All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S03E11.720p.AMZN.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

(MAN GRUNTS)

(ALL GASP)

Peralta, are you eating
an Italian sub for breakfast?

I am, but Amy said
I should eat more veggies,

so I got extra
pepperoncinis.

Smart.

Excuse me.
You need to watch yourself.

I'm sorry. Cop.

(CHUCKLES) All right, let's
everybody just stay calm here.

Or what?

Are you gonna
arrest me for dancing?

You call that dancing?

(CROWD MURMURING)

This is dancing.

What is happening?

I'm defusing the situation.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Whoa! Dancing Captain.

Must capture
image of a lifetime!

Oh! Why is my phone
always dead?

I paid $13 for it.
(CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Don't worry, Jakey.
I got it.

Okay.
Oh!

My hands are covered in butter
from making butter.

I'm on it!

Must record, must record!

Camera on.
All right. Here we go.

HOLT: Dancing over.

Situation defused.

No!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

Who are the real-world Illuminati ?
Find out @ saveanilluminati.com

BOYLE: Jakey!

Hey!

Are you guys
wearing one scarf?

Yep, Charles forgot his
this morning.

It's actually quite romantic.

I think he did it
on purpose.

Uh, let's just say,

I definitely
did it on purpose.

(GIGGLES)
Now, twirl me, darling!

You got it, sweet potato.

I can't get
away from you.

All right,
you guys are adorable.

Tell me everything
the doctor says

about your
uterine climate.

Oh, and also that.

Genevieve and I
have big news.

Is this something other
people would keep private?

Big time!
We're trying to have a baby!

Oh!

Wow! That is awesome.

But wait, Charles,

I thought you were sterile.

I distinctly remember
you using the phrase...

Shooting dust.

Yes, thank you for
not making me say it.

Yeah, it's true
I lost the ability

to procreate
after the accident.

Drop your weapons!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

Yeah, I still don't know
why you dove in crotch-first.

Thankfully, my ex-wife,
Eleanor,

made me get a vasectomy

a year before that.

As a precaution,
I froze some sperm...

A lot of sperm.

Guy going in
after me was like,

"Whoa! Nice!"

Wow! He sounds
like a gross dude.

Yeah.
Should we go into work?

Yes.
Great.

Hey, so do you think maybe

you're rushing into
the whole baby thing?

I mean, you guys have only
been dating three months.

She's the one, Jake.

I'm done with that
playboy lifestyle,

out till 11:00,
drunk on sangria.

I don't want that anymore.

I just want to be a papa.

Okay, yeah,
so, hey, this is awesome.

You're gonna have a baby.

I know! (CHUCKLES)

And you're gonna be
its best friend.

Ah, well,
based on the age diff,

maybe more of
a fun uncle/mentor.

Baby's best friend.

All right, so,
non-negotiable.

DIAZ:
Here's the deal, Steven.

We already got you
on shoplifting.

Now let's talk about
the 200 cloned

credit cards
in your bag.

I'm not saying anything.

Look, punk, there are
two ways we can do this.

The easy way,
or the hard way.

Tell him what
the hard way is, boss.

Well, first, Steven,

we're gonna fill out form
38E-J1, stating noncompliance.

We send it to the DA,

but do they
process it right away?

No, because
they're overwhelmed

because Debra's
on maternity leave.

So your court date won't be
set for six or eight weeks,

and even then, you're gonna have
to block off the whole day,

because they don't
give you a specific time.

No, no,
it's a window.

Sir.

Can I talk to
you for a second?

I thought we were gonna
try to scare him.

There's nothing scarier than the
realities of the municipal court system.

Now, come on,
let's get back in there

and tell him about
how bad the website is.

Look, I'll talk.

Of course you will.

But I'll only talk to her.

You want
to talk to Gina?

Yeah, hi.
Do you sell purple pants?

All right,
well, good day, then.

(JEFFORDS SIGHS)

It's not the turnout
I was hoping for.

Maybe I should've
offered free strudel,

then at least
Scully would've come.

There's free strudel?

Where the hell
did you come from?

I don't get it.

I am shocked
that more people

wouldn't want the tutelage
of our precinct's...

Nay, our city's
most esteemed sergeant.

What do you want,
Santiago?

To learn the majestic
art of self-defense

from our city's...
Nay, our country's...

Come on, man,
out with it!

I want to start class.

Okay, I'm applying
for a mentorship program

for up-and-coming detectives.

It's called "Star Achieving
Mentors, Star Achieving Mentees,"

or SAM-SAM for short.

Would you write me
a recommendation?

Of course I will.
You'd be great.

Thank you, Sarge.

All right, everyone.

Pay attention.

Santiago, I'm gonna come at you,
and you're gonna take me down.

You better
impress me if you want

that recommendation
to be good.

I'm gonna try, Sarge.
(CHUCKLES)

All right, here we go.

(SCREAMS)

No, no!
My nose!

My nose! You broke my nose!

Oh, there's so much blood!

I'm so sorry!

Get me a towel!
Okay, all right.

And that's what you get
for lying about free strudel.

Karma's a bitch.

Get out of here, Scully!

Case closed, justice served.

Peralta amazing... Oh, God.

No, no...

Charles, Charles!

Your ex-wife is here.

Eleanor?

The destroyer of worlds?

Why?
Maybe it's nothing bad.

Maybe some of your mail
got sent to her house.

Oh, God, I hope not.

If that happened,
she would be livid.

Oh, well, just don't assume the worst.
That's all I'm saying.

Then why did you
bring up the mail thing?

I don't...

Hello, Chunk.

Heard you want your sperm.

You're gonna have
to go through me.

Oh, no, this is way worse
than the mail thing.

What mail thing?
Nothing. There's no mail thing.

There's no mail thing.
But it's my sperm.

How did you even
find out I wanted it?

Because the account's
under my name.

Storage facility
called me saying that

you were looking
to make a withdrawal.

So I went ahead
and withdrew it for you.

(WHISPERS)
I have all of your sperm.

But you don't even
care about it, Eleanor.

I mean, remember?

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Oh, hey, Charles,
I'll never have a baby with you

"because I don't love you, and
a child's not gonna fix that!"

Oof. When he started
doing the silly voice,

I thought it was gonna
be more fun, but wasn't.

Well, I do not want your DNA.
I want something else.

I hit some dumbass
with my car.

Now he's suing me.

What I want is
for you to use your badge

and your gun to intimidate
him into dropping the case.

Wow, that is so
very illegal.

He's not doing that.

I don't care.

You have 48 hours
to do so,

or I'm gonna take your sperm,

and I'm gonna dump it
into the East River.

(NORMAL VOICE)
Please don't do that.

And there will
never be the possibility

of a little pie-faced
Charles Boyle Jr.

Proud of it, it's me.

She can't do that.
Can she do that?

Stay calm.

We're gonna talk to a lawyer and
get a professional opinion.

Damn.

I can't believe
you signed this contract.

The sperm is her
legal possession.

It also says that she,
and I quote,

"Owns your dignity."

You initialed
right next to that.

Oh, no, Jake,
this is a total disaster!

I'll never be
happy in my life.

Why are you smiling?

Because this is exactly
what we've trained for.

It's a hostage situation,

and we're gonna
bring your boys home.

All right, Charles, I know
that you're freaking out

and you think you're
never gonna be a father,

but don't worry,
there's no way

I'm gonna let Eleanor do
anything to your precious...

Boyle oil?
Ugh. All right, I'm out.

She can do what she wants.
No, no, no.

We'll just
call them hostages.

All right, fine,
let's get to work.

Here's what we know
about Eleanor.

Oh, my wedding day.

I should've known
it was a mistake

when she said, "I suppose,"
instead of, "I do."

Yowch. All right.

Hostage taker,
Eleanor Horstweil.

Age, 42.
Occupation, bank manager.

No priors.
Clean bill of health.

Current husband,
Hercules Thikalonos.

Don't bring him into it.
We're actually quite close.

Noted.
You divorced in 2010.

She got the house,
both cars,

and 85% of your
salary going forward.

That's a typo, right?

It is not.
How did she get so much?

My lawyer was Hercules.
That's how they met.

That seems real unethical.

Again, lay off Hercules.
He's quite a decent man.

All right, look, we need some
sort of bargaining chip.

Is there anything you got in
the divorce that she wanted?

Yes. Abigail.

I'm gonna just assume Abigail's
something super weird.

Nope. She was
our hairdresser.

Okay.

It was awkward for her to see both
of us, so she made us choose.

I mean,
I couldn't get rid of her.

She's the only stylist
in New York that can do this.

Right, and do you think
Eleanor still wants Abigail?

I mean,
you saw her hair today.

(LAUGHS)
It's all volume, no sheen.

(LAUGHS) Okay,
maybe we can use this.

Time to put on
our negotiation faces.

Not too intimidating
but always in control.

How's this? (INHALES DEEPLY)

Oh, as if you don't
know it's perfect.

Hey, Sergeant.

How are you?

Well, my baby cries
at the sight

of my face now,
so that's great.

I mean, she's a baby,

she could be crying
at anything. (CHUCKLES)

Nope, she pointed right
at my nose and then threw up.

What do
you want, Santiago?

I was just wondering
if you finished

writing that
recommendation letter.

It's due pretty soon.

I'm working on it.

It's taking a little while because
it's hard to concentrate,

what with all the agony.

Okay, well, thank you
for still doing it.

If it helps, I brought you
some soothing ginger tea.

Will it repair the place where
my nose came off my skull?

I don't know,

but it's supposed to
have healing vapors.

So try inhaling it?

Oh, thank you.

(SCREAMING) It burns!
The vapors burn!

SANTIAGO: I'm sorry! I'll take it back!
(SCREAMS)

Oh, God, I'm sorry!
I'll get some cold water!

No, no, don't.

I am petrified of you!

All right, remember,
this is a negotiation.

We can't let her know
how badly you want this.

Jake, what if she
destroys the sperm?

She's not gonna
do that, Charles,

because then
she'd have no leverage.

All right, you know this,
they never shoot the hostage.

ELEANOR: Hey!

Did you threaten that
90-year-old man for me yet?

What? The guy
you hit was 90?

Yeah, and you would know that
if you had talked to him,

which obviously
you did not, so good-bye!

PERALTA: No, no,
wait, wait, look.

We can't help you out
until we know that

you actually have
the samples.

We need proof of life.

I'd be happy to dump one of the
containers out of the window.

No, no, no,
don't do that, please!

Don't dump my sperm on us!

Hello, ma'am.
Top of the morning to you.

(CLEARS THROAT) All right,
look, if you let us upstairs,

we'll give you Abigail.

I'll buzz you in.

And that is how it's done.

Like taking candy
from a baby.

Why would you
bring up babies right now?

It's a saying.

Who would do that?

The question is, why would
someone want to talk to Gina?

That's very rude.

It's obvious why
the guy wants to talk to

a civilian like her,
he's stalling.

That's also rude.

Maybe he wants to
talk to a normal person

instead of two rude cops.

Well, whatever his reason,
we have no other choice.

Gina, take his statement.

Yes, thank you!

I'm gonna get
this guy to admit

to crimes he
hasn't even committed.

No, that would be
a huge problem.

Copy that.

We'll get you a file on him
so you can study up.

That won't be necessary.
I'm gonna go with my gut.

He asked for Gina.

Let's give the people
what they want.

(DOOR OPENS)

Steven, Steven, Steven.

You mind if I take a seat?
Go for it.

Oh, boy.

Look, I'm not a cop.

I don't really like cops.

Honestly, I think
crime's kind of cool.

Okay.

Yeah, you get it.

Are we still holding out hope
that this might work?

I am.
Let's give her a shot.

I feel like you and me
are really bonding.

I'm ready to
give you immunity.

HOLT: No, you're not.
That's not happening!

Gina, come out of there.

Negative.

The guy wanted to talk to
a real person, not a cop.

That's why
he asked for me.

Actually, I asked for you

because we went
to high school together.

What?
Steven Henderson.

We had a bunch
of classes together.

Steven Henderson.
We made out once on the bus.

I mean...
Do you not remember me?

Uh...

Eleanor.
Jake.

Charles.

Okay, you just said
your own name, bud.

It was the only one left.

Okay, so we have
given you Abigail.

Now it's time for you to make
good on your side of the deal,

and, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

show us Charles' sperm.

It's my sperm.

It's in the freezer.

I'll be right back.

Are you sure you
know what you're doing?

Abigail was our
only bargaining chip.

Don't worry.
I have a plan.

As soon as she
comes back in here,

I'm gonna grab that cup
right out of her hands

and run like hell.
You think that'll work?

I don't just
think it will.

I know it might.

Here it is. Cold and sad.
Just like you.

How do I know that
that's really Charles'?

I'm gonna have to
read the label up close.

If I could just
take a look... (LAUGHS)

Go, Boyle!
(BOYLE SHOUTS)

You really think
I'm that stupid?

It's called
a dummy cup, dummies.

Damn it.
She's right, it's empty.

I'm actually kind of relieved.
I did not want to see that.

You two are messing
with the wrong woman.

And now you're
gonna pay for it.

Wait, wait!
Eleanor, Eleanor!

There are two
real containers.

One is in
a safe location,

and this is the other one.

Or rather,
it was the other one.

No!
(GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING)

She shot a hostage.

Charles, what are you doing?

I'm sorry, but I
don't have a choice, Jake.

I'm gonna go bully an old priest
so I can get my sperms back.

He's a priest?

Yeah, I looked him up.

He's a priest,
a 90-year-old priest.

But don't worry.
I'm not gonna hurt him.

I'm just gonna
casually yawn...

Thereby exposing
my gun and badge.

Listen, you can't do this,
Charles, it's illegal.

I have to. You saw what Eleanor
did to millions of my babies.

I heard them scream!

That was you.

I am them, and they are me.

You could go
to prison, okay?

You're right. You're right.

What am I thinking?

Thank you for
looking out for me.

Yeah.
Friend.

No! What...

Charles, what are
you doing?

No, no, no!
Not the keys, no!

Oh, I should've known.

You're a hugger,
not a shaker.

BOYLE: It was the most painful
thing I've ever done,

and I've taken three of my
grandparents off life support.

How are you always
in charge of that?

Wait, Charles,
do not get in that car!

He's getting in the car.
Sorry.

Don't you drive away!
(ENGINE STARTING)

He's driving away.
(TIRES SCREECHING)

Charles!

(COMPUTER BEEPS)
(GASPS)

I just got
an email from SAM-SAM.

Rejected?

I've never been
rejected from anything.

Me neither.

Oops. Did you say
rejected or ejected?

I've been rejected a lot.

I don't understand.

My application was so good.

You know what?
I've also been ejected.

Flume ride, Topeka, Kansas.

How did this happen?

Just forgot to
put on the belt.

Jeffords.

Good talk, Ames.

You wrote me a bad recommendation.
How could you?

Excuse me?

It's the only explanation!

You're mad that I broke your face
and I burned your whole body.

Well, grow up!

Grow up?

I have a Roth IRA!

I eat wheat toast!
You grow up!

You know what?

Here's the letter
that I sent.

"Amy Santiago is one
of the finest detectives

"in my precinct...
Nay, the entire NYPD."

Yeah, I even used
the word "nay."

The idea that you would
question my integrity is so...

Uh-oh.

I got to sneeze.
This is gonna hurt!

Oh, God.

(SNEEZING)

(JEFFORDS GROANS)

Oh, Hitchcock, thank God!

Handcuffed yourself
to a car? Been there.

What? No, Charles did this.

Here, quick,
hand me those keys.

Here we go.

What will you
give me for them?

Seriously?
What do you want?

A dollar for a soda,
mine are all wet.

Yes, obviously, I'll give you that!
Bam!

A soda only costs
75 cents, you fool.

See you later, sucker!

Didn't even
give him the dollar.

I know it seems
like I blew it,

but you got to give me
another crack at him.

Now that I'm aware
of our fascinating past,

I have all
the ammo that I need.

Perhaps you would've
had that ammo

if you had read
the file Diaz offered you.

No doubt.
No doubt. Gina culpa.

Okay, you get
one more chance.

I will not let you down.

Steven, Steven, Steven,
I have one question.

Who on the basketball
team was into me?

I want names.

What?
(BANGS ON TABLE)

We don't have time
to play games, Steven.

That's it. I'm pulling her.

No, no, let her keep going.

GINA: Question two.

Who on the lacrosse
team is into me,

and which one of
them aged the best?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR STEREO)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
In 4,000 feet, stay straight.

You interrupted
the song for that?

(ROCK MUSIC RESUMES)

Hello.

Father, I understand
you were recently involved

in an automobile accident
with an Eleanor Horstweil.

Oh, yes, uh, she came up
onto the sidewalk

and fractured my hip.

You were a pedestrian?

Are you technically
a pedestrian

if you're sitting
on a bench?

Sitting on a bench.

Well, okay,
I don't want to tell you

to drop your suit
against her,

but I sure
am getting sleepy.

Excuse me?

Yawns a-coming.

(YAWNING)

(GROANING)

I got you.
Hi, there. I'm Jake.

This is my
best friend, Charles.

He's trying to have a baby.
You get it.

Now, come here, you.

(PERALTA GRUNTS)

Charles, I know
you're mad,

but you have to
talk to me.

It's funny how
getting tased in the back

can break your heart

and also really
hurt your back.

I'm sorry.

I really wanted to be a papa,
and you ruined it.

You pop-blocked me.

I know, but I couldn't
let you break the law.

And I won't let Eleanor
turn you into a bad person.

What other choice
do I have?

There's always
a choice, Charles.

And by the way,
DNA is not the only thing

that makes
somebody into a father.

I mean, not that
it's any of my business,

but I have a biological
father, and he's a nightmare.

He never played
catch with me.

He never taught me
how to ride a bike.

I had to learn how to shave
from watching Home Alone.

Makes sense,
it's like Die Hard for kids.

Plus, is this how you
really want it to go?

Eleanor controlling your
life, ruining your career?

So what do I do?

Honestly, I don't know.

But I do know that
you're gonna be a great dad

with or without your...

Boyle oil.

Nope, not gonna say it.
Oh.

But you will.

There's still time left
on Eleanor's deadline.

I'm gonna unlock
this door.

You do what
you got to do.

(DOOR BUZZES)

That seems like a bad sign.

Hey, Santiago,

you know why you
didn't get into SAM-SAM?

Probably because I used a modern
format on my cover letter

that put my email
above my home address.

Why take such a risk?

No, I sent the
recommendation letter

to the wrong place.

I thought you were applying
to be a mentor, not a mentee.

You thought I wanted to be
a SAM, not a SAM?

Are you insane?

Well, you should be a SAM.

No, I should be a SAM.

We got to start saying
something other than SAM

because we are barreling
toward a misunderstanding.

Amy, you are ready
to be teaching others.

I made a call,
you're going to be a mentor.

Oh, my God.

Sergeant, I'm so sorry for ever
questioning your integrity.

Thank you so much...

No, no, no, stand back.

Look, I'm still very
scared of you.

Good news.
I got Steven to talk.

Diaz, fantastic.
How did you do it?

Did you finally show him
the municipal court website

and the pull-down menus
you can't click on?

No, I found
something we bonded over.

She didn't
even know who I was.

And we were good friends.

On more than one occasion,
she's called me Gina.

That's her own name.

No, she didn't.

We complained
about Gina for an hour,

and then he opened up.

Gave me the name of
the guy he works for.

I have never been so insulted
in my entire life.

I'm not gonna work cases
for you guys anymore.

We were never
going to ask you to.

(LAUGHS)

You just lost
your best detective.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Charles, thank God.
What happened?

I did it.
Did what?

I'm freaking out over here,
you stormed off.

Yeah, because I was
inspired by you.

I ran all the way to Eleanor's
house to tell her off.

What do you want, Chunk?

To let you know
you can keep my sperm.

I don't need it.

I'm in love
and I'm going to be a dad,

and there's nothing
you could do to stop me.

So, good-bye forever.

Oh, and one more thing.

Tell Hercules I'll see him
at spin class on Sunday.

Now good-bye!

How do you guys feel?
Great.

We were looking at possible
donors on the way over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Check out this guy.

I like him, he went to Yale.

Oh, wait, that says Yeal University.
Swipe him off.

This is fun.
That's weird.

That guy kind of
looks like my dad.

Wait a minute.
That is my dad.

You cannot use his sperm.

You cannot use his sperm.

My son would be
your brother!

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

Who are the real-world Illuminati ?
Find out @ saveanilluminati.com