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1
00:00:01,534 --> 00:00:03,844
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
2
00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:06,138
♪ And I am proud to be
3
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,340
♪ Right back in my hometown
4
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,682
♪ With my new family
5
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:13,578
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
6
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,451
♪ And even a bear
7
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,649
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
8
00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:19,551
♪ It's true love we share ♪
9
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,693
♪ And so I found a place
10
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,859
♪ Where everyone will know
11
00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:25,818
♪ My happy mustached face
12
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:28,856
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
13
00:00:28,863 --> 00:00:30,763
(chuckles)
14
00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:35,973
Lester, I like your
stupid Kid Rock hat.
15
00:00:35,970 --> 00:00:37,170
My boy Ernie
bought it for me.
16
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:40,071
He's been pulling double
shifts at the slaughterhouse.
17
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:41,044
Ernie has a job?!
18
00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:44,912
Man, I sure wish Cleveland Jr.
showed initiative like that.
19
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:48,412
He just sits around
the house like a fat.
20
00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:49,416
Like a fat what?
21
00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:50,717
I don't know, just a fat.
22
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,148
Hey, if I wanted
to talk about kids,
23
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,693
I would've become
a pediatrician.
24
00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:55,487
Or a pedophile like
my uncle Wendell.
25
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:58,519
He was a bad man-- no point
in talking about it now.
26
00:00:58,526 --> 00:01:01,026
He also molested Jerry
O'Connell, so, you know,
27
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,198
little bit of a
connection there.
28
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:05,997
That'll be 12.50.
29
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,830
(all laughing)
30
00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:10,196
I'll put it on your "tab."
31
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:14,674
Great, we'll "pay you"
at the end of "the month."
32
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:17,805
Good, I need it
to pay "my rent."
33
00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:19,552
(laughing)
34
00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:23,077
Oh, Gus, what a crazy
bar owner you are.
35
00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:24,084
To the Stool!
36
00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:25,315
ALL:
The Stool!
37
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:26,849
Green Day!
38
00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:30,055
Hey, hey, hey!
39
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:32,517
Hey, Dad, Ernie
just got a new bike.
40
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:33,486
Can I get one, too?
41
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:34,864
It's the electric kind,
42
00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,502
so it does all the
pedaling for you.
43
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:38,927
I-It's like the
player piano of bikes.
44
00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:43,873
(sings a bright,
bouncy tune)
45
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:46,711
Hmm, is he stupid or smart?
46
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,807
I can't figure it out.
47
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,579
Maybe if you got
a job like Ernie,
48
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:52,978
you could buy that
bike for yourself.
49
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:55,010
I work for
everything I have.
50
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:58,515
Look around-- I bought
everything in here.
51
00:01:58,519 --> 00:01:59,519
Excuse me?!
52
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:00,850
You most certainly did not.
53
00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:03,155
How about the cutlery?
Nope.
54
00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:04,387
I use it.
55
00:02:04,391 --> 00:02:05,261
Oh, I definitely bought
56
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,759
that wrought iron
Golden Gate Bridge
57
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,490
that's hanging in the hallway.
58
00:02:08,496 --> 00:02:10,496
Cleveland, my uncle made that.
59
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:11,558
Uncle Leonard did?
60
00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:12,925
Damn, he ain't bad.
61
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:15,773
He couldn't do
an Eiffel Tower, could he?
62
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:16,469
Probably.
63
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,340
Let's call him!
64
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:22,569
Leonard, hey, it's
Cleveland Brown.
65
00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:24,636
Hey, it has been
a long time.
66
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,575
Listen, you still making
wrought iron representations
67
00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:29,620
of world-famous
landmarks?
68
00:02:29,617 --> 00:02:30,177
Yeah?
69
00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:32,184
You think you could make a
wrought iron Eiffel Tower
70
00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:34,116
like the one they
got in Paris, France?
71
00:02:34,121 --> 00:02:36,321
How tall we
want the tower?
72
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,863
I don't want it.
(Cleveland grumbling)
73
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,489
No, we-we-we're getting it.
74
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,294
All right, yeah,
uh, maybe not too tall,
75
00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:45,196
'cause we don't want it to
break up the flow of the room.
76
00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:47,799
But I guess we don't
want it too short, either,
77
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:50,101
'cause it is
the Eiffel Tower, after all.
78
00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:53,174
How much is this
gonna cost, anyway?
79
00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:54,144
$700?!
80
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:59,551
Hmm, I'm gonna pray on this
and I'm gonna call you back.
81
00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:00,947
$700.
82
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,248
The point is,
Cleveland Jr.,
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00:03:02,249 --> 00:03:05,849
you need a job and I'm
gonna help you find one.
84
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,923
I'll do anything
but government work.
85
00:03:07,922 --> 00:03:11,222
Well, you're too skinny
for that, anyway.
86
00:03:11,225 --> 00:03:13,355
(both laughing)
87
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:17,460
CLEVELAND:
If Lester's boy can geta job here, so can you.
88
00:03:17,464 --> 00:03:21,274
It would be so cool
to work with Ernie.
89
00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:23,698
(cows mooing)
90
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,644
Cow got out!
91
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,139
No, fellas,
that's not a cow!
92
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:29,812
Ah, no! Help!
93
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:30,980
Moo! Moo!
94
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,008
Stop mooing,
you fool!
95
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:34,983
I moo when
I get scared.
96
00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:36,322
Moo! Moo!
97
00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:38,517
(clamoring)
98
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:42,350
So you want
to be a paperboy.
99
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:45,116
No better job
for a boy your age.
100
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:47,125
When I was your age,
guess what I was.
101
00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:49,357
A paperboy?
Smart kid.
102
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,963
Chief, I just read online
103
00:03:50,965 --> 00:03:53,865
the newspaper business
is officially dead.
104
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:54,997
There's your headline.
105
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:57,202
Well, I guess I'm
out of a job.
106
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,674
Are you hiring?
107
00:03:58,672 --> 00:03:59,742
Hiring for what?
108
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:00,870
Oh, come on!
If you're not hiring,
109
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:04,184
then why am I even here,
when I could be at Kinko's
110
00:04:04,178 --> 00:04:07,648
updating my résumé?
111
00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:09,818
Moo.
112
00:04:11,851 --> 00:04:13,921
Oh, I need a drink.
113
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,751
Getting you a job has
been more annoying
114
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:19,856
than going to the bathroom
in a Chinese restaurant.
115
00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:28,104
(tiger growling,
Cleveland screaming)
116
00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:33,813
Heads up, buddy-- there's
no paper towels in there.
117
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,277
Thank you.
118
00:04:37,377 --> 00:04:38,677
( sighs )
119
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:45,048
Things out of place!
Things out of place!
120
00:04:48,755 --> 00:04:51,115
(honky-tonk piano plays)
121
00:05:01,267 --> 00:05:02,127
Here you go, sir.
122
00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:05,336
These were cluttering
the tables and my mind.
123
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:06,439
Thank you, young man.
124
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:10,210
How's about as a reward,
we do some coloring?
125
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,440
Can you believe that
something so fun
126
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,846
can be made of
paraffin wax?
127
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:17,218
Aren't crayons
remarkable?
128
00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:19,017
Whiskey on the rocks.
129
00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:22,089
That'll be three
dollars American.
130
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:24,019
You should pour
smaller drinks,
131
00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:26,934
so you can get more
out of every bottle
132
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,027
and make more money.
133
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:31,398
So you're saying by putting
less alcohol in each drink,
134
00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:33,198
I could make
more money?
135
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,700
Does every bar
know about this?
136
00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:37,103
I don't know.
137
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:40,868
Huh, this crayon says "peach,"
138
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:43,644
but it doesn't taste
like a peach.
139
00:05:44,243 --> 00:05:45,743
You're right.
140
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:48,076
It should say "wax."
141
00:05:48,082 --> 00:05:49,582
All right,
let's go home.
142
00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:53,193
Your son's a sharp little
fella, Cleveland. Really?
143
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:56,457
Hmm, Gus thinks he's smart,
144
00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:58,857
but is Gus smart?
145
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,389
He just saved me
a lot of money.
146
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:01,494
Junior, how
would you like
147
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,995
to come work for me
here at the Stool?
148
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:04,897
Well, all right!
149
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:08,398
Look at you, a working
man, thanks to me.
150
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:10,672
Now, Junior,
if you take this job,
151
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:13,971
you might see your father
do some strange things,
152
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:16,044
like swear a lot
or vomit on stuff
153
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:19,413
or dance with some ladies
that aren't your stepmom
154
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:20,953
and maybe aren't even ladies.
155
00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:24,178
Might dress up like a lady
himself to win the confidence
156
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,824
of an out-of-town
businessman,
157
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:28,149
and then swindle him
out of his inheritance.
158
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:30,815
All of this needs
to stay a secret.
159
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:33,194
Is that something
you can handle?
160
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:34,163
I suppose so.
161
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:36,191
Great, he can start tomorrow.
162
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:37,826
Drinks are on the house,
everyone.
163
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,871
I've just inherited
a large sum of money.
164
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:44,138
Go wait in the car,
Junior.
165
00:06:49,842 --> 00:06:51,312
What's your problem, sourpuss?
166
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:53,411
You haven't sent a text
all breakfast.
167
00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:55,714
Lacey Stapleton was
at the mall yesterday.
168
00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:59,076
That bougie private school ho
from around the way?
169
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,246
Mm-hmm, she got a new puppy.
170
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:03,215
Ooh, I hate her!
171
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:04,463
Who's Lacey?
172
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:05,188
Put it this way:
173
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,892
We're the Paris and
Nicole of Stoolbend.
174
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:10,295
Who?
You know, like Kim and Sheree?
175
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:13,497
Come again?
Kristin and Heidi-- hello?!
176
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,930
Oh, from Aesop's fables.
177
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:16,566
No, you idiot!
178
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,670
They're on The Hills.
179
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,072
The foothills
of Appalachia?
180
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,273
It's a show on MTV!
181
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:24,306
The channel with the
Phil Collins videos?
182
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:26,981
Ooh, your country ass
don't know anything!
183
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,050
(heavy sigh)
184
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:31,918
I need to get out
of this podunk cow town.
185
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:32,849
Cow town?!
186
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:34,353
We got a Best Buy.
187
00:07:34,354 --> 00:07:37,064
They don't put those
just anywhere.
188
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,017
Cow town.
189
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:40,455
Like a cow walks
into a store and says,
190
00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:43,801
"Moo, I need a stereo."
191
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:47,170
Mom, I'm never gonna
amount to anything
192
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,867
unless I get a puppy, too.
193
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:52,239
Now, Roberta, you don't
need to copy what Lacey does.
194
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:53,239
That's childish.
195
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,540
What you need to do is
one-up her sorry ass,
196
00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:57,982
put that bitch to shame!
197
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,078
Go on...
198
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:00,149
When I was in high school,
199
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,607
there was this girl
Courtney Bebb.
200
00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:05,245
She got a nice pair of shoes,
I got a nicer pair of shoes.
201
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:08,292
She got a fancy coat,
so I got a fancier coat.
202
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:11,418
She got a fancy car,
so you know what I did?
203
00:08:11,425 --> 00:08:12,415
You got a fancier car?
204
00:08:12,426 --> 00:08:15,156
No, couldn't afford that,
so I spread a rumor that
205
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,402
she had an abortion and
her parents sent her
206
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:18,497
to live with her aunt.
207
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:20,499
Take that, take that,
take that, take that!
208
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:23,871
There's one thing you need
to know about Tubbs women.
209
00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:26,541
We take all kinds
of (bleep) from men
210
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,910
but never from
another woman.
211
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:30,979
Hey, one of you hoes
go down to 7-11
212
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:33,308
and get me
a Diet Dr. Pepper.
213
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:35,313
Right away, sir.
214
00:08:37,216 --> 00:08:42,246
Boy, getting wasted with my
buds while my son cleans up.
215
00:08:42,256 --> 00:08:45,516
You know, that quirky
Holocaust movie was right--
216
00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:47,686
life iss beautiful.
217
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,564
Daddy, this is
gonna sound crazy
218
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:52,533
but Gus wasn't even keeping
track of your tab.
219
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:57,003
And without a tab, there's no
way to know how much you owe.
220
00:08:57,004 --> 00:09:00,144
But now there is,
thanks to your boy.
221
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,610
Which is thanks
to you, Cleveland.
222
00:09:02,609 --> 00:09:04,609
Yeah, "Thanks, Cleveland."
223
00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:06,141
He said sarcastically.
224
00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:07,646
What are you
gonna do about it?
225
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:10,518
The only thing I can do--
226
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:14,317
I'm going back to the island.
227
00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:29,496
(Tim grunting)
228
00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:34,443
Sorry, Mr. Bear, but that's
our only pair of house pants.
229
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:35,571
And with our
new dress code,
230
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:38,006
all customers are
required to wear pants.
231
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:40,381
We're trying to draw
a more upscale crowd.
232
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:42,050
Well, they're, they're
a little tight.
233
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:44,579
When I go home, it's gonna
take me a few minutes
234
00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:46,615
just to peel
my slab off my bag.
235
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:49,350
How come the football
game isn't on?
236
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:50,556
This is football.
237
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:51,557
In Europe.
238
00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:52,458
We'll get
more customers
239
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:55,329
if we appeal to an
international clientele.
240
00:09:55,329 --> 00:09:57,229
Still zero-zero!
241
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,930
(cheering, applause)
242
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:03,231
Uh, son?
One sec, Dad.
243
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:06,266
Rebecca, I need you to break
down that four top into two twos
244
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,373
and to marry the ketchups.
245
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,714
Alberto, where's my
heirloom tomato salad?
246
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:10,610
Necesito pronto.
247
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,141
¿Mira, qué estás haciendo?
248
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:13,345
Yeah, Dad?
249
00:10:13,347 --> 00:10:14,677
Son, I need to
talk to you.
250
00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:16,181
I need to talk
to you, too.
251
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:18,183
I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.
252
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:20,515
We need to free up
that table for paying customers.
253
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,720
What?!
I'm not going anywhere!
254
00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:26,694
Then our bouncer
will show you out.
255
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:27,893
Dick Clark!
256
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:30,964
(weak, raspy):
Happy New Year!
257
00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:40,540
(giggling):
Look, she's Lady Gaga...
258
00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,710
with less fleas.
259
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:45,009
Nice backpack, lesbo.
260
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:45,312
Yeah?
261
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:48,112
Well, meet what's inside
the backpack, trick.
262
00:10:48,115 --> 00:10:51,345
My adopted Malawian son
Dikembe,
263
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,421
from the village of Mutombo.
264
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:54,650
(crowd gasping)
265
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:56,145
Let me at the white women.
266
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,686
Wow, you adopted
an African baby.
267
00:10:58,692 --> 00:10:59,522
That's right.
268
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,756
Just like that old
British transvestite.
269
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:03,463
Madonna?
270
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:04,863
Yup, that's his name.
271
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:07,695
Big deal.
This kid probably has AIDS.
272
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:08,671
(all gasp)
273
00:11:08,669 --> 00:11:10,399
I don't.
274
00:11:10,404 --> 00:11:12,044
(all cheer)
275
00:11:14,106 --> 00:11:16,166
This place is dead.
No tunes.
276
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,336
And the chicks are all
the wrong kind of Asians.
277
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:21,205
Yeah, and I think
that the man over there is
278
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:24,224
really into the microfiche.
279
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:26,117
(shuddering gasps)
280
00:11:27,586 --> 00:11:28,646
(resumes shuddering gasps)
281
00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:31,955
Hmm. We need to get
the Stool back
282
00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:32,988
to the way it was.
283
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,693
I'm sorry, could
you guys keep it down?
284
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,425
I'm trying to "reek."
285
00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:39,600
(whispering):
Well, the Stool's never gonna be the same as long as...
286
00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:41,129
(loudly):
...Cleveland Junior...
287
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,444
(whispering):
...is working there.
288
00:11:43,437 --> 00:11:44,597
You're right.
289
00:11:44,604 --> 00:11:45,644
I got us into this.
290
00:11:45,639 --> 00:11:47,309
You'll get us out.
291
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:48,167
(laughs)
292
00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:50,505
Just kidding.
My show. I'll do it.
293
00:11:53,079 --> 00:11:54,379
(camera shutters clicking)
294
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,351
Hi, Roberta, I'm Lacey's mother.
295
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:59,549
And you must be the African boy.
296
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:01,193
Hello, African boy.
297
00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:04,818
I chair an organization
called Caucasian Heroes
298
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,825
Offering Dollars
Everywhere.
299
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,557
CHODE?
Ooh! Smart one.
300
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,832
I'd like you both
to be honored guests
301
00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:13,531
at my fund-raiser tomorrow
night, and tell your story.
302
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:17,603
In front of people?
Yeah. Lots of people.
303
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,104
See you tomorrow.
304
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:21,766
Could you pull my car
around, please?
305
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:22,835
I'm not a valet.
306
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:25,383
That's not what I asked.
307
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:30,617
I'm afraid I have
some bad news, Junior.
308
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,777
You may want
to sit down.
309
00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:35,686
You know, I don't think
sitting was quite right.
310
00:12:35,689 --> 00:12:39,559
How about if you crouch
like a baseball catcher?
311
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,629
Uh, I was thinking
a little less Gary Carter
312
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:45,459
and a little
more Tony Peña.
313
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,665
Wrong leg, but close enough.
314
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:50,667
Now, I received
an anonymous call.
315
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:52,640
The man threatened
to tell the police
316
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:55,409
that I have a 14-year-old
working at my bar
317
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:56,808
if I didn't fire you.
318
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:57,480
Really?
Yup.
319
00:12:57,477 --> 00:13:00,807
And then he asked me if
I thought that $700 was too much
320
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:02,884
to pay for a wrought iron
Eiffel Tower.
321
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:06,283
Then I said, "Your voice
sounds familiar. Who is this?"
322
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,116
He said, "This is
Cleveland Brown, oops."
323
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,622
And I said,
"Well, Mr. Oops,
324
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:13,294
"I don't know why this is
any of your business,
325
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,363
"but I don't want any
trouble around here,
326
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:16,532
so I'll let him go."
327
00:13:16,530 --> 00:13:18,260
I'm sorry,
Cleveland Jr.
328
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:19,825
I understand.
329
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,103
You're not going
to cry, are you?
330
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,272
No, I'm not.
331
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:26,810
For the first time in my life,
I'm not going to cry.
332
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,707
What are you gonna do?
333
00:13:39,718 --> 00:13:42,588
I'm gonna get even
with that candy-ass,
334
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:45,259
son-of-a-(bleep) bitch!
335
00:13:51,297 --> 00:13:53,257
(clacking)
336
00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,274
Hey, baby.
How was the Stool?
337
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,813
(slurring):
It... was... awesome.
338
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:06,109
It's back to the way
it used to be.
339
00:14:06,112 --> 00:14:08,112
All gross and free.
340
00:14:08,114 --> 00:14:11,154
And no more of that
bogus bogusness
341
00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:13,791
that this one did
to the place.
342
00:14:13,787 --> 00:14:16,647
Hey, Junior, why weren't
you there tonight?
343
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,916
You're not working
there anymore?
344
00:14:18,925 --> 00:14:21,225
No. I was fired.
345
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:22,588
Oh, you know why?
346
00:14:22,596 --> 00:14:27,296
'Cause you were awful
and it was a bad job you did.
347
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:29,700
You suck.
348
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,743
I'm proud of you, son.
349
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,938
You did a good job.
350
00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:37,540
You did a bad job.
351
00:14:39,245 --> 00:14:40,845
(snoring)
352
00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:43,847
(thunder cracking)
353
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,420
(snoring continues)
354
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,963
(birds chirping)
355
00:14:52,959 --> 00:14:53,929
(panting)
356
00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:56,287
Water, water, water, water.
357
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,426
(panting, gulping)
358
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,731
Water, water.
359
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,841
No more water.
360
00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:06,667
(sighs)
361
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:13,412
(mumbling)
362
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:17,280
(sinister chuckle)
363
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:18,454
♪ I'm mad ♪
364
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:19,651
♪ Get down
365
00:15:19,653 --> 00:15:22,193
♪ With my girlfriend
366
00:15:22,454 --> 00:15:24,624
♪ That ain't right ♪
367
00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:27,958
♪ Whoo
368
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:30,301
♪ Holler and cuss
369
00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:34,467
♪ You wanna fight
370
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:39,800
♪ Payback is a thing
371
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:41,866
♪ You got to see
372
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,405
♪ Hell
373
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:47,781
♪ Never do any
damn thing to me ♪
374
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,445
♪ Sold me out
375
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,694
♪ For chicken change
376
00:15:56,690 --> 00:15:57,760
♪ Yes you did
377
00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:58,617
♪ Told me they
378
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:02,225
♪ They had it all arranged
379
00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:04,761
♪ The hand-me-down
380
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:06,904
♪ And that's a fact ♪
381
00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:09,533
♪ Now you're pumped ♪
382
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:12,266
♪ You gotta get ready
383
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,712
♪ For the big payback
384
00:16:14,708 --> 00:16:16,438
♪ The big payback
385
00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,383
♪ That's where I am ♪
386
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:21,048
♪ Oh for the big payback
387
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:22,947
♪ The big payback
388
00:16:24,283 --> 00:16:26,553
(Cleveland screaming)
389
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,619
Sweet eggs and chicken legs!
390
00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:29,891
What happened to your mustache?!
391
00:16:29,889 --> 00:16:32,389
(high-pitched):
I don't know! It's just gone.
392
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,622
It's gone!
393
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:35,356
And what's wrong
with your voice?
394
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:38,732
My mustache must have
provided a natural filter!
395
00:16:38,732 --> 00:16:41,432
You've got too much face
without your mustache!
396
00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,334
I know!
397
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:43,565
That's why I wear it!
398
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:47,410
You sound and look like a
man I don't want to be with!
399
00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:49,337
Oh, rats!
400
00:16:50,542 --> 00:16:52,482
Sudden weight gain,
balance problems,
401
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:55,049
and your body has
rejected the mustache.
402
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,048
I'm afraid
you have DMA.
403
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:57,820
DMA?!
404
00:16:57,817 --> 00:17:01,087
Depilatory Mustachial Alopecia.
Heavens!
405
00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:03,017
Listen, lots of
DMA-positive men
406
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:06,023
go on to live
very full lives.
407
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:07,526
What's on your lip?
408
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,457
Uh, eyeliner.
409
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,662
Come on, Cleveland.
410
00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:12,763
You're better
than that.
411
00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:14,096
Stop it. Stop it.
412
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,030
There you go.
413
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:16,465
I'll write you
a prescription,
414
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:17,899
but until then,
here's a prosthesis.
415
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:20,574
You want the Fred Goldman
or the John Waters?
416
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,843
Hmm, I guess the Fred Goldman.
417
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:25,342
(normal pitch):
Oh, that's better.
418
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:26,175
Nice, very natural.
419
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:27,849
Now, you're going to
have to pay in cash.
420
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,577
Our insurance
machine is broken.
421
00:17:34,086 --> 00:17:36,016
(indistinct chatter)
422
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:38,822
All right, everyone, okay.
423
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:40,585
CHODE is just tickled pink
424
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,793
to have this inspiring
young lady with us.
425
00:17:42,796 --> 00:17:45,156
So, please, put your
wealthy hands together
426
00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,095
for Roberta Tubbs.
427
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,900
(applause, cheering)
428
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,032
(clears throat)
429
00:17:50,036 --> 00:17:52,036
Thank you all for coming.
430
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:56,008
So... uh... what's up?
431
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:56,769
Ms. Tubbs.
432
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,076
What measures have you taken
433
00:17:58,078 --> 00:18:00,448
to preserve your son's
tribal identity?
434
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:03,647
Uh, he... sleeps in the dirt?
435
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:06,780
I've never heard of
the village of Mutombo.
436
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,416
The village of Mawhozits?
437
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,891
(all murmuring)
438
00:18:11,557 --> 00:18:13,087
Okay, look, the thing is...
439
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:14,093
(clears throat)
440
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:16,794
I... I... I...
441
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:21,026
(Rallo faking
an African tribal song)
442
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,513
(holding note)
443
00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:34,084
My name is Dikembe.
444
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,910
I journey many mile to be here.
445
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:39,916
With the help of
a farting warthog
446
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,619
and a wisecracking meerkat,
447
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,192
I escaped my war-torn village
448
00:18:45,191 --> 00:18:48,061
to a hotel in Rwanda.
449
00:18:48,061 --> 00:18:51,031
(crowd murmuring)
450
00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:52,730
So, I say unto you
451
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,172
as my forefathers
said unto me,
452
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:56,928
"Mama-se, mama-sa, ma-ma-coo-sa!
453
00:18:56,936 --> 00:19:00,466
Coming to America
out of Africa!" Good night!
454
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,043
(cheering, applause)
455
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,771
(dog whimpers)
456
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:09,410
I can't believe
457
00:19:09,415 --> 00:19:11,915
I've got Depilatory
Mustachical Alopecia.
458
00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:15,688
Why don't you shut up or get
the hell out of my country?
459
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:16,918
Hey, fellas.
460
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:20,163
Brought you another round
from your secret stash.
461
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,560
Those is some
loose-ass caps.
462
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:23,262
I don't know, Gus.
463
00:19:23,263 --> 00:19:24,903
Normally after a few of these,
464
00:19:24,898 --> 00:19:26,828
I can tolerate
these sons of bitches.
465
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:27,803
But for some reason,
466
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,970
right now I just want
to punch them in the head.
467
00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:32,070
Do it then.
468
00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:33,201
Punch me in the...
469
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:34,036
(grunts)
My head!
470
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,210
Stay out of this,
Dinklage.
471
00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:37,739
(grunting)
472
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:39,244
What the hell
was that for?
473
00:19:39,245 --> 00:19:40,675
This is what's happening.
474
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:41,910
Deal with it.
475
00:19:41,915 --> 00:19:44,375
(all grunting, groaning)
476
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:46,951
Bravo, gentlemen.
477
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:49,793
Junior?
Wh-What are you doing here?
478
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:51,219
Dad, I did
all of this--
479
00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:54,194
the mustache,
the T-shirts-- everything.
480
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,794
I've been
teaching you a lesson.
481
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,826
What?!
And guess what?
482
00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:00,301
You're all sober.
483
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,930
(all gasp)
Wha...? That's right.
484
00:20:01,935 --> 00:20:05,635
I replaced your beer
with that nonalcoholic crap
485
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,938
George W. Bush
pretended to drink.
486
00:20:07,941 --> 00:20:09,271
But... but why?
487
00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:12,635
I wanted to get you back
for getting me fired.
488
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:14,645
Wait, you did this
all by yourself?
489
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:17,247
Well, I did have
a little help.
490
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:18,280
Dr. Fist?!
491
00:20:18,284 --> 00:20:20,994
That's right, I was in on
the scheme the whole time.
492
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:22,617
I was acting,
Cleveland.
493
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:24,662
I studied drama
at Northwestern
494
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,057
before I went
into medicine.
495
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:28,229
How was the performance?
Was I believable?
496
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:30,358
You were very good.
Very natural.
497
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:32,703
But you are my doctor.
498
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:33,999
Right. But I was acting
499
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,800
like a different doctor.
500
00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:38,142
Of the same name.
Exactly.
501
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:40,337
I'm proud of you, son.
502
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:41,970
Maybe he is smart.
503
00:20:41,975 --> 00:20:45,235
It was stupid of himto tell me, though.
504
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:47,305
(sinister laugh)
505
00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:50,283
I'm glad you're all made up
and everything,
506
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:52,683
but can someone get me
to a hospital?
507
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:55,645
Well, as a doctor,
I prescribe a round of shots.
508
00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:58,315
Nobody's afraid of shots
around here, are they?
509
00:20:58,324 --> 00:21:00,664
(all laugh)
510
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,933
(high-pitched):
Oh, gosh darn it!
511
00:21:03,983 --> 00:21:08,533
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