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1
00:00:13,348 --> 00:00:15,200
When your Uncle Marshall
was 10 years old,
2
00:00:15,296 --> 00:00:17,978
he read a book called
Life Among The Gorillas.
3
00:00:18,074 --> 00:00:22,479
It was written by an anthropologist
named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez,
4
00:00:22,575 --> 00:00:24,203
and it told the story of the year she spent...
5
00:00:24,299 --> 00:00:27,715
living among the western lowland gorillas
of Cameroon.
6
00:00:27,811 --> 00:00:29,535
When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez...
7
00:00:29,631 --> 00:00:32,090
came to the local community college
to give a lecture,
8
00:00:32,186 --> 00:00:34,197
Marshall, the youngest member
of the audience,
9
00:00:34,292 --> 00:00:36,688
raised his hand with a question.
10
00:00:36,784 --> 00:00:39,688
What advice do you have
for a budding anthropologist?
11
00:00:39,784 --> 00:00:41,508
So, you want to be an anthropologist?
12
00:00:41,604 --> 00:00:44,957
Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live
with the gorillas just like you did.
13
00:00:45,052 --> 00:00:47,543
OLDER TED: What she said next
changed his life.
14
00:00:47,639 --> 00:00:50,704
Oh, that's wonderful,
but I'm afraid you can't.
15
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,077
They'll all be dead by then.
16
00:00:55,334 --> 00:00:58,271
And if economic sanctions
and trade restrictions aren't enforced,
17
00:00:58,367 --> 00:01:00,154
the destruction of the rainforests
will continue,
18
00:01:00,250 --> 00:01:03,157
and over a million species
will be wiped out.
19
00:01:03,251 --> 00:01:04,752
So you don't want coffee?
20
00:01:04,848 --> 00:01:07,275
I'm saying that the coffee industry
is causing irreversible...
21
00:01:07,370 --> 00:01:09,829
- All right, I'm pouring it out.
- Okay, one cup.
22
00:01:09,924 --> 00:01:12,798
Kid needs to be alert.
First day on the job and everything.
23
00:01:12,893 --> 00:01:15,034
Still can't believe you're going
all corporate on us.
24
00:01:15,128 --> 00:01:17,325
The Kid has become the man.
25
00:01:17,555 --> 00:01:19,758
Okay, it's just an internship
to make a little money.
26
00:01:19,854 --> 00:01:22,281
After law school,
I'm still gonna work for the NRDC.
27
00:01:22,376 --> 00:01:24,005
They're gonna stop global warming.
28
00:01:24,101 --> 00:01:27,421
OLDER TED: Well, I mean,
they did their best.
29
00:01:27,517 --> 00:01:28,762
Here's your sack lunch.
30
00:01:28,858 --> 00:01:30,072
(CHUCKLING)
31
00:01:30,167 --> 00:01:32,817
Okay. I love you because, one,
you made me a sack lunch,
32
00:01:32,912 --> 00:01:34,828
and, two, you laugh
every time you say the word 'sack.'
33
00:01:34,924 --> 00:01:35,915
(CHUCKLES)...
34
00:01:36,011 --> 00:01:38,564
- I love you, Marshmallow.
- I love you.
35
00:01:38,660 --> 00:01:41,426
TED: I love you, too, Marshmallow.
36
00:01:42,523 --> 00:01:43,896
Uh-oh.
37
00:01:43,992 --> 00:01:46,353
- Ted?
- Oh, no!
38
00:01:46,546 --> 00:01:49,612
- No, she didn't.
- Yeah. Yeah, she did.
39
00:01:49,708 --> 00:01:51,496
Another care package?
40
00:01:51,591 --> 00:01:53,092
OLDER TED: Another care package.
41
00:01:53,187 --> 00:01:56,892
I'd been in a long-distance relationship
with Victoria for nearly a month.
42
00:01:56,988 --> 00:02:00,485
Long-distance relationships are a bad idea.
43
00:02:01,297 --> 00:02:03,213
- How many is that so far?
- Three.
44
00:02:03,309 --> 00:02:05,830
And how many have you sent her?
45
00:02:05,831 --> 00:02:08,433
In the mail or in my mind? Zero.
46
00:02:08,544 --> 00:02:09,917
She's up three-zip.
47
00:02:10,013 --> 00:02:12,343
Oh! Cupcakes. Great.
48
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,119
I bet they're delicious, too.
49
00:02:15,601 --> 00:02:17,552
Yeah. They're delicious.
50
00:02:17,964 --> 00:02:19,878
Damn it!
51
00:02:20,901 --> 00:02:24,236
I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes.
52
00:02:24,892 --> 00:02:27,251
God, I hate myself right now.
53
00:02:27,701 --> 00:02:29,735
God, that is so me at 15.
54
00:02:32,203 --> 00:02:35,588
OLDER TED: Marshall was going to work
for a big corporation called Altrucel.
55
00:02:35,684 --> 00:02:38,366
Altrucel was most well-known
for making the yellow fuzzy stuff...
56
00:02:38,461 --> 00:02:39,899
on the surface of tennis balls.
57
00:02:39,995 --> 00:02:44,631
I mean, this was a huge company,
so they did other things.
58
00:02:45,422 --> 00:02:48,615
But mostly, they wanted the public
to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff.
59
00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:51,776
Anyway, Marshall managed to score
an internship in their legal department...
60
00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:53,437
because he knew someone
who worked there.
61
00:02:53,531 --> 00:02:54,810
(PHONE RINGING)
62
00:02:54,905 --> 00:02:56,438
Go for Barney.
63
00:02:56,534 --> 00:02:58,832
Mr. Stinson,
this is Willis from lobby security.
64
00:02:58,928 --> 00:03:02,888
Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports
of a Sasquatch loose in the building.
65
00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:06,208
- A Sasquatch?
- That's right, sir. A Bigfoot.
66
00:03:06,303 --> 00:03:11,428
We don't want to alarm you,
but he's been spotted on your floor.
67
00:03:13,711 --> 00:03:14,955
(BARNEY LAUGHING)
68
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:18,010
Yes! Look at you.
69
00:03:18,111 --> 00:03:20,762
You're suited in an unmistakably
upward direction.
70
00:03:20,858 --> 00:03:24,243
Whoa! That is a butt-Ioad
of motivational posters.
71
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:28,393
Yeah. Hell, yeah. I got them all.
'Teamwork, courage, awesomeness.'
72
00:03:28,489 --> 00:03:31,490
- There's one for awesomeness?
- Yeah. I had it made.
73
00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:33,693
- Sit.
- Hey, so, now that I'm working here,
74
00:03:33,788 --> 00:03:35,577
are you finally gonna tell me
exactly what your job is?
75
00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:37,268
(LAUGHING) Please.
76
00:03:37,364 --> 00:03:39,088
- My dawg!
- My dawg!
77
00:03:39,184 --> 00:03:41,611
Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall.
These guys are in legal.
78
00:03:41,707 --> 00:03:42,824
You're gonna be working with them.
79
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:44,102
Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you.
80
00:03:44,197 --> 00:03:48,124
- Nice tie. Steak sauce.
- Oh, steak sauce. For true, though.
81
00:03:48,220 --> 00:03:52,043
- Where? I don't see any...
- Marshall, sidebar.
82
00:03:53,583 --> 00:03:58,501
Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1.
A-1? Get it? Try to keep up.
83
00:03:58,596 --> 00:04:02,141
Okay, Eriksen. Let's get to work.
It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside.
84
00:04:02,236 --> 00:04:03,866
Ding-dong. What? The doorbell?
85
00:04:03,961 --> 00:04:07,249
Oh, hello, Jessica Alba,
in a trench coat and nothing else.
86
00:04:07,344 --> 00:04:09,932
But wait. Knock, knock.
Somebody's at the back door?
87
00:04:10,026 --> 00:04:11,847
- I don't have a back door, so...
- Oh, my gosh.
88
00:04:11,942 --> 00:04:14,242
Jessica Simpson? What a surprise.
89
00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:18,568
Two Jessicas. You gotta pick one.
What do you do? Go.
90
00:04:18,936 --> 00:04:20,691
Right, well, I'm engaged, so...
91
00:04:20,787 --> 00:04:24,121
Fianc�e's out of town.
What do you do? Go!
92
00:04:24,203 --> 00:04:25,640
We're still engaged, even if she's out...
93
00:04:25,736 --> 00:04:30,128
Okay, fianc�e's dead. Hit by a bus.
What do you do? Go.
94
00:04:31,324 --> 00:04:33,237
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
95
00:04:33,973 --> 00:04:36,591
- Sure you don't want one?
- How many of those have you eaten?
96
00:04:36,687 --> 00:04:38,348
Fourteen.
97
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:39,720
No. Just four.
98
00:04:39,816 --> 00:04:42,180
- And the icing from two more.
- Mmm.
99
00:04:42,276 --> 00:04:44,796
So, anyway. Here's the problem.
100
00:04:44,957 --> 00:04:46,649
Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep.
101
00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:50,812
Anyway, I got the care package
and it's just great.
102
00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:53,193
Here, listen.
103
00:04:53,736 --> 00:04:55,430
(MOANING IN SATISFACTION)
104
00:04:55,525 --> 00:04:56,770
So, I'm standing there,
105
00:04:56,866 --> 00:05:01,400
my mouth full of this delicious,
relationship-winning cupcake,
106
00:05:01,495 --> 00:05:03,610
and I said something dumb.
107
00:05:03,954 --> 00:05:08,328
Oh, and don't worry. Yours is in the mail.
I sent it a couple days ago.
108
00:05:08,424 --> 00:05:11,759
And it's awesome. Really, really awesome.
109
00:05:11,809 --> 00:05:15,794
Why did I say that?
I think frosting makes me lie.
110
00:05:16,821 --> 00:05:18,098
Oh, Teddy boy.
111
00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:22,345
Yeah. So now, whatever I send her,
she'll know I sent it after I taIked to her.
112
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:26,591
So, that's the problem. You work on that.
I'm gonna eat this cupcake.
113
00:05:26,687 --> 00:05:28,666
All right, here's what you do.
114
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:31,317
Put together a care package of stuff
from New York.
115
00:05:31,413 --> 00:05:34,350
Some H&H Bagels,
an Empire State Building key chain,
116
00:05:34,446 --> 00:05:37,606
and then, top off the package
with a New York Times, ready?
117
00:05:37,702 --> 00:05:39,616
From three days ago.
118
00:05:40,098 --> 00:05:41,470
- That's brilliant.
- Mmm.
119
00:05:41,565 --> 00:05:43,479
You're brilliant.
120
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,078
You know, it's funny, not so long ago,
121
00:05:45,174 --> 00:05:48,335
I was coming to Marshall and Lily
for advice on how to impress you.
122
00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:49,899
That is funny.
123
00:05:49,994 --> 00:05:51,368
OLDER TED: And here's why it was funny.
124
00:05:51,464 --> 00:05:53,763
Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier,
125
00:05:53,858 --> 00:05:56,444
here's what Robin was saying to Lily
about me.
126
00:05:56,540 --> 00:05:59,467
Okay, fine! I have feelings for him.
127
00:05:59,477 --> 00:06:02,766
Now, it's ironic the girl I used to like
is helping me impress the girl I now like.
128
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,813
The irony is clear, Ted.
129
00:06:07,948 --> 00:06:12,990
- Hey! How was your first day?
- I don't want to taIk about it.
130
00:06:14,843 --> 00:06:17,238
The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.
131
00:06:17,334 --> 00:06:18,835
- What?
- They're jerks.
132
00:06:18,930 --> 00:06:22,986
- Well, what makes them jerks?
- Forget it. I don't want to taIk about it.
133
00:06:23,081 --> 00:06:25,196
Well, like today at lunch.
134
00:06:26,688 --> 00:06:28,637
What you got there, Eriksen?
Mommy pack your lunch?
135
00:06:28,733 --> 00:06:29,722
(LAUGHING)
136
00:06:29,818 --> 00:06:31,607
For your information, my fianc�e did.
137
00:06:31,702 --> 00:06:34,415
Oh! Does she cut the crusts
off your sandwich, too?
138
00:06:34,511 --> 00:06:35,502
(BILSON LAUGHING)
139
00:06:35,598 --> 00:06:37,512
No.
140
00:06:43,292 --> 00:06:46,351
- What's that?
- Nothing. Give it!
141
00:06:46,453 --> 00:06:49,965
'Dear Marshmallow, good luck today.
I love you! Lilypad.'
142
00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:51,179
Give it!
143
00:06:51,274 --> 00:06:55,744
'P.S. If you've unfolded this note,
your kiss already got out. Quick, catch it!'
144
00:06:55,839 --> 00:06:59,097
Give it back! Hey, give it! Give me!
Give it!
145
00:06:59,193 --> 00:07:02,482
- Oh, screw those guys. We're adorable.
- I know.
146
00:07:02,578 --> 00:07:05,323
God! It's like freshman year, all over again.
147
00:07:05,418 --> 00:07:08,899
Only, this time, my sweet dance moves
aren't gonna be enough to win them over.
148
00:07:08,995 --> 00:07:10,908
Not even Old Reliable.
149
00:07:15,443 --> 00:07:18,924
Sweetie, it would be cool
to have some extra money,
150
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:22,354
but if you're unhappy, it's not worth it.
151
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,735
- I quit.
- What? No. You...
152
00:07:24,831 --> 00:07:28,056
We're having so much fun.
You, me, working together. It's great.
153
00:07:28,151 --> 00:07:31,440
We're not even working together, Barney.
I'm in the legal department and you're...
154
00:07:31,536 --> 00:07:35,196
- Seriously, what is it that you do?
- Please.
155
00:07:35,495 --> 00:07:38,976
I'm sorry. Dude, this corporate thing,
it's just... It's not for me.
156
00:07:39,072 --> 00:07:41,593
No, of course it's not for you.
157
00:07:41,912 --> 00:07:43,826
It's for Lily.
158
00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:47,104
- What?
- Marshall, Lily's a catch.
159
00:07:47,148 --> 00:07:49,670
But do you really think you're gonna
hang on to a girl that great...
160
00:07:49,766 --> 00:07:51,683
- without the package?
- The package?
161
00:07:51,779 --> 00:07:55,004
The package. The house, the car,
sending your kids to a great school.
162
00:07:55,099 --> 00:07:58,419
- A vacation once in a while.
- Lily doesn't care about that stuff.
163
00:07:58,515 --> 00:08:00,494
Well, no. Now she doesn't.
164
00:08:00,590 --> 00:08:02,187
But how's she gonna feel
in a couple of years...
165
00:08:02,283 --> 00:08:04,933
when she's supporting you
on a kindergarten-teacher's salary,
166
00:08:05,029 --> 00:08:06,497
while you're off in court,
167
00:08:06,593 --> 00:08:11,122
defending some endangered
South American flying beaver.
168
00:08:12,596 --> 00:08:14,510
I know.
169
00:08:15,085 --> 00:08:17,119
- She'll be happy.
- Okay.
170
00:08:18,088 --> 00:08:19,716
But will you be happy,
171
00:08:19,812 --> 00:08:23,472
knowing you could have
made her a lot happier?
172
00:08:24,792 --> 00:08:28,017
And all four are totally naked.
You gotta choose one.
173
00:08:28,113 --> 00:08:30,027
What do you do? Go.
174
00:08:31,242 --> 00:08:34,530
I guess, uh, Bea Arthur.
175
00:08:34,658 --> 00:08:35,647
(IMITATING BUZZER SOUNDING)
176
00:08:35,743 --> 00:08:37,657
Wrong. Betty White.
177
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,199
Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.
178
00:08:43,722 --> 00:08:45,957
So, did she get
the awesome care package, yet?
179
00:08:46,053 --> 00:08:47,297
Yep. Yesterday.
180
00:08:47,393 --> 00:08:50,203
- Did she love it?
- Oh, she loved it.
181
00:08:50,299 --> 00:08:52,213
So, what's the problem?
182
00:08:52,215 --> 00:08:54,673
So, I was taIking to her last night,
and I should tell you,
183
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,302
we've been taIking on the phone
every other night,
184
00:08:56,398 --> 00:09:01,665
for, like, an hour and a half.
Eventually, you just run out of stuff to say.
185
00:09:01,761 --> 00:09:04,252
What did you have for lunch today?
186
00:09:04,347 --> 00:09:05,337
Mmm-hmm.
187
00:09:05,433 --> 00:09:07,347
Oh, rye bread.
188
00:09:07,507 --> 00:09:09,421
Oh.
189
00:09:10,541 --> 00:09:11,532
(SIGHING)
190
00:09:11,627 --> 00:09:13,541
Mmm-hmm.
191
00:09:14,150 --> 00:09:15,745
Yeah.
192
00:09:15,841 --> 00:09:17,755
Mmm.
193
00:09:21,748 --> 00:09:23,345
Oh, Teddy boy.
194
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,197
I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend,
195
00:09:25,292 --> 00:09:27,496
but this never-seeing-each-other thing,
it's a bitch.
196
00:09:27,591 --> 00:09:29,667
Maybe it just can't be done.
197
00:09:29,763 --> 00:09:32,189
I think it's clear what I have to do.
198
00:09:32,285 --> 00:09:34,199
It's pretty clear.
199
00:09:34,583 --> 00:09:37,234
I have to go to Germany and surprise her.
200
00:09:37,329 --> 00:09:41,559
Totally what I was thinking.
Get out of my head, man.
201
00:09:45,471 --> 00:09:49,143
Barney, how do I get these idiots
to leave me alone?
202
00:09:49,239 --> 00:09:51,841
Marshall, consider the penguins.
203
00:09:52,335 --> 00:09:54,694
- The penguins?
- On the wall.
204
00:09:59,487 --> 00:10:03,351
'Conformity. It's the one who's different
that gets left out in the cold.'
205
00:10:03,447 --> 00:10:05,171
This is a motivational poster?
206
00:10:05,267 --> 00:10:07,182
Look at yourself, Marshall.
You're not happy.
207
00:10:07,278 --> 00:10:10,120
And you know why?
Because you're different.
208
00:10:10,216 --> 00:10:12,450
Now, I suppose you could learn
to love yourself...
209
00:10:12,546 --> 00:10:15,036
for the unique little snowflake that you are.
210
00:10:15,132 --> 00:10:17,528
Or you could change
your entire personality,
211
00:10:17,624 --> 00:10:19,982
which is just so much easier.
212
00:10:20,592 --> 00:10:25,126
Change your personality? That is so awful.
And not at all motivational.
213
00:10:25,222 --> 00:10:27,904
Not necessarily.
Okay, at first, I was appalled.
214
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,180
But then I realized...
215
00:10:29,276 --> 00:10:32,916
it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez
in Life Among The Gorillas.
216
00:10:33,012 --> 00:10:35,151
No, I have to gain the acceptance
of the herd...
217
00:10:35,247 --> 00:10:37,354
by behaving exactly like one of them.
218
00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:40,165
It's an anthropological study.
Isn't that cool?
219
00:10:40,261 --> 00:10:42,271
Well, it sounds kind of like peer pressure.
220
00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:45,273
No, no, no. It's totally anthropological.
221
00:10:45,369 --> 00:10:47,508
And it's cool. And I'm doing it.
222
00:10:47,604 --> 00:10:51,850
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure.
We have an assembly every year.
223
00:10:52,416 --> 00:10:55,992
I'm portraying someone
who succumbs to peer pressure.
224
00:10:56,087 --> 00:10:57,237
All right.
225
00:10:57,237 --> 00:11:01,229
But if those guys try to pressure you
to smoke, what do you say?
226
00:11:01,324 --> 00:11:04,009
- Only when I'm drunk.
- Good boy.
227
00:11:04,326 --> 00:11:05,922
OLDER TED: And so,
to fit in with the gorillas,
228
00:11:06,018 --> 00:11:08,317
Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla.
229
00:11:08,413 --> 00:11:10,488
And that meant gorilla lessons.
230
00:11:10,584 --> 00:11:14,352
Okay. I'm psyched about this.
But if I'm gonna mentor you,
231
00:11:14,448 --> 00:11:16,107
I need to know
you're psyched about this, too.
232
00:11:16,203 --> 00:11:18,141
Oh, I am. I'm psyched.
233
00:11:18,725 --> 00:11:23,706
Yeah, but it's one thing to say it.
It's another thing to show it.
234
00:11:23,802 --> 00:11:25,716
Show it.
235
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,314
I'm psyched.
236
00:11:30,827 --> 00:11:32,740
What was that?
237
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:38,042
Marshall, I should feel
tremors of psychetude...
238
00:11:38,138 --> 00:11:40,467
rock my body like a seizure.
239
00:11:40,564 --> 00:11:45,545
That was like a declawed, pregnant cat
on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly...
240
00:11:45,641 --> 00:11:47,837
on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
241
00:11:48,515 --> 00:11:53,151
- Wow, that was really specific.
- Show me you're psyched!
242
00:11:55,092 --> 00:11:57,006
Let's do this!
243
00:11:57,199 --> 00:11:59,496
- That hurt!
- So badly!
244
00:12:00,264 --> 00:12:03,553
And then you slip it to the guy
with a discreet handshake,
245
00:12:03,649 --> 00:12:05,628
- and he'll get it done.
- Right.
246
00:12:05,724 --> 00:12:06,810
Get what done?
247
00:12:06,905 --> 00:12:10,158
- Whatever.
- Cool. And what guy is this?
248
00:12:10,322 --> 00:12:13,961
- There's always a guy.
- Okay. All right. I, uh...
249
00:12:14,057 --> 00:12:15,781
- I think I'm ready.
- You sure?
250
00:12:15,877 --> 00:12:18,910
You want to practice your story
one more time?
251
00:12:19,006 --> 00:12:20,920
All right.
252
00:12:22,933 --> 00:12:26,988
So, dude, check it. I'm in San Diego
with two of my brosephs from Kappa,
253
00:12:27,084 --> 00:12:30,788
and they're all,
'Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs!'
254
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,055
So, I'm like, 'A-snappa-doo!'
255
00:12:33,151 --> 00:12:35,514
So we find this choice nudie nest
near the airport.
256
00:12:35,608 --> 00:12:38,482
And that is when the bouncer
kicked us out.
257
00:12:38,578 --> 00:12:41,739
Now, I have no idea
if Svetlana ever got her green card,
258
00:12:41,835 --> 00:12:44,274
but, dudes, fake diamond ring?
259
00:12:44,613 --> 00:12:46,527
Worth every penny, bro.
260
00:12:47,837 --> 00:12:52,496
Eriksen, that was steak sauce!
261
00:12:53,809 --> 00:12:55,692
- Awesome, bro.
- Yeah. Yeah.
262
00:12:55,788 --> 00:12:57,823
- Get out!
- Great story.
263
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:12,802
OLDER TED: The next morning,
I was about to buy my ticket to Germany,
264
00:13:12,898 --> 00:13:14,686
when I got an e-mail.
265
00:13:14,782 --> 00:13:15,805
Uh-oh.
266
00:13:15,900 --> 00:13:18,136
'Hey, Ted.
Sorry I missed your call last night.
267
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:20,307
'This long-distance thing sucks, huh?
268
00:13:20,402 --> 00:13:23,371
'Listen, I've been thinking
and I really need to taIk to you tonight.
269
00:13:23,467 --> 00:13:25,894
'I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria.'
270
00:13:25,989 --> 00:13:28,852
- So?
- So, she's gonna dump me.
271
00:13:28,959 --> 00:13:30,619
Has anyone ever said,
'Listen, I've been thinking,'
272
00:13:30,715 --> 00:13:32,119
and then followed it up
with something good?
273
00:13:32,215 --> 00:13:37,100
It's not like, 'Listen, I've been thinking,
Nutter Butters are an underrated cookie.'
274
00:13:37,196 --> 00:13:38,313
What else could it be?
275
00:13:38,409 --> 00:13:41,411
What could she possibly have to say to me
that she couldn't write in an e-mail?
276
00:13:41,506 --> 00:13:43,540
I cut off all my fingers.
277
00:13:44,923 --> 00:13:48,722
Ted, you're a great guy. I know it.
You know it. She knows it.
278
00:13:48,818 --> 00:13:52,234
I would bet you a gazillion dollars.
No, I'm even more confident.
279
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:56,290
I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars
that she's not calling to break up with you.
280
00:13:56,385 --> 00:13:58,972
Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy.
281
00:13:59,068 --> 00:14:00,631
So I should still buy that plane ticket, right?
282
00:14:00,727 --> 00:14:02,641
I'd wait.
283
00:14:04,431 --> 00:14:07,017
MARSHALL: 'Sup, Blauman. E-Bomb here.
284
00:14:07,113 --> 00:14:09,065
We still on for karaoke?
285
00:14:09,219 --> 00:14:10,433
Dope!
286
00:14:10,529 --> 00:14:14,233
I'm gonna rock you on the mike so hard
your ears are gonna bleed gravy.
287
00:14:14,328 --> 00:14:17,176
Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.
288
00:14:17,522 --> 00:14:19,436
Okay.
289
00:14:20,746 --> 00:14:23,838
- What do you think?
- Steak sauce.
290
00:14:24,674 --> 00:14:26,971
- Steak sauce?
- Yeah.
291
00:14:27,707 --> 00:14:29,112
Yeah, look, you know,
292
00:14:29,208 --> 00:14:32,177
whatever anthropology you do at work
is your business.
293
00:14:32,273 --> 00:14:35,306
But, please,
don't act like that around here.
294
00:14:35,401 --> 00:14:37,668
Lily, when Doctor Aurelia Birnholz...
295
00:14:37,764 --> 00:14:42,362
No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline
came home from the gorillas,
296
00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:45,108
she didn't run around
picking nits out of people's hair...
297
00:14:45,203 --> 00:14:47,116
and throwing feces.
298
00:14:47,949 --> 00:14:51,047
I'm begging you. Just leave it at the office.
299
00:14:51,142 --> 00:14:52,100
Why?
300
00:14:52,196 --> 00:14:53,951
Because you're acting
like one of those guys,
301
00:14:54,047 --> 00:14:56,000
and those guys are lame.
302
00:14:56,154 --> 00:15:00,337
Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes.
But they're actually good guys,
303
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:03,179
and if you got to know them,
then you would see that.
304
00:15:03,275 --> 00:15:05,127
Look, come karaoke with us tonight,
305
00:15:05,223 --> 00:15:08,064
and you'll see how totally
not that lame they are.
306
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,228
- Okay?
- Okay.
307
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:13,612
But, wait. Knock, knock, back door.
308
00:15:13,706 --> 00:15:18,910
Who's there?
Angelina Jolie, wait, in a wheelchair.
309
00:15:19,007 --> 00:15:20,921
What do you do? Go.
310
00:15:21,018 --> 00:15:24,722
Dude, Scarlett Johansson with no arms
any day of the week!
311
00:15:24,818 --> 00:15:26,000
(LILY FEIGNING LAUGHTER)
312
00:15:26,095 --> 00:15:28,779
You're right. They're delightful.
313
00:15:29,766 --> 00:15:30,788
So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?
314
00:15:30,884 --> 00:15:31,875
(EXCLAIMS)
315
00:15:31,970 --> 00:15:33,375
I'm so over karaoke.
316
00:15:33,471 --> 00:15:35,641
Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.
317
00:15:35,737 --> 00:15:39,409
Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good.
The best, really.
318
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:43,943
But it's the greatest samurai
who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.
319
00:15:44,039 --> 00:15:48,158
Oh, baby, they have our song.
Let's do Don't Go Breaking My Heart.
320
00:15:48,254 --> 00:15:49,243
What?
321
00:15:49,338 --> 00:15:51,861
Don't Go Breaking My Heart.
Elton John. Kiki Dee.
322
00:15:51,957 --> 00:15:52,914
No way.
323
00:15:53,010 --> 00:15:54,767
- You gotta go with some Black Sabbath.
- Oh.
324
00:15:54,863 --> 00:15:57,290
Well, actually, Marshall and I have
this little dance routine we do...
325
00:15:57,386 --> 00:15:59,843
Iron Man. I could do Iron Man. ...
326
00:15:59,939 --> 00:16:02,705
- Steak sauce.
- Steak sauce, dude.
327
00:16:03,707 --> 00:16:05,207
Should we tell him?
328
00:16:05,303 --> 00:16:07,506
All right, Eriksen,
I've got some good news.
329
00:16:07,602 --> 00:16:11,273
On Monday, Bilson and I
are gonna taIk to Montague in HR.
330
00:16:11,369 --> 00:16:15,111
When you graduate,
we want you working with us.
331
00:16:15,296 --> 00:16:17,210
What do you say?
332
00:16:21,906 --> 00:16:23,151
- Yes!
- My man!
333
00:16:23,247 --> 00:16:25,961
- I told you he would.
- BILSON: We are gonna have a hoot.
334
00:16:26,057 --> 00:16:29,554
- We're gonna own the office.
- Steak sauce.
335
00:16:32,335 --> 00:16:34,059
Okay, that was gross.
336
00:16:34,155 --> 00:16:37,315
When were you gonna tell me
you changed your entire career path?
337
00:16:37,410 --> 00:16:40,987
Nothing has changed, okay?
I still want to help the environment.
338
00:16:41,082 --> 00:16:44,275
I just thought that maybe
I can make some money for a few years.
339
00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:47,915
We could buy an apartment,
send our kids to good schools.
340
00:16:48,011 --> 00:16:50,150
You could quit your job
and focus on your painting,
341
00:16:50,245 --> 00:16:52,194
I know that you say you don't need it,
342
00:16:52,290 --> 00:16:55,641
but I love you
and I want to give it to you anyway.
343
00:16:55,737 --> 00:16:57,846
I want to give you the package.
344
00:16:57,940 --> 00:16:59,345
The package?
345
00:16:59,441 --> 00:17:03,656
You've already given me the package.
You've got a great package, Marshall.
346
00:17:03,751 --> 00:17:05,316
I love your package.
347
00:17:05,412 --> 00:17:08,413
Lily, you're the most
incredible woman I know...
348
00:17:08,509 --> 00:17:10,949
and you deserve a big package.
349
00:17:11,222 --> 00:17:14,476
Your package has always been big enough.
350
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:17,672
You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen,
351
00:17:17,768 --> 00:17:20,208
but you've got a huge package.
352
00:17:22,238 --> 00:17:24,152
(MUSIC PLAYING)
353
00:17:26,581 --> 00:17:28,494
Yeah.
354
00:17:29,262 --> 00:17:31,175
(CELL PHONE RINGING)...
355
00:17:31,977 --> 00:17:33,764
- Hello?
- Why hasn't she called yet?
356
00:17:33,860 --> 00:17:35,328
Okay, you're making yourself crazy.
357
00:17:35,424 --> 00:17:37,404
It's Saturday night.
Go out and do something.
358
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:41,331
No, what's the point of going out?
I got a girlfriend. For now.
359
00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:42,832
Besides, if I go out,
who's gonna watch the news?
360
00:17:42,928 --> 00:17:43,981
I'm like half your viewership.
361
00:17:44,077 --> 00:17:46,887
Oh, I'm flattered
you think we have two viewers.
362
00:17:46,983 --> 00:17:49,632
She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.
You're awesome.
363
00:17:49,728 --> 00:17:53,241
Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00.
I should let you go.
364
00:17:53,337 --> 00:17:54,485
Break a leg.
365
00:17:54,581 --> 00:17:57,678
OLDER TED: And so, as I sat at home,
waiting for the phone to ring,
366
00:17:57,774 --> 00:17:59,808
something occurred to me.
367
00:17:59,881 --> 00:18:04,680
I'm actually sitting at home,
waiting for the phone to ring.
368
00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:08,371
(MAN SINGING)...
369
00:18:18,206 --> 00:18:20,850
- Marshall.
- Hey.
370
00:18:21,432 --> 00:18:23,315
Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you
in a month.
371
00:18:23,410 --> 00:18:25,007
Yeah.
372
00:18:25,103 --> 00:18:27,171
Yeah. How're you doing?
373
00:18:27,817 --> 00:18:30,307
I think Victoria's about to break up with me.
374
00:18:30,403 --> 00:18:32,355
Oh, God. I'm sorry, man.
375
00:18:32,446 --> 00:18:34,359
Yeah, well,
376
00:18:34,522 --> 00:18:38,225
honestly, I'm having trouble
remembering what she looks like.
377
00:18:38,321 --> 00:18:40,493
The more I try to picture her,
the more I can't.
378
00:18:40,589 --> 00:18:45,313
Like, I remember how she makes me feel,
I just don't completely remember her.
379
00:18:45,806 --> 00:18:48,871
It's like I'm trying to preserve something
that's already gone.
380
00:18:48,967 --> 00:18:50,755
Preserving something that's already gone.
381
00:18:50,851 --> 00:18:53,291
Sounds like environmental law.
382
00:18:53,756 --> 00:18:55,098
I don't know.
383
00:18:55,193 --> 00:18:57,747
I mean, we struggle so hard
to hold on to these things...
384
00:18:57,843 --> 00:19:00,014
that we know
are gonna disappear eventually.
385
00:19:00,110 --> 00:19:01,963
And that's really noble.
386
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:05,250
But even if you save every rainforest
from being turned into a parking lot,
387
00:19:05,346 --> 00:19:09,006
well, then,
where are you gonna park your car?
388
00:19:31,592 --> 00:19:32,805
(MUSIC STOPS)
389
00:19:32,901 --> 00:19:34,852
Rockupied. Dude, what...
390
00:19:38,775 --> 00:19:42,280
Next up, Marshmallow and Lilypad.
391
00:19:42,543 --> 00:19:44,456
(MUSIC PLAYING)...
392
00:19:55,283 --> 00:19:57,196
(SINGING)
393
00:20:08,404 --> 00:20:10,672
OLDER TED: It turns out
some things are worth preserving.
394
00:20:10,768 --> 00:20:13,257
But here's the real question. It's 2:00 a.m.
395
00:20:13,353 --> 00:20:16,546
Your friends are still out singing karaoke,
but you're home early,
396
00:20:16,642 --> 00:20:19,420
because you're expecting a call
from your girlfriend in Germany...
397
00:20:19,515 --> 00:20:21,878
who was supposed to call four hours ago.
398
00:20:21,974 --> 00:20:24,008
And then the phone rings.
399
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,994
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
400
00:20:27,402 --> 00:20:28,423
Hello?
401
00:20:28,519 --> 00:20:30,456
Hi, Ted, it's Robin.
402
00:20:30,659 --> 00:20:35,797
Um, listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?
403
00:20:36,948 --> 00:20:39,388
OLDER TED: What do you do? Go.
32699
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