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00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:03,220
-[drumbeat]
-[clapping]
2
00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,180
Fosse/Verdon.
3
00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:11,011
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
4
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ANNOUNCER: FX presents
What We Do in the Shadows.
5
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[bats squeal]
6
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[chuckles]
7
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He was a real spurter.
8
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Yeah, must have had
high blood pressure.
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Should probably see a physician.
10
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Well, he definitely should now.
11
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[both laugh]
12
00:00:28,811 --> 00:00:30,117
Oh, Laszlo, I feel wild.
13
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,554
I want to do something
stupid and crazy.
14
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:35,339
All right. What say
we retire to our bedchamber
15
00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:38,342
and slip into some
informal evening wear?
16
00:00:38,386 --> 00:00:40,910
And by that, I mean the nude.
17
00:00:40,953 --> 00:00:44,305
[laughs]:
Oh, Laszlo.
18
00:00:44,348 --> 00:00:46,307
Laszlo?
19
00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:48,135
Shh. Look.
20
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,007
That's our new neighbor, Phil.
21
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:54,010
Digestif, my darkest princess?
22
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,360
Laszlo, we've just eaten.
23
00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:57,796
I want to do
something different.
24
00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,363
[rolls tongue, laughs]
25
00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:01,365
Well, why don't I eat
and you watch?
26
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:02,453
That's kinky.
27
00:01:02,497 --> 00:01:04,151
Is it?
28
00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,675
[chuckles] Bickering like
a couple of ninnies.
29
00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:09,330
I know, right?
It's like, "Sheesh. We get it.
30
00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:10,896
You've been together
for centuries."
31
00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,985
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
32
00:01:13,029 --> 00:01:14,813
Those are vampires.
33
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You don't get to insult them.
34
00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:18,252
-I was just...
-You're not a vampire.
35
00:01:18,295 --> 00:01:19,557
-I'm sorry, Master.
-Geez.
36
00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:21,124
I mean, come on,
we get it already.
37
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,300
You've been married
for centuries.
38
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Watch this.
39
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Bat.
40
00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:34,572
Just get on with it, Laszlo.
41
00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:39,273
Come to me, Phil.
42
00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:42,058
Submit to my dark power.
43
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:45,279
Submit
to my dark power.
44
00:01:45,322 --> 00:01:47,368
When was the last time
I felt his dark power?
45
00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:49,848
I say come to me, Phil.
46
00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:53,417
-I'm not staying for this.
You're being very boring.
-Submit to my dark power.
47
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[bat squeaking]
48
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-[hisses]
-WOMAN: Phil? I'm home.
49
00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:58,814
-Phil? Who are you talking to?
-LASZLO: Shit. Bat!
50
00:01:58,857 --> 00:02:00,120
[shrieking, grunting]
51
00:02:02,644 --> 00:02:04,602
-[grunting]
-[bat screeching]
52
00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:07,431
[grunting fiercely]
53
00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:08,867
-Oh!
-NANDOR: Oh, shit.
54
00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:10,173
GUILLERMO:
The fuck?
55
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:11,392
BOTH:
Ooh...
56
00:02:11,435 --> 00:02:13,655
["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]
57
00:02:13,698 --> 00:02:16,266
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪
58
00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:18,660
♪ They have no use
for your song♪
59
00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:21,184
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪
60
00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:23,708
♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪
61
00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:28,844
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪
62
00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:31,455
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪
63
00:02:31,499 --> 00:02:33,979
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪
64
00:02:34,023 --> 00:02:36,547
♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪
65
00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:38,158
♪
66
00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:47,689
-Come on.
-COLIN: What's going on?
67
00:02:47,732 --> 00:02:50,213
-NANDOR: Laszlo was over
at Phil's house.
-COLIN: Okay.
68
00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:52,433
NANDOR:
And Phil's girlfriend hit him
over the head
69
00:02:52,476 --> 00:02:53,999
-and knocked him unconscious.
-COLIN: Okay.
70
00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:55,697
NANDOR:
So now we need to rescue him.
71
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:57,002
COLIN:
Well, where's Nadja, though?
72
00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:59,266
NANDOR:
I don't know.
73
00:02:59,309 --> 00:03:03,357
NADJA: Obviously, being in a marriage for centuries can get boring.
74
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,489
And it is in these moments
of dissatisfaction
75
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:10,277
that I think about
my human ex-lover, Gregor.
76
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,280
Oh, he is the most
fantastic of men.
77
00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:15,107
[sighs]
78
00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:17,109
If I did have to give
one criticism, though,
79
00:03:17,153 --> 00:03:19,286
it would be that he did
accidentally get
80
00:03:19,329 --> 00:03:21,288
his head cut off
in every life he's had.
81
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,289
[screaming]
82
00:03:22,332 --> 00:03:25,727
Such short, sweet lives.
83
00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:28,208
Shit. Shit, shit.
84
00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:32,255
[grunting]
85
00:03:32,299 --> 00:03:33,865
No, no, no, no, no, no.
86
00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:36,738
[grunting, panting]
87
00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:38,261
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Please take the ticket.
88
00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:40,959
Holy shit. Wow.
89
00:03:41,003 --> 00:03:42,526
NADJA: He has been reincarnated again.
90
00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:45,399
And in this life,
he is called Jep...
91
00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:47,401
Jean. Jange.
92
00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:51,753
Uh, no, it's, um, Jex.
93
00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:54,277
Jesh. Jenk?
94
00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:57,454
It-it sounds like Jesh.
95
00:03:57,498 --> 00:03:59,674
But, no doubt,
he has been reborn
96
00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:01,545
as another heroic figure.
97
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,112
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no!
98
00:04:03,155 --> 00:04:04,635
I told you guys, okay,
you're not supposed
99
00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:06,768
to come in here unless
you have a car, all right?
100
00:04:06,811 --> 00:04:08,422
And, uh, those don't
look like cars, so...
101
00:04:08,465 --> 00:04:10,641
-[scoffs]
You're not a cop, man.
-I'm not a...
102
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:13,514
-You can't tell us what to do.
-All right,
I'm taking your name down.
103
00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:14,732
I'm taking your name down. Hey.
104
00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:16,517
In the camouflage.
I can still see you.
105
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,519
NANDOR:
All right,
106
00:04:18,562 --> 00:04:21,652
one of us needs to be invited inand get Laszlo.
107
00:04:21,696 --> 00:04:23,437
I am nominating Guillermo,
108
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,308
because I am too foreign
and you are too boring.
109
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,397
Well, Guillermo doesn't need
to be invited,
110
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:29,181
as he's a human being.
111
00:04:29,225 --> 00:04:31,662
I would prefer to be invited in.It's more polite.
112
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:34,230
Actually, it looks
like it's a moot point.
113
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:39,931
They've stolen Laszlo.
114
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:48,070
I'm not approaching him.
Just going to watch.
115
00:04:51,203 --> 00:04:53,554
[exhales]
116
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[moaning]
117
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[grunts]
118
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:04,391
Gregor. Gregor.
119
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:07,916
He's not answering, 'cause
that-that is not his name.
120
00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:10,135
Jesk.
121
00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:11,398
[clattering]
122
00:05:11,441 --> 00:05:13,617
Hey. Wow.
123
00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:16,577
What a wonderful shock it is
to see you here.
124
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,579
-Yes. [chuckles]
-Do you think maybe
125
00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:21,495
you could let me into
your shelter of automobiles?
126
00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:23,061
What?
127
00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:25,977
Oh, uh, yeah.
Come on in, of course. Yeah.
128
00:05:26,021 --> 00:05:27,370
[laughs softly]
129
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:29,241
Well, how have you been?
I-I didn't think
130
00:05:29,285 --> 00:05:30,504
I'd ever see you again.
131
00:05:30,547 --> 00:05:32,462
You will always see me again.
132
00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:35,639
Okay.
Uh, this is where I work.
133
00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:38,381
Hence the...
why I'm working here.
134
00:05:38,425 --> 00:05:39,600
-Amazing.
-Yeah.
135
00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:41,993
You are protecting
a vast empire.
136
00:05:42,037 --> 00:05:44,605
Three floors, yeah.
137
00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:46,607
Are the cameras with you?
138
00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:49,087
You don't see the cameras.
139
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:52,656
Okay. Yeah. Come on in.
140
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:56,660
Oh, we got your birds,
your rats-- people hate rats.
141
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,053
Then you got your skunks.
142
00:05:58,096 --> 00:05:59,837
We get a lot of calls
for skunks.
143
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:03,058
I have to get closer
to see if he's in there.
144
00:06:03,101 --> 00:06:04,799
-[yells, moans in pain]
-[thuds]
145
00:06:04,842 --> 00:06:06,061
[dogs barking]
146
00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:08,629
Sounds like an owl to me.
147
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:10,761
So do you keep your horses
on one of the levels?
148
00:06:10,805 --> 00:06:12,589
Uh, no. There was a Jaguar
in here once.
149
00:06:12,633 --> 00:06:14,983
It's a pretty nice car.Just thought it was pretty cool.
150
00:06:15,026 --> 00:06:18,029
NADJA:
I have met Gregor
in many incarnations.
151
00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:21,816
Soldier, spy,
wax seller, monger,
152
00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:26,342
carpet monger, suitcase monger,
153
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,562
fishmonger, fly monger.
154
00:06:28,605 --> 00:06:30,564
He mongers a lot in his lives.
155
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:33,654
Your job is so complicated,
Gregor.
156
00:06:33,697 --> 00:06:35,482
-Oh...
-So stimulating.
157
00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,484
-[both chuckle]
-No.
158
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:39,442
A-Again, you know,
it, uh... it's "Jeff."
159
00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:40,704
Shh.
160
00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:42,880
I have crossed oceans of time
to be with you.
161
00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:44,665
[both chuckle]
162
00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:46,884
-I'm imagining
swimming through time.
-Yes...
163
00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:49,626
-But I have.
-Oh, wow.
164
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:52,020
Well, I'm gonna get
off work here, in a second.
165
00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:55,589
I just got a little bit moreto do, if you want to hang out.
166
00:06:55,632 --> 00:06:58,896
Oh, it is forbidden,
but ten, 15 minutes?
167
00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:00,724
-Yes, that's great.
-I will see you then.
168
00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:02,857
-Okay, cool.
-[moaning]
169
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:06,164
NADJA:
He's always got a very,
very strong sexual energy
170
00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:09,516
that calls to my sexual energy.
171
00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,518
Deeply sexual.
172
00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,215
That's Gregor.
173
00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:17,611
So, our roommate, Laszlo,
was knocked unconscious
174
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:21,615
whilst in bat form by ourneighbor, uh, Phil's girlfriend,
175
00:07:21,658 --> 00:07:25,967
and he's now caged and inside
the animal shelter.
176
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:30,145
Uh, uh, Laszlo, not Phil,
our neighbor's girlfriend.
177
00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:31,929
Yes.
178
00:07:31,973 --> 00:07:33,627
We must get him out
before daybreak.
179
00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:35,150
Well, and that's the thing
180
00:07:35,193 --> 00:07:37,326
with these nightwalkers
here, isn't it?
181
00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:39,981
You know, a little bit
of sunlight, and poof.
182
00:07:40,024 --> 00:07:42,374
They go up in flames.
183
00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:45,203
-I've never gone poof,
but it's okay.
-Not yet.
184
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:48,511
The vampires are always like,
[accent]: "Ooh! I'm a vampire.
185
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:51,688
I'm immortal. I'm...
[regular voice]: whatever."
186
00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:55,779
Well, okay. Well, how about
you go be immortal at brunch?
187
00:07:58,347 --> 00:08:00,392
NADJA:
So what is the itinerary
for tonight?
188
00:08:00,436 --> 00:08:02,394
Are you going to punish
your worst enemy?
189
00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:04,396
Embarrass him
in front of his elders?
190
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,573
-Oh, uh...
-Or are we going to destroy
191
00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:08,096
the worst criminals
from your village
192
00:08:08,139 --> 00:08:09,445
and I will help?
193
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,925
Wait, in Staten Island?
194
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:13,623
How about find some red witchesand cut their feet off?
195
00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:15,625
We could go to the carnival.
196
00:08:15,669 --> 00:08:17,322
I mean, they've got games there.It's pretty dope.
197
00:08:17,366 --> 00:08:18,976
It is like a freak show?
198
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,717
I don't think
you're supposed to say that.
199
00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:22,980
We used to have a freak show
in my village.
200
00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:24,591
We would get given one balloon
201
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,418
between all my brothers
and sisters.
202
00:08:26,462 --> 00:08:28,725
And then we would bite
at each other to get it.
203
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:31,946
One year, my sister bit
my brother's thigh,
204
00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:34,426
and then we sold the meat
for money.
205
00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:38,648
Hello. C-Can we come in?
206
00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:42,391
Excuse us,
can we come into the shelter?
207
00:08:42,434 --> 00:08:44,611
We're open till 11:00.
208
00:08:44,654 --> 00:08:47,048
-Okay, that's great.
-We see that.
209
00:08:47,091 --> 00:08:49,659
BOTH:
Can we come in?
210
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:52,532
Yeah, come in.
211
00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:57,449
How's your night been, guys?
212
00:08:57,493 --> 00:08:59,843
-It's none of your business.
-What are you... What?
213
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:01,802
-How's your night been?
-It's been fine.
214
00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:03,804
Okay, good. Ours has, too.
215
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:06,850
Isn't this the one
that you ate last week?
216
00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,852
I didn't. I wouldn't.
217
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:12,247
[whispers]:
It's locked.
218
00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,815
You guys looking
for the bathroom?
219
00:09:14,858 --> 00:09:16,251
I need to do a two.
220
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:19,384
It's right behind you, man.
That door.
221
00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,822
-Wait. Where are you going?
-[door opens, closes]
222
00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:23,954
They're not happy
tonight, Bobby.
223
00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:26,304
-Yeah, what's up?
-Oh, I brought in a bat.
224
00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:28,176
-BOBBY: Okay.
-A little fella,
you got to see this guy.
225
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,787
-Look at his face.
-[laughs]: Yeah.
226
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,094
BOBBY:
This guy looks like
a little English guy.
227
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:34,835
KAREN:
Yeah, he's a little,
little British chap.
228
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:36,619
Wait, wait, wait, let me blow
him up there. Look at...
229
00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:38,665
-You see something?
You see something?
-No way.
230
00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:42,451
-That is a bat's erect penis
on that screen.
-Laszlo's.
231
00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:45,410
-Okay.
-We're gonna have to get him
a little rabies shot.
232
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:48,849
I want you to bring me the
strange bat with the erection.
233
00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:51,242
Wait, hang on a second.
Can you imagine him
234
00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:54,419
with that little British
top hat, like, "Whoo..."
235
00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:55,769
-Like a little explorer.
-I don't think that worked.
236
00:09:55,812 --> 00:09:58,249
-I know.
-Not so hot at hypnotism, huh?
237
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:01,470
I'm fine at hypnotism; it's justyou can't hypnotize a subject
238
00:10:01,513 --> 00:10:02,863
that doesn't want
to do something
239
00:10:02,906 --> 00:10:04,865
that you want them to do.
240
00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:07,084
If the only time
you can hypnotize someone
241
00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:11,480
is when you have them do
something they want to do,
242
00:10:11,523 --> 00:10:13,308
then it's not really hypnotism,is it?
243
00:10:13,351 --> 00:10:16,093
[both hissing]
244
00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:17,921
Wait a minute,
can we help you guys?
245
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:21,533
Uh, yeah. We're actually lookingfor a lost pet.
246
00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:22,926
-Oh. Okay.
-Okay.
247
00:10:22,970 --> 00:10:26,060
-What kind of pet is it?
-A normal one.
248
00:10:26,103 --> 00:10:27,844
Like, a bat.
249
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:29,672
Oh, now, bats are illegal.
250
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,500
He said "cat," ma'am.
251
00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:33,023
Well, if you have any sort
of missing animal,
252
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,808
then you just need to fill out
the required paperwork,
253
00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,592
and then we'll go have a look
in the back for you.
254
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:37,985
Fine.
255
00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:46,384
NADJA:
Gregor doesn't know
I am not human
256
00:10:46,428 --> 00:10:49,039
and I cannot do certain things, like eat human food.
257
00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:51,172
Hey. I got us some popcorn.
258
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:53,304
What is it?
259
00:10:53,348 --> 00:10:55,698
Popcorn?
You've never had popcorn?
260
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:56,917
-You're gonna love it.
Here, try it.
-Oh.
261
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,614
-Just try one piece.
-Oh, I'm-I'm... No, I...
262
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,747
-No, just come on, just...
-Ooh, wait a minute.
263
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,705
Got it? No, just...
let me put it in your mouth.
264
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:03,880
-[growls]
-If you just...
265
00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:05,839
If it touches your tongue,
it'll stay.
266
00:11:05,882 --> 00:11:07,188
It sticks to your tongue.
267
00:11:07,231 --> 00:11:08,755
That's what's
kind of fun about it.
268
00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,800
There you go. Yeah.
269
00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:13,890
Mm. Hmm.
270
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:21,463
[Jeff grunts]
271
00:11:22,551 --> 00:11:24,727
Mm. That was so nice.
272
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,816
-Yeah.
-Hey, do you want more?
273
00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:28,557
-Oh, no. I'm-I'm okay.
-I got a whole bucket.
274
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,864
No! No. No.
[chuckles]
275
00:11:30,907 --> 00:11:34,345
Okay, so the ASBN-119
I need, but...
276
00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:37,784
MA-553 is of no use to me
whatsoever, correct?
277
00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:39,437
Uh, exactly.
[yawns]
278
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:43,790
[whispering]: I'm trying
to find an open window.
279
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:46,053
I think I found one.
280
00:11:49,012 --> 00:11:51,232
[bat squeaking]
281
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,149
Laszlo.
282
00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:56,585
There you are.
283
00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:58,848
I've come to rescue you.
[grunts]
284
00:11:58,892 --> 00:12:00,502
[dogs barking, cats yowling]
285
00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,725
[grunting]
286
00:12:13,428 --> 00:12:16,561
[gasps] Gregor.
It is your beloved weapon.
287
00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:18,999
You are the master archer.
288
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:22,045
Yeah. I... I am pretty good
at this in VR.
289
00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:25,135
Behold the great
Gregor the archer.
290
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:26,658
It's Jeff.
291
00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:29,966
Bring this place to its knees.
292
00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:32,708
Oh, shit. [groans]
293
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,189
Imagine it is a horde
of Turkish.
294
00:12:35,232 --> 00:12:37,234
-Horde of what?
-[hisses]: Kill them.
295
00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:40,455
[Jeff sighs]
296
00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:42,283
I kind of suck at this.
I don't know.
297
00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:44,241
What has happened to you?
298
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:46,896
[quietly]:
Stupid.
299
00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:48,942
NANDOR:
We are out, we are out,
we are out.
300
00:12:48,985 --> 00:12:50,944
-[bell tinkles]
-Here. Guillermo.
301
00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:53,947
[panting]: This is the third
animal shelter I visited.
302
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,687
-We did it?
-NANDOR: Yes, yes, yes.
303
00:12:55,731 --> 00:12:56,819
-[chuckles]
-[bat squeaking]
304
00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:58,821
Laszlo, you are free now.
305
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:01,432
-So be free.
-[yelping]
306
00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:05,654
-Oh...
-You're welcome.
307
00:13:05,697 --> 00:13:08,178
-Yeah.
-Fucking guy.
308
00:13:08,222 --> 00:13:10,224
Are you guys sure it was him?
309
00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:17,492
Where the fuck am I?
310
00:13:17,535 --> 00:13:20,060
I say!
311
00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:21,757
Release me.
312
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:25,326
So, what just happened
is that Nandor took a bat
313
00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:27,545
that was being treated here,
314
00:13:27,589 --> 00:13:30,853
and he just rereleased it
into the wild.
315
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,724
Uh, a sick, sick bat.
316
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:34,857
Do you think I might have
rabies now?
317
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:38,426
-Possible.
-Not now, Guillermo.
318
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:41,081
JEFF:
I just don't know how
it's my responsibility to pay
319
00:13:41,124 --> 00:13:42,909
for both Internet and cable.
When you have a roommate,
320
00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:44,693
you're supposed to kind of spliteverything down the middle.
321
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:47,652
-This is a misery for my ears.
-I know, I just...
322
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:50,699
-Nice outfit, freak.
-[coughs] Goth sucks.
323
00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:53,006
You mustn't kill them, please.
324
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:56,923
-Oh, no, I wasn't gonna
do anything.
-Really? Huh.
325
00:13:56,966 --> 00:14:00,013
Yeah. I... you know, I see a lotof this as a security guard,
326
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:01,405
and the best way
to handle this...
327
00:14:03,494 --> 00:14:05,061
RECORDED VOICE:
Congratulations.
We have a winner!
328
00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:07,803
-What happened?-He was playing the game wrong.
329
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:12,503
I cannot believe how boring
Gregor has become.
330
00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:14,549
In every other past life,
he was so exhilarating.
331
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:16,116
Such a maverick.
332
00:14:16,159 --> 00:14:17,900
You know,
when he was a washer woman,
333
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:21,121
he would pour dirty old
mop juice all over my body
334
00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:23,123
and rub it into me
while he ravished me.
335
00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:25,299
-When he was a wild horse...
-[neighing]
336
00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:27,997
I rode him naked all throughout the countryside.
337
00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:29,956
But this version of Gregor?
338
00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:32,175
It is a boring disgrace.
339
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:36,092
And you know what? It's becausethey named him Jeps. Jeff.
340
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:38,268
Wow, you were really good
at ring toss.
341
00:14:38,312 --> 00:14:40,314
-I had so much fun tonight.
-I cannot take this.
342
00:14:40,357 --> 00:14:41,924
I cannot take how boring
you have become.
343
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,274
How are you supposed
to be a strong,
344
00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:46,755
thrilling,
powerful warrior and lover
345
00:14:46,798 --> 00:14:48,409
with a name like Jeff?
346
00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:50,193
It is like a weak ejaculation.
347
00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:52,152
-[whiny grunting]
-Okay.
348
00:14:52,195 --> 00:14:53,631
-Jeff.
-Okay, all right, all right.
349
00:14:53,675 --> 00:14:56,591
You know what?
You're being really rude to me
350
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:59,768
and my Uncle Jeff,
but also Grandpa Jeff,
351
00:14:59,811 --> 00:15:02,205
-and that's where
I draw the line.
-Go back.
352
00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:03,815
Remember.
353
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:05,861
Remember who you are.
354
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,819
Ah...
355
00:15:12,563 --> 00:15:16,437
[deep voice]:
I am standing
on the crest of a hill.
356
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,135
Atop the Carpathian Mountains.
357
00:15:19,179 --> 00:15:22,225
-I am victorious from battle.
-[armor clanking]
358
00:15:22,269 --> 00:15:24,184
[grunts]
359
00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:25,750
But I am punctured...
360
00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:28,188
by many arrow.
361
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:30,233
Yet I survive.
362
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:33,193
I must survive...
363
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:35,978
to see my lover.
364
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,588
Nadja.
365
00:15:37,632 --> 00:15:41,070
Love... will get me through.
366
00:15:41,114 --> 00:15:44,769
Desire... will fuel my journey.
367
00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:46,249
Oh, Gregor...
368
00:15:46,293 --> 00:15:48,773
-it is you. [moans]
-Hark.
369
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:51,211
A rider approaches.
370
00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:53,430
He is wielding a sword.
371
00:15:53,474 --> 00:15:55,258
It comes towards me,
372
00:15:55,302 --> 00:15:57,130
-aiming directly for my hea...
-[sword rings]
373
00:15:57,173 --> 00:15:59,175
Oh, next life.
374
00:16:00,524 --> 00:16:02,962
Be down in a minute, sire.
375
00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:05,877
This mop...
376
00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:09,794
It is as full of water
as I am desire.
377
00:16:09,838 --> 00:16:11,013
-[moaning]
-I want to, but I mustn't.
378
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:13,233
-No, you can.
-No, he will hear.
379
00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:15,061
Just one little kiss
with our lips.
380
00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:17,237
-He will be so angry.-Just stick our mouths together.
381
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:18,934
[moaning]
382
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,458
-[gasps] Oh, no, sir,
not my head.
-Next!
383
00:16:23,721 --> 00:16:25,810
[snorts]
384
00:16:25,854 --> 00:16:28,291
[hooves clopping]
385
00:16:28,335 --> 00:16:29,423
[snorts]
386
00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:33,253
[dogs barking, cats meowing]
387
00:16:33,296 --> 00:16:36,256
Silence, my four-legged friends.
388
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:39,259
I sense you are angry tonight.
389
00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:41,261
And with good reason.
390
00:16:41,304 --> 00:16:43,045
For we have been imprisoned.
391
00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:45,047
-[cat yowls]
-Yes, without trial.
392
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:48,703
Now is the time
to hoist our oars
393
00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:51,314
and row towards freedom.
394
00:16:51,358 --> 00:16:53,055
Agreed?
395
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:55,101
-[cat yowls]
-Thank you.
396
00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:57,233
Now, I'm assuming
397
00:16:57,277 --> 00:17:01,455
that there is a cat
in the cage to my right.
398
00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:03,500
-[yowls]
-Excellent.
399
00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:07,200
You will succumb
to my dark power,
400
00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:09,854
and you will undo your latch
401
00:17:09,898 --> 00:17:12,292
-and free me.
-[yowls]
402
00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:15,164
Loosen your latch and free me.
403
00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:16,905
-KAREN: All right...
-Succumb... Shit.
404
00:17:16,948 --> 00:17:19,212
-Bat.
-Here you go.
405
00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:22,128
Over here.
You know your spot.
406
00:17:22,171 --> 00:17:23,912
There you go.
407
00:17:23,955 --> 00:17:26,262
Home, sweet home.
408
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:28,090
Be good.
409
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,136
All right. Night, fellas.
410
00:17:32,616 --> 00:17:34,227
Woof, woof.
411
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:37,099
-Nandor? Is that you?
-Yes.
412
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:40,146
I turned myself into a dog
to come and rescue you.
413
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:43,105
Hang on a second--
you turned yourself into a dog
414
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:46,195
-in a place that imprisons dogs?-I just thought I'd be
415
00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:47,457
a bit creative
and come and rescue you.
416
00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:49,372
You don't want me to rescue you,I can go again.
417
00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:51,157
And tell me how you do that.
418
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,375
You're locked in a fucking cage.
419
00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:53,985
Oh...
420
00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:56,379
What's Nadja gonna say?
Where is she?
421
00:17:56,423 --> 00:17:58,164
Uh...
422
00:17:58,207 --> 00:17:59,556
[Nadja laughing]
423
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,168
-OFFICER: No! Stop!
-[Nadja whoops]
424
00:18:02,211 --> 00:18:05,388
-Stop!
-My Gregor, yes!
425
00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:07,521
OFFICER:
Come on!
426
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,221
Hey, not-a-cop.
427
00:18:14,005 --> 00:18:15,181
[Nadja hisses]
428
00:18:15,224 --> 00:18:16,269
[grunting]
429
00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:19,141
Whoa, whoa. Holy shit.
430
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,107
♪
431
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:42,860
-Yes.
-We have defeated time itself.
432
00:18:42,904 --> 00:18:44,297
We have been drawn together.
433
00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:46,386
-[moaning]
-Let's make love right now.
434
00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:48,431
-Right here?
-Yeah, here.
435
00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:51,173
Right here on the dirty ground
in this filthy parking lot.
436
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,219
Oh, I was hoping
you would say that.
437
00:18:53,262 --> 00:18:55,308
-Yeah.
-Oh...
-[cell phone ringing]
438
00:18:55,351 --> 00:18:57,788
Oh, God. You want to get that?
Do you need to get that?
439
00:18:57,832 --> 00:18:59,355
Hello?
440
00:18:59,399 --> 00:19:01,270
Hello, Guillermo.
441
00:19:01,314 --> 00:19:03,446
[scoffs]
Yeah, I see.
442
00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,318
He did what?
443
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:07,842
I'm... Okay, yeah. Yeah.
444
00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:09,626
Yeah, yeah, okay. Bye-bye.
445
00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:11,411
Bye. Okay. Yeah.
446
00:19:11,454 --> 00:19:12,977
Sorry, I have to leave.
447
00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:14,457
-Stay with me.
-I know.
448
00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:16,459
Let's make animalistic,
freaky sex right now.
449
00:19:16,503 --> 00:19:18,809
No, but somebody else needs me
450
00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:22,465
in a much less erotic way,but, you know, it is what it is.
451
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,902
But I've died for you, Nadja.
I've seen it.
452
00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:26,991
These visions are enough
to drive a man to madness.
453
00:19:27,035 --> 00:19:29,037
Oh, it was only one time
you died for me.
454
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,343
The other times
were just accidents.
455
00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:32,040
A few hours ago,
my life was normal,
456
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:34,085
and now everything
I thought I knew was real
457
00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:35,652
has turned out to be
an illusion.
458
00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:37,437
I'm married with a husband.
Farewell.
459
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,309
-[whooshing]
-No, no, Nadja. Nadja. Nadja!
460
00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:43,443
[gasps]
461
00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:45,445
Oh, my God!
462
00:19:45,488 --> 00:19:48,056
-[gasps] Nadja?!
-[rats squeaking]
463
00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:50,493
COLIN:
And, like, I've also
noticed that some dogs
464
00:19:50,537 --> 00:19:51,886
are really, really big,
and other dogs
465
00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:53,366
-are really small...
-[thumping at window]
466
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:54,367
Oh, thank God.
467
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:57,326
-[hisses]
-Sorry. Thank goodness.
468
00:19:57,370 --> 00:19:59,241
-Laszlo and Nandor
are in cages inside.
-[Nadja sighs]
469
00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:01,722
-[Colin droning]
-Please come in, ma'am.
470
00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:04,333
Thank you.
471
00:20:04,377 --> 00:20:06,030
What is the code for your door?
472
00:20:06,074 --> 00:20:08,076
1-2-3-4-5.
473
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:11,035
-That's the code for the door?
-Uh-huh.
474
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:13,734
[sighs heavily]
Humans, I can't...
475
00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:15,039
[dogs barking]
476
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:16,693
Yay, it's Nadja.
477
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:18,521
Hello, my darling.
What are you doing here?
478
00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:21,176
-I've come to help you
out of the cage.
-Absolutely no need.
479
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,134
-Mr. Cat next door...
-[yowls]
480
00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:25,920
...I was in the process
of hypnotizing him.
481
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:27,487
I was moments away
from escaping.
482
00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,271
I don't know why
you bothered coming.
483
00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:32,318
Sh-Shit.
484
00:20:32,361 --> 00:20:33,710
I've got to free
my fellow inmates.
485
00:20:33,754 --> 00:20:35,277
I made a gentleman's promise.
486
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:36,757
OFFICER:
Well, the suspect stated
487
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,716
that he is an ancient warrior
who's been reborn anew,
488
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,762
-et cetera, et cetera.
-JEFF [grunting]:
That's all the truth!
489
00:20:41,805 --> 00:20:44,286
You can ask my ex--
we were together ages ago.
490
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,332
She turned into a pile of rats.
491
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:48,334
Okay, buddy. I'll just ask
the pile of rats.
492
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:50,205
I am Gregor!
493
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,729
Victor of many battles.
494
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:55,428
I am cleaning lady!
495
00:20:55,471 --> 00:20:57,995
♪
496
00:20:58,039 --> 00:21:00,911
-[meows]
-Run and be free, my comrade.
497
00:21:00,955 --> 00:21:02,435
-What the fuck?
-[cats yowling, hissing]
498
00:21:02,478 --> 00:21:04,480
-[cats yowling]
-[screaming]
499
00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:09,224
Still no thank-you?
500
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,792
Release your claws,
you ungrateful bastards.
501
00:21:11,835 --> 00:21:15,839
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
502
00:21:57,881 --> 00:22:00,362
-[crickets chirping]
-[dogs barking]
503
00:22:01,755 --> 00:22:02,799
[exhales]
504
00:22:05,889 --> 00:22:08,370
[hissing, growling,
slurping]
505
00:22:08,414 --> 00:22:11,155
-[earbuds: music playing]
-[gagging]
506
00:22:11,199 --> 00:22:12,505
-[music stops]
-[gags]
507
00:22:12,548 --> 00:22:15,029
ANNOUNCER:
What We Do in the Shadows.
508
00:22:15,072 --> 00:22:17,379
-All new Wednesdays
at 10:00 on FX.
-[gagging continues]
509
00:22:18,902 --> 00:22:20,817
MAN: Five, six, seven, eight.
510
00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:23,429
-He's a wonderful teacher.
-Boom-chicka-boom.
511
00:22:23,472 --> 00:22:25,256
Well, you have
taught him plenty.
512
00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:27,476
When do I find out
if I got the part or not?
513
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,435
You got the part
when you walked in the door.
514
00:22:29,478 --> 00:22:30,784
ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon.
515
00:22:30,827 --> 00:22:33,569
All new, Tuesday at 10:00,
only on FX.
516
00:22:35,615 --> 00:22:39,270
Okay, Tracy Cromwell.
What's your address
and date of birth?
517
00:22:39,314 --> 00:22:42,665
Mom. No one ever asks for it.
518
00:22:42,709 --> 00:22:43,884
I just...
519
00:22:47,844 --> 00:22:49,498
Slut bucket.
520
00:22:50,717 --> 00:22:52,196
ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
521
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,111
All new
Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.
522
00:22:55,939 --> 00:22:57,419
[needle on record]
523
00:22:57,463 --> 00:23:00,944
[hip-hop beat]
524
00:23:05,122 --> 00:23:06,994
[rapid drumming]
525
00:23:07,037 --> 00:23:09,039
[beat resumes]
35671
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