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1
00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:05,756
Malory:
What do you mean, Lana hasn't called?
2
00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:09,760
I've been sitting here for, like, 5 million
years and the phone hasn't rung once.
3
00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:13,847
So every time it doesn't, I just assume
it's not her, not calling to say they...
4
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,518
They should've rescued sterling
and rip from the pirates hours ago.
5
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:21,605
Maybe they did and just didn't call.
No, I gave them explicit orders to...
6
00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:23,440
What the hell are you wearing?
7
00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:26,777
Uh, this thing called "my boss
made me sleep at my desk," so pajamas.
8
00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:31,865
Men's pajamas?
For god's sake, woman, where is your pride?
9
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,825
In my work?
10
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,578
That may be the funniest thing
you've ever said.
11
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,247
Thank you. Malory: Oh, shut up.
12
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:40,624
And then try Lana's sat phone.
13
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:43,085
Wait, what if Lana's been captured too?
14
00:00:43,252 --> 00:00:46,838
Then I'll have to ransom her
and sterling and rip and...
15
00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:50,133
Well, no, miss gillette's
on her own. Still...
16
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:54,096
Get cyril in here! I need him
to find a way to pay for all this!
17
00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:56,974
Cyril:
Wait a minute, that can't be right.
18
00:00:57,724 --> 00:01:02,980
I remember being really mad and really drunk
and deciding to do some online banking.
19
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:07,901
- Oh, my god, I must have embezz...
- -Arrassed myself last night, huh?
20
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:12,614
Don't talk like black people.
And how should I know? I'm still ripped.
21
00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:17,661
Oh. So you don't, um, happen to remember
me saying anything about passwords...
22
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,997
To say, Swiss bank accounts?
23
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,375
Heh. I don't even remember
who peed on your sofa.
24
00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:25,502
Although, if I was a gambling man...
25
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:26,753
Wha...? Malory: Cyril!
26
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,298
Ugh. Smells like a kennel in here.
27
00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:31,341
Cash reserves, how much do we have?
28
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:35,095
I'll, uh, need to run those numbers. Heh.
29
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,306
Hurry up, we don't have a minute to lose.
30
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:40,851
God only knows what kind of torture
sterling's going through.
31
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,020
[Flies buzzing]
32
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:04,666
The bucket.
33
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,710
I'm not done. Yes, you are.
34
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,629
But I didn't... you know.
35
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:12,382
I can't with all the... everybody
looking at me, and then the judgments...
36
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:13,550
Lana: Noah? Yes.
37
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,970
I just traveled 8000 miles
and got ambushed by Malaysian pirates...
38
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:21,183
Trying to rescue a person who is now
responsible for my getting crabs twice.
39
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:25,145
Oh, come on.
These crabs, this time, were not my fault.
40
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,814
This whole dungeon is, um...
41
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:32,402
Were you gonna say "lousy with them"?
I was, but then I realized that's, uh...
42
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,321
Where that phrase comes from? Yeah.
43
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:35,989
Yeah. Yeah.
44
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,617
Yeah. So guess what I'm in?
45
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:39,910
No mood?
46
00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:42,371
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
47
00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:48,377
Wait, shouldn't it be some kind of crab dish,
because of the crabs? Like, uh, crab cakes?
48
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:51,505
Ooh. Or Lana. Lana.
49
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:53,882
Lana.
50
00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:56,009
What? Lana!
51
00:02:56,176 --> 00:03:00,138
Dungeon. Us. Crab. Huh?
52
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,099
Because we're in a dungeon.
53
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,226
I'm kidding. Crab rangoon.
54
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,887
[Scraping]
55
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,932
Archer:
Noah, seriously, I swear to god, stop.
56
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:47,018
Rock beats spoon. You should know that,
you're an archeologist.
57
00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,812
Anthropologist.
58
00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:52,232
Whatever. If you're doing it
just to get on my nerves, okay, I get it.
59
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,317
But if you're trying to actually escape...
60
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,319
Well, at least he's trying something.
61
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,405
Yeah, as opposed to the doublemint twins.
62
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:01,700
Heh-heh-heh. And one, two, three, go, herd.
Lana: Whoa! Unh!
63
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:04,327
Missed it by that much. Shut up.
64
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,789
It's no use. The trapdoor goes up
a vertical shaft to the radio room.
65
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,499
Exactly, and if we get to the radio...
66
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,102
Riley:
Which this idiot shot to pieces...
67
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,169
[Thuds]
68
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:15,130
Holy shit.
Wha...? What the hell happened to him?
69
00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:17,674
He...
Who knows? Maybe he had a brain aneurysm.
70
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:20,594
No, he...
It's the silent killer, Noah.
71
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,472
Not unlike a metal spoon
sharpened to a razor's edge...
72
00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:27,768
And used to slit
an anthropologist's bird-like throat.
73
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,145
He just kind of keeled over.
74
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:32,606
Probably thanks to your bucket-stanch.
75
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,213
Wha...? Excuse me, I didn't even go.
76
00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:36,443
We're going. One, two, three, down, herd.
Lana: Oof.
77
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,029
Jeez, how about a little warning?
I said, down, herd.
78
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:42,449
Uh, couple things. One, ray,
thanks for perpetuating the stereotype...
79
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,160
Of the gay man as a
collegiate cheerleader.
80
00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:48,497
Uh, yeah. For your information,
almost all male cheerleaders are...
81
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:52,793
Finely-tuned hetero-athletes.
Yeah, hang on, I'm getting a call. Brriing!
82
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:55,670
Hello? Hi, it's lacrosse, you lose.
83
00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:57,881
Wait, the phone. Lacrosse?
84
00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,133
Yeah, it's algonquin for "blood sport"?
85
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,344
It's not algonquin for anything.
86
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:05,388
My sat phone.
Yeah. See, Noah? Her... wait, your what?
87
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,808
My sat phone. The pirates took it.
88
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:11,478
And since I haven't called in,
Isis should be calling me anytime now.
89
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,687
[Line ringing]
90
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,857
Jeezow, Lana, answer your stupid phone.
91
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,860
Man [on phone]:
Hello? Give me sterling Archer mother.
92
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,862
Oh, my god, be more Chinese-y.
93
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,074
Pirates, line two.
Malory: Wha...? Well, put them through.
94
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,034
Oh, my god, be more "I hate you."
95
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,078
That's why your phone is blinking.
96
00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,871
Malory: Oh. Hello?
97
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,706
[Imitating malory]
This is malory Archer.
98
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,542
This is malory Archer.
99
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:35,585
Okay, then you listen to me.
100
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,255
No, you just listen to me, buster.
Bucky.
101
00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:42,509
If you touch one hair on my son's head,
I'll have your guts for garters.
102
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,262
Aha, you like wear garter?
103
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:47,639
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
It's an idiom, you heathen.
104
00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:48,849
[Scraping]
105
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:51,776
Malory will call, she'll haggle
over the ransom for you, me and Riley.
106
00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,186
What about me? Yeah, and me?
107
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,813
We'll come back for you later.
108
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:58,525
No, shut up. We gotta get that phone,
or something. I don't know.
109
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,735
But I don't want mother talking to bucky.
110
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:04,239
Why not? She's been coming to your rescue
since you were in short pants.
111
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,950
[Grunting]
112
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,369
Malory:
Oh, for... sterling, get your things.
113
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:13,707
We're leaving. Before this
quack's office burns to the ground.
114
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,751
[Grunting]
115
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:18,461
Malory:
Sterling, get your things.
116
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:22,966
We're leaving. Before this
cruddy school burns to the ground.
117
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,969
[Grunting]
118
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,888
Malory:
Sterling, get your things.
119
00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:29,472
He's gay.
120
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,516
You were in the army?
Oh, who remembers?
121
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,809
Cyri I: Well, try.
122
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,270
Pam: I can't remember.
123
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:37,731
There's a reason they call it
"black-out drunk."
124
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,984
If I don't remember that password,
I can't unembezzle that money...
125
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,320
And then I'm screwed,
because I don't have...
126
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,280
Malory: Ten million dollars?
127
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,490
That's outrageous. I won't pay it.
128
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:51,161
I don't even want the gay back.
So you just better sharpen your pencil.
129
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,580
Bucky [on phone]: [Don't have pencil.
It's an idiom!
130
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:57,083
Aw, but I love it when malory
bails you out of one of your idiotjams.
131
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,337
Oh, really? Then I get to
watch her rub it in your face.
132
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,672
Oh, my god. Okay, first of all...
133
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,050
Riley: First of all...
Riley, no. Don't say it.
134
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:09,971
He's been here voluntarily! Partying
his ass off as king of the pirates!
135
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,724
Hmm. What? Don't listen to him.
136
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:16,519
I bet that brain aneurysm
scrambled his broca's area.
137
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:19,522
Right? Language center of the brain...
138
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,696
Thank you. No problem.
139
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:29,240
Actually, not making much progress.
140
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:31,409
Lana: You're kidding.
141
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,000
Malory:
Three million, and not a penny more.
142
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:42,712
And before you see one thin dime,
I want to talk to sterling.
143
00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:46,174
Cyril. Wha...? Hey, Ms. Archer.
144
00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:49,678
Three million in cash?
That, uh, should not be a problem.
145
00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:53,223
I know it shouldn't be,
and it better not be.
146
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,726
Why would it be? It's not.
I just need to move a little money around.
147
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:59,145
So move it. Today please.
148
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,565
Keep looking,
maybe I wrote it down. Um...
149
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,442
"Archersucks." no.
150
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:07,487
"Killarcherdie." no. Pam: Um...
151
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,364
Just trying all my usual passwords.
152
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:12,033
Hey, way to not give them the power.
153
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:13,535
Thank you.
154
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:17,247
Do you hear me? I want proof of life.
155
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,085
Lana: You lying, pathetic,
little piece of—- ooh.
156
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:23,294
Lana, no. Archer: Ohm.
157
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:26,006
Come on, you're gonna kill him.
Yup, that's the plan.
158
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,424
Hey, hey, knock it off.
159
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:30,051
Look, Lana, don't get me wrong,
I like your spunk.
160
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,261
[Croaking] Phrasing.
161
00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:34,556
Shut up. But I promised his mother
that I would bring him home safely.
162
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:38,518
And I just assume that includes his spleen.
I think that ship might have sailed.
163
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,062
No, not a ship.
That was an idiom.
164
00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:43,648
A helicopter.
There's an old huey down by the dock...
165
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,735
And it just so happens,
rip Riley here can fly it.
166
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,069
No shit? Yeah.
167
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:51,990
Rip Riley here can fly anything.
You know, as long as it's got fuel.
168
00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:56,119
Well, rip, why don't we just look around
for some fuel in this cell...
169
00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:59,956
I doubt they'd keep it in here.
In which we're still locked?
170
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:05,587
I figured that we'd kind of work backwards
from the, uh, stealing of the helicopter.
171
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,797
"Archerburnface." no.
172
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:10,300
"Archerbortion." ugh.
173
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,344
Are you gonna type random words
in there the rest of your life?
174
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:17,932
All five minutes of it. At which point, Ms. Archer
will probably dissolve me in a drum of acid...
175
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:22,562
Unless you have a better idea.
State-dependent memory.
176
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:26,066
So your plan is for us
to get as black-out, knee-walking...
177
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:30,403
Shit-faced drunk as we were last night
in the hopes that we remember the password?
178
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:33,323
[Sighs]
179
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,158
Well, don't hog it all.
180
00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:41,414
Ah. Seriously,
I bet that would've killed a lesser man.
181
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,917
Ha. There's a lesser man than you?
182
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,836
Uh, yeah, his name's Houdini.
Whom I wish you were.
183
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,130
Yeah, because then I could
just puke up a key.
184
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,674
Because you'd be dead.
Houdini's dead?
185
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:54,010
You know what?
Yes. Here's what we do.
186
00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,262
We lure bucky down here
and take him hostage.
187
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,765
And then?
Then we'll see. We'll keep it loose.
188
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,519
Oh, for... and just how the hell
are we supposed to lure him down here?
189
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,104
Bucky: Sterling Archer.
190
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:07,524
What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you
over the sound of my plan working.
191
00:10:07,690 --> 00:10:09,943
Hey, telephone. It's your mother.
192
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:13,571
Wait, please tell me you didn't tell her
I was temporarily the pirate king.
193
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:16,533
No, not yet, but this is damn good. I...
194
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,385
Malory [on phone]:
Sterling, are you all right?
195
00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:21,538
No, mother, I'm a captive of pirates.
Unh!
196
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:25,708
Oh, and Riley said he no longer finds
you attractive because you're too old.
197
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,877
Malory: He what?
What? You little...
198
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,420
Son of a bitch!
199
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,131
Malory: Was that a gunshot?
200
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,550
Yeah, they got old ray this time.
Bucky: Unh! Unh! Unh!
201
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,885
Ray! Now I kill you.
202
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,512
Aah!
203
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,723
Right in the same ear!
Malory: Ha! Good. Serves you right.
204
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,852
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Malory, I never said that!
205
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:45,538
Malory:
You're no spring chicken yourself.
206
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,605
Bucky: Aan Lana: Unh_.
207
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,566
Shh. Lana!
208
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,693
Malory:
Is Lana hit? Someone talk to me!
209
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:54,070
Mother, I'm a little busy right now.
210
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,280
Noah! What?
211
00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,323
Archer: Spoon him!
What do you mean, spoon him?
212
00:10:57,490 --> 00:11:00,702
You mean, spoon him as in like...?
Oh, uh, right.
213
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,245
Today, please! Bucky: Unh!
214
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:05,498
[Yells]
215
00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:10,170
I am incredibly sorry.
216
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,298
[Grunting]
217
00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:17,594
Malory: Rip? Rip, I take it all back.
You're as strong and sexy as the night we...
218
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:21,514
For shit's sake, mother! How short
is the list of guys you haven't screwed?
219
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:22,724
[Gasps]
220
00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:26,519
How dare you?
You can just forget about that ransom.
221
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,104
For once, you're on your own.
222
00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:31,608
Archer:
For once? Oh, my god, Columbia hou...?
223
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:37,238
All I wanted was to mourn the murder
of my crazy-hot Russian fiancee...
224
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:39,115
By becoming a pirate king!
225
00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:42,118
But I guess that was too much to ask!
226
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:47,373
So mother can keep her stupid ransom,
because I don't need her!
227
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:53,588
What I do need
is some fricking crab shampoo!
228
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,175
Noah! Wounded! No, no, I'm...
229
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,802
Maybe some psychic scarring, yes,
but physically I'm...
230
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,262
Tend to the wounded!
231
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:05,225
Oh, right, right. Right, of course,
of course. Not him. Start with Lana.
232
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,977
I'm fine. Check on ray.
Archer: Yeah, he is not looking good.
233
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,146
Although, neither is Riley.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
234
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,732
And neither is your situation. Ha! Heh-heh.
235
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:17,820
Because you can forget ransom,
now you and your friends will die here.
236
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:21,032
Yeah, speaking of forgetting, couple
things. One, these aren't my friends.
237
00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:22,242
[Fabric rips]
238
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,661
Got that right.
I mean her, yes, kind of, maybe...
239
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:27,288
But there's a lot of weird
sexual tension. Lana: Ha!
240
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:31,000
But these other three, whatever, who cares?
I mean, Noah's a slave.
241
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,587
Heh. Yeah, about that...
Noah, not now. And two...
242
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,006
Aha! But I shoot gun many times...
243
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:40,426
And in all the excitement,
I lose track myself. Ah.
244
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:44,347
So now you thinking,
"did he fire eight shots, or only...?"
245
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:47,517
Four, idiot. So get your
things, we're leaving.
246
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:51,896
Okay, can I just run up to my hovel quick and
grab the only extant copy of my dissertation?
247
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:55,441
Noah, still got four bullets.
Oh, god, do you know what "extant" means?
248
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,860
You know what "license to kill" means?
249
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,363
I'll write another one.
250
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,872
Lana:
Ray? Ray, come on honey, stay with me.
251
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,083
Ray? Ray?
252
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,293
[Scream s] Ray?
253
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,962
Archer: Not sure that's helping.
Yeah? Well, neither are you!
254
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,714
Lana, I only have two hands.
255
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:19,590
What I don't have, is all day.
256
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,467
There, I finished. Jeez, damn.
257
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,722
Archer: How you doing, Riley?
How the hell do you think I'm doing?
258
00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:29,726
Hey, relax, Nick furious.
Save your strength for flying the chopper.
259
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:33,479
And again, I'm just incredibly sorry.
260
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,898
What's your blood type?
Heh. How would I know?
261
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,901
How would you not?
Who am I, Karl landsteiner?
262
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,070
Discoverer of blood groups?
263
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:44,574
You don't know your own blood type,
but you know who discovered them.
264
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:45,908
Yeah, now.
265
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,578
Your exact words, Pam.
266
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:51,873
"Dr. Charles drew,
or I will eat a bag of dicks."
267
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,082
[Belches]
268
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:54,250
Bring them.
269
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:58,254
And not to diminish the accomplishments
of Dr. Charles drew, but...
270
00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:01,591
Goddamn it, Archer. Ray needs
o-positive blood or he's gonna die.
271
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:04,761
So give him some of yours.
I'm a-negative.
272
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,263
Hey, me too.
And even if Riley is o-positive...
273
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:10,266
No, I'm a-negative too. Eh? Blow it up.
274
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:13,436
He's already a quart low, so...
275
00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:14,604
Noah:
276
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,398
Positive?
277
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:23,071
One of these days, I swear to god, I'm gonna
burn this place straight down to the ground.
278
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:24,280
Oh, my god, yes.
279
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:25,448
[Gasps]
280
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:26,657
What about this Sunday?
281
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,704
Unless you want people in here,
in which case...
282
00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:30,119
[Retch es]
283
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,329
[Snoring]
284
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:32,538
[Cyril muttering]
285
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:33,748
[Whistles]
286
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:34,995
Cyril: Aah! Five-o. Five-o.
287
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:37,627
Cyril, never mind moving that money.
288
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:42,048
What money? Oh, really? You sure?
Because all I need to do is just...
289
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,468
Re-evaluate your entire life.
And yes, I'm sure.
290
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:49,639
Sterling can get himself out of this jam,
for once.
291
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:54,602
Oh, and don't be here on Sunday, Pam.
292
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,979
Why just me? What's happening Sunday?
293
00:14:57,146 --> 00:15:00,483
Probably my grisly murder, because
we still haven't found that password.
294
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:02,151
Did you try "guest"?
295
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,278
No, Pam, I didn't, because I'm not an ID...
296
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:05,488
[Computer beeps]
297
00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:06,656
Oh, eat a dick.
298
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:07,865
[Belches]
299
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,158
Bring it.
300
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,662
How much of my blood does he need?
I don't know, 10 gills?
301
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,330
What? Us. Or imperial?
302
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,834
Just keep squeezing that gag-ball
that I don't wanna know why you have.
303
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,502
Uh, no, you do not.
304
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:23,381
You will never make it to the helicopter.
My men will cut you down like dogs.
305
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:27,176
Thanks, human shield.
Although, where the hell are all your men?
306
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:28,344
Are you serious?
307
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,311
They're all at the intramural
lacrosse finals.
308
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:31,556
The what?
309
00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:35,184
Lana, shut up. That's today?
Yeah, it's right now. Well, in 10 minutes.
310
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,477
Who's playing? Lana: Archer.
311
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:38,521
Uh, the lax-mi singhers...
312
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:40,648
They made it to the finals?
Uh—huh.
313
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,483
Versus the archers of loafcrosse.
314
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,777
What? That's my team. Archer.
315
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,822
Lana, I'm team captain.
I built that team from nothing, and...
316
00:15:47,989 --> 00:15:50,199
Archer. Ray is dying.
317
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:52,326
Does that mean so must my dream?
318
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:57,165
I think it's great that for once you're getting
out of a jam without your mother's help, but...
319
00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:00,835
Not for once, Lana. Hello? Columbia house.
320
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:03,880
But remember earlier,
when you said you and I were friends?
321
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:07,341
Of course.
I mean, I know we fight a lot, but...
322
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:11,053
God, now that I think about it,
you're my only friend.
323
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,388
Uh, wow.
324
00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:15,308
Right?
Yes, Archer, because if you do this...
325
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,893
Please don't make me choose.
326
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:22,565
I will never, ever forgive you,
and we will never, ever be friends again.
327
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:26,527
[Whistle blows]
328
00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,779
[Chattering]
329
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:33,034
Birds-eye view of lacrosse!
330
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:36,704
Lana. Lana, we got the face-off.
Hooray.
331
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:38,581
Now, can we please get out of here?
332
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,459
Because we are totally vulnerable.
333
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,419
Archer:
I know, look at our defenders.
334
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,922
Lana:
He's not talking about the defenders.
335
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,758
Archer:
The crease, idiots! Guard the crease!
336
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,593
Lurch, what are you doing?
337
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,429
Middies, come on, get in position!
338
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:58,935
Oh, shit, they are.
No, look, they're all bunched... oh. Oh!
339
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:00,770
Incoming!
340
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,396
Yee... oh, no!
341
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,732
Wait, Lana. Don't... aah!
342
00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:07,568
Get some! Get some, you sons of bitches!
343
00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:09,779
[Grunting]
344
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:12,406
Suck it!
345
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,200
Hang on.
346
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,409
[Archer and Lana yelling]
347
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,119
Archer: Lana! Lana: Archer!
348
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:18,653
Archer: What, Lana? Lana: I...
349
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:21,415
Nothing. I got you.
350
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:24,043
You got me. Well, that's just super.
351
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,878
What the hell is your problem?
352
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:29,507
My problem, Lana, is you just
Bonnie and clyded my starting middies.
353
00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:33,135
Archer, they were... redshirt
freshmen, Lana, who I was grooming.
354
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,429
But now I guess the
archers of loafcrosse...
355
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,558
Can forget about the south pacific
lacrosse championships!
356
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:41,561
Yeah, that's not a thing.
If and when that becomes a thing!
357
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:45,982
Hey, here's a thing. Your mother doesn't
know you ran away to be a pirate, so...
358
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,818
No. Lana, seriously, she...
She would literally kill you.
359
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,404
Well, figurative... yeah, literally.
360
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:55,825
So now, for the rest of your idiot life,
I've got that on you.
361
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,159
Right? Wow.
362
00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:59,620
Noah: Oh, my god.
363
00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:02,748
Just screw already. Seriously.
364
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,167
Then kill each other. And then shut up.
365
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:09,589
And then kill each other again.
And call me, so I can watch you do it.
366
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,174
Malory: Sterling, I don't
know how you did it, but...
367
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,344
Well, except for rip's eye,
you got everyone home in one piece.
368
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:16,512
Archer: No thanks to you.
369
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:19,223
Well, it's about time
you did something on your own.
370
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,642
Columbia house record club.
371
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:24,395
Archer, the important thing
is that we're home.
372
00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:28,441
And that we spare malory the details
of your time on pirate island.
373
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,192
Why, what happened?
374
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:34,739
Nothing. Well, you know, besides
a lot of, um, pretty horrific torture...
375
00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:38,117
Which, mother, if you had seen,
would have broken your heart.
376
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,119
But why dwell on that? We're home.
377
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:43,789
And my mourning period for, um...
Katya?
378
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,667
Is over. So, hey, it's a happy ending.
379
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:47,877
[Sighs]
380
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,838
Yeah. Yeah, it's just a big old
goddamn fairy tale.
381
00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:54,717
Fairy tale? Uh, phrasing?
382
00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:58,554
Ray, I'm kidding. Don't be like that.
383
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:02,224
Cheryl:
Ugh, gross. Keep it moving, cripple.
384
00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:05,728
Gillette: Shut up. Ray? Ray.
385
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:07,688
Ray?
386
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:11,025
Oh, okay. Then I guess just pout.
387
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:48,270
[English - us - psdh]
388
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:52,870
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