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1
00:00:00,966 --> 00:00:02,494
Everyone,
check your email.
2
00:00:02,495 --> 00:00:05,393
The greatest thing that could
ever happen has just happened.
3
00:00:05,394 --> 00:00:07,626
The girl who beat you
for High School valedictorian died?
4
00:00:07,627 --> 00:00:10,215
No, "Kevin Cozner requests
your presence
5
00:00:10,216 --> 00:00:11,939
at Raymond's birthday party."
6
00:00:11,940 --> 00:00:13,659
Who's Kevin Cozner?
7
00:00:13,660 --> 00:00:16,428
Is he the star
of "Danzes with Wolvez?"
8
00:00:16,463 --> 00:00:18,864
He's Captain Holt's husband.
Captain Raymond Holt.
9
00:00:18,865 --> 00:00:20,432
We're invited
to the Captain's birthday party.
10
00:00:20,433 --> 00:00:22,701
Oh, the Captain's party
and whatnot.
11
00:00:22,702 --> 00:00:24,937
I can't wait to see the inside
of Raymond's house.
12
00:00:24,938 --> 00:00:27,106
I'm gonna learn everything
there is to know about him.
13
00:00:27,107 --> 00:00:30,776
I bet it's really fancy,
like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
14
00:00:30,810 --> 00:00:32,945
No, it's probably just
an empty, white cube
15
00:00:32,946 --> 00:00:34,646
with a USB port in it
for him to plug his finger in
16
00:00:34,647 --> 00:00:36,348
when he's on sleep mode.
17
00:00:36,383 --> 00:00:39,618
Apparently, my husband Kevin
has invited you all to my party.
18
00:00:39,619 --> 00:00:41,320
There is very little
street parking, no gifts,
19
00:00:41,321 --> 00:00:44,623
no singing of Happy Birthday.
Should be fun.
20
00:00:44,624 --> 00:00:47,092
Sounds fantastic.
21
00:00:47,127 --> 00:00:51,130
Did you hear that?
His husband invited us, not him.
22
00:00:51,131 --> 00:00:52,097
He so doesn't want us there.
23
00:00:52,132 --> 00:00:53,532
Yes, he does.
24
00:00:53,533 --> 00:00:56,368
Mm, it was kind of
a last-minute invite.
25
00:00:56,369 --> 00:00:57,870
Just stirring the pot.
26
00:00:57,904 --> 00:00:59,405
Why wouldn't Holt
want us there?
27
00:00:59,406 --> 00:01:00,973
Because he thinks
we're going to embarrass him
28
00:01:00,974 --> 00:01:04,309
in front of his husband,
which, frankly, is insulting!
29
00:01:04,310 --> 00:01:05,978
Oh, man.
30
00:01:05,979 --> 00:01:08,347
All the orange soda
spilled out of my cereal.
31
00:01:08,381 --> 00:01:12,120
Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu
32
00:01:12,121 --> 00:01:17,383
♪
33
00:01:28,401 --> 00:01:29,735
[knock at door]
34
00:01:29,769 --> 00:01:32,004
Happy Birthday,
you sly, old fox.
35
00:01:32,005 --> 00:01:33,839
How many spankings is it
this year?
36
00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,375
Peralta, please.
Save some charm for the party.
37
00:01:36,376 --> 00:01:38,744
Oh, you mean the party that you
begrudgingly invited us to
38
00:01:38,778 --> 00:01:40,579
at the last minute
'cause you don't want us there?
39
00:01:40,613 --> 00:01:42,014
I couldn't be happier
you're coming.
40
00:01:42,015 --> 00:01:44,116
And it shows.
I can't wait to meet Kevin.
41
00:01:44,117 --> 00:01:46,185
I assume he's the fun one
in the relationship.
42
00:01:46,186 --> 00:01:48,520
I'm not sure you and Kevin
will get along.
43
00:01:48,521 --> 00:01:50,456
Really?
Well, I disagree.
44
00:01:50,457 --> 00:01:53,158
In fact, I will guarantee you
that by the end of the night,
45
00:01:53,193 --> 00:01:55,194
Kev and I will be
best friends.
46
00:01:55,228 --> 00:01:56,528
He hates being called "Kev."
47
00:01:56,529 --> 00:01:59,031
Or does he?
Yes.
48
00:01:59,032 --> 00:02:00,899
[Grunts]
Bam!
49
00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:03,535
Behold, my secret weapon
for winning over Kevin.
50
00:02:03,570 --> 00:02:05,704
In this box
is every grisly crime
51
00:02:05,738 --> 00:02:07,806
the nine-nine has worked
in the past eight years.
52
00:02:07,807 --> 00:02:10,275
Civilians love
juicy cop stories.
53
00:02:10,310 --> 00:02:11,910
Oh, I call that murder
where they strung
54
00:02:11,945 --> 00:02:13,412
fishing wire
through three guys.
55
00:02:13,446 --> 00:02:14,880
Hey, we solved that
together.
56
00:02:14,881 --> 00:02:16,782
Well, tough Tetris.
I called it.
57
00:02:16,783 --> 00:02:19,585
Also, I've loaded all of my
favorite karaoke backing tracks
58
00:02:19,586 --> 00:02:21,253
onto my phone.
59
00:02:21,254 --> 00:02:23,455
Kevin and I will be duetting
Rolling in the Deep!
60
00:02:23,490 --> 00:02:25,491
That's it,
emergency squad meeting,
61
00:02:25,492 --> 00:02:27,226
briefing room,
two minutes.
62
00:02:29,762 --> 00:02:31,330
(Jake)
Uh, adult parties?
63
00:02:31,331 --> 00:02:33,665
Sergeant, I believe
they're called orgies.
64
00:02:33,666 --> 00:02:35,067
No-look five.
65
00:02:35,101 --> 00:02:36,602
I met my wife at an orgy.
66
00:02:36,636 --> 00:02:38,837
Well,
she was leaving an orgy,
67
00:02:38,838 --> 00:02:40,906
and we bumped into each other
on the street.
68
00:02:40,907 --> 00:02:42,574
Real meet-cute.
69
00:02:42,609 --> 00:02:46,078
Thank you for exhibiting exactly
why this meeting is necessary.
70
00:02:46,079 --> 00:02:48,113
Everyone here
needs some instruction
71
00:02:48,114 --> 00:02:50,249
on interacting
with grown-ups.
72
00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:51,650
Sergeant,
why am I here?
73
00:02:51,651 --> 00:02:53,418
I'm always
incredibly appropriate.
74
00:02:53,419 --> 00:02:55,787
In High School, I was voted
"most appropriate."
75
00:02:55,788 --> 00:02:58,357
Ooh, self burn.
Those are rare.
76
00:02:58,358 --> 00:03:00,792
I shouldn't be here either.
I'm fine at parties.
77
00:03:00,793 --> 00:03:03,262
I just stand in the middle of
the room and don't say anything.
78
00:03:03,296 --> 00:03:05,364
Here are the rules:
No staring at your phones,
79
00:03:05,365 --> 00:03:06,965
no rolling in
two hours late.
80
00:03:06,966 --> 00:03:10,002
No sweatpants, no jeans,
and no shorts.
81
00:03:10,036 --> 00:03:11,603
What about dress-up shorts?
82
00:03:11,604 --> 00:03:13,438
For instance, the kind
Jen Aniston might wear?
83
00:03:13,473 --> 00:03:17,543
No, those are still shorts.
No shorts.
84
00:03:17,544 --> 00:03:19,111
And everyone bring
a bottle of wine.
85
00:03:19,112 --> 00:03:20,646
Why are there so many rules?
I mean, next thing
86
00:03:20,647 --> 00:03:22,414
you're gonna say is
we can't be late.
87
00:03:22,448 --> 00:03:24,316
Yeah, that's, like,
the first thing I said.
88
00:03:24,350 --> 00:03:26,952
Ohh.
89
00:03:28,388 --> 00:03:29,655
This neighborhood's amazing.
90
00:03:29,689 --> 00:03:32,457
Class just seeps
outta every vestibule.
91
00:03:32,458 --> 00:03:35,027
Keep it in your pants,
Santiago.
92
00:03:35,061 --> 00:03:37,396
Scully, I specifically said,
"no shorts."
93
00:03:37,397 --> 00:03:39,131
Sarge, it's not my fault.
94
00:03:39,132 --> 00:03:41,466
You said so many things
about shorts, I got confused.
95
00:03:41,501 --> 00:03:43,202
Man, did I screw the pooch.
96
00:03:43,203 --> 00:03:44,203
Oh.
Peralta,
97
00:03:44,204 --> 00:03:45,537
where have you been?
98
00:03:45,538 --> 00:03:47,139
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I know,
99
00:03:47,140 --> 00:03:50,209
I am threety-five minutes late.
Yikes!
100
00:03:50,210 --> 00:03:52,144
But I had to stop
and get some wine.
101
00:03:52,178 --> 00:03:56,148
Hello, good sir, I'd like your
finest bottle of wine, please.
102
00:03:56,182 --> 00:03:58,550
That will be $1,600.
103
00:03:58,585 --> 00:04:01,700
Great, I'd like your $8-est
bottle of wine, please.
104
00:04:01,721 --> 00:04:04,856
It's from the finest vineyard
in Arkansas.
105
00:04:04,891 --> 00:04:06,825
[Chuckles]
106
00:04:06,826 --> 00:04:08,727
Ah, samesies!
107
00:04:08,761 --> 00:04:09,962
[Laughter]
108
00:04:09,996 --> 00:04:12,164
[Soft piano music playing]
109
00:04:12,165 --> 00:04:13,332
Wow.
110
00:04:13,366 --> 00:04:15,334
Wow.
111
00:04:15,335 --> 00:04:16,635
Ah, welcome.
112
00:04:16,669 --> 00:04:17,669
(All)
Captain.
113
00:04:17,670 --> 00:04:19,338
Raymond!
114
00:04:19,339 --> 00:04:21,506
Those slacks
are a knockout.
115
00:04:21,507 --> 00:04:22,841
Come on, Amy.
116
00:04:22,842 --> 00:04:24,509
I trust you found my home
easy to locate,
117
00:04:24,510 --> 00:04:26,345
and thank you all for wearing
appropriate footwear.
118
00:04:26,346 --> 00:04:28,046
Wow, you really
let your hair down
119
00:04:28,047 --> 00:04:29,514
when you're not
at the office.
120
00:04:29,515 --> 00:04:32,184
Ah, detectives,
meet my husband, Kevin.
121
00:04:32,185 --> 00:04:33,418
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
122
00:04:33,419 --> 00:04:35,621
Evening, so glad
you could make it.
123
00:04:35,622 --> 00:04:38,690
Ah, and look,
he brought us some wine.
124
00:04:38,691 --> 00:04:41,226
"Drink." This is legally
called "wine drink."
125
00:04:41,261 --> 00:04:43,562
Hmm, how very thoughtful.
Thank you.
126
00:04:43,563 --> 00:04:45,864
It's red.
Like blood.
127
00:04:45,865 --> 00:04:47,199
You know, I worked
a double homicide
128
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,400
on this block
a couple years ago.
129
00:04:48,401 --> 00:04:50,068
The details
will astound you.
130
00:04:50,069 --> 00:04:51,370
Yes, I am sorry.
131
00:04:51,371 --> 00:04:52,537
Perhaps Raymond
didn't say anything.
132
00:04:52,538 --> 00:04:54,573
Our home has
a "no shoptalk" policy.
133
00:04:54,574 --> 00:04:55,907
I don't bring home Beowulf,
134
00:04:55,908 --> 00:04:57,242
and he doesn't bring home
cop stories.
135
00:04:57,243 --> 00:04:59,444
Ah.
So may I pour you
136
00:04:59,479 --> 00:05:01,780
some of this wine drink
you brought us?
137
00:05:01,781 --> 00:05:03,715
Perhaps all of it?
138
00:05:03,716 --> 00:05:05,951
All of it sounds good.
139
00:05:07,387 --> 00:05:09,087
Actually, Ray and I met
over the phone.
140
00:05:09,088 --> 00:05:10,289
Oh, they've all heard
the story.
141
00:05:10,323 --> 00:05:12,224
No, we haven't,
and we need to.
142
00:05:12,225 --> 00:05:14,393
Well, Ray was a source
for an article I was writing
143
00:05:14,394 --> 00:05:15,560
for The New Yorker.
144
00:05:15,561 --> 00:05:17,262
I asked him a series
of dry questions
145
00:05:17,263 --> 00:05:19,898
about police work, and
his answers had me in stitches.
146
00:05:19,899 --> 00:05:21,233
There's no one funnier
than Ray Holt.
147
00:05:21,234 --> 00:05:22,734
Amen.
There isn't?
148
00:05:22,735 --> 00:05:23,969
(Holt)
We met for a drink that night,
149
00:05:23,970 --> 00:05:24,970
and we've been together
ever since.
150
00:05:24,971 --> 00:05:26,571
Yeah.
151
00:05:26,606 --> 00:05:28,640
So, Kevin, I hear you're
a Professor at Columbia?
152
00:05:28,675 --> 00:05:30,542
That's right, yes.
I head the classics department.
153
00:05:30,576 --> 00:05:32,511
Ah, interesting,
classics.
154
00:05:32,512 --> 00:05:37,849
Zeppelin, Hendrix, Die Hard.
Total classics head over here.
155
00:05:37,850 --> 00:05:41,019
I'm joking, obviously.
I know what the classics are.
156
00:05:41,020 --> 00:05:44,323
The Odyssey and... the one
you said when we got here,
157
00:05:44,324 --> 00:05:46,258
the wolf one.
158
00:05:46,259 --> 00:05:47,592
(Holt)
Kevin, why don't we go mingle
159
00:05:47,627 --> 00:05:50,225
and let the detectives
settle in?
160
00:05:51,798 --> 00:05:53,665
Boyle, what happened
to your shirt?
161
00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:55,667
I spilled
a wonderful winter salsa.
162
00:05:55,668 --> 00:05:57,703
Here, wear my shirt.
I was gonna take it off anyway.
163
00:05:57,704 --> 00:05:59,271
Hitchcock, no!
164
00:05:59,272 --> 00:06:00,939
(Terry)
Boyle, take my sweater.
165
00:06:02,842 --> 00:06:05,444
Fits really well.
We have similar physiques.
166
00:06:05,445 --> 00:06:07,045
We've been here
all of four minutes,
167
00:06:07,046 --> 00:06:09,815
and you guys have already
forgotten everything I said!
168
00:06:09,849 --> 00:06:12,084
Party huddle, stat!
169
00:06:12,118 --> 00:06:14,619
Okay, gang,
we need a new strategy.
170
00:06:14,654 --> 00:06:16,655
Totally.
What is going on out there?
171
00:06:16,656 --> 00:06:19,157
We can't tell cop stories,
Kevin doesn't find me charming,
172
00:06:19,192 --> 00:06:21,026
and a native English speaker
referred to Captain Holt
173
00:06:21,027 --> 00:06:23,595
as "hilarious."
I am flummoxed!
174
00:06:23,629 --> 00:06:26,164
That's a word I learned
for this party, and I am it!
175
00:06:26,165 --> 00:06:28,233
Well, I'm doing fine.
Really?
176
00:06:28,234 --> 00:06:30,135
"Raymond, those slacks
are a knockout."
177
00:06:30,136 --> 00:06:31,436
(Amy)
Do you think he heard that?
178
00:06:31,471 --> 00:06:32,504
Only 'cause you yelled it.
179
00:06:32,505 --> 00:06:33,772
Shut up.
180
00:06:33,806 --> 00:06:35,807
From now on,
we play to our strengths.
181
00:06:35,808 --> 00:06:37,676
Charles, you know everything
about food.
182
00:06:37,677 --> 00:06:39,010
That's all you talk about.
183
00:06:39,011 --> 00:06:40,212
I mean, I don't think anyone
184
00:06:40,213 --> 00:06:42,247
will ever know everything
about food.
185
00:06:42,248 --> 00:06:43,515
It's an evolving discipline.
186
00:06:43,516 --> 00:06:44,883
That's great stuff.
187
00:06:44,917 --> 00:06:46,985
It's so boring.
Don't waste it.
188
00:06:46,986 --> 00:06:48,653
Amy, you studied art history.
189
00:06:48,654 --> 00:06:49,855
That's interesting.
190
00:06:49,856 --> 00:06:51,656
Scully, opera.
191
00:06:51,657 --> 00:06:55,093
Hitchcock, nothing.
Talk about nothing.
192
00:06:55,094 --> 00:06:56,995
Rosa, stick with Gina.
193
00:06:56,996 --> 00:06:58,764
Make sure she doesn't say
anything insane
194
00:06:58,765 --> 00:06:59,764
or steal anything.
195
00:06:59,766 --> 00:07:01,566
Too late.
[Chuckles]
196
00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:04,536
Don't worry, it's just, like,
hats and scarves and stuff.
197
00:07:04,537 --> 00:07:06,838
She will put those back.
I will handle the chitchat.
198
00:07:06,839 --> 00:07:08,373
Well, that just leaves you,
Peralta.
199
00:07:08,408 --> 00:07:10,542
(Amy)
What's your cultural specialty?
200
00:07:10,576 --> 00:07:12,177
Easy, Kevin mentioned
The New Yorker,
201
00:07:12,178 --> 00:07:13,912
and I've totally
read that.
202
00:07:13,946 --> 00:07:17,916
[Laughs]
203
00:07:17,950 --> 00:07:21,586
Keep a low profile,
chuckle at anecdotes.
204
00:07:21,587 --> 00:07:23,288
Try not to start
any conversations.
205
00:07:23,289 --> 00:07:24,756
Got it.
206
00:07:24,757 --> 00:07:27,025
Wait a minute,
you're hitchcocking me?
207
00:07:27,026 --> 00:07:29,394
Well, not surprising.
We're practically twins.
208
00:07:29,429 --> 00:07:32,364
"Be appropriate," on three.
Quietly.
209
00:07:32,365 --> 00:07:34,366
One, two, three.
210
00:07:34,367 --> 00:07:37,035
[All whispering]
Be appropriate.
211
00:07:37,069 --> 00:07:38,537
Now, break it up.
We look weird.
212
00:07:38,571 --> 00:07:40,639
Okay.
213
00:07:44,076 --> 00:07:46,812
Don't move as a group.
You're not gazelles.
214
00:07:51,297 --> 00:07:53,231
No, no,
I said, "millimeters."
215
00:07:53,232 --> 00:07:54,432
[Laughter]
216
00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:55,967
[Mouthing]
217
00:07:56,002 --> 00:07:58,970
Oh, Ray, I'm gonna choke
from laughter.
218
00:07:58,971 --> 00:08:00,305
You're too funny!
219
00:08:00,339 --> 00:08:01,673
[Laughter]
220
00:08:01,674 --> 00:08:05,076
Yes, great humor words,
Raymond.
221
00:08:05,077 --> 00:08:07,145
You know, it reminds me
of a very interesting article
222
00:08:07,146 --> 00:08:09,181
I read about human trafficking
in The New Yorker.
223
00:08:09,182 --> 00:08:10,515
No, it doesn't.
Oh.
224
00:08:10,550 --> 00:08:12,050
The one written
by David Remnick.
225
00:08:12,051 --> 00:08:13,885
I loved that piece,
from four weeks ago.
226
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,621
Or was it three weeks?
No, four.
227
00:08:16,656 --> 00:08:18,824
Anyways, I was riveted.
228
00:08:18,858 --> 00:08:21,026
I'm a huge New Yorker guy.
229
00:08:21,027 --> 00:08:22,994
I could talk
about that article for hours.
230
00:08:22,995 --> 00:08:24,162
Great.
That's unnecessary.
231
00:08:24,163 --> 00:08:25,163
Let's do that right now.
232
00:08:25,164 --> 00:08:26,898
Let's do.
233
00:08:26,899 --> 00:08:29,534
Ah, there they are.
Kevin, let's greet our guests.
234
00:08:29,535 --> 00:08:31,670
Oh. Mm-hmm.
Duty calls.
235
00:08:32,839 --> 00:08:34,506
To be continued.
236
00:08:34,507 --> 00:08:37,242
Totes!
Can't wait!
237
00:08:37,276 --> 00:08:39,010
[Whispering]
I can wait.
238
00:08:39,011 --> 00:08:40,645
All I remember
about that article is the title.
239
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,514
I was hopped up
on nitrous.
240
00:08:42,515 --> 00:08:44,015
Well, we gotta find
that magazine.
241
00:08:44,016 --> 00:08:45,383
It's gotta be in here
somewhere, right?
242
00:08:45,384 --> 00:08:47,686
This place is like
a candy store for nerds.
243
00:08:47,687 --> 00:08:50,889
Stop eating crab wrong!
244
00:08:52,792 --> 00:08:56,461
Ah, pepper relish
on your arancini.
245
00:08:56,462 --> 00:08:58,430
Very playful.
Cut through the richness,
246
00:08:58,464 --> 00:09:00,432
add a little levity.
I love that.
247
00:09:00,466 --> 00:09:02,100
You really know your food.
248
00:09:02,101 --> 00:09:03,134
Well, you could say
it's the only thing
249
00:09:03,135 --> 00:09:04,502
I'm allowed to talk about.
250
00:09:04,537 --> 00:09:06,838
I'm Charles.
I work with Captain Holt.
251
00:09:06,873 --> 00:09:09,841
I'm Vivian Ludley.
I work with Kevin.
252
00:09:09,876 --> 00:09:12,043
No.
The Vivian Ludley?
253
00:09:12,044 --> 00:09:14,112
Author of Stone Fruits
and Stone-Stones:
254
00:09:14,113 --> 00:09:17,215
Food of the Paleolithic Era?
I'm a huge fan!
255
00:09:17,216 --> 00:09:19,684
It's got the best recipes
for making salads out of moss.
256
00:09:19,719 --> 00:09:23,889
The trick is, you have
to lean into the dirt taste.
257
00:09:23,923 --> 00:09:26,091
Aha.
Mm-hmm.
258
00:09:26,125 --> 00:09:30,729
Chickpeas, tahini,
smoked paprika...
259
00:09:30,730 --> 00:09:32,564
They make their own hummus.
260
00:09:32,565 --> 00:09:34,065
Santiago?
261
00:09:34,066 --> 00:09:35,065
Sergeant!
262
00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:36,835
I'm learning so much.
263
00:09:36,836 --> 00:09:39,905
We both have blue hand towels,
we have the same microwave,
264
00:09:39,906 --> 00:09:42,741
and once I buy coasters
made out of geodes,
265
00:09:42,742 --> 00:09:43,742
we'll both have those.
266
00:09:43,743 --> 00:09:45,243
[Laughs]
Yeah.
267
00:09:45,278 --> 00:09:47,837
No, hey!
My notes!
268
00:09:47,847 --> 00:09:50,649
This is a birthday party,
not a recon mission.
269
00:09:50,650 --> 00:09:53,785
You can get this back
at the end of the night.
270
00:09:53,786 --> 00:09:55,220
(Rosa)
All right.
271
00:09:55,254 --> 00:09:56,421
Let's go interact
with these dummies.
272
00:09:56,455 --> 00:09:57,756
Wait here.
273
00:09:59,759 --> 00:10:01,159
What do you teach?
274
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,527
Comparative historiography
275
00:10:02,528 --> 00:10:04,095
of the French
and American revolutions.
276
00:10:04,130 --> 00:10:05,730
Nope.
How 'bout you?
277
00:10:05,765 --> 00:10:07,265
Molecular biology.
278
00:10:07,266 --> 00:10:09,134
Worse.
What do you study?
279
00:10:09,168 --> 00:10:10,936
Abnormal psychology.
280
00:10:10,970 --> 00:10:13,905
So, like,
weirdos and freaks.
281
00:10:13,940 --> 00:10:15,173
You should meet my friend.
282
00:10:15,207 --> 00:10:18,009
Hey.
283
00:10:18,010 --> 00:10:19,945
Gina, what are you
thinking about right now?
284
00:10:19,946 --> 00:10:23,949
I was thinking how I would make
the perfect American President,
285
00:10:23,983 --> 00:10:28,820
based upon my skill set,
dance ability, and bloodlust.
286
00:10:28,854 --> 00:10:32,123
That is fascinating.
287
00:10:32,124 --> 00:10:33,458
[Giggles]
288
00:10:33,459 --> 00:10:35,493
"Ah-shan-ti."
289
00:10:40,366 --> 00:10:44,302
Oh, man, it's black Tom Selleck
and white Sidney Poitier.
290
00:10:44,337 --> 00:10:47,505
[Sighs]
Come on.
291
00:10:47,506 --> 00:10:49,074
All books and no magazines?
292
00:10:49,075 --> 00:10:52,310
What kind of crappy library's
full of books?
293
00:10:52,311 --> 00:10:54,245
A crap library.
294
00:10:54,246 --> 00:10:55,947
All of the magazines
are in the bathroom.
295
00:10:55,948 --> 00:10:57,749
Great solve, Peralta.
296
00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:58,817
Ah!
297
00:10:58,818 --> 00:11:00,018
Can I help you?
298
00:11:00,019 --> 00:11:01,486
[Clears throat]
Captain.
299
00:11:01,487 --> 00:11:03,555
I didn't hear you
silently sneak up on me.
300
00:11:03,556 --> 00:11:06,424
Oh, that reminds me, tell Kevin
that I am available for brunch
301
00:11:06,425 --> 00:11:07,425
on sunday the 17th.
302
00:11:07,426 --> 00:11:09,160
The 17th is a tuesday.
303
00:11:09,195 --> 00:11:12,397
Why are you talking about
The New Yorker all of a sudden?
304
00:11:12,431 --> 00:11:13,999
I always talk
about smart stuff.
305
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,835
You know, the jazz age,
what's in a name,
306
00:11:16,836 --> 00:11:20,338
the 1950s movies
that are from the '50s.
307
00:11:20,339 --> 00:11:23,408
Those were the categories
on Jeopardy last night.
308
00:11:23,442 --> 00:11:24,876
Don't try so hard
to impress my husband.
309
00:11:24,910 --> 00:11:26,878
Yes, sir.
310
00:11:29,181 --> 00:11:31,483
To the crap library.
311
00:11:31,517 --> 00:11:35,220
April 13th, may 2nd...
312
00:11:35,221 --> 00:11:38,356
Come on! Why doesn't my life
always work out perfectly?
313
00:11:38,357 --> 00:11:39,758
[Knock at door]
314
00:11:39,759 --> 00:11:42,861
Uh, just a second!
I'm halfway done!
315
00:11:42,862 --> 00:11:45,196
I'm halfway there,
I'm halfway done...
316
00:11:45,197 --> 00:11:48,666
With what's happening in here.
Okay.
317
00:11:48,701 --> 00:11:53,538
♪ Una furtiva lagrima ♪
318
00:11:53,539 --> 00:11:55,473
This song gets to me
every time.
319
00:11:55,474 --> 00:11:57,942
It's beautiful.
You must be so proud.
320
00:11:57,943 --> 00:11:59,277
I sure am.
321
00:11:59,311 --> 00:12:00,879
How long have you two
been together?
322
00:12:00,913 --> 00:12:02,847
We've been partners
for almost 30 years.
323
00:12:02,882 --> 00:12:05,550
So do you two ever
get harassed at work?
324
00:12:05,551 --> 00:12:07,552
Harassed?
For what?
325
00:12:07,586 --> 00:12:10,688
For being a gay couple
who works together in the NYPD.
326
00:12:10,723 --> 00:12:14,526
Bu-u-u-ooh...
327
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:17,395
Peralta.
Hey, don't you one-minute me.
328
00:12:17,430 --> 00:12:19,564
I will break that finger off.
Hang up that phone.
329
00:12:19,565 --> 00:12:21,399
I'm talking
to my credit card company.
330
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:23,134
I tried to get an online
subscription to The New Yorker,
331
00:12:23,135 --> 00:12:24,602
and they declined me.
332
00:12:24,637 --> 00:12:26,571
Apparently,
based on my previous purchases,
333
00:12:26,572 --> 00:12:27,939
they assumed it was fraud.
334
00:12:27,940 --> 00:12:29,741
That's crazy.
I'm fancy.
335
00:12:29,742 --> 00:12:32,243
One time, I had
coffee-flavored ice cream.
336
00:12:32,244 --> 00:12:33,611
Shut up!
Okay.
337
00:12:33,612 --> 00:12:35,313
Hang up now.
338
00:12:35,314 --> 00:12:37,515
If you're that desperate,
the first two paragraphs
339
00:12:37,516 --> 00:12:38,950
of the article
are on the free site.
340
00:12:38,984 --> 00:12:40,752
Hmm.
You have one minute to look it up,
341
00:12:40,786 --> 00:12:44,222
and then if I catch you
on that phone again...
342
00:12:44,256 --> 00:12:46,424
Oh, my.
Don't worry.
343
00:12:46,425 --> 00:12:49,811
I'm due for an upgrade,
and my babies are on the cloud.
344
00:12:51,597 --> 00:12:53,431
He is so strong.
345
00:12:55,130 --> 00:12:56,364
Ah, thank you.
346
00:12:56,365 --> 00:12:57,866
Lovely party, Kevin.
347
00:12:57,867 --> 00:13:00,501
These tiny pickles
are hilarious.
348
00:13:00,536 --> 00:13:04,205
They're called cornichon.
349
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,441
So that New Yorker article
about human trafficking
350
00:13:06,475 --> 00:13:08,142
we were discussing...
Yes, so interesting,
351
00:13:08,143 --> 00:13:10,411
especially
the first two paragraphs.
352
00:13:10,446 --> 00:13:12,280
Right, but what did you think
of the thesis,
353
00:13:12,281 --> 00:13:15,383
vis-a-vis modern slavery and its
undeniable role in the economy?
354
00:13:15,417 --> 00:13:17,552
Good.
355
00:13:17,586 --> 00:13:19,988
If you ask me, the whole thesis
was way off base,
356
00:13:19,989 --> 00:13:21,789
vis-a-vis
the rest of the article
357
00:13:21,790 --> 00:13:25,226
vis-a-vis... America.
358
00:13:26,428 --> 00:13:28,263
The article
was antislavery.
359
00:13:28,264 --> 00:13:30,064
Are you saying
that slavery is good?
360
00:13:30,065 --> 00:13:31,499
You know, I think you're missing
the point of the article.
361
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:32,979
You must not be
remembering it right.
362
00:13:33,002 --> 00:13:34,969
Well, I just read it
last night as I got in bed.
363
00:13:34,970 --> 00:13:35,937
It's quite fresh
in my memory.
364
00:13:35,971 --> 00:13:37,805
Ah.
You know,
365
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:39,474
I would like to hear
more of your thoughts.
366
00:13:39,508 --> 00:13:41,309
And I would love
to give them to you,
367
00:13:41,310 --> 00:13:43,711
but unfortunately, I have
got to hit the crap library.
368
00:13:43,746 --> 00:13:46,314
Excuse me one second.
369
00:13:46,348 --> 00:13:48,850
My last meal on earth?
Mm.
370
00:13:48,851 --> 00:13:50,251
That's a great question.
371
00:13:50,252 --> 00:13:53,488
I'd go classic French.
Ortolan.
372
00:13:53,522 --> 00:13:56,257
Tiny songbird,
eaten in a single bite,
373
00:13:56,258 --> 00:13:58,760
bones and all
in open defiance of God.
374
00:13:58,794 --> 00:14:00,762
It's illegal
to consume ortolan,
375
00:14:00,763 --> 00:14:04,165
but I actually got academic
dispensation to eat one once.
376
00:14:04,199 --> 00:14:06,668
Ohh.
The beak, very crunchy.
377
00:14:06,702 --> 00:14:10,438
That is literally the sexiest
thing anyone has ever said.
378
00:14:10,472 --> 00:14:11,906
How are you single?
379
00:14:11,941 --> 00:14:15,276
You're not seeing anyone?
380
00:14:17,479 --> 00:14:20,815
No.
There is nobody in my life.
381
00:14:22,785 --> 00:14:25,820
Sort of a sad thing
to wink about, I realize now.
382
00:14:25,854 --> 00:14:27,722
Aren't you supposed to be
babysitting Gina?
383
00:14:27,723 --> 00:14:29,357
Doesn't need my help.
384
00:14:29,358 --> 00:14:31,526
She's over there,
dazzling some psychologists.
385
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,162
All men are at least 30%
attracted to me.
386
00:14:34,163 --> 00:14:36,197
My mother cried
the day I was born,
387
00:14:36,198 --> 00:14:39,200
because she knew she would
never be better than me.
388
00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:41,703
At any given moment,
I'm thinking about one thing:
389
00:14:41,737 --> 00:14:45,106
Richard dreyfuss hunkered over
eating dog food.
390
00:14:45,140 --> 00:14:48,042
I feel like
I'm the Paris of people.
391
00:14:48,077 --> 00:14:50,712
(Gerard)
Complete overlap of ego and ID.
392
00:14:50,713 --> 00:14:51,879
It's been theorized,
393
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:53,815
but I never thought
I'd see it.
394
00:14:53,816 --> 00:14:54,894
I'm exquisite.
395
00:14:54,917 --> 00:14:56,617
[Laughs]
396
00:14:56,652 --> 00:15:00,955
[Both moaning]
397
00:15:00,990 --> 00:15:02,991
I can't believe
I'm frenching in the closet.
398
00:15:02,992 --> 00:15:04,726
[Sighs]
I feel like a teenager!
399
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,494
I feel like I'm 40 again.
400
00:15:06,495 --> 00:15:07,729
Chew on this shiso leaf.
401
00:15:07,730 --> 00:15:09,697
[Gasps]
It'll give our kissing
402
00:15:09,698 --> 00:15:11,366
umami flavor.
[Moans]
403
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,201
[Both moaning]
404
00:15:17,906 --> 00:15:20,008
Delicious.
[Sighs]
405
00:15:21,377 --> 00:15:24,445
Time to put my newfound
knowledge to the test.
406
00:15:24,446 --> 00:15:28,850
So, sir, popcorn setting,
always too short, am I right?
407
00:15:28,851 --> 00:15:30,351
I'm sorry?
408
00:15:30,386 --> 00:15:33,021
On our microwave.
We have the same microwave.
409
00:15:33,055 --> 00:15:36,724
Oh, I didn't buy it.
It came with the house.
410
00:15:36,725 --> 00:15:39,327
Hummus.
Thoughts?
411
00:15:39,361 --> 00:15:42,775
I have no thoughts
about hummus.
412
00:15:42,798 --> 00:15:44,565
If you'll excuse me.
413
00:15:44,566 --> 00:15:46,134
Yeah.
414
00:15:48,137 --> 00:15:50,241
Blink twice if you'd like me
to mercy kill you.
415
00:15:50,272 --> 00:15:51,739
I thought I had done
enough recon,
416
00:15:51,740 --> 00:15:54,375
but clearly, I have only
scratched the surface.
417
00:15:54,376 --> 00:15:56,878
If I'm gonna bond with him,
418
00:15:56,879 --> 00:15:59,380
I have to massively violate
his privacy.
419
00:15:59,415 --> 00:16:01,549
But Truffaut
wrote Breathless,
420
00:16:01,550 --> 00:16:03,885
and I've always considered
movies a writer's medium.
421
00:16:03,886 --> 00:16:07,055
I can't agree.
It's godard's film.
422
00:16:07,056 --> 00:16:08,456
Come on!
423
00:16:08,457 --> 00:16:10,491
I mean, Truffaut
is also important.
424
00:16:10,492 --> 00:16:13,494
Seriously?
Hold this, I gotta go.
425
00:16:15,464 --> 00:16:18,199
Wow.
Maybe it is Truffaut's film.
426
00:16:18,233 --> 00:16:21,269
Mighty DVR, tell me
the Captain's secrets.
427
00:16:21,270 --> 00:16:23,071
Unveil yourself to me.
428
00:16:23,072 --> 00:16:25,873
Ooh, how it's made:
Contact lenses.
429
00:16:25,908 --> 00:16:28,154
Bingo!
430
00:16:28,177 --> 00:16:29,243
[Door closes]
431
00:16:29,244 --> 00:16:30,611
What are you doing here?
432
00:16:30,612 --> 00:16:32,847
I... what? I'm not.
What are you doing here?
433
00:16:32,848 --> 00:16:34,749
I need to find a New Yorker
that Kevin left by the bed,
434
00:16:34,750 --> 00:16:37,318
so I can justify
this whole proslavery stance
435
00:16:37,319 --> 00:16:38,586
I've backed myself into.
436
00:16:38,587 --> 00:16:39,587
[Door opens]
437
00:16:39,588 --> 00:16:41,189
Detectives!
438
00:16:41,190 --> 00:16:42,723
(Jake)
Sarge! I see that you,
439
00:16:42,758 --> 00:16:45,927
like I, came up here
to chastise Santiago.
440
00:16:45,928 --> 00:16:48,096
Amy, this is low,
even for you.
441
00:16:48,097 --> 00:16:50,932
I cannot believe
you would both violate
442
00:16:50,933 --> 00:16:52,533
the "please stay downstairs"
rule,
443
00:16:52,534 --> 00:16:53,935
which was prominently posted!
444
00:16:53,936 --> 00:16:56,137
Get outta here!
445
00:16:56,138 --> 00:16:58,272
(Holt) I don't know why we have to
have this discussion again.
446
00:16:58,273 --> 00:16:59,273
What do we do?
447
00:16:59,274 --> 00:17:01,275
Bathroom! Bathroom.
448
00:17:04,146 --> 00:17:05,780
Why are you upset with me?
449
00:17:05,781 --> 00:17:07,381
Your employees are the ones
putting a damper on the party.
450
00:17:07,382 --> 00:17:09,117
They are acting terribly.
451
00:17:09,118 --> 00:17:10,685
You're the one who's been
acting terribly tonight.
452
00:17:10,686 --> 00:17:12,787
You've been curt and snobby
with my guests.
453
00:17:12,788 --> 00:17:14,455
You've been needling
poor Peralta so much,
454
00:17:14,456 --> 00:17:16,124
you've practically
made him a new suit.
455
00:17:16,158 --> 00:17:17,692
Needled him a new suit.
456
00:17:17,693 --> 00:17:19,227
Even when we're fighting,
you're hilarious.
457
00:17:19,228 --> 00:17:21,028
Stop it.
Stop it.
458
00:17:21,063 --> 00:17:24,298
[Whispering] Oh, no!
Dog, allergies, sneezing.
459
00:17:24,299 --> 00:17:25,399
No! Get away!
460
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,400
Shh.
461
00:17:26,401 --> 00:17:28,236
Grab the dog!
462
00:17:32,141 --> 00:17:33,741
Look at me.
463
00:17:33,742 --> 00:17:36,544
Do not blow this for us.
464
00:17:36,545 --> 00:17:38,146
You know what, I knew
this wasn't going to work.
465
00:17:38,180 --> 00:17:39,981
It never has.
We should've just gone out
466
00:17:39,982 --> 00:17:41,582
for dinner to a restaurant,
like we do every year.
467
00:17:41,583 --> 00:17:43,151
Why did you make me
invite them?
468
00:17:43,185 --> 00:17:45,219
I made you invite them
because I like them.
469
00:17:45,220 --> 00:17:46,654
They're good people.
470
00:17:46,688 --> 00:17:50,358
[Amy sneezes]
471
00:17:50,359 --> 00:17:52,660
Santiago, are you hiding
in my bathroom
472
00:17:52,661 --> 00:17:55,596
with a dog that
you're deathly allergic to?
473
00:17:55,597 --> 00:17:56,831
(Amy)
No.
474
00:18:01,436 --> 00:18:03,337
Occupied?
475
00:18:06,317 --> 00:18:08,018
Well, this has been
a stinky 12 hours.
476
00:18:08,019 --> 00:18:09,653
My computer bag got a hole
in the bottom,
477
00:18:09,654 --> 00:18:11,288
and my power cord
fell out.
478
00:18:11,322 --> 00:18:13,490
Last night
was such a disaster.
479
00:18:13,491 --> 00:18:15,803
I wheeze-cried myself
to sleep.
480
00:18:15,827 --> 00:18:17,694
Well, at least Captain
said he liked us,
481
00:18:17,695 --> 00:18:19,196
right before he kicked us
out of his house
482
00:18:19,197 --> 00:18:20,430
for violating his trust.
483
00:18:20,431 --> 00:18:22,332
Why didn't Kevin
want to invite us?
484
00:18:22,333 --> 00:18:24,701
We could have been
really cool people.
485
00:18:24,702 --> 00:18:26,903
We weren't,
but we could've been.
486
00:18:26,904 --> 00:18:29,072
Well, as soon as he unveiled
his "no cop talk" policy,
487
00:18:29,073 --> 00:18:30,507
I was sunk.
488
00:18:30,508 --> 00:18:32,642
Gruesome murders are
the cornerstone of my charm.
489
00:18:32,677 --> 00:18:34,344
Well, he spent the last 30 years
with a cop.
490
00:18:34,345 --> 00:18:36,646
Maybe he's sick
of hearing about it.
491
00:18:36,681 --> 00:18:38,381
Wait.
492
00:18:38,382 --> 00:18:41,084
Maybe that's not
what he's sick of.
493
00:18:41,085 --> 00:18:43,954
Santiago, you brilliant bastard,
you figured it out!
494
00:18:48,359 --> 00:18:50,760
Hello again,
Professor Kevin Cozner.
495
00:18:50,761 --> 00:18:52,262
What do you want?
496
00:18:52,296 --> 00:18:55,009
I'd like to tell you
about a case I solved.
497
00:18:55,032 --> 00:18:56,533
Thank you,
but just as with my home,
498
00:18:56,534 --> 00:18:58,535
my office has a strict
"no cop talk" policy.
499
00:18:58,536 --> 00:19:00,370
I figured, but the case
that I have solved
500
00:19:00,371 --> 00:19:02,539
is the case
of the "no cop talk" policy.
501
00:19:02,573 --> 00:19:05,542
There were three things that
bothered me about last night:
502
00:19:05,543 --> 00:19:07,444
You didn't want the nine-nine
at your party,
503
00:19:07,445 --> 00:19:09,246
even though
you'd never met us,
504
00:19:09,247 --> 00:19:10,881
your friends immediately
asked Hitchcock and Scully
505
00:19:10,882 --> 00:19:12,382
if they were harassed,
506
00:19:12,383 --> 00:19:13,817
and there was
something interesting
507
00:19:13,818 --> 00:19:15,585
about that photo
in your library...
508
00:19:15,620 --> 00:19:18,021
You and the Captain
were shunted off to the side.
509
00:19:18,055 --> 00:19:19,723
I don't think
you dislike cop talk.
510
00:19:19,757 --> 00:19:21,358
I think you dislike cops.
511
00:19:21,392 --> 00:19:23,159
[Scoffs]
I'm married to one.
512
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,061
I know, and I can't imagine
it's been fun
513
00:19:25,062 --> 00:19:27,631
watching the man you love
marginalized, underappreciated,
514
00:19:27,632 --> 00:19:29,733
and disrespected
by the NYPD.
515
00:19:29,767 --> 00:19:31,735
Because he's gay, Raymond
has been put through hell
516
00:19:31,736 --> 00:19:33,336
by his colleagues,
many of whom,
517
00:19:33,337 --> 00:19:35,216
quite frankly,
look exactly like you.
518
00:19:35,239 --> 00:19:38,052
Devastatingly handsome?
519
00:19:38,075 --> 00:19:39,743
I'm sorry,
I'm uncomfortable with emotions.
520
00:19:39,744 --> 00:19:41,611
So yes, I decided
a long time ago
521
00:19:41,612 --> 00:19:43,413
that just because
I love Raymond
522
00:19:43,414 --> 00:19:46,310
doesn't mean I have to love
the people he works with.
523
00:19:46,317 --> 00:19:47,812
Good solve, Detective.
524
00:19:47,818 --> 00:19:49,319
Nice cop lingo.
525
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,656
Look, I'm really sorry
that we ruined your party.
526
00:19:52,657 --> 00:19:54,424
I'd like to make it up
to you.
527
00:19:54,458 --> 00:19:56,960
(Jake) Captain, thank you
for joining us.
528
00:19:56,961 --> 00:19:58,194
What's going on?
529
00:19:58,195 --> 00:19:59,729
(Jake)
A proper birthday dinner.
530
00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:01,158
Amy chose the restaurant.
531
00:20:01,165 --> 00:20:02,666
Captain.
532
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:05,435
Ah, perfect.
I've always wanted to come here.
533
00:20:05,436 --> 00:20:06,937
(Jake)
Boyle picked the menu.
534
00:20:06,938 --> 00:20:08,505
Vivian helped.
535
00:20:08,539 --> 00:20:10,941
Terry chose the champagne.
536
00:20:10,942 --> 00:20:13,129
I'm sorry
about your party, sir.
537
00:20:13,144 --> 00:20:15,879
I tried to keep them in line,
but I failed.
538
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,447
Well, that's not your job.
I'm only sorry
539
00:20:17,448 --> 00:20:18,848
you didn't get a chance
to enjoy yourself.
540
00:20:18,883 --> 00:20:21,184
Gina has brought back
all the silverware
541
00:20:21,185 --> 00:20:22,953
that she stole
from your house.
542
00:20:24,889 --> 00:20:27,891
What?
Also, this clock.
543
00:20:27,892 --> 00:20:28,892
Good heavens.
544
00:20:28,893 --> 00:20:30,260
This isn't ours.
545
00:20:30,294 --> 00:20:32,228
And my contribution
will be to refrain
546
00:20:32,229 --> 00:20:35,832
from discussing The New Yorker
for the rest of my living days.
547
00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:38,034
Enjoy.
Thank you, Jake.
548
00:20:38,035 --> 00:20:39,769
You're welcome, Kevin.
Call me "Kev."
549
00:20:39,804 --> 00:20:41,471
Oh.
What?
550
00:20:41,472 --> 00:20:43,139
Oh, he told you to say that,
didn't he?
551
00:20:43,140 --> 00:20:45,308
Well, you are always playing
pranks on me, Raymond.
552
00:20:45,309 --> 00:20:46,710
Just once, let me
be the funny one.
553
00:20:46,711 --> 00:20:47,944
[Scoffs]
554
00:20:47,979 --> 00:20:49,779
And finally,
it is my great pleasure
555
00:20:49,814 --> 00:20:52,582
to introduce the nine-nine zone
Detective Scully
556
00:20:52,583 --> 00:20:54,818
to serenade you.
557
00:20:54,819 --> 00:20:58,321
♪ Ma n'atu sole ♪
558
00:20:58,322 --> 00:21:01,658
♪ Cchiu bello, oi ne'
559
00:21:01,692 --> 00:21:04,160
♪ O sole mio ♪
560
00:21:04,161 --> 00:21:06,663
♪ Sta 'nfronte a te ♪
561
00:21:06,664 --> 00:21:08,164
This part
always gets me.
562
00:21:08,165 --> 00:21:13,870
♪ O sole
o sole mio ♪
563
00:21:15,906 --> 00:21:17,973
Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu
41603
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