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1
00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:11,759
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
2
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:13,880
[SHE PANTS]
3
00:00:15,520 --> 00:00:20,720
Look at the state of her. You
look like a twat. Ta very much.
4
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:26,319
♪ Four-letter word
just to get me along
5
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,039
♪ It's a difficulty and
I'm biting on my tongue
6
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:33,119
♪ And I keep stalling
and keeping me together
7
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:36,319
♪ People around gotta
find something to say now
8
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:39,079
♪ Holding back,
every day the same
9
00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:40,879
♪ Don't wanna be a loner
10
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:43,080
♪ Listen to me, oh, no... ♪
11
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,359
Just tell me which door, lovey,
cos I'm late now for my restart
12
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,679
interview. It's any second.
That door behind you.
13
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:54,239
Oh, my God, it's like The
Crystal Maze round here.
14
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,719
That's fine. Great. Ooh.
15
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,440
Different vibe.
16
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:01,880
[SHE SIGHS]
17
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:07,679
[SHE SIGHS]
18
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,639
Too hot.
19
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,600
It's my own fault
for cycling in fur.
20
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:15,479
Fake fur.
21
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,479
I didn't kill a flamingo.
22
00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,079
I was panicking about the time,
23
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:21,279
I had the fur on, I
just got very flustered.
24
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,839
But...
25
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,680
What are you in for? Are
you... looking for a job?
26
00:01:28,720 --> 00:01:30,200
Yeah.
27
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,759
[SHE EXHALES]
28
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,080
Oh, yeah.
29
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:41,640
Ah, there's no cups.
30
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,640
Alma Nuthall.
31
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,320
Yes, just one second.
32
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,479
I've got to be honest, Carol -
33
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:59,319
I've got no qualifications
or job experience,
34
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,439
but I've got pizzazz,
I've got charisma,
35
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:02,959
and I think outside the box.
36
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,199
I'm also capable of being in the
box at the same time. I can do both.
37
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,159
If you know what I
mean. Not really, no.
38
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,360
Why don't you have
any qualifications?
39
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,959
The truth is, for the first
seven years of my life
40
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,959
I didn't even go to school.
41
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,359
I had my own key
by the age of five.
42
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,759
Fed myself, clothed myself,
43
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,600
ran my own schedule.
44
00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,759
Think Mowgli with a mullet.
45
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:30,479
Ta, Pete.
46
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,879
Think the baby
from Trainspotting.
47
00:02:32,880 --> 00:02:34,759
If she'd lived.
48
00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:36,479
And when I did go
to school, I was
49
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,400
eventually excluded for
arriving drunk in a bikini.
50
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,839
I was just never
much of an academic.
51
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:45,359
So what job experience
have you got?
52
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:47,679
Well, I actually want
to be an actress.
53
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,959
What job experience
have you got?
54
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,759
My boyfriend had his own business
and I used to help him out.
55
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,119
But he recently left me, Carol.
56
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,879
For a younger - not
hotter, thank you -
57
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:02,399
but younger woman. Has that ever
happened to you? No, it hasn't.
58
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:05,639
Do you know what, I can tell
you, it's absolutely shit, Carol.
59
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:08,239
Do you know, he left me knowing
full well that I wouldn't be able
60
00:03:08,240 --> 00:03:09,679
to cover my rent
this month. Right,
61
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,239
let's get back on
track, eh? Yes.
62
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,959
Aw, your one looks nice.
63
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,559
Safe.
64
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,319
Meaty.
65
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,959
You see, you've got your
own weird shit going on,
66
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,999
clearly, and you've found
someone who digs it.
67
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,959
That's what I need.
68
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,239
Somebody who actually
embraces my quirks.
69
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,359
I'm sorry that you've
had a difficult time.
70
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,679
Our plan here is to
get you back on track.
71
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,519
Yes! And that's what I want.
72
00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:37,119
I just want to throw
myself into a career.
73
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,079
Forget men. I'm a
career woman now.
74
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:40,599
Here we go.
75
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,679
I have a job match
for you. Fabulous.
76
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,159
Sandwich artist at Sub and Go.
77
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,479
Sandwich artist?
78
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:48,519
What am I doing,
painting the sandwiches?
79
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,679
No, making the sandwiches, using
a till, dealing with customers.
80
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:52,959
That's not what I want to do.
81
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:54,760
You don't have
many options, love.
82
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:59,319
[SHE SCOFFS] Well, actually,
that's about to change, Carol.
83
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:00,799
I've just had an audition and it
84
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:02,759
felt very promising,
I'll have you know.
85
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,879
To stay on JSA, you need to
be actively seeking work,
86
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:07,239
Miss Nuthall.
87
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:10,120
Shall I put in an
expression of interest?
88
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:15,080
Yeah, go on.
89
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:25,559
♪ Hot topic is the
way that we rhyme
90
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:29,839
♪ Hot topic is the
way that we rhyme
91
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:32,640
♪ Hot topic is the way that... ♪
92
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,639
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
93
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:39,799
I love it, Adnan.
94
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,519
It's very me, isn't it?
95
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,319
I mean, I know you
don't actually know me.
96
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:44,959
No, no... I can see
it's the sort of
97
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,439
thing that really works
with your... demeanour.
98
00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,319
Feels fabulous. I
mean, you can't be
99
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,879
miserable when you've got
one of these, can you?
100
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:54,239
I'm a walking party.
101
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,719
How much is that? £250.
102
00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,719
What the fuck? Just keep
your voice down, please.
103
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,799
What the fuck, Adnan?
104
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,959
[HE CHUCKLES]
105
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,759
Shit!
106
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,319
Mate, is everything OK?
107
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,679
[WHSIPERS:] Don't talk to
me, Adnan, I'm not here.
108
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,799
What? NOT here!
109
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,679
So do you still want the..?
110
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,079
Sh-sh-sh-sh!
111
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,319
Excuse me, mate. Have
you got any decks?
112
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,800
Yeah, just to the right,
by the window. Nice one.
113
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,319
Alma. Oh, shit!
114
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:27,959
This is the prick who left me.
115
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,479
I met him outside Wigan
pier on me 18th birthday,
116
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:34,359
back in the day when it was all
about going to raves in a bikini
117
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,359
and snogging boys
with ASBOs on E.
118
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:40,039
He was a taxi driver
moonlighting as a drug dealer,
119
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:43,079
which was great for me -
free drugs and a lift home.
120
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:45,039
What the fuck are you doing?
121
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:49,239
Er... I was just
looking at these.
122
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:50,800
Jack leads? Yeah.
123
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,439
For my, erm...
124
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,399
For my, erm... Amp.
125
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,999
Amp, yeah. I've got an amp now.
126
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:02,479
You're fucking weird, you,
you know. Oh, piss off!
127
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,559
Anyway, you're the one
who should be hiding.
128
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:07,799
So you were hiding. You
owe me money. Fuck off.
129
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,159
You're just jealous
cos I'm finally happy.
130
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:13,519
Oh, yeah. If happiness
is shagging a teenager
131
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,439
and moving back in with your mum,
then you're very welcome to it.
132
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:19,279
Don't worry, Alma, love. I'll
shag you if you're desperate.
133
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:20,999
Fuck off, you fat fuck!
134
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,439
[THEY CHUCKLE]
135
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:25,599
How am I supposed to
pay my rent this month?
136
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,239
It's not my problem any more.
137
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,239
Lovely.
138
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,440
[HE CHUCKLES]
139
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,280
Do you do store credit, Adnan?
140
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:44,240
[MUSIC: 1234 by Ashley
& Michael Clark]
141
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,839
Quick, get in!
142
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,759
This is Grandma Joan,
143
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:59,639
a Silk Cut-smoking, vodka-drinking,
animal print-loving whirlwind.
144
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:02,999
I went to live with Joan
after a stint in foster care.
145
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,719
She'd just got divorced
and chucked out the iron.
146
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,959
She went to uni that year
and discovered feminism.
147
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,879
I say "feminism" - I mean
that in a very '90s way.
148
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:16,839
She said the words "cock"
and "patriarchy" a lot.
149
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:19,439
The first thing she said
to me when I arrived was...
150
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,839
Don't waste your life ironing
a man's clothes, Alma.
151
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,559
His creases'll drop out
but your wrinkles won't.
152
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,920
I was eight. Fried
Spam on the go.
153
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,359
Just seen Anthony.
154
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,079
Shouting at me in the middle of
a shop, can you believe that?
155
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,799
Yes, I can, he's a fuck.
156
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,439
Oh, this Spam is fabulous.
157
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:43,839
Aldi's own.
158
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,119
Do you know, I
wake up craving it.
159
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,239
It calls my name from
the kitchen cupboard,
160
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,359
"Joan, Joan..." Oh, God,
look at the state of me.
161
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,439
Starting to look
like Nicolas Cage.
162
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:54,999
No.
163
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,799
Just a bit droopy here.
164
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,839
Sod off.
165
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,399
The rest of your
skin's dead fresh.
166
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,199
Yeah, I know. I read an article
about the benefits of steam rooms
167
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,799
on your skin, so every
morning I've started
168
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,919
sticking me head in the kettle.
169
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,799
I don't think that's
the same, Grandma.
170
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:13,319
I've lost years
round me eyes, look!
171
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:14,680
Right.
172
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,439
I'm going to see Mum today.
173
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,839
Oh! You can always come with me.
174
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,799
Don't start.
175
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,799
She's really
struggling, Grandma.
176
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:30,119
I think she really needs us.
Yeah, and what about what I need?
177
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,639
Nobody cares about that, do
they? All right, chill out.
178
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,439
No, she stole the best years
of my life, your mother.
179
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,879
Has she ever apologised?
Has she fuck!
180
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,760
I don't want to talk about it.
181
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,799
How's her ears? What?
182
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,839
Well, they get very
cold, don't they?
183
00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,919
They stick out too
much, that's why.
184
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,799
Oh, yeah. I think
they're fine, Grandma.
185
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,519
Good.
186
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,400
Well, let's leave
it at that, then.
187
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,999
Can I pinch a fag? 80p.
188
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,839
I don't have 80p, I'm skint!
189
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,759
It's about time you
got a proper job.
190
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,359
I've worked all my life,
191
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,959
always on me feet.
192
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,519
I've got bunions
the size of me fist.
193
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:10,519
I don't want to go into
your bunions right now.
194
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,039
Well, dreaming's not
going to get you anywhere.
195
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,160
That's not going to put
Spam on the table, is it?
196
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,760
[MUSIC: Boom Boom by Bea Parks &
Garo Nahoulakian & Oliver Horton]
197
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,519
This is my best mate, Leanne.
198
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:35,199
She came to Bolton for
a fling she met online,
199
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,079
but ended up staying because the
locals can't get enough of her.
200
00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:40,479
They find my accent exotic.
201
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,679
She has the mannerisms
of a truck driver
202
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:45,039
and the rock and roll sex
appeal of Debbie Harry.
203
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:46,679
It's quite something.
204
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,559
She's never without a shag.
205
00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:50,359
Bill, I'm going for a fag.
206
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:53,319
Crack on with the mallet,
mate, my arm's ragging.
207
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:54,679
You've already had your break.
208
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:56,879
Don't be a dick. Be
back in a minute.
209
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,519
I'm YOUR boss, remember?
210
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,919
Fuck's sake.
211
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,079
All right.
212
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,119
[ALMA GRUNTS] What is that?
213
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,639
Can I leave it here? It
keeps falling off me bike.
214
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,319
You need to watch
your spending, you.
215
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,199
You got a problem. No, I don't!
216
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,199
Why don't you leave it
next to your trampoline?
217
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,919
It's not a trampoline,
218
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,519
it's a Fit Bounce Pro.
219
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,319
Very good for getting fit.
220
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:19,839
Athletes use them.
221
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,839
So listen, I need to, erm...
222
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:23,679
I do need to use it
more, though, don't I?
223
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,239
Use it more? You used it once.
224
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,679
I should just use
it when I pop round.
225
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:32,039
A sort of tone up
and a chat session.
226
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,479
What's going on with you?
227
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,039
You're in one of
your manic moods.
228
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,399
I'm not in a manic mood. No,
I'm in a thoughtful mood.
229
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,759
I'm thinking, "Oh,
I've got no job,
230
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,759
"no boyfriend, a
flat I can't afford,
231
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,519
"a trampoline I don't bounce on
232
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:44,999
"and a boom box I don't need."
233
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,959
But I'm fine. I am absolutely...
234
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:50,679
[PHONE BUZZES] Ooh.
I'm absolutely fine.
235
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,839
I think it's my audition. Ooh.
236
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,319
Right, OK.
237
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,279
[SHE SIGHS]
238
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,399
Hello?
239
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,479
Yes, this is I.
240
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,519
Right, yes. Yeah, for the...
241
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,319
Yeah.
242
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:06,879
Yeah.
243
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,519
Great!
244
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,039
Thank you very much.
245
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:11,879
Goodbye!
246
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,559
Didn't get it.
247
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:16,160
Ach! That's proper
shit, I'm sorry, babe.
248
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,880
I'm destined for a life
of bunions, Leanne.
249
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:23,999
And I'm fucking skint as well.
250
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,639
Fuck's sake, Alma.
251
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:29,639
You need to get some money
off Anthony to tide you over.
252
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:32,999
He owes you after running
off like that. Yeah.
253
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,319
Yeah.
254
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,679
Yeah, to be honest,
you're right, actually.
255
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:39,559
I am. Yeah. I am!
256
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:42,799
He does, doesn't he, though?
Yes! Yeah! He's a fucking prick.
257
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,519
He IS a prick! Yes!
258
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:45,919
Do you know what, fuck him.
259
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,079
FUCK HIM! Fuck him!
Say it with me now.
260
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,319
NO MORE BULLSHIT!
No more bullshit!
261
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,679
No-more-fucking-bull-shit!
262
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:57,079
Give me some fucking
money and FUCK OFF!
263
00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,000
Well, that didn't go
according to plan, did it?
264
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,320
I think my knob's
getting bigger.
265
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,159
Do you think it is?
266
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,480
I mean...
267
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,879
Have you trimmed your pubes?
268
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:16,399
Yeah, but... it's not that, it's
269
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,679
like it's just got more...
270
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:19,760
[PHONE VIBRATES]
271
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:29,479
You're going to have
to go in a minute.
272
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,799
[SHE SIGHS]
273
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,920
I need some money, Anthony.
274
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:46,959
There.
275
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,039
500 quid for your rent.
Now you need to go.
276
00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,599
[VIV:] Alma, love, made
you a brew down here.
277
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,159
Ta, Trish.
278
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:54,799
How does she know it was me?
279
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,599
Well, you're loud, aren't you?
280
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:57,999
[WHISPERS:] God.
281
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,559
[TV:] So tell me, Paul, what do
the viewers at home need to know
282
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,279
about bread?
283
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,679
Well, Sue, every
home is improved
284
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:05,719
by home-made bread.
285
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,879
You know, making bread in your own
kitchen is much more satisfying...
286
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:10,719
Have you ever baked bread?
287
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,159
Have I fuck.
288
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,399
I once bought a loaf that
wasn't sliced, though.
289
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,279
Wow. How was it?
290
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,399
Hard work. Mm.
291
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:21,479
You need to go. Rachel's
going to come back any minute.
292
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:24,199
Let her finish her
brew. She needs to go!
293
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,759
Don't you start with that
temper of yours. Oh, for f...
294
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,639
I'm surprised she wants to be
anywhere near you after... Don't.
295
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,759
[TV:] Whatever you do, do
not under-bake a sourdough.
296
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,960
Who gives a fuck, Paul?
297
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,679
Oh! Here she is,
298
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,279
Rachel,
299
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,399
looking fabulous. Men never leave
you for someone older, fatter,
300
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,719
more knackered-looking, do they?
301
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,799
She's no idea what
hell she's in for.
302
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,239
It's Trish I miss the most.
303
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,159
Everything's always like
clockwork with Trish.
304
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:01,639
She gets up at the same
time, sits in the same chair,
305
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,559
eats the same discount biscuits,
306
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,719
and heckles at the
same TV programmes.
307
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,399
Every day. It's reliable.
308
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,399
Comforting.
309
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,679
My mum's nothing like Trish.
310
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,159
[SHE YAWNS]
311
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,279
She's a drug addict so she's never
been too good at the mum stuff.
312
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,519
She tried once, decided
to cook me breakfast.
313
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,199
It was a disaster.
314
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,879
How do you know when it's cooked?
It looks the fucking same!
315
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,120
To be fair, it does.
316
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:32,719
Hiya, Mum, are you all right?
317
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:34,480
Yeah, I'm on my way.
318
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,039
Great, you're here.
319
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,919
I've got something for you.
320
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,479
Oh, you've joined
the art class. Good!
321
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,839
Oh!
322
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,359
It's about society.
323
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:01,679
Here she is, my mum, the
Iggy Pop of the psych ward.
324
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,679
She was a punk in her youth.
325
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,919
But it's hard to maintain
when you're over 40
326
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,159
and shop exclusively
on Bury Market.
327
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,799
She loves ornament pixies too.
328
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,719
If she'd discovered
those before heroin,
329
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,919
we could have had a
very different life.
330
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,279
Right. Yes.
331
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,199
That's definitely...
332
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,399
Definitely bigger than
the last one, isn't it?
333
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,159
A Nought. Yeah.
334
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:24,439
[HE SPLUTTERS]
335
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,399
Bloody hell, Jim!
336
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,199
Be quiet making a racket!
337
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,879
We shouldn't get these
again, they're not happening.
338
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,719
I can't chew 'em.
339
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:34,839
This is Mum's boyfriend, Jim.
340
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,039
He's a schizophrenic
with a heart of gold.
341
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,279
They met on a ward 20 years ago.
342
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,239
He's never taken
drugs in his life
343
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,199
but they got on like a house on fire
because they've both got no teeth.
344
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,159
It was like watching two elastic
bands have a conversation.
345
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,439
They've had them
done on NHS now.
346
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,479
Jim's still struggling with his.
347
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,279
There you go, it's all there.
348
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:56,039
We'll just have to check that
before you leave with it.
349
00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:58,039
For fuck's sake!
350
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:01,079
I'm not armed and dangerous with
a bag of jelly babies, am I?
351
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:03,159
Mum, it's all right. It's like a
352
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,079
fucking guinea pig farm in
here. I shouldn't be here.
353
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:08,559
My mum has drug-induced
psychosis, which means
354
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:10,920
sometimes she likes
to set things on fire.
355
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,840
This time it was Jim's place.
356
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,760
Bloody hell, Lin,
what have you done?
357
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,159
How am I going to
make beans on toast?
358
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:34,079
Apparently, it's pretty common
for women with psychosis.
359
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,119
Men attack women,
women attack buildings.
360
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,839
I suppose you could
read it as Mum's
361
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,759
way of setting the
patriarchy alight.
362
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,519
Or maybe she just
fucking loves fire.
363
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,239
I shouldn't be here. I should
be somewhere else like Rhyl,
364
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,879
in a caravan park,
having a nice time,
365
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,879
not here with a load
of fucking nutters.
366
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,679
[SHE COUGHS]
367
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,159
Oh, bloody hell, Mum, you'd
think you'd been down t'mines!
368
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,120
Shall we go for a fag?
369
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:05,879
I can't stand it here.
370
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:07,639
They're all bloody nutters.
371
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,039
I know, Mum.
372
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,639
And nobody visits.
373
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,719
I'm here, aren't I?
374
00:17:12,720 --> 00:17:15,199
Oh, yeah, well, thanks
for your guest appearance.
375
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,359
I'll see you again in 2050.
376
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,119
Jim's here every day!
377
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,320
Mum, I was here last week.
378
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:24,879
Grandma bloody wasn't, was she?
379
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,840
It's been years!
380
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,439
So maybe next time we can
use some of your leave
381
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,640
to go somewhere a bit nicer.
382
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,919
Council won't sort us out
with another flat, you know.
383
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:44,199
Jim's been sleeping on
t'floor at Scabby Joe's.
384
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,679
It's not comfy.
385
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,120
Mm.
386
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:51,720
So can I come and live with
you when they release me? No!
387
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,639
I mean...
388
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,160
My flat's only small
and I'm skint myself.
389
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:04,399
I'm not being funny, Mum,
but you're an arsonist.
390
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,039
It were an accident!
391
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,079
You killed the cat!
392
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,560
Peace be with you.
393
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,839
Is he new?
394
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:15,839
Yeah.
395
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,959
Thinks he's Jesus.
396
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,079
Another one?
397
00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:21,599
Yeah.
398
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,400
I told him, "You're
no son of mine."
399
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,960
[MUSIC: Love Really Hurts
Without You by Billy Ocean]
400
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,960
What the hell is that?
401
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,039
Mum's latest artwork.
402
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:42,960
Slash psychosis.
403
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,600
Oh, thank fuck for that.
404
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,519
You know Ann with the lazy eye?
405
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,079
Oh, yeah, Winky Ann. She's
doing all right, you know.
406
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:56,399
She just bought a flat in
Bury with a garage. Bought it?
407
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,759
Yeah. With a garage? Yeah!
408
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,319
Bought it? Yeah, with a garage.
409
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,359
You know why, don't you?
410
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:05,759
She just started
escorting in Manchester.
411
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,319
No way!
412
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,679
Surprised she gets the
work with that eye.
413
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,239
She's had it fixed.
414
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,039
I heard she earns £250 an hour.
415
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:16,439
God! Bloody hell!
416
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,759
I'm on £7.50.
417
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,319
And you've got to
wear that hat. I know.
418
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,239
God, if you were an escort,
419
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,359
go in, one hour, slap
a man on the balls,
420
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:27,839
pretend to be his mother,
250 quid, you'd be done.
421
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,719
Oh! I couldn't do it, though.
422
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,639
No, me neither.
423
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,319
Not with my depressed
left breast.
424
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:37,799
Everyone's got one low-energy
breast. Mine's got a hair on it.
425
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,679
Me too! Black.
426
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,000
Wiry.
427
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:45,520
So listen...
428
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,760
I need to talk to you.
429
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:53,079
So, Ann came in
the caff yesterday,
430
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:54,999
she starts chatting to me,
431
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,519
and she tells me
that apparently...
432
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,639
Rachel's pregnant.
433
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,160
And they're keeping it.
434
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,439
What the fuck?
435
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,040
I know.
436
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,399
I just don't
understand, because I...
437
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,079
Listen! This is the best thing
that could have happened to you.
438
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,359
Now you can finally move on.
439
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:20,919
[ALMA SCOFFS]
440
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,800
To where? To what?
441
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:32,440
Ooft, no.
442
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,720
Shall we get shit-faced?
443
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,439
Karaoke night!
444
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,279
No, I should probably go home.
445
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:43,679
Got an early...
446
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,920
[SHE HOLLERS WANNABE]
447
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:54,199
♪ If you want my
future forget my past
448
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,759
♪ If you want to get with me
449
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,560
♪ Better make it fast... ♪
450
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,759
All right, ladies and
gents, it's Leanne.
451
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:12,240
Whoo! She's phenomenal!
452
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,359
[SHE SINGS OPERATICALLY]
453
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:22,399
♪ Time to say goodbye
454
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:28,799
♪ Paesi che non ho mai
455
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:33,799
♪ No, no, non esistono piu
456
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,760
♪ It's time to say goodbye... ♪
457
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,120
It's really over.
458
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,320
He's having a baby!
459
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,479
They're having a family!
460
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,879
They're a family now!
461
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,120
And I'm on me own!
462
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:01,240
I'm completely alone, Glen!
463
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:05,639
It's Geoff.
464
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:07,839
That doesn't suit
you at all, Glen.
465
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:12,400
♪ Mio sole, tu sei qui
con me, con me... ♪
466
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,439
You absolutely smashed
that song, babe.
467
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,479
I know.
468
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,159
I think it's my
raw sexual energy.
469
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:24,719
So did you.
470
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:27,000
Grace of a swan, as always.
471
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,479
Hi, babes!
472
00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:30,959
Hello, ladies.
473
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,159
Oh, Glen, I'm not
going to shag you.
474
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,000
Fair enough.
475
00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,679
Eh! Look!
476
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:43,479
There's Winky Ann!
477
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,959
Bloody hell, you're right!
478
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,919
God, her eye looks great!
479
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:49,639
Yeah, good investment, that.
480
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,439
Mm.
481
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:54,119
Oh, I need my own money, me.
482
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:57,399
No, I'm going to sort everything
out now I'm on me own.
483
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,679
And I'm going to get some
acting work and I'm going to
484
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,439
sort my family out, and then
I'm going to get a real job.
485
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:06,119
You know, I'm going
to learn Spanish...
486
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,399
I think I'm going to
start tap-dancing.
487
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:11,159
Maybe just start
with a job first, eh?
488
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,119
Yeah.
489
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:15,039
Doing what?
490
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:16,680
Well, what skills do you have?
491
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,239
I can hold a three-litre bottle
of cider under my left tit
492
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:22,759
with no hands.
493
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,000
[THEY LAUGH]
494
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,319
I don't think that's a
transferable skill, babe.
495
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:30,960
You'd be surprised.
496
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,399
You look like shit!
497
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,719
Are you all right?
Not really, no.
498
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:43,079
Anthony's having a baby with
his foetus of a girlfriend.
499
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:44,919
I can't afford my rent.
500
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,479
Mum's a mess.
501
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,360
I'm hanging out my arse.
502
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,799
You tried feng "suey"?
503
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:56,399
What? You move
all your furniture
504
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,519
around and it gets rid
of the negative vibes.
505
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:01,519
I did it with that cake tin.
See, it used to be over there.
506
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:03,239
It was very oppressive.
507
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,560
I don't think moving a fucking cake
tin's going to cut it, Grandma.
508
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,600
It does look good, though.
509
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:16,199
Listen, I've booked
a trip for Mum today.
510
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:20,239
I'm going to use some of her
leave to take her to Queen's Park.
511
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,560
And I'd really love it
if you came with me.
512
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,079
No. No. How dare you ask?
513
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:28,079
Look, please!
514
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:32,359
I think we need to be better at
trying to be some sort of a family.
515
00:24:32,360 --> 00:24:34,200
I know that's what I need.
516
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,960
I really want you to
come with me today.
517
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,719
I bought pasties.
518
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,319
Have you?
519
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,599
Yeah.
520
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,520
Ye Olde's as well.
521
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,760
But you can't have any unless
you come with me today.
522
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,639
That is very
manipulative of you.
523
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,679
Hm. Yeah.
524
00:24:58,680 --> 00:24:59,920
I know.
525
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:06,159
♪ I'm sticking with you
526
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:10,200
♪ Cos I'm made out of glue
527
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,800
♪ Anything that you might do
528
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:19,359
♪ I'm gonna do too... ♪
529
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:22,159
Bloody hell!
530
00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,959
You finally made it
after five years.
531
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,080
What happened, did you get lost?
532
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,879
I bought you these.
533
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:32,679
What the bloody hell are them?
534
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:35,479
Are you trying to make me
look like a goblin, or what?
535
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:37,479
[SHE CHUCKLES]
536
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,880
I think you do that quite
successfully yourself.
537
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,720
Here.
538
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:55,200
[THEY CHUCKLE]
539
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:01,199
♪ I'm gonna do too
540
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:04,959
♪ Some people go
into the stratosphere
541
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,119
♪ Soldiers fighting
with the Cong
542
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:10,079
♪ But with you by my side
I can do anything... ♪
543
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:12,040
Right, who's hungry?
544
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:19,159
♪ When we swing, we hang
past right and wrong... ♪
545
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:22,239
Is there owt soft in there?
546
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,119
I can't do crusts.
547
00:26:24,120 --> 00:26:25,279
There you go.
548
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,720
♪ I'll do anything for you
549
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:36,280
♪ Anything you want me to
550
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,679
♪ I'll do anything for you
551
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,199
♪ Oh, oh
552
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:46,599
♪ I'm sticking with you
553
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:48,919
♪ Oh, oh
554
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:51,999
♪ I'm sticking with you
555
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,559
♪ Oh, oh
556
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:57,879
♪ I'm sticking with you
557
00:26:57,880 --> 00:26:59,999
♪ Oh, oh
558
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:03,479
♪ I'm sticking with you
559
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:05,919
♪ Oh, oh. ♪
560
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:07,880
[SHE SIGHS]
561
00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:22,400
Feng fucking "suey"!
562
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,120
[SHE SIGHS]
563
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:50,720
[PHONE RINGS]
564
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:57,679
Hello there, erm, I'm interested
in working for your company...
565
00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,999
[INDISTINCT VOICE ON PHONE]
566
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:03,199
I'm a hard worker, I'm
great with people and...
567
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,519
Yeah. Yeah.
568
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:08,639
I know someone who does it.
569
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:10,680
I'm aware it's sex.
570
00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:28,039
♪ Been there, done
that, messed around
571
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:29,679
♪ I'm having fun,
don't put me down
572
00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:33,239
♪ I'll never let you
sweep me off my feet
573
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:36,679
♪ I won't let you in again
The messages I tried to send
574
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:39,600
♪ My information's
just not going in... ♪
41000
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