if there were some, Dennis.

Just changing camera position.

Dennis, can someone please tell me
what's happening?

Oh.

Dennis, tell me what's happening.
Ow!

Dennis?

'Always a strange moment when you
see them realise what's going on.

'You see, there's no acting here,
that's genuine fear.

'I don't think I want to watch
the ending.'

Action!

Dennis!

No! No!

'Well, that's it.

'Can't believe it surfaced again
after all these years.

'In its defence, it was one of
the better ones, but

'if only I'd got Gummidge.

'Police interview with Dennis Fulcher,
terminated at 1605.'

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