All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine.Nine.S03E09

My fellow detectives,
ours is not an easy job.

The hours are long.

The danger is constant.

The pay is LOL.

But today, a glimmer of hope.

For today... a new
vending machine.

Behold him in all of his glory.

So full of strength and promise,
and most importantly,

sodium, gluten, and fat.

- Whoo!
- The time has finally come

to christen the machine.

- Boyle, the champagne?
- Oh, well, technically

it's a Hungarian Pezsgo
from the Tarnok Valley.

For once in your life,
don't ruin it.

Give him the bottle.

Thank you.

I hereby christen
thee Snacky Chan!

Whoa!

Okay, well, at least it
was just the keypad.

None of the snacks
got messed up.

Whoa!

- Go!
- Oh, right!

Okay, okay.

No!

It should've been me.
It should've been me!

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

♪ ♪

Our perp's name is Karl Ove.

My CI said he's selling
counterfeit caviar

out of a blue stall.

This place smells
like a squid farted

inside a whale's butt.

Yes, that is the exact combo
of smells.

Nicely done.

Hey, next week is my six-month
anniversary with Amy.

Should I do something special?

You know what I like about
our relationship, Jake?

We don't talk about
our love lives,

or our families, or anything
that's on our minds.

It's why you're
my closest friend in the world.

Yeah, I know,
but I need help on this.

I asked Boyle
and he was useless.

Put a baby in her, Jake.

What are you waiting for?

So do that then.
Problem solved.

Look, it's our guy.

Excuse me, sir,
we're with the NYPD.

I just need to ask
you a couple of...

Oh, shrimp!

I hate that!

♪ ♪

You're under arrest, punk.

Nobody gets away
from Jake Per... ew!

Something yucky touched me!

Ugh, gross, gross, gross!

Hang on.
What's that?

What have we here?

What?

I have no idea
what you're saying.

Just as I suspected immediately.

It's a flawless 39-carat diamond

that was stolen six weeks ago

from the Royal Stockholm Museum.

I've just received word
from Interpol

that two detectives
are on their way from Sweden

to pick up the suspect.

Please make them feel welcome.

Welcome?

We're gonna roll out
the fricking red carpet.

Working a jewel heist
with Interpol?

This is the best thing
that's ever happened to me!

- Second best.
- Aww.

First best.

I was lying to Amy.

Do you guys know anyone
who wants some used textbooks?

I'd love them.

It's never too late to teach
yourself something new...

So no one.

Great.

Why are you throwing those out?

Because I'm never gonna
pass this astronomy final,

so I won't graduate,
so my life is ruined.

Or we could help you study.

I did graduate
magna cum laude from Syracuse.

I know that sounds like a brag.

And it was!

Terry killed it in college.

Plus, I know a thing
or two about astronomy.

I had 11 straight birthdays
at the planetarium.

That was also a brag.

My God, you guys are
such pathetic nerds.

But maybe that's what I need
right now, pathetic nerds.

Okay.

You pathetic nerds can help me.

Thank you?

You are so welcome.

Peralta, Diaz.

This is Inspector Knausgaard
and Deputy Inspector Carlsson.

Their flight here
was eight hours.

It's been a pleasure
talking with you

about the duration
of your flight.

Good day.

Well, there goes
my opening question

about how long your flight was.

It was eight hours.

Yeah, no, I got that.

I was joking, sorry.

It must have got lost
in translation.

No, we understand you perfectly.

Everyone in Sweden
speaks English.

We also speak Norwegian,
Dutch, German,

French, Russian, and Finnish.

But not Danish.

That is a garbage language
for garbage people.

- Yeah.
- Oh, word up.

Well, I have almost
memorized "Gangnam Style"

phonetically, so samesies.

I don't know this word.
"Samesies"?

From context, I believe it
means "proudly uneducated."

- Ah.
- So...

- No.
- Where's our prisoner?

Being processed.

But, in the meantime,

may I offer you some
of the finest cuisine

in Brooklyn from
my favorite restaurant?

The food cart outside
the precinct.

It's really good.

Hm, none for Soren.

He's allergic to lactose,
gluten, and tomato ketchup.

- Oh.
- Also, none for Agneta.

She and her husband are trying
to have another baby,

so she can't eat anything
that will alter her cervical pH.

Oh.

You guys are real close, huh?

In Sweden, we believe
for a proper team to function,

partners must be completely open
with each other.

Yeah.
We have no secrets.

Not even our bodies.

We sauna together all the time.

Yeah, well,
we are also very close.

One time, Rosa saw me
in my bathing suit.

No, I didn't, you told
me to turn around.

- Yeah.
- Well, uh, since we cannot eat

your disgusting street food,

could you please check if
our prisoner has been processed?

Yeah, we don't mean
to offend, it's just

this place is filthy and you
both seem unprofessional.

Unprofessional?

Well, we were going
to take you to our favorite

laser tag place, but now,
you're officially uninvited.

Rosa.

Ah, Boyle. Just the man
we were looking for.

Kevin has accepted
a fellowship to teach

at the Sorbonne
for the next six months.

Oh, I love Paris.

At least how it's represented
in the movie "Ratatouille."

- Uh...
- The rodent chef.

Ah, yes.
Farfetched.

Anyway, Kevin and I belong

to the Park Slope Racquet Club,
where we've established

a squash doubles dynasty.

We've taken home the trophy
two years in a row.

Unfortunately, I'll be flying
to Paris this year

during the tournament.

It's a seven-hour flight.

I remember you told me
you played in college.

Three-time intramural
champion at Sarah Lawrence.

Would have been four,
but senior year I played Greaseball

in our school's production
of "Starlight Express."

Interesting casting.

In any case, I would be honored
if you would take my place

so that Raymond
could make it a treble.

Absolutely!
I would love to do that!

- Great.
- Formidable.

Yup!

That is great.
This is great.

- This is terrible.
- Why?

You always said you wanted
more face time with Holt.

No, not like this.

Squash brings out
my competitive side.

Breaking racquets, cursing,
excessive mooning.

One time, just to
psych a guy out,

I locked eyes with him
and ate a squash ball.

That's not possible.

It's still in me, Terry.

Look, the point is to have fun.

So just relax and have fun.

Right, right, right, yeah.

It's just a game.

It's fun.

There's no need for Holt
to see me unleash the beast.

Okay.

That's a strange little man.

Probably telling Captain Holt
how much they like

- to sauna together.
- Please.

They think they're so great
just 'cause

they know
each other's allergies.

You know what I'm allergic to?

- Yup. Them.
- Totally.

And also bees.
You should know that.

If I got stung by a bee,
I could die.

Detectives, I've been talking
with the inspectors.

There's been a development
in the Kottbullediamant case.

Excellent pronunciation,
Captain.

Tack. They believe our perp
may have smuggled more

stolen Swedish diamonds
into Brooklyn.

Oh, well, thank you for the tip.

Have a wonderful flight home.

We will send you the jewels
as soon as we find them.

They're staying and working
the case with you.

Ah, fantastic.

Rosa, could you please fill
my car with a million bees?

Okay, since the Swedes
are rudely late,

let's talk anniversary gift.

Should I get Amy something
caszh like shot glasses,

or something less caszh,
like golden shot glasses?

Still don't care.
How about I get a jump

on our new partners
and search the perp's apartment?

Right. We'll get some
clues, solve the case,

make them look like fools.

They can eat our American dust.

No, no.

Soren is probably
allergic to dust.

Oh, hello!

Yes, I am allergic to dust.

Everyone is.

That's what sneezes are.

You're what sneezes are.

Okay.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, in Sweden,
we call it police work.

Perhaps you don't
have a word for it?

- I hate you.
- This is our case.

You can't work it without us.

Get your weird,
hairless fingers off of it.

Soren shaves his fingers
for cycling.

It cuts down on drag.

Agneta is my biggest fanatic.

Just as I am a fanatic
of her slam poetry.

- Would you like to hear some?
- Would I like to?

- I would hate to!
- Your loss.

Well, we've already searched
the entire apartment.

Yeah, well,
now we're gonna search it,

and find things you all missed,
like this!

Your own keys?

Damn straight.

Bag 'em, Diaz.

Astronomy is full
of interesting facts.

For instance, here's one that

Hollywood doesn't
want you to know.

A parsec is actually
a measure of distance.

One of the many inaccuracies
in the "Star Wars" universe.

Uh-huh.
And what's "Star Wars"?

Oh, boy.

Maybe I'm getting ahead
of myself.

Okay, let's talk planets.

Jupiter is a gas giant.

So is Hitchcock.

How does this help me?

It also has 67 moons.

I came up with a fun mnemonic
device to remember them all.

It goes, "Every
Individual Gets Crayons

"After Telling His Aggressive

"Little Mongoose Painter
Called Ernest

"Some Lies About
Tiny Panda Heads... period...

"Maybe One Kid Could Take
Her Elephant

Into California, Except..."

Where's Gina?

She told me you called me
a gas giant.

Well, now you
and I will never hook up.

Uh-oh.
What's this?

A little piece of evidence
that evaded

your bald little hands.

A shipping manifest
that was shoved

into the back of a drawer.

Our perp transferred a container

to a shipyard in Bay Ridge
on October 11th.

That arrived over a month ago,

I doubt you'll find
anything in it.

Please, you're just pissed

we cracked the case wide open
and you've got nada.

That's right, I speak Spanish.

Actually, we've got
much more than nada.

Damn it, he speaks Spanish too.

Agneta found an invitation
to a party tonight

at the home of...

Alvar Gustavsson.

The hot blond guy
from "True Blood"?

No, the Swedish millionaire
with ties to organized crime.

- Alvar Gustavsson.
- Yeah.

Oh, that...
Alvar Gooz-hev-vren.

Well, you're welcome to
pursue that dead-end lead

while we got to the shipping
container and find the jewels.

And maybe to celebrate,
Rosa will wear them

to your dumbass party.

No, they're priceless,
please do not do that.

Yeah, obviously we wouldn't.

We were just being jerks.

See you later, jerks.

- Okay.
- Bye, Jake. Bye, Rosie.

Whoo!
You ready, Boyle?

- Psyched up?
- No, why?

Do I seem psyched?

'Cause I'm definitely not.

I just want to have fun.

And to win.

Hey, if we all have fun
and don't throw any racquets

and don't eat squash balls,
then we're all winners.

- What?
- Nothing. I'll serve.

♪ ♪

- Out.
- What?

Are you out of your mind?

That was... fun.

That was a fun call.

You're a real fun guy, fun guy.

This is fun!
This is fun!

Gina!

I know astronomy can seem
a little daunting and scientific,

but I have a friend who I think

can make it pretty interesting.

Who dis?

Hi, Gina,
I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson.

And I care, why?

Director of
the Hayden Planetarium.

One of the world's
leading astrophysicists.

And he's doing me a huge favor.

And how do you know
Terrance, Space Tie?

We're gym buddies.

Damn, Neil deGrasse Tyson!

How are you doing that?

It's physics, Terry.

It's physics.

Gina, look.

Give me two hours.

You'll not only pass your exam,

you'll gain a deeper
appreciation of the universe

through which we journey
on this spaceship Earth.

Spaceship Earth?
Way to go.

You just made Earth lame,
and that is my house.

Gina, why did you want
to take astronomy?

Because I thought
it would be cool,

just me, sitting around
naming moons left and right,

like "Zorp," "Bong," "Dingo."

"Etcetera," that would
be one of the names.

"Etcetera."

She's gonna fail, isn't she?

- Big time.
- Yeah.

According to
the shipping company,

the container that came in
on October 11th is 34G1.

Cool.

Hey, what did you and Marcus do

for your six-month anniversary?

Keeping in mind, that he's
dreamy and romantic

and I only own $50.

- Marcus and I broke up.
- What? When?

- A month ago.
- A month ago?

How do I not know about this?

Because we don't
talk about that crap.

We're not lame like the Swedes.

Right.

Yeah, totally.

If Agneta broke up with her
husband, she'd probably be all,

"Oh, Soren,
I am so heartbroken,"

and he'd be like,

"What can I do to help?
I'm sorry,"

and give her a big old hug
and she'd be all

feeling better like an idiot.

We don't need to do that

because what we do together
is solve crimes.

You know it.

For example...

34G1.

Boom.

We are about to uncover
a butt-load of diamonds.

Exactly.

It's fish!
It's fish, Rosa!

Ugh.

Swedes.

Oh, hello, Jake.

You missed quite a party.

The blond man from
"True Blood" was there.

- Very cool guy.
- So cool.

Yeah, that's cool.
Hey, this is weird

because I hate you guys,
but can I ask you a question?

If you broke up
with your husband,

would you tell Soren about it?

Are you making a funny
laugh joke right now?

I would insist
he be there for it

so that my husband would
have a shoulder to cry on.

Yeah, several years ago,
Agneta and Lars

were having trouble conceiving.

She didn't even have to ask me
to donate my sperm.

I had it already in
a "Tooperware," ready to go.

Wow, that's...
so gross, yeah.

Can we ask you a question?

- Mm-hm.
- Why do you smell like fish?

Is it hygiene?

No, we spent the night
cutting open

hundreds of dogfish to see
if they had diamonds inside.

- Did they?
- Wouldn't you like to know?

Yeah. It would be pertinent
to the case.

They didn't.

Although, one did have
a battery in it.

What kind of a sicko feeds
a battery to a fish?

Well, while you
were wasting your time,

we set up a meeting
on 14 November

with the man we think
is the buyer.

- Um...
- No, don't worry, Soren.

I rescheduled your cycling
practice for 16 November,

and your dentist
for 19 November.

You know me so well.

Ugh.
Those guys suck.

They're so into each other,
they're probably

gonna start holding hands.

Oh, they're actually
holding hands.

Yeah, they are awful, for sure.

All tall and beautiful,
and you don't

want to know what they've got
in their "Tooperware."

But honestly,
I don't know that it's

that bad that they're close.

- Wrong, it's the worst.
- Okay.

Oh, my God, I just figured out
where the diamonds are.

We thought the shipping
container came in

on October 11th,
10/11, but dumb Europeans

write their dates backwards.

We should've been going through
the one from 10 November.

Of course!

Stupid rest of the world,
writing their date all dumb.

- Yeah. Let's go.
- Okay.

Boyle.

Is everything okay, you know,
with your brain?

Yeah.
I'm great.

I'm having a lot of fun.

Yes, I've heard you
say that 162 times.

You do realize, that if
we lose this next match,

we're out of the tournament?

Yes, but the important thing
is we had a good time.

No! The important thing
is that we win the trophy.

Because I promised Kevin
before he left

for Paris that we would do that.

Do you know why
I chose you as my partner?

Because I'm the most
athletic person you know?

No, because of an article I read

in the "Sarah Lawrence Phoenix"

about a young man they called
"squash's unhinged lunatic."

I don't know what
you're talking about.

According to that article,
that lunatic was 27-0.

I need him on my team.

I need you to unleash the beast.

♪ Take a ride on the wild side ♪

Whoo!

You butternuts ready
to get squashed?

"Huh? What? Duh?"

That's you guys
while I smoke your butts,

because Ray-Ray and the Beast
don't even give a what.

We don't give a what.

Unh-uh.
Whoo!

Let's do this.

♪ ♪

Boo-ya-kah, suckers!

♪ Wild side ♪

- Yeah!
- Ohh!

What?

You kidding me?
Are you kidding me?

Yes!

- Whoo!
- Ow!

Way to go!
That's it, baby!

Gina, great news.

Oh, no.
Is Neil deGrasse Tyson here?

He will not stop trying
to friend me.

No, but we think
we figured out how

you're gonna pass your test.

Yeah, we realized
that we were trying to get you

to learn using our methods.

We should've been speaking
your language.

The language of...

Dance!

13.8 billion years ago,
there was nothing.

And then the big bang!

Yes!

Now, Amy,
back up till you feel the wall.

And, Terry, ditch the shirt.

I'm ready to learn.

♪ ♪

And that's how you calculate
parallax distance.

So you ready for the test?

Oh, I took it this morning.

I passed.

What?

It was nice how much
you guys cared,

so I actually opened up
my textbook for the first time.

Ya'll, astronomy is
kind of interesting.

And I am hella smart.

Then why'd you make us
do that whole dance?

Two reasons:

Uno and dos.

I get that.

One-two, one-two,
one-two, one-two.

Ha-ha!

I guess we are the better team.

Why do people like these things?

They're just shiny rocks.

Yeah, totally.

You should be happier.

We found the jewels, we won.

Yeah, you're right.

We should celebrate.

Why don't we go to a bar
and drink in silence?

Cool.
Sounds good.

No, I was being a bitch.

How did you not pick up on that?

What is your problem, man?

Is this about your stupid
anniversary present?

Yeah, that, and you
not telling me about Marcus.

We're supposed to be friends.

You sound like Soren or Agneta,
whichever the boy one is.

Well, say what
you want about them,

but at least they communicate,
you know?

I've never even heard
your slam poetry, Rosa.

Why do you
all of a sudden care about

every single little detail
of my life?

Because all we talk about
is cop stuff.

All right, and that was fine
when we were 20

because that's all
I cared about.

But we're adults now
and there are other things,

like me and Amy
and you and Marcus,

that friends are
supposed to talk about.

Well, I guess
we're not friends then.

Wow.

All right, I guess we're not.

Oh, uh-oh.

- We're moving.
- Oh, really?

Thank you for sharing that intimate
detail about your life.

- Jake.
- I know, we're screwed.

I was being a bitch again!

All right, I called for backup.

I also texted all of my friends.

You'll notice your phone
didn't buzz.

I think we're in Red Hook.

- We're not on the BQE anymore.
- Nice try, Rosa.

Don't try to kiss up
to me by mentioning

my third-favorite
New York expressway.

Shut up!

We pulled into a parking lot.

Things are about to go down.

Backup won't make it here
in time.

It's just me and you.

I heard two voices in the truck.

There'll be more
if there's a meet-up.

- Go word is "Glurg."
- Copy that.

♪ ♪

Flergen!

Come on, is that you?

I haven't seen you
since Blorgenbergen, man!

Who the hell are you?

Give me a hand, you old dummy.

It's me, Glurg.

NYPD!
Drop it!

Drop it, you're under arrest.

I hope they have saunas
in Swedish prison.

They do, actually.

- They're quite nice.
- Oh.

Kevin, there's something
we'd like to show you.

Ta-da!

Ah, magnifique.
The treble is ours.

I look forward to getting
number four next year.

Actually,
we've been banned for life

from all future tournaments.

Oh, no.
What happened?

My fault, Kevin.

I snapped the second-place
trophy over my knee

and threw it in a urinal.

- Oh, my.
- Yeah.

But the important
thing is, we had fun.

Yeah.

So we'll be taking the jewels
back to Sweden tomorrow.

Yeah. Guess you were
wrong about us, huh?

Bet you feel pretty stupid.

Actually, when you're wrong,

that means you've
learned something.

And any opportunity
for learning is good.

Ugh.
You are the absolute worst.

I hope you die in a fjord.

No, no, we are
trying to say we are happy

- to have worked with you.
- Yeah, I know.

That is an infuriating attitude.

Yeah, I second the fjord thing.

Bye, Jake.
Bye, Rosie.

It's just how they walk around,
I guess.

Get your hands
off each other, weirdos.

God.

Well...

Nice job today.

I guess we didn't have
to know each other

to have each other's backs.

So drink in silence?

This sucks.

We solved the case and told
the Swedes how to die.

I should be happy,
but I can tell you're bummed,

and that's not cool
'cause we are friends.

- Really?
- Yes.

And I thought of what
you should do

with Amy for your anniversary.

Oh, thank God.

I got her a boogie board.

It has an iguana
playing electric guitar on it.

She's gonna hate it.

New York Public Library
lets VIPs stay there overnight.

Ooh, that's perfect.

But wait, how do I become
a library VIP?

I forgot to return "Superfudge"
in the fourth grade,

and I've been scared
to go back ever since.

Don't worry about it.
I can hook you up.

My new boyfriend works there.

You shared!

What's his name?
No, wait.

- I don't want to push too hard.
- No, it's cool.

I want to tell you his name.

Oh, okay, just gonna
take a quick drink break.

Here comes the name.

Nope.
Uno mas.

All righty.

Good Lord.

Putting them away.

I have to imagine these belong
to someone else.

It's fine.

Yeah.

- It's Tom.
- I love it!

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu