All language subtitles for accepted_English

Everyone,
have your money ready.
We only have so much time.

Okay, say, "Cheers!"
Cheers.

Say, "Beer!"
Beer!

Say, "Cheers!"

Glen, you got to take
that shirt off, pal.

Why?

Hands, you wanna
field this one?

Uh, dude, you're getting
a fake ID

and you're wearing
a shirt that says
you're in high school.

So?

Okay, whatever.
I'll fix it later.

Just do
what you were doing.

Give me
some nice cat things.

- B!
- Oh, hey, Schrader.

What the hell
is going on here?

Relax, pal.

Five percent goes
to your favorite charity.

Uh, I forgot to tell you,
I borrowed your keys.

You borrowed my keys?
Come on.

Well, I needed them.
Ow.

We're providing
a vital service
to America's youth here.

Could we get
the next in line, please?
No, we're not. Stay there!

We're contributing to
the delinquency of minors, B.

Do you know
what will happen to me
if I get caught?

Every day
after eighth period,

Vice Principal Matthews
comes in here.

He picks up
the women's fitness magazine

and he snaps one off!

Are you serious?
Yes.

That is a problem.

Uh, okay, well,
we still have the rest
of eighth period, right?

So, we'll just
pack everybody up
and get out of here.

Okay, let's go!

Shit!

Gaines! Gaines! Gaines!

Okay, good, good.

Ah, wonderful!
Vice Principal Matthews!

So glad you could join us!

What the hell is this?

It's Glee Club
practice, sir.

We're just gettin' ready
for Memorial Day.
It's a big one for us.

We don't have
a Glee Club.

Not yet,
we don't, sir.

But as the graduating class,
we wanted to leave behind

a legacy that inspires
future students

to take initiative
rather than spend their time,

I don't know,
privately defacing
women's fitness magazines.

I mean, I went
to read an article

about no carbs
and higher reps
the other day

and the pages were...
You are a rotten egg.

...as if by
some natural adhesive.
That'll be enough.

I need to cut
the pounds

and I can't open the...
Stop it!

Whatever does it for...
Stop it!

That's all
I'm gonna say.

Thank God
you're graduating.

I'm the fourth-generation
Schrader...
Sorry.

to go to
Harmon College, okay?
Yeah.

I can't do anything
to screw that up.

You know, like, I don't know,
getting busted
for identity fraud.

Look at you.
Would you stop, man? Relax.

We're all goin'
to college, okay?

This is said by the guy
who's been rejected...
Hey, B.

...by seven schools.

Hey, I'm creating
dramatic tension.

I got a good feeling
about number eight!
Ugh.

I got in! I got in!
I got into Princeton!

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, I think that guy
got into Princeton.

Oh, what makes you say that?

I don't know.

Bartleby! Hey.

Hey, how are you,
Monica?
Hey, how are you?

Good. Do you know Schrader?

No, I don't think so. Oh!
Yes! We...

I actually...
We had a class.

Oh, yeah.

My shit was all crazy.
I sat way behind you.

Yeah. Sorry.
I don't remember
you, either.

Sorry.
It's all right.

Um, anyway, I really wanted
to ask you something.

Sure, anything.

Um, you know,
I know it's really late,

but, um, last minute
and everything,

but prom is coming up soon,
you know?
It's okay. Yes.

And I'm actually having
a party at my house
beforehand.

Awesome!
And I was wondering

if you'd like to, um...
If you could, um...

I'd love to.
...mow our lawn.

Mow your lawn?
Yeah.

Oh.
I'm sorry.

Yeah. I'm really embarrassed,
but, you know,

our mower's broken
and my mom was just, like,
"Ask Bartleby!"

That's cool!

I... Yeah. Tell your mother
I would love to mow the lawn.
Really?

Of course.

Thank you so much.
Yeah, sure.

Thank you.
Hey, babe! Hey, yo,
Monica! Come on!

Sorry, I got to go.

But thank you, again.
Yeah, s-sure.

You're really helping us out.
Oh, great to see you.

And, hey, it was nice to meet,
um, see you. Talk to you.

Yes, yes. It was... It was
so nice catching up with you.

Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.
B-Bye, Monica.

Hey, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting, baby.

Hoyt Ambrose. Hoyt!

Hoyt Ambrose.
What's that guy got
that I don't have?

I just need to get a car.

And classic good looks.

"I regret..."

I can't believe
I didn't get into State!

I wasn't even aiming high
with that one.

That was my fallback!

It was my safety school,
my fail-safe!

Maybe you're just
too average.

Hey, time out.

Too average?

Okay. Okay.
Excuse me, Lizzie.

R-R-Remember who
you're talkin' to here.

I didn't have to go
to gym class
for a whole year

'cause I claimed
to be allergic to sweat.

Or what about the time
I got the note from my doctor
saying I was nocturnal

and I was allowed
to study in my dreams?

I got the school bully,
Frank Daley,
kicked out for two years

because he was
sexually harassing me

by pushing me up
against the locker
and I said I felt something.

I mean, come on.
That was pure genius.

Maybe if you didn't write
an essay called
"I Don't Have a Clue."

Well, it's true. You know?

I don't have a clue
what I want to do
with the rest of my life.

Mom and Dad
are gonna kill you.

O ye of little faith.

They're not gonna kill me.
Uh-huh.

I just have to spin it

and put it in terms
they can understand.

I don't understand.

I don't understand, either.

Okay, I figure it
like this.

The average cost of college
is, what, $20,000 a year?

Now, according
to these estimates
that I got off the Web...

You can pass those around.

Someone with no education
beyond high school

can expect to make
about $20,000 a year
in the current job market.

Now, that being said,
over the next four years,

you could either
spend $80,000

or I could make $80,000.

Are you saying
you don't want to
go to college?

No. I'm saying that
it is fiscally irresponsible

for me to go
to college. You know?

Are you huffing?
Oh, God. No.

Are you high?
You're huffing grass?

No. I'm not huffing, Mom.
I'm not stoned.
I'm completely fine.

In fact, I'm more clear
and level-headed
than I've ever been.

Okay, cut the crap,
Bartleby.

Society has rules.

And the first rule is
you go to college.
Mmm-hmm.

You want to have a happy
and successful life?
You go to college.

If you want to be somebody,
you go to college.

If you want to fit in,
you go to college.

Well, you know what?
Maybe I didn't
get into college.

What do you mean?

I didn't get accepted
anywhere.

Oh, Bartleby.

Damn it.

I knew he should've started
preparing for college
in junior high

like his sister.

Now, she's got a shot.
I've got a shot.

She's got a shot.
Listen, guys.

There are plenty
of successful people
who didn't go to college.

Albert Einstein,
you know.

Pocahontas never
went to college.

Corey Feldman
and Corey Haim.

They had a great run.

Both Lewis and Clark.

Suzanne Somers. Bono.

I need to go
check on the cobbler.

"Check the cobbler."
Glug, glug, glug.

You know, I really don't
care what Sonny Bono
did or didn't do.

You're goin' to college.

I told you so.

You were adopted.

Everyone,

I would like
to propose a toast
to our graduates.

To the Class of 2006,

may the next four years
of college

be the best years
of your life.

Hear, hear.
Mom.

Hey.
Hey, man, what's up?

What's up, B?
How you doin'?
What's up?

Dude, I swear,
if one more person tells me

how excited they are
to go to college,
I'm gonna lose it.

Oh, man,
I heard about
the scholarship.

That's insane.
You're one of the best
receivers in the state.

Uh, the best. And, uh,
no knee, no football, man.

That sucks.
What are you gonna do now?

I have no idea.

That makes two of us, pal.

It's fine, it's fine,
it's fine, it's fine,
it's fine.

Hey, Rory. What's goin' on?
Oh, hey. What? Fine. Nothing.

Um, I... I didn't get into Yale.

I did... I didn't,
I didn't get into Yale.

I didn't...
I didn't get into Yale.

What? I can't
believe that!

Well, there's no room
for Rory at Yale.

Too many rich kids
with mediocre grades

and well-connected parents
this year, I guess.

No room for Rory,
who's been working

since first grade
to get into Yale.

Rory, who only applied
to Yale and nowhere else.

I had it all planned!

It was perfect, B!
Perfect!

And now
it's nothing! Nada!

It's a goose egg!

Okay. Well.

God, Rory! Rory!

She's handling that
really well.

College
is for pussies!

All right.
I got to get out
of here, pal.

Hang in there.
All right, man. You, too.

Bartleby! Hey!
Oh, hey, Mr. Schrader.
I was actually just...

Did you have any cake?

No, you know,
I'm not much
of a cake guy.

Oh, it is a hell
of a cake.

It is the same cake we got
for Scotty and Seth
when they got into Harmon.

Oh, ah, everything
comes full circle.

Jay! How are ya, bud?
Oh, I really don't...

Hey, Stu.
Hey.

I can't imagine your pride,
knowing your youngest

is headed off
to a good college.
Must take a load off.

Yeah, well, not to mention

the load it takes off
my bank account.

Dad.

Nothin' like gettin'
a load off!

What about you,
Bartleby?

That's a good question,
Mr. Harkin.

What's with the questions,
Mr. Trebek?

Where you goin'?

Um, I... I., well...

I didn't really, uh...

Bartleby screwed
around and now
he's not goin' to college.

He's thrown his life away.

Yeah, that's... that's what
I was gonna say.
Thanks, Dad.

Wait. South Harmon
Institute of Technology?

Yeah.
B, you realize
that makes it S.H.I.T., right?

S.H.I.T.?
I was wingin' it. Whatever.

Just finish building
the website, please.

This is the act
of a desperate,
wildly unrealistic person.

Yo, B, you have to hook me up
with one of these
acceptance letters, bro.

Are you kidding me? No way.
Why not?

Oh, come on. The only way
this is gonna work
is if we keep it quiet.

And even then,
it's still a long shot.

Dude, I don't care.
I have to do somethin'.

The minute
I lost my scholarship,

my pop
started talkin' about me
getting my own bus route.

Help me. Please?
Mmm.

You know something?

For the safety
of the public,
I can't let you drive a bus.

Sweet.
But listen to me.

This is just a temporary
stopgap measure, okay?

Nothing more.
Gotcha.

Bravo, guys. Great.
Both of you guys.

Let's start this fake college.
And then we'll go
start a meth lab somewhere.

Come on.
It's a gateway crime.
What?

That's how these things start.

You know something, Schrader,

you got into
a great college.

And your future's
lookin' really good,

and I'm psyched for you, pal,
'cause you're my best friend
and I love you.

I'm talking about
me coming to you,
asking for your help.

Just finish
the damn website.

Please.

What do you say?

There he is!
Fine.

Get off me,
you idiot.

But we need some sort of,
like, mission statement
or something.

Your dad's
gonna want to see that.
I know him, he's a hard-ass.

Hey, kids. Honey!

Hey. Hi.
How are you?
Hey.

What's this?

South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
What's that?

Mmm? What's that?

One of the most
respected schools in the area,
that's what that is.

Well, what's it say?

I gotta open it first.

Come on, hurry.

Oh. I'm nervous.

"Dear Bartleby,

"congratulations,
you've been accepted!"

I got in!

Aw, thank God. Thank God.
I got in!

Hey-o!
Oh! God!

Honey.
I'm okay.

Hey, this is great!

It's so exciting!

What the hell is South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
Yeah.

Oh, it's one of
Harmon College's
sister schools.

I've never heard of it.

Well, because
it's the baby sister.

It's the most
discreet and unharmed
of the sister schools.

You got any literature
on this place?

Yeah, there's a website,
I'll show you the link.

You did it.
You're a college boy.

Wow.

So you guys want to eat?
Yeah.

Hey! I hate my life.

I'm a huge tool.

Have fun being hot.

Bartleby!

Hey, Dad, what's up?

I took a look
at that website.

Oh.

Cool.

It looks unreal.

Unreal?

Yeah, it looks
pretty unbelievable, huh?

It seems
like a solid place.

Really?

Here you go.

First semester's tuition.
Paid in full.

That's great.

Wow, thank you, Dad.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Thanks, Dad.

Your mother and I
can't wait to drop you off.

What we need to do
is lease a place near Harmon

so we can fool our parents.
Yeah.

Hey, Schrad, do you know
any places up near Harmon
we can rent?

Oh, yeah, I do,
actually.

I carry around a list
with me at all times

of abandoned buildings
for fake colleges.

Dude, I started you guys
a bank account already.

What do you want me to be,
your realtor?

Oh, hey, guys.
What's up?

Hey, what's up, Glen?

Hey.
Hey, Glen,

when did you start working
at the Kwik 'N Stop?

Since I got boned, hard,
by every college I applied to.

Why, what happened?

Some political crap.

I got a zero on my SATs.

You know
you get 600 points

just for signing
your name, right?

All right,
let's get serious, man.

Now, where we gonna find
a place to pass off
as a college?

Hey, guys! I know a place.

How'd you know
about this place?

I used to do
volunteer work here.

This
place is awesome.

'Cause now I can
finally get hepatitis.

A bird
in the hand, dude.
A bird in the hand.

That doesn't
make any sense.

It's a saying.
What?

A diamond in the rough.

Hope you guys
have hobo-stab insurance.

Great.
The birthplace of crack.

Hello, beautiful.

Hey! Hey, guys,
don't go in there.

This is breaking
and entering.

Schrader, come on.
Don't be scared.

Who's scared?
I'm not scared.
You're scared.

Schrader, you were scared
to try the new flavor
of Dr. Pepper.

I told you that
in confidence, Hands.

Schrader, you were afraid
when your tooth fell out,

because you were terrified
of the tooth fairy.

That's actually
a legitimate fear.

She was rifling
through my shit.

Okay,
Fine, whatever, dude,
stay here.

Fine. I will.

Okay, guys, seriously,

I don't want to be here alone
when the walls start to bleed.

We don't have
to renovate the whole place.

We just have to focus
on essential areas.

We got the... the main lobby.
Hallway.

Dorm rooms.
Dorm rooms, exactly.

I think
this could really work. Huh?
It's awesome!

Can you hold that?
Yeah.

Guys, a little
can-do attitude,
some elbow grease,

maybe a smile from Schrader.

It's like cleaning up
your room, you know?

Welcome to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.

Atta baby.
The beginning of good things.

Yeah.

Schrader,
what the hell was that?

Um, this is embarrassing.

Are you kidding?

It would be really cool

if you guys
wouldn't tell people
I scream like that.

Ready, set, go.

Whoo!
All right.

Uh, whoa, Glen.

Oh, hey, B.

What are you doing here,
buddy?

Rory told me about it.

What are you doing?
We were gonna keep
this place a big secret.

But he didn't have
any place to go.

He got fired
from the Kwik 'N Stop.

Is that true?
Why'd you...
Why'd you get fired?

I got fired
for making a shrimp slushee.

That's disgusting.
See?

Why would you
do that, pal?

'Cause I was hungry
and thirsty.

Oh, God.

This kitchen is bitchin'!

And this'll be the bath...

Close the door.
Shit!

Close it!

It takes 10,000 steps
to get from here to greatness.

And this right here,

this is step one.

Good luck, Son.

Mister Ambrose,
do you know what makes Harmon
a great college?

Rejection.

The exclusivity
of any university

is judged primarily
by the amount of students

it rejects.

Unfortunately,
for the last few years,

we have been
unable to match
the amount of students

that Yale, Princeton,
or even Stanford rejects,

primarily because
of our physical limitations.

But all that
is about to change.

Yale has one,
Princeton has one.

And now Harmon College
will have

the prestigious entranceway
it deserves.

A verdant buffer zone

to keep knowledge in,
and ignorance out.

That is a great idea, sir.
Yes, it is.

Now, you, Mr. Ambrose,
are chairman

of the Student Community
Outreach Committee.

I need you to secure
all these decrepit properties

in the neighboring community.

So that we can demolish them
to make room

for the Van Horne Gateway.

You know what?

This actually looks
like the real deal.

Guys, I don't want to be
too overly optimistic,

but I think
this could work.

It really looks
professional. Hello.

Hey, kid,
where the hell are you?

Oh, I'm, uh...
Listen.

I took another look
at that website.

What's all this "be
what you want to be" crap?

No, no, Dad, they just...
they just have to say
stuff like that

just to keep
from being sued.

Yeah, well, sounds like
a bunch of crap to me.

Glen, go long.
Set up a meeting
with the dean.

The dean? Jesus.
Mother of hell!

Your college does
have a dean, doesn't it?

I'm good!
Yes, of course
the college has a dean.

Dad, you know,
he's a busy guy,
though, you know,

he can't just, uh,
set up a meeting with parents.

Listen. If I'm paying
for it, I'm meeting
with the dean.

I want to make sure you have
the same education I did.
A real education.

Dinner's at 8:00.
Wait, Dad, Dad, Dad,
I can't... I can't... Aw, shit.

I gotta trim
this corner right here.
I think I got poisoned.

What's up, B?
We got a little problem.

What?
Who was that, Bartleby?

We gotta find a dean.

In life, it's important
to distinguish between
need and want.

You think you want something
because you've been
conditioned to want it.

I want the Pump!

I don't got the Pump.

Look, oh, I got the
Tim Duncan Adidas Cool-D's.

I want the Pump!

Listen,
you insolent little snot,

there are kids right now
in Asia who are sewing
your stupid shoes together,

so that their family can have
a bowl of rice to eat tonight!

This is the worst idea
of all time.

Your Uncle Ben
used to be a genius.

He'll be fine.
Mom!

What did you do?

You're the one who
emotionally crippled the kid.

You know what?
Maybe he's retarded.

I'm glad my mother's dead.

He's just having a bad day.

Oh, my gosh.

You want me to be the dean
of your college?

No, I want you
to pretend to be the dean.

It's just for one day.

Uh, perhaps young Sherman
didn't share this with you.

I've retired, I'm no longer
a shaper of young minds.

Oh, really?

Yeah, well, technically,
he was fired.

That's not true. I got fed up
with the education racket.

So I quit.

I did send in my resignation

in a rather
unorthodox fashion.

You sent
the dean of the university
a bag of dog shit.

It was a metaphor.
For what?

For "You're full of shit!"
Oh.

That's not a metaphor.
That's a metaphor.

Oh, semantics, schmantics.

Three years from now,
I'm finished with this crap.

I'm goin' to
Papua New Guinea.
I'm outta here.

Wh-Where...
Where you going?

I'm going off the grid.

No more, uh, franchises,
no more Botox,

no more "Eh, oh,
let's clone another goat."

And certainly no more
sexual harassment suits.

What's wrong with saying,
"Hey! Nice tits."

When did that
go out the window?

Okay, Ben,
all I'm asking you

is just shake a couple hands
with some parents,

say, "Hi, I'm the dean,"
whatever.

What if we pay you?

Don't sully my dignity
with your cash.

There you are!
Did you make
another child cry?

It's not my fault
the kid's a crybaby!
Little dipshit.

You're an asshole!
You're an asshole.

You are an asshole.
And you're fired.

Perhaps it is time to move on.

But I get to bring my house.

Deal.

Right or left?
Right.

Whose right?
Your call.

You're an idiot!
You're upset.

Go with what you feel.

You got about 12 feet.

Perfect.

Asshole.

Okay, smiles, everyone.

First day at college.

What's up with these colors?
Shit brown? Really?

Glen picked 'em.
Of course he did.

Where'd you find
all these people?

Uh, I volunteer at an
English-as-a-second-language
program.

These are my students.
I told them
if they wanted to pass,

they'd have to
successfully assimilate

into the American
college environment.

Whoa! The parents are here!

Okay!
We're on, guys!

Okay, people,
it's showtime!

Wow.

No frills
around here.
Oh, none at all.

None of that, uh, that ivy,
or gargoyles, or mahogany,
it's the real deal.

The real deal, huh?

This is it, kid.
This is it.

The big moment. Take this in.
Ah.

It's exciting, it's scary.

It's really scary.
Oh, look! Oh, it looks great.

Okay.

What's going on here?

Okay, we lost
one of the campers.

Curious campers.

What are you doing?
Don't do that.
Don't do that.

Honey.

Take it easy.
Okay, here we are. Let's...

What the devil is that?
Oh.

That's just a surge
of collegiate energy.

It's college for you.

Take a left up here
for the dorm room, Dad.

Oh, uh, can you
hang on a second?

I just really gotta go
to the bathroom a minute,
you know.

Oh, Jesus Christ.
I just wanna...

No, no, no, no, no!

Uh, it's, that's,
it's the men's room.

You can't go in there.

Well, can't you just
stand outside...

Diane, can't you wait
till we get to the restaurant?

Hey,
I'll see you, Rasheed.
I'll see you in math class.

You owe me 30 bucks,
by the way.

You jokester.

Here we are.
You remember Hands.
Hey, Mrs. Gaines.

Hey, hi.
The fam.

You look great.
Well, thank you.

When I first saw it,
I was like,
I gotta live here?

I can't believe this.
But it's a dorm room.

Mr. Gaines.
Daryl, how are you, partner?

Oh, thunder grip.

Why are there bars
on the window?

Oh, that's so nobody
accidentally gets thrown out.

It's fine.
It's a good
learning environment.

Not a lot of extras.
You'll study harder.

Yes. We will,
because of the blue
and the sparse walls.

I agree with you, sir.

What are these?

That's in case
of an earthquake.

Uh, never mind that.
Hey, let's go meet the dean.

Huh?
The dean.

Come here, honey.
Come on.

Which way?
Take a right there, Mom.

It's gonna be fun.

You know,
a lot of people say

that college is the time
when young men and women

expand the way
that they look at their world,

when they open their minds
to new ideas and experiences

and when they begin
that long journey

from the innocence of youth

to the responsibilities
of adulthood.

Now isn't that
a load of horseshit?

W-What?

Could you explain that
to us a little more?

Uh, Dean Lewis,
why don't you tell them

a little bit about
the philosophy here
at South Harmon?

Look, we throw
a lot of fancy words
in front of these kids,

in order to attract them
to going to school,

in the belief that they're
gonna have a better life.

And we all know
that all we're doing

is breeding
a whole new generation

of buyers and sellers.

Buyers and sellers!

Pimps and whores.
Pimps and whores!

And indoctrinating them
into a life-long hell
of debt and indecision.

I...
Um...

I... I just don't understand.

Do I have
to spoon-feed it to you?

Look, there's only one reason

that kids
want to go to school.

Holy shit.

Which is?

To get a good job.

To get a good job,
with a great starting salary.

I couldn't agree more.

It is so refreshing
to have somebody

approach education
so rationally.

Fuckin' A!

Well, Dad. Ow.

Oh, Mom.

You make us proud, kiddo.

I'll try, Dad.

Don't worry about
anything, okay?

Bye, honey.
Seat belts.

Spread your wings.

I'm gonna fly.
You gotta let me fly.

Bye, Lizzie.
Bye!

Bye!

So what do we do now?

Well, my friend,
we're in college now.

We can do whatever we want.

Gotta hand it to you, B.

Kids everywhere are busting
their ass in the classroom,

and we're killing
aliens, dude.

This is way better
than learning.
We are learning here, pal.

We're learning
the dire cost to civilization
when diplomacy fails.

We're learning
political science
right now.

What the...
What the hell is that?

Who is it?

Abernathy
Darwin Dunlap, sir.

Hi, there!

What's your name?

My name's
Abernathy Darwin Dunlap.

But you could call me A.D.D.,

on account of the fact
that I have A.D.D.,

which is
Attention Deficit Disorder
and you know,

everyone used to think it was
just an addiction to sugar
when I was six,

and my mom used to cry
because she thought
I would never be,

like, a fully functioning
member of society,

like my neighbor
who has Legionnaire's Disease.

Oh...

This is no longer
a mental health facility.

I'm so sorry
we can't help you.

Good luck to you, pal.
I don't need a hospital!

Okay, okay, wh-wh-what
are you doing here, then?

Well, unless
I misread the website,

I'm here for orientation!

Oh, you scared me
for a second.
In more ways than one.

Uh, you're looking
for Harmon College,

it's just right on
up the hill.

But good luck, have fun.
Go, Harmon.

No! I'm looking
for South Harmon
Institute of Technology

because, well,
it's the only place
I got accepted

and I'm looking
to pursue my degree in English

or law or animal husbandry
or anything really!

Did you just say
you got accepted here?

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah,
we all did.

What?

Thank you so much!

Oh, God.
Holy balls.

I'm sorry.

Move, fool.

Oh, look,
there's my old girlfriend,
Sara Pelfan.

You broke my heart!

Please.

Oh, uh, sorry, sorry.
No parents allowed
past this point.

It's part of our philosophy
here at South Harmon.

We need to mold
your kids into individuals,

and the first step is to

sever the ties of
the parent-child relationship.

Take him.

We're just glad
Larry got in someplace.

He's your problem now.

Bye, hon. No biting!

Hey, Larry.

Okay, good talk.
Go on in there.

You're gonna fit right in,
Larry. Unfortunately.

What are we gonna do?

This is supposed
to be a secret.

Yeah, well, I guess
the secret's out.

You go check the P.O. box,
I'm gonna go
find Schrader, okay?

Hey, pledge guy,
welcome to B.K.E. House.

Can I take
your blazer for you?

Get in there, your future
is right in there.

Thank you.
All right.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my gosh.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry.

Bartleby. Hey, how are you?
Hey, how you doing?

Good. I'm so sorry
about your jacket.

Dude, don't worry about it.
It's... It's not even
my jacket.

Perfect.
So, what are
you doing here?

I'm, I'm looking for Schrader,
actually. Have you seen him?

Uh, no, I haven't.

Hey, I'm Sherman Schrader.

I'll catch up with you.

Hey.

I'm Sherman Schrader. Okay.

This is fun.
I'm just gonna hang back

while you guys shoot around
and stuff, you know.

Oh, shit.

I got it.

Oh.
That's a... It's a G chord.

I used to play
in a Cranberries tribute band.

Uh, we disbanded.

Hey, you're Sherman Schrader.
Yeah.

Hoyt Ambrose.
Yes, right. I know.

Yes. You are the president
of this whole fraternity.

That's right.
Right.
You date Monica Moreland.

That I do.
Right.

I think about her
when I masturbate.

What?
What?

I didn't mean to say that.

Yeah. So, uh, Sherman's father
pledged alongside my father
back in the day.

Oh, so you're the legacy.

That's right. Legacy!

You need... You probably
need this to play, actually.

Was it here?

Uh, was it there? Was it...

So... So do you go
to school here now, or...

I don't. Uh,
I go to South Harmon.

Did you say South Harmon?

Yes, I did.

Oh, what's that?
Hmm?

Wha-What's South Harmon?

South Harmon is...
It's a college,

just a very small college.
Teeny, tiny college.

That's great. Well,
congratulations to you.
Thank you.

Hey, sweetie.
Hey!

Oh, my gosh,
I was so excited for you...

Actually, can you just give me
just one sec, okay? Thanks.

Hey, winner, Hoyt Ambrose.

Floyd Pambrose.

That's weird.
Our names rhyme.

Yeah, that is
pretty weird.

That's kind of crazy.
Welcome to B.K.E.

Thanks. It's great.
I love it here.

All the sexually repressed
energy.
Oh.

I love it.
A lot of anti-Semitism,
but under the rug, you know.

I like it, I like the way
you handle your business.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Well, hey, why don't you
just hang around
and meet some guys?

Oh, no, thanks, man,
I'm not into guys.

I totally respect
your lifestyle choice, though.
And good luck with it.

Your parents probably
don't get it, but I do.

I'll see you later, Monica.
Bye. It was good
to see you.

I'll see you later, Thor.
I mean Dirk.

Uh, I mean Trent.
Sorry, Troy.

Whoop, sorry, Goldie.

Schrader, where you been?
I've been calling you
for half an hour.

What the hell, man?
I'm in the middle of rush.

I don't care, man.
I got a situation goin' on.

This is huge for me,
all right?

You can't be here right now.
Okay, okay, okay.

Remember that time
we had to steal
my mom's birth control pills?

Yeah, and then
Lizzie was born.
It's worse than that.

Where did these people
come from?

Oh, from the chaos catalog.
They were going
out of business.

What is happening?
I'll tell you
what's happening.

I told you to make
the website look legitimate,
not functional.

Hey, you wanted to
fool your dad.
And the guy's not an idiot.

And, also, it was your idea
to put "Acceptance is just
one click away."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Put it as one click away,
you don't make it clickable.

Oh, my...
Holy shit.

Yeah.

They all paid
first semester's tuition?

Oh, yeah.
10,000 bucks apiece.

I stopped counting
after the first 100 checks.

That's $74,000,000.

It's $1,000,000, Glen.

Yeah. In human dollars.

Okay, okay, okay.
We gotta do something.

Hey, don't look at me.
Ask one of
the founding fathers.

B?

This isn't my deal, man.

I told you this was
a bad idea
from the get-go.

True.

We could have
a Battle Royale.

Wow.
What is that?

B, you gotta
tell these people to go home.

You are absolutely right,
my friend.

I started this,
I'm gonna finish it.

Thank you.

Go.

Hey. Hey, Glen!

All right.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Excuse me. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, everybody.

Can I... Can I just
get your attention
for one minute?

Um, yeah, I'll be taking
questions in a minute.

Just give me one second,
please. Hold on.
All right.

Who the hell are you?

Ah-ah. Okay.

That's a good question.
Thank you.

My name's Bartleby. Hello.

Um, Gaines,
for what it's worth.

And, um, you know
on the website how it said,

"Acceptance is just
one click away"?

Do you remember that?

We had intended...
Hold on.

We added that
because we were...
Aw, shit.

Yeah, okay, what... I'm sorry.
What... What... What do you want?

When I got accepted here,

it was the first time
my parents ever said
they were proud of me!

That's cool.
Um, that's cool, man.

Hey, uh, just show of hands,
how many people
applied to other colleges?

Everybody. Uh, okay.

And how many of you got in
to the other places
you applied to?

Nobody.

Nobody got in anywhere else?

And you know what?
I didn't, either.

I didn't get into
a real college.

A really, really good college.

I know what it's like
to be rejected. It sucks.

Rejection blows.
Being said no to.

You know what,
I'm sorry, you're just
not quite good enough.

You didn't have
enough extracurriculars.

You didn't play enough tennis.

You didn't study hard enough
for your scores.
So you're not gonna make it.

You know what? Screw that!

What's he doing?

I think
he's winging it.

Shouldn't we all have
the chance to be said yes to?

At South Harmon,
we say yes to you!

We say yes to your hopes.

We say yes to your dreams.

We say yes to your flaws!
So welcome!

Grab a room, grab a friend,

grab yourself,
we don't give a shit.

Welcome to South Harmon
Institute of Technology!

Oh, man.

And welcome to S.H.I.T.!

You! I love you!

What are you doing?

Do you realize
how stupid this is?

You invited everyone
to a college
that doesn't exist.

I... I just couldn't do it,
okay? You saw their faces.

They got rejected
from everywhere.

What... What kind of message
does that send if I reject
them from my college?

You don't have a college!

Hey, hey, hey,
where's the bookstore?

Oh, we have a deal
with Amazon.

You just buy 'em
with a credit card.

When do we sign up
for classes?

Uh, we extended orientation.
You're fine.

Hey, man, where the heck
do we eat around here?

Uh, Glen, uh, 300 pizzas.
Order them.

18 pizza pockets.
What? No, no, no. 3...

Hey, who do I give
my intuition money to?

Who? What?
Me, I guess.

I'm done fishing singles
out of my G-string.

I'm a college girl now!
Aw, yeah.

Wow.

Uh, B, hey, uh,
you just started
a fictional college.

Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, okay.

Hey, do you guys have
a swim team here?

Yes, you know what?
This is Hands Holloway.
He's the Athletic Director.

He can help you with anything
you need to know.
I can't do it right now.

Thank you, though, thank you,
I'm sorry.

Uh, you guys,
what are we gonna do now?
I just need a minute to think.

What? What the...
Holy shit!

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex!

What the hell
are you guys doing?

What do you mean?
We're makin' the room bigger!

Yeah, Thorgeous,
but this is my room.

Who's in charge
of room assignments
around here, anyway?

Guys, I'd like you
to meet Rory.

She is the resident S.H.I.T.
room assignmenter.

And she'll be
more than happy to help you
out with that. Okay?

Okay, uh,
I... I guess I'll show you
your rooms.

Follow me.
Thanks.

Sorry about the wall.

Oh, it's fine.
Don't worry about it, man.

It happens all the time.
No problem.

Yeah, well, we actually
do have a problem

because you don't know
how to run a college.

It's fine. It's okay.
It's fine.

We'll just relax,
get some sleep, we'll regroup
tomorrow morning.

It will be totally calm.

Ahoy! Scallywags
and scally-ladies.

Okay, dude, B, I'm with you
on this, I am.

But we need a plan, dude.
We need a plan now.

I know. I know.
I... I... I... I'm processing.

You're gonna need
to process faster.

What is... Why are the...
Find out what's going on.

- Yo!
- Ah, there's my college man.

How you doin', kid?

Dad, now is not the... the...
the best time to talk.

Hang on,
let me get your mother.

Can I have this?
Come here,
let me talk to you.

Diane, pick up!
Honey! Is it you?

Stop yellin'
in the damn phone.

Oh, it feels like ages
since we've spoken to you.

How's school so far?

Oh, it's going great.
It's going really...

Hey, someone here
order two dozen kegs?

The... The... The old guy
with the hat, playing craps.

What the hell
was that?

Sounded like
he said something
about two dozen kegs.

Bartleby, are you
experimenting with alcohol?

Aw, no, no, no.
He said two dozen eggs, Mom.

You misunderstood.
Two dozen eggs.

What took you so long?

I've been building
a thirst over there!

Hey, listen,
I'm not paying for you
to be making omelets up there.

Tell me what classes
you're taking.

Classes?

Uh, right. I'm taking...

Statistics.

And, uh, business

and anatomy.

- Anatomy?
- Anatomy?

Thanks, dude.

Bartleby, Bartleby!

Yeah!

Hey. I always wanted
to go to college.

Couldn't get in
anywhere, though,

'cause I was in the military.

Oh.
Beverage ops.

I was snooping around,
saw something secretive.

Next thing I know
CIA swoops in,

does this whole
brain-scramble thing.

Now I can't remember anything.

So do you have room
at the college for me?

You know what, we already
started the semester,
I'm sorry.

That's cool, man.
Yeah.

It's just I... I got
my GI Bill,

and I can pay you
all four years in advance.

Okay, you're in.
Yeah!

Yeah, welcome
to South Harmon. Whoo-hoo!

How's the processing?

I just have to figure
this whole college thing out.

Here at Harmon College,
we offer a highly structured,

time-tested curriculum
carefully designed
to stimulate the young mind.

So, Mr. Gaines,
you're thinking
about transferring?

I don't know
about transferring.

My life is kind of, like,
a little weird right now.

But I just kind of
want to figure out

what all this
is all about.

Sorry.

A-And what college
are you attending right now?
Sorry?

The college that you're...
Oh,
it's down there. By the thing.

Pardon me?

I'd like to look around,
if that's okay.
Uh, that's fine.

If that's what
you'd like to do.

Thank you. It was... It was,
uh, it was great to meet you.

Oh, shit. Sorry.

That's all right. No.
You know what? Leave them,
leave them alone.

Leave it,
leave them alone.

And go on and take
your tour, okay?

A single rate of income tax
eliminates loopholes,

allowances and exemptions

as well as
encourages payments

through use of
low interest rates,

which theoretically
would cause

an economic boom.

Now if you would
refer back...
Aw, shit. I'm sorry.

So theoretically
what I was saying was...

This guy's pretty boring.

Don't talk to me, man!
Right, this is gonna be
on the midterm.

And my whole life is riding
on an A in this class.

This guy's...
EBITA!

What?

Earnings Before Interest,
Taxes and Amortization.

Good afternoon, students,

and welcome, everyone
in the spillover class.

What the... What is this?

We'll begin today's lecture...

Okay, great, yeah.
I'll see you
in the library at 8:00.

And I'll bring my notes.
Okay, see you then.

Bye, Monica.

Monica. Hey.

Bartleby. Hey, what, are you
stalking me or something?

Stalking's an ugly word.

I like to think of it more
like obsessively shadowing.
Oh.

I'm thinking about going here,
so I'm checking out
the classes.

Really?
Yeah. Do you like
all your classes?

Yeah. I mean, well,
I'm taking a bunch of classes

that I don't
really care about.

There was this one, though,
that I was dying to take.

But, um, I ended up
not being able to.
But, you know, it's okay.

What was that one
that you wanted to take?

Uh, ph-photography. It's...
Really? That's cool.

Yeah.
What was the problem?

Well, see, there's this,
um, photojournalism class,

but they said it's only
for journalism majors.

And then there's this
art photography class,

but they said
it's for fine arts majors.

So my advisor said
it would be best not to take
either one, or something,

because certain
photography classes

don't apply
to a degree in photography.

Wow, that makes,
that makes no sense at all.

I know.
Um, but I'm really sorry.

I gotta go, I'm gonna be late
for my Ancient Roman
History class.

It was good seeing you. Bye.
Okay. Bye.

Hey, uh...

I'm... I'm
just saying, I mean,
is that what college is?

What were you expecting?
A renaissance
of the human spirit?

American education
is in the shitter.

You know why?

Because people forget
the most important rule.

College is
a service industry.

A service industry?

As in "serve us,"
as opposed
to the other way around.

Look, you see
all these kids out here?

They all paid
to come here.

Right.
They all paid
for an experience.

What kind of experience?

The hell if I know.
I'm not a goddamn mind reader.

Well, maybe
I should just ask them.

Welcome to the conversation.

What do I want to learn?

Why are you asking me?

Well, I'm asking you, Glen,
because I have a hunch

that no one's ever really
asked you that before. Yeah?

Well, I like pancakes
and alfalfa sprouts
and lemonade.

Okay, you know what,
let's appropriate the bulk
of this man's tuition

to learning more
about the culinary arts.

Huh?
Food.

All right.
All right.

Rory. What about you?

Ever since nursery school,
every single waking moment

of every single day
has been scheduled.

So what do I want to do?

Nothing.

Cheap, zen, beautiful.
I like it.
Hands, what about you?

Summer camp
I made a paperweight
and won Camp Nagachewy's

coveted woodcarving award
and next day,

ran a 4.6 forty and it's
been football ever since.

Mmm. Woodcarving,
sculpting. Good,
something with your hands.

Well, there may be
something in there.

You can think about that,
and then get back to me.
All right?

Schrader, what about you?
Well, B, I'm glad
you asked, actually.

'Cause since
we're going to prison,

I'm gonna learn how to carve
a shank out of my toothbrush.

Okay, ha-ha. I'll tell you
something, though.

All our lives
we've been told
what to learn.

Well, today the tide
is gonna turn, my friend.

Because today
we're gonna ask the customer.

What do I want to learn?
What do I want to learn?

What am I interested
in studying?

Huh?
What?

W-What?
Come again.

That's a good question.
No, really, come again.

I thought you were
supposed to tell us.

Please come again!

I want to meet girls.

Girls.
Girls.

Some girls!
Uh, girls.

I wanna rock!

You know, and roll.

Well, as you can probably
tell at this point,

is that I really want to learn
how to slow things down.

More speed.
More vert.

Maybe something
with clothes, you know?

Putting them on,
taking them off.

I'm really good at that part.
You wanna see?

I want to learn
how to blow shit up
with my mind.

Okay.
Well, write it
on the board.

Go ahead.

Okay, thanks. Okay.

All right.
Thank you, smiley.

Pleasure doing business
with you.

Yeah, buddy.

Taxes? I'll tell you
about that nonsense.

If you're rich,
the government'll protect

every buck you make
and every shit you take.

Kiki Dee.
Got a job for you, kid.

New school colors and logo.
You're in charge.

Really?
Don't screw it up.

I won't screw it up,
I... I won't screw anything...

What are you?

Health insurance, my ass.
They don't pay for shit!

You get sick on a Friday,
they only pay for Monday
through Thursday.

You go to Dr. A,
they only pay for Dr. B.

You break your penis,
they only fix vaginas.

You mind if I join you?

Ah, cool. Awesome.
Thank you, that was great!

I'll see you guys later.
Okay, bye.

That's pretty, uh...

I know, right?

That's African
fertility sculpture.

It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.

The wood speaks to me.

The wood speaks to you?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the new S.H.I.T. line.

Thank you.

What is learning?
It's paying attention!

It's opening yourself up
to this great big ball of shit
that we call life!

And what's the worst thing
that can happen?
You get bit in the ass!

Well, let me tell you,
my ass looks like
hamburger meat,

but I can still sit down!

I can't believe
this is a class.

Yeah.

Look what I did.

Ugh. What are those?

I call 'em GlenWads.

They contain
every delicious flavor
in every single bite. Try one.

I'm not gonna lie to you.
They look disgusting.

This shit will get you high
on flavor alone.

Glen, I love
your Wads. Hmm.

Glen.

This is like the most...
Literally the most incredible
thing I've ever eaten.

Heads up, bro.

Whoa.

And it's so easy
to swallow. Mmm.
Wow, Glen.

Uh, excuse me. Thanks, buddy.
Sure.

Hey, how's it going?
Hey.

Can I help you with something?

Aren't you that guy?

No, I don't think so.

You're not?
I'm not what?

I saw you at rush.
What are you doing here?

I'm eating a Wad, man.
What are you doing here?

Wait... wait, let me guess.

You want me
to sign your petition

banning minorities
from your yacht club. No?

I am the chairman,
actually,

of the Student Community
Outreach Committee
at Harmon College.

Ah! That was my next guess.
My next guess.

That sounds very important.

As a matter of fact, it is!
That's why I said it.

And Harmon wants
to buy this property,

so do you know
where I could find
the lease holder?

I do.

Well, could you tell me?

Oh, yeah, I could.
I could, Gunther.

Okay, well,
are you going to tell me?

No. I'm not gonna tell you.
I will tell you this.

The lease holder's
not interested in relocating
at any point.

So thanks for asking,
and have a good day.

And enjoy the game show
that you host. Bye-bye.

Oh, look out.

Open it.

Ah. Thank you for coming by.

Have a good day.
I'm gonna go enjoy my Wad.

Hey! What the hell
is this place?

South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
The best college ever.

Is this a test?

Hey, Sperminator.

South Harmon?

Knock, knock.

Oh, hey, Gwynn.

Hey. Hey, what are you doing
up here all by your lonesome?

You know, you're
missing the whole party.

Hey, have you ever heard
of the South Harmon
Institute of Technology?

No. How come?

No reason.

Hey, pledge.

Hello, knights of freedom.

Sperman, do you know
why you're dressed like this?

Because it's required
for brotherhood.

Drink this.
Okay.

No, wait.

There you go.

Good addition, sir.

Hey, Hoyt.
Hey, what are you doin'?

Oh-oh. Hoyt.

Monica. Hold on. Shit!

Harmon Gateway,
my ass.
Let me tell you something.

That's the kind of group-think
mob mentality
that's dumbing down America

and flushing your brains
down the toilet.

B! We have a problem.

Virgin daiquiri.

And easy on the lime there,
Eraserhead.

Comin' right up.

Lizzie.
What are you doing here?

You mean I can't swing by
and visit my big brother
at college?

You are in college,
aren't you?

What is that
supposed to mean?

Come on, Bartleby.
The jig's up.

I'm telling Mom and Dad.

Uh, listen,
w-w-what do you want?

$20,000.

What? No way!
That's insane. Come on.

I'm not gonna
play your little game.

I'm not gonna
give you a cent.

How do you like that?
How do you like
them apples, huh?

Fortunately, Mom and Dad
are on speed dial.

Oh.
I'll ask them
to pick me up here.

Okay, you're gonna
call Mom and Dad, sure.
Ringing.

You are bluffing
with the best.

You're very good, though.
I gotta give it to you.

Hi, Mom.
Okay, stop it.

Anything you want,
not money-related.

Your Razor scooter.
Done.

And a fake ID.
No! That's ridiculous.

I'm not gonna let you drink.

It's so I can vote, dumbass.

Oh. Okay, deal.

You need a Razor scooter
to vote?

What do you mean,
they're a college?

They're called
the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.

The South Harmon
Institute of Technology?

What is this,
some kind of joke?

No, I don't think it is, sir.

Mr. Ambrose,
that is the one building

standing between me
and the Van Horne Gateway.

Well, I don't know
what to tell you, sir.

Tell me that
you're not that naive.

Colleges don't just
spring up out of
the ground overnight.

You're right.
You're right, sir.

I know I'm right!

All right, don't worry.
I'll... I'll figure a way
to get them out of there.

What an excellent idea,
Mr. Ambrose.

That's the kind of thinking
that will get you
into law school.

Coming through!

Ow!

Hey, what are you
doing here?

I just came to thank you
so much for my camera, B.

It was so sweet, thank you.

Come on. Please,
I figured, who needs
a life's savings, right?

Actually, I had a really
hard time finding this place.

You... You guys aren't listed
in the phone book,

and nobody really seems
to know about you guys.

Yeah, yeah, we're... we're
a pretty well-kept secret.

Well, let me...
let me show you
the rest of the place.

Sure. Really?

Yeah, of course.
Okay.

Great.
Great.

Let's, let's go.
All right.

Two lava flows.
Thank you.

And keep your voice down.
People are playing.

Okay. Thanks, buddy. Mmm.
Oh, okay. Thank you.

He makes a mean drink.
Yeah. It's great.

All right. Hello.

How do you like your drink?

Yeah, it's really good, Glen.
Thanks.

Does she like hers?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, she...

Yeah, it's great.
Thank you.

Okay, great, thanks.
Okay, pal. Okay.

Ah, Glen.

Wait. So this is
your course guide?

Yeah, this is
a new pilot program.

See, the administration
wanted us to create
our own classes,

so we just, uh,
write 'em on the board.

Really?
Yeah.

Wow, that's so cool, B.

Hey, why don't you
sign up for one?
No, no.

Come on. Sign up for one.
No. No, Bartleby, no.

It... It's painless. I insist.
Oh, really?

Even if you don't
sign up for one
you'll go on a fun ride.

Okay.

Just stop me
when you see something
that you like.

Okay. Oh, I like this one.
"Men: The Weaker Sex."

Give me a pen.
Oh.

B, there can't honestly
be a class called
"Bullshitting 236."

What about "The Decline
and Fall of Chevy Chase"?

There's a wait list
for that one.

What?

Are... Are you okay?

What?

What the hell happened?

An explosion of flavor!

I'm working with some
very unstable herbs!

Wait, wait, wait.
So you're telling me

that there are no tests,
or essays,

or required reading,
or any of that nonsense?

That's what
I'm sayin'.
Wow. Ever?

Yeah. Never ever.

Ask me about my wiener!
That's amazing.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Oh, no.

Ask me about my wiener!

What the...

Ask me about my wiener!

Schrader?

Oh,
hey, B.
Hi.

And Monica.

Hey.
Why... Why are you
wearing this?

Every single brother
in my fraternity
has worn this suit.

President James Garfield
wore this suit
like a gentleman.

Oh, yeah,
and look what happened to him.

He got assassinated
by Charles Guiteau.

Don't ask me
how I know that.

Do me a favor,
ask me about my wiener
really quickly.

Schrader, no.

Guys, my brothers
could be watching me
right now.

Just ask me
about my wiener, please.

Why are you
doing this?
What do you mean?

Come on. You're...
This...

You're humiliating
yourself, buddy.

You know what, B.
Don't mess with me!

These are the happiest times
of my life, all right?

Schrader.
I'm so happy,
I'm the happiest.

I'm happy!

Hey! Ask me about my wiener!

S.H.I.T. Rag.
Hot off the presses.

Here you go, B.
Thanks, Boner.

The S.H.I.T. Rag?

Yeah, come on,
every school's
gotta have a paper.

There's a great op-ed piece
in there about not believing
everything you read.

It's really provocative.

As your de facto consigliere
my advice to you is to
shut this down immediately.

And my advice to you
is to stop worrying

before you
spontaneously combust.

Yes, but you can't
just do this.

To be a real college,

you have to go through
the appropriate
legal channels.

You need to be accredited.

Well, yeah,
could you take care of that?

Hey, B.
Pancho, looking good, pal.

Who's that?
Spank me.

That's, uh, the mascot.

Oh, it's the mascot?
Yeah.

A sandwich?
Yes.

You're the
S.H.I.T. Sandwiches?
Yes, we are.

You are taking this
way too far.

How so?
Oh, I don't know, man.

Maybe it's the pool,
or the half-pipe.

That's not in the budget.
I'm re-investing
in their education.

Those are South Harmon
cornerstones there.

Yes, but you're overlooking
zoning requirements,

noise permits,
there are insurance issues.

Come on. Insurance?
What's gonna happen?

Oh, shit.

Wow.

Yeah!

Aw, shit.

We gotta do it again, dudes.
Left the lens cap on.

No, you didn't!
Damn!

You know what?
You're absolutely right.
This has gone way too far.

And I think we need
to do something
about it ASAP.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Is this great
or is this great?

It's pretty cool, man,
but I gotta go.

The Roaring '20s
is B.K.E.'s biggest party
of the year.

And we're recreating
the scene from
The Untouchables

where Roy,
as Bobby De Niro,

crushes my skull
with a baseball bat.

Wow, what an
incredible honor.

Could you sign a copy
of your book for me?

I got it on eBay.
They sell my shit on eBay?

You wrote a book?
Yeah.

But that was back
when I was drinking.

Come on, Glen,
you can't keep
stringing us along.

Which one of us
is it going to be?

Quiet, quiet, quiet!
Quiet, shh!

Ladies and gentlemen,
let's give it up
for your fearless leader,

Bartleby Gaines.
Come on up here, buddy!

Aw, man.

Thanks. Thank you.
Get up here!

Come on up!
I know you know this one!

Go. Go up there right now.
Go, man, go!

How you doin'?
Yeah! You the man.

I'm going
to have that.

Shut up.

Look, where the hell
is everybody at?

You! Hey.

Hey.
How are you?

Aw, God, look,
where the hell is everybody?

This is the biggest
party of the year, guys.

Band, hey!

Ah, you want to start
playing some music, please?

Hey.
Hoyt, hey.

There's, like, some big party
down the hill.

Oh, that son of a...

Hey!
B, oh, my gosh,
that was fantastic.

Aw, my God, you saw that.
I'm embarrassed.

I don't know
what happened to me.

Someone possessed me, and...
and it was the spirit
of Johnny Ramone, I think.

B, is there anything
that you're not
incredibly amazing at?

Yeah, it's funny
you should ask.

There are very few things
I'm not very good at.

Off the top of my head
I can think of spelunking,
uh, telekinesis,

not crying at
the end of My Girl.

It gets me.
And dairy products.

Which is good, because
you know I'm not really
in the mood

for any
dairy products tonight.

Well, let's see
if we can get you
something else then.

Let's see.
All right.

This is my... Oh!
Ooh!

I'm okay, I'm okay.
I keep forgetting
this opens out.

It happens all the time,
I gotta get used to it.

Oh, no.

And this is

Mi casa.

Bartleby, uh, oh, my God,
this is amazing!

Huh? It's fine.

I mean, I like it
'cause it's simple,
and functional.

Provides a good safe
workspace for me
to focus on my studies.

B, this is so cheesy,
in the greatest way.

There is nothing cheesy
about a clap-on disco ball.

Maybe it's a little bit much.

I've wanted one
since I was a kid, though.

Wait, is everybody's room
at South Harmon
this incredible?

Well, at South Harmon
you're free

to kind of design
your own rooms, you know?

Whatever you're thinking,
whatever you're...

And I was thinking
clap-on disco ball.

How about that drink?
Can I get you a drink?

I would love a drink.
All right.

Ah, touché.
Ahh.

This party's
off the hook!

Hey, hey, hey, shut up!

All right.
Where is that asshole?

Co-Come on, Bartleby,
that was 7th grade.

Yeah, exactly,
that was my point.

Well, I will
have you know...
Oh, now,

now I can't go
back to your past,
but you can go back to mine.

That Christina Aguilera look
did very well for me,
thank you very much.

Yeah, you did great,
you did great. I know.

I remember you making out
with Pete Goochman
in Julie Posner's basement.

You were at that party?

Oh, even if I wasn't there,
I would have known about it.

It made headline news
at school.

And... And... And that day
something happened in my life

that I never thought
would happen.

I became envious of Pete
"The Gooch" Goochman.

Never thought
it would happen.

But I was like,
"He got to make out
with Monica Moreland."

Well, if you wanted to kiss me
so bad in the basement,
why didn't you?

Well, 'cause the Gooch
beat me to it,

and I was a little shy,
and, uh...

Well, you want to
kiss me now, don't you?

You look like Carly Simon!

If I could bang
one woman in the world
it'd be Carly Simon,

and you look like her!

Are you having fun?

I'm having so much fun.

Let's go find him.
Oh!

Oh, shit, oh, shit,
oh, shit, oh, shit.

Sorry. One sec.

Oh, shit.
Uh, I got a situation.

Come, come with me.
Okay.

Hey, have you
seen Schrader?

Excuse me.

Shit.

Monica?
What are you doing here?

Oh, you know, just picking up
my application for transfer.

You're telling me that
you're with this guy now?

Actually, Hoyt, um,

I'm telling you
it's none of your business.

It's none
of my business?
Yeah.

Oh, snap!

Hey, Hoyt, let me
introduce you to
an old friend of mine.

The word "rejection."
She can be a real bitch.

But you don't have
to give her roofies.

So you're not gonna
like her.
Ooh.

You want me to give you
something funny
to laugh about?

You mean something
funnier than your future
alcohol abuse?

Battle Royale!

Uh, shit.
Let's go, guys.

All right, come on, guys.
Let's get out of here.

Wow, Monica, you really know
how to pick 'em, don't you?

Have fun with these idiots!

Bye-bye.
Bye.

Thank you for comin'.

Guys, let's get
the music back up! Come on!

Wet T-shirt party!

Mom? Dad?

Gwynn.
Hi, there.

What are you doing here?

I'm your escort.

Induction night,
big guy.

B.K.E., B.K.E.,
brotherhood, brotherhood,
you and me!

B.K.E., B.K.E. brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!

Sherman Schrader, you rock!

Aw, no! You guys rock!

Get ready to be inducted
into the brotherhood,
you winner!

Yes! I want it! I want
everything you guys have.
Whoo!

I want lilac shirts!
I want visors

kind of tilted to the side,
with hair gel
coming out of it.

I want to have sex with girls
that look like this!

You rock!
I know I do!

You do, yeah, you do.

Do I get hair gel
now, or do I have to go
and buy my own?

Did you crack him?

No.

We'll crack him.

Sherman, do you know
how long that this
fraternity has survived?

Yes, sir.

153 majestic years, sir.

That is correct.
Because it's based on
the most sacred principle

that brothers can share.

Trust.

And seriously, bro, I'm...
I'm beginning to question

whether or not
I can trust you.

'Cause we know you been
hanging out with those
freaks down at the loony bin.

So with your allegiance
being called into question,

I just wanted
to ask you just one thing.

Paddle.

That's actually
not a question.
Shut up!

Are you with them

or are you with us?

Decent party.

Okay, I'll give you decent.

Hey, where is Schrader?
He should be here for this.

I don't know.
I haven't seen him
in a couple of days.

I hope he's not sick.

Okay. Quick, quick, quick,
everybody say "Cheers"!

Hey, "quick, quick, quick,"
get up in here.

No.
Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.
Come over here.
Okay.

Gotta up
the gorgeous quotient.

Okay. Get ready and now.

Cheers!

Schrader.

Schrader, come on, open up.

What are you...

What the hell happened to you?

Nothing. Just a little
ritual bonding over
at the B.K.E. House.

What?
What are you talking about?

They kicked my ass,
until I told them
all about South Harmon.

Oh, shit.

They took my laptop,
the mailing list, everything.

Shit. Man, I'm sorry.

All I ever wanted
was a run-of-the-mill
college experience.

But not me, right?
I can't have that.

Not me!

'Cause I'm too busy
getting the shit
kicked out of me

and being an accomplice
to fraud!

Does
the run-of-the-mill
college experience

include stripping you
of your dignity?

Totally humiliating you,
making you wear a... a... a
frigging hot dog suit?

It's a tradition.
A tradition?

Yes.
I got a tradition
for you.

Schrader, you've been
my best friend
since we were 5 years old.

That's the only tradition
I know.

I just messed up.
I really messed up.

How? What happened?

With Schrader.

I know Bartleby
is by the pool.

Oh, my God.

What is it? Cops?

Worse. Parents.

Mom! Dad! Great!

Hey, guys.

Bartleby! Hiya, kid!

Hey, oh, it's so good
to see you!

Oh, it's great
to see you. Ow.
You look thin.

There's five good ones
right there
for my college boy, huh?

Hey, hey, Dad.

Wha... What... What... What
are you doing here?

Well, Parents' Day.

What a wonderful idea
on the part of the college,
you know?

Yeah.
Oh, right.

Parents' Day.
Of course.

Hello, everyone.
Now, welcome to Parents' Day.

And, uh, we're very glad
you could be here.

Um, we have a wonderful
guided tour planned

a-around the grounds
and the campus,

Show you
what we've been working on
all year.

So, welcome one and all.
Excuse me,
everyone.

May I have
your attention, please?

Oh, shit.

I knew I smelled bacon.

My name is Richard Van Horne.

Oh, Van Horne, yes.

The... The dean
of Harmon College,
our big sister school.

Give him a round of applause.
He's earned it.

Thank you for comin' by.
Great to see him here.

They are our
big sister school,

and we are honored
by their presence.

Thank you for that nice
introduction, young man,
but the joke is over.

Ladies and gentlemen,

South Harmon
Institute of Technology

is not the sister school
of Harmon

or of anything else,
for that matter.

More like cousins.
Thank you for coming.

It is not accredited.
Any...

Nor is it truly
an educational institution.

Is this true, Bartleby?

It is a sham, a fraud,

that undermines the efforts
of real colleges everywhere,

and I invite you
to confirm that

with the State Board
of Accreditation.

To all those students
who have been duped,

good luck applying
to schools next year.

And to Mr. Gaines
I say you will be hearing
from our attorneys.

Wow, Parents' Day.
Man, I wish I would have
thought of that.

Oh, that's right, I did.

Oh, and by the way,

if you, uh, if you see
that lease holder of yours,

will you tell him
that his lease
automatically breaks

when he's found
guilty of fraud?

Cool. Thanks, D.

Er, was it G?

That's right, it's F.
See you, F.

Guys, I can explain.
Mmm-mmm.

You have done
some stupid things
in your life, Bartleby,

but this...

You get your stuff together.
You meet us in the car.

This is unconscionable.

Ridiculous.

Hey.

So,

none of this was real?

That's not true.

Wait, Monica. Monica, wait.

Monica.

Sorry, man.

It's cool. We tried.

Have you completely
lost your mind?

Guys, the state defines
a college as a body of people

with a shared common purpose
of a higher education.

Well that's us, isn't it?

I mean, you know,
with the word "higher"
kind of loosely defined.

Uh, yeah.
He's completely lost his mind.

No, no. Listen,
all we have to do

is go before
the state accrediting board,

with a licensed administrator,
and just present our case.

B, look, let's just cut
our losses, okay?

What are we
talking about here, huh?

We're talking about
a stupid piece of paper.

I mean,
if a stupid piece of paper

is what's gonna
make us acceptable,

then let's go for it.
Why not?

'Cause you gotta remember,
it's not just about us
anymore, okay?

It's about everyone
who went to South Harmon.

Ah, great speech.

I was inspired,
I felt inspired by it.

Thanks a lot,
I'm... I'm taking it on tour.

What are you doing here?

Aw, I don't know. I had...
I had to pick up some stuff.

Some sage. Eggplant.
Olive oil. Some Funyuns.

Wait a minute.

Come on!

You're the one that applied
for accreditation,
aren't you?

Well, someone had
to do it, you know?

We all can't live
with our heads up our asses.

I disagree.
I... I don't get it, man.

You said you didn't wanna
be a part of this thing.

I didn't want to have
anything to do with it.

I wanted to be
the fourth generation
of Schrader to go to Harmon.

But then I realized,

I would much rather be
the first generation
of Schrader

to go to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.

I said it, okay?
I said it.

So you're saying,

you're saying
you want to be
a S.H.I.T. head?

I'm sayin' I want to be
a S.H.I.T. head.

I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.

Yeah, man, well, it's good
to have you back, buddy.

Yes.
Yeah!

Yay!

All right,
so we're doing it.

Thanks to this S.H.I.T. head,
we got a hearing
set for Friday.

Don't sweat it, kid.
I'm all over it.

All right, please remember,
Ben, this is serious,
all right?

If this doesn't work,
I'm going to prison.

Oh, don't worry,
you're young.
Your butt can take it.

Hello, sir. Um,
we're from South Harmon.

We have a 3:00
in Hearing Room A.

Okay, actually
your meeting room's been
changed to the Grand Hall.

Why the change?
It's bigger.

How did they...
Rory called them.

The whole school?

I had to do something.

This meeting of
the State Board of Education
will come to order.

Today we'll be hearing
the case for accreditation

for the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.

Your case for accreditation
is being contested

by Dean Richard Van Horne,

representing Harmon College.

Loser. Loser.

In order to become accredited,

a school must meet
three requirements.

You must have a facility,
a curriculum and a faculty.

Please state your case.

You're on, kid.

What? Wha... I thought
you were gonna handle this.
What are you doing?

Rule number one,
lead with your star witness.

Nobody knows South Harmon
and these kids
better than you.

So, it's showtime.

Let's kick some ass.

You're gonna be great, man.
Just go do your thing.

Sling some bull.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Uh,

ladies and gentlemen
of the panel, thank you
for meeting with us.

Um, my name's Bartleby Gaines
and I'm the co-founder of

South Harmon
Institute of Technology.

Sorry. Friends of mine.

Um, I'm... I'm sorry,
first of all,

w-what were those
three things that you listed?

A facility, a curriculum
and a faculty.

Facility, right.

Okay, well,
we definitely have a facility.

Uh, we have a common room,
we have dorm rooms.

Uh, we have
a skateboard ramp.

We got a tiki bar. Umm...

They have leased
an old mental hospital.

They have
none of the traditional
support facilities

or resources.

Mr. Gaines,
do you have a formal
athletic facility?

Okay, uh,
by formal you mean...

No. No, we don't.

A library?

No.

A health services center?
No.

No.

Your curriculum?

Our curriculum?
Yes.

Do you have a course book?
A comprehensive list
of your available classes?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Uh, Sunshine. Can you...

What is this?

Our curriculum.
These are the courses
we offer at South Harmon.

This is a joke.
"Slacking 101"?

Uh, tell me, Mr. Gaines,

how does one major
in bumper stickers?

Sir, um...

I'm sorry, Mr. Gaines.

I fail to see any merit

or scholastic value
in anything listed
on that board.

Okay, uh, guys,
you want to help me out here?

In "Taking A Walk
and Thinking About Stuff,"

we get to think about
what we want to do
with our lives

in a stress-free environment.

"Let It Speak To You 202"
is an art class in which
we discover our talents

by examining our
personal life experiences.

In "Skateboarding 234"
we built a ramp that teaches
us about engineering...

And physics.
And aerodynamics.

In "Rock Our Faces Off 222"

we listen to the music
and lyrical angst
of a lost generation.

And we rock our faces off.

They do.

Do you have
faculty present?

Yes, we do, sir.

Faculty, stand.

What is the meaning
of this?

See, at South Harmon,
sir, the students
are the teachers.

Aw, this is preposterous.

Students are not
and cannot be teachers.

Dean Van Horne
is right.

You must have a faculty
as defined by the state,
or you cannot be accredited.

Mr. Gaines, have you
employed a faculty or not?

Um...

Present and accounted for.

Oh, for God's sake.

Dr. Alexander, this man
has not been a part of
academia for three decades.

We were on the faculty
together at Harmon
in our late 20s,

and he washed out.

He's a drunk,
he's a degenerate,
and he's looney tunes.

Hey, asshole!
You're talking about
my mom's brother!

Oh, sit down!
Okay.

Hey! Why don't you take
your PhD and shove it
up your A-S-S?

Settle down
right this minute!

Dean Lewis! Sit down.

Order!

Couldn't help myself.

So, is that it,
Mr. Gaines?

You have one formal teacher
for upwards of 300 students?

Mr. Gaines.

Answer the question.

Nah, I'm not gonna
answer your question,

'cause you guys have
already made up your minds.

I'm an expert in rejection,

and I can see it
on your faces.

And it's too bad
that you judge us
by the way we look

and not by who we are.

Just because you want us
to be more like them

when the truth is
we're not like them.

And I am damn proud
of that fact.

Rock on!

I mean,

Harmon College and their...
and their 100 years
of tradition.

But tradition of what?

Of hazing kids

and humiliating anyone
who's a little bit different?

Of putting
so much pressure on kids

they turn into these...
these stress freaks
and caffeine addicts.

Your phony school
demeans real colleges
everywhere!

Why? Why can't
we both exist? Huh?

You can have your grades,
and your rules

and your structure,
and your ivory towers,

and then we'll do things
our way.

Why do we have to conform
to what you want?

Your curriculum is a joke,
and you, sir, are a criminal.

You know what?
You're a criminal.

'Cause you rob these kids
of their creativity
and their passion.

That's the real crime!

Yeah.
Maybe he's right.

Well, what about you parents?

Did... Did the system
really work out for you?

Did it teach you
to follow your heart,

or to just play it safe,
roll over?

What about you guys?

Did you always want to be
school administrators?

Dr. Alexander,
was that your dream?

Or maybe no,
maybe you wanted to be a poet.

Maybe you wanted to be
a magician or an artist.

Maybe you just wanted
to travel the world.

Look, I... I... I... I lied to you.

I lied to all of you,
and I'm sorry.

Dad, especially to you.

But out of that desperation,
something happened
that was so amazing.

Life was full
of possibilities.

A-A-And isn't that what you
ultimately want for us?

As parents, I mean,
is... is that,
is possibilities.

Well, we came here today
to ask for your approval,

and something
just occurred to me.

I don't give a shit!

Who cares about your approval?

We don't need your approval
to tell us that
what we did was real.

'Cause there are so few truths
in this world,

that when you see one,
you know it.

And I know that it is a truth

that real learning
took place at South Harmon.

Whether you like it or not,
it did.

'Cause you don't need teachers
or classrooms

or... or fancy
highbrow traditions
or money to really learn.

You just need people
with a desire
to better themselves,

and we got that
by the shitload
at South Harmon.

So you can go ahead,
sign your forms,

reject us and shoot us down,
and do whatever you gotta do.

It doesn't really matter
at this point.

Because we'll never
stop learning,

and we'll never stop growing,

and we'll never forget
the ideals that were
instilled in us

at our place.

'Cause we are
S.H.I.T. heads now,

and we'll be
S.H.I.T. heads forever

and nothing you can say
or do or stamp

can take that away from us!
So go!

Go ahead!

Everyone,

please, quiet down.

Everyone, please
quiet down.

Quiet down. Please.

Thank you.

Mr. Gaines,

your presentation
was unorthodox,

to say the least,

and your methodology is

questionable at best.

However,

the true purpose of education
is to stimulate the creativity

and the passions
of the student body.

And in that regard
you have certainly succeeded.

This board does not
reject innovation,

but it must be
watched carefully.

Therefore,

the South Harmon
Institute of Technology

will be granted a one-year
probationary period

in which to continue
its experimental programs.

Don't be so quick to judge
us by the way we look.

Congratulations.

Mr. Gaines?

Trombone.

What?

I wanted to play
jazz trombone.

It's never too late, sir.

Thank you.

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing here?

I don't know. There were just
a lot of things in my life

that I thought were real
that ended up being fake.

So, why can't the opposite
be true?

This is not your orientation.
This is your disorientation.

You have been orientated
for years.

Don't come up to me, go
"Where am I gonna get that?"

I'm not interested!
You figure it out.

I only wanted
big things for you,
Bartleby.

I'd say this is pretty big.

Thanks, Dad.
Ah!

Thanks, Pop.

Okay, honey, I want you
to have a good semester.

Okay, I will. I love you.
Lizzie, up top.

Wasn't enthusiastic,
but I'll take it.

And I appreciate the smile.

Schrads!
Hey, no time for chit-chat,
my friend.

I'm teaching "Skepticism 401."
Sha-mon!

At South Harmon,
we like to begin each semester

by clearing our minds
and doing some deep breathing.

I got 85 pork tenderloins with
balsamic vinegar demiglaze.
Ka-blam!

Eddie, we gotta pack
these paninis for Rory's
nature walk.

Pronto!

And someone
get a rabbi down here
to bless this chicken.

Tomorrow we're gonna
go kosher.

South Harmon
actually allowed me
the opportunity

to rediscover my passion
for the arts.

So I urge you guys
to do the same.
Let it come from the heart.

Let it come from inside.
And... And let the art
speak for itself.

You agree?
Watch... Watch the tip.

Excuse me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

If you're gonna take
my picture, you gotta take it
from my good side.

Um, so there wouldn't
happen to be anybody around

that could show me
to my new dorm room,
would there?

As fate would have it,
I recall your room being
right next to mine.

Really? They're not adjoining
though, right?

Oh, no, no, no.
That would be
totally unacceptable.

And do me a favor.
Enjoy your time here.

You got four years,
these are the best years
of your life.

And then, you're.

I told you.