All language subtitles for ClarksonGÇÖs Farm - S01E08 - Harvesting.eng

[opening theme music playing]

[Jeremy] It's peak summer

and a normal day on the farm
now looks like this.

[rock music playing]

I get up at 6:30
and after a hit of coffee,

set off to let the hens
out of their houses.

Morning.

On the way back, I pick some
mushrooms for my lunch.

And then it's off to feed the
fish.

Back at home, I start work on
the tomato sauce recipe

I'm working on for the farm
shop.

I add a few chilies
and some fresh coriander

and leave it on a low heat to
simmer...

while I mend a fence that the
hunt says

it didn't knock over back in
the winter.

I then mow the
wildflowers I sowed

because that's what all
gardeners do,

wait till the plants
are looking at their best

and then prune them, so they
don't look so good anymore.

After this, I pick some
vegetables for Lisa to sell

to some customers we have in
Atlanta,

and I've even found a patch of
rhubarb, so I pick that, too.

And I rush it to the shop.

This is the rhubarb that needs
washing.

Where I throw away all the stuff
I'd picked the day before,

because it doesn't sell,
because no one

likes vegetables these days.

[country music playing]

[horn honks]

I then stir the tomato sauce

before heading out to check on
the bees.

Come on, off you go.

And the sheep, and the lambs.

And then I begin the big job of
the day.

There's always one.

Today, I've gotta clear all the
straw

and the sheep feces out of the
barn.

But as I don't have a bucket
for the front of the tractor,

I have to ask Kaleb to get the
snowplow out of the other barn.

Why can't you do it?

Because the Lamborghini won't
fit in here.

Right away, I could tell he
wasn't happy,

because he thinks
my tractor's too complicated.

Your tractor's crap.

And then, when I'm having the
mushrooms,

which I'd picked earlier

and cooked in a cream sauce
and served on sourdough toast,

with some parsley from the
garden...

[cell phone rings]

...I get a call from my
associates

who say that the sheep have
escaped and are on the road.

[rock music playing]

So, I drive over there to find
the sheep haven't escaped.

But at least the plow is now
fitted

to the front of the
tractor,

so I head to the lambing barn
and straightaway,

I discovered
it wouldn't fit in there either.

-[thud]
-Oh, shit.

I then fit an 80-year-old
deathtrap

to the back of Lisa's tractor
and use that instead.

It's getting late now, so I
rush home

to add some seasoning to the
tomato sauce,

before heading out to feed the
fish again,

and collect the eggs.

And then I hit the sack,
knowing that soon...

things are gonna get really
busy.

[country music playing]

One of the extra jobs
in our new busier lives

was doing a daily moisture test
of the crops.

And with Charlie on holiday,
that task fell to Kaleb and me.

-Now, a seasoned old farmer...
-[Kaleb] Yeah.

...can tell how moisture is in
the pod

just by biting it, can't they?

Yeah, they go like this.

They open it up, I've seen them
do it.

They open it up, they're very
serious when they do it.

Go like that and they go...

"That's 12."

-And they're right. I mean,
they know?

-Yeah, absolutely.

But I can't do that, 'cause I'm
not a seasoned old farmer.

-No.

-And you can't, 'cause you're a
fetus.

So, we've got the machine.

[Kaleb] You ever used one of
these?

Uh... let me think.

[Kaleb] See that bit there,
look,

we wanna fill that with
rape.

[Jeremy] Fill it?

Can we have a caption now,
saying, "Several hours later"?

You got a bit more?

And you do that, look. And
then...

[Jeremy] So, if this says less
than six,

we're in deep trouble,
we can't harvest it.

-Yeah.
-If it's more than...

-Nine.
-...nine.

It's too wet and they won't
take it.

Are you ready? Right, it's
testing.

-Dun, dun, dun.
-[beep]

[Jeremy] So, that's...

-[Kaleb] Eight.

-...eight percent moisture,
which means?

We're perfect, we need to get
out here.

Let's do this!

[dramatic music playing]

But, actually, we couldn't do
this.

To harvest the rape,

I need a combine harvester,
and I haven't got one

because they're
a quarter of a million pounds,

so I'm gonna have to rent one.

And the trouble is that every
other farmer in the area

will have been out this morning

in the fields, testing the
moisture

and they'll all be coming
to the same conclusions

and they'll be trying to rent
one as well.

Back at the office,
my worst fears were realized.

Three days?

You can't do anything before
that?

No, no, I've got his number.

[sighs]

Yep, you've guessed correctly.

No, I know.

[sighs]

He's doing his own...
He's doing his own farm first.

All right, okay, no, thanks for
your time.

[sighs]

[dramatic music playing]

I went outside and wherever I
looked,

there was a glaring reminder

that I really was
the new boy on the block.

Look, there's a combine there
and there.

Yeah, there's another.

Every farm's got a combine on
it.

[dramatic music playing]

By late afternoon, I'd got
nowhere.

37, 42...

But then Kaleb hit the jackpot

with a mate of his
I shall call "Jesus."

Even though his real name is
Simon.

-...this afternoon.
-If it comes down, I'll try--

I've only got two fields left
to do,

so ideally, I can get mine done
this evening.

[Kaleb] Yeah.

And then get up to you,
sort of like, tomorrow.

Tomorrow, and then we can start
cutting.

[country music playing]

[Jeremy] The next morning,

with the combine sorted,
it was action stations.

-This is perfect.
-Yeah, look at the day.

I know.

[country music playing]

Right, the tractors are gonna be
coming through here all day,

so I'm gonna try and move this
gatepost to make life easier.

[grunts]

It is quite a-- Yeah, that's
what I meant.

-I don't think you did any of
that.

-I did...

[breathes heavily]

Right, this is your big day,
Lambo.

This is what
we've been looking forward to.

[dramatic music playing]

8.9.

I'm gonna go and hook up.

[Jeremy] After a whole year

of watching Kaleb
attach things to tractors,

I figured I'd have no problems

hitching my Lambo to a trailer
I'd rented.

Um...

I do that, then that, then not
that.

Um...

[dramatic music playing]

Right, that is definitely not
coming out.

Well, there must be something
else I've forgotten to do.

What have I forgotten?

Um...

Not that.

There was only one solution.

Get Kaleb to do it.

Actually, wait! Wait, wait,
whoa!

Right, you are all set.

[Jeremy] With that,
we headed off to the farm shop

to rendezvous with Jesus.

It's now Friday, twenty to
twelve.

We have a weather front
moving in Sunday morning.

So, we've got to try and do

four days' harvesting in a day
and a half.

This could be a long day.

[dramatic music playing]

Me aircon stopped working.

And I'm too tight
to get it fixed at the minute.

It's either there, or there.

That's nice there.

[tense music playing]

So, we're going all night
tonight probably, yeah.

In there, there's some toilet
roll.

All right, if you get short,
let me know, all right?

-You've actually brought bog
roll?

-Yeah.

Wouldn't be the first time
I get caught out.

Look!

We have a combine harvester.

[country music playing]

It's here.

-That's Simon.
-[Kaleb] That's Simon.

[harvester beeping]

Has he briefed you on how to do
this?

Are we doing this on the move?

-Unloading on the move?
-[all] Yeah.

[Jeremy] We then discussed an
issue

that would add yet more
pressure.

This is an unusual year
for the barley and the rape

to be ready at exactly the same
time.

-Yes, very.
-Very unusual.

-Almost unique,
I would say.

Normally, the barley's ready
much--

Normally ready two or three
weeks earlier, yeah.

-[Jeremy] And then the rape's...
-[Simon] Yeah.

-...it's just that dry spring
then?

-[Simon] Yes.

[engine whirring]

[classical music playing]

[Jeremy] Here it comes.

[Kaleb] And we're away.

My first harvest.

They are bloody clever,
combines, aren't they?

[Kaleb] They're wicked.

You're right, I mean,
to be able to chop the thing,

open the pod, take those tiny--

That massive machine take
those tiny seeds out and go,

"Don't need that,
don't need that,

don't need that.
But do need that."

And it measures
how much seed is taken out.

It's just-- Oh, farming is
amazing, isn't it?

Adrenaline's buzzing, I am
buzzing.

You know, come three 'clock
tonight,

in the morning, I'll be still
going.

You're gonna be hanging.

[gentle music playing]

[Jeremy] When the combine
was close to full,

Kaleb maneuvered into position.

Okay, hold it about there.

That's the first lot coming out.

[Western-style music playing]

And once he'd filled up

with two payloads from the
combine...

he headed to the barn to unload.

And whilst he was grappling
with my 19th-century trailer...

Oh, my God.

...I was psyching myself up
for my first run.

I'm just hanging back.

His yellow light is on,

that tells me its tank is 80%
full.

I'm underway. This is the
moment.

I'm coming in now, coming in.

Not hot, no, not coming in hot.

[dramatic music playing]

I'm gonna go back further.
Further back, further back.

Oh, that's right, I'm filling
the back first, that's it.

I need one eye there and one eye
there, to see where I'm going.

I need to be a pigeon.

[Simon over walkie-talkie] It's
off.

[Jeremy] Oh, no, I've stopped.

[Simon] Keep going.

[Jeremy] I can't do it. Oh, no.

I need to be at the front,
I need to be at the front.

Wait a minute, what do I need
to do? Slow down.

[Simon] Ready, steady, steady,
go.

[Jeremy] Oh, no, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.

Well done, you got most of
that in the middle.

[Jeremy over walkie-talkie]
Jesus, that's difficult.

Everything's reversed,
so if I'm looking here,

over my shoulder and I think,
"Oh, no, it's at the back,"

I have to slow down.

When it's at the back, slow
down.

When it's at the front, speed
up.

[country music playing]

Happily, on my next run
there was no onanism.

It all went well.

All these racing drivers
talk about precision driving,

they do not know what the words
mean.

I then rushed off to unload my
cargo,

fully aware
that having complained for years

about tractors holding up
traffic,

I was now in a tractor holding
up traffic.

You should all have stopped
at the farm shop,

then you wouldn't be stuck here,
would you? Mmm.

Back at the farm, it was

imperative I got the seed
unloaded quickly,

so I could get back to the field

before the combine was
full again.

Lovely.

Then, back up-- Wait a minute.
If I swing that way.

Back up...

Yes.

My angle was wrong.

If I back up,
that way keeps it to the right.

Yeah, that's it.

God.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Pay attention, Jeremy.

So, if I go that way,
keeping the back out.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
this is just impossible.

After a mere six attempts,

which could easily have been
edited out...

the much more modern
rented trailer was in.

Oh, yes.

Oh, shit, shit, shit.

Jesus, that was lucky.
I won't tell Kaleb about that.

[classical music playing]

With the weather holding,

we worked as a team

to cover as much ground as
possible.

Right, this field, according to
my map here, 54.8 acres,

and if we'd had good weather,

we could expect £23,500
worth of rape out of it.

I don't think it'll be that
much.

I'd like to ring Charlie and
ask him, but he's on holiday.

So, we're doing ten acres an
hour

and all the Canadians have just
fallen off

their chairs laughing at us.

It's definitely
getting rather hot in here.

Just turn my air conditioning
up a bit.

[laughs]

Go that way...

get that out...

it means I go right,
so I wanna be going that way.

Wait, wait, I'm gonna try that
again one more time.

[classical music playing]

Despite the idyllic working
conditions,

there was a nagging issue on my
mind.

How much seed were we actually
harvesting?

[Kaleb over walkie-talkie]
What's it saying

on thecomputer, Simon?

The yield monitor on the
combine is saying

it's running at two and a half
ton to the hectare now,

so that's a ton to the acre.

But what we're looking for
is a ton and a half an acre.

[Simon] It's good in patches.

[classical music ends]

7.3. We're all right.

[Jeremy] So far as I could tell,

most of what we were harvesting
were earwigs.

There were thousands of them.

But I was told this was normal,
so we kept on working.

Right, here we go, coat on.

[tense music playing]

[Simon speaking on
walkie-talkie]

The second field I think yielded

better than the first
one...definitely.

[Jeremy] Wait a minute.

You kick the back out that way,
yes, head it on that way.

Oh, bloody hell, that's the
wrong way.

-[Kaleb] It's like a tractor
meet.

-[Jeremy] Isn't it?
[Kaleb laughs]

-So, we've done Picket's Piece.
-[Kaleb] Yeah.

[Jeremy] We're doing Lower
Washpool now.

And then we've got Bury Hill
North, which is 45.7 acres.

[Kaleb] You better get going,
Jeremy.

-Oh, his light's on.
-[Kaleb] Yeah.

[country music playing]

[guitar music playing]

[Jeremy] The next morning,
when we resumed harvesting,

my first offload of earwigs
was even trickier than normal.

He's parked his truck in the
farmyard.

There's something wrong with
him.

Right, he won't be
finding that in a hurry.

[Western-style music playing]

However, Kaleb's annoying

parking was the least of my
problems.

Because, unlike yesterday,
the sky was overcast

and that didn't bode well

for the mid-morning moisture
test.

[beep]

-Ten.
-[Simon] Ten.

Yeah.

That's too much. Two percent
over. Why has it got wet?

It hasn't rained.

Is it just moisture in the
atmosphere?

[Kaleb] It's probably
the moisture in the air.

[Simon] 'Cause actually, it's
damper now

than it was at seven o'clock
this morning.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, what do we do?

[Jeremy] Happily,
there was one thing we could do.

Go and test the barley

to see if we could harvest that
instead.

-What's the news, mate?
-14.7.

-What's the limit for that?
-15.

-So, it's good enough to go?
-We could go. Yeah.

[rock music playing]

[Simon over walkie-talkie]
Right,

I'd say that was
pretty successful.

Oh-hoo. Did you hear that,
fetus boy? It was successful.

Simon, don't give him a big
head.

[Jeremy] What I've got
in the trailer right now

will keep Wetherspoon's going
for about a year.

That is beer seeds.

However, when I got to the barn,

I realized I had another
problem.

All right, what have we got
left on rape?

We've got about, big field,

about 40 or 50 tons of rape
still to go.

So, where do I put the barley?

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Where the bloody hell
am I gonna store this barley?

Because the barn's all full,
we can't mix them up, can we?

No, no, you'll have to store it
up the airfield.

That bunker I built,

we can probably store about 400
tons of barley up there.

Yeah, but we can't,
'cause it's gonna rain.

If it does rain, we can't just
leave it outside, can we?

No, it will get wet
and then they will reject it.

You'll have to just sell it
straightaway.

What do you mean?

Well, you can't store it,

you'll have to just literally
dump it up there,

then sell it straightaway.

What, today?

Well, yeah, ideally, today, yes.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Jeremy] Back in the office.

Okay, grain merchants.

Yeah, hi.

Really, I need a wagon today.

So, you can't help at all?

After a few calls, I finally
got a result.

Oh, you're playing music in my
ear.

Cheers, bye, bye.

Wagon on its way.

[country music playing]

I then drove to the storage
facility that Kaleb had rebuilt

after some lockdown agri-yobs
had burnt the old one down.

[country music continues]

This is like being nine,
playing sandcastles. I like it.

Then, Kaleb arrived with his
load.

Followed shortly afterwards
by the lorry I'd ordered.

-That is a smart lorry.
-[beeping]

-Will it weigh what we put in
there?

-Yeah.

-Will it? Epic.
-Yeah.

However, as the loading began,

I got a terrible hot-neck
feeling

as I realized that the grain

from the ten acres we'd
harvested

would completely fill the lorry.

And we still had 140 acres to
go.

My only hope
was that Kaleb wouldn't notice.

Twenty lorries you should have
organized.

-Twenty lorries?
-Twenty lorries.

They should have been coming
back and forth, back and forth.

-What, 29 tons in each one?
-Yes.

It's six o'clock on a Saturday
night.

We're not gonna get any more now
and it's Sunday tomorrow.

And it's gonna rain tonight.

Are we completely stuck then?

Yes.

Completely stuck, we can't cut
any more barley now, because...

you fucked up. All you had to do

was get your phone out and go,
"Hiya."

-No.
-Yeah. Yes, it is.

Wrong, no, I made the mistake
about nine months ago.

What?

When I went, "That barn's big
enough."

I was in full Yorkshire mode.

"No, I'm not spending more than
22 grand,

that barn's perfectly big
enough,

everything will go in there."

I thought we'd have little bays
with rape would go there,

the wheat would go there,
the barley would go there.

They never said to me, you never
said to me, if I'm honest--

I did say, "Your barn's small."

Yes, I know, but you should
have said,

"You do realize that that barn

will be totally filled by your
rape."

-I did!
-You didn't say that.

I did. You just don't listen.
You do not listen.

No, [laughs] you switch off.

You'll probably switch off now,

you don't even know
what I'm saying now, probably.

What did I just say?

-Something about switching off.
-See?

[laughs] This is my point.

[wistful music playing]

[Jeremy] So, thanks to me,
all work ground to a halt.

And Kaleb headed for home.

Where's my fucking car?

Ah, I see it. I see the
tailgate.

[Jeremy] As it turned out,

the next morning,
I didn't need my tractor keys.

Obviously, we couldn't harvest
in the rain.

And even when the downpour
stopped,

we couldn't restart
until the crops had dried out.

So, while we were waiting,

we used the time to get another
job out of the way.

[upbeat music playing]

Starting the lambs on their
journey

to the Sunday lunch
table.

We're looking at good,
well-meated, uh, lambs

that are the right sort of
weight, 44 kilos-plus...

that are good to go to the
abattoir,

so we can have some good meat.

[upbeat music continues]

So, what we got, Ellen,
the right weight and the fit?

-Seventy-eight.
-Seventy-eight.

[Jeremy] It's like they know.

This is a powerful advertisement
for vegetarianism.

But I've seen powerful adverts
for going on a cruise,

and I'm still not gonna do that.

[Western-style music playing]

Once the lambs had gone...

and the fields had dried out,

we finished off harvesting
the oil seed rape

and the barley.

And then we sold what we'd got
to a grain merchant.

[beeping]

That just left one crop... the
wheat.

What's the news?

16.6.

[Jeremy] So, still over.

Without any green in it.
It wants another week.

-[Kaleb] Without any green.
-Right, we must leave it.

[Jeremy] Sadly, I then received
a rather distressing phone call.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, I'll, um, I'll be
back later.

[clears throat] All right,
thanks. Bye.

Wayne Rooney's dead.

How my poor ram had died was a
mystery.

So, after we'd loaded him into

the most dignified hearse we
could find,

the vet took him away to do an
autopsy.

And rang later on to say he died
from a twisted intestine.

I'm surprised at how sad I am
about the death of Wayne,

because... I am.

He'd become sort of part

of a little ritual I had in the
evening.

I'd go for a walk
and bring them a bit of food

and they'd come running up.

I've just come down now

because I wanted to make sure
that Leo was all right.

But he's sort of hiding
in that bush over there.

And he won't come out,
not even for the food.

Sadly, we had to leave my only
remaining ram to his grief.

Because soon, the moisture level
of the wheat was bang on.

What's the news?

14.4.

[Jeremy] And we were good to go.

[dramatic music playing]

There were 96 acres of wheat to
harvest,

and its value was measured
differently

to oil seed rape and barley.

With wheat, the volume you
get...

I was gonna say it doesn't
matter, it does matter,

but it doesn't matter as much
as the quality.

So, I've got
a half a trailer load back there

and I don't know whether I've
got

half a trailer load of really
good wheat

that'll be used to make bread,

or really terrible wheat

that'll have to go to be animal
feed.

[dramatic music continues]

As we beavered away, Kaleb,

now desperate for his

long-awaited visit to
the barber's,

took a moment to rearrange his
coiffure.

Hair.

I like it.

[laughs]

It's out of my face at least.

[Jeremy] Shortly
after this exchange, though,

the mood changed,

because Gareth Bale noticed

that a neighboring farmer was
in trouble.

[Kaleb] Look to your left,

Jeremy, it doesn't look
very good over there.

Something's on fire, isn't it?

[Jeremy] This is every farmer's
nightmare.

A harvest blaze caused by
malfunctioning equipment.

[Kaleb over walkie-talkie] I'm
on it now,

just bear with me, two minutes.

I know there's two fire engines
going to it now.

How does he know that?

How do you know that?

Got contacts everywhere.

[Jeremy] I took a moment to
thank the Lord

for the bulletproof reliability
of the Lambo.

[dramatic music playing]

And then we got back to work.

Just let it go back
towards the back of it.

[Jeremy] Thanks to Simon's calm

and clear instructions over the
radio...

That's good, now bring it
forward.

...I was getting pretty good
at my tractoring.

[Simon] You're sort of

just the front end of the
middle.

Turn it slightly closer to you
than the middle at the moment.

[dramatic music continues]

[Jeremy] But, later that day,

I came back from a run to the
storage barn

to find Simon had been replaced
in the combine by a colleague.

[Gerald speaking indistinctly
on walkie-talkie]

I just don't know, I... I don't
know.

I don't know what he wants me
to do.

[over walkie-talkie] Do you want

me to come alongside on the next
run?

[indistinct]

...as long as you don't go too
fast...

[indistinct]

[Jeremy] He hasn't put his
light on, but the spout's out,

so I'm assuming he's ready.

[Gerald] As I say,
if you turn... [indistinct]

Am I at the back?

[Gerald speaking indistinctly
on walkie-talkie]

I have no idea.

[Gerald continues speaking
indistinctly]

[Jeremy] Shit, shit, shit.

[Gerald continues speaking
indistinctly]

Not a word, not a word.

[Gerald continues speaking
indistinctly]

[Jeremy] Eventually, though,
we got into a rhythm.

I tell you what, he's 72, look
at him.

He was telling me last week,

he's combined this farm
every year for 50 years

and he didn't want to miss this
one, even with COVID.

And here he is.

[over walkie-talkie] I'll wait
for your light to go on, Gerald.

Put your light on, I'll come
back.

[Gerald] Okay, but like I said,
if you just don't go too fast,

then I can see the backof the
trailer

and I can do the combine...
[indistinct]

Okay, got you.

I haven't, but--

[Gerald continues speaking
indistinctly]

[laughs]

[serene music playing]

[Jeremy] By the end of August,
our work was complete.

We had harvested 546 acres

of wheat, oil seed rape and
barley.

And the fields were now taking
a well-earned breather.

I couldn't, though.
I had to sell the wheat.

So, I took a sample...

[country rock music playing]

...and called Charlie, who,
now all the work was done,

was back from his holiday,

and arranged to meet him at my
local mill.

There it is.

[Jeremy] Sample bag.

My hope was that my wheat
would end up in here,

being turned into flour for
bread.

Because then I'd get top dollar
for it.

First, though, it had to pass
muster with Paul the miller.

This is your--

Number one, Premier League...

Premier League.

...milling wheat. Not Vauxhall
Conference.

No.

We'd like a Liverpool here,
you know, top of the league.

Man City at the very least.

Right, okay. We will see what
we can do.

I will go in to our lab man

and we will come out
with the result for you.

-How long's it take?
-Okay. Five minutes.

[Jeremy] The make-or-break
number, according to Paul,

would be the percentage of
protein in the grain.

-You're aiming actually for 13.
-Thirteen percent.

[Jeremy] Thirteen is the number.

I think it's about 13.4%
protein.

Right. I'll go for 12.6, 12.7.

Paul, we want to know whether--

-Yeah, we need to know.
-[laughs]

Okay. Shall I go and test it?

-Yes. Please.
-I'm-- Yeah.

-Good.
-Bye. Love your hat.

Whilst we were waiting

for Paul's bread boffin to do
his thing,

I was keen to know what success

would look like, in terms of
money.

-How much is premium wheat per
ton?

-£185.

Right, and if it's hen food...

-how much?
-150, 155 pounds.

All right, so, £185 a ton
if it's good quality.

-Correct.
-£155 if it's hen food.

Correct.

[softly] So, once we've
established. it's good quality,

do I then start haggling
with him over price?

Well, you might sort of ask for

an indication of what it's
worth.

Can I hit him with, "I want
£200 a ton."

I think that's a nice figure,
isn't it?

Sounds round.

It does. Just-- Just say £200
a ton and then,

"Okay, I won't
sell it today,"

and get in your car and drive
off.

So, we can just say, "I'm not
selling."

"We'd like to sell it, you know,
we will sell it to you, but..."

But not necessarily now.

"Not necessarily today."

Well, he might say, "Okay,
fine."

Yeah, he might.

I'm really useless at haggling.

The time for speculation,
though, was now over.

Oh, he's back. He's back.

The all-important protein,
the first number is one.

[Jeremy] Yeah.

The second number is three.

Yes!

Then we have a point.

Yes, zero.

And the next number is five.

-Oh.
-[laughs]

Almost like...

-How did you know that?
-Well, it's the color.

This is probably
as good as I've seen to now.

-[Charlie] Very good.
-Well done, Jeremy.

No, well done him and Kaleb.

Can I insist, Charlie, that we
buy it to grind up in the mill

and then we can send some of
the flour

back to Jeremy to sell
in the shop?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Well, no, we've got to haggle.

[Paul] No, no, no, I've sorted
that out.

What do you mean, you've sorted
it out?

You may know about car prices,
but I know about wheat prices.

How much is it then?

It would be around the £180,
185 mark.

That's fantastic news.

So, it's gold star, to be
honest.

-I'm gonna go and bathe in it.
-[Paul] Mmm.

Thanks, Paul.

That's actually [laughs] good
news.

[country rock music playing]

[Jeremy] With the harvest done

and Charlie now crunching the
numbers,

I caught up on the post,

where I found the results

from the latest tests
on my bottled spring water.

Um...

[clicks tongue]

"22 degrees and 37 degrees
bacterial results have failed.

So, the water is not in a
sellable state.

For your reference,
the TVC count should be zero

and they were found to be
10,000-plus."

That's not a fail, that's a
catastrophe.

Ten thousand?

This meant I had to get to
the farm shop sharpish,

to remove the water from the
shelves before anyone bought it.

And luckily, I had just the
machine for the job,

because I'd been reunited...

with an old friend.

[upbeat music playing]

Welcome, everyone,

to the new Diddly Squat
fast response vehicle.

[laughs] It's great to have it
back.

The fact is, if it can handle
the roads of Madagascar,

it can definitely handle the

fields of Chipping Norton and it
is doing.

Weird that I've never driven
this car

at more than eight miles an
hour.

Now look at me.

I'm literally saving lives here,
doing this.

I've come to get the water.

Why?

It's got shit in it.

-Sorry, what?
-It's got shit in it.

It says it's got no shit in it.

It says it's got no shit in it,

but that's not strictly
accurate.

-It's full of it.
-[Lisa gasps]

I don't know what it is, it's
bacteria,

it's not actual feces,
it's bacteria.

But we'll flush the system
out with detergent,

get it tested again.

What are they?

Mushrooms.

-[Jeremy] What?
-Mushrooms. Big mushrooms.

[Jeremy] Big?

-Bloody hell.
-You know what you do?

You slice them up and dip them
in egg

and you fry them
and it's like a mushroom toast.

No, but that's a mushroom.

Yeah, that's a big mushroom.

Our field mushrooms here. Look
at that!

They're fantastic.

[upbeat music playing]

Everything was fantastic at the
farm shop,

as we were finally starting to
see some fruit from our labors.

Orangutan-friendly vegetable oil
made with our own oil seed rape

was already on the shelves.

And a couple of days later,
our lambs were back.

-Your shoulder boned and rolled.
-Yeah.

The breast, which is like your
scrag for just roasting.

Your chops. Your liver and your
kidney and mince.

So, I delivered that,
reared it, fed it, nurtured it.

-You did.
-Loved it.

Loved it.

You've killed it and chopped it
up.

Chopped it up for you, yes.

Ready to eat.

[Jeremy] It had cost £5,000
to raise and butcher the lambs,

but they were so popular
with the locals...

So, you want two whole lambs,
basically, so it's four halves.

Yeah, yeah.

...it looked like we might

even get a couple of hundred
quid back.

See you. Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Thank you very much for coming.
Hope you enjoy.

Who needs supermarkets?
A thing, a thing has worked.

Morning, morning.

-We've got seven left.
-[Lisa] Good.

That's all we've got, seven,

-and it's only half past 11:00.
-[Lisa] Excellent, okay.

Anyone else here for lambs?

The shop is incredibly busy.

And it'll be such a shame
if we have to shut it down

because the milk is from eight
miles away,

which is in Gloucestershire

and we're only allowed to sell
stuff from Oxfordshire.

[serene music playing]

[Jeremy] This had been
my first-ever farming year.

But even so, I decided to
celebrate

in the traditional way.

So, I met with Kaleb in my old
barn,

to hang a wheat sheaf
on one of its oak beams.

[Kaleb] It's like a celebration.

End of harvest, hang it up.

[Jeremy] And along
with the hanging of the wheat,

there was something else to
celebrate.

Did they use a pair of these to
do it?

It looks good.

It doesn't look good, it looks
ridiculous.

Did you pay money for it?

Yes.

Oh, it's not-- How have I done
that?

How can I not even do this
properly?

I would go up the ladder, but I
can't.

Why not?

I got shot.

What?

I was shot in the leg.

What, you've really been shot?

Yeah, honestly, yeah, yeah,

I was with a group of mates in
a circle,

playing footie and he got his
air rifle and

"accidently" shot me in the leg.

-You're kidding?
-In my shin.

-No.
-With an air rifle?

A .22 air rifle,
from about four meters away.

[Jeremy] Bloody hell.

[Kaleb] Scabbing over now, look,
the pellet's still in my leg.

The pellet is there.

But he was a mate who shot you?

Yeah, a mate of mine, yeah.

So, he got his gun out,
loaded it

and then he pointed it at you.

-Yeah.
-And what did you say?

"Don't point that gun at me,
you dickhead."

You hadn't had a row or
anything?

No, no. I've been, like, best
friends with him

since primary school.

He said it was an accident,
so it must have been.

Well, how can it be an accident,

to point an air rifle at someone
and then pull the trigger?

Don't know.

[Jeremy] My next conversation,
I suspected,

would be equally troubling,

as the time had come to sit down
with Cheerful Charlie

and find out how much money
the harvest had generated.

We're all-- We're all done.

End of the harvest.

-Well done. Good.
-Well, thank you.

How's it feel?

It's... [sputtering] It's...

Well, I'll let you know in a
minute,

'cause you're going to tell me
the figures.

You're going to give me
the moment of truth.

Well, as you know...

"As we know," here we go.

It hasn't been a great year
for...

for farming, generally.

I read in The Times yesterday,

it's the worst year for farmers
since 1976.

Dry summer. I know, I remember
it well.

It was the year of my O Levels.
It's why I haven't got any.

So, we're just gonna look
at these top boxes.

Look at the blue.

And now I'm gonna frighten you.

Last year, we made £226,000
from crop sales.

That's before any costs.

So, £226,000.

-Yeah.
-And this year's 137.

So, £90,000 lower from the same
area.

It is nine--

-Which is quite incredible. So,
you know.

-Well, "incredible" is one word.

-That is £90,000 down.
-Yeah.

It's-- It's enormous. Forty
percent lower.

£90,000 gone because of the
weather.

So where are the costs, because
how much--

-Here are the costs then, so we
spent--

-We spent--

-£14,000 on seed.
-On seed.

£34,000 on fertilizer
and £20,000 on sprays.

So, £68,601.

And then there's £68,457 of
costs.

That's Kaleb, that's the
machinery.

So, you've made £144 profit
from the arable farm.

So, the fact of the matter is
this,

farming seven days a week for a
year, on a 1,000-acre farm,

has generated an income of £144?

Correct.

Fortunately, at the moment,

we have this subsidy. When that
goes...

What are farmers going to do?

I mean, honestly,
what are they going to do?

The ones who don't have Amazon
film crews following them around

and Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire?

to top up the income?

I mean, what do you do when the
subsidy starts to go down?

There will be...
there's gonna be a sea change

to the, rurally,
you know, the countryside.

There'll be 30 percent
less farmers, probably.

But that's where we are with
farming in this day and age.

And the next time a farmer
moans about the weather...

put your arm round him and buy
him a pint,

because he's not moaning about
it

'cause it's a bit miserable
working in the rain,

he's moaning about it
'cause it's crucifying.

[mournful music playing]

I was now in a quandary.

I'd worked bloody hard all year

and my reward was £144.

Even with the grants
and subsidies added in,

I'd have been far better off
selling up,

putting the money in the bank
and living off the interest.

And yet the past year
had been absolutely brilliant.

I'd done so many things I didn't
think that I'd be able to do.

I'd become a shepherd.

A tractor driver.

A shopkeeper.

[imperceptible]

A midwife.

A key worker.

[imperceptible]

An engineer.

And a conservationist.

All in the company of Diddly
Squat's

endlessly happy,
endlessly dysfunctional family.

[imperceptible]

But could I really go through
the whole cycle again...

for less than 40 pence a day?

It's a question that crops up
almost immediately

at our harvest festival picnic.

If there's anything I'm gonna go
for, it's one of

them whatsanames.

No, those.

-[Charlie] One of these.
-That's the one, yeah.

[Jeremy] So, is it a year and
a day since we started farming?

[Charlie] It is. Just over.

[Jeremy] So, the big thing
I've got to work out now is,

I've got a choice,
realistically.

I can either go back to London
and resume my old life--

Yeah, do that.

[laughs]

You haven't heard the "or."

No, no, no. Do that.

I think I don't want to go
back to London now.

-Ever?
-No, I'm happy here.

You like London, let's just--
You know, you love London.

[Jeremy laughs]

And London suits you.

-And, um...
-You've got friends in London.

[Kaleb] Yeah, you've got friends
in London,

you know loads of people.

[Charlie] You've got
loads of friends here.

Mmm.

He wants me to stay.

Because I am a cash cow to him.

[laughs]

If you weigh it up,
weigh-hey-hey, I'd go farm.

I think you're happy here.

You're right, I am happy here.

I said, back when we
were lambing,

that I've never
been happier.

Remember, we had all the lambs
coming

and it was quite a nice day,

I went, "I've never been

happier at work
than I am now."

-[Lisa] Really?
-No.

-Look at the colors.

-[Lisa] It is stunning.
- Autumn's coming.

It's always stunning
on the farm, actually.

Whatever the day, there's

always something
that's absolutely beautiful.

The thing is, the show's now
over.

This one.

-Cheers, guys.
-Which is sad.

But thank you very much

for all your help over the last
year.

Cheers.

[Jeremy] All of you,
thank you very, very much.

Thank you for being so patient
with me.

-I'm gonna get in that
tractor now.

-[chuckles]

You're gonna come back with me
and put the cultivator on it

and I'm gonna go cultivating
now.

I thought you was going to
a party tonight, you said.

[laughter]

[Lisa laughs] In London.

[laughter]

[music playing]

[imperceptible]