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00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:03,904
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
2
00:00:03,904 --> 00:00:06,174
♪ And I am proud to be
3
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,573
♪ Right back in my hometown
4
00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:10,836
♪ With my new family
5
00:00:10,845 --> 00:00:13,605
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
6
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:15,454
♪ And even a bear
7
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,719
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
8
00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,648
♪ It's true love we share ♪
9
00:00:19,653 --> 00:00:21,753
♪ And so I found a place
10
00:00:21,756 --> 00:00:24,156
♪ Where everyone will know
11
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,128
♪ My happy mustached face
12
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:29,157
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
13
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:31,033
(chuckles)
14
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:37,737
Hi, I'm Slim Biggins,
owner and operator
15
00:00:37,738 --> 00:00:40,808
of the Bigg Nugget
Riverboat Casino,
16
00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:44,478
which arrives
in Stoolbend, Virginia today.
17
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:48,408
Do you like cash,
whores and extra oxygen?
18
00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:49,646
Ha! Are you human?
19
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:52,890
Then come on down to
the Bigg Nugget, where you could
20
00:00:52,887 --> 00:00:56,457
double, triple,
quadruple your money.
21
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,717
"Five-times-ify"
your money supply.
22
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:02,186
I'll see youat the Bigg Nugget,
23
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,796
where the fun is...
24
00:01:03,798 --> 00:01:06,068
explosive!
25
00:01:06,866 --> 00:01:08,896
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
26
00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:11,773
Donna, thank God
you're here!
27
00:01:11,772 --> 00:01:12,772
(groaning)
28
00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:14,813
Cleveland, what
is wrong with you?
29
00:01:14,809 --> 00:01:16,439
I've got the fever.
30
00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:17,444
Gambling fever!
31
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:19,175
And you know how
to guard against the flu,
32
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,850
they inject you
with a little bit of the flu?
33
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,519
Well, in much
the same way,
34
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,777
the only cure
for gambling fever
35
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:27,846
is a little bit
of gambling!
36
00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:29,785
Riverboat gambling!
37
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,290
Cleveland,
I've seen that ad,
38
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,462
and I do not want you
going to a casino.
39
00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:35,791
Casinos ruined my
Aunt Betty's life.
40
00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:38,296
That's 'cause Uncle Reggie
kept winning
41
00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:39,599
and winning and winning,
42
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,730
until he realized
he did not have to be married
43
00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:43,695
to a fat nag anymore,
so he left her
44
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:47,274
for a smokin' hot cocktail
waitress with perfect breasts.
45
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:51,444
Donna, what you consider
a cautionary tale,
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00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:54,275
to this listener,
promises a second chapter
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00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,851
for a life that's
had too few pleasures.
48
00:01:56,851 --> 00:01:59,821
Look, fool, if you really
have the gambling bug,
49
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:02,450
I've got just
the cure for you.
50
00:02:04,991 --> 00:02:08,231
Hmm, I know two sixes
are pretty good.
51
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:08,859
(groaning)
52
00:02:08,863 --> 00:02:11,763
Cleveland, let's say
you had two sixes.
53
00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,725
Would that be
higher or lower
54
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:15,504
than the cards
you currently have?
55
00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:19,343
Higher.
Then I'm all in. 60 cents.
56
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:20,310
A pair of sixes.
57
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,007
Ha-ha! Pair of jacks!
58
00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:23,279
Suck it!
(gasps)
59
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:24,707
It is you who will suck
60
00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:27,352
from the tit of the
Devil for lying.
61
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:29,848
Pump your brakes!
Full house!
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00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:32,350
Four dollars
and 38 cents.
63
00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:35,553
Hey, now you're
toilet paper rich.
64
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:39,386
This goes straight into
Roberta's college fund.
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00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:41,033
What do you got in there
66
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:43,998
so far--
14, 15 bucks?
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00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:47,468
$2,412.
68
00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:48,298
Damn!
69
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,432
I know where this is going.
70
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:51,566
He's going to gamble the money
away at the riverboat.
71
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:54,112
Why are we watching
this if we know what's going to happen?
72
00:02:54,108 --> 00:02:57,008
I know you're going to knock
the bong over every night,
73
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:58,541
but I still invite you over.
74
00:02:58,546 --> 00:02:59,806
You're right.
75
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,413
Whoa, dude,
we're on TV! Whoa!
76
00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:03,516
Hey!
Hi, Mom!
77
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:04,117
Yes!
Hi! Um...
78
00:03:04,118 --> 00:03:07,188
Hi, Aunt Carol! Hi!
Hey, everybody!
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00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,354
He's bluffing.
80
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:11,756
(cell phone beeps)
81
00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:16,156
Uh, Donna,
how we doing on grapes?
82
00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:18,633
We low? I'm gonna
make a grape run.
83
00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:20,302
Oh, okay.
Bye!
84
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:21,031
(door opens, shuts)
85
00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:22,665
What are you
guys doing here?
86
00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:24,340
We're going down
to the Bigg Nugget.
87
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:25,568
And you're coming with us.
88
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:28,113
Sorry, guys.
Donna doesn't want me to go.
89
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:32,438
But, we, we got you this new
plum-colored Lou Bega suit.
90
00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,076
Mm, that is sharp.
91
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,051
And plum is my color.
92
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:37,420
Come on. I'll drive.
93
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,818
We'll take Apollonia.
94
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,449
But go slow.
This is the first time
95
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:43,324
she's had four guys
inside her at once.
96
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,057
You know what? I'm in!
97
00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:47,090
Let's go!
Yeah!
98
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,064
Yee-haw!
Casey Affleck!
99
00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:51,563
(hip-hop)
100
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,725
Hey! Must be the money!
101
00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:59,436
♪ Hey! Must be the money!
102
00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:01,666
(scooter motor revving)
103
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,435
Hey, that's my camera!
104
00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:04,883
Ah, joke's on him.
105
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:07,278
It's all close-ups
of my man parts.
106
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,621
(big band music plays)
107
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:18,015
(clinking)
108
00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:25,159
(coughing)
109
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:28,065
Oh, man,
this-this bad boy even has
110
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,568
an all-you-can-eat buffet.
111
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,570
I'm going to go
see if their Sports Book's got Bumfutch.
112
00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:36,713
Our country doesn't
take care of its veterans.
113
00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:40,780
Hey, aren't you
Slim Biggins from the commercials?
114
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,551
Damn right.
Wow, you're on TV.
115
00:04:43,550 --> 00:04:45,980
Are you a pervert
like Pat O'Brien?
116
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,516
No, Mr. Brown,
I am not.
117
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:51,361
How do you know my name?
I didn't! Now, come sit
118
00:04:51,358 --> 00:04:52,818
next to Mr. Yellow
over here.
119
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,956
Can we get my friend
here a free cocktail?
120
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:59,063
Wow, sitting next
to an Asian guy
121
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,526
having a free drink...
122
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,804
I could get
used to this.
123
00:05:06,439 --> 00:05:07,409
(Cleveland chuckles)
124
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,878
Hooray!
I just keep winning.
125
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:14,047
I feel like a homeowner
before 2008!
126
00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:15,408
Lordy me!
127
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:16,876
Look at that
stack of chips.
128
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,484
Looks like somebody
just earned his way
129
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,486
into Club Nugget.
130
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,248
Club Nugget!
131
00:05:22,256 --> 00:05:24,056
Both of those
individually
132
00:05:24,058 --> 00:05:26,158
are names of
porno magazines.
133
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,890
Oui, Hustler.
And it's also
134
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:30,095
the name of this
casino's exclusive
135
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:31,957
VIP player's club.
136
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:32,755
All right, dealer.
137
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:37,496
How 'bout another blackjack
for this brown Brown?
138
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:38,444
Blackjack!
139
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:39,139
Who's your daddy?
140
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,139
CROWD:
We don't know your name!
141
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:42,441
It's Cleveland!
142
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:43,643
CROWD:
Cleveland!
143
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:45,114
(giddy laughter)
144
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:47,452
CROWD (sorrowful):
Cleveland.
145
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:48,778
(cries): Oh!
146
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,082
You had a good 12 minutes.
147
00:05:50,084 --> 00:05:51,484
I don't know what happened.
148
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:54,015
Shoot, Mr. Brown,
I was under the impression
149
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,521
that you were
a high roller,
150
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:56,992
but, clearly,
I was mistaken.
151
00:05:56,990 --> 00:06:01,090
I'm going to have to ask
you for your VIP card back.
152
00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:02,485
I am a high roller.
153
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:04,026
I'm just short of cash.
154
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,471
Would it be possible
for me to wager
155
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,527
in furs or chalices
156
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:11,795
or Elizabethan
marital aids? Sure.
157
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,505
Of these things, I have none.
158
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:16,937
Would it be possible for me
to wager a sofa cushion
159
00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:18,744
with a stripe
of human feces on it,
160
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:22,846
which has been facing down
for, oh, some months now?
161
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:23,950
No.
Damn.
162
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,981
Of these things,
I have two.
163
00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:28,486
I'll find some money.
164
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,119
(patrons screaming)
165
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,955
All-you-can-eat
my furry ass.
166
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:37,162
(roaring)
167
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,934
Money, money...
168
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,996
Junior's piggy bank.
169
00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:49,139
Mixed nuts and a pickle?
170
00:06:53,212 --> 00:06:56,622
I can't do that to Ramona.
171
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:58,647
(muffled chatter)
172
00:06:58,652 --> 00:06:59,952
What was that?
173
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:03,623
I said, does your husband
play cards?
174
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:04,364
(laughs)
175
00:07:04,358 --> 00:07:05,758
But this is
my stepdaughter's
176
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,959
college money
you're talking about.
177
00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:09,531
Or I'm thinking about.
178
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:11,730
Or whatever's going on here.
179
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:12,862
Oh, what's $2,000
180
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:13,796
gonna get her anyway?
181
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,201
Half a semester
of clown college?
182
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:17,142
Why not take a shot
at turning that
183
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,267
into money for a real education,
184
00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:22,543
like at the University
of Delaware?
185
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,276
Oh, yeah! Yes!
Yeah! Yes!
186
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:26,749
Yes! That's cool!
U.D.! U.D.!
187
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:29,377
Delaware! Delaware!
Delaware! Whoo! U.D.! That's us!
188
00:07:29,383 --> 00:07:31,823
That's us! Whoo! Oops.
(laughing)
189
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:34,419
Well, I guess
I can't keep losing.
190
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,191
Well, it's statistically
impossible.
191
00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:39,320
And they do say you're supposed
to chase your bets.
192
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:41,226
That's what
the casino owners say.
193
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:44,628
As Kevin Spacey
said to Tom Cruise,
194
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,201
"I'm all in."
195
00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:50,142
No, Dad! Stop! Wait!
196
00:07:52,705 --> 00:07:56,635
High roller Cleveland Brown,
reporting for duty.
197
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,754
Mr. Brown, 12 showing.
198
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:06,888
My plum suit!
199
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,517
My plums!
200
00:08:11,257 --> 00:08:12,917
22, bust.
201
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:16,356
Rober... Rober...
Roberta's college money!
202
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:18,003
Oh!
203
00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:33,614
(sighs) All this
204
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,254
and no one to share it with.
205
00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:36,309
WOMAN:
Mr. Biggins?
206
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:38,116
A Mr. Brown to see you.
207
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,888
Thank you, Miss Bazoombas.
208
00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:43,124
(making goofy
bazoomba sound)
209
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:46,063
Yes. Now, what can
I do for you, Mr. Brown?
210
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:49,189
May I please have my money back?
No.
211
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,896
Please?
Yes.
212
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:51,828
Really?
No.
213
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:54,602
Well, I've done
all I can do. Hold up.
214
00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:57,901
I'm going to give
you a chance to earn back your money
215
00:08:57,905 --> 00:08:58,965
by working for me.
216
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,842
You think you
could bartend?
217
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,311
Of course
I could bartend.
218
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:05,009
Mr. Biggins, you
are talking to a man
219
00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:07,452
who once sold ice
to an Eskimo.
220
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:09,077
Hey, buddy.
You guys sell ice?
221
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,182
You're an Eskimo,
aren't you?
222
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:12,324
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, I know.
223
00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:13,219
37 words for snow, whatever.
224
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,790
I'm in the middle of a party.
We ran out of ice.
225
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:17,759
Is the party in your igloo?
226
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:20,088
No, it's in my condo,
and that's offensive.
227
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,933
Seriously, can you
just sell me the ice?
228
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,629
I got, like,
12 people waiting.
229
00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:25,000
Thanks, man.
230
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,298
(giggles)
231
00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:31,865
(floorboards creaking)
232
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:33,742
Just gonna sneak in here.
233
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,170
No one will be the wiser.
234
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,176
Ow! Bitch!
235
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,977
Got to rack your weights!
236
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,609
(crashing, beating)
Ah! Ooh! Ah! Ow!
237
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:43,784
ANNOUNCER:
Spike TV's Hundred MostJarring Noises!
238
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:45,384
Number 57... (woman screams)
No! No! No!
239
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:47,485
56... (jackhammering)
Shh! Shh!
240
00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:49,047
55... (bird screeches)
Quiet! Quiet!
241
00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:50,886
54. (car alarm blaring)
Gonna wake the whole...
242
00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,791
ANNOUNCER: 53.
MEN: Ooh-a, ooh-a! Shut up! Shut up!
243
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,033
ANNOUNCER: 52.
(chimp screeching)
244
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:55,027
(turns off TV)
245
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,858
What the hell is
going on down here?
246
00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:59,703
Cleveland, where have
you been all night?
247
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:00,800
You caught me.
248
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,231
It was gonna be a surprise,
249
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:06,365
but for the next three months
I'll be, um,
250
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:09,773
taking night classes
to earn my degree
251
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:12,836
as a, a court stenographer.
252
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:13,446
What? Why?
253
00:10:13,447 --> 00:10:16,007
Because sometimes,
a man's got to earn
254
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:17,546
a little extra money
for his family
255
00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:19,951
by typing on a weird
little keyboard.
256
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:23,193
Well, look at you
putting this family first.
257
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:24,790
Working your
fingers to the bone,
258
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,191
striking things
from the record.
259
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:28,193
Having no visible
emotional reaction
260
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:30,855
to often quite
startling testimony.
261
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:34,934
Mm! My strong, silent
court stenographer, mm.
262
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:38,035
Why don't you bring
those fast fingers upstairs
263
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:40,138
and see if your
quick brown fox
264
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,840
can jump over my lazy dog?
265
00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:45,412
I find the defendant,
Donna Tubbs, sexy.
266
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:48,182
I sentence her to
three to five minutes.
267
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:52,081
Can I get extra time
for bad behavior?
268
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,985
No!
269
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:57,159
Here you go.
270
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,517
And remember,
when it comes to good drinks,
271
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:01,386
you can always
bet on Brown.
272
00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:03,995
My name's Cleveland
Brown, by the way.
273
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,927
Oh, that's funny!
274
00:11:05,932 --> 00:11:07,802
(laughs)
He's funny.
275
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:08,971
You're funny.
276
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,069
He's funny.
277
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:12,270
Uh, Cleveland,
you know Ted Lange?
278
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:14,312
He played the bartender
on The Love Boat.
279
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:17,977
Now he's playing the guy
who's taking your job.
280
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:18,908
And I'm also playing
281
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:20,912
Walter Lee Younger
from A Raisin in the Sun
282
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:23,824
at the Sarasota Playhouse
July 15 through the 29th.
283
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:24,577
Cleveland, a bunch of kids
284
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:28,024
were throwing Alka-Seltzers
to seagulls on the lido deck.
285
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:31,191
You're playing the guy
who's cleaning up the guts.
286
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:34,561
Ted Lange can't clean up the
seagull guts off the lido deck?
287
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:37,461
No. That's your job.
288
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:40,001
And when you're done,
289
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,630
clean the urine troughs
under the dealers,
290
00:11:41,635 --> 00:11:44,995
clean out the cage of the
chicken who plays tic-tac-toe.
291
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:45,965
You-you know what?
292
00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:47,612
Here's how you
remember your job.
293
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,837
If something
stinks, clean it.
294
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:52,313
Hey, boss, some bear
just voided himself
295
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:53,782
all over the buffet.
296
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:55,050
Get to it.
297
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,848
(groans)
298
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,880
(clucking)
299
00:12:01,821 --> 00:12:03,591
(electronic tone plays)
300
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,920
(squawks)
301
00:12:06,859 --> 00:12:07,929
(groaning sigh)
302
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:09,958
Roberta's college.
303
00:12:12,364 --> 00:12:13,604
Cleveland,
I'm going to need you
304
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,900
to watch last night's
Celebrity Apprentice
305
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,402
and tell me what happened.
306
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,044
That's where I draw the line.
307
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:22,839
Oh. Well, someone must
not want his paycheck.
308
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:23,813
What the...?
309
00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:26,240
27 bucks
for a week's work?
310
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,076
What are you
complaining about?
311
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,121
You're making the
same as the chicken,
312
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:31,917
and she's been
here three years.
313
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:34,188
Does the chicken
have benefits?
314
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:35,017
No.
315
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:37,091
Hmm. This country.
316
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,360
What're the odds?
317
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:39,918
Well, of course.
318
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:40,986
I lose again.
319
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:43,034
Terrific. Fantastic.
320
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:44,529
I'm having a great time.
321
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:45,301
Oh, look-- two eights.
322
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:49,128
I'll split them, 'cause that's
what you're supposed to do.
323
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:51,236
And lose twice!
324
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:52,938
Beautiful. Good.
325
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,509
Take them away. I'm out.
326
00:12:54,508 --> 00:12:55,268
Fair enough.
327
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,435
Some guys just
don't have the stones.
328
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,344
You think I don't
have the stones?
329
00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:01,846
Well, guess what--
stones are on tour.
330
00:13:01,848 --> 00:13:03,248
Next stop: this table.
331
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:04,920
Paint it blackjack.
332
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,578
He's betting his car?!
333
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,586
Why didn't I do that?
334
00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:10,518
Okay, hit me.
335
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:13,091
Hey! What the hell?
336
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,393
Oh, so sorry.
337
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,194
Let me get that.
338
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:19,725
That's the same Chinese
or Japanese or Vietnamese
339
00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:24,443
or Filipino or Korean
or guy from San Francisco
340
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:27,137
who spilled his drink on me!
341
00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:33,339
Wha...? A crooked casino?
342
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:34,576
Sorry about that.
343
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,051
Here's your
card, sir.
344
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:37,379
Oh! Oh!
345
00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:41,947
No! Not my car!
346
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:43,185
Apollonia!
347
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:45,560
(clucking)
348
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:57,170
Hey, now your
sports coupe is a chicken coop.
349
00:13:57,170 --> 00:14:00,000
ALL:
Shut up, Tim!
350
00:14:03,142 --> 00:14:06,742
Hey, Cleveland,
I was just telling the ladies
351
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:10,176
how you're four weeks away
from being a court stenographer.
352
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,183
Uh, Donna, about that.
353
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,015
There's something
I have to tell you.
354
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:16,420
I haven't been going
to night school
355
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:17,723
to be a court stenographer.
356
00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:20,534
(gasps)
Sweet peas and jujubes!
357
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,557
As a matter of fact,
358
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:23,531
I've been spending my nights
at the Big Nugget.
359
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:26,200
(gasps)
Sweet ham and braised lamb!
360
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,169
And I took Roberta's
college money,
361
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,198
and I gambled it all away.
362
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,442
And since then, I've been
working nights at the casino,
363
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:33,238
cleaning up after Tic Tac Toe,
playing chickens,
364
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,370
and slaughtering horse
after horse after horse
365
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:39,175
to make the money back, but
it's just not happening, Donna.
366
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:39,709
I'm sorry.
367
00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:43,723
Sweet grass and succotash!
Sweet beans and din...
368
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:46,317
Get ahold of yourself.
369
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:47,519
(sighs)
370
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,550
Thank you, but you
do that again
371
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,886
and I will smack
the taste out your mouth.
372
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:53,092
Not the taste!
373
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,493
You stole my daughter's
college money?!
374
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:58,325
Have you lost
your damn mind?!
375
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:01,471
I was swindled,
and they got Holt, too.
376
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:02,668
The baby man?
377
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:04,669
Yes, the dealer
had a plant.
378
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,171
And the plant
spilled a drink.
379
00:15:06,172 --> 00:15:07,642
And when he
spilled the drink,
380
00:15:07,641 --> 00:15:09,371
the dealer switched
the shoe and...
381
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,736
(grunting)
382
00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:14,245
They got you
with the old
383
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,277
Lone Star wet pants.
384
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:20,053
Used to do it all the time
when I was a dealer
385
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:23,353
in Monte Carlo back in 1962.
386
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:27,256
I had to lay low for a while,because Mrs. Kennedy
387
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,290
was starting to get suspicious.
388
00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:30,896
But it turned outto be a blessing,
389
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:34,997
because that's where I metmy first husband,
390
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:36,431
Baron Heinrich von...
391
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,236
We don't have time
for your stupid story.
392
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,069
In 1962?
393
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:42,174
How old are you?
394
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:43,565
Fat don't crack.
395
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:47,276
The point is,
you got screwed, dude.
396
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,550
I know every scam
in the book.
397
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:52,079
Then you could help
get our money back.
398
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,145
All three of you could!
399
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:56,153
How would you
inconspicuous hausfraus
400
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:59,256
like to be Cleveland's Angels?
401
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,159
I'm down.
Let's do it.
402
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:04,161
Na-na, na-na,
na, na, Lucy Liu.
403
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:07,274
My baby's going to college!
404
00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:09,067
(explosion)
405
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,499
(Charlie's Angels theme plays)
406
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:11,673
CLEVELAND:
Once upon a time,
407
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:12,671
there were three little girls
408
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:16,572
who it wouldn't killto miss a meal or two.
409
00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:21,754
And they didn't look goodin athletic clothes.
410
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:25,148
I rounded them upand now their big butts
411
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:26,681
work for me.
412
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:27,786
(groans)
413
00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:30,957
My name is Cleveland.
414
00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:35,034
Okay, all set.
415
00:16:35,294 --> 00:16:36,664
(over intercom):
Angels?
416
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:37,903
ALL:
Hi, Cleveland.
417
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:40,227
What?
We said, "Hi, Cleveland."
418
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,533
Angels? It's Cleveland.
419
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:45,435
Oh, right. Baby monitors
are only one-way.
420
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,838
We don't want
babies to hear us.
421
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:49,171
(Cleveland chuckles)
422
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,575
Can you imagine?
423
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,307
Okay, Angels,
here's the plan.
424
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:55,352
Donna, you're goingto play a sexy siren
425
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,808
who'll flirt with Slim Biggins
426
00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:59,376
to keep his attentionaway from the table.
427
00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:02,246
I happen to know he goesfor big-boned middle-aged
428
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:05,255
black women with kids.
429
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,758
Arianna and Kendra,you two will be
430
00:17:07,761 --> 00:17:08,631
a couple of high rollers
431
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:13,228
from Odessa and Corpus Christi,Texas, respectively.
432
00:17:14,366 --> 00:17:17,296
Kendra, you'll go overto the table
433
00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:18,403
and start counting cards.
434
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:22,605
Arianna, you pretend to getdrunk and wait for my signal.
435
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:26,139
You're kind of thin to be
from Corpus Christi.
436
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:29,546
Meh-- pitter-patter,
let's get at 'er.
437
00:17:38,290 --> 00:17:39,820
Here we go.
438
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:44,326
As Kevin Spacey said
to John Travolta,
439
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:46,530
"I'm all in."
440
00:17:47,266 --> 00:17:48,326
(indistinct chatter)
441
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:51,474
Before you go,
have I showed you my babies?
442
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:54,471
The left one is Rollo
and the right one is Roberta.
443
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:58,314
That's a perky
set of children.
444
00:17:58,311 --> 00:18:00,651
Oh, Slim. (giggles)
445
00:18:03,215 --> 00:18:06,315
Oh, I'm so wasted.
446
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:07,589
You drunk bitch!
447
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,847
Oh, oh, let me
dry you off.
448
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:11,916
My gambling trousers!
449
00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:13,215
Hit me...
450
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:16,456
with that four of clubs.
451
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:28,470
The four of clubs for 21.
452
00:18:28,475 --> 00:18:30,405
(applause)
453
00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:34,307
What the hell?
454
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,754
I'm sorry, Mr. Biggins,
455
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:38,348
but I think this woman
was counting cards.
456
00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:40,821
Hello, Russell.
Kendra?
457
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,590
It's been a long time.
458
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,359
You look tremendous.
459
00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:47,387
So, you're still
counting cards?
460
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:48,593
You two know
each other?
461
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,895
We was business associates.
462
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,327
Russell was
the bureau chief
463
00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:53,832
in Rome when I was all set
464
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:54,673
to star in Fellini's...
465
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,367
Kendra, we don't have
time for your stupid story.
466
00:18:57,370 --> 00:19:00,470
Oh, so the three of you
are in on this together?
467
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:01,513
And the bear.
(slurping)
468
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:04,208
And unless you want her
to tear your ass up,
469
00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:06,580
you'll let us walk out
of this place.
470
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:07,349
That's right.
471
00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:10,347
She was only
pretending to be drunk.
472
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:15,350
Cleveland, is,
is rum alcoholic?
473
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:16,885
(gasps)
474
00:19:17,689 --> 00:19:20,359
You're drunk.
She's drunk.
475
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:22,730
I'm drunk.
Anyone have any drugs?
476
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:25,329
I'm going to go find some drugs.
477
00:19:26,298 --> 00:19:30,328
Huh. Looks like you're
not going anywhere.
478
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:32,296
Not with my money
you're not.
479
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:35,605
(fingers snapping)
Miss Bazoombas. Ted Lange.
480
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:42,405
(engine revving)
481
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:44,715
(tires screeching)
482
00:19:48,987 --> 00:19:51,587
K.F. see you later.
483
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:52,891
Get in.
484
00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:57,327
Let's go, dude.
485
00:20:00,332 --> 00:20:00,832
(gunshot)
486
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:02,403
(patrons screaming)
487
00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:11,784
(action movie music)
488
00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:12,838
What are you doing?
489
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:14,775
We're not going
to clear the river.
490
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,651
We'll never make
it to the road!
491
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:20,689
Roads? Where we're going,
we don't need roads.
492
00:20:23,088 --> 00:20:25,218
Holt, you're crazy!
493
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:27,385
(laughs) Crazy like a fish.
494
00:20:37,636 --> 00:20:40,606
(crying)
495
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:42,667
Good work, Angels.
496
00:20:45,677 --> 00:20:48,977
And after all that,
Holt's car turned into a submarine,
497
00:20:48,982 --> 00:20:50,652
and we got the hell
out of there.
498
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:54,850
But the important
thing is, we got your college money back.
499
00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:57,324
Why? I'm not
going to college.
500
00:20:57,323 --> 00:20:59,763
I'm going to Hollywood!
501
00:20:59,813 --> 00:21:04,363
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