All language subtitles for Brooklyn NineNine S02E09

So that's 20 cargo ships
in the last three months.

Whoever's
behind this smuggling ring

knows their way
around the docks,

so we're going undercover
as longshoremen.

I will be Vaughn Tom Tucker,

a gruff, spitting,
punch-you-in-the-gut sailor man

who's taking a little break
on dry land,

but just until my girlfriend,
Cangela, gets out of lady jail.

Ah.

Did you just spit
in my trash can?

No, Vaughn did.

There's some tobacco
in there too.

Vaughn chews it,
but it makes Jake super dizzy.

And I'm Twink Tucker.

You cannot choose
your own name anymore.

I got a job at the docks
to support my drug habit,

but I kept it...

Because I love the seagulls.

What, are you Irish now? No.
Mm-hmm.

Well, we better get going,
Captain.

Don't want to be late
for our shift down at the docks.

Good news.

The leader
of the cargo smuggling ring

turned himself in
at the eight-three.

The mafia was closing in on him.

Oh.

Oh.
That's great.

It's good news.
Yeah.

Case closed.

I guess we'll just
return these outfits.

Great.
Take this back.

You have ten minutes.

Coffee, extra black, extra
no sugar, and real warm.

It gets cold on them docks.

And one earl
grey tea for me, Twink Tucker.

No, you ruined it.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

Morning, detectives.

Let's go over
the prisoner transfer upstate.

Perp's name is Jesse Hermick.

We arrested him for nine counts
of armed robbery,

but he skipped bail.

He was just picked up
in Neustadter, New York,

trying to pay for a hoagie
with a gun.

The sheriff is making us
pick him up tomorrow morning

at 6:30 A.M., so
we're going up today

and spending the night.

Here are the transfer forms.
Please don't...

Get any Jake on them?

I'll put them
in a sealed baggie.

Good call.

All the drinks I'm bringing
are blue.

Naturally.

Call me if you need anything.

Yes, sir, will do.

Oh, hey, I hope
this is cool with you,

but since we're not technically
on duty till tomorrow morning,

I invited Sophia
to join me upstate.

The B&B we're staying at
looks really nice.

It's almost like
it's haunted by fancy ghosts.

I don't mind at all.

It's actually really cute
of you.

Teddy's never done anything
that spontaneous or romantic.

That's not fair.

He did brew me
a rose-infused pilsner once.

But it tasted like hand lotion,
and the bubbles didn't happen.

Sounds bad.
Okay.

I'll see you in the car.

Okay, see you in a sec.

Hi, can I speak with
Detective Teddy Wells please?

You can just tell him
it's cupid calling.

Wait, no, that's insane.

Tell him it's Detective Peralta
from the nine-nine.

Hello, Boyle.

After you're done here,
meet me in my office.

I have something
I need to ask you.

It's food-related.

I will bring my "a" game.

Oh, my God, Gina.

Captain Holt just asked me
into his office

for a food-related question.

Yes, I heard.

And that's how I know
I don't care.

I've wanted to build a rapport
with him

since he got here,
but until now,

all we've had in common
was our bank.

Guess who.

NYPD!
Hands up!

This is great.

I had no idea Captain Holt
was interested in food.

I have zero interest in food.

If it were feasible,
my diet would consist entirely

of flavorless beige smoothies

containing all the nutrients
required by the human animal.

So our bank got
some new ATMs, huh?

I wouldn't know.
I've switched banks.

Oh, no.
Anyway...

Tomorrow's my anniversary
with Kevin.

I'd like to cook him
an impressive breakfast.

Could you help orient me
with that process?

I'd be honored.

Preparing food for one's lover

is the most intimate gift
of all.

Aside from washing their hair.

Okay.

I have a perp
in the interrogation room.

I need all the files...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's going on, Diaz?

Are you sick?
Do you have cholera?

Is it typhoid?

Are you a vampire?

My horoscope said to wear a
cowl-neck today, and I laughed.

I'm fine.

Diazes don't get sick.

This is allergies.

No, that's what killed
the dinosaurs.

You need to go home.

Can't.
My drug task force needs a win.

That perp in there has the name
of a giggle pig supplier.

I leave when I get a name.

At least let me buy you
some matzo ball soup.

It's very soothing.

You know what?

I'm gonna go to the deli anyway.

Terry loves kreplach.

Hi, Sophia.

Hey.

There you are.

Hey, hey.

Mwah.

So I already checked us in,

and I hope you don't mind,
but I got us

"the room of a thousand dolls."

Oh, sounds creepy.

Super creepy.

So I'm gonna go unpack, and
then I'm gonna take a bath,

and then we have dinner,
and then...

Doin' it.

I was gonna say "dessert."

Oh. Synonym.
Cool. Better.

Hey, Amy.
I'll see you later.

Okay, see you later.

Oh, hey, before I forget,

try to be in the lobby
in about a half an hour.

I got you a little surprise.

No.

Your surprises
are always terrible.

What's going on?
You have to tell me.

You're gonna love this.

Remember how you said that Teddy
would never be so romantic

as to turn a work trip upstate

into a lover's retreat
to the country?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

I called him before we left.

He's on his way here now.

Uh, you're welcome.

Jake, I don't want to
see Teddy right now.

I'm about to break up with him.

Oh,

nooo...

Jake, why did you invite
Teddy up here?

You poured blue soda
all over my life.

I know.
I'm sorry, all right?

I was just trying to help.

Two maple-tinis.

Look at that.

Is that real syrup?

Right. Sorry.

Disaster at hand.

Look, what happened
with you guys?

I thought you were solid.

Didn't you just get
a joint library card?

Don't remind me.

I'm gonna be untangling that web

for a month.
Okay.

There's just no spark
between us anymore.

We have different interests.

All he wants to do
with his free time

is make and bottle pilsners.

Yeah, that guy
is obsessed with yeast.

It's all we talk about.

Jake, this is gonna be
a disaster.

This is fine, all right?
I'll figure it out.

I'm just gonna call Teddy,

tell him to turn around
and go home.

No.
He's a really good Detective.

He'll figure out
something's wrong.

I had an airtight
breakup plan in place.

I made a reservation
next thursday

at a well-lit Korean restaurant
in midtown.

It's the least romantic place
I could think of.

Scully's bathroom.
But go on.

Teddy's a really good guy.

I don't want to say
the wrong thing

and hurt him
more than I have to.

That's why I started
writing out a breakup speech,

but now he's on his way,

and I'm only halfway
through the outline.

All right, look,
this is totally my fault,

so I promise, I'll do
everything I can to help.

Tonight, I will focus solely
on you and Teddy.

And my very naked girlfriend.

Wow.

Sophia does not care
about the cloud at all.

I'm gonna just head up there
for a sec.

Hey.

What did you do to that perp?

I heard he's claiming
police brutality.

He's an idiot.
I didn't touch him.

I just coughed on him a little.

Just let me help you.

I'll get your perp to talk.

I can be very persuasive.

I just negotiated my baby girls
down from a pony to a hamster.

Little fools.

I don't need your help,
because I am not sick.

Gina,
where is the cold medicine?

I hate to point out
the obvi-o-so,

but why do you need the meds
if you're not sick, hmm?

To fight off the cold symptoms

that my healthy body
is exhibiting.

I'm going back in there
once this crap dries my head up.

Demon.

Okay, if Diaz
won't accept our help,

we got to go behind her back.

We definitely should go
behind her back.

That's the opposite side

of where the germs
are coming from.

Knock-knock.
Man, I...

Oh, dolls! Dolls!

Too many dolls!

I know.

I thought it would be funny,
but it's just really scary.

One of them watched me bathe.

Yeah, we should definitely
turn them around.

Yeah.

Oh, no, they have their names
written on the back.

I'm Meredith.

Will you be my mother?

Oh, God.

Oh, okay, look.

The dolls are gross, but I
think once we bury them,

this place could be
kind of romantic.

Yeah, totally.
Yeah.

But you know what would be
even more romantic

is hanging out, fully clothed,

with two other people
who have fallen out of love.

What did you do?

All right, don't be mad.

I invited Teddy up
to surprise Amy,

but it turns out
she wants to break up with him.

And now I promised her
that I would run interference,

and I feel like I let you and
all of our demon children down.

Oh, it's okay.

You were just trying
to do something

really nice for a friend,
and it blew up in your face

rather spectacularly.

Everything I do is spectacular.
It's a curse.

Thank you
for being understanding.

Yeah, well, for the record:

Very cool girlfriend.
The coolest.

Hey, and Teddy doesn't get here
for another 30 minutes.

Till then...

Let's make out?
Great plan.

Ah.

Eh.

In the closet
where they can't watch us?

Yep. Smart.

Puppets!

Oh, there's so many puppets
in there.

Now, the first step
in learning how to cook

is learning how to taste.

So close your eyes
and open your mouth.

This isn't burning man, Boyle.

Tell me what I'm eating.

Fine.
It's a sharp Vermont Cabot.

Now describe what you taste.

Cheese.

And...

Cheese.

Okay.
That's good.

But try being more descriptive.

I know you love peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches.

Why?

Their components
have a long shelf life,

they're cost-effective,
and they're so simple,

a child could make them.

Okay, I was looking for more
of an emotional connection.

For example, my favorite meal

is a simple roast chicken
and potatoes.

It was the only dish
my mother knew how to cook,

and when I eat it,
I feel as though

I am once again inside her womb.

What's your story behind a PB&J?

I want a sandwich.

I make a sandwich.

I eat the sandwich.

Come on, Claire!

I thought you came to play.

Yikes.
Where's Teddy?

He's in the shower.

I said hi to him,
we chatted for, like,

a minute, and I almost blew it.

Oh, I'm sure
you're overstating that.

He said he was really
looking forward

to a romantic evening, and I
panicked and yelled "l-o-l."

Oh.

Oh.

I'm gonna be weird,
he's gonna ask why,

we're gonna break up,
and it's gonna be super messy.

Just calm down.

We're gonna get you
through this, okay?

Here's the plan.

The four of us will
dine together

and keep things
super unromantic.

I'm great at that.
Yeah, he is.

Whoo!

Wait, should we have
high-fived that?

I don't know.
It doesn't matter.

Oh, also, if you feel like
you're losing control,

just say the word "Jericho,"
and I'll pull out all the stops.

Oh, Jericho.
Safe word.

I love that.
Right?

All right, so after dinner,
pretend you're sick

and say you want to go
straight to bed.

Me and you have to pick up
the perp

super early in the morning,
so you only have to

act normal around Teddy
from the elevator to the room.

Do you think you can do that?

Yes?

Yes.
Say, "yes, I can do it.

I can be normal."

Yes, I can do it.

I can be normal.
There you go.

I can totally be normal.

Hey, everybody.

There he is!

Teddy in the house!

Who knew a prisoner transfer
could be like a vacation, huh?

Hey, man.

Thanks a lot for telling me
to come up here.

Yup, that was great of me.

This place is really romantic.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, not that romantic, actually.

The radiator in our room
sounds like a woman screaming.

Yeah, oh, and there was
a dead crow in our toilet.

You should complain about that.

Our place is really nice.
It's got a fireplace.

I'm gonna snuggle up
next to that thing with you.

No, I don't want to do that.

'Cause of the cancer risks.

Most people don't know this,

but sitting by a fire
is actually worse

than sucking on a tailpipe
of a bus.

Ah, because of the germs.

Fumes.

Oh.

You know, when we first
started dating, Amy and I found

this really nice B&B
up in the Poconos.

We got that sweet
city employee discount.

Remember that, babe?

Teddy, think fast.
Drink menu.

Ow.

I'm sorry, man.
Chucked that right at you.

I just thought
you really wanted a drink.

I never need a drink menu.

I got the thrills for the pils.

'Cause I'm a pilsner man.

Oh, I hadn't heard.

That's it.

I can't stop myself.

Jericho. Jericho.
Jericho.

Ow!

That's pulling out
all the stops?

What's going on?

I want to break it up.

Us.

I want to break us up.

Hey, folks.

Welcome to the maple drip inn.

Everyone excited to be here?

We having a good time?

We are not.

All right, Gina.

We have to act soon.

That cold medicine
Diaz chugged...

It was the non-drowsy kind.

She's all over the place.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Guess what.

I got a new lead to ask
my perp about.

It's a drug dealer
on state street.

Oh!

Why doesn't someone
answer that phone?

Get it.
I'll get it.

Hello.

No, there's no Michael here.

You have the wrong number.
Good-bye.

I'm Michael.

That's a dumb name,
but it's yours,

and you should be proud of it
because you are

the greatest Detective
I've ever known.

No doy, Diaz.
No doy.

Where is my file?
Yeah.

She's so hopped up on that
stuff, her brain's gonna blow.

I'm gonna interrogate the perp.

You keep Diaz occupied.

I don't want to get near
her germ face.

Permission to lock her
in a distant room?

No.
Just distract her.

Yes.
That is what I will do.

Rosa, come here.

Got to tell you something.
It's a secret.

Okay, but I have
a lot of stuff to do.

What's the secret?
What's the secret?

What's the secret?

Here it is. See?
Gina.

Let me out of here.
I got to talk to my perp.

Shh.

You know, many people think
that scrambled eggs

are the easiest food to make,

but that is incredibly foolish.

They are a highly nuanced
and complicated dish.

Okay, now, go ahead
and pour your eggs

right into the pan,
nice and slow.

Oh.

Okay, now what do I do?
Oh, boy.

Okay, well,
you hear that sizzle?

That means the heat is
a little too high on those eggs.

Well, the higher the heat,
the faster the eggs cook,

the sooner Kevin eats.

Am I incorrect?

No, you make an excellent point,

but we don't want to feed Kevin
burned garbage.

Cooking is about patience.

Are you completely insane?

You never salt can to pan.

The hand...
The hand is the middle man.

Okay?

What you did is the culinary
equivalent of unprotected sex.

You know what?

You, sir, are not ready
to scramble eggs.

Hand over your spatula.

Fine.

I only wish in return
I could get back all the time

I just wasted
on this futile project.

I'm just gonna make Kevin
plain toast for breakfast.

Oh, that is low.

Hey, Boyle.
I smell burning.

Is Hitchcock roasting corn
on the radiator again?

No.

What you smell
is the burning wreckage

of my relationship with Holt.

So there's no corn on the cob?

The main reason you want
to break up with me

is the pilsners?

I-I like other drinks.

It's delicious.
I want more.

It's not just the pilsners.

There are so many reasons
I want to break up.

That sounded bad, didn't it?

As a lawyer, it's my duty
to tell you to shh.

Okay, look.

There's just no spark
between us.

That's vague.

Uh, you're...
Boring.

No, that's too harsh.

This is why I wanted
to write it down.

Can I maybe just have
two hours alone with my laptop,

so I can type up a draft?

Great idea.

In the meantime,
we can just chat.

You know what?
We should go.

No, actually,
I think you should stay,

so we can all talk
about the real reason

there's a problem
in my relationship with Amy,

which is you, Jake.

Buh... what now, huh?

About how you told her
that you liked her

before you went undercover.

You liked Amy?
Um...

I did, but that was
many moons ago.

Was it?

'Cause I know
for a fact you also

told her when you got back,
and every time you would,

she would get "confused,"
and then our relationship

would get "out of sync,"
and if you ask me,

I think
it's because Amy liked you back.

Did you?

Maybe. Yes.

A little.

I mean, I was confused.

And I really need
my laptop right now.

You know what, this is
officially too much for me,

so I'm gonna go upstairs and
rip the heads off some dolls.

Good night.

I'm gonna leave too.

If you would please leave
my toothbrush

and my home brewing kit
at the doorstep,

I'll pick them up tomorrow.

Well, I guess
that's the last time

I invite Teddy on a trip, right?

♪ Drama ♪

I'm gonna go.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, it's me.

Please open the door.

Come on, let's talk.

I'm sorry.

Can I help you?

Oh, no, you're not Sophia.

Hey, Jake. Over here, man.

Oh.
I am so sorry, sir.

You were a wrong door.

You were a wrong door.

That's a very angry man.

Look, I know what
that sounded like at dinner,

but I promise you,
I am not into Amy.

It's not what I heard, Jake.

It's what I saw.

You should've seen
the look on your face

when you found out
Amy liked you.

Listen to me.

"Liked"?
I'm an adult.

All this who-likes-who stuff
sounds very High School.

I know, it's stupid.
You're totally right.

But the point is, I like you.

And you're sure you're over Amy?

Yes.

I mean, I didn't knock
on Amy's door.

I knocked on yours.

Actually, you knocked
on his door.

And I'm pretty sure
he's listening.

No, I'm not.

Who's Amy?

Yeah.
Come on in.

Thank you.

The puppets are on the bed.

Good morning, Boyle.

Oh, good morning, Captain Holt.

After our disagreement
yesterday, I went online

to read your culinary blogs
and scoff.

To my dismay,
I actually learned something

about how food tells a
story, so I made Kevin this.

It's warm.

It's a croque monsieur.

Kevin and I shared one on a
rainy afternoon in Paris

on our first anniversary.

It's one of our most
treasured memories.

I'm sure it's not up
to your standards,

but Kevin seemed to enjoy it.

So thank you for
your guidance.

It's gross, huh?

No.

It's perfect.

He's a natural chef.

Now I know how salieri felt.

Everything okay with Diaz?

Yeah, she fell asleep five
minutes after I locked her in,

and she hasn't moved
in the past ten hours.

She talks in her sleep.

I'm gonna rip your head off.

I'm gonna rip
your damn head off, grandma.

Oh, tare-bear,
what if she sleeps forever?

Oh, God!

Oh, look, it's Rosa!

You look great, girl.

I got to get out of here.
Bye.

You better not run,
because I will catch you.

After I'm done crushing
that perp, you're next.

I already interrogated
the perp for you.

You what?

I got him to name
his giggle pig supplier.

It's all good.

Now go home and get better.

I could've done it myself.

No, you couldn't have.

You literally have been
in a coma since yesterday.

Now, I know you like to act
like you don't need any help,

but we all do.

I ask five dudes to spot me
when I'm doing my squats.

Terry paid me $20
to lock you up.

No, I did not.

But I took that cheddar, and
I made you this special

"Rosa's gonna make this cold
her bitch" care package.

Now's the time when you say
"thank you for all your help."

Thank you for all your help.

Wait, is that a smile I see?

Possibly.

My immune system is too weak
to fight off my smile muscles.

You okay?

Want some blue?

Sure.

Wow, last night
really broke you, huh?

Actually, I think
it was probably for the best.

I'm glad I got it over with.
Totally.

Sometimes you got to just
rip off the band-aid

and let the scab
bleed all over the place.

That's not the expression
at all.

I'm 100% it is.

So how'd it go with Sophia?

Good.
We made up.

We're still together.

I told her, you know, everything
with me and you is in the past,

and we're just friends, so...

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I am thrilled to know
that you used to like me,

and I will bring it up
constantly.

Great.

Hey, should we make
a left up here

at you-used-to-like-me lane,
or...

Ha, ha.

I could always just cut across

at Amy-used-to-like-Jake
boulevard.

Okay, stop it,
or I'll crash the car.

Don't do that.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu