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Previously on this documentary...
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00:00:15,430 --> 00:00:16,767
Colin Robinson is dying.
3
00:00:19,305 --> 00:00:20,542
I will be returning to England
4
00:00:20,575 --> 00:00:22,111
to assume a position on the
5
00:00:22,144 --> 00:00:23,614
Supreme Vampiric Council.
6
00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:27,087
Will you do me the honor
of accompanying me on my journey
7
00:00:27,121 --> 00:00:28,758
around the world?
8
00:00:28,791 --> 00:00:31,597
- Make sure you look after my wife.
- What? Aah! No!
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00:00:31,630 --> 00:00:34,435
There are, it seems,
others in our world
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00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:36,807
whose existence
is even more terrifying
11
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,245
and mysterious than our own.
12
00:00:39,278 --> 00:00:40,480
Shit.
13
00:01:09,272 --> 00:01:12,077
TOBY
Josh and Elana wanted
an open concept,
14
00:01:12,111 --> 00:01:14,081
so we suggested taking down
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00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:16,185
the wall dividing the kitchen
and dining room
16
00:01:16,219 --> 00:01:18,624
and using a terra-cotta
backsplash to unify the space...
17
00:01:18,658 --> 00:01:21,095
Terra-cotta backsplash would
make a great accent.
18
00:01:21,129 --> 00:01:24,101
What he hasn't mentioned is that
that's a load-bearing wall.
19
00:01:24,135 --> 00:01:25,805
...this was
a low-bearing wall...
20
00:01:25,838 --> 00:01:27,474
Oh, I've spoken too soon.
21
00:01:27,509 --> 00:01:29,312
Apologies to you, Bran.
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00:01:29,345 --> 00:01:32,251
What the... Ah.
23
00:01:32,284 --> 00:01:34,823
Hello there. Long time no see.
24
00:01:34,856 --> 00:01:37,862
- Come on in, but keep it down.
- Okay.
25
00:01:37,896 --> 00:01:40,434
I've found that
this is the only thing
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00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:42,271
that'll lull him to sleep.
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00:01:42,304 --> 00:01:45,778
Since Nadja and Nandor departed,
it's been just me and the lad.
28
00:01:45,812 --> 00:01:47,348
I don't want to call him
Colin Robinson,
29
00:01:47,381 --> 00:01:49,418
even though he did crawl out of
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00:01:49,452 --> 00:01:51,523
the chest cavity of
the deceased Colin Robinson.
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00:01:51,557 --> 00:01:53,326
He really is his own little man,
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00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:55,330
and I'd like
to keep it that way.
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00:01:55,364 --> 00:01:56,867
So, I just call him boy.
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00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:59,539
He's been growing
at a remarkable rate,
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00:01:59,573 --> 00:02:01,610
and he's a wild little creature,
36
00:02:01,644 --> 00:02:03,346
full of mischief and surprises.
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00:02:03,380 --> 00:02:06,219
Shit. There we are. Good boy.
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00:02:06,252 --> 00:02:08,624
And not a bit the boring,
energy-draining Colin Robinson
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00:02:08,658 --> 00:02:10,293
from whence he came.
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00:02:10,327 --> 00:02:12,565
He's a good little helper.
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00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:14,468
Boy, I'm gonna need one nail.
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00:02:14,503 --> 00:02:16,306
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
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00:02:16,339 --> 00:02:18,310
Yeah. All right.
44
00:02:18,343 --> 00:02:19,846
Helping me maintain this house.
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00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:20,882
One.
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Which, I'm sure you've noticed,
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00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:23,788
has seen better days.
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00:02:23,821 --> 00:02:26,627
He's given me
a sense of purpose.
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00:02:26,660 --> 00:02:29,566
And under my tutelage,
with exposure to woodcraft,
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00:02:29,599 --> 00:02:31,235
scintillating conversation...
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00:02:31,269 --> 00:02:33,473
- Good work, boy.
- ...high culture...
52
00:02:33,507 --> 00:02:35,645
- En garde.
- ...and, of course, swordsmanship...
53
00:02:35,678 --> 00:02:37,214
- Ha.
- Shit.
54
00:02:37,247 --> 00:02:38,283
Ah, you're getting better.
55
00:02:38,316 --> 00:02:39,519
...I think I can mold
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00:02:39,553 --> 00:02:41,590
this blank canvas of a boy
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00:02:41,623 --> 00:02:45,497
into the most interesting adult
there has ever been.
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00:02:48,571 --> 00:02:50,942
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
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00:02:50,975 --> 00:02:53,547
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
60
00:02:53,581 --> 00:02:56,285
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
61
00:02:56,319 --> 00:02:59,225
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
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00:03:00,661 --> 00:03:03,701
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
63
00:03:03,734 --> 00:03:06,507
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
64
00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:08,778
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
65
00:03:08,811 --> 00:03:11,517
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
66
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:24,509
Oh, no.
67
00:03:24,543 --> 00:03:27,347
It's those bastards
from the gas company.
68
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:28,851
Yes, there's a gas leak.
69
00:03:28,884 --> 00:03:31,289
Yes, I need to do
something about it.
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00:03:31,322 --> 00:03:33,694
Yes, if you turn up again,
I'm gonna kill you.
71
00:03:33,728 --> 00:03:35,998
All right, all right.
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00:03:36,032 --> 00:03:38,771
All these wooden boxes and shit
have been arriving
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00:03:38,804 --> 00:03:40,608
for my wife for weeks.
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00:03:40,641 --> 00:03:42,377
I do mean to send them on
to London,
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00:03:42,411 --> 00:03:45,952
but I've been too busy
murdering these gas employees
76
00:03:45,985 --> 00:03:48,991
that they insist
on sending round.
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00:03:50,661 --> 00:03:52,498
Guess who.
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00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:54,936
Where the hell
did you come from?
79
00:03:54,970 --> 00:03:57,542
Well, I had a little help.
80
00:03:57,575 --> 00:04:00,782
- Surprise!
- My darling!
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00:04:00,815 --> 00:04:02,519
- Oh, my love.
- Every day of your absence
82
00:04:02,552 --> 00:04:03,954
- Oh, I've missed you so much.
- has felt like a decade.
83
00:04:03,988 --> 00:04:05,958
Every decade, a century.
Let's fuck.
84
00:04:05,992 --> 00:04:07,494
These guys are still alive?
85
00:04:07,529 --> 00:04:09,265
Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter.
86
00:04:09,298 --> 00:04:10,701
Don't you want to know
why I've returned from London?
87
00:04:10,735 --> 00:04:12,872
Yeah, you can tell me later.
It'll wait.
88
00:04:12,906 --> 00:04:16,012
My work with the Worldwide
Supreme Vampiric Council was
89
00:04:16,045 --> 00:04:19,452
so challenging
but also fulfilling, you know?
90
00:04:19,485 --> 00:04:20,721
- Yeah.
- And... and I gave it all up.
91
00:04:20,755 --> 00:04:22,357
I had to,
92
00:04:22,391 --> 00:04:24,395
because I missed you so much.
93
00:04:24,428 --> 00:04:28,336
- My wide lover.
- Your wise mov...
94
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:31,442
You are a naughty bloody boy.
95
00:04:31,476 --> 00:04:33,279
You were supposed
to come with me to London,
96
00:04:33,313 --> 00:04:35,585
but you just packed me up
and shipped me off.
97
00:04:35,618 --> 00:04:36,987
My darling,
I had to look after the boy.
98
00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:38,691
- I wrote to you.
- Yes, yes,
99
00:04:38,724 --> 00:04:40,895
about creature that crawled out
of the cavity of
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00:04:40,928 --> 00:04:44,301
dead Colin Robinson's chest.
I understand, I guess.
101
00:04:44,335 --> 00:04:46,372
Speak of the devil.
102
00:04:46,405 --> 00:04:48,343
Hello. Is that you, little one?
103
00:04:48,376 --> 00:04:49,411
- Mommy's home.
- That's not him.
104
00:04:49,445 --> 00:04:50,681
Are you sure?
105
00:04:50,715 --> 00:04:52,685
Yes, that's a raccoon,
my darling.
106
00:04:52,719 --> 00:04:54,689
They've taken residence in the library.
107
00:04:54,723 --> 00:04:57,795
- Oh.
- The boy himself is upstairs, asleep.
108
00:04:57,829 --> 00:04:59,498
Well, perfect, then.
109
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,937
- Yeah.
- I want to peel you like a potato
110
00:05:01,970 --> 00:05:03,574
and mash your insides.
111
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:04,943
- Come on.
- Okay.
112
00:05:04,976 --> 00:05:06,479
Watch your step, my darling.
113
00:05:06,513 --> 00:05:08,416
The water damage
has ruined the wood.
114
00:05:08,449 --> 00:05:10,353
Not this wood.
115
00:05:10,387 --> 00:05:11,890
Shit, I almost forgot.
116
00:05:11,924 --> 00:05:13,393
Before we go upstairs,
117
00:05:13,426 --> 00:05:16,365
I have a little surprise
for you.
118
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:18,036
It'll wait.
119
00:05:18,069 --> 00:05:19,806
Come on!
120
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:23,848
Wassup...!
121
00:05:28,389 --> 00:05:31,597
Uh, it is a saying
from the olden days
122
00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:32,866
that I learned on my travels.
123
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:34,769
I don't know what it means,
124
00:05:34,803 --> 00:05:36,640
but I like how it sounds.
125
00:05:36,673 --> 00:05:38,577
Yeah, well, it's a great story.
126
00:05:38,611 --> 00:05:40,013
Thank you.
But, uh,
127
00:05:40,046 --> 00:05:41,349
darling, "why haven't
we finished fucking?",
128
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:42,619
you might ask yourself.
129
00:05:42,652 --> 00:05:44,054
Well, the answer is
130
00:05:44,088 --> 00:05:46,058
it's 'cause we haven't
managed to start yet.
131
00:05:46,092 --> 00:05:48,363
- Do excuse us.
- Laszlo.
132
00:05:48,396 --> 00:05:51,402
I know you're not
a sentimental fellow,
133
00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:52,972
and neither am I,
134
00:05:53,006 --> 00:05:55,511
- but I have missed you.
- Aw.
135
00:05:55,545 --> 00:05:57,549
And it feels really good
to be back in the house!
136
00:05:57,582 --> 00:05:58,784
- Shit.
- Fucking hell.
137
00:05:58,817 --> 00:05:59,953
Is he dead? Huh?
- I'm okay!
138
00:05:59,986 --> 00:06:02,124
No?
- I'm okay.
139
00:06:02,157 --> 00:06:04,729
There's a very strong smell
of gas leak down here.
140
00:06:04,763 --> 00:06:08,971
Could someone throw me down a lit candle,
141
00:06:09,004 --> 00:06:10,708
and I can find my way out?
142
00:06:20,427 --> 00:06:22,799
My eat, prey, love journey?
143
00:06:22,832 --> 00:06:24,068
Where to begin?
144
00:06:25,203 --> 00:06:27,742
As fate would have it,
I got as far as...
145
00:06:27,775 --> 00:06:30,113
Fresno, I think it is called.
146
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:34,823
I met a very plump family
on the train
147
00:06:34,856 --> 00:06:35,958
from Wisconsin.
148
00:06:35,992 --> 00:06:37,494
I planned to drain them,
149
00:06:37,528 --> 00:06:39,766
but they were quite endearing.
150
00:06:39,799 --> 00:06:41,870
They had a very particular
way of speaking,
151
00:06:41,904 --> 00:06:43,473
It was like, um...
152
00:06:43,507 --> 00:06:45,811
"Oh, hey there, Nandor.
153
00:06:45,845 --> 00:06:47,949
"You want to come see
the Packers pound
154
00:06:47,982 --> 00:06:51,556
the frozen tundra
of the Lambeau Field?"
155
00:06:51,590 --> 00:06:53,159
Something like that.
156
00:06:54,161 --> 00:06:57,969
The love and the affection that
this family had for each other,
157
00:06:58,002 --> 00:07:00,473
it made me miss my own family.
158
00:07:00,508 --> 00:07:03,179
I grew homesick,
not for Staten Island
159
00:07:03,212 --> 00:07:06,586
but my real home in Al Qolnidar.
160
00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:09,024
So I booked passage
on a container ship
161
00:07:09,058 --> 00:07:11,228
to...
162
00:07:11,262 --> 00:07:13,099
I kind of get the idea
163
00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:14,903
that you guys aren't really
listening to what I'm saying.
164
00:07:14,936 --> 00:07:16,472
We're listening.
- Yeah, I mean,
165
00:07:16,506 --> 00:07:17,942
I'm capable of doing
two things at once.
166
00:07:17,976 --> 00:07:19,980
Faster.
Go on.
167
00:07:20,013 --> 00:07:21,650
Something about
a container ship.
168
00:07:21,683 --> 00:07:23,052
Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, so,
169
00:07:23,086 --> 00:07:25,023
I hitched a ride on a ship,
170
00:07:25,056 --> 00:07:26,492
and after I'd drained
all of the crew,
171
00:07:26,526 --> 00:07:28,229
we ran into a little delay.
172
00:07:28,262 --> 00:07:29,966
A traffic jam on one of
173
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,603
the most important waterways
in the world.
174
00:07:31,637 --> 00:07:33,540
The Suez Canal
was blocked on Tuesday
175
00:07:33,574 --> 00:07:35,210
when a very large
container carrier got s...
176
00:07:35,243 --> 00:07:38,717
Finally, I found my way back
to Al Qolnidar.
177
00:07:38,751 --> 00:07:40,020
My h...
178
00:07:40,053 --> 00:07:41,556
Oh, wow.
179
00:07:41,590 --> 00:07:45,163
- Look at you.
- Hello, darling.
180
00:07:45,196 --> 00:07:47,702
That was the baby
Colin Robinson, I assume?
181
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:50,808
No. That came from the body
of Colin Robinson,
182
00:07:50,841 --> 00:07:52,612
but is something completely
different entirely.
183
00:07:52,645 --> 00:07:54,849
Is it boring
like Colin Robinson?
184
00:07:54,883 --> 00:07:58,524
- Well, now that is an excellent question.
- Thank you.
185
00:07:58,557 --> 00:08:00,160
One that I have been
vigorously applying
186
00:08:00,193 --> 00:08:02,665
my scientific method to
for the past two months.
187
00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:05,270
My work began with
experiments in isolation.
188
00:08:05,303 --> 00:08:08,209
I dabbled in phrenology.
189
00:08:08,242 --> 00:08:10,748
Disappointed. Shocked.
190
00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:12,919
Happy. Puzzled.
191
00:08:12,952 --> 00:08:14,288
Fortifying good judgment.
192
00:08:14,321 --> 00:08:17,929
Important literature
or colorful shit.
193
00:08:17,962 --> 00:08:20,233
- Um...
- Make your choice.
194
00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:22,104
No!
195
00:08:22,137 --> 00:08:23,707
And, of course, electroshock therapy.
196
00:08:23,741 --> 00:08:25,578
Again.
197
00:08:25,611 --> 00:08:29,084
I subjected him to all manner
of boring imagery.
198
00:08:29,118 --> 00:08:31,288
He found it just as tedious
as I did.
199
00:08:31,322 --> 00:08:35,030
I am delighted to report that
he is not and will not grow into
200
00:08:35,063 --> 00:08:38,670
the boring energy vampire
from whence he came.
201
00:08:38,704 --> 00:08:40,006
Rubbish.
202
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,643
Only today, I was
203
00:08:41,676 --> 00:08:42,745
conducting a new experiment...
204
00:08:42,779 --> 00:08:44,181
Are you two having sex again?
205
00:08:44,214 --> 00:08:46,653
Well, I'm not
baking a cake, Nandor.
206
00:08:46,686 --> 00:08:48,222
It would be so much
more enjoyable
207
00:08:48,256 --> 00:08:50,761
if you would stop interrupting.
208
00:08:50,795 --> 00:08:52,598
Or you could join in, old chap.
Come on.
209
00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:54,134
Room in the back.
210
00:08:54,168 --> 00:08:56,105
I'm tempted, but, uh,
I'll leave you guys to it
211
00:08:56,138 --> 00:08:58,009
and just watch, if that's all right. Okay.
212
00:08:58,042 --> 00:08:59,879
Yes, I'm cl...
I'm really close.
213
00:08:59,913 --> 00:09:01,215
You might have to
calm this down, my darling.
214
00:09:01,248 --> 00:09:03,286
I'm not sure
this settee can take it.
215
00:09:03,319 --> 00:09:06,325
This settee has taken centuries of our love.
216
00:09:08,362 --> 00:09:10,166
Whoa.
217
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,636
Are you okay?
218
00:09:11,670 --> 00:09:13,707
You want me to
throw you down a candle?
219
00:09:13,741 --> 00:09:17,347
Fuck me.
- Okay, here I go.
220
00:09:17,380 --> 00:09:19,619
They're at it again.
221
00:09:19,652 --> 00:09:22,324
Are you doing a role play
or are you really drowning?
222
00:09:22,357 --> 00:09:24,863
Drowning, my darling.
It's hot, yeah?
223
00:09:24,896 --> 00:09:27,100
Listen to this place.
224
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:29,071
It sounds like the entire house
is going to collapse
225
00:09:29,104 --> 00:09:31,342
- at any moment. Ay! Ay! The f...
- Careful, old chap.
226
00:09:31,375 --> 00:09:33,881
There's a hole there.
227
00:09:33,914 --> 00:09:35,684
What is that thumping?
228
00:09:35,718 --> 00:09:37,087
It's just bad pipes. It'll pass.
229
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,191
I had to take
a sledgehammer to that wall,
230
00:09:39,224 --> 00:09:42,030
that wall and that wall down there.
231
00:09:42,063 --> 00:09:45,604
- Oh.
- I tried to find the culprit, but so far, no luck.
232
00:09:45,638 --> 00:09:47,107
We are running out of rooms
to sit in
233
00:09:47,140 --> 00:09:49,344
that aren't completely
falling apart.
234
00:09:49,378 --> 00:09:51,817
- It's true.
- I do wish Guillermo was still here.
235
00:09:51,850 --> 00:09:53,954
At least he kept the house
tidy and shipshape.
236
00:09:53,987 --> 00:09:55,290
Who's he talking about?
237
00:09:55,323 --> 00:09:56,827
Guillermo.
Who?
238
00:09:56,860 --> 00:09:58,362
You know, Guillermo.
239
00:09:58,396 --> 00:09:59,966
Doesn't matter how many times
you keep saying it.
240
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,237
He's about this tall,
glasses, shitty sweater.
241
00:10:02,270 --> 00:10:04,241
Nadja, I think it's time.
242
00:10:04,274 --> 00:10:06,780
Oh! That reminds me.
243
00:10:06,813 --> 00:10:09,819
I have got a teensy
little present for you both.
244
00:10:09,853 --> 00:10:10,888
Oh.
Oh.
Now...
245
00:10:10,921 --> 00:10:12,090
Okay, don't get too excited.
246
00:10:12,124 --> 00:10:13,326
It's not that good.
247
00:10:13,359 --> 00:10:14,796
Should I cover my eyes?
248
00:10:14,829 --> 00:10:15,998
I love surprises. Okay...
249
00:10:16,031 --> 00:10:17,167
Ta-da!
250
00:10:18,871 --> 00:10:20,240
Surprise!
251
00:10:20,273 --> 00:10:21,643
Oh, that guy. Guillermo.
252
00:10:21,676 --> 00:10:23,179
Oh.
Right.
253
00:10:24,883 --> 00:10:27,120
How could you ship me
across the Atlantic
254
00:10:27,154 --> 00:10:29,792
in a wooden crate?
Twice!
255
00:10:29,826 --> 00:10:31,897
Always a complaint
with this one.
256
00:10:31,930 --> 00:10:35,069
I packed you extra Oreos
and Pedialyte this time around,
257
00:10:35,103 --> 00:10:37,775
- just to be nice.
- I've been pounding from the inside
258
00:10:37,809 --> 00:10:40,246
of this wooden crate for a week!
259
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:41,983
Oh! That's what it was.
260
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:44,121
If I'd have known that, I
wouldn't have trashed the place.
261
00:10:44,154 --> 00:10:46,325
Good news is pipes are fine.
262
00:10:46,358 --> 00:10:48,062
That is good news.
263
00:10:48,095 --> 00:10:50,768
Okay, something
is happening now.
264
00:10:50,801 --> 00:10:53,039
I think he's going to make
a poop in his knickers.
265
00:10:53,072 --> 00:10:55,744
That, or he's about to start crying. Guillermo.
266
00:10:55,778 --> 00:10:57,882
If you want to cry, that's fine,
we won't judge you.
267
00:10:57,915 --> 00:10:59,384
But if you wish
to poop your pants,
268
00:10:59,418 --> 00:11:00,754
then I'd rather you
go somewhere else and do it.
269
00:11:00,788 --> 00:11:03,092
- You're dead to me.
- Ah.
270
00:11:03,125 --> 00:11:05,029
- You're dead to me.
- Uh...
271
00:11:05,063 --> 00:11:07,234
You're dead to me!
The fuck did I do?
272
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,806
Hm. Well, technically,
273
00:11:09,839 --> 00:11:11,308
we're all already dead, so...
274
00:11:11,342 --> 00:11:13,012
Nad... Nadja,
275
00:11:13,045 --> 00:11:15,016
that is not helpful
at this particular juncture.
276
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:17,855
Goodbye for... Aah!
Whoa!
277
00:11:17,889 --> 00:11:19,458
Guillermo, I'm coming!
278
00:11:19,491 --> 00:11:21,395
Oh, shit.
279
00:11:24,134 --> 00:11:25,169
Is he dead?
280
00:11:25,203 --> 00:11:26,806
Oh.
281
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,710
Bloody hell.
282
00:11:29,913 --> 00:11:31,415
- Well, he needed a bath.
- Agreed.
283
00:11:32,417 --> 00:11:34,054
Charming.
- That's better.
284
00:11:43,439 --> 00:11:45,076
How we feeling?
285
00:11:46,245 --> 00:11:48,717
- I'm fine.
- Mm.
286
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,854
I've had a lot of time
to think about my life lately,
287
00:11:50,888 --> 00:11:53,192
while I was nailed
inside a shipping crate
288
00:11:53,226 --> 00:11:54,862
for two weeks.
289
00:11:54,896 --> 00:11:56,866
I got to start
looking out for number one.
290
00:11:58,102 --> 00:11:59,404
That-that would be me.
291
00:11:59,438 --> 00:12:02,410
In this case,
I'm num-I'm number one.
292
00:12:02,444 --> 00:12:04,181
How's about I fix you up
some, uh...
293
00:12:04,214 --> 00:12:05,818
Glass of water, please.
294
00:12:05,851 --> 00:12:07,454
Glass of water, coming up.
295
00:12:07,487 --> 00:12:11,028
I know that you want to leave, Guillermo.
296
00:12:11,061 --> 00:12:13,165
You feel disrespected.
297
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:15,336
Much in the same way,
298
00:12:15,370 --> 00:12:18,476
you disrespected me
by leaving me all alone
299
00:12:18,510 --> 00:12:22,050
at a train station in New Jersey
with my dick in my hand.
300
00:12:22,083 --> 00:12:25,023
- That wasn't my fault.
- Agree to disagree.
301
00:12:25,056 --> 00:12:28,162
Anyway, that was in the past
now, and I forgive you.
302
00:12:28,195 --> 00:12:30,233
And also, I need you to stay
303
00:12:30,266 --> 00:12:33,072
and do something very important for me.
304
00:12:33,105 --> 00:12:34,876
Well...
305
00:12:34,909 --> 00:12:37,548
- what is it?
- It's not...
306
00:12:37,581 --> 00:12:41,790
easy thing for
an ancient warrior to ask.
307
00:12:44,061 --> 00:12:46,833
Guillermo de la Cruz.
308
00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:48,035
Did I say it right?
309
00:12:48,069 --> 00:12:50,373
- Yes.
- Once my familiar,
310
00:12:50,406 --> 00:12:53,847
also my bodyguard,
always my friend.
311
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,251
Based on definition of the word.
312
00:12:56,285 --> 00:12:58,055
- You could've stopped there.
- Would you
313
00:12:58,089 --> 00:13:00,561
do me the great honor
314
00:13:00,594 --> 00:13:03,099
of being...
315
00:13:03,132 --> 00:13:05,804
the best man at my wedding?
316
00:13:05,838 --> 00:13:08,275
- You're getting married?
- Yes. Now, don't be jealous.
317
00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:10,113
I'm actually not.
318
00:13:10,146 --> 00:13:12,551
- Oh. Okay.
- I'm really happy for you.
319
00:13:12,585 --> 00:13:14,889
I will accept this great honor.
320
00:13:14,922 --> 00:13:16,325
Great. Good.
321
00:13:16,358 --> 00:13:17,962
I'm still looking out
322
00:13:17,995 --> 00:13:19,464
for number one, I'll just be
323
00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:21,135
Nandor's best man first.
324
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:23,072
One could argue that
it's way cooler
325
00:13:23,105 --> 00:13:25,410
to be made into a best man
than into a vampire.
326
00:13:25,443 --> 00:13:28,249
Don't know
who would say that, but...
327
00:13:28,282 --> 00:13:29,451
one could argue that.
328
00:13:29,484 --> 00:13:31,589
So, who is she?
329
00:13:31,623 --> 00:13:34,027
- Who is who?
- Your bride-to-be?
330
00:13:34,061 --> 00:13:35,196
- I don't know yet.
- What?
331
00:13:35,229 --> 00:13:36,198
I have not picked one.
332
00:13:36,231 --> 00:13:37,267
You haven't picked one?
333
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:39,004
I have been very lonely,
334
00:13:39,037 --> 00:13:41,175
and the obvious fix is
to take a bride immediately,
335
00:13:41,208 --> 00:13:43,312
preferably before
the end of the month.
336
00:13:43,346 --> 00:13:45,584
- This seems a bit hasty.
- Thank you.
337
00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:48,089
And you are going to help me
pick my bride,
338
00:13:48,122 --> 00:13:50,393
because that is
what a best man does.
339
00:13:50,426 --> 00:13:52,130
Actually, that's not
what a best man does.
340
00:13:52,163 --> 00:13:53,165
What a best man does is...
341
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:55,069
What the fuck is that?
342
00:13:55,103 --> 00:13:57,140
Oh, this is the creature that
crawled out of the chest cavity
343
00:13:57,173 --> 00:13:59,612
of Colin Robinson's dead body
after he died.
344
00:13:59,645 --> 00:14:02,918
Why does it have a lit candle
on its head?
345
00:14:02,952 --> 00:14:04,589
He could catch on fire or
catch this whole place on fire.
346
00:14:04,622 --> 00:14:06,926
Ah, there he is.
347
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,231
Yes.
- I found him.
Okay, I found him.
348
00:14:09,264 --> 00:14:11,235
- He's giving me sweet little kisses.
- No, my darling.
349
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:13,907
I don't know what you've got
out there, but he's in here.
350
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,878
Oh, okay. Never mind.
351
00:14:18,215 --> 00:14:19,952
Okay. He has
352
00:14:19,986 --> 00:14:21,589
the candle on his head
for when he sneaks
353
00:14:21,623 --> 00:14:24,461
down to the basement
and swims in all the sewage.
354
00:14:24,494 --> 00:14:26,098
- It's very dark down there.
- What?
355
00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:27,635
You let him swim in the sewage?
356
00:14:27,668 --> 00:14:29,505
It helps him
shake off the sillies.
357
00:14:29,539 --> 00:14:31,475
Now, I have a little boy
358
00:14:31,509 --> 00:14:33,513
who needs feeding.
359
00:14:33,547 --> 00:14:35,584
There you are.
360
00:14:35,617 --> 00:14:37,153
You like these, don't you?
361
00:14:37,187 --> 00:14:39,157
Are you ready?
Here we go.
362
00:14:39,191 --> 00:14:40,527
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
363
00:14:40,561 --> 00:14:42,898
- No.
- Now, sit.
364
00:14:42,932 --> 00:14:45,136
Stay, boy.
365
00:14:45,169 --> 00:14:46,639
And... have at it.
366
00:14:48,677 --> 00:14:50,681
Just can't leave
that innocent kid
367
00:14:50,714 --> 00:14:54,020
in this death trap of a house
with those lunatics.
368
00:14:55,289 --> 00:14:57,427
My mom worked a lot
when I was little.
369
00:14:57,460 --> 00:15:01,135
So I had to take care of myself
a lot, and it was hard.
370
00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:02,938
And no kid should
371
00:15:02,972 --> 00:15:04,141
have to go through that.
372
00:15:04,174 --> 00:15:06,345
I'm gonna just focus on me.
373
00:15:06,378 --> 00:15:09,017
Me first. Me.
374
00:15:09,050 --> 00:15:10,921
You're looking at a brand-new
Guillermo de la Cruz.
375
00:15:12,257 --> 00:15:13,560
After I take care of the wedding
376
00:15:13,593 --> 00:15:15,229
and make sure
that child doesn't die.
377
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:18,135
This is my favorite part
right here...
378
00:15:18,169 --> 00:15:21,041
So, Guillermo
has made a good point.
379
00:15:21,074 --> 00:15:24,014
- Hmm.
- That we should probably make some concrete steps
380
00:15:24,047 --> 00:15:25,984
into fixing this house,
381
00:15:26,018 --> 00:15:28,723
because it has become
a mortal danger for us
382
00:15:28,757 --> 00:15:31,128
and also for
the little creature
383
00:15:31,161 --> 00:15:33,667
You mean the baby?
384
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:36,305
the chest of the corpse of
our dead friend, Colin Robinson.
385
00:15:36,338 --> 00:15:38,008
Which is what we are doing.
386
00:15:38,042 --> 00:15:40,146
I'm sorry, but I don't know
how watching 15 episodes
387
00:15:40,179 --> 00:15:43,085
of these two dimwits
installing kitchen islands
388
00:15:43,119 --> 00:15:45,089
in other people's homes
is going to help us
389
00:15:45,123 --> 00:15:46,726
- fix our house.
- Yep. My darling,
390
00:15:46,759 --> 00:15:49,264
Bran and Toby are brothers
with a keen eye
391
00:15:49,297 --> 00:15:51,001
on interior decor.
392
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:53,540
They turn
the most mundane property
393
00:15:53,573 --> 00:15:55,677
from shabby, uh, to chic.
394
00:15:55,711 --> 00:15:58,082
Tell 'em we're gonna need a structural engineer,
395
00:15:58,115 --> 00:16:01,054
a team of contractors,
and at least two plumbers.
396
00:16:01,088 --> 00:16:03,159
Guillermo said that
we're gonna need a structural...
397
00:16:03,192 --> 00:16:04,529
- Yeah, we heard him, you prat.
- Yes, he's sitting right there.
398
00:16:04,562 --> 00:16:06,098
Guillermo has decided
399
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,068
that he's no longer
talking to you both
400
00:16:08,102 --> 00:16:09,972
because of the bad way
you have treated him
401
00:16:10,006 --> 00:16:12,377
over the last 12 years. Ooh.
402
00:16:12,410 --> 00:16:14,381
A bit of sass from the boy.
403
00:16:18,022 --> 00:16:20,159
Okay, now we are all
friends again,
404
00:16:20,193 --> 00:16:22,263
and we are breaking
each other's balls.
405
00:16:22,297 --> 00:16:23,567
No, that's really not what's going on here.
Well, to fix
406
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,169
this house,
we need money, correct?
407
00:16:25,203 --> 00:16:26,573
Does anyone know
if we have any money?
408
00:16:26,606 --> 00:16:28,610
- Anyone? Cash.
- Uh...
409
00:16:28,643 --> 00:16:30,747
- Coin. Gold.
- Moola. Wonga.
410
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,319
- Rubles. Lettuce. Dough.
- Milk. Bread.
411
00:16:33,352 --> 00:16:35,056
Sweet cream.
stripper tips.
412
00:16:35,089 --> 00:16:36,659
Anyone?
Colin Robinson was in charge
413
00:16:36,693 --> 00:16:39,331
of paying all the bills
in the house,
414
00:16:39,364 --> 00:16:41,335
and now Colin Robinson is dead.
415
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,072
No, he's not. He's right over...
416
00:16:43,105 --> 00:16:44,575
Oh, no, no, Colin. Colin!
417
00:16:44,609 --> 00:16:46,311
No, Colin. No, no, no.
418
00:16:46,345 --> 00:16:48,048
That is not Colin Robinson, so...
419
00:16:48,082 --> 00:16:50,419
- Yes, it is.
- No, it's not.
420
00:16:50,453 --> 00:16:53,359
It came from Colin Robinson, but
don't call him Colin Robinson.
421
00:16:53,392 --> 00:16:55,664
Have a seat, right here.
I do have Colin Robinson's
422
00:16:55,697 --> 00:16:58,269
automated teller machine card.
423
00:16:58,302 --> 00:17:01,408
- Ooh.
- But what I don't have, I'm afraid, is Colin Robinson's
424
00:17:01,441 --> 00:17:04,281
automated teller machine card password.
425
00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:06,318
Any ideas?
426
00:17:06,351 --> 00:17:07,688
You can't be that stupid,
can you? Just give me that.
427
00:17:07,721 --> 00:17:09,291
Ooh.
428
00:17:09,324 --> 00:17:11,395
This boy's grown some claws.
429
00:17:11,428 --> 00:17:13,432
Hey, buddy. I'm Guillermo.
430
00:17:13,465 --> 00:17:15,203
- What's your name?
- Colin.
431
00:17:15,236 --> 00:17:16,506
Oh, no, no, no, no.
432
00:17:16,539 --> 00:17:18,142
The only reason
why he said that is
433
00:17:18,175 --> 00:17:19,612
'cause he's heard you say Colin
many times.
434
00:17:19,645 --> 00:17:21,749
Okay. Hey, buddy.
435
00:17:21,783 --> 00:17:24,054
Do you know the password
to this card?
436
00:17:24,087 --> 00:17:27,427
- Three.
- Three. Can we get a-a piece of paper and pen?
437
00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:29,599
- Good job. Very good.
- My quill, my quill.
438
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,769
- Three-three. What else?
- Three, yes.
439
00:17:31,803 --> 00:17:33,673
- One.
- One. One.
440
00:17:33,707 --> 00:17:35,510
Hang on. Four. Four.
441
00:17:35,544 --> 00:17:36,779
Four.
Anything else, Colin?
442
00:17:36,813 --> 00:17:38,315
- One.
- One. One.
443
00:17:38,349 --> 00:17:39,719
This is quite miraculous.
444
00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:45,564
Four. Three.
445
00:17:45,597 --> 00:17:49,337
- One. Zero. Two.
- At least I tried.
446
00:17:49,371 --> 00:17:51,041
Bloody waste of time.
447
00:17:56,418 --> 00:17:58,088
Do you know what could be
a very good moneymaker?
448
00:17:58,122 --> 00:18:01,361
Opening up
our own vampire nightclub.
449
00:18:01,395 --> 00:18:03,198
Ooh, yes, a great idea.
450
00:18:03,232 --> 00:18:05,236
A what?
A vampire nightclub.
451
00:18:05,269 --> 00:18:06,438
Like in the film Blade,
452
00:18:06,471 --> 00:18:08,242
with the blood sprinklers
453
00:18:08,275 --> 00:18:09,545
and the live F and S show.
454
00:18:09,578 --> 00:18:11,616
Imagine!
I got it.
455
00:18:11,649 --> 00:18:13,520
We rob Fort Knox.
456
00:18:13,553 --> 00:18:16,626
Guillermo, I am going to need
600 yards of strong rope.
457
00:18:16,659 --> 00:18:18,797
Why would you need
that much rope?
458
00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:21,468
- You got any better ideas?
- Uh, I just said one.
459
00:18:21,502 --> 00:18:24,140
She just said one.
Well, if you two are considering
460
00:18:24,174 --> 00:18:27,413
selling my TV projector monitor,
then you can get fucked.
461
00:18:27,447 --> 00:18:29,217
- Hmm.
- The new series of Go Flip Yourself
462
00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:30,754
starts next week,
463
00:18:30,787 --> 00:18:33,727
where Bran and Toby face
their biggest challenges yet.
464
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,597
- Hmm.
- Guys, could we circle back?
465
00:18:35,631 --> 00:18:37,333
I'm telling you,
the nightclub business--
466
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:40,272
- it is a cash-only business.
- I've got it.
467
00:18:40,306 --> 00:18:42,310
We break into
Henry Ford's house,
468
00:18:42,343 --> 00:18:44,280
- Oh...
- and we steal all his money.
469
00:18:44,314 --> 00:18:46,786
Guillermo, I'm just gonna need
ten yards of strong rope.
470
00:18:46,819 --> 00:18:48,422
I did learn three
471
00:18:48,455 --> 00:18:50,326
very valuable lessons
on my trip to England.
472
00:18:51,461 --> 00:18:53,198
Number one, if you go to work
473
00:18:53,232 --> 00:18:54,769
for the Supreme Worldwide
Vampiric Council,
474
00:18:54,802 --> 00:18:56,471
do not let them
475
00:18:56,506 --> 00:18:58,843
put you on a ten-year
Vampiric Planning Committee,
476
00:18:58,877 --> 00:19:00,714
'cause that is
where they just stick
477
00:19:00,747 --> 00:19:03,820
Z-list and C-list vampires
to just sit around,
478
00:19:03,853 --> 00:19:05,456
talking about boring admin
all day.
479
00:19:05,489 --> 00:19:08,195
And that is why the focus
of our five-year plan
480
00:19:08,228 --> 00:19:09,865
should be to form a variety
481
00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:12,170
of subcommittees
and study groups...
482
00:19:12,203 --> 00:19:13,773
And the second thing
I learned is,
483
00:19:13,807 --> 00:19:16,178
as a woman,
sometimes you do need
484
00:19:16,211 --> 00:19:18,315
to use your special voice
to be heard.
485
00:19:18,349 --> 00:19:21,455
I was too afraid to use mine in
the Vampiric Council meetings,
486
00:19:21,488 --> 00:19:23,292
and I deeply regret that.
487
00:19:23,325 --> 00:19:24,461
Unless anyone has
anything else, I think we can...
488
00:19:24,494 --> 00:19:25,564
If I could?
489
00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:27,367
I have prepared a little pitch.
490
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,939
Another way we could
possibly go with our...
491
00:19:29,972 --> 00:19:31,576
five-year plan.
492
00:19:33,278 --> 00:19:35,917
I have just two words for you.
493
00:19:37,755 --> 00:19:40,594
Vampire nightclub.
494
00:19:40,627 --> 00:19:42,430
And that's
the other thing I learned.
495
00:19:42,463 --> 00:19:44,802
I just really want to open
a vampiric nightclub!
496
00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:46,238
I mean, come on.
497
00:19:46,271 --> 00:19:47,741
It's a no-brainer.
498
00:19:47,775 --> 00:19:51,214
Oh, Nadja, every new vampire
comes up with this idea,
499
00:19:51,248 --> 00:19:53,452
and it's not what we do here.
500
00:19:53,485 --> 00:19:54,822
Oh.
501
00:19:54,855 --> 00:19:56,491
Okay.
502
00:19:56,526 --> 00:19:57,961
Thank you for your time.
503
00:19:57,995 --> 00:19:59,832
And so that is when
I decided to quit
504
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,303
the Worldwide Supreme
Vampiric Council and come home.
505
00:20:02,336 --> 00:20:03,807
Okay, this is ridiculous.
You're all vampires.
506
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,443
Just go to the bank
and hypnotize the teller...
507
00:20:05,476 --> 00:20:06,913
Enough!
508
00:20:06,946 --> 00:20:09,217
- Whoa!
- Whoa! Shit!
509
00:20:13,025 --> 00:20:16,264
I am telling you, we are going
to open a vampire nightclub.
510
00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:19,471
- Any questions?
- Works for me.
- Fine and dandy by this boy.
511
00:20:19,505 --> 00:20:20,874
What?
512
00:20:21,943 --> 00:20:24,414
So, was it great being back home
513
00:20:24,447 --> 00:20:25,517
in Al Qolnidar?
514
00:20:25,550 --> 00:20:26,786
No, it was not.
515
00:20:26,819 --> 00:20:28,422
I returned back to my village,
516
00:20:28,455 --> 00:20:30,326
and it was exactly
how I left it,
517
00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:33,398
except everyone
had become vampires.
518
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:35,670
So, wasn't it nice
to be among your own kind?
519
00:20:35,704 --> 00:20:36,873
I hated it.
520
00:20:36,906 --> 00:20:38,543
If everyone is a vampire,
521
00:20:38,576 --> 00:20:40,346
there's nothing special
about being a vampire.
522
00:20:40,379 --> 00:20:41,883
It was not good
for my mental health.
523
00:20:41,916 --> 00:20:43,887
Are you two tits coming or what?
Yes,
524
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,724
yes. There's no need to shout.
525
00:20:46,893 --> 00:20:49,330
Oh.
Oh...
526
00:20:49,364 --> 00:20:50,867
Hello?!
527
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:52,504
Guillermo, get the lights. Guillermo,
528
00:20:52,538 --> 00:20:53,907
get the lights.
Gizmo, get the lights.
529
00:20:53,940 --> 00:20:56,011
Why do I have to still do it?
530
00:20:56,044 --> 00:20:57,815
Oh.
531
00:20:57,848 --> 00:20:59,919
There you are. Shit.
532
00:20:59,952 --> 00:21:01,722
What the hell are you doing?
533
00:21:01,756 --> 00:21:04,829
Just sitting here, waiting
for you guys to come back.
534
00:21:04,862 --> 00:21:07,601
- For a year?
- What? A year?
535
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,003
Oh, wow.
536
00:21:09,037 --> 00:21:11,041
Guess I was just so afraid
if I got up,
537
00:21:11,074 --> 00:21:13,011
that would be the moment
you would come in.
538
00:21:13,045 --> 00:21:14,782
You know? So I just waited.
539
00:21:16,351 --> 00:21:17,855
Well...
540
00:21:17,888 --> 00:21:20,660
We have a lot of Council
business to catch up on, huh?
541
00:21:20,694 --> 00:21:23,633
Actually, no.
No more business as usual.
542
00:21:23,666 --> 00:21:27,440
- Change of direction.
- Oh, that's something I really enjoy.
543
00:21:27,473 --> 00:21:29,477
- I'll tell you what it is.
- Okay.
544
00:21:29,512 --> 00:21:32,985
We are opening a motherfucking
vampire nightclub, baby!
545
00:21:33,018 --> 00:21:35,456
Cool. Where?
546
00:21:35,489 --> 00:21:36,592
Here.
547
00:21:36,626 --> 00:21:37,794
Yes.
548
00:21:37,828 --> 00:21:39,397
No.
Yes.
549
00:21:39,430 --> 00:21:41,502
We are opening
a vampire nightclub.
550
00:21:41,536 --> 00:21:44,775
And if any of you motherfuckers
get in my way,
551
00:21:44,809 --> 00:21:48,482
you will surely
live to regret it!
552
00:21:50,554 --> 00:21:51,923
♪ Welcome ♪
553
00:21:51,956 --> 00:21:54,060
♪ To the vampires club ♪
554
00:21:55,129 --> 00:21:56,732
♪ Welcome ♪
555
00:21:56,766 --> 00:21:59,538
♪ To the vampires club ♪
556
00:21:59,572 --> 00:22:01,474
♪ Make yourselves at home ♪
557
00:22:01,509 --> 00:22:03,011
♪ Welcome ♪
558
00:22:03,045 --> 00:22:05,750
♪ To the vampires club ♪
559
00:22:05,784 --> 00:22:07,420
♪ Welcome ♪
560
00:22:07,453 --> 00:22:10,827
♪ To the vampires club ♪
561
00:22:10,861 --> 00:22:12,363
♪ Welcome ♪
562
00:22:12,396 --> 00:22:14,434
♪ To the vampires club ♪
563
00:22:14,467 --> 00:22:16,606
♪ Make yourselves at home ♪
564
00:22:16,639 --> 00:22:18,576
♪ Welcome ♪
565
00:22:18,610 --> 00:22:20,914
♪ To the vampires club ♪
566
00:22:20,947 --> 00:22:22,918
♪ Welcome ♪
567
00:22:22,951 --> 00:22:25,389
♪ To the vampires club ♪
568
00:22:25,422 --> 00:22:28,395
- ♪ I want you, I want you ♪
- ♪ Gonna haunt you ♪
569
00:22:28,428 --> 00:22:30,466
- ♪ Do you want me like I want you? ♪
- ♪ Gonna haunt you ♪
570
00:22:30,499 --> 00:22:33,005
- ♪ Gonna haunt you ♪
- ♪ I want you ♪
571
00:22:33,038 --> 00:22:35,577
- ♪ I'm gonna haunt you ♪
- ♪ Wherever you are. ♪
572
00:22:35,610 --> 00:22:37,614
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
39321
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