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00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
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00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,005
♪
3
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:07,007
♪
4
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,134
- Goddammit, Terrance!
- You rang?
5
00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:10,219
- Of course, I fucking rang.
6
00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:12,679
Did we or did we not decide
to paint an accent ceiling?
7
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:13,388
- Yass.
8
00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:16,183
- And did we or did we not decide
to paint it eggshell white?
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00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:17,309
The whitest of all whites.
10
00:00:17,309 --> 00:00:18,685
The Kaley Cuoco of whites.
11
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,479
The "calling the cops
on a barbecue" of whites.
12
00:00:20,479 --> 00:00:21,146
- Sounds famil.
13
00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:23,440
- Then what in holy Gragnor's Crack
is this?
14
00:00:24,775 --> 00:00:26,818
- Hot dog consensually railing
a cupcake!
15
00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:29,488
Painted it last night after I smoked
some meth from my English pipe.
16
00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:32,783
It's a red velvet cupcake
so you know it's c-lassy.
17
00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:34,576
Ahh, you broke my Pipe-r Perabo!
18
00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:36,203
- Ha, missed me, sucka!
19
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:38,664
- Choke on some
of this lattice red paint!
20
00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:39,665
TERRY: Ah, yeah!
[Jesse grunting]
21
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- Stop it! Stop it all of you!
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00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,751
This was supposed to be something
we did as a family.
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00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:44,628
Like playing golf
or when we got that portrait
24
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where we were all
in black turtlenecks and gold chains
25
00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,548
like Death Row Records.
26
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- Hi, Terry!
- Oh, hells no.
27
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,426
Pupa can't join in.
He always gets paint all over himself,
28
00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:53,053
and then we don't know
what color he really is.
29
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- Yeah, remember when we thought
he was purple
30
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,266
and had to sacrifice
that virgin e-sports kid?
31
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- Shame he died a virgin,
but at least he wasn't buried as one.
32
00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:01,311
- What's done is done.
33
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Now, as leader of this family
and unquestioned star of the show,
34
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,108
I decree we paint the ceiling white.
35
00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:08,485
- Well, I don't decree that bullshite.
Do you guys decree that?
36
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- No!
- Kree-aw from Captain Marvel?
37
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- Okay, I've heard all of your
well-thought-out arguments
38
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and decided on a course of action.
39
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- The fuck you gonna do
with that gargoyle ray, fart face.
40
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- Oh nothing. Just gonna freeze
you guys for a while
41
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so I can finally do what I want!
42
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[grunting]
Dammit.
43
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- Now, Phil, Dr. Sarner said
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this was the best dialysis machine.
45
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Oh dammit, I'm so sick
of those gargoyle-making aliens.
46
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Look what they've done to us.
47
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,302
Our couch: gargoyle.
Our TV: gargoyle.
48
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Our dog: gargoyle.
49
00:01:34,303 --> 00:01:37,389
Fucking Mr. Peaches is a symbolic
gothic demon, Phil.
50
00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:40,976
And those dick-faced alien kids
run around all day with no supervision.
51
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Well, I am done.
52
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I'm calling the city
before they turn you into a--
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Son of a bitch!
54
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KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was the perfect utopia
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until the asteroid hit.
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One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a pupa
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00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,075
and escaped into... the space,
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searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
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We crashed on Earth, stranding us
on an already overpopulated planet.
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That's right. I've been talking
this whole time.
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I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name's Korvo.
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This is-- this is my show.
I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?
63
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[stammers]
This is ridiculous.
64
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I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
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People are stupid and confusing.
66
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I can't believe humans
haven't solved Pi yet.
67
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I almost want to tell you the answer
because it's embarrassing for you.
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Okay, it's four.
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♪
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- Ugh! Our water bill is crazy
this month.
71
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,692
Why do you guys take
such long showers?
72
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,611
Are you touching
your mounds again?
73
00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:34,738
You gotta stop touching it
or it's gonna fall off!
74
00:02:34,738 --> 00:02:36,448
- Man, this sucks!
That hot dog was art.
75
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- No, Terry,
Ready Player Three is art.
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Stop whining and hand me
another can of white paint.
77
00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:42,162
- Oh, this one?
You want this one? Okay.
78
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,038
Yeah, just grab it. Go ahead.
79
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- Don't make me come down there.
80
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- Get it now.
- Goddammit.
81
00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:46,959
Would you give me that!
- Suck a big dick!
82
00:02:46,959 --> 00:02:48,293
- Whoa!
[doorbell rings]
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- Everyone freeze!
Child Protective Services!
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We got an anonymous tip
that children were being turned
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into gargoyles in this house.
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[sobs]
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CPS AGENT 2:
Uh, Jim. Which one are the kids?
88
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- Well, shit, they're drinking herbal tea
and clearly paying household bills
89
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but they're taller.
90
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,268
- Plus, this one feels like
she has an old soul.
91
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- Huh?
92
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,521
- [yelling]
She says you have an old soul!
93
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:08,438
- Pshhh. Ahh.
94
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,691
- Only one way to find out
who's a kid and who's not.
95
00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:13,151
- Okay, we gave you IQ tests
96
00:03:13,151 --> 00:03:15,696
and you two scored the lowest,
so you must be the kids.
97
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- That's bullshit, you know
these tests are culturally biased
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00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:18,949
against plant-based lifeforms.
99
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- I don't test well!
I have attention deficit dis--
100
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Oh, I love your jacket!
Where did you get that?
101
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Is that Topman?
102
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:25,247
- This is for the best.
103
00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:28,041
The accent ceiling is just a white symbol
for how much you guys don't get me.
104
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,878
I need to be with people who...
are going in that sweet-looking van?
105
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- Shotgun!
- Fuck you, Terry.
106
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[grunting]
- Hey.
107
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Ah. Stop it.
108
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Ah, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow.
109
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Ow, ow, ow, I said.
110
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- What's going to happen to them?
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- If they're lucky,
they'll be lost in the system,
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then end up on the street,
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sucking and fucking their way
to a dollar and a cent.
114
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- Oh man, that sounds like Terry.
He's gonna thrive.
115
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- What can we do?
- Forget about those kids.
116
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:51,565
Go on with your life.
117
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Buy a Jimmy John's franchise
or a Jersey Mike's. Maybe a Blimpie's?
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Anything in the fast casual
sandwich space.
119
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That's my side hustle.
Let me know.
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[van door closes]
[engine starts]
121
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- You think Terry and Korvo
are gonna be okay?
122
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,787
- I really hope so.
I like them.
123
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:09,124
- Today is gonna be one of those weird
Solar Opposites days, right?
124
00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:11,877
- You betcha!
Probably best to just roll with it.
125
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Last one to the school bus
is a deviled egg!
126
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CPS AGENT 1:
Welcome to CPS HQ.
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To save money, we share office space
with a Wing Stop.
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You're lucky, the cops have
to share with a Jiffy Lube.
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OFFICER 1: Motherfucker!
OFFICER 2: Freeze!
130
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- Wing Stop for da win!
Yay-yay!
131
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:38,529
- I'm still mad at you
but in this one case, you are spot on.
132
00:04:38,529 --> 00:04:40,864
These Mango Habanero ones
are the T-I-Ts.
133
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,616
- Bet they would taste great
with some Terry sauce.
134
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:43,784
- Oh hell yes. Gimme!
135
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,411
- It's too bad you can't have any
because you ruined my painting!
136
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,829
[squirts]
137
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,164
- Did you see what that kid just did?
138
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:52,876
I think we might finally have one
for "Project Dark Brilliance."
139
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,046
My Little Pony omega code three.
140
00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,423
Franklin, get him ready
for transport.
141
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,596
YUMYULACK: Oh shit!
JESSE: Oh no!
142
00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:07,808
- What in the fuck are you two cocknobbers
doing in the hallway?
143
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:08,809
- Oww!
144
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,603
- Wait, I thought the Stacis
weren't bullying us anymore.
145
00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:14,773
- That's because our bullies union was
in negotiation with the teachers union,
146
00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:16,817
but we struck a deal that says
we can smoke cigarettes
147
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,151
and bully kids on Wednesday.
148
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,529
- Ah jeepers, it's Humpday.
149
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,614
You gotta admire these ladies.
150
00:05:22,614 --> 00:05:25,158
By outsourcing their bullying,
they keep their hands clean.
151
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,911
- It's called
plausible deniability, bitches!
152
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,329
I learned it from my dad!
153
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,249
- Principal Cooke, can you please
tell the Stacis to stop this?
154
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,626
- I can't be talking
to any students today.
155
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:36,253
I am not in a good place.
156
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:38,964
Oh. Why!
Why does the world hate me?
157
00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:41,758
- Geez Louise, we gotta get
our life together
158
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,595
or we're gonna end up
just like that sad bastard.
159
00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:46,972
- The only way we'll ever beat
the Stacis of the world
160
00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:48,682
is by understanding
how they think.
161
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,810
- We could use the Psyche Ray
to get inside their heads.
162
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:53,729
- I smell what you're dealing,
and I like it.
163
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:57,065
- Okay, now boy alien tell girl alien
how gross her ankles are.
164
00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:58,942
- They look like mushy green straws.
165
00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:00,903
- Hyah!
[Yumyulack grunts]
166
00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:06,116
- See, Kevin, that's how
you land like a boss.
167
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:07,868
Go cry to your whore mother.
168
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,120
Hey, where's Terry? Is he dead?
Is he in Kentucky?
169
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,123
- Terry is special, and he went
to a school for special kids.
170
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,292
- Okay, but I thought we couldn't
call them "special" anymore
171
00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:16,210
because of Antifa.
172
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:16,960
What about me?
173
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,087
- We've found you a great home
with a very nice couple.
174
00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:21,298
- And I'll be their only child?
The center of their attention?
175
00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,050
The apple of their eye?
The star of their spin-off?
176
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,427
- Uh, sure. He's a CPA, woo!
177
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,763
And she is in charge
of writing instructions
178
00:06:27,763 --> 00:06:29,681
for all Best Buy branded refridge--
179
00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:32,559
- Shut up, you had me
at Best Buy branded refridge.
180
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,105
[gulping]
181
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,154
[foreboding music playing]
[crow cawing]
182
00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:45,405
[beeping]
183
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:48,867
- Dr. Weatherstone, how are
the new recruits looking?
184
00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:49,993
- Too early to tell, sir.
185
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:53,121
Subject Delta 2 looks to be able
to summon fire from his penis.
186
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:55,457
Subject Gamma 4 can move
a pineapple with her brain.
187
00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:58,126
And Theta 5 does
a mean Robert De Niro impression.
188
00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:00,504
- [mimicking Robert De Niro]
I have nipples, can you milk me, Greg?
189
00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:03,048
- That's one of the easy impressions,
like Kermit.
190
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:03,966
Throw her in the kiln.
191
00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:06,552
- But it's Vega 6
that's got real potential.
192
00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:08,887
His numbers are off the charts.
Check this out.
193
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:11,223
- New York, Atlanta, OC,
Dallas, DC,
194
00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:13,475
Bev Hills, Miami, SLC, DC--
195
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:16,353
[speeding up] DC, OC, OC, NYC,
Bev Hills, Potomac, Miami, SLC--
196
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,063
- He got all the Real Housewives.
197
00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:21,191
No kid has ever been able
to do a perfect RHO sequence.
198
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,526
He's the one.
199
00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:24,403
- He's special,
but he's also an innocent.
200
00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:27,364
You can see it in his eyes.
I'm worried he won't make it.
201
00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:30,033
- Let me make this clear,
Dr. Weatherstone.
202
00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:33,662
I don't care that you're the most
attentive lover I've ever had,
203
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,080
I make the rules around here.
204
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:36,498
Prep him for surgery.
205
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:40,252
Some crazy evil shit
is about to go down.
206
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,671
[door closes]
- This is wrong.
207
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:45,299
Someone has to do something,
and soon, or we're all--
208
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:46,633
[alarm beeps]
Oh, lunchtime!
209
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,385
Taco salad,
come to mama!
210
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:50,262
[door opens, closes]
211
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,014
- Listen up!
212
00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,724
I am Officer Clark.
213
00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:56,435
This is my partner, Officer McGar.
214
00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:59,396
We both served two tours
in Afghanistan.
215
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,106
I'm only going to say this once!
216
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:03,442
We are so fucking
217
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:05,485
happy for you guys!
218
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,488
You're all going to loving homes
and families!
219
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,450
Ha, ha, ha!
Oh, and these aren't shotguns,
220
00:08:11,450 --> 00:08:12,910
they're candy cannons!
221
00:08:12,910 --> 00:08:15,579
Boom! Boom! Sweetarts for everyone!
[kids cheering]
222
00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:20,334
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
223
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,211
♪
224
00:08:22,211 --> 00:08:25,672
TOUR GUIDE: Fun fact, the tunnel scenes
for Daylight were filmed right here
225
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:29,343
due to tax rebates and the fact
that Sly Stallone got chlamydia
226
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:32,763
from visiting a New York bathhouse
that he still frequents to this day!
227
00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:33,889
[groaning]
228
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:35,682
[engine revving]
229
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,392
[tires squealing]
230
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,478
- I have been assured
my new family will allow me
231
00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:41,855
to paint an accent ceiling
the color of my choosing.
232
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,066
- My new family said
I could only stain a chair.
233
00:08:44,066 --> 00:08:45,692
- Sucks for you, Belinda.
234
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,236
[tires squealing]
235
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:49,154
[all screaming]
236
00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,322
[tires squealing]
237
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:52,157
- Oh god, I was wrong.
It sucks for all of us!
238
00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:00,999
[metallic creaking]
239
00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,543
- Is this part of the tour?
240
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,211
- Great question.
But actually, no.
241
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,380
- It's just one of
those horrible coincidences,
242
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,924
like when the people on
the Fast and Furious 3D ride
243
00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:10,384
all had sex with Tyrese.
244
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,010
- But I am part of the tour!
245
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:13,262
- Holy shit, it's fuckin' Sly!
246
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:15,138
- That's right, it's me, Sly Stallone.
247
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,641
Sometimes I get bored
of all the charity work I do.
248
00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:20,394
I like to ride the bus undercover
and see how people react.
249
00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:21,311
[rumbling]
250
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:23,230
Come on,
let's get you out of here!
251
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,860
- Don't fucking touch me,
Sylvester Stallone.
252
00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:31,238
Don't you know who I am? I'm Korvo!
I do the hero shit around here!
253
00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:35,033
[eating noisily]
254
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:35,701
[gasps]
255
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:38,662
[sighs]
256
00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:46,753
- Okay, I'm gonna go in
and make sure Staci K. is alone,
257
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:49,089
then I'll give you the signal.
258
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,175
Wait for it.
- Wh-wh-what's the signal?
259
00:09:51,175 --> 00:09:53,802
- I don't know, I'm just making
this shit up as I go along.
260
00:09:54,845 --> 00:09:56,180
[sizzling]
261
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:58,390
- Principal Cooke?
262
00:09:58,390 --> 00:10:00,267
Uh, what are you doing?
263
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,644
- This is the only place that has
a strong enough power outlet
264
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:03,896
for my hotplate.
265
00:10:03,896 --> 00:10:05,105
Please don't tell on me.
266
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:08,525
If I get caught cooking beans and eggs
on school grounds again, I'll lose my job.
267
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:10,277
This is all I have!
268
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,695
- Die, motherfucker!
- No, wait!
269
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,990
[screaming]
270
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:16,992
[farts]
271
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,037
- Well, this day just took a turn.
272
00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:22,331
But I guess this is
exactly what I thought
273
00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:23,999
a boring principal's brain
would look like.
274
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,668
- Ugh. Even basic thinks this is basic.
275
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:27,753
- How do we get out of here?
276
00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:30,506
- Good thing I read
the Psyche Ray manual
277
00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:31,798
so I know what to do.
278
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:33,008
- Yeah, I read it too.
279
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:35,385
But maybe explain the rules to me
as if I was, like, someone
280
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,137
who binge-watches
premium streaming TV.
281
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,013
- Yay, you.
282
00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:40,265
All we have to do is find
Cooke's inner child,
283
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,558
and he will lead us out.
284
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:42,726
- Seems simple enough.
285
00:10:43,185 --> 00:10:47,189
JESSE: Aw jeez, turns out
Principal Cooke is hella deep.
286
00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:49,650
♪
287
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:53,612
- Son, I wish your mom had miscarried you
when she got kicked in the stomach
288
00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:55,739
by that Budweiser Clydesdale.
289
00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:58,534
- Wow. I just thought Principal Cooke
was a big bag of sad
290
00:10:58,534 --> 00:11:02,120
'cause he had to work with kids,
but he clearly has daddy issues!
291
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,914
Surprised he's not workin' a pole.
292
00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:05,999
- I don't know,
I think his dad seems rad.
293
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,709
Hey, is that the Inner Child?
[growls]
294
00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:15,968
- I don't think so.
Check out that Fudgsicle.
295
00:11:15,968 --> 00:11:18,053
Cooke went crazy
when it spilled before.
296
00:11:18,053 --> 00:11:20,097
This must be
Cooke's Temper Monster!
297
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:21,515
It's fueled by all his anger.
298
00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:24,601
If he catches us,
we'll never get out of the psyche!
299
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,478
[roars]
300
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:28,355
[screaming]
301
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,650
[shivering]
302
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,068
[grunts]
[can clatters]
303
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:36,738
- Hey Dr. W.,
has anyone ever told you,
304
00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,615
you look just like that girl
from the movies.
305
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,617
- Amy Adams? Rachel McAdams?
- No. No.
306
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,703
- Elizabeth Banks? Emma Stone?
- Nah.
307
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:44,162
- No. Oh, it's Kathy Bates!
308
00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:47,457
- What? Forget it. I've decided
to break you out. To save you.
309
00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:48,542
- But I love it here.
310
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:51,170
I got my Switch, and they let me paint
my accent ceiling any color I want!
311
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:53,589
- [Dr. Weatherstone gasps]
Oh wow, that's fucking classy.
312
00:11:53,589 --> 00:11:56,383
But look, Terry,
you're too special for this place.
313
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,719
Trust me, they are going
to do terrible stuff to you
314
00:11:58,719 --> 00:11:59,636
if you stay here.
315
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:00,637
[whispers]:
Butt stuff.
316
00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:02,014
- [gasps]
But I don't have a butt!
317
00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:03,807
- That's even worse!
Come on!
318
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,268
[alarm blaring]
319
00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:08,145
[engine starts]
320
00:12:08,145 --> 00:12:10,147
MAN ON RADIO: The tunnel is closed
due to a cinematic crash.
321
00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:12,983
There seems to be some sort
of Daylight situation going on.
322
00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:14,860
- Dammit, the tunnel was our way out!
323
00:12:14,860 --> 00:12:16,904
- I don't understand
what's happening right now!
324
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:19,615
♪
325
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,494
- Okay, Sylvester Stallone, I've
got places to be and families to join.
326
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:27,122
This is big boy time, and you
and I are clearly the alpha dogs here.
327
00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:28,916
The main men,
the stinkiest poops.
328
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,167
What's our plan to save the day?
329
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:33,045
- Listen, little blue boy,
go back with the other orphans
330
00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:37,216
and let an 11-time Golden Raspberry
Award-winning actor take care of this.
331
00:12:37,216 --> 00:12:39,927
- Not good enough, Demolition Man,
I need the deets.
332
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,846
- Okay, I promise I will get
all of you out of here alive.
333
00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:45,182
It's not gonna be easy,
some of you will die,
334
00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:46,642
but if we can swim
through the water
335
00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:48,727
without getting eaten
by the tunnel alligators,
336
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:51,688
then as God as my witness,
I will save all of your lives.
337
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,857
Except most of you,
who will probably die.
338
00:12:53,857 --> 00:12:56,109
- Pfft! That sounds super fucking lame.
339
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:59,321
First, tunnel alligators don't exist,
only rats that cook French food.
340
00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:01,365
B, everyone should come with me
'cause I'm an alien,
341
00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,950
I'm a leader,
and I know leader shit.
342
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:05,827
Like, um, heat signatures.
Huh? Huh? That's pretty cool.
343
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,412
Who's impressed?
I know that guy is.
344
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,497
[rumbling]
345
00:13:08,497 --> 00:13:10,582
- We'll go with you.
- Good luck, suckers.
346
00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:12,751
Hope you're not Expendable!
Get it?
347
00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:16,338
♪
348
00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:18,966
[electricity crackling]
349
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:21,510
- Told you this would be way cooler
than whatever Rocky IV is doing.
350
00:13:21,510 --> 00:13:23,345
[metallic creaking]
[all scream]
351
00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:26,974
- You sure this is safe?
- Yeah, man, don't be such a--
352
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,559
[growling]
Holy fuck, tunnel gators!
353
00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:29,768
I knew it! I'll save you!
354
00:13:29,768 --> 00:13:31,728
[men screaming]
355
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:32,855
You guys got this, right?
356
00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:35,524
- No, we don't have it!
Come back!
357
00:13:36,066 --> 00:13:38,026
[Temper Monster growling]
358
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:39,361
[thudding footsteps]
359
00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:44,241
- I think we're lost!
None of this was in the manual!
360
00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:46,952
- Wait, I know what this is.
It's Super Mario 64, right?
361
00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:49,037
- I don't know boomer shit like that!
362
00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:51,540
- Come on, if we wanna get out of here,
we have to jump into the paintings.
363
00:13:51,540 --> 00:13:52,457
- Are you sure?
364
00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:54,585
- I've never been more sure
of anything in my entire life.
365
00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:55,586
[both grunt]
366
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,588
- Stop trying to play the trumpet.
367
00:13:57,588 --> 00:14:00,591
You are going to be a principal.
That's why I named you Principal.
368
00:14:00,591 --> 00:14:04,428
- Oh my god, Principal Cooke's name
is Principal Principal Cooke?
369
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:08,473
[playing off-tune]
370
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,058
- I told you to stop playing!
371
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:13,687
You'll never be as good as Trumpet,
your brother, and he's dead!
372
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:14,730
[slams door]
373
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:17,191
[grunting]
374
00:14:17,191 --> 00:14:19,526
[rumbling]
[screams]
375
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,362
- Keep trying, you piece of shit!
Keep trying!
376
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,864
You've killed everybody else!
377
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:26,325
You know what,
you haven't killed me!
378
00:14:26,325 --> 00:14:28,243
- Mr. Stallone,
who are you talking to?
379
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:30,370
- I actually don't know
who I was talking to.
380
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,290
It's from my best movie,
1996's Daylight.
381
00:14:33,290 --> 00:14:34,082
Have you heard of it?
382
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:38,921
- Uh, maybe you were yelling
at the tunnel itself
383
00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:41,632
because it's kind of
the bad guy character in the movie.
384
00:14:41,632 --> 00:14:45,427
- Exactly! Like how Paris is a character
in London Has Fallen.
385
00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:48,096
Yo! What the hell
are you doing back here?
386
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:50,349
- I saved those other guys
and came back to save all of you
387
00:14:50,349 --> 00:14:52,226
'cause I'm sure Stallone
cocked it all up.
388
00:14:52,226 --> 00:14:54,394
[rumbling]
[Korvo screams]
389
00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:56,480
Fuck!
390
00:14:57,147 --> 00:14:58,607
- Hold on! I'll save you!
391
00:14:58,607 --> 00:14:59,858
- Yeah, hold on!
I'm saving you!
392
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:01,276
- That's literally impossible!
393
00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:03,111
- You're literally impossible!
[grunts]
394
00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:05,072
[Stallone screaming]
395
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,907
- Sly! No!
396
00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:08,909
- You guys saw that.
I tried to save him.
397
00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,202
Th-there was nothing I could do!
398
00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:11,578
I'm the leader now. L-let's go.
399
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:12,538
- Look!
400
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,292
[Stallone grunts]
- That asshole ran off and left me to die!
401
00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:19,086
- Not true. No.
I-I-I went to get help.
402
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,254
[rumbling]
403
00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:22,631
- We have to get out now.
We don't have time for this.
404
00:15:22,631 --> 00:15:25,300
- But we do have time for me
to make a dramatic speech.
405
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,511
When we first met,
406
00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:30,180
we were a bunch of beautiful strangers
thrown together
407
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:31,890
in an impossible situation.
408
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:35,561
But now, we are tunnel brothers
and sisters.
409
00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:38,313
Some of us may have sex with--
410
00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:40,065
Ah!
- That's what I'm talking about!
411
00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:42,317
[rumbling]
412
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:46,071
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
413
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,156
♪
414
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:51,994
♪
415
00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:56,999
♪
416
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:57,791
- Hurr!
417
00:15:57,791 --> 00:16:00,460
[firing]
418
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,212
[screaming]
419
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,594
- [yawns]
Where are we, Kathy Bates?
420
00:16:08,594 --> 00:16:10,721
- No idea. Let's get some food
and get back on the road.
421
00:16:10,721 --> 00:16:12,723
I made contact
with "The Genius Initiative."
422
00:16:12,723 --> 00:16:15,267
They're a secret group
that protects specials like you.
423
00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:17,978
I've thrown away everything
I ever worked for for you, Terry.
424
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,521
I'm going to be with you
the whole time.
425
00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:21,732
I couldn't have my own children
'cause I was kicked in the stomach
426
00:16:21,732 --> 00:16:23,233
by a Budweiser Clydesdale.
427
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,693
I'm gonna be your Mommy now.
428
00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,737
God, I've waited all my life
to say that!
429
00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:28,155
- [yawns]
Whatevs. Let's eat.
430
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:31,158
I got a hankering for a Salisbury Steak
or maybe some Sand Dabs.
431
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:33,368
Definitely in need
of a large glass of scotch.
432
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:36,413
- Wait, what? Scotch? Sand Dabs?
No kid would ever eat that.
433
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:40,209
- BevMo Card, Kleenex, ticket stub
to a Counting Crows concert,
434
00:16:40,209 --> 00:16:42,044
a fucking digital camera!
435
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:43,420
You're not a special kid!
436
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,088
- Doy. I never said I was a kid.
437
00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:47,216
- Holy shit, what have I done?
438
00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:48,008
[grunts]
439
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,094
- What about my Nintendo?
440
00:16:51,094 --> 00:16:52,387
[grunts]
[tires squealing]
441
00:16:52,387 --> 00:16:53,347
Switchy!
442
00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:57,976
- Whoa. Principal Cooke has seen
some darkness.
443
00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,062
Now I kinda like him.
- Me too!
444
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:02,272
All he ever wanted to do
was play the trumpet,
445
00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:05,025
but his Dad was
a big fat piece of shit.
446
00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:07,653
Maybe we were meant to be here.
447
00:17:07,653 --> 00:17:10,572
Maybe today is about seeing people
through their eyes
448
00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:12,324
and not how we perceive them.
449
00:17:12,324 --> 00:17:15,035
Maybe if we help Principal Cooke,
we'll get out alive
450
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:17,788
and with a better understanding
of how a life not lived
451
00:17:17,788 --> 00:17:19,540
can crush a man's soul.
452
00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:21,375
- Okay, that is way too bleak for me.
453
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:23,085
This isn't Bojack Horseman.
454
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,336
[Temper Monster growling]
Oh shit.
455
00:17:24,336 --> 00:17:25,170
We're running out of time!
456
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,631
- This has gotta be it.
Cooke's playroom when he was a kid.
457
00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:30,092
Look, PPC: Principal Principal Cooke.
458
00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:31,093
[growling]
459
00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,182
- There's the Inner Child!
460
00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:41,311
- What the teets?
461
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:44,481
- I think it's an American Boy doll
they released in the '70s.
462
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,149
DOLL: I'm going to find a wife
that will cook and clean
463
00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:48,151
while I'm out screwing
my Brazilian secretary!
464
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:49,486
[thudding footsteps]
[both scream]
465
00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:52,155
[roaring]
466
00:17:56,410 --> 00:17:58,036
COOKE: Did I burn down
the girls' bathroom
467
00:17:58,036 --> 00:17:59,955
making beef stew on my hot plate?
468
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,373
Yes. Yes, I did.
469
00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:03,667
The question we should
really be asking is:
470
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:05,502
was the beef stew good?
471
00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:07,546
No. No, it was not.
472
00:18:07,546 --> 00:18:10,007
- You were told not to cook
at school anymore.
473
00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:13,051
I don't care if beef stew
is my third favorite stew,
474
00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:14,636
I have no choice but to fire--
475
00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:15,304
[babbling]
476
00:18:15,304 --> 00:18:17,222
[moaning]
477
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,975
[grunting]
478
00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:22,436
- This is Cooke's room.
And these are Cooke's toys, right?
479
00:18:22,436 --> 00:18:24,521
If the Temper Monster can control them,
480
00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:26,732
then maybe he is actually
the Inner Child.
481
00:18:26,732 --> 00:18:29,568
- Yes! Cooke must have so much
residual anger and regret
482
00:18:29,568 --> 00:18:31,528
that his child turned
into the monster.
483
00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:33,822
- Of course! The answer is jazz!
484
00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:36,074
- Goddammit! Why is the answer
always fucking jazz?
485
00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:39,578
- Hey, bud. Remember what
you wanted to be.
486
00:18:39,578 --> 00:18:42,539
It's not too late.
You can still be like Trumpet, you know.
487
00:18:43,332 --> 00:18:44,333
- Huh.
488
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:46,084
- Quick, Yum,
what do you know about jazz?
489
00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:47,294
You watched all of Treme.
490
00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,171
- That's just 'cause
I love Steve Zahn.
491
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:52,216
But I think you just make a lot of noises,
and that counts as jazz.
492
00:18:52,216 --> 00:18:54,760
Scrippity-doo-doo, bee-bop!
493
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,553
Scrippity-doo-doo, bee-bop--
494
00:18:56,553 --> 00:19:00,265
- This feels really disrespectful
and borders on cultural misappropriation!
495
00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:01,642
- In this one case, it's okay!
496
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:06,063
[both scatting]
497
00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:10,108
[sighs]
498
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:15,155
- It's working!
- We're getting out of here!
499
00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:17,741
[crying]
500
00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:20,536
- Trumpet!
I miss my dead brother!
501
00:19:20,536 --> 00:19:24,456
It should've been me that died in that vat
of cookie dough at Mrs. Fields!
502
00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:25,958
- Cooke, what's wrong with you?
503
00:19:25,958 --> 00:19:29,837
- I'm sorry, the only way
I can describe it is through jazz!
504
00:19:29,837 --> 00:19:32,422
[scatting]
505
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:42,391
♪ Get it? ♪
506
00:19:45,102 --> 00:19:47,729
[all applauding]
507
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:50,858
- We get it now.
Jazz made us totally get it.
508
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:54,111
- Our work here is done.
BOTH: Ah.
509
00:19:54,111 --> 00:19:56,029
- STACI K: What the fuck
are you doing in our hallway?
510
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:57,656
To the bleachers now!
511
00:19:57,656 --> 00:20:00,242
- Ah, son of a bitch,
it's still Wednesday I guess.
512
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:01,159
[grunts]
513
00:20:02,286 --> 00:20:03,996
♪
514
00:20:03,996 --> 00:20:08,292
♪
515
00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:10,127
- Click.
516
00:20:11,086 --> 00:20:14,673
♪
517
00:20:14,673 --> 00:20:17,259
[indiscernible radio chatter]
518
00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:20,429
- Hey, Korvo. Sorry I roundhouse
kicked you in the head.
519
00:20:20,429 --> 00:20:22,514
I just had to do
what a leader does.
520
00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:25,434
You know, it's moments like this,
moments of crisis,
521
00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:27,978
when you find out who you really are
and where you belong.
522
00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:30,856
- Wow, Sylvester Stallone,
I never thought of it that way.
523
00:20:30,856 --> 00:20:33,609
- I learned that from Dolly Parton
on the set of Rhinestone
524
00:20:33,609 --> 00:20:35,611
when a grip was choking
on an egg roll.
525
00:20:35,611 --> 00:20:37,613
I froze up. But Dolly didn't.
526
00:20:37,613 --> 00:20:39,448
She saved that fat man's life.
527
00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:41,950
That was the moment I realized
she was the star,
528
00:20:41,950 --> 00:20:45,370
and I was not... gonna get a look
at those massive hooters.
529
00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:48,332
Anyway. I'm out.
You need a ride somewhere?
530
00:20:48,332 --> 00:20:51,168
- Yes, I do.
I need to go home to my family.
531
00:20:51,168 --> 00:20:53,253
That's where I belong.
Holy shit.
532
00:20:53,253 --> 00:20:54,838
Is that the truck from Over The Top?
533
00:20:54,838 --> 00:20:57,007
- Yep. I keep everything
from my films.
534
00:20:57,007 --> 00:20:59,968
I got the plans for my escape
from Escape Plan in the cab.
535
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:01,678
You wanna see them?
- Hell fuckin' yes!
536
00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:03,138
Hey, w-will you autograph my neck?
537
00:21:04,389 --> 00:21:05,557
What a day.
538
00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:07,267
You want to know what I learned?
- No one's asking.
539
00:21:07,267 --> 00:21:09,311
- I learned that every story
can't be through your eyes.
540
00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:10,687
You can't always be the star.
541
00:21:10,687 --> 00:21:12,773
Sometimes you have to be
the funny-talking foreigner,
542
00:21:12,773 --> 00:21:14,816
like Rob Schneider in every movie
for a hot second.
543
00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:17,194
- What about Deuce Bigalow?
He was the lead in that one.
544
00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:19,029
- And The Animal.
Oh, and The Hot Chick.
545
00:21:19,029 --> 00:21:20,697
- Man, Schneider had
a lot of swings at the plate.
546
00:21:20,697 --> 00:21:22,157
- He's got star quality!
547
00:21:22,157 --> 00:21:24,117
Look, I've been the lead
in this family for far too long.
548
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:25,244
It's time for someone else.
549
00:21:25,244 --> 00:21:26,995
Terry, this is very hard for me,
550
00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:29,248
we can paint the accent ceiling
whatever you want it to be.
551
00:21:29,248 --> 00:21:30,290
- What's an accent ceiling?
552
00:21:30,290 --> 00:21:33,168
- Wow, Korvo. Yum and I kinda learned
the same thing as you.
553
00:21:33,168 --> 00:21:34,962
- I love it when
a theme comes together!
554
00:21:35,671 --> 00:21:37,548
- Goddammit, Pupa.
What did I tell you about the paint?
555
00:21:37,548 --> 00:21:38,423
- He's a total mess.
556
00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:41,635
- Have you just been sitting around here
all day getting dirty, ya little shit?
557
00:21:41,635 --> 00:21:44,137
- Why are you such a lazy sack
of shit, Pupa? Answer me!
558
00:21:44,137 --> 00:21:47,391
[all shouting]
559
00:21:47,850 --> 00:21:50,102
[thunder rumbling]
560
00:21:50,102 --> 00:21:52,855
- Trumpet, I know
I haven't tooted you in ages.
561
00:21:52,855 --> 00:21:56,900
All my life, I thought I was the one
that should have died in that Mrs. Fields.
562
00:21:56,900 --> 00:22:00,362
But now I realize, no,
you were supposed to die
563
00:22:00,362 --> 00:22:02,531
and I was supposed to live
564
00:22:02,531 --> 00:22:05,367
so I could give the world this!
565
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:05,993
[inhales deeply]
566
00:22:05,993 --> 00:22:07,744
[playing off-tune]
567
00:22:07,744 --> 00:22:08,495
Shit!
568
00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:10,330
[playing off-tune]
569
00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:11,206
Fuck!
570
00:22:11,206 --> 00:22:15,919
[playing off-tune]
571
00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:20,424
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
572
00:22:20,424 --> 00:22:24,928
♪
573
00:23:00,255 --> 00:23:01,757
[mimicking laser fire]
44527
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