All language subtitles for The Cleveland Show s02e18 The Essence of Cleveland.eng

[♪]

And a roll of quarters.

It's laundry day.

Let's go!

[SIRENS WAILING]

Drop your weapons.

[SCREAMING]

♪ Trying on a hat
Yes, I'm trying on-- ♪

Agh!

[♪]

♪ My name is Cleveland Brown

♪ And I am proud to be

♪ Right back
In my hometown ♪

♪ With my new family

♪ There's old friends
And new friends ♪

♪ And even a bear

♪ Through good times
And bad times ♪

♪ It's true love we share ♪

♪ And so I found a place

♪ Where everyone will know

♪ My happy mustache face

♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

Stay with us, Cleveland.

The hat. Please tell me
they saved the hat.

Quickly, I need
his medical information.

What's his blood type?

I think maybe A positive?

[IN WEAK VOICE]
B negative.

Does he take any medications?
I don't think so.

What?
No meds.

I take nine pills a day.

Is he allergic
to penicillin?

Uh, I'm gonna say no.

Wait, I'm extremely
allergic to--

Sweet greens and histamines.

Help. Throat closing.

Sound like old jazz musician:

♪ Scuzza-do-bop
Diddly bop a-do whoop ♪

♪ Baaa

I can't believe a van crashed
into you at 70 miles an hour

and you only broke your thumb.

Stop changing the subject.

What's important here
is that you know

absolutely nothing about me.

Look at this. The only thing
you knew was my name.

And you spelled it wrong.

It's not C-L-E-A--?

C-L-E-V-E-L-A-N-D.

Really? Just like the city?
Yes.

Why?
Were you born there?

I was conceived during
the seventh inning stretch

of an Indians game.

Ask me anything about you.

Blood type: O positive.
Bra size: 36 B and D.

Favorite food: Cool Ranch.

Cleveland, the reason
you love me

isn't because I know every
little thing about you.

The reason you love me
is because I'm Donna.

What?
Let's be honest.

You pursued me for 25 years.

And all through those years,
you kept your eyes on the prize.

I was your prize, Cleveland.

And you won me.
Well--

You don't need me to know
your likes and dislikes,

your shoe size,

or which medications
might kill you,

I am the sun, and you're
the moon revolving around me.

Doesn't the moon revolve
around the Earth?

I'll tell you what
the moon doesn't do.

The moon doesn't question
the sun.

Stupid fathead.

Thinks he's an astronaut
or a cosmonaut, shoot.

Donna really takes me
for granted,

and it's starting
to piss me off.

Ooh, check out
the hardwood floors.

It says they're all original.

Peg and groove. Gorgeous.

You know what else is gorgeous?

Touring open houses
with no intent to buy.

But with intent to dream.

Damn straight, my friend.
No, you said it.

I mean, there I was,
needing medical attention.

She didn't know my blood type...
B negative.

...what I'm allergic to...

Penicillin
and water chestnuts, duh.

...or which medications I take.

Zyrtec, Prevacid,
Lamisil, Lunesta,

Xanax, Celebrex,
Flomax, and HGH.

And as of Thursday,
Lipitor.

Trying to get my cholesterol
down to the 300s.

Ah. Recessed shower bench.
That's where I'd live.

That is where I'd live.

ALL:
Hmm.

Huh.

Hey, Cleveland, there's
a photo of you over here.

In other words, there's
a photo of some black guy.

Possibly a dark-skinned Latino.

No.
This one is definitely you.

Hot damn, you're right.

Hey, there's more.

CLEVELAND:
Hmm. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.

Class.

I cannot take a bad picture.

You've got a stalker. I've never
seen this from the other side.

Oh, my God.

I've got a stalker.

Somebody is obsessed with me.

Take that, Donna.

Do you gentlemen
have any questions?

Yes.
What's the current owner's name

so I can rub it
in my wife's face?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not allowed
to disclose that information,

unless you're buying the house.
I see.

We'll take it.

Congratulations
on your new home.

Now, if you'll just sign
these closing papers.

Ah-ha. Patricia Donner.

The seller's name
is Patricia Donner.

We will not be buying the house
after all. Thank you.

What? Why?

We broke up.

You know, we probably could've
just Googled the address.

Google? What, are we making
up words now?

Why don't we just
fleeble flobble down

to the jim-jam, Tim?

Bad bear.

Cleveland.
I have news.

Apparently, I'm someone's
prize too.

A real live woman
by the name of Patricia Donner.

[LAUGHING]

What?
Patricia Donner?

You mean Fatty Patty
from back in high school?

I knew that name
sounded familiar.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Los back boobs.

STUDENTS:
Los back boobs.

What's she saying?

[SIGHS]

I'm completely lost.

Well, I think it's great that
you're a prize to Fatty Patty,

since everybody knows
fat girls are, oh, so choosy.

What's so funny?
Is Nurse Jackie on?

I don't have to sit here
and take this.

I'm gonna go hang out at Patty's
where I'm appreciated.

I bet you he's gonna cry.

Yup, he crying.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'm sorry.
Is your obese mother home?

Cleveland? It's me, Patty.

The hell it is.

[♪]

[CLEVELAND GRUNTS]

Fell off the porch.

Sorry if it seemed forward,

but I had to give that recessed
shower bench a test drive.

And let me say wow.

Normally I get all winded during
my showers, but not today.

[LAUGHING]

So you saw the photos
I have of you.

I swear I'm not a stalker.

Oh, sure. That's what
my last stalker said.

Then she killed herself
on our doorstep.

[LAUGHS]

I'm just kidding.
She's on the Today show now.

Stay away from me, Hoda.

[LAUGHING]
Hey, killer tat. You got ink.

I've been thinking about getting
inked up with some tats.

Ink tats, the coolest kind.

It's a hot-air balloon.

They're kind of my thing,
ever since I was a kid.

I guess because
I was overweight,

I liked the idea of being,

well, lighter than air,
you know?

Ha, God, I sound like
such a dork.

Because you like balloons?

Ha, then I guess the movie Up
is a dork. Not.

It was a very successful
motion picture.

Cleveland, seeing you takes
me back to tenth grade.

High school must have been
tough for a girl

of your circumference.

You were the only one
who was nice to me back then.

When those kids stole my bike,

you gave me a dime
so I could call for a ride home.

Ha. Remember pay phones?
Those were the days.

I mean, where would
Superman change now?

Inside a little
tiny cellular phone?

[LAUGHING]

No way. He'd have to be way
too small, wouldn't work.

[LAUGHING]

And, God,
I was so into you.

I never missed a broadcast

of that controversial
pirate radio station

you ran out of your basement.

No one gets us, you know?

Everything is
so stupid these days

with our stupid teachers
and their stupid rules,

and our stupid parents
who just don't understand.

And our stupid government

telling me what I can
and can't do with my body.

Sometimes I think we should just
blow them all away.

But first, let's take a ride
on "Electric Avenue."

♪ Oh, no, we're gonna
Rock down to ♪

♪ Electric Avenue

♪ And then we'll take it
Higher ♪

So where have you been?

Last I had heard, you left
the foreign service

and moved to Rhode Island

to work in a deli.

I owned a deli. Smell.

[SNIFFS]

Mm. You still
smell like bologna.

[LAUGHING]

Ham, ham, ham.

And then you move back
just when I'm moving away.

Why are you moving?

I want a family.

And my biological clock
is ticking like a bomb.

I call my uterus
the Hurt Locker.

Ha!
[SIGHS]

Donna is lucky she snapped up
the one great guy in Stoolbend.

I hope she appreciates
what she's got.

Yeah, right.
She appreciates me

about as much as
people appreciate

pay phones these days.

I mean, who still uses a pay--
Okay, Cleveland.

Well, then, how about some

"I appreciate you"
cranberry scones?

With a little "I don't take you
for granted" strawberry jam?

I've never heard
of these brands.

[♪]

MAN [ON TV]:
We now return

to Middle-Aged Slobs Yelling
at Each Other

About Building a Motorcycle.

What the hell are you doing
with this chopper?

I'm waiting on a tire.

When is it coming in?
I don't know.

Do I look like I work
at the tire store?

Hey, knock it off.
You knock it off.

Damn it. Zachary Quinto
needs this bike.

Oh, man, now I'll never
see them

almost not finish
the bike on time

but then finish
the bike on time.

Well, Donna,
I spent the day with my admirer.

You know,
the one we called Fatty Patty?

And I don't want you to feel
threatened or anything but--

Threatened? Please.

I think it's great
you've got somebody

worshipping you for once.

You've never had that,
have you, Cleveland?

Well, there's Junior.

But he also worships
airport security workers.

Go right on through, sir.

I don't notice anything

because I don't take
my job seriously.

Hey, why don't you invite
Fatty Patty over for dinner?

She's probably lonely.

And I know she likes dinner.

[♪]

All right, you know what?
I will invite her to dinner.

Of course you will.
You do whatever I tell you.

You didn't tell me
to pop and lock out of here.

[♪]

I just dropped everything
in the deep fryer a second time

to be sure it's
to Fatty Patty's liking.

Oh, for her you do it?

Why are you setting
up the video camera

on a tripod pointed
right at my face?

Oh, no reason.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.
[BEEPS]

Hi, Patty.
Look, Donna, it's Patty.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHING]

[HUMMING]

[♪]

You must have
a lot of good pictures

of you holding
up giant pairs of pants.

Donna,
doesn't Patty look good?

I've gotta say, I am impressed.

Well, thanks. I'd be happy
to share my secrets

whenever you decide
you're ready.

For one thing,
you might wanna stop

frying everything twice.

It's bad for you.

Hey, speaking
of getting in shape,

do you remember when you won

the President's Physical
Fitness Award?

Remember? It was only one of
the biggest events of my life.

I'm sure you remember, Donna.

Oh, yeah,
it was 1980--

'83.

I've never seen anyone do calf
raises like Cleveland.

Ah, don't make me do my calf
raises. Oh, all right.

Huh. Huh. Huh.
[LAUGHING]

Lower your calves
and sit down, fool.

[GROANS]

Wait, Cleveland, do you still
whistle competitively?

Oh, I'm a little rusty, but:

[WHISTLING OPERA]

When did you learn to--?

Hey, Patty,
just out of curiosity,

how do you spell my name?

I think I can spell
the name of the city

where you were conceived

during the seventh inning
stretch of an Indians game.

C-L-E-V-E-L-A-N-D.
Who doesn't know that?

D-A-W-N-A.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

"Whenever you decide
you're ready."

About ready to punch you
in your skinny head.

Donna.

Oh, great. You're wearing
your smug suspenders.

Yes. And let me say
dinner was delicious.

Watching you and Patty, I mean.

You are not to see
that woman ever again.

[GASPS]

Why, Donna,
you're not jealous, are you?

For how can the sun
be jealous of the moon?

How can Beyoncé be jealous

of one of Destiny's
other two children?

[CLEVELAND WHISTLING
"STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"]

[STOPS WHISTLING]

[WHISTLES]

[CROWD CHEERING]

I was whistling the anthem
for weeks after that.

Donna doesn't allow whistling
in the house.

And she doesn't want me
seeing you anymore either.

She's worried something
might happen between us.

Isn't that crazy?
I'd never cheat on her.

Suddenly I'm a seductress?

[CHUCKLES]

Here, let me get
you another drink.

Okay, but try not
to pour it seductively.

[LAUGHING]

Although,
it's not that crazy

that you and I would
be together.

And to be honest,
I have thought about us

being more than friends.

Oh, you have?

Actually, kind of a lot.

I have to confess,
I kind of have this fantasy

[VOICE GROWING DISTANT]
about soaring through the clouds on a hot-air balloon.

All of a sudden,
I'm feeling dizzy.

Making beautiful love
on each other.

[SLURS]
Hold on, did you put something in my--?

Oh, good, it was just a dream.

I'm not really accepting

an American Music Award
in my underwear, I'm just--

Tied naked to a stranger's bed.

Okay, what happened?
What happened? A note.

"Dear Cleveland."

Huh. Still has fat-girl
handwriting.

"I am so sorry
about all of this,

but I hope in time
you will forgive me."

Well, that depends.
Forgive her for what?

"Again, my biological clock
is ticking,

"and the only person

I would ever wanna have
a child with is you."

Oh, that's flattering.

"So I drugged you, undressed
you, prepared a specimen cup,

put on a rubber glove and--"

Damn, end of the page. And what?

No, she jacked me!

By which I mean
stole something from.

She stole my essence!

And here is
the spacious master suite.

Hi.

Which is perfect
for deviant sex acts.

We'll take it.
We'll take it.

[MOANING]
[SHRIEKING]

[♪]

DONNA:
You what?

Let's not blame the victim here.
She made glove to me.

And I wasn't even
awake to enjoy it.

So you had drinks with the woman
I told you never to see again,

and then she turned out to be
crazy and ended up drugging you,

stripping you, tying you up,
and stealing your "jazzmatazz"?

That's one way
to look at it.

The other way is:
Hooray, I'm gonna have a baby!

We're having a baby?

Oh, man, I'm gonna be the best
big brother ever.

I'm gonna teach him
everything I know,

and be Mama's
big boy helper, and--

Wait a minute. Is he going
to play with my toys?

He better not touch
my Lite-Brite.

I got a clown on there.

Oh, no. And what if he's cute?
Cuter than me.

I hate him!

Ah, we'll be friends
as adults

when we reconcile
at your funeral.

Anyway, you need to go find that
woman and stop her.

You're right. Donna, if you
wanted to inseminate yourself,

where would you go?

Well, I'd go
to a fertility clinic.

But that's just because I got
a fertility clinic

tattooed on my wrist.

That's it.
I know where she is.

Meet me there
after you figure it out.

[♪]

What this woman did to me

was a crime against
all men everywhere.

So we're gonna find
the hot-air balloon

where she's planning to
artificially inseminate herself,

and we're gonna get back
my spermatozoa!

ALL:
Yeah!

Well, there it is.

We will literally do anything
this guy tells us.

[♪]

She must be in one of those.

Holt, give me your 600-dollar
binoculars.

There she is. Let's go.

CLEVELAND:
Patty!

♪ I want my babies back
Babies back, babies back ♪

♪ Babies back, babies back
Babies back ♪

♪ I want my babies back

♪ Cleveland's potential kids ♪
♪ Babies back, babies back

♪ I want my babies back

♪ Cleveland's potential kids ♪
♪ Babies back

♪ Barbecue sauce

You're too late, Cleveland.

The doctor is in.

Cleveland?

Dr. Fist, you can't do this.
I haven't given my consent.

Sorry, but it's
the Hippocratic oath.

I'm required
to provide medical treatment

for anyone who gives
me cash money.

Patty, please.
You don't want that.

I have the herpatitis.

Nice try, Cleveland.

But that doesn't exist.
Oh.

DOCTOR:
Okay, Patty, I've Wet-Napped the baster.

It's as sterile
as it's gonna get.

Then go ahead, doctor.

Inseminate?

Insemi-not.

CLEVELAND:
Donna.

I dug up the old yearbook,

and saw that Patty's senior wish

was to have sex with you
in a hot-air balloon.

Ha. In a way, we're all still
who we were in high school.

Listen up, Patty. You're still
thinking like a fat girl.

You can do better
than Cleveland now.

Hurtful.
You can do better than a man

who TiVos nine different judge
shows and watches them all.

A man who thinks that turning
a sock inside out

makes it a whole new sock.

A man who puts skim milk
in his seven-sugared coffee.

I do do those things.

Oh, Donna. You do know me.

All is forgiven.

I didn't do anything wrong.

You didn't have to.

You're right, Donna.
I don't have to settle.

I guess I was so blinded

by that one nice gesture
in high school

that I didn't see
everything else.

The spare tire,
the outdated mustache,

and that bubble-throated
horn voice.

We get it!

Yuck.

Dr. Fist, hold your fire.

I'm not going through with it.

DOCTOR:
Oh, can I keep looking at your business till we land?

No.
I never get to do anything.

I guess I should
get out of Stoolbend,

see what the world has to offer.

I just hope I can find someone

who's as devoted to me
as Cleveland is to you.

Ah, you won't.
You're too crazy.

Well, I guess we won't
be needing this.

CLEVELAND:
No!

[♪]

♪ Dun-dun-dun

Ha.

[♪]

[English - US - Line 21]

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