All language subtitles for An Englishman Abroad

# Who stole my heart away

# Who makes me dream all day

# Dreams I know can never be true

# Seems as though I'll ever be blue

# Who means my happiness

# Who would I answer yes to

# Well, you ought to guess who

# No one but you #

(DRUM ROLL)

(TRUMPET BLOWING)

CLAUDIUS: Welcome, dear Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern!

Moreover that we much
did long to see you,

the need we have to use you
did provoke our hasty sending.

Something have you heard
of Hamlet's transformation,

so call it, sith nor the exterior nor
the inward man resembles that it was.

What it should be,
more than his father's death,

that thus hath put him so much
from the understanding of himself,

I cannot dream of.

I entreat you both,

that being of so young days
brought up with him and sith so...

(SNORING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

...so by your companies to draw
him on to pleasures and to gather,

so much as from occasion you may glean,

whether ought, unknown to us,
afflicts him thus,

that opened, lies within our remedy.

-(GRUNTS) Excuse me, madam.
-GERTRUDE: Good gentlemen,

he hath much talked of you.

And sure I am
two men there is not living

to whom he more adheres.

(MAN CLEARING THROAT)

If it would please you
to show us so much...

-gentry and goodwill...
-(AUDIENCE SHUSHING)

...as to expend your time
with us awhile,

for the supply and profit of our hope,

your visitation shall receive such
thanks as fits a king's remembrance.

(SOFTLY) Some bugger's just walking out.

ROSENCRANTZ: ...you have of us,
put your dread pleasures

more into command than to entreaty.

(SIGHS)

GUILDENSTERN: But we both obey
and here give up ourselves...

What a pleasure in this day and age,

to hear the language
so beautifully spoken.

No, no, I'm not walking out, I'm...

Just have to go for a piss, you see.

GERTRUDE: Thanks, gentle Guildenstern
and Rosencrantz.

And I beseech you instantly...

Wait for intermission.

GERTRUDE: Go, some of you, and bring
these gentlemen where Hamlet is.

GUILDENSTERN: Heavens make our presence
and our practices pleasant...

(COUGHING)

Hello, can you excuse me?

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

# Our hope for years to come

(WOMAN MUMBLING)

# Our shelter from the stormy blast

# And our eternal home

# Before the hills in order stood #

No soap. There's never any soap.

(BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

-Do I want to be sick?
-Huh?

No, no, not yet.

Hmm. You know, you remind me
of a stoker I once knew.

(TRUMPET BLOWING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(COUGHING)

My dear lady, I do assure you,

one is an old friend
of the leading actor.

We were at Cambridge together.
Young men together at university.

We've come such a long way,

one simply must
put one's head around the door.

(BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

My pass... My pass...

I'm sure I'm not the first person
to remark on your pronounced resemblance

to the late Ernest Bevin?
It is most striking.

You could be sisters.

(SIGHS) Oh, yes,
shocking likeness I know,

but quite amusing. Mmm-hmm.

One looks such a tremendous villain.

And I suppose one is.

Oh, uh, do hurry.
One is not feeling at all well.

(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, dear. Thank you.

(BUZZER BUZZING)

(GRUNTS) Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(PANTING)

(SIGHS) The drink, the drink.

It is the drink!

(VOMITING)

Aren't you feeling well?

(GRUNTS) Yes, thank you,
I'm perfectly all right...

(VOMITING)

Well, I'll... I'll get the woman.

I'm in a French farce.

Now run the tap, for God's sake.

-Oh, yeah.
-I wouldn't care,

but it's only the interval.

If you want to come around and be sick
you might at least save it

for the end of the performance.

(SIGHS) Oh, Pears soap.

(SNIFFING)

Who are you? And who's that boy outside?

Boy? Outside?

I don't know.
I haven't seen that one before.

Could I have one of these?

(SIGHS)

I love your frock.

You're very rude.
Are you from the Embassy?

Not exactly.

Well, there can't be many other
Englishmen in Moscow, who are you?

I was at Cambridge, with Hamlet.

Well, why don't we tell him you're here?
He's only down the corridor.

All in good time. The question is,
you see, are we as welcome as ever?

I know your face.

Craven A, for your throat's sake. Mmm.

Are you enjoying the play?

I'm adoring it.
I like the look of Laertes.

He goes rather well into tights.

Yes, that's what he thinks.

Looks as if he's put a couple
of King Edwards down there.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

How do you like Moscow?

Oh, I loathe it, darling.

I cannot understand what those
three sisters are on about.

It gives the play a very sinister slant.

WOMAN: (KNOCKING)
Act two begins, please.

Ah, a drink would help.

WOMAN: Begin with act two, please.

Don't you think you've had enough?
All right.

If you're not at the Embassy,
what do you do?

I liaise.

Are you press?

Sort of, yes.

You're not feeling sick again?

Uh, do you know, I think I am, rather.

Oh, God.

One of the few lessons
I've learned in life

is that when one is sick,
it is always in threes.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

WOMAN: Your call please, Miss Browne.

Yes, here it comes.

(VOMITING)

Oh, God! I will send somebody in.

WOMAN: Miss Browne, your call!

-I must go.
-Oh, God!

Do try to feel better. And go home.

(GRUNTING) Yes.

(SIGHS)

-Oh, I'm terribly sorry...
-Careless of me.

Guy.

Guy!

HAMLET: But I will delve one yard
below their mines, and blow them...

I'm having a dressing room to myself at
once. You have the manners of a cobra.

-That suits me fine. I'm delighted.
-Good. I'm very pleased...

(SHUSHING)

This man must set me packing.

I'll lug the guts
into the neighbour room.

Mother, good night, indeed.

This counsellor is now most still,
most secret and most grave...

-Where's Charles?
-HAMLET: Who was in life

a foolish prating knave.

Come, sir, to draw
toward an end with you.

You're cutting it fine, darling.

Guess who I've just seen
coming down the corridor?

-Who?
-Guy Burgess.

-Who?
-Guy Burgess, dear.

The spy. The missing diplomat.

Ah, my good lord,
what have I seen tonight!

What, Gertrude? How does Hamlet?

Guy Burgess?

How does Hamlet?

(SOFTLY) Mad as the sea...

Mad as the seas and wind
when both contend which is the mightier.

In his lawless fit,
behind the arras hearing something stir,

whips out his rapier,
cries, ''A rat, a rat!''

And in this brainish apprehension
kills the unseen good old man.

CLAUDIUS: Heavy deed!

It had been so with us,
had we been there.

His liberty is full of threats to all,

to you yourself, to us, to everyone.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I don't want my mind broadening.

I wouldn't have cabbage
for breakfast at home,

why should I eat cabbage
for breakfast here?

Well, it's a good job I like beetroot,

otherwise I should be going away
to skin and bone.

Don't push, madam.

-Mum must be the word, truly.
-Why?

Well, we don't want anyone
ringing The Express.

Gang way. If anyone's going
to eat tonight, knock on my door.

He's a lot fatter.

You knew him?

Oh, I used to run across him years ago,
the way one does, you know.

(SIGHING)

-You're rather that way, aren't you?
-What way?

Left.

Oh. I was. Everyone was in those days.

I liked him. Despite the fact
that he was sick in my basin.

Really?

-Oh, bags of charm.
-Yeah.

But you're right, I wouldn't set
The Express on my worst enemy.

-Drink?
-I'd love one.

It's gone. My drink!

My cigarettes.

My soap!

That stinker!

The bag's dropped.

Thank you.

BROWNE: Night cap?
CHARLES: Please!

Hot, hot, hot.

-Is your room hot?
-Boiling.

I'm sure it's all part of the cold war.

No plug at all.

(SIGHS) Secret store.

Oh!

Have you found any bugs?

-Come again?
-Bugs!

-Have you found any bugs?
-Bugs? No, mine's very clean.

Oh.

BROWNE: Wonderful rooms!
Every convenience.

CHARLES: I'll say.
BROWNE: But I have one complaint.

Oh, what is that, pray?

Well, in view
of the splendid achievements

of the Union
of Soviet Socialist Republics,

I think at least they might
run to a plug for the basin.

(LAUGHING)

What?

(SOFTLY) It's like playing Private Lives
to a Wednesday matinee in Oldham.

(CHUCKLES)

-I'll tell you something else.
-Mmm?

You can go off caviar.

(LAUGHING)

Who came?

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Thank you.

(BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Uh, please, how do I get there?

(BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Well, somebody must be able
to tell me how to get there.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

This is ridiculous. Haven't you got
a street directory? An A to Z?

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

-Well, uh... Can I get a taxi?
-WOMAN: No taxi.

-Are you in trouble?
-Oh, no. No.

Taxi!

(MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Excuse me, do you know where this is?

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Thank you.

(INAUDIBLE)

Well, I just wanted to know
where the place is.

How do I get there?

I thought that's what
embassies were for.

You have to remember,
the gentleman in question was a spy.

In England he'd be languishing in jail.

You'd rather languish in here, actually.

''Bring a tape measure.''

Bring a tape measure?

BROWNE: Mr Burgess
has asked me to lunch.

-With a tape measure?
-Watching his waistline.

Well, you can't stop me
from going to lunch,

it's a free country.

(SOFTLY) Or rather, it isn't.

Have lunch here. It's Tuesday.
It's kedgeree, it's delicious.

It's Tuesday, there's a kedgeree.

Tessa doesn't think
we take her seriously.

Was he a chum of yours?

He popped by my dressing room last night
and threw up in the basin.

It was love at first sight.

First impressions are always best.

You've never had any contact
with him before?

No.

You didn't meet him
when he was at the Foreign Office?

BROWNE: No.

-Or the BBC?
-No.

-What about Maclean?
-No!

Odd he should come
into your dressing room.

-Ladies aren't exactly his line.
-Are they yours?

Of course, if all he wanted
was to be sick, that would figure.

He was coming round
to see one of the actors.

Which one?

Not being paid by
The Daily Express, are you?

They're very keen to get a hold of him.

I should give up the idea.
Have lunch with us. Go on.

I have no intention
of having lunch with you.

He has asked me to call.

Do you know where this is?

Oh, Tessa doesn't know, do you, Tessa?

Well, Tessa's just too skinny.

Tessa's ambition is just marking time.

Until she gets her face
on the front page of Country Life.

After the advertisements.

(CHUCKLING) For gateleg tables.

Stalin is dead.

Exchanges are taking place.

You, the Old Vic.
Not overtures, I admit.

But the tuning up preparatory
to the overtures.

For the first time in 1 0 years,
we're on speaking terms.

Our friends the foe
are just beginning to play ball.

We don't want them
to take their bat home, do we?

Burgess and Maclean,
they're yesterday's breakfast.

We want to forget them.
The Russians want to forget them.

The thing is,
we don't want any fuss at this point.

No scenes.

This is grown-up stuff.

I am going to lunch.
A quiet little meal.

I am an actress.
All actresses are fools,

it's a well-established fact.

Why should there be any fuss?

May I just take the note?

Certainly not. The impudence!

Oh, do stay to lunch,
there'll be jokes.

Yes, Giles knows lots of jokes.

Only we've heard them all.
New people make such a change.

Well, Tessa wants you to stay.
Don't you, Tessa?

I think you're both shits!

One was only teasing! Oh, God!

That means we won't be
on speakers for a week.

Well, thank you for all your help.

Oh, don't bother to show me out.

Enjoy your kedgeree.

Show me that address.

Tessa!

Naughty.

(SIGHS) Sorry.

Oh...

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Thank you.

Excuse me?

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(MEN CHATTERING)

GUY: ''From the bank and from the river,
he flashed into the crystal mirror,

'''Tirra lirra,' by the river,
sang Sir Lancelot.

''She left the web, she left the loom,
she made three paces through the room,

''she saw the water-lilies bloom,

''she saw the helmet and the plume,
she looked down to Camelot.

''Out flew the web and floated wide.
The mirror cracked from side to side.

'''The curse is come upon me,'
cried The Lady of Shalott.''

I've trekked halfway
across Russia to get here.

Oh, dear!

I suppose that's my soap.

It is, it is, and very nice, too.

Now, do sit down.

What a splendid coat.

There we are.

I've just been tidying up.

There. Now, have a drink?

(CHUCKLING) You know, quite honestly,
I thought you'd chuck.

I nearly did. You steal my soap,
you steal my cigarettes,

you even stole my face powder.

I know, I know. One should have asked.
One is such a coward.

Well, hardly luxury's lap.
Quite a pigsty, in fact.

You know,
I used to live in Jermyn Street.

Tragic, you might think.
Well, not really.

That was a pigsty, too.

You know by their standards,
it's quite palatial. Even commodious.

One is very lucky.

BROWNE: If that's our lunch,
it's burning.

Oh, oh, dear. Oh, yes.

Can one salvage some of it,
do you think?

No.

(GUY EXCLAIMS)

Ah! All is not lost.
I managed to scrounge two tomatoes.

And, quite a talking point,
a grapefruit.

-Treats.
-Do sit down.

-Garlic?
-No, thank you.

I love it!

Well, tell me all the gossip.

Do you see Harold Nicolson?

I've, uh...
I've seen him, but I don't know him.

Oh! Nice man, nice man.

What about Cyril Connolly?
He's everywhere.

Well, I haven't run across him, either.

Oh! Somehow, one remembers
everyone knowing everyone else.

Everyone I knew knew everyone else.
Auden, do you know him?

Pope-Hennessy?

The theatre's in a terrible state.

Three plays closed
on Shaftesbury Avenue in one week.

Really?

Some ballet on ice is coming here.
The comrades are all agog about it.

I'm rather old-fashioned about ice.

I used to direct at Cambridge, you know.

One thinks back and wonders,
maybe one missed one's way.

You're not eating your tomato.

Well, I'm not hungry.

Oh, I am. Yum, yum. Mmm.

There.

-Mmm.
-Do you see many people here?

Oh, yes. Heaps of chums.

(SLURPING)

You don't know what you're missing
with this tomato.

BROWNE: There's your other half,
I suppose.

What? Oh, yes. Hmm.

He's a dab hand at the balalaika.
We play duets.

Maclean?

Maclean? Oh, no.

(LAUGHS)

Maclean is not my friend.
No, ducky, oh, no. No, no.

No, no, he's so unfunny.
No jokes, no jokes at all.

Positively the last person
one would have chosen,

may have one had the choice.

Yet here we are in this terrible
tandem together, you see?

Debenham and Freebody.

Crosse and Blackwell.

Auden and Isherwood.

Burgess and Maclean.

You know Auden?

You asked me. No.

Don't look.
The seeds get inside my plate.

You know, people ask me
if I have any regrets.

The one regret I have
is that before I came away

I didn't get myself fitted out with
a good pair of National Health gnashers.

Admirable as most things are
in the Soviet Socialist Republic,

making of dentures
is still in its infancy.

Hmm.

You know, there's nobody
in Moscow at all.

It's rather like staying up at Cambridge
for the Long Vac.

One makes do with whoever's around.

Me.

(LAUGHS) No, no, no, no, no.

Besides, now I asked
you here for a reason.

Did you bring a tape measure?

I want you to measure me for some suits,
from my tailor.

I only have one suit.
The one I came away in.

And I've fallen down a lot since then.

But I shan't know where to start.
What measurements will he want?

Oh, measure it all, he'll work it out.
He's a nice man.

Won't the people here get you a suit?

What people?

The authorities.

Oh, yes, but have you seen them?

Clothes have never been
the comrades' strong point.

Besides, I don't want to look
like everyone else, do I?

Now, I seem to remember doing this.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Your arms can't have changed.

You know, I never cared
tuppence about clothes before.

I was kitted out in the traditional
clothes of my class, you know.

Black coat, striped trousers,
pin-striped suit, tweeds for weekends.

Shit order, of course,
all was in shit order.

But charm, now, I always had charm.

Well, you still have charm.
She said through clenched teeth.

(LAUGHS)

Not here, not for them.

For charm one needs words,
I haven't words.

And short of my clothes, no class.

To them, I am the Englishman.

''Would you like to go to bed
with the Englishman?'' I say.

''Not really.''

How one got so spoiled during the war.
The joys of the blackout.

London awash with rude soldiery.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

-Do you speak Russian?
-I manage.

I ought to learn, simply for the sex.

Boys are quite thin on the ground here.

They can't speak my language,
I can't speak theirs,

so when one does get one it soon palls.

Sex needs language.

Well, at least you found a friend.

Well, I don't know whether
I've found one

or whether I've been allotted one.

And I... I know what I've done
to deserve him,

but what has he done to deserve me?

Am I a reward or a punishment?

He plays the balalaika
and I play the pianola.

It's fun.

He's an electrician with the ballet.

Of course, he might be a policeman.

If he is a policeman,
he does it jolly well.

Forster lived with a policeman,
didn't he? Do you know him?

I fear I'm somewhat of a disappointment
in the friends department.

Oh, no matter.

(CHUCKLING) You know,
no one will believe me when I go home.

''What did you do in Moscow, darling?''

''Nothing much.
I measured Guy Burgess' inside leg.''

(GUY LAUGHS)

I shouldn't think one's inside leg
alters much, would you?

One of the immutables.

''The knee is such a distance
from the main body,

''whereas the groin,
as your Honour knows,

''is upon the very curtain of the place.''

Come again?

Tristram Shandy.

Of course, you wouldn't do that,
would you?

Do what?

Go around telling everybody.

My people here wouldn't like that.

No?

No.

A hat would be nice.

Seven and five-eighths.
Now, I'll write down the name of my...

I have it here, and,
oh, and my bootmaker, too.

Oh, it's a trousseau.

(CHUCKLES) Yes,
for the shotgun marriage.

Look, how do you know he won't say no?

-Hmm?
-Your tailor.

It would be vulgar to say no.
He won't say no.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh, you're not going yet, are you?

You don't want to go yet, do you?

Well, couldn't we go somewhere?
You could show me the sites.

Uh... Well, I can't go out yet,
I have to wait for a telephone call.

When the telephone call comes,
I'm permitted to leave.

Who from?

Oh, you know, my people.

It's generally around four.

That's another two hours.

Never mind.
I'll play you my Jack Buchanan record.

(WHO PLAYING)

(HUMMING)

# Who stole my heart away

# Who makes me dream all day

# Dreams I know can never be true

# Seems as though I'll ever be blue

# Who means my happiness

# Who would I answer yes to

# Well, you ought to guess who

# No one but you #

Good, isn't it?
Do you want to hear it again?

-You just have the one?
-Just the one.

What's on the other side?

Oh, you don't want to listen
to the other side.

The other side's rubbish.
I never listen to the other side.

(WHO PLAYING)

# Who stole my heart away... #

What do you miss most?

Well, um... Apart from the Reform Club,
the streets of London

and occasionally
the English countryside,

I think the only thing
I really miss is gossip.

The comrades,
though splendid in every other respect,

don't gossip in quite the way we do,

or about quite the same subjects.

Well, pardon me for saying so, dear,
but the comrades seem to me to be

a sad disappointment
in every department.

There's no gossip,
their clothes are terrible,

they can't make false teeth,
what else is there?

The system.

Though, being English,
you wouldn't be interested in that.

What do people say about me in England?

They don't say much any more.

I thought of you
as a bit like Oscar Wilde.

(GUY LAUGHS)

No, no.

Though he was a performer,
and I was a performer.

Both vain.

But I never pretended.

If I wore a mask,
it was to be exactly what I seemed.

And as for the other, well,
I made no bones about the other.

But my analysis of situations,

the precis I had to submit to the
Foreign Office were always Marxist,

openly so, impeccably so.

But nobody minded.

''It's only Guy, dear old Guy.
Quite safe.''

If you don't wish
to conform in one thing,

you must conform in all the others.

And in all important things,
I did conform.

''How can he be a spy?
He goes to my tailor.''

The average Englishman, you see,
is not interested in ideas.

Say what you like about
political theory, no one will listen.

You could shove a whole slice
of The Communist Manifesto

into the Queen's Speech,
nobody would turn a hair.

Least of all, I suspect, HMQ.

(SCRAPING METAL)

Am I boring you?

Doesn't matter.

(PIANO PLAYING)

I'll think of 1 01 things
to ask you when you've gone.

How is Cyril Connolly?

You asked me that. I don't know.

(MUSIC STOPS)

So little, England.

Little music, little art.

(CHUCKLES) Timid, tasteful, nice.

Yet one loves it. Loves it.

You see, I can say I love London
and I can say I love England.

I can't say I love my country.

I don't know what that means.

Do you watch cricket?

No.

Anyway, it's changed.

Cricket?

London.

Why? I don't want it to change.

Why does anybody want to change it?

They've no business changing it.
The fools!

You should stop them changing it,
band together.

Listen, dear. I'm only an actress.

I'm not a bright lady,
by your standards.

I've never been much
interested in politics

but if this is communism,
I don't like it because it's dull.

The poor things look so tired.

Some people think Australia's dull.

And that's not communism.
And look at Leeds.

Only it occurs to me
that we've sat here all afternoon

pretending that spying,

which is what you did, my darling,

was just a minor social misdemeanour.

No worse, oh and I'm sure
in some people's minds much better

than being caught in a public lavatory,

the way gentlemen
in my profession constantly are.

But it's just something
we shouldn't mention,

out of politeness.

So that we won't be embarrassed.

(BROWNE LAUGHS)

That's very English.

We'll pretend it hasn't happened
because we're both sensible people.

Well,

I'm not English, I'm not sensible,

I'm an Australian.

I can't muster much morality.

And outside Shakespeare,
the word ''treason'' to me means nothing.

Only you pissed in our soup,
and we drank it.

Well, very well.

It doesn't affect me, darling.

I will order your suit and your hat.

And I'll keep it under mine.
Mum, not a word.

But for one reason,

I'm sorry for you.

Now, in your book,

in your real book,

that probably adds my name to the list
of all the other fools you've conned.

But you're not conning me, darling.

I know.

Pipe isn't fooling pussy.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Pity. I was enjoying that.

You spoiled the lady's big speech.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

I just want to be told why.

At the time, I thought
it was the right thing to do.

-And solitude, I suppose.
-Oh, solitude!

If you have a secret, you're alone.

But you told people,
you told several people.

No point in having a secret
if you make a secret of it.

Actually, the other thing you might
get me is an Old Etonian tie.

This one's on its last legs.

Ah, here's Tolya.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Ah, yes. Now, this is Miss Browne.

She's an actress from England.

How do you do?

-How do you do?
-Very good.

If you give him a cigarette,
an English cigarette,

he'll be your friend for life.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Hmm.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Ah.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Oh, dear. Sorry.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) No.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

No, no, please.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Please.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

He's a real Queen Mary.

You couldn't order him a suit,
could you, too?

He'd look so nice.

Anything. Anything.

Hey, Guy, Guy.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Uh... Tolya wants to play you a tune.

Uh, do let him, he'll be so pleased.

(STRUMMING)

Gilbert and Sullivan.

# Take a pair of sparkling eyes

# Hidden ever and anon

# In a merciful eclipse

# Do not heed their mild surprise

# Having passed the Rubicon

# Take a pair of rosy lips...

What do you think? Reward or punishment?

# Be particular in this

# Take a tender little hand

# Fringed with dainty fingerettes

# Press it #

BROWNE: Where are we going?

GUY: Church.

You like church? I adore it.

This one, the singing is very good.

The opera singers are in the choir,
warming up for the evening performance.

That's, uh, not another friend?

Oh, good God no.

(CHUCKLES) You know,
when I first came here

I was shadowed
by a rather grand policeman.

That was when I was a celebrity.

Nowadays they just send the trainees.

Ironic, that.

Good afternoon.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Not strong on irony, the comrades.

Did you know Jack Buchanan?

Yes, I suppose.

We nearly got married.

BROWNE: It's strange.

Sybil Thorndike loved it.

(CHOIR HARMONISING)

(MAN SINGING)

I gave you the old mum's number,
didn't I?

Yes.

I...do like it here.

Don't tell anyone I don't.

And thanks again, in advance.

BROWNE: Is that Mrs Burgess?

My name is Coral Browne,

I've just seen Guy in Moscow,
he asked me to call you.

MRS BURGESS: How is he looking?
BROWNE: Oh, he's looking fine.

I do wish I could see him.

(CHUCKLES) The old scamp.

Won't you go over again?
I know he'd love to see you.

I don't think I could now,
I've got this stupid hip.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, maybe they'll let him
come back sometime.

He shouldn't have to stand
in the corner for the rest of his life.

It is seven years. People are silly.

MAN: Let me see? Turn round.

Yes. Yes, well, it is fractionally
too short on the left.

We can easily alter that.

You've really altered very little
over the years, you know.

Credit. Good.

Now, if you'd like to try the trousers,
which we've had no problems with at all,

and now there's this, which has got
a fair amount of work to be done...

I'll be with you in a moment!
That's fine, I think.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Yes, madam, can I help you?

Good morning.
I'd like to order some suits.

Certainly, ma'am, do sit down.

You've made suits
for the gentleman before,

but now he lives abroad.

I see.

I took his measurements.

I don't know if they're quite right.

(CHUCKLES)

Let me see.

Oh, yes.
Yes, these are more than adequate.

Uh, could we know the gentleman's name?

Burgess.

I seem to remember that we had, uh...

We had two Mr Burgesses.

This, I take it, is Mr Burgess, G.

How is Mr Burgess?

(CHUCKLES) Fatter, I see.

He was one of our more
colourful customers.

Too little colour in our
drab lives these days.

Mr Guy favoured this pattern.

It's a... It's a durable fabric.

His suits were meant to take
a good deal of punishment.

They have stood him
in good stead, I hope?

Oh, yes, they have indeed.

I am glad to hear it.

Always getting into
such scrapes, Mr Guy.

And your name is?

Browne.

There's no need
for discretion here, madam.

(CHUCKLES) No, truly.

My apologies.

And this is the address?

We put a little of ourselves
into our suits,

that is our loyalty.

And mum's the word.

Mum is always the word here, madam.

Moscow or Maidenhead,
mum is always the word.

Baldwin, Brooks...

(MUMBLING)

Burgess...

Burgess, Burgess, Burgess,

Burgess.

No.

-I'll call back later.
-Burgess, Burgess, Burgess.

5807.

Well, if you'd care to follow me
into the bowels of the Earth,

we'll see what we can find.

5807...

This is the Mr Burgess
who got into hot water?

George!

Yes.

BOOTMAKER: 5807... 5807...

(BOOTMAKER CLEARS THROAT)

It's a graveyard.

On the contrary, madam, these are all
very much alive and, indeed, kicking.

5807...

From time to time
we do have a little bonfire.

George, 5807.

GEORGE: Ah, excuse me, sir.

Well, he's a very long way from home.

I thought he was done with.

George is quite ruthless.

(CHUCKLES)

Here we are.

''GB.''

Great Britain.

I wish you'd told me so at the time,

I'd have liked to have seen
the old thing again.

Well, he wanted me
to take you out to lunch.

-Oh!
-Sent me a cheque.

Oh!

I'm not sure that I shall cash it.

Oh, to Guy.

Did you have any trouble
getting him the stuff?

Oh, no, no, no.

Nobody batted an eyelid,
why should they?

It's all been sent off.

Only now he's written
asking for some pyjamas.

-Hmm?
-Look.

WOMAN: Goodbye, Mario.
MAN: Goodbye, madam.

''What I really need, honestly,
the only thing more is pyjamas.

''Ration ones can't be slept in,
are not in fact made for that purpose.

''What I would like is four pair...''

Oh!

''White or off-white and navy blue silk,

''quite plain,
and under those two colours.

''And at last my outfit will be complete

''and I shall look like
a real agent again.''

What?

''Then I shall look like
a real gent again.''

Oh.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, I think the pyjamas
are going to have to be it.

BROWNE: Otherwise,
little Dolly Drop-drawers

will be shop, shop, shop
until the cows come home.

CHARLES: Or till the revolution comes.

I'm afraid this gentleman no longer
has an account with us, madam.

-His account was closed.
-I know, but he wishes to open it again.

I'm afraid that is impossible.

-Why?
-Well...

We supply pyjamas to the royal family.

So?

The gentleman is a traitor, madam.

So? Must traitors sleep in the buff?

I am sorry,
we have to draw the line somewhere.

Well, why at this?

Suppose someone commits adultery
in your precious pyjamas,

and I imagine it has occurred,

what happens when he orders
his next pair of jim-jams?

Is it, ''Sorry, no can do''?

-I am very sorry.
-You keep on saying you're sorry!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

You were quite happy to satisfy this man

when he was one of the most
notorious buggers in London.

And a drunkard into the bargain.

Oh, yes. But then he was
somebody in the Foreign Office.

''A little red piping on the sleeve,
Mr Burgess? Of course.

''A discreet monogram on the pocket,
Mr Burgess? Oh, yes, certainly.''

''And if there's anything else
you require, Mr Burgess,

''we'd be only too happy to ease
down your pin-striped trousers

''and perform it!''

(CLEARS THROAT)

But not any more.

Look, madam, I don't know
why you're doing this for him.

But as far as we are concerned,

Mr Burgess is a client
we are well rid of.

Ours is a highly respectable firm.

(SCOFFING) Highly respectable!

It's pigs like you that make me
understand why he went!

Thank Christ I'm not English!

As a matter of fact, madam, our firm
isn't English in origin, either.

Oh? What is it?

Hungarian.

I see.

Well, you can't object if I buy
an Old Etonian tie.

For cash, naturally.

It's for the Archbishop
of Canterbury's mother.

(HUMMING)

# That he is an Englishman

(FOR HE IS AN ENGLISHMAN PLAYING)

CHORUS: # That he is an Englishman

MAN: # For he might have been a Roosian

(HUMMING)

#A French, or Turk, or Proosian

# Or perhaps Ita-lian!

CHORUS: # Or perhaps Ita-lian!

MAN: # But in spite of all temptations

# To belong to other nations

# He remains an Englishman!

# He remains an Englishman!

MAN: # But in spite of all temptations

# To belong to other nations

# He remains an Englishman!

# He remains an Englishman!

# For he himself has said it

#And it's greatly to his credit

# That he is an Englishman!

# That he is an Englishman! #