All language subtitles for The Cleveland Show s04e10 When a Man Loves His Cookie.eng

(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown

♪ And I am proud to be

♪ Right back in my hometown

♪ With my new family

♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪

♪ And even a bear

♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪

♪ It's true love we share

♪ And so I found a place

♪ Where everyone will know

♪ My happy mustached face

♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪

(chuckles)

(low conversations)

All right, listen up.

I told Freight Train to be home
promptly at 6:30

for a special dinner, so it's
time for everybody to hide.

Donna, you're the biggest,
so you might want to push

the couch and the
piano together.

Come on, big'un.

Not yet. Not yet.

Not yet. Not yet.

And... finished.

I call it,
"He Ain't Coming, Mom."

We goin'?

I'm sorry Dad stood you
up on your anniversary.

Please, if I had to be reminded

that I married her
b'tugly-ass every year,

I'd stand her up, too.

Let's go.

WOMAN:
Bye, Lavar.

(vehicle driving away)
Bye, Diane Lane.

Uh, I renamed my car Diane Lane.

Ooh, I'm naming
mine Carol.

Happy Anniv....

Ow! My breathing nose.

What are you all doing
in my house?

This was our surprise
anniversary party, Lavar,

and you were supposed
to be here hours ago.

(sobbing)
Now you know how I felt

when you were late
and we got stuck with Cleveland.

That's me!

Wait.

(sobbing)

Aw, this ain't Toys"R"Us.

You're a liar, Mama.

I'll only be a minute.

Gotta grab me a big thing
of pretzels.

A minute?
That never means a minute.

What are we gonna do?

This place is so booooring.

What?
This place is amazing.

What are you
doing, man?

I hang out here all the time,
playing office.

(yawns)

Work.

You want to play?

Can I be the co-worker

who's secretly sleeping
with the receptionist

and no one knows
but everyone knows?

Cheryl?

She's got HPV.

So? All right, I'm gonna
go find the marker aisle,

get a couple good whiffs,

and then go stare at
some screen savers.

I'm sorry, Junior,
but this unit has been sold.

What? But I've been
playing office here

for a year and a half.

I know. And nothing has brought
a smile to my face

more than seeing you grow
Cleveland Jr. Industries

from a fake mom-and-pop
organization

to a fake international
conglomerate.

But I'm afraid floor models
don't last forever.

Can you give me a
moment to say good-bye?

Take all the time
you need.

It's going
in two minutes.

I envy you,
my particleboard friend.

You're going to see what
it's like in a real office.

(sighs)
That's always been my dream.

Someday.

Or maybe today.

(grunting)

This double-wide,
horizontal filing cabinet

needs to go, too.

Phew.

Let's go, Rallo.

Have you seen Roberta?
No.

But I've seen everything else.

(shuttering gibberish)

(traffic sounds)

It's even more beautiful
than in my dreams.

Mornin'.
Traffic, huh?

(chuckles)
Tell me about it.

Frank Lefkowitz.

Just transferred
from Sarasota.

Well, welcome to the
Stoolbend branch.

Sarasota, huh?

Long shot, but do you know
Steve Mazepa?

Oh, yeah, sure.

He's the guy, about three foot
tall, huge calves,

lives in a tree,
hands covered in fur, right?

Head looks like an anvil?

Uh, maybe.

I actually knew his brother
a little better.

Well, better get
back to work.

I'm doing it.

I'm really doing it.

I just saw Mom
at the beauty parlor.

She's crying
under a dryer.

What were you
doing there?

I was also crying
under a dryer.

Oh, I can't stand
to see Mother sad.

So, when it comes to patching
things up between you and Mom,

I think I've got just
the metaphorical ticket.

Literal tickets.

George Clinton and
the P-Funk All Stars?

That's Mom's
favorite band.

They're for
your anniversary.

The perfect mermento to
cammermurate the occasion.

Cool. Who should I take?
Mom!

My mom's dead, Cleveland.

My mom.

I bought these so you could
make it up to her

for missing
your guys's anniversary.

Let her know you don't
take her for granted.

Just tell her that
this was your idea.

I do like lying
to your mother.

(funk music playing)

Oh, man. Great.

McTubby and Wife.

Thanks for the
tickets, Cleveland.

You're welc--
Uh, they're from Dad.

Oh, please.
Cleveland, I know

you've been covering for
your father for years.

The cards, the flowers,

that time you
dressed up like him

and took me to Paris
for my birthday.

♪
(slurping)

Oh, Lavar.

This is so romantic.

Shut up, Mommy.
I mean, bitch.

(funk music playing,
fireworks popping)

(whoops)
George Clinton!

(whoops)

Where's all my ladies
at tonight?

(whooping)
Right here, baby.

There are also men
in the crowd!

Involve us!

Which one of y'all ready to funk
with me tonight?

(crowd cheering)

Oh, my God, George Clinton!

Cleveland, you
come, too.

No, he wants you.

What's your name?

Evelyn, but my friends
call me Cookie.

Well, why don't I just call
you Cosmic Chocolate?

Mmm!

Mmm!

(giggles)

Cookie, sit down,
you're gonna break the stage.

Hah! Jealous?

Hell no.

I am.

When is the men's turn?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Why don't we just let
the mother ship sail

right on into
your Milky Way, baby?

That's my mom!
That's my mom!

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

(crowd cheering)

Is your mom funkin'
George Clinton?

Making a damn fool of
herself is what she's doing.

Let's hear it for
Evelyn, y'all,

my beautiful Bride
of Funkenstein.

Yeah.

(Cookie giggling,
crowd cheering)

(fireworks popping)

(crickets chirping)

It's been an hour
and a half.

When's she coming
back out?

Don't worry about Mom.

She's probably just having
some cheese plates.

P-Funk's probably got all kinds
of cheeses-eses back there.

Well, I'm sick
of waiting.

Let's tell her
it's time to go.

Cleveland,
put your underpants back on.

No!

(loud pounding)

Yeah?

My wife's in there.

Tell her I'm ready to go.

Is she a thick, squat
older version of him?

That's very kind
of you. Yes.

She with them.

COOKIE:
Bow, wow, wow,

yippee-yo, yippee-yay!

My God.

Cleveland, do you know
what this means?

I think we all know
what this means.

George Clinton
has kidnapped your mother.

(laughs)
No.

So, let me get this straight,
Mr. Brown.

You're saying that your wife--

a thick, squat
older version of him...

Very kind,
thank you.

...was kidnapped
by Dr. Funkenstein himself,

George Clinton?

I don't like
what you're implying.

Why would any woman
run off with anybody

when she's got a man at home?

Uh, you're not all that?

Come on, Cleveland.

Once again, the police are
no help to a black man.

We are both black, sir.

All cops are white
on the inside.

Like a Eskimo Bar.

Or a coconut.

These charts behind me
don't lie, people.

Our numbers are down
across the board.

According to this chart,

the only department
that's pulling its weight

is the Charts Department.

Nice job, Charts.

How do we boost our numbers?

Myron.
Uh, well...

Terrible.
Why do I bother?

Next.
Uh...

Tried it in '09.
Doesn't work.

You, new guy.

Well, Mr. Oxnard, sir,

I think we should look
at the toys

and make sure they're the ones
that the kids want to play with.

Toys? What toys?
We don't make toys.

No, sir, I think what Lefkowitz
is saying is a metaphor.

We need to put the fun back into
facultative reinsurance

and cooperative underwriting.

And with each policy
we give away a toy.

A rubber bus
or something.

Or dolls.

Yeah, or a rubber bus.

Good job, Lefkowitz.

You're getting your own
parking spot.

♪ Frank Lefkowitz

♪ Has his own parking space

♪ And there's shards of glass

♪ Slicing up my calves.

(screams in agony)

This is P-Funk's
tour schedule.

They're in Knoxville
tomorrow night.

If we leave right now,
we can catch up to 'em.

Dad, I think
Mom is okay.

We don't know that.

COOKIE:
Oh, I'm more than okay, I'm alive.

Evelyn.

Hey, Freight Train.

How are you?

I've never been better.

You like the dress
George bought me?

Evelyn, your mammarys
are hanging out.

What the hell are you doing?

Being appreciated, Lavar.

George Clinton listens to me,

and he likes my cooking.

Gotta go.

Hey, baby, you ready
for round 20?

(lascivious chuckle)

Did it sound to you like she
was reading from a script?

Sounded more to me like
she was taking dictation.

George Clinton
can have her.

She's dead to me.

You do know that
"she's dead to me"

is just an expression?

And so we
bid farewell

to Evelyn Champagne
Brunch Brown,

aka Cookie, first host
of Friday Night Videos,

former long-haul truck driver,

five-time Libertarian candidate
for mayor, and Jezebel.

There's no place
for you in Heaven.

Amen.

I now ask her son
if he would say a few words.

Go on.
This is ridiculous.

I'm not speaking
at Mom's fake...

Get up there,
you're her only son.

(sobbing):
Mama!

Mommy!

Too soon!

(sobbing)

I once accidentally saw you pee,

and I didn't stop watching!

(sobbing)

All right, Lefkowitz, you
brought donuts for everybody.

No, this is my lunch.

What do you want?

Well, hot shot, since you
saved us a bunch of money,

I thought we'd throw
a company picnic.

You're a family man, right?

What have I said
up to this point?

That you have
a wife and kid.

Boy or girl?

(laughs)
Lefkowitz.

I guess it's time
to rent me some Mexicans

or some blacks.

Shut the front door.

You're saying
you were with two girls?

Yep, and if you add
both of 'em together,

they were almost
age appropriate.

(laughs)

Say, blood,
where you get these bitches?

Let me get this straight.

Your dad is having relations
with young ladies

only a day after fake-burying
your mother,

who-- let us not forget--
is out with George Clinton

getting funked
six ways from Sunday?

Yes.

Cleveland,
you are white trash.

(laughter)

Dad, I'm gonna help you
make things right with Mom.

Forget that; I'm headed home.

I got some Craigslist Asians

gonna meet me there
in a half hour.

Oh, he gonna get him some
and dim sum.

Daddy, are you
and the Asian ladies decent?

I'm gonna go swat
the tetherball out back

till he gets home.

(sobbing)

Dad?

She's dead, Cleveland.

What are you doing?

Where are
the Asian ladies?

I made 'em up, Cleveland.

It's no fun messing around
when there's no one waiting

at home for you
to slap you upside the head.

She ain't coming back.

(sobbing)

Dad, can we get
badminton for Easter?

I took it too far
this time, Cleveland,

and now I realize
just how much I love her.

The best thing I ever had
is gone forever.

Dad, look at yourself
in the mirror.

I'm fat.

Look at us, a
couple of schmoes--

one fat, one
heartbroke.

You know what? Instead
of sitting here moping,

get out there and
fight for Mom,

and I'm gonna order
sliced tomatoes

with my double cheeseburger
instead of fries--

or maybe I'll get
the fries, too.

I'll eat the tomatoes first,

but I'll eat the fries
if I'm still hungry.

I ain't never had to fight
for no woman in my life.

That's what losers do.

Hello, I did that.

And I won the
love of my life.

Think about it,

and I'm going to
have a cheeseburger.

And you know what?

No tomatoes.

Actually, avocado--
that's a good fat, like me.

(children laughing)

Don't mess
this up for me.

I'm living my dream.

Now, I've paid you both
handsomely to know your roles.

Again, Roberta,
you are my wife Jane.

Our son was an accident.

You've talked yourself
into loving me

because I'm a good provider.

And that's why I drink.

Perfect.

Look, I'll be around
for the intros, photos,

or when you need your son
to be in a sack race,

but the rest
of the time,

you can catch a brother
at the swangs!

Perfect.

Okay, showtime.

Frank, you family-having
son of a gun.

Nice to meet you.

Well, hello there,
little guy.

You look
just like your dad.

Wow, that's a kick in the b...

(chuckles)

Run and play on
the swings, son.

Swangs!

(sighs)
Kids-- they grow up so fast.

So, why you keeping
Frank so late at work?

You see he's
got a kid.

Whoa, Jane.

Don't you raise your fist
to me, you sad, little man.

You know what?

This is stupid dumb.
Screw this.

I'm going to go make out with
my boyfriend in his mouth.

(groans nervously)

Jane!

Wait!

Why are they always fighting?

(cries)

Does anybody want
to buy me a toy?

Mr. Oxnard, sir,
I-I want to apologize

for that "situation"
at the picnic.

Apologize for what?

You handled that with
class and dignity.

I've had marital problems with
my young, black wife, too.

Like what?

Oh, she didn't like
my brother watching us.

Look, Lefkowitz, I'm
gonna get right to it.

I'm going to give
you Myron's job.

He'll figure out a way
to support his kids,

even the one
in the chair.

Mr. Oxnard, you're a prince.

I've dreamed of an offer
like that my whole life,

but I haven't been honest
with you.

I'm not a high school graduate.

Myron went to Harvard
and he's a total moron.

Be that as it may, I can only
worry about Frank Lefkowitz,

and Frank Lefkowitz
has got to get his GED.

Well, Lefkowitz, there will
always be a desk for you

here at McClennan
Reinsurers.

Can I take it home?

Huh, yes.

Good-bye, Mr. Oxnard.

♪

Penn State?

Yuck.

Cleveland,
I need your help.

Here, start with these.

Also yuck.

I'm gonna fight to get your mom
back from George Clinton.

How?

I'm gonna do
the only logical thing--

start my own
'70s funk band.

All I need now
is the band.

You got some friends who might
be up for something crazy?

Let me see.

Dead, dead, dead,

lost his thumbs, dead, dead.

Wait a minute.

Okay, one more,
one more.

That was good.

Now pretend I'm the Jostens man
and give me yearbook.

Ah, forget it, here they come.

Remember,
just scare 'em.

(people screaming, Tim growling)

He's good.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen, we regret

to inform you that George
Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars

have been mauled to death
by a bear.

On a lighter note,
that bear plays guitar,

so put your hands together

for Freight Train
and the Palpitations.

♪ Ooh... ♪

Lavar?

I want to send this out
to the only woman

who's ever really mattered
in my life-- my wife

Evelyn "Cookie" Brown.

♪ Ooh... ♪
Cookie, I made mistakes, I treated you wrong,

but ever since you left me,

I've been feeling sick, so bad.
♪ Ooh... ♪

Everybody, gather around
in a circle because...

♪ I'm feeling ookie, Cookie

♪ Ookie, Cookie ♪
♪ Because I made such a mess

♪ I'm eatin' my words now,
Cookie ♪

♪ And they don't taste
the best ♪

♪ Some people think
it's just a game ♪ ♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ But to me it means a lot
♪ Quite a lot ♪

♪ My aim-- it might be shaky
♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ But I'm gonna give it,
give it one last shot ♪

♪ I'm feeling ookie, Cookie...

I think Cookie Monster
put it best when he said,

"'C' is for Cookie
and that's good enough for me."

Yeah, those other women

don't mean nothing.

In fact, you know what?

I'm gonna call them right now.

Hello, Beatrice,
it's Freight Train.

We're through.

Hi, is this the Waffle House?

Let me speak to Jalisa.

Baby, I got to quit you.

Hello, Maureen, we're done.

Now give the phone to your mom.

Hey, Doreen, you know
why your daughter's crying?

Same goes for you.

It's over.

Why?

I'll tell you why.

♪ I'm feeling ookie, Cookie

♪ Ookie, Cookie ♪
♪ I've been a big old nasty jerk ♪

♪ It'd be a big load off

♪ Big, huge load ♪
♪ If we could just make this work ♪

♪ So

ALL:
♪ Come on, Cookie.

I'm sorry, Cookie.

I love you and
your cooking

and your tall-boy-
sized belly button

and your
Libertarian politics

and your ability
to drive a big rig

a thousand miles without
changing your diaper.

Oh, Lavar,
let's go home.

You're gonna get
some cookies

out of this cookie jar
tonight.

Well, first you're gonna
run that cookie jar

through the dishwasher.

Oh, Lavar.

♪ I'm feeling ookie, Cookie

♪ Aah, Cookie!

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