All language subtitles for Hitler.kaputt.2008.WEBrip.H264.EN

New English translation and subtitles
for the Russian original-version from 2008

By 'Herman the German' on behalf of the
'Hepster Bros. World Domination Department'

'HITLER IS KAPUTT' (BROKEN)

Pavel Derevyanko - Standartenfuehrer Schurenberg

Anna Semenovich - Radio-Operator Zina

Yuriy Galtsev - Gruppenfuehrer Mueller

Yuriy Stoyanov - Obergruppenfuehrer Bormann

Aleksey Ogurtsov - Iron Hans

Evelina Bledans - Frau Otto

Mikhail Krylov - Adolf Hitler

Ilya Oleynikov - Podpolshik

Aleksey Buldakov - Kuzmich

Timati (Timothy) - 50 Bundes-Shillings

Anfisa Chekhova - Sexy TV-Cryptologist

Kseniya Sobchak - Eva Braun

Mikhail Galustyan - Partisan Rabinovich

When the Second World War was coming to an end,

a fortune teller on the payroll of the SS,

told the Main Security Office that the immediate death,

of Partisan Rabinovich, by far too lucky for a jew,

was the last and only hope of the Reich.

Please listen to me, comrades!

There's been a terrible mistake.

I was only playing harpsichord in the local partisan orchestra.

I never hurt a single Nazi, not even in thought.

I'm allergic to metal and I have asthma.

I am suffering from chronic gastritis and type II diabetes.

My doctor told me not to join in any execution related activities.

Please don't kill me! It's Sabbath! You mustn't kill today!

Attention!

Load!

Fire!

Schurenberg was on his way to the Head Quarters

to meet with the Fuehrer personally.

The Fuehrer, a chronic depressive,

took pleasure in pointless meetings.

'Thank God it's Friday!', the great Russian spy thought.

Run, Rabinovich, run!

- 'Heil Hitler!'
- 'Heil!'

Your documets, please.

OFFICIAL SOVIET SPY CARD

CHIEF OF SS SECURITY SERVICE

You should be more careful, Standartenfuehrer.

'And off there goes a week's pay',

Schurenberg thought.

HITLER'S HEAD QUARTERS 15KM, GESTAPO HILLS 7KM

FRAGILE!

PROPERTY OF ADOLF

PROPERTY OF ADOLF

How wonderful!

'Sieg Heil!'

Nice, nice!

Who's got a note to lend me?

I'm sorry, 'mein Fuehrer',

some meter maid pinched my cash on the way here.

- You're drinking and driving?
- Of course not!

I had to step on the gas pedal to be here on time.

I feel for you.

Mueller?

I'll pay you back on Monday.

Adolf, do you really want to do this?

- I have to, Bormann. I have to!
- Don't say, I didn't warn you!

Good bye.

Pull in that belly.

I really want to pick at him, but I can't.

He's a true Aryan.

Schurenberg got off work early that day.

He took his car for a cruise

in the moonlit streets of Berlin.

The '9th of May Victory Parade' would come up soon!

007 STREET

And yet there was still,

so much spying left to do.

How are you doing?

You're looking fine!

Another fruit!

It's almost ripe!

Goodness gracious, this is so beautyful!

Kuzmich!

Oh, Alexandrevich.

Good evening.

How are you doing at secret service?

Oh, don't even ask, Kuzmich.

- What happened?
- I'm sick and tired of that spying things.

I miss home, I yearn to return to mother Russia.

I see. But hang on, you're a superhero on your mission,

protecting the motherland's oil. It's an honor!

You should try to relax.

I left you something nice in the fridge to please you.

Kuzmich, old buddy!

What would I do without you?

(NONSENSE-TEXT) ... to want it, believing,

that this good and whole, in the future, will

be saved ... (NONSENSE-END)

Wow, this feels good!

Intense fitness program,

only fourteen hours sleep a night,

to be able to stand the daily drudgery at the Gestapo.

TOP SECRET DEPARTMENT

TOP SECRET

SILENCE! CONFERENCE IN PROGRESS!

BORMANN

What would I give to be in Cabo right now.

SMOKING AREA

Seems that the whole Gestapo is infested with bugs!

Even the roof!

What can I say? Those Russians are super-pros!

Looks like they've done their homework.

Everything is under control.

Comrades, I'm sure, that he's a fucking spy.

Any evidence to support your accusation?

I do not have a smoking gun, yet.

Then you better shut up,

or I'll get you a private waxing and a personal stool softening.

Schurenberg had to adhere to the basic rules of conspiracy.

To blend in at well frequented Nazi hang outs,

was one of those rules.

Schurenberg despised club and company parties,

but he posessed some rigorous discipline.

If necessary, he forced himself to turn it on.

Alright!

Hans! Klaus!

Yeah, brother!

- Olaf, sweetie!
- Where have you been hiding, honey?

Business, girls! A whole lot of business!

THE 'HEIL HITLER' WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP

'HEIL HITLER' WORLD CHAMPION 1943

- Gruppenfuehrer.
- Oh, Schurenberg.

- Care for a quickie?
- Alright, but this time no bad tricks!

Nonsense, I accidentally hit the board with that lamp.

- Yes?
- Yes.

- Don't cheat a cheater!
- Don't talk back to Daddy!

You can't jump over your own ass!

Don't crow before you leap!

And baldheads never sweat!

- Care to make it more interesting?
- What, you've got a raise?

Just the opposite, I need cash!

You know, when I look at you, Schurenberg,

I think to myself, there he is,

a regular Nazi, effective and loyal to the Reich.

But then,

the other time, Schurenberg, on closer examination,

I think to myself,

what a Slavic looking mug he's got.

Do you think it's fun for me looking at your Aryan ass every day?

Back and forth! Back and forth!

I just want to go home! Back to mama!

Drink some good vodka, and maybe

fight with someone for a nice Russian girl, to show masculinity,

and then maybe French kiss another one,

while I'm beating up some other dude.

But no, I'm stuck here, rotting away, along with the Third Reich!

Schurenberg almost blew his cover.

Checkmate!

And you are a loser!

Come on, you damned occupants! It's party time! Get up and party!

Wow! This feels good!

Kuzmich, please, keep the fridge door closed.

I'm tired of having to defrost it all the time.

CARD TO: MOSCOW, KREMLIN

SOVIET UNION POSTAL SERVICE

In Moscow it will be cloudy with no chance of clearing.

We expect a slight thawing for tomorrow.

Be prepared for melted snow

and slushy conditions.

A mild hurricane is predicted for the suburbs.

In Rublyovka Hills, as usual, we'll have a dry and sunny day

with a slight breeze. It'll become hot and wet, so that

you'll take off your clothes.

We predict a 50% off sale at 'Cartier',

the temperature is set at 22 degrees Celsius,

plus 'twenty two' ...

A spy without a coded message,

is like a Cheseburger without a Coke,

he sinks straight to the bottom like a stone, and stays there forever.

He knew he needed to relax, if he wanted to decrypt the code.

But nothing worked.

He took out his

'Compact Conversational Code Dictionary'

He had a feeling that this message would change his life forever.

He spent the night retrieving the information,

At dawn the message became clear: radio operator arrives at nine a.m.!

Marital status: unmarried!

Hello, I'm Zina, your radio operator.

Shura Osechkin, spy.

A beautiful landing.

A pleasure to meet you.

The pleasure is mine.

Zina,

such a lovely name.

- And quite rare.
- You are funny.

- You are cute.
- You're extraordinary.

Even a bone looks delicious to somebody starving.

And so humble.

I'm not made of sugar, but I can melt.

- Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
- Probably on 'YouTube'.

I should mail to 'Central Office', so they don't need to worry.

Yeah, I've been late with mine too.

Maybe you shouldn't, it's supposed to be a long flight.

May I take you to the secret penthouse?

How do you go there?

I'll go by ski. But I also like to bike. And how about you?

I love ice skates.

- What about inline skates?
- OK, let's take the car then.

One rule: no secret messages in my drop box at the first date.

- What about oral signals?
- Let's do some spying first, then we'll see.

'Heil Hitler!'

Good morning, Iron Hans. What's the matter?

Nothing new Gruppenfuehrer,

screaming kids, bitching wife, debt,

in other words, a happy family life.

I see, Hans.

But I really don't care about your personal problems.

Besides, I charge 300 Reichsmark an hour for family counselling.

Just some extra income. But let's get back to business.

Here, take a look at this.

Schurenberg is a Soviet spy. I can feel it.

But, Gruppenfuehrer, we've already tried to dig something up.

It's pointless. It would be easier for me getting pregnant.

Why should you get pregnant?

You'd be just tired and moody. You'd start screaming and crying,

and take off on maternity leave.

Be creative, cook something up.

Why not put a reward for his head?

Because we've got no budget for such things.

Now go and do your job: interrogate, torture, poison him,

the good old school methods!

How are you doing brother? Where you've been hiding?

I almost thought, I'd never see you again!

Hey, long time no smoke, man! Gimme some love!

The only person in the Reich

Schurenberg had some respect for

was the American super agent 'Timothy',

spying undercover

as Hitler's personal DJ,

named '50 Bundes-Shillings'.

(NONSENSE-TEXT) I am determined,

to stay in Berlin, there on my own free will,

in that moment, to want it instead,

believing, that the victory of the 'Fuehrer', unbelievable

and absolutely near, can be saved! (NONSENSE-END)

This is Hitler!

These are German soldiers!

These are Russian pigs!

Now I'm fed up with you! I'll turn you into french fries!

Do you understand?

(NONSENSE-TEXT) ... I'm dying with a joyful heart, where the leading,

of our soldiers at the front, of our women at home,

the leading, of our peasants and workers,

and in history unique

unity of our youth,

to make war ... war in my name ...

The war! Is ripe! Is ripe! Is ripe ... (NONSENSE-END)

Schurenberg!

Come here!

It's not interesting enough for you?

- Not at all, 'mein Fuehrer!'
- Not at all, it is, or not at all, it isn't?

Not at all, it is, 'mein Fuehrer!'

Then would you repeat what I just said, please.

- Everything, 'mein Fuehrer'?
- From A to Z.

That's brutal!

All those years of training would finally pay off for Schurenberg.

(NONSENSE-TEXT) And because,

to glamorize the Aryan advantage,

and what, of course, in this Aryan way, yes, yes,

to be made, to be presented! (NONSENSE-END)

This is Hitler.

These are German soldiers!

Yes, yes!

These are Russian soldiers!

Yes, yes! Ah!

Do you understand?

To boost up the secret weapons project, the Gestapo called engineer Garik the Armenian.

The Kremlin instructed Schurenberg to keep a watchful eye on this project.

- 'Heil Hitler!'
- Enough, Schurenberg.

Meanwhile the Allies do invade and seize Germany,

and you're hopping around like a nutcracker.

I believe in the inevitable final victory of our Reich.

Oh, spare me with that kind

of patriot gestures!

Stop being such a clever dick, buffoon!

Let's get to business.

MISSION OF THE DAY: KILLER LASER

Here, the secret weapon to take care for.

You will put up a business plan.

30% increase on the budget, half off the record, no taxes.

Don't screw it up, Schurenberg!

Do your homework! Be orderly and diligent!

Don't use a highlighter pen!

No affairs!

And by no means defecate in the flower beds!

It ruins the blossoms. Did you get me?

All understood?

May I grope some boobs?

This mission is the last hope of the Reich.

Keep your hands off the boobs!

I appreciate your confidence in me.

I won't disappoint you, even if I can't grope some boobs.

You make me feel sick! All of you!

Everything is OK. This is the third time today.

PRAVDA: 9TH OF MAY - ALL OF GERMANY

ANNA SEMENOVICH: ICE SKATING PRINCESS

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Engineer Garik, the Armenian?

- Yes.
- I was just studying.

- Studying?
- Yes, exactly!

Forget about it!

Let me just show you my brandnew secret weapon!

Firing it, I'll be able to destroy everything.

This is what I call 'May Day Death Ray'.

Sit down.

Professor, how devoted are you to the German Reich?

Standartenfuehrer,

I'm a businessman, you know. Talk to your superiors.

You'll get paid an extra share from every incomming order.

I'll take care of you, you got me?

Let's take a walk.

We can talk here, it's a safe place.

If I tell you the truth, will you denounce me?

No.

Alright, I take your word for it. I hate the Nazis like the plague.

Thank you for being honest.

To be true, I feel the same way.

- Did I get you right?
- Speak low!

- You work for the Kremlin?
- Yes.

Listen, brother, get me an exit permit,

a new flat in Moscow,

some affectionate Russian blondes, and I'll blow up the Nazis.

It'll be nothing left from the Reich, I'll blow up everything.

OK, we've got a deal.

ORDER MENUE HERE

Two 'Big-McFuehrers' and a fresh squeezed 'Aryan-Juice'.

And 'Potato-Fritz'.

And 'Potato-Fritz'!

Fucking drip! What do you think you're doing?
Fucking bum! I'll finish you off!

- Next counter!
- Let's move!

This is where I work!

I' m stuffing myself like a hamster.

I don't mind a girl, who has a good appetite.

I've always had a pregnant woman's appetite. Even as a child.

I'm from the Volga region. A land often struck with famine.

Whenever I get something to eat in my hands, I have to eat it.

It's like a curse, I can't resist. Isn't it crazy?

I have a strange childhood story, too.

When I got really angry with someone,

I would produce this poisonous spit, to squirt it out like a cobra.

- Nonsense!
- My mother would even use me

as some kind of mosquito killer.

- You're kidding me!
- No, this is a true story!

I like being together with you, it makes me feel

like home.

I beg your pardon!

We're trying to kiss each other, so stop that!

ZINA, YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!

Stop! Stop!

Stop! Stop it! Stop!

Do you want to play the favorite game of the locals?

What kind of game is it?

It's called 'I'll recognize my lover with eyes closed'.

- Are you afraid?
- Who, me?

Ah, Houston, we have a problem!

THE YALTA CONFERENCE

Where is my tobacco, homo?

And that's that, my dear Schurenberg,

our beloved Reich is going down the drain.

Yes.

Seems we've got a run of bad luck.

'A run of bad luck', what an excellent expression.

So simple, but yet so appropriate.

I like you, you fairy tale beast.

And you, Obergruppenfuehrer, you're also alright.

Thank you.

You've got such an inspiring, intellectual charisma,

- Thank you.
- and such an alluring smile.

Thank you, Obergruppenfuehrer.

I could completely cuddle up to a man like you.

- I'd rather not, if I were you.
- You're so sexy.

- But, love is blind.
- Yes, love is blind.

But you don't know about that, and that's a pity my boy.

Perhaps you would like to try.

Just try and let yourself go!

Don't hesitate and take the plunge!

It makes my skin quiver,

the blue sky starts to shiver,

the attractiveness of your face,

our merry meeting in this place.

Obergruppenfuehrer, I didn't know you were such a poet.

Your intellect is much too sharp,

for being an Aryan.

What are you aiming at, you damned Nazi?

You better not believe that you'll get along with a quickie.

Forget it, you're nothing but a wimp.

As Schurenberg drove through the streets of Berlin,

he knew, he would sacrifice everything for his motherland.

Everything,

except his virgin integrity

'Heil Hitler', pal!

'Heil'!

- Drinking and driving?
- Forget it, buddy!

- Today I won't pay any money!
- Get out of the car, please!

This is 'Little Red Riding Hood' to 'Central'.

The wolf knows, the pie is stuffed with cabbage and not with minced meat.

Next,

the Armenian dude has abandoned country life,

he needs a downtown flat.

Over.

Cheers!

Zinotchka!

My little fairy!

Oh Shura, you haven't been to the clubs in Moscow for quite a while.

Well, I can tell you, girls do tricks there these days, oh!

They are only amateurs, but you're my fairy!

Zina!

Baby, I've been thinking.

We're living in a foreign country, among all those Nazis.

It feels so lonesome.

The good thing is that you're always around,

so we can spy side by side.

But back in Moscow, you'd be an attractive young hero,

the kind that all sluts would like to have.

But that's not the way I am.

Sure, but all men are alike, made from the same mold.

I don't even get upset any more. I don't care for it.

'Central' to 'Little Red Riding Hood'.

We will give the Armenian dude a VIP reception.

Don't get involved with the wolf. If you need help, call granny.

Shura,

I am in my third month.

- Is it mine?
- No, it's Hitler's!

Of course, it's yours!

My little red cheeked slice of heaven!

My sweet bosomed mama!

You're happy, are you?

Are you kidding?

Of course I'm happy!

Don't you know how happy I am?

Look here!

Watch out!

This is, how happy I am!

HANDS-UP DISTRICT BERLIN

Despite of being dark night in Berlin,

Schurenberg, the experienced spy, suspected,

that Iron Hans had not only turned up,

to say just 'Hello' to him.

BUDGET ARYAN PIZZA

Iron Hans, my buddy friend! How are you? Let's shake hands!

Schurenberg,

I am here on duty, we're obliged to observe the proprieties. You know the rules.

I understand. We should talk about that rules at the next office meeting.

Do you like some tea?

Green tea, if you got one. But without coffeine.

What was this strange kind of music,

that I heard from outside?

Oh, it was just a new trance song on SS-FM!

'Tan-teh-kon-fui', an exclusive tea from China.

Schurenberg,

you are certainly aware, that most people at the Gestapo

believe, that you are a Soviet spy.

Some sugar?

No, thanks. But I'd take a saucer.

- I don't want to burn my tongue.
- Of course.

Thank you.

Now listen, trying to find evidence against you,

is like trying to open a bottle of champagne with your buttocks.

No one did ever accomplish it, and to be honest,

just thinking of it, is horrible.

- Some milk, perhaps?
- Yes, low fat, please.

You're welcome.

Schurenberg,

don't get upset, but Mueller has ordered, that I should go through your file.

And now, I'll have to ask you some standard questions.

Alright,

tell me,

did you send a fax to the 'Central Office'?

Did you fax to them some of our plans?

I'm sorry,

did you find my fingerprints on the fax device?

Of course not.

Well, then I did not send any fax.

Tell me, will they do another movie sequel of 'Matrix'?

Hans, it's a trilogy!

I know, but this question was a trick!

You did step right into the trap!

We overheard your conversation with engineer Garik.

You made him successfully escape to Moscow.

That's what I call conspiracy and treason!

Do you?

Yeah!

That's it now! I'm going to finish you off!

Hey asshole, if I'll get up, I'll knock you down, got me?

Schurenberg could feel his anger rising, as well as

the poison filling his mouth.

I warned you, bastard!

Darling, it takes such a long time!

Come to bed, I can't sleep without you!

Forgive me, darling!

I just had some work to catch up on.

- I'll be right there.
- I'll be waiting for you.

Try to keep the smoke down, I don't like it in my sleeping room.

THE ASHES OF IRON HANS, R.I.P.

DIRTY COMMUNIST GO HOME!

Somewhere hidden deep in the Berlin suburbs,

comrade Podpolshik's conspiratorial flat was located.

There was also a satellite plus TV receiving unit.

PASSWORD

'A' and 'B' were sitting on a tree.

'A' fell down and 'B' fell down.

- Who was left? Eye contact!
- NKVD.

May be. Come in!

I came to inform you, that my cover is about to be blown.

My contract reads something about torture and force majeure.

That's why I'm here.

I see.

Well, being blown is not very pleasant.

Interrogations, torches,

electric drills, curling tongs,

- Curling tongs?
- They make the hair on your ass rise up!

- Have you been tortured?
- You mean because of that?

No, I just spilled some red wine on it yesterday.

'Steel Worker's Day'. Those guys are saints!

Well, let's get started.

- Nice couch you've got, I like it.
- I like it too.

I live here all by myself, no chicks allowed.

OK, concerning the matter at issue:

what do we have here?

Alright,

Valium,

potassium cyanide, gags,

handcuffs, hand fan,

change of underwear, leather whip, crossword puzzle, ID cards

and, of course, an enema with oil.

To cut short, the Russian basic survival kit.

- But what about the tickets?
- Nope.

All tickets for the Moscow Circus have been sold out.

Speaking about circus,

Engineer Garik asked me

to hand over that briefcase to you.

He's already in Moscow and he's doing well.

He has opened a casino at the Kremlin.

He's also running some kebab take aways, earning good money.

'Russian Underground', how may I help you?

Yes, you're talking to the right person!

No, we don't do home delivery!

Schurenberg, this is your share! Thousands of Dollars!

MOTHER RUSSIA

NEUTRAL TERRITORY

EXIT TO THE REICH

Go home, comrade, to your right.

MOTHER RUSSIA

You can't imagine how much I'd like to take the right door.

I'll get Zina and we'll both go right.

In a half an hour! Sweet home is waiting!

Zina was arrested this morning.

The Gestapo has already been torturing her for three hours.

The girl will be probably dead by now.

Any attempt to rescue her would be unwise.

'Central Office' wants you to return home, right now.

I'm sorry, but,

I can't do that.

Come here, son.

Return to the motherland.

Forget about Zina!

If you want to,

I'll give you my couch.

It's really cosy.

I'm sorry.

Movie heroes do not run away!

Who is your contact?

Nobody!

Who is your contact?

Ah, Schurenberg!

I'm really glad to meet you here. You're a hopeless romantic.

This morning we've arrested a Russian radio operator girl.

She transmitted secret messages using the TV-screen.

Do you happen to know her?

- Who is your contact?
- Nobody!

Whatever happens, you must hide your tears!

Why should I know her?

Not feeling well, Schurenberg?

I think I've caught a cold. I'm feeling kind of dizzy.

Get well soon!

Schurenberg couldn't stop thinking of his beloved Zina,

how she'd be strolling through the shopping mall.

The grief he felt was terrible.

Up, against the wall! Come on, all of you! Against the wall!

Hurry up! Drop your guns!

All your guns!

I said all!

Shura!

- Shura!
- Zina!

Come on, babe!

Yes. Uhm.

Yes.

FROM BORMANN WITH PASSION.

Order No. 880:

Hand over the captured radio operator girl

into custody of SS Standartenfuehrer Schurenberg.
Signed, M. Bormann.

What were you wearing?

Ah 'Gucci', of course.

Well, 'Hugo Boss' is some kind of really oldfashioned.

I'll call you back later.

- Who is your hairdresser?
- Nobody!

- 'Heil Hitler!'
- 'Heil!'

Frau Otto, there are new orders!

I will take over now, and squeeze all out from her!

BRIBING - BATTERING - ESCAPING

Where is Schurenberg, you damned bastards!

I'll get you whipped from behind!

And when I'm finished, I'll get you drawn and quartered,

before I'll get you stuffed into the latrine pits,

then I'll pull you out, and I'll stuff you right in again!

Bloody mess!

Please, hurry up, my friend, I'm just on my way to escape!

Sweetheart, why don't we just take off for Chile in springtime?

Seems like the entire Gestapo is going to South America.

Boring. I'm tired of seeing the same old mugs all the time.

What do you think about Dubai in wintertime?

And who's going to take care of the Reich, then?

Did you think about that?

It is necessary, that I will stay here.

You should hear yourself talking, nothing but business all the time!

- Eva, don't start talking about that.
- Alright.

I'll ask Mueller. Maybe he's got time. He'd surely like to go on holidays with me.

Forgive me.

I've got some nervous strain these days.

Do you have your makeup bag at hand?

Of course, what should I do without my makeup bag?

Are you nuts?

Did you grab my nightgown?

What nightgown?

My leopard skin nightgown. From Dolce & Gabbana.

Are you crazy? I've been busy saving you all day!

You forgot that?

Don't you yell at me!

Sorry, dear, I've been close to the edge all day!

Anyway, the makeup bag, please!

KREMLIN CASINO

Hey! Stay here!

- Can you give us a ride to the front?
- 80 Euros!

- Are you nuts, it's just 20 minutes!
- Take it or leave it!

You're not the only one asking for a ride! Others will pay!

Can you take us to the front?

Don't you recognize me?

Just piss off!

What are you waiting for?

Come on, step on it!

We've arrived!

Come on, buddy, give me nine seconds to take a deep breath, will you?

Just a moment!

PASSPORT CONTROL

FRONTLINE

As Zina and Schurenberg had approached the passport control,

they were grateful, they weren't Muslims.

Dear Travellers, thank you for putting your keys, phones,

tablets and handguns aside for safety control.

FRONTLINE

WELCOME! NO TRESPASSING!

- Hello there.
- Hello.

WANTED: ENEMY OF STATE

They're here.

Bring them in for interrogation.

Zina, let's do a bunk!

Yes?

Yes, yes, yes! I let them pass, yes!

Come on, this way, Shura!

THE END
Translation and subtitles by 'Herman the German'

COMING TO CINEMA IN 2010

NAPOLEON IS KAPUTT (BROKEN)