All language subtitles for The.Orville.S01E09.WEBRip.x264-ION10

(Journey's "Any Way You Want It"
playing)

♪

♪ All night, all night

♪ Oh, every night

♪ So hold tight

♪ Hold tight

♪ Ooh, baby, hold tight

♪ She said any way you want it

♪ That's the way you need it

♪ Any way you want it

♪ She said any way you want it

♪ That's the way you need it

♪ Any way you want it.

-(applause, whooping)
-(laughs)

Commander Grayson, everybody.

Come on,
how terrific is she, huh?

That's just great.
All right, coming up next,

we have
Lieutenant Commander Bortus.

-Where is Bortus?
-I am Bortus.

JOHN:
W-W-W-Wai-Wait.

You actually sing?

Well, get on up here, big guy.

Let's show everybody
what you can do.

-Good luck.
-Come on! -Yeah! -Whoo!

(whooping)

Lieutenant Malloy
taught me this song.

I will now sing it.

(Celine Dion's
"My Heart Will Go On" begins)

-Yeah!
-(cheering)

You will be silent!

♪

Is this... is this happening?

I-I...

(intro continues)

-(electronic beep) -MAN
(over comm): Bridge to Captain.

We're receiving
a high-priority message

from Admiral Halsey
at Union Central.

(sighs):
Send it to the briefing room.

I'm sorry to interrupt you
during your off hours.

No, no. Your timing
was actually perfect.

Are you familiar with
the Navarian-Bruidian conflict?

Over Lopovius? Sure.

You might have
to refresh my memory.

They're two races
who have been fighting over

the planet Lopovius forever.

They each say
they colonized it first.

They've got some bloody history,

and they're
on the brink of war again--

which would be a disaster,
because they're

right on the border
of Union space, and you can bet

-they'll drag their allies
into it. -How can we help?

An ancient artifact
has been discovered on Lopovius.

The Bruidians and Navarians

have agreed to allow it
to be examined for residual DNA

by a neutral
Union archaeologist.

If either species'
DNA signature is found,

that race can lay claim
to the planet.

I got to say,
that sounds kind of shaky.

Do we really think the loser
will honor the agreement?

I'm skeptical, too,
but that's what they say.

They've agreed
to have the Orville host

while they await the results.

The artifact is currently
aboard the USS Olympia.

You will rendezvous with her
in orbit of Lopovius,

where you'll take on board
a forensic archaeologist

who will perform the tests.

And the Navarians and Bruidians

are each going to send
an ambassador and staff.

Pretty combustible scenario.

They loathe each other,
so be very careful.

But that being said,
as long as they're there,

we'd love you to take one last
run at informal peace talks.

The best option would be
if they could share Lopovius.

Well, we'll do our best.

(sighs):
I know you will.

♪

What about accommodations?

Remember, these guys
hate each other.

I can put them on C and G decks
on opposite sides of the ship,

which should lower the risk

-of them running into each other
unsupervised. -Perfect.

All right, let's
try not to screw this up.

Gordon, set a course
for Lopovius, and engage

-quantum drive.
-Aye, sir.

♪

Hard to believe
that little planet

is the cause
of so much conflict.

Shuttle bay reports the
archaeologist is arriving now.

All right, let 'em know we're
on our way. What's his name?

ALARA: They're sending
a personnel file.

-I'll let you know as soon as I
have it. -Send it to our comms.

Aye, sir.

(gasps softly)

Oh, my God.

What is the matter?

Aw...

♪

Ensign Brooks,
put a hold on the shuttle.

The shuttle just docked.

(quietly):
Crap.

It's Darulio.

The guy she cheated with?

The one with the stuff
coming out of his head?

-How did you know about that?
-You told me.

Oh. Yeah.

Uh...

That's him.

That's our
forensic archaeologist.

♪

Oh, my God.

I can't believe this.
How-how is this happening?

Yeah, I know. Awkward situation.

I am so sorry.

Look, I've been digging
on Lopovius

for the past six months.

I just heard
on the way over here

it was gonna be you guys.

If I'd have had more time,
I would have recused myself.

Well, I'm sorry
you didn't have more time.

Look, Ed...

Can I call you Ed? I...
We've never actually met.

Well, you were screwing my wife
at the time,

so I guess we all kind of
just forgot our manners.

Oh, for God's sakes,
don't make this worse.

No, no, no, Kel, it's fine.

He's entitled to his feelings

and the space to express them.

Look, can I just
cut through some of this?

I think we can all agree

that the end
of the bloodshed on Lopovius

would be a wonderful thing.

And I think... that's bigger
than the three of us.

I'm just saying...

I'm here to work.

What about you guys?

(Ed takes deep breath)

Fine.

(smacks lips)
Hey, hey, guys.

Alara, show Darulio here
to his stupid lab.

-(presses button repeatedly)
-Ed?

-Were you just trying to shut
the doors? -No, I was not.

I know what you're thinking, but
don't you even put this on me.

(chuckles): I cannot believe
you slept with that guy,

-I really can't.
-Here we go. Is me apologizing

for the 900th time
somehow gonna make a difference?

Did you hear
what he said just now?

He goes, he goes:
I am entitled to my feelings

and the space to express them.

My God, thank you
for lighting me on fire

and then giving me permission
to be in pain.

You know what? I really
don't like your tone right now.

Oh, I'm sorry, Kel,
are you uncomfortable? Are you?

Well, you know what you
should do? You should...

(door whooshes open)

(chuckles):
Whoa. Top brass alert.

Captain. Commander.

-What's up?
-Hello.

(Ed sighs)

We should get some music
in these elevators, huh?

A little soundtrack
to our lives.

What do you think?

Yeah. We'll look into it.

Sweetness.

You know, I got some playlists
I could send you.

Oh, yeah, it closes for you.

What do you want to do, Ed?

Is-is there anything to do?

Is there another
forensic archaeologist

specializing
in ancient Lopovian pottery

in this star system
who you haven't had sex with?

No? Then I'll be fine.

Yeah. You seem fine.

(door whooshes open)

Your quarters are
right next to the lab.

There's a food synthesizer in
there, and there are lab techs

standing by
if you need anything.

Amazing.

So... you know Kelly and Ed?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Did you guys, like,
go to school together...?

Oh! Oh, man!
I am so sorry!

No, no, it's my fault.
I'm an idiot.

Yaphit, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. It's all good.

What is all this stuff?

It's nothing. Just some stuff.

-Uh, hey, can I get
that back, please? -Hmm?

Oh. I'm... so sorry.

-Uh...
-Just put it anywhere, guy.

(chuckles): You don't have
to find my G-spot.

There you go. Nice work.

Okay, I'll see you guys later.

And we're done
with all of his shots.

-What a brave little guy you
are, Topa. -Thank you, Dr. Finn.

Bortus, will you be home
for dinner?

I have already told you,

we have an important
diplomatic assignment--

-I must work late.
-Very well.

We will just spend
another night by ourselves.

-(Topa fussing)
-(Bortus sighs)

-You guys having a rough time?
-All we do is fight.

Klyden will not stop eating,
the child never sleeps,

and we have not resumed
normal... relations.

Why do people have babies?

Well, the first year's tough.

You guys'll find a rhythm.

(sighs)

Excuse me.
I hope I'm not interrupting.

-Oh, my God.
-Dr. Claire Finn,

-these are for you.
-Yaphit, I'm extremely busy.

Look, I'm gonna go for broke--
I'm here to ask you out

to dinner, and I'm not
gonna take no for an answer.

Then we have a problem--

because "no" is the only answer
I have for you.

Well, let's see
if you still feel that way

in five minutes.

♪ Hey, little girl

♪ I wanna be your boyfriend

♪ Sweet little girl

-Yaphit.
-♪ I wanna be your boyfriend

Yaphit, stop it right now.

This is a medical facility,
and you are

-way out of line. -Look,
just give me a chance, huh?

I really care about you.

I see how warm you are.

I see what a good mother you are
to those awful boys.

I see how smart and funny
and wise you are.

And I...

I love you.
Okay? I love you.

Yaphit, the answer is no.

Look, you've been coming in here
for months pulling this crap.

If it happens again,
I'm gonna submit

a formal complaint.
Now go!

All right.

I had to give it my best shot.

I won't bug you again.

(sniffs)

Oh, hey.

Hey.

-I just wanted to check in
and see how it's going. -Oh.

Really well so far.

The detail in these carvings
is really something.

When do you think
you might have some information?

Well, these scans will have
to be analyzed,

and if we find any residual DNA,

that'll have
to be cross-referenced

against present-day samples
of both species, so... few days?

Sounds good.

You didn't have
to come all the way down here

just to get a status update.

(sighs)

Okay, um...
I do have something to say.

I really regret
what happened between us,

and it's never
gonna happen again.

I've put a lot of time

into rebuilding my relationship
with Ed.

Oh, you two are back together?

No. Oh, God, no.

He would never trust me
in that way again.

I meant as professionals.

I just want to make it clear.

Wha... Wha-What are you doing?

You just had a stray hair.

Oh.

Thanks.

What's... different?

-You look great.
-I gave up sugar.

And I'm doing an hour
of headstand meditation a day.

-Really?
-Mm.

You can totally tell.

I mean, the whites of your eyes
are, like, super white.

Really makes your skin pop.

Oh, thanks.
It's all circulation, yeah.

And it really helps
with everything.

Mental focus, clarity,
you know, muscle tone.

Sex drive.

Yeah?

Oh, God, you know,
it is just so hard

to take care of yourself
on the ship.

It's, like,
where's the me time, you know?

Where is the you time?

Captain,
the Bruidians have arrived,

and the Navarians
are approaching.

However,
the shuttle bay is reporting

there is no one there
to receive them.

Kelly's supposed
to be down there. Where is she?

Internal scan shows her
in her quarters.

What the hell?

(door chimes)

(sighs)

Kel?

(Kelly laughs)

Kelly, the Bruidian ambassadors

-are here, and there...
-(Kelly gasps)

Oh, no.

I...

(sighs)

Ed, hang on.
I can explain.

I don't need it explained.
You're a sexual jihadist!

Lower your voice and calm down,
okay? I can explain.

Oh, am I yelling? Am I yelling?

Are you worried people are gonna
hear that you banged Darulio

again when you were supposed
to be in the shuttle bay

preventing a war from starting?
Are you insane?!

Look, I thought
we talked about this, okay.

We can both see whoever we want,
isn't that what we agreed?

Oh, come on.
You're not gonna pretend

that that is not
completely out of bounds?

I like him, Ed, okay?
I can't help it.

And guess what.
I have the right to like

-whoever I want.
-Oh, come on. You're not...

Whoa! We all have
to stop meeting like this.

(Ed sighs)

(beeps)

(Kelly sighs)

So, did you have a chance
to talk to anyone

about getting music
in these elevators?

You know what, Dann? Why don't
you make that your project, huh?

Why-why don't you look
into that?

Will do, Cap'n.

(elevator whirs to a stop,
doors whoosh open)

You are all barbarians!

The planet is ours,

and your colonies are
a blatantly hostile incursion!

ED:
What's going on?

They went from zero to furious
in two seconds.

And that's your justification

for the killing
of innocent civilians?!

What are we supposed to do

when you attack our supply lines
in order to starve us out?!

Starvation would be too noble
a death for your kind.

-(snarls) -Hey! No!
-ED: Oh, hey, hey, hey, guys!

Guys, guys, relax, okay?

Just take a breath, all right?

I know traveling's a bitch,
but calm down.

We're gonna get you all
to your rooms and squared away.

Bruidians, we have salt water
for bathing in your quarters.

Navarians, we've programmed
our food synthesizers to serve

Cavellian Spiceroot for dinner.

Thank you, Captain.

Very thoughtful.

Now, look,
I know you've both agreed

to honor the results
of the archaeological tests,

but that means
one of you loses big.

So here's what I'm proposing.

Why don't we meet tomorrow
and just talk,

see if maybe there's a way
for you both

to peacefully share the planet,

just so we can say we tried?

(Bruidian ambassador sighs)

Fine.

Agreed.

Look at that. We're making
progress already. Terrific.

All right,
so why don't you guys head

to your rooms,
relax, have a drink?

Uh, minibar's on the house, so

go bananas on those M&M'S, huh?

All right.

Okay, so what happened exactly?

I don't know.
I went to the lab

to tell him there was
nothing between us anymore,

but then
I looked into his eyes, and...

I guess I forgot
how gorgeous he is.

Gorgeous? Really?

Those aqua blue eyes against
that deep blue skin?

Ridiculous.

My mom redid our bathroom
in those colors.

-I guess it's nice.
-Chardonnay.

He has this magnetism.

And then, the next thing I knew,
we're back in my quarters.

-Wow.
-It's just...

(sighs)
It's hard to explain.

It's like a drug.

Was it like that with Ed?

Totally different.

Ed's the kind of guy
you could send out

-for tampons and bagels.
-Hmm.

And he always made me laugh.

That sounds nice.

Yeah, sure, but Darulio...

It's just this super intense
sexual desire,

and this rush
every time I see him.

He's all I can think about.

So much so that you forgot about
the arrival of the delegates.

Oh, it's fine.
It all worked out.

You know, I think the first time
around with Darulio,

all I could think about was
how badly I messed up with Ed.

And maybe
I was so busy feeling guilty

that I missed something.

Missed what?

That I'm in love with him.

Darulio's the one.

He's my soul mate.

Should I get bangs?

How the hell
could she do this again?

How-how is this happening?

Yeah, it's not ideal,
but, I mean,

it's not like you and Kelly
are still together, so,

-technically, she didn't even...
-No, Gordon.

We're not together
because of that guy, okay?

There is no way to spin this

where her judgment is not
completely off the damn scale.

Okay, well, you know what?

Maybe just focus
on the peace talks, huh?

That's a good distraction,
right?

No. You know what?
I'm firing that guy.

We'll get a new archaeologist.
It'll be a minor delay.

But he is gone.
Darulio is gone.

Pack up your crap. You're fired.

What?

You're gone.
Right now.

What you did was
beyond unprofessional.

It's your ship.

I don't want
to cause any trouble.

You don't want any trouble.
That is...

-(laughing): My God, that is
hilarious. -Well, it's too bad,

because we're really making
some progress here.

You-you want
to see something cool?

Do I want
to see something cool?

Have you heard anything
I just said?

Yes, I heard all of it.

And you're absolutely right
to be angry.

I-I have no excuse,
other than the fact

that I come from a culture

where it is considered rude
to turn down sex.

But if you want to kick me out,
I totally get it.

But I'd love to show you
something first.

Come have a look.

(Ed sighs)

What? What am I looking at?

Ancient DNA.
Maybe 30,000 years old.

Is it Bruidian or Navarian?

Incomplete. I need
to do some computer analysis

to see if there are any markers.

Well, how was it preserved?

This artifact?

Turns out
it's a birthing bucket.

The DNA was found

in the remnants of placenta
recovered from inside of it.

You're kidding.

We should know whether

there are any genetic markers
in 36 hours.

Well, good. Hopefully,
that'll give us some time

to broker some peace.

So, I should just...

give my notes to the next
archaeologist. Is that cool?

You know, um,
what'd you say, 36 hours?

-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah.

Why don't you just stay,
you know?

I mean, it's... We can work
through this like adults.

For the sake of the peace.

If that's what
you're comfortable with.

Do you, um...

Do you maybe want
to get a drink later?

Like, we could meet
in the mess hall, you know.

Something like that.
Just, no-nothing crazy.

-Just-just a drink.
-Just totally cazh?

Yeah, just totally,
whatever, you know.

-8:00?
-Love it.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Groov-ay.
(laughs)

Why did I...? I don't-- I don't
know why I just said that.

Groov-ay. I...
I've never said that before

in my life.
That's not how I talk.

I don't say those things.
That's...

(laughs, groans)

-I'll see you there.
-Yeah.

(door chimes)

Claire?

I got off early today.

Can I come in?

I'm gonna give that a big yes.

So... this is your place.

This is it.
This is where the magic happens.

-What's that?
-Oh, well, that's my bed.

Here, I'll show you.

Ah, it's nice
just to be able to spread out

at the end of a long shift.

(giggles) Tickles.

And what is this?

-Is this you and your mom?
-Kind of.

My species reproduces
by mitosis.

That used to be my mom,

but now it's me and my brother.

He got the looks, obviously.

Yaphit.

Yeah?

Do you want to kiss me?

What? I, uh...

Yeah, totally.

I'd like that a lot.

Oh.

What, uh...

what made you change your mind?

Forget about that.

Where do we go from here?

Want to go for a swim?

(inhales)

-(door chimes)
-Come in.

Hi. What's up?

Oh, hey. Glad you're here.
I want to show you something.

Hey, how did it go with Darulio?
Did you send him packing?

Oh, you know, it turns out
he's almost done with his work,

so I just figured might as well
leave it, you know?

Really? I mean,
y-you seemed pretty pissed.

Yeah, you know,
we got to talking,

and it turns out
he's a pretty cool guy.

Like, really cool, actually.

We're having drinks
in a half hour.

You're... meeting for drinks.

Yeah. I mean, it's just...

just drinks, you know.
It's no big deal.

It's not like we're getting
married or anything. (laughs)

What?

-Check this out.
-Wait,

are-aren't you supposed
to be mediating the peace talks?

What do you think?

You're gonna wear that
to drinks?

-You hate it.
-Very much so, yes.

God, you know, I just... I want
to show some personal style.

You know?
Darulio has such great style,

and I just want to step up
to that level.

You seem like
you're really into him.

Not into him.

Okay.

But, it's like, what if I was?

You know, what if I was?
Why couldn't I be?

Hey, you can be
whatever you want, man.

I just want you to be happy.

I just didn't know you were...

I'm not into him, okay?

But it's like,
why do we have to be so rigid?

You know, why do we have to have
all these rules

and labels and things?

It's like, why-why do we have
to put people in boxes?

You know?
Why-why even call a box a box?

I think it's just easier
to have words.

Easier for who? Not the box.

Maybe the box
wants to do its own thing.

You ever think of that?

Okay, I'm-I'm confused.

Do you want to bang Darulio?

Bang, be banged, but why you
so hung up on labels, man?

You know what?
You're the problem.

You are the problem.

You know what, instead
of frantically labeling people

all day long, why don't you
take a look in the mirror? Huh?

Do that for a change.

God, you should be happy for me.

I don't... Wait.
What time is it? Oh, my God.

I'm late.
Listen, you gonna be up later?

'Cause I'm gonna give you
a call. All right?

Talk to you soon.

(door whooshes open and shut)

I'm telling you,
she's acting really weird.

It's like
she's not even herself.

Could be drugs.

-Our first officer
is not on drugs. -Uh, wake up.

This whole ship's on drugs.

Excuse me. I would like to know

when we can expect the results

of the tests on the artifact.

They should be available soon.

Neither your captain
nor your first officer

have responded to my messages.

Is it your custom
to ignore your guests?

There's Captain Mercer now.

I'm sure he can give you
any updates you may need.

Captain, I have been trying
to reach you for two hours.

My people are becoming restless.

Look, just hang tight.
We'll have some info soon.

The Bruidians
are openly hostile to us.

We do not wish to remain
on the same vessel with them

-any longer than we must.
-Look, just relax.

Okay? We'll have
this whole thing sorted out

-in no time. Excuse me.
-(stammers)

Hey.

Hmm. So, I'm standing

-in this huge line
for the bathroom... -Hey there.

Hey. Have a seat.
Kelly's just in the middle

-of telling a story.
-Oh.

-Great.
-Anyway,

so I overhear

my Interspecies Diplomacy
professor bragging

to a bunch of people
about how he thought I wanted

-to hook up with him, and...
-With Professor Fincher?

-Yes! The same.
-What?

Such a scumbag, right?

-So, then I walk up to him....
-Yeah, yeah.

You pushed him in the pool. She
pushed him in the pool. Revenge!

Girl power! Yay! Oh, my God.

I've heard this story,
like, a thousand times.

So, how was the rest
of your day?

Ed, what are you doing here?

Darulio and I made plans
to have a drink,

so that's starting now.

Our drink plan.

-Well, why don't we just all
have a drink, then? -Sure.

Well, actually, we had some
stuff that we wanted to discuss.

Um... Oh, by the way,

the Navarians are getting
kind of cranky over there.

Maybe you could go distract them
with your breasts.

You know what,
I'm gonna grab us a drink.

-Everybody want a round?
-Sure.

I'll have what you're having.

What are you doing?
Are you messing with me?

Is this punishment?

Wow, what a narcissist you are.

No, this is not punishment.

I happen to think
he's a cool guy.

You think he's a cool guy?

Yeah, that's what I said.

Are you wearing cologne?

So?

Did you pluck your eyebrows?

No.

Oh, I know these moves.

These are your stupid moves.
You used them on me.

What are you talking about?

The accidental hand touching?

The excessive grooming?

I hate to break it to you,
but you're not his type.

Well, we'll just see
about that, won't we?

Oh, this is gonna be so sad.

Yeah, maybe for you.

-Hey, hey.
-Hey.

-Here you go.
Let's have a toast. -Ah.

To old friends.

To new beginnings.

Commander,
the Bruidians are asking

to speak with the bridge.

Put them through.

Good day, Ambassador.

I trust you slept well
last night.

Where is the captain?

I am Lieutenant Commander
Bortus.

Captain Mercer is attending

-to other matters.
-We have reason to believe

that the Navarians are exerting
an influence over the test,

and I have not been able
to reach Captain Mercer

or Commander Grayson.

I assure you, no one
is getting special treatment.

I want to speak
to Captain Mercer.

I will look into the matter
and contact you soon.

Bridge out.

Where are the captain
and the commander?

The last time I saw them,
they were in the mess hall.

But, sir...

the commander's
been acting very weird lately.

Weird?

Well, she's, like,
obsessed with Darulio.

-It's all she talks about.
-You know,

Ed's been acting really strange

with Darulio, too.

He seems... kind of into him.

What do you mean "into him"?

I mean, into him.

Your statement is confusing.

Has the captain entered
Mr. Darulio in some fashion?

Not yet.

Marcus, Ty.

What are you guys doing
on the bridge?

My mom's been locked
in her office for hours,

and she won't answer the door.

(door chimes)

Claire, are you in there?

Oh, my God!

(sighs)

(breathing heavily)

All right.
Now, what can I do for you?

What the hell
did I just walk in on?

Yeah, you're lucky
I'm so easygoing.

There's a little thing
called privacy, you know.

Claire, we are in sickbay.

And you were just doing

I don't know what with Yaphit.

You hate Yaphit!

Alara, I just never gave him
a chance.

But when I finally

allowed myself to take down
my walls, I realized

what an idiot I've been.

Yaphit and I are soul mates.

We're going to get married.

Yeah, a lot of soul mates
around here lately.

My God!

You should be happy for me.

I'm in love.

(over comm):
Bortus to Lieutenant Kitan.

Hang on.
Just... stay right there.

(sighs) Go ahead.

The Bruidians and the Navarians
are both threatening

to withdraw from the agreement

-and to settle their conflict
in battle. -Oh, great.

The computer shows
the captain and the commander

near Science Lab 1,
but they are not responding.

I'm on my way there.
Tell the delegates to stand by.

Are you all done in there?

I want to go for round two.

Yaphit, listen to me.

You are not to have any contact
with Claire

until I figure out
what's going on.

-Understand?
-Hey, man,

the jelly wants
what the jelly wants.

Not today.
I am giving you a direct order.

Go back to your quarters,
and do not answer the door.

Wait, wh-why?

Because I said so!

You have beautiful hands.

Thank you. Well, based on

the computer's progress,

we should have our answers
very shortly.

(sighs) You're a genius.

(door whooshes open)

Hey, Dar. Hey, listen,

I know
it's your last night here,

and since you have to work late,

I made us a little dinner.

Some sandwiches. Banana bread.

-Bottle of rosé.
-That is so sweet.

Oh, it's just like the dinner
I made for you

when you were studying
for your officer's exam.

This isn't your dry-ass
banana bread, Kelly.

This is my own recipe.

I thought maybe we could have
a little picnic,

just you and me.

Oh, sounds great.

But I-I thought
we were gonna watch a movie.

Oh. W-Well,
Ed was being so thoughtful,

and I'd hate for all
that good food to go to waste.

Okay.

(door whooshes open)

Commander, the delegates
are at the boiling point.

I really think now's the time
for that mediation.

Oh, they've been squawkin'
since they got here.

-They'll be fine.
-Sir.

I really think it's important.

Besides, I need to talk
to Darulio, anyway.

There's been a technical issue
with his security clearance.

It's fine. We'll go.

Ed didn't have
any other plans, anyway.

All right, fine.

-Dinner in my quarters after?
-Deal.

Yes!

Alara to Isaac.

Do me a favor
and escort the delegates

to the conference room.

ISAAC (over comm):
Yes, Lieutenant.

Okay, what the hell's
going on here?

What are you talking about?

I want to know what you're doing

to the captain,
the commander and Dr. Finn.

They're all acting like
insane teenagers, and it started

when you came on board. Talk.

Okay, you got me.

Once a year, members
of my species go through heat.

We release a pheromone

though our skin
to help us attract mates.

It's transferred through touch.

I didn't mean to affect Ed

and Kelly,
but it probably happened

when we shook hands
in the shuttle bay.

And now they're both
in artificial,

crippling love with you.

Oh, there's nothing artificial
about it.

They're experiencing feelings.

Chemically induced feelings,

I grant you,
but feelings nonetheless.

And what about Claire?
Why is she all into Yaphit?

I tripped over Yaphit
in the corridor.

His gelatinous membrane must
have absorbed my pheromones,

and then he transferred them
to the doctor somehow.

He was bringing her flowers.

A gelatinous life-form as
a Retepsian pheromonal carrier.

(laughs) Could you believe it?

Oh, so this is all just
a big joke to you.

Look, it's harmless.

The worst thing that happens...

we all have great sex.

It'll pass.

-When?
-A few days.

You do realize that if
the Bruidians and the Navarians

go to war, it's all your fault.

Girlfriend, you are making
way too big a deal of this.

We're going to sickbay. Now.

-You're a snake.
-Hey, it's not my fault

-Darulio likes me better
than you. -That's because

he doesn't know what a piece
of crap you really are.

-(beeps) -(Bobby Goldsboro's
"The Straight Life" playing)

♪ Sometimes I imagine myself

You know, there really is
some justice in all this.

I wind up with the guy
who you cheated with

-during our marriage. -Yeah,
and when he finds out what

a terrible decision he's made,
he'll jump ship just like I did.

You can't hurt me right now.
You cannot hurt me.

I'm way too happy.
And you may as well

be happy for me, instead
of acting like a total bitch.

♪ Sometimes my thoughts
may find me in Mexico ♪

♪ Drinking tequila,
going out of my mind ♪

♪ Having a ball
on a couple of bob ♪

Hey. I got 'em
to put the music in.

♪ Leaving the straight life
behind ♪

If there's any songs
you guys want to...

I'm sorry,
but do you just ride up and down

the freakin' elevator all day?!

Is that your freakin' job?!

♪ She comes to me softly
with crackers and beer ♪

-You're all good, man.
-♪ Winking and blinking

♪ And blowing...

Sorry to keep you guys waiting.

(sighs)
So, lots to catch up on, huh?

-What's the latest? -That is
what we would like to know.

Where are the results
of the test on the artifact?

They'll be ready soon.
Just be patient.

We have been patient enough!

You have ignored our inquiries
since we came aboard!

The Navarian claim to Lopovius
must be cemented!

Over our bloodied corpses.

We shall be happy
to accommodate.

We will make it
our prime objective to wipe out

your entire world, down
to the last living creature.

You know what, I'm sorry,
I have to interrupt here

for a second, because I cannot
hold this in any longer.

I have met the most amazing guy.

And you know
how when you meet someone,

you just have to share it
with the whole world...

Enough!
This mediation is a sham!

You can expect the arrival
of the Bruidian Fleet.

It will be met
with a superior force.

Well, I got a date.

Well, that's it.

Nothing at all
in the Union medical database.

It would appear so. Thank you
for your help, Nurse Park.

Guys, I'm telling ya,
it wears off.

You're dismissed.

And confined to quarters
until further notice.

(chuckles) You guys are being
so silly about this...

-You can walk or I can carry
you. -All right, I'm going.

Isaac to bridge.

We have analyzed a sample
of Mr. Darulio's pheromone,

and there appears
to be no known antidote.

-Acknowledged. -JOHN:
Commander, we got company.

Bruidian warships,
7,000 kilometers and closing.

Looks like their entire fleet.

Magnify image.

Scanners are showing
a second fleet farther out.

Also headed our way.

-The Navarians.
-Looks like it.

Raise deflectors.

♪

♪

Oh, man, this is not good.

Isaac, where is the captain?!

Internal scan shows
he is in his quarters.

Bortus to Captain Mercer.

(over comm):
Bridge to Captain Mercer.

-Please respond.
-(whispers): Don't answer,

don't answer,
I'm not here, I'm not here.

-♪ And it's too late, baby
-Bridge to Commander Grayson.

♪ Now it's too late

-Bridge to Commander Grayson.
-♪ Though we really did

♪ Try to make it.

Those fleets are about
to destroy each other.

I love your big blue head.

But shouldn't you be
on the bridge?

Ugh. I'm always on the bridge.

This is where
I want to be right now.

But you're the captain.

And there's a war
starting out there.

The only thing
I'm captain of right now

is your taut physique.

Now get over here.

Here they are, Commander.

Order your fleets
to stand down immediately.

My fleet will stand down

when the last enemy ship
is destroyed.

For once, I'm in agreement.

Your Union has been entirely
useless in this affair.

We will handle it
ourselves from here.

We cannot afford
to have this conflict escalate.

Stand down.

Lieutenant, confiscate
their communication devices

-and confine them to quarters.
-Aye, sir.

Sir, it may be possible
to reconfigure

and extend our deflectors
to create

a partial barrier
between the two fleets.

That would buy us some time.
Contact Engineering.

Isaac to Chief Newton.

How much time would be required

to configure the deflectors

to the following specifications?

I can do it fast,
but only with Yaphit.

He's the only one who can get
to those conduits quick enough.

Lieutenant Yaphit,
report to Engineering.

YAPHIT (over comm):
On my way, sir.

Mr. Darulio.

I know, I'm under house arrest,
but please just hear me out.

There may be a way
that I can help.

Where are you going?

Claire! I'm, uh,

I'm on my way to Engineering.

What are you doing
with that weapon?

Why haven't you called me?

I've left you, like,
900 messages.

Um, yeah, well, I was told...

What, you just want
to slime all over me

and then kick me to the curb?

Why haven't you called me back?

Claire, I-I really
have to get to...

Answer the question.

ISAAC: Sir, the fleets
have opened fire on each other.

Chief Newton,

what is the status
of the deflectors?

Sir, we're still
waiting on Yaphit.

He never made it to Engineering.

Commander, permission
to open a wide-band channel

to both fleets.

Lieutenant?

Trust me.

Do it.

You're on, guys.

Bruidian fleet, stand down

and return to the home planet.

Navarian fleet,
stand down as well.

I've reached an agreement

with the Bruidian ambassador.

An agreement?

Come on, you can
tell them the truth.

Well, I...

I don't want them to know
before my parents know.

Oh, my God.

You're going to make me cry.

GORDON: Sir, both fleets
have disengaged.

They're heading away.

Well, everything
looks good, Captain.

How you feeling?

Uh, I'm fine.

Little weirded out,
but otherwise fine.

How about you?

Same.

I'm not looking forward
to seeing Yaphit again,

-I can tell you that much.
-Yeah.

Nurse Park, I'm putting
a special commendation

on your record.

The medical computer
did the work, sir.

I-It was just
a souped-up version

of Mr. Darulio's pheromone.
All we had to do was embed it

in the Bruidian's sweat glands,
and it was love at first sight.

The only hard part was getting
them to shake hands.

All right, I think
you're cleared for duty.

Thanks, Doc.

(door chimes)

Come in.

(Ed sighs)

Listen, I...

Can we just not talk about it?
Ever?

You know, I was gonna
ask you the same thing,

but I was afraid
I'd sound like a dick.

You don't.

Well, even so...

I'm sorry.

Well, we have a more immediate
problem anyway.

What happens
when the pheromone wears off?

The ambassadors are in love now,
but in a few days

they'll remember
they hate each other again.

Not necessarily.

I just finished my analysis.

It turns out the DNA
in the artifact

is both Bruidian and Navarian.

They have a common ancestor.

They both have a claim
to Lopovius.

They'll have to share it.

Well, that makes things
a lot easier.

Yes.

Can I just say

-that I feel kind of...
-Darulio.

Thank you for your report.

The Olympia has just arrived,

and there's a shuttle
waiting for you.

Okay.

Darulio, wait.

A year ago, when we met...

were you in heat then?

Maybe.

Captioned by
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