All language subtitles for A Black Lady Sketch Show 103 ENG

- Yeah, baby,
so that's the real reason why

I think Eminem
should say "nigga."

- Oh, my God.

That's my high school
band teacher, Ms. Johnson.

Hey...

So weird.

I went to vacation bible school
with that girl.

- Mm-hmm.

- Dewayne?
- Mm-hmm?

- What is happening?

- And one and two

and three and four
and four and five and six.

- Oh.
Oh, my God.

What did you do?

- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

And they shimmy, shimmy,
shimmy, and jump, jump.

They gonna upjump, baby.
Look at that.

Yeah, hands to the sky.

♪ ♪

- When did everybody learn...
Should I know this...

- Come here.
- Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah.

Asia Naomi Campbell,
will you marry me?

- Nigga, what the fuck
is wrong with you?

Why would you propose?
You just lost your job.

- Surprise!

I quit my job to devote myself

to organizing this flash mob
full-time.

- You quit?
You told me you got fired.

I cussed out your boss.

- It's a viral proposal!
It's what you always wanted.

- No, what I always wanted

was to find a black lady
therapist in-network,

but I guess I dream too big.

- Darling!

- Mom?
- Isn't this just everything?

Your mother is going to be
on the YouTube,

and they are gonna love me.

- Mom, what are you doing here?

You called him "that fuckboy"
just last week.

- And yesterday.
Hey, bestie.

- Sweetheart,
you know how I feel

about the art of the dance.

Anyway, when your fuckboy here
called me and asked me

to choreograph this
very special proposal for you,

how could I say no?

- Bam!
- Whoa, that is huge.

You can't afford that.
- But we can.

I put everything on
a credit card in both our names.

Oh!

- Honey, don't be rude.

This fine young man is trying
to do something nice for you.

- Dad?

- I found Clarence
up on Facebook.

- Hey, sugarfoot.
- What are you doing here?

You abandoned us 12 years ago.

- Well...
- I did not know that.

- It's true.

I figured since
you were getting married,

you probably wanted
to have your father here.

- Okay, first of all,
I am not getting married.

Secondly, I never want you
anywhere, ever.

- See?

That kind of attitude's
why you can't get a man.

- There's one proposing to me
right now!

Energy!

- Okay.

I'm sorry, everyone, it's just...

We've only been dating
for, like, three months.

- Oh, sweetheart,
your father proposed to me,

we'd only been dating
for three days.

- Tiffany, you hate Dewayne.

You tried to set me up with one
of your coworkers last week.

- He is garbage,
but this is a dream come true,

and I love to dance.

- That's right, bitch.
You do be loving to dance.

She do love to dance.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, the rest of y'all,
none of you like him.

Okay, he... he doesn't eat
vegetables.

His fingernails stay dirty.

He says "irregardless."

- And I do not
return text messages.

- Why would any of you
participate in this?

- It is your 35th birthday
next month.

- Oh, so now you remember
my birthday.

Shut the fuck up, Clarence!

Everybody, this is over.

Go to Cheesecake Factory
or something, except for you.

You disappear
from my life again.

- Baby! Baby.

- You called my mom?
- I...

- Honey.
Honey.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ All the hot girls
make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag
say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking
'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho,
tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho,
huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪

♪ All the hot girls
make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag
say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking
'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho,
tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪
- ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪
- ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho,
huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho,
get a bag, ho ♪

♪ Ah ♪

- I'll put my foot in these
canned green beans.

I don't know what
y'all talking about.

Tastes like it.

- Yes, you did.
- Well, get used to it.

- Mm, guys, I miss my man.

- Girl, which one?

My main one, Kevin.

- Oh, no.
- I miss men in general.

- We haven't even been here
a full day.

Y'all some thirsty bitches.

- Hey, hey, Kevin was
a good boyfriend, okay?

Now, he stole my car one time,
but he brought that shit back.

With a girl in it.

- Aww.
- You have bad taste in men.

That's why I only date
tall dudes, okay?

They're confident,
so they don't need to cheat.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- What?

- Have you never heard
of the NBA?

- Thank you.

- Okay, that's why
I like my men exactly 5'6".

No more, no less.

- Mm-mm.
- What?

This short queen stans
for her short, faithful kings.

- Okay, you know what I like?
Big feet.

Ooh.

- Oh, no, no, no,
not for dick reasons.

I like to share shoes.
I wear a men's size 12.

- Fascinating.
- You shouldn't tell, baby.

- I prefer no feet!

I don't want them
to be able to walk away.

- Oh.

- And I love a man
with big, thick arms.

- Four of them
so he can two jobs.

Nice teeth, huh?

- Oh, but with a gap.
- Ooh, a bald head.

- Oh, and big, hairy back.
- Ooh, girl.

- I don't care.
Judge me.

- I got it.
This is y'all's dream dude.

- Aww, don't laugh.
He look just like Kevin.

- See, that's your problem.
- Yeah, what's up with you?

- You got bad taste.
- I cut her off.

- The Reefs have an exciting
year of gangbanging ahead of us.

Blippity-blippity.

All: Scat-scat-scat.

- But first,
let's murk these announcements.

This year,
we're excited to announce

that you can now work from home
two days a week

as part of our new
tele-bang policy.

Oh, oh.

- And we're increasing
our paid parental leave

from four months to six months.

- Oh!
- Ah, shit.

- Lowering my risk of postpartum
like a motherfucker.

- And just to be clear,

we're not calling it
"maternity leave" anymore,

because we don't want to be
complicit in enforcing

a cisnormative agenda, blippity.

All: Scat-scat-scat.

- Now, we got a few
new members here today.

So let's start off
with a little icebreaker.

State your name,
where you're from,

and one positive thing you hope
to get out of being in the gang.

Young blippity?

You first.

- Okay, um...

Hi, everybody.
My name Jess.

Um, I'm originally from Houston,

but no, I don't know Beyoncé.

- You wild.

You wild.
- Um...

I'm just really happy
to be here.

You know what I'm saying?

I think that's it.

- Hold up!

I asked you to include
a positive tidbit.

- Oh, my bad, um,

I'm just really trying
to get back...

- No, you were too busy
being a comedian.

And since you don't want to
follow instructions,

I'm assigning your mark ass to
the corner of 3rd and Bonaparte.

- Aww.
- 3rd and Bonaparte?

But that corner
stay in the shade.

I'll be cold.

- Pack a light jacket, buster.

Don't let this 401 fool you.

I'll still fuck you up.

- Okay, bad, blippity.

- Now, please note
that after this meeting,

We will be taking a tour
of Reef territory,

including all
of our satellite corners.

Shelly will be giving
assignments

to all of our new members,

while Wanda "Yikes" over here

will keep her same
breezy-ass corner.

All right, who next?

State your name
and your goals for trappin'.

- Shanedra.

♪ ♪

- Why you sitting there
looking all blippity stupid?

- You asked me my name.
Shanedra.

- I also asked for your goals.

- Oh.
To bang.

- Okay, you too cool?

You can't introduce yourself
with enthusiasm?

You been a Reef for,
what, five minutes?

You already trying to stunt?

You didn't even finish
your start paperwork, homey.

You think you hard?

Finish an I-9 without looking
at your driver's license, nigga.

That's hard, nigga!

What?
Oh.

Okay. Okay.

Why don't you take
your tough ass

and wash our delicates?

That's nasty, though!

- Yeah, be sure
to use an unscented,

toxin-free detergent.

Nigga got eczema.

Next.

- Oh, is it my turn?
Tee-hee-hee.

- What the fuck do you mean,
"Is it my turn,

tee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee," huh?

What part of "next"
don't you understand?

Some... mm,
somebody about to get fired,

and I mean fired-fired.

Don't kill her!

- No!
- Don't kill her!

- Kill her?

The only thing about to die
is her career.

Yeah, take your gun,

the motivational posters,

and don't even think about
a severance package!

- Oh.

- Monster.com.

Where even mark-ass busters
get hired.

And we mean hired hired.

Choir: ♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Take me
to the higher ground ♪

- In Jesus' name, amen.

All: Amen.

- Now, before I rebaptize

everybody I caught out
in the club last night,

does anybody have a prayer
request or testimonial?

Please feel free to bring it
forward in Jesus' name.

Uh, Sister Keisha?

All right.

- Praising Father God,
who is the head of my life.

All: Amen.

- Now,
I'm asking the congregation

to pray for me
and my stand-up comedy career

'cause it is a challenge
to find open mic time.

Hey, speaking of challenges...

You ever be on a airplane and
they serve you some wack food?

What's that like?
You rich.

Shit, I only fly "Southworst."
- Wha... ooh.

You know what I'm saying?

Okay, what else?
What else?

Let me think.
Look at Pastor.

Preachers be preaching!

- Black people pray like this.
- "Oh, Father God."

- Well, white people
pray like this.

Hey, you ever had a nigga
put you in the friend zone?

- Well, what a friend
we have in Jesus.

- The friend zone!

- And His zone is in heaven.
- But I was killing it.

- Well, you were killing,
all right.

You was dead on arrival.

Now, does anybody have
an actual prayer request?

Please come forward.
Come on, sister.

All: Yeah.
- Amen.

Morning, saints.
- Morning.

- I have a testimony.

You can take my résumé out

of the church bulletin because

I just got a new job
in market research.

Hey!

Amen!

Won't He do it.

But I still need prayer.
Mm-hmm.

I'd like to ask
our Heavenly Father...

how many of y'all drink Sprite?

Ooh, Lord.

Mm, mm, mm.

Praise the Lord.

And with those of you
who did not raise your hand,

would you be more willing
to drink Sprite

if you saw it drunk
in a commercial

by the likes
of Ms. Angela Bassett?

Ooh, okay.

Thank you for your pray... oh.

Amen.

- Amen.
- Hallelujah!

Praise God.

Thank you, Pastor.
Thank you.

Church,
I want to ask you to please

pray for my daughter Kiley.

- Yes.
Take your time.

- She needs a man!

Anybody here today

that is single
and has good credit,

raise your hand
and shout unto the heavens!

Hallelujah!

Yes, Lord.

I'm looking at you,
local Denzel...

All tall, dark, and fine,

sitting there in the third row.

Yeah, I see you.

Find your way to my baby's DM.

Her Twitter is...
- Oh, okay, all right.

- And Facebook her, okay?
Fa... no.

Like her on the 'gram.
- All right, all right.

- Like her pictures
on the 'gram, baby.

All right.

Now,

let's let anything
that's breathing

please stay on topic,

and if we have any of God's
obedient creatures in the house,

let them come forward.

Oh, Lord.

- Lord, please.

Help my daughter to sell
these damn Girl Scout cookies

so she can go on
this camping trip.

For the Lord said unto them,

"Come get these Thin Mints."
Amen.

- Church, I need y'all to pray,

follow, and turn on
your post notifications

for my popular Instagram page,
@TheBlackGirlTraveler.

And using my offer code,

you can pray for 20% off

at the Palm Springs
Resort and Spa.

- All right,
this altar is not here

for no spon-con, amen.

It's not here for no comedy,
hallelujah.

It's not here for
no Thin Mints and Trefoils.

Can I get a witness?
- Yeah!

- Does anybody up in here
need a prayer?

Come on.

- My name James,
and I need a prayer.

- Well, you go ahead on, son.

- All right.
- Wow.

Here I am in church,

making a prayer request
to y'all.

Very memorable.

Matter of fact,
if somebody were to ask you,

"Where was James Arthur Kelly
at 2:45,

July 25th, Sunday afternoon?"

You'd be able to say, "Officer,

"he was in church all morning

and certainly not anywhere
near 1st Street."

- Uh, can somebody
call the police?

Choir: ♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Take me
to the higher ground ♪

- Ugh, so I was on a first date

with this dude,
and he asked that, you know,

corny line that dudes
love to ask.

"Why's a girl like you..."
both: "Still single?"

- Oh, my God.
- Mm.

- So I said,
"Why are you still single?"

This nigga said, "I'm not.
I'm married."

Yes.

Turns out married dudes
love to hit on fat chicks.

- I heard that.
- Damn.

- Yeah, I told it to you.
- You did tell me.

- But I have a thing
for mature men.

- Okay.
- I could be into this.

- One time,
I went out with a man.

- Yeah.
- He was 30 years older than me.

- 30 years?
- That's old.

- On our first date,

he told me how he integrated
his high school.

Ew!

- Come on, it was really
actually informative.

- Okay, I am all down
for civil rights,

but that is too "muh-tour"
for me, okay?

Although I do like
to learn something,

'cause most of the men
I date are dumb.

- Yeah, we've met them.

- One time, I went out with this
fine personal trainer, right?

So we sat down to eat,

and he was like, "Oh,
it's so sad what happened...

"all them people died in that
'toot-sami' in Indonesia.

Like, that 'toot-sami'
was such a disaster."

- I'm sorry, "toot-sami"?
- Yeah.

So I was like, "Hey.
I don't want to correct you,

but it's pronounced
'tsunami.'"

- Girl, what he say?
- Girl, so he took...

Let me see your hand.

He took my hand, put his hand
over mine and was like,

"Oh, no.
There's a T."

Uh-uh.

- So dumb.
- Look, home training.

I like my niggas home-trained.
- Please.

Yes, yes.
- Okay?

- Yeah, hit that.
- Trust, girl.

- Look,
I went out with this guy,

and I was doing
a low-carb thing at the time.

- Mm-hmm.

- But my salmon came with
mashed potatoes and spinach.

But instead of mashed potatoes,

I was gonna get
another vegetable.

- Right.
- I was going to.

But when the waiter starts
going over my vegetable options,

this dude goes, "Actually,
I'll take her mashed potatoes."

- No!
- What?

- Mind you, his meal came
with mashed potatoes too.

- No.
- So he had his mashed potatoes.

- And your mashed potatoes.
- And my mashed potatoes.

- Greedy motherfucker.

- And then in the middle
of the meal,

he asked for a to-go box.

- Uh-uh.

- And proceeds to box up
my mashed potatoes.

- In the middle of the meal?
- Oh, no!

- And...
- What?

- We split the check.

- Who raised him?
- No!

- That's where you messed up.

- You let him hit, though?

- Yeah, I mean, what that got
to do with what I just said?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- Kwame was my wingman
at the Senior Step Show,

but he stepped off
with Hannah's heart.

In another life,
this could've been my wedding.

Ha-ha, it's... it's funny.

I'm fine.
To Hannah and Kwame.

- Come on, Brian.

You knew you never
had a chance with me.

All right.

It's time for a toast
from the maid of honor,

my sister, Hailey.

- Peace, brothers and sisters.

You know, I'm emancipated
from that slave name.

I've told you many times
via group text.

Address me as Dr. Haddassah
Olayinka Ali-Youngman.

- You can't just put "Dr."
in front of your name, Hailey.

Only Oprah can do that for you.

- Congrats to the newlyweds,

Kwame and my beloved
baby sister,

who still embraces
her devil name, Hannah.

See, see, Hannah reduces
to "Ha" and "Nah"...

"Ha" being the laughter
of our oppressors,

and "Nah," she shouldn't
be using that name.

- Oh, Lord.

It's gonna be Aunt Maybelle's
funeral all over again.

- That's why I choose to
exalt her with her Igbo name,

Nkechi Amare Diallo.

- What?

That's Rachel Dolezal's
counterfeit African name.

- No, no, no, no.

See, see, see,
we are reclaiming that name

back from
the edgeless white woman

who pretended
to be a black woman

just to get that name from us.

They always plotting.

- See?
I told you she was crazy.

- You didn't tell me
she was deep.

- See, see, this blood diamond
on your finger

is just a symbol
of your ideological entrapment.

Ring, ring.
Slavery's calling.

- You promised
you wouldn't do this.

And that doesn't make any sense.

- No, what doesn't make sense
is y'all jumping the broom.

- Hailey!
Now is not the time.

- Well, how many
Caucasian seconds must pass

before it's time for me
to speak the truth?

Open your ears to blow
your mind, original people.

Jumping the broom
was not something

our continental ancestors did,
no.

There weren't even brooms
in Africa

because there was no dirt.

See, see, see, see, see,

the Europeans just put sticks
in our hands,

even though they had been using
vacuum cleaners

since the Middle Ages.

Think about it.

Dyson breaks down
to "die, son."

They want us
to kill our children.

They tried to humiliate us!

- I'm humiliated.

- The truth is...

You two have
a beautiful black love

that most people
would be elated to find.

- Whoo! Praise him.

- Although what me and my king
Supreme Rahmeek have

transcends your
earthly definition of love.

Yeah, see, we exchanged our vows

on the ancestral plane
amongst Vibranium,

not down here
on your earthly plane.

Also, he refuses to marry me
on this plane for tax reasons.

- Oh, shit.
Do taxes work like that?

- Mm-hmm.

- So technically,
on this plane, she's single.

- But in your ignorance,
dear brother-in-law,

I find a beautiful opportunity

to educate the newest member
of our family.

So please, everyone,

raise your glasses,
take off your shoes,

and throw your pork
on the floor.

- That's it!

Girl, if you don't sit your
5% ass 100% of the way down,

I'm cutting off
your inheritance, Hailey.

- Okay, Daddy.

- So does Supreme Rahmeek
let you have friends?

- Yeah, he do.

No, we're not even...

Who's gonna make cheese, you?

- Yeah, I'll do it.
Hell, yeah.

Oh, no.

No.
That's it.

If we survived,

then surely at least
one man survived.

So I'm gonna find him

and I'm gonna call him Kevin.

- Okay, guys...
- Kevin!

- She bought us Beyoncé tickets

back when we couldn't afford
actual lemonade.

We can't just let her go.

Yes, we can.

Whoo! Ow.

She just went in the closet.

- Okay.

- ♪ There's no place
like home ♪

I mean, no place, child.

- Mm.

I can't believe we owe 35 years
of back taxes on this place

since we bought the building.

- Oh, is it that bad, Mary?

I kept watching
the bills pile up,

but I didn't think
they were serious.

Well, of course
they're serious, Rose.

Shoot, if I wanted
to give my money away

with nothing to show for it,

I'd just donate to Calvin's
fake basketball team.

- Calvin's team not fake.

They just awful.

- Sorry, Pearl.

At least we have each other.

I shouldn't even be complaining.

- But it's what you do best.

That's why I never worked.
Not a day in my life.

No job, no taxes.

- It's my fault, Mary,

but if anyone can fix it,
it's you.

- Yeah, I'll figure it out.

I've seen ugly times before.

- Yeah, but what's your face
got to do with your finances?

- Morning, Pearl.
Morning, Rose.

Mary.

Oh, why the long face, Mary?

You just find out
Luther Vandross died?

- No.

If you must know,
we could lose 227.

We're in deep tax trouble.

- Ooh, that happened to me once.

I was dating
this shady accountant.

He was a nerdy man,
but he had a big ledger,

if you know what I'm saying.

- Everyone knows what
you're saying, Sandra.

She's talking about
his actual ledger, right?

- So anyway,

we were about to do the nasty
one day, right,

and a couple of goons
show up to his house.

And they're like,
"Pay us what you owe, Cletus."

And I'm like, "Don't hurt me!
I'm an innocent bystander!"

But obviously,
I wasn't standing, eoww!

- Does this story have a point?

'Cause I'd love to stab
my eye out with it.

- The point is,

Cletus just sold his kidney and
got those guys off his back.

And you'll be okay too, Mary..

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Now somebody call me a Lyft.

I've had too many
backseat hookups

that I have a bad rating.
Oh.

- See you tonight, honey.

- Oh, Lester.

I need to talk to you.

- Not now, Mary.
I'm late for work.

- No, it's important.
- What is it, baby?

- I need money.

Well, we need money...
Lots of it.

- That's it.

Reel him in real slow-like.

- Mary,
I don't have time for this.

- Lester Jenkins, I'm tired
of you blowing me off.

We barely speak anymore.

Now, I really need
to talk to you,

and you're not gonna
ignore me one more minute.

- I can't do this.

Mary, there is something
you need to know.

I'm leaving you for Sandra.

- What?
- What?

- Ooh.
Calvin, come see this.

- I'm sorry, Mary.

- Sorry, Mary.

- What is happening?

- This.

- Oh, thank God
it was only a dream.

Mary.
Mary, wake up.

You won't believe
the nightmare I just ha...

Oh.
Jesus Lord.

It was just a dream.
Oh.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,
wake up.

Oh.

Oh, thank goodness
it was a dream.

Well,

I guess I better
stop drinking before bed.

I mean, no place, child.

Oh, Lester,
I need to talk to you.

- Not now, Mary.
I'm late for work.

Mary.

- And so does my stool.

- Mary, put your stuff
back up there.

God.

- I mean fired-fired.

Oh, no!

Don't... don't... come on, now.

- Kill her?

- Fuck, I need to yell before
you can end on "kill," right?

Queen India. Arie said it best.

There is no substitute
for the truth.

Either it is, or it isn't.

Sometimes I shave my legs.
Sometimes I don't.

- Pearl, what'd I say
about leaving the window open?

- Oops! Sorry, Dad.

- It's okay, baby.

If your sheets are any color
other than white, you dirty.

I'll be a dirty ho then.
Burgundy sheets for life.

♪

Oh no.
We're about to get catcalled.

- We don't know that.
- Let's twerk for him.

The only thing worse

than being catcalled
is an unnoticed twerk.

See something you like?

You, uh, greased up
them shin bottoms just for me.

- Oh, I did more than that.
- What's your name, darlin'?

Viva Atwood.
But I'd rather be "on wood."

All Glee songs are better
than the original.

- Oh...
- That's psychotic.

So, I shouldn't mention
that I think

Britney Spears' "My Prerogative"
is better than Bobby Brown's?

♪