All language subtitles for Dinnerladies_S01E01.Monday.eng

All right Stan?

All right Norman?

I'm not.

Male maintenance person
entering female lavatory area!

I can't cope with them stairs.

They're good for you, stairs.

They were on the news last night.

There was this woman,
and she's a hundred and four.

And she could still get
into a pair of Levi's.

Took two people to button
them up for her but even so.

No, this is like a phobia.
I get panicky.

What, on stairs?

I fell off a diving board
in Guernsey you know.

I can't stand on
coconut matting either.

Could get help for that,
couldn't you?

Oh! I ain't got time,
I'm building an extension.

You all right Stan?
You've a nice weekend?

I did Bren.

I got my carpet tacks
organised finally.

Did you?

I bet you'd imagined
they were standardised,

hadn't you, carpet tacks?

- Yeah?
- They're not.

I had to laugh in the end,
the variations in length.

Can you put boiler
on for me, Stan?

Now the trays and the docket,
they don't exactly tally.

Why? What've we not got?

You've got your white sliced,
you've got your brown.

You've got your rolls,
you've got your French sticks,

- and you've got your pittas.
- Yeah?

But you ain't got your
granary torpedoes.

Why have I not got my
granary torpedoes?

Well it didn't all
get put on the van.

I weren't there,
this were Glenda.

Oh just sign it Bren
I've got an itchy bum.

Yeah, but Norman, I can't sign
saying I've had granary torpedoes

if I haven't had granary torpedoes.

That'd be like Bridge Over The
River Kwai, that wouldn't it?

Eh!

Well it'd be like Kim
Novak in Vertigo.

You know, live in a lie.

Have you never seen Vertigo?

Seen it! I have got it!

Alec Guinness very erect.

In "Bridge Over the River Kwai".

And what's that one
with Stanley Holloway?

"Lavender Hill Mob".

Oh and he runs down all the
steps of the Eiffel Tower.

Ooh, I couldn't watch that.

Running down steps, it'd put
me back years that would.

I'd hyperventilate.

Could you not watch
it with a paper bag?

Morning. Any one
for a gang bang?

We haven't got any
granary torpedoes.

I've given you loaves in lieu.

Have you?

Go on then you saucebox.

This were Glenda.
I were on toilet.

- Blooming cold, Bren.
- Eh?

When's Glenda coming
back on her round?

Are you all right Bren?
Did you get any?

What?

The weekend, did you get any?

Any sex? No I had to
go to the launderette.

Did you Tony?

Hollow flipping laughter.

Do you want a brew, Stan?

Deffo.

Oh, you've got your overall on.

Is it so much to ask Bren

for you to walk around in
your bra for five minutes?

Yes it is.

Do you think big Glenda'd
give us a flash?

Not after you said she
looked like Desperate Dan.

He's starting to look very
attractive to me, is Dan.

What do you want?

Girl in a wet t-shirt.

Coffee.

It's been a bit slow this.

Eh!

Shouldn't be.
I've had the plug up.

- Hi Anita.
- Hiya.

Anita! Do you fancy a bunk up
just to get me brain going?

Is a bunk up a hammock?

It's Monday.

Did you have a nice weekend?

Going to temp now.
Hose me bins!

Hmm. I went to a craft fair.

I got one of those coat hangers
with the googly eyes.

Did you?

Hello, coat hanger googly eyes.

Well it's a coat hanger and
it's got googly eyes on it.

What are we doing
about our torpedoes?

Let's start with nothing.

Morning.

- Morning.
- Hi Dolly. Morning Jean.

What's wrong with Delilah?

I've no objection to the song.

It was just Tom Jones squatting
on the front of the TV Times

in those swimming trunks.

Bren?

No idea.

Are we a quorum?

Any chance of getting
any blooming work done?

Twinkle's not here.

Well, it's only Monday.

Still the weekend for her.

She'll be sat in a cab
somewhere throwing up.

Corn on the cob.

We're not still on Tom
Jones' swimming trunks.

The wedding.
Sit down or running buffet.

How do you cope, Jean?

I don't. This has been
twitching since September.

Dolly, what day is it for you?
Full fat, semi skimmed?

Full fat. I'll treat myself.

- Oi! Twinkle.
- What?

You don't come to work
in your overall, do you?

All right, keep your scrotum on.

Okay, finally.

Twink, you're on sink.

Thanks a bog roll.

Dolly on sarnies.

There's no torpedoes so don't
come knocking on my door

saying where's the torpedoes
cos there aren't any.

Bren on counter, and...

Oh, sort yourselves out.

Bren, I'm having a fag.

If he phones about the
salad cream, tell him...

- Tell him you're having a fag?
- Yeah.

Shut the door!

Eh! Did you see that film on Sunday?

- On Sky?
- No, on real telly. Dirk Bogarde.

Oh, because on Sky there was
this film about this woman

whose husband died
in this avalanche.

And two years later she finds
his sperm in the freezer

and gets pregnant
with a turkey baster.

Hey, that sounds good.

It's based on a true story.

Dirk who?

So she's been distraught for years
because they haven't had any children.

She should've cleaned her
freezer out a bit more often.

So why did she not use her
husband's sperm to get pregnant.

She did.

Well you said she got pregnant
with a turkey baster.

It's a little rubber.

Oh! I thought it were
a job, turkey baster.

Yeah, 'cos all the lesbians
have them now, don't they?

Do they?

Oh yeah, it were in t' paper,
did you not read it?

They get the sperm
off the Internet...

bunked it into turkey
baster like Dolly says,

9 months later, Bob's your uncle.

- Fanny's your...
- Thank you!

And are they vegetarians,
lesbians?

Eh?

I wondered if you went together like
traffic wardens like in Neil Sedaka?

Do you mean Humphrey Bogart?

Oh, I love him.

We've got 'im at
home on a jigsaw.

Have you never seen his films?

No, we haven't even
finished his raincoat yet.

He's given me four bloomers
here, that Norman.

"Doctor in the House", that's
what Dirk Bogarde was in, Twink.

So Dolly this sperm,

was she just clearing
out the freezer

and there it was
under the arctic rolls?

More or less yes.

Does Dirk Bogarde come down some stairs
on a hospital trolley going "arhhh"?

No, that's Jim Dale.

That's "Carry on Nurse".

"Doctor in the House" has got him
wi' posh voice, Donald Sinden.

Then they did that thing with that
Welsh one from "It Ain't Half Hot Mum".

What do you mean, hot mum?

- Were they're all sweaty?
- Yes.

Who's all sweaty?

The soldiers in the jungle,

they have little vests on.

Little sweaty vests.

Steady on, Bren!

Can we have a calm
civilised atmosphere, please!

Can we not pollute a food preparation
area with talk of little sweaty vests.

Tony!

Not only has Norman not
given us our torpedoes,

he's left us all these
crusty bloomers.

Look!

If we're not allowing sweaty
vests into the conversation,

we certainly not dwelling on
Norman's crusty bloomers.

I'm trying to describe
who Dirk Bogarde is.

Have you never seen
"Death in Venice"?

Is that the dwarf
in the duffel coat?

No, that's "Look Back in Anger".

Come on girls, shift it!

Would this be a good moment to
talk about Scottish country dancing?

No, it wouldn't.

Who the heck was that?

Hello!

Twink! Is that toaster hot?

It's only warm.

Oh, flip, not again.
Where's Stan? Anita!

Are you nearly open?

In a minute.

Bugger off!

Anita, is Stan outside?

Outside?

Yeah, you know, not inside.

Stanley works here?

Twink, is he doing his bins?
Chuck a box at him!

Hello!

Toaster's on t' blink.

Okay.

Just tell him to come up.

Order pea soup, cos' it's warm.

- Warm toast. It's like blooming...
- ...warm salad!

Oh, you can have warm salad,
it's quite a shi-shi starter.

Think of that for the wedding, Jean.

With Keith's family?

Last big wedding, his
auntie Dot ate a coaster.

No!

His auntie Dot from Cockermouth
ate a raffia drinks coaster.

Thought it was a
high fibre biscuit.

She had to be held back from moving
down the table and buttering two more.

Stand back!

Emergency toaster maintenance
coming through!

Keep well clear, please!

Can I order my toast now?

I've got to fax Tokyo.

Hang on.

Ha, got it.

That's it.
Coming to temp now.

Get those shutters up!

Let's feed the faces of folk!

Can I have twelve rounds
of white, please?

You can actually, yeah.

It's been a bit touch and
thingy bob, but yeah,

twelve rounds of white,
let's do it!

Soup?

No, it has to be
cold the first course.

Smoke mackerel pâté.

What about the vegetarians?

Melon.

Melon balls' daintier.

Who's vegetarian
on Keith's side?

His auntie Margot.

She won't eat
anything with a face.

She can have the melon balls.

What? She won't eat
anything with a face,

but she'll eat
something wi' balls?

Mum!

No!

Why?

Jodie can't wear a sash.

Have you see these
sextuplets in the paper?

She actually chose
to have six babies.

It's technology gone mad.

Yeah, but it's handy
though, isn't it?

Like if you want to tap the
Nolan sisters in a hurry.

'Cos that poor woman,
Mrs. Nolan, I suppose.

She must've been
giving birth for years

before she got any decent
harmonies up and running.

I like the Nolan sisters,
they were nice mixture.

Yeah, they were, weren't they?

Some of them were
really good lookin',

and er.. some of them
were a bit potato-faced.

Well, how many babies have I got?

I haven't got any.

Oh, Anita!

Did he come with those carrots?

No.

That veg man. I bet he's
having sex somewhere.

The veg man!

'Course he is.
You only have to look at him.

I don't want to look at him.

You don't need to look at him.

Y'can smell his overall five
minutes before he comes in.

We should get him a deodorant.

He's got a flat head.

We could stick an
air freshener on it.

Can't we? Stick it on his head.
Come here. What? Whack!

Blimey O'Riley!
What are them Jean?

That's a plunge,
that's a super plunge,

and that's an anyway halter.

And what's that?

That? That's a padded balcony.

And is this for anything?

The wedding.

No, baffled, lost in the land of
'no speaky lady talk.'

I have to organise my
daughter's wedding.

I knew that.

And obviously, go to it.

But, oh yes.

In an outfit.

And again yes.

So I have to have a new bra.

No, four faults for a refusal.

He's turning round.
He's having another go.

Why Jean?
Who's going to see it.

Well, nobody is gonna see it.

Take me on Bren.

Show me how a
woman's mind works.

And what is that?

That's the double-D
strapless push up.

No. I'm going to have to go and sit
down and order some brown sauce.

Wanna get a thong, Jean.

Where does the back bit go?

Well it's up your bum, ain't it.

Oh, honestly.

Toast those buns in our
versatile floral thong.

Buns, as in tea cakes.

No, like the excercise video,
Buns of Steel.

Mmm. I'm doing the sequel
to that, buns of lard.

Hello, hi!

Oh, gosh, that reminds me.
I must get some new knickers.

Hello. Not that you need to know
about my underwear situation.

No.

I'm Philippa Moorcroft.

Flipper? He's a whale, ain't he?

Sorry?

Oh, yes.

No, not like the whale.

Philippa.

Is he not a dolphin, Flipper?

Skippy was the bush kangaroo.

Free Willy was a whale.

Do you ever see that?

Tell you what was brilliant.

In the cinema, they showed you
the whole story in the trailer.

You didn't have to bother going.

Sorry.

No. Yes, I'm, eh.. gosh.

I never know whether to say what
it used to be or what it is now.

It's... it was personnel,
and now it's human resources.

And here I am.
This is what I look like.

Anyway, I'm not just here for problems,
though, obviously, feel free.

But I really want to bring a new
slant to the whole work thing.

I mean, why not Scottish
country dancing?

Beautifully clean floor,
Stan. Lovely.

I see what I'm missing as I sit in
my office with my salad sarnie.

When was this?

Well, I was just talking generally,

but on Friday I think it
was a salad sandwich.

- Plain salad?
- Yes.

We do ham salad,
cheese salad, egg salad.

We don't do plain salad.

No, I brought it from home.
I made it myself.

You'd made it yourself?

All right Stan.

Oh, crumbs. Was that wrong?

No, it wasn't wrong.

It's worse than wrong.

All right Stan.

It's just that we normally
do make all the sandwiches.

- You come again.
- Ah, yeah, hang on Stan. I mean...

Sometimes people do bring
their own, you know,

if they got the gluten
type thingy bob.

Or cystitis.

When that went
round the top floor,

they were all coming
in with cranberries.

- Do you know what I mean?
- Oh ya.

This is the cook house.

This is the heart of the factory.

My dad was a desert rat.

His life was saved by a mess tin.

He had it over his face
liking a bit of mince.

Sniper's bullet could've
had his jaw off.

He's had a marvellous life.

He'd been married twice,
taught himself the ukulele

and you bring your
sandwiches to work.

Unbelievable.

He don't mean it.

It's since they put Pam Ayres on
the radio instead of Charlie Chester.

And I wanted trailing
greenery for the reception,

but Keith's anti-ivy.

I didn't know Keith
had an Auntie Ivy!

Did I say about the extra
tea for the fourth floor?

- Yeah.
- Yeah I did, didn't I?

Okay then. See you later.

I don't know how long
I'm gonna be, okay?

No, that's fine.
I hope it's not too...

- Good luck anyway.
- I'll need it.

There's only one woman's realm in
that waiting room and I'm having it.

No. Good luck though.

Cheers.

We still can't agree
about the music.

Bren, your mother.

Bren, are you on your own?

Yeah, I'm just with Jean.

No, that's fine darling.

I'm just needing to go
a bit cautious love.

Have you got any of that
disinfectant spray?

Bren: Oh.
Jean: I'll get it.

Hello Jean, love.

I just need a little morsel my darling,
and could I have a cloth love?

How are you keeping Jean?

Gorgeous shade on
your hair by the way.

Well, it's this wedding.

Oh, and don't I emphasise
they stress you out big time.

Oh, that's it.

I had to organise one
on Honolulu Island

for one of the West
Indian cricketers

and by God it was
a fantastic success.

But I lost all the feeling down
my left hand side from the strain.

Thanks darling.

Bren, next time you're at
the supermarket love,

can you pop this into one of the
wheelie bins round the back?

It mustn't go in the little bin love.

No one must see it sweetheart.

Why? It's not stolen, is it?

No, I have given up that keeper.

My days of receiving
stolen property

to do the boxing fraternity
a favour are well gone.

Can't remember what
I was going to say.

Anyway, the phone lovie,
just need to get rid.

But never mind me.

Wedding.

I'm just trying to think
what to do for the music.

Oh, and I used to know a
fantastic keyboards player.

Really talented, lovely looking
like a black Frankie Vaughan.

Had the girls flocking.

Had beautiful slacks,
tailored specially.

But, like a lot of very well-
dressed people, he was gay.

So, anyway.

He's in Guernsey now.
And, ehh...

Strictly speaking, I can't set
foot on the Channel Islands.

Oh, maybe just some
one at the piano.

Richard Clayderman.

Yeah that type of party.

I can get him.

Do you want him?

Oh no no, forget it.
He's got a dog.

He will travel nowhere
without this damn dog.

Mind you it's a gorgeous pooch.

Shih Tzu.

He tried to give me
one once, I said...

Ricky I love you sweetheart,

but my life style and
the dog's life style

poles apart.

So you see, he can't
just fly over here, Jean.

Because of Sheba.

No, I've had him in tears
from Zurich airport,

saying "I can't get
on the plane Petula."

I cannot leave Sheba.
I said...

Ricky, it's fine.

Just go home, have a Glühwein,

put one of your records on.

I can say that to him.

Oh, we'll sort it out.

Jean, I'm helping.

Don't forget I was in Beirut
with Mandy Rice-Davies.

I understand entertainment
on a shoestring.

Now, this girl...

...is a fabulous entertainer.

No, ignore that.
Ignore the drawing.

She had these cards
done on the motorway.

She must've pressed
the wrong button.

But you see as well
as the stripping,

she plays the accordion.

Oh, I like the accordion.

So is she just like a normal
type of accordionist?

She is lovely, very modest
to look at actually.

Peter Pan collars.

She knows all the
lovely old tunes.

Agadoo,

Coconut Airways,

Shaft.

So, what should we do then?

Shall we call her?
Shall we take this card?

No, I'd better hang onto that.
I'll call her for you.

Sometimes you get quite rough
people answering these phones.

Yeah, but you might not
remember to do it, mum.

Don't break my heart Bren.
Let me help.

I'll be back in
Romania tomorrow,

up an orphanage ladder
with an emulsion brush.

Let me do this for,
what your daughter's name?

Lisa.

There you are.

The little baby they
wouldn't let me adopt.

Little Lisa Louise,

I said what sort of future
she's going to have here?

You've not a bottle in the place.

They just stamped "adoption
refused" on the papers.

I said you're stamping
those letters on my heart.

Let me do this for all our babies.

Bren, can you let me have a couple
of sausages out your deep freezer?

Dolly, we need one more
platter D for the top floor,

they're having a think tank.

Nobody's brought me
those brown rolls yet.

Where's Norman?

Where's Anita?

She's gone for counselling
with that Philippa woman.

She was upset.

She was upset?
That coleslaw was diabolical.

- Tony, can I use the phone?
- No.

Oh, it's about the
bridesmaid's knickers.

Go on then.

Two five to dial out.

Shutter's going up two minutes.

She was upset about
the sextuplets.

She's getting a period.

I've heard it all before, Bren.

No need to call it a mm mya.

Has Norman not brought
them rolls, Dolly?

No, he wouldn't come up the stairs.

He had a panic attack coming.

He was going to sit in
his van as a precaution.

A precaution against
doing any bloody work.

Stan, nip down and see if there's any
brown rolls down by the bins, will you?

Norman's flipped again.

Roger Wilco.

What did you say about sextuplets?

Anita.

I left her a message.

Plain white, high waist, low leg.

Sextuplets?

Bridesmaid's knickers.

Just left. Anybody could've had 'em.

Then what?

Stealing mopeds, hitting women in
their own homes wi' golf trophies.

Norman's having a panic attack, Stan.

Ten years ago nobody have
heard of panic attacks.

And if they have, bloody
bread men didn't have'em.

Shutter's going up!

Bread men have varicose veins
and fags behind their ears.

And what's the soup?

On the menu, it just says soup.

Twink, what's the soup?

Minestrone.

Why didn't you put
it on the menu?

I can't spell it.

Excuse me! Sorry, sorry.

Mum!

I've just left you a message.

Well I'm not there am I?

Well, they won't do.

Is there no gravy?

Who's on gravy?

Both: Anita.

You carry on, mate.
I'll bring some over, okay?

Can you tell me which
one Jean is, please?

Jean!

Hello!

You're looking for entertaiment
for your wedding?

Oh, yeah.

I do bride, policewoman,
traffic warden, gladiators,

Gypsy Rose Lee.

I can't be touched,
I won't sit on laps,

and I won't mingle.

Well, do you play the accordion?

No, I only strip.

Well you could see what a
liability that would be naked,

could trap a nipple.

Is that what you wanted,
an accordinist?

Yeah.

Right. I'll phone my
granddaddy, he plays.

Bye.

Who was that Jean,
and can she make gravy?

A stripper.

Ah, she'll never
have needed to then.

Tony, I want you.

I want you, where's Anita?

She's lying down.

It's dinnertime,
I'm a bod short now.

I didn't think she'd be
able to concentrate.

She doesn't need to concentrate.

Someone says a pie,
you give them a pie.

Anyone who could concentrate
would go barmy.

I really think you should be sensitive
to woman's hormonal ebb and flow.

I am believe me.

Look, I'm not a dinosaur.

I quite like women in a
sad baffled sort of way.

But can we please get a grip.

Out of a workforce of five,
at any given moment,

one'll have premenstrual tension,

one's panicking cos she's not,

someone's having a hot flush,

and someone else is having
a nervous breakdown

cos her HRT patch has
fallen in the minestrone.

That was a one-off.

I mean,

as much as I love working
in a woman support group,

the cold fact is,
this is a bloody canteen.

Have you ever thought of
Scottish country dancing?

Is this a work-related gathering,
can I just ask?

It's a melting pot Stan.

We're just gonna
toss ideas into the pot.

It's a toss pot!

So what I'll do very quickly,
is just free fall if I may.

These are just fun things I've
tried in other places I've worked.

Feng shui,
moving things around.

You're not moving that toaster.

No, that's probably
not very appropriate.

You'll move me first.

Oh leave it Stan.

Thanks.. uh.. Maureen.

Reflexology.

My dad was a desert rat.

He shaved in sand.

That toaster stays put.

Uh, Scottish country dancing.

Think I've mentioned that.

Exploring female sexuality.

I don't think Stan needs
to hear about that.

I didn't think I
look like a Maureen.

You can't shock me.

I was once employed in the
biggest brothel in Islington.

Doing what?

The rewiring.

What was it like?

Well, it was very tricky actually,
cos there was so many wall lights.

They think now that pressure
at work can affect your sex life.

They did a questionnaire.

Are you too busy
to have an orgasm?

Orgasm? I haven't blown
my nose since Wednesday.

Oh, one fun thing we did.

Dressing to reflect the
local ethnic communities.

Eh?

Well, I.. I mean, I
don't mind what I wear.

I think when you're slim you
can carry off a number of styles.

I think we should ask
somebody with bigger hips.

Jean?

You wouldn't want to
wear a saree for work?

What are they playing at now?

Is this for your benefit Anita?

My benefit?

Now, I try and keep an open mind.

I was first in the queue with
rose and pies, for example.

But I can't honestly say

I would want to do heavy lifting,

checking the maintenance of
bisexual ablutions in a saree.

Hang on! We seem to have
gone a little bit astray here.

And you certainly have if you
think some us are called Maureen.

How about if we all learn
to massage each other?

It's marvellous. We used to
do it in one of our offices.

Basically, you sit
round in a circle,

and massage the neck and shoulders
of the person in front of you.

Yes, but suppose you haven't
got somebody in front of you?

Everyone will have
someone in front of him!

How?

Because we'll all be in a circle.

Oh I thought you said
we'd all be in an office!

This would be through your overall?

Oh, yes.

So we wouldn't be naked?

Oh no!

Because some of our
appliances spit fat.

Eh?

They shouldn't do.

Give it time Phlip.

How much time?

I've been to every person in this
factory and all I get is blank looks.

Oh I don't know.

Oh I'll have to think about it.

I sold my flat to come
and be with you Mikey.

And I'm beginning to feel
I've been an absolute nitwit.

They were queuing up in
bands to make candles.

I'll pay for it later,
is that all right?

And you might have told me you
didn't have a washing machine.

So, now we know.

You're all right Jean?

Eh?

I'm just having a gloomy
do about this wedding.

It doesn't feel right
somewhere along the line.

Hey, it's gonna be fantastic.

What you're talking about!

You done your flower,
you got your hat.

You tracked down them vegeterian
slingbacks for Keith's Auntie Margot.

You've done great.

Flippin' heck Jean,
you've done fantastic.

Thanks Bren, I appreciate that.

No probs.

I don't know who thinks
to clean this spatula!

Give it us back then.

Hello! This is a good time?

I'm Carly's granddad.

Is it for dancing?
For the wedding?

Thought I'd give
you a bit of a demo!

Oh!

I just need Stan.
There's a car blocking the gates.

Stan? He's through there!

You've done it!

You've actually
organize it yourselves!

That's fantastic!

I can't tell you what
this has done for me.

I absolutely can't tell you.

Vartan.

Bren, Bren! I can't stop.
I'm blocking the gates.

Well, can you tell me mum
we got married this morning.

She'll take it better from you.

We couldn't face it,
big wedding, tell her.

And tell her I'll call her.
Do you mind?

Bye! Sorry.

You tell her!

Oh, I feel 20 years younger now.

This is sorted.
Thanks for what you said.

You're having the dance?

Yeah.