All language subtitles for QI S02E08 - Bees

(Theme music)

(Cheering and applause)

Hello, hello, hello, hello,\Nand welcome to QI

for another handful\Nof pickled herrings

from the groaning smorgasbord\Nof knowledge.

And joining me tonight in the bistro\Nof bewilderment are -

Rich Hall...\N(Applause and cheering)

..Fred MacAulay,

Jo Brand and Alan Davies.

(Applause)

Well, let's tuck in, shall we? Rich?

(Popping champagne cork)

And Fred.\N(Pouring drink)

Ah...

Jo.\N(Fizz)

And Alan.\N(Burp)

(Laughter)

Naturellement.

"B" is for bottle, Burgundy, barbeque\Nand, as Alan has shown us, burp.

And the start of the day as well,\Nwhich is "biography".

So, this question - who first\Ndiscovered that the world was round?

It's flat, isn't it?\N(Laughter)

Is it gonna be a trick question?\NIt is.

You're cagey from the first.\NRight from the off.

Right from the off, you're cagey.\NAny thoughts?

Copernicus.\NNot Copernicus.

Galileo.\NNot Gali...

Someone with a telescope\Nworked it out.

They would be able to work out\Nthat the moon was round

but the telescope is not that useful\Nfor looking at the Earth.

(Fizz)\NYes?

Is it Len Murray?

(Laughter)

Are you talking about the...\NThe General Secretary of the TVC?

..of the TVC?\NYeah, I am.

Len Murray?\NNot him? No.

No, it wasn't him. In fact...\NHe discovered the potato was round.

He discovered the potato was round.

Was it somebody with a boat?

It wasn't, no. Indeed, it's...

We're talking about something\Nperhaps,

or at least,\Nsomething that isn't human.

A bird.\NNot a birdy.

They fly...\NFish!

..all over the... Fish!\NNor a fish.

Good, though. You're along\Nthe right lines. Whales?

Nor whales.\NDolphins? Sharks?

No, not sea animals at all.\NSea...

Not the sea.\NLand. Land.

A panda.\NBees! Flies!

"Bees" is the right answer!\NUsing their thing and...

Bees. They can reckon on the position\Nof the sun even at night.

Even whilst eating pollen,\Nthey can keep an eye on it.

(Laughter)

Termite mounds go round

in a spiral like that

because as the termites build them\Nin the day,

they stay out of the sun.

So, the sun goes round

and they go round like that.\NStaying cool.

Quite interesting?\NIt is quite interesting.

Very good.\NYes, I know. Well, it is.

It's not about bees, though, is it?

Well, what is about bees\Nis they also have

the most developed magnetic sense\Nof any animal

and if you put a strong magnet\Nnext to one of those, a honeycomb,

it completely changes the shape

into something that's never seen\Nin nature -

a cylindrical-shaped honeycomb.\NIf you put a magnet next to it.

Yeah, but you would be stung to\Ndeath if you did that, wouldn't you?

Well, it's true,\Nit wouldn't be a wise proceeding.

You could wear one of those\Namusing costumes. Yeah.

Can I ask Alan?\NYou know, on a cloudy day,

do the termites really just...

They really motor upwards.\NI bet.

(Laughter)

They probably do. They probably do.

You can see the termite mound\Ngoes swervy

and then, whoop suddenly,\Nand then...

Bees are very interesting animals,\Nor at least, quite interesting.

Most bees,\Nwhat happens when they sting you?

They die.\NNo, they don't. Odd enough.

Only the...\NYes, they do.

Only the honey...\N(Laughter)

Yes, they do.\NOnly the honeybee.

They've got one sting.\NWasps have more than one sting.

No. Only one species of bee...

You're not allowed to kill bees.\NYou can kill wasps, though.

(Laughter)

Only one type of bee,\Nwhich is the honeybee,

leaves its sting behind and dies

but all the other species of bees -\Nand there are many -

can sting you repeatedly.

And, actually,\Nthere are several species of wasp

that die when they sting you.

So, if you're stung by an animal\Nthat has died,

it's more likely to have been a wasp.

I think you'll find that if a bee\Nhas stung me inside my house,

it's likely to die.\N(Laughter)

Exactly. (Laughs)

I'm not surprised.

Honey - Eddie Izzard once observed\Nthat it was very odd

that bees make honey.

"Earwigs," he said,\N"don't make chutney".

Which was...\N(Laughter)

It takes 12 bees an entire lifetime

to make enough honey\Nto fill a teaspoon.

So, the lifetime of 12 bees...

And you go into a supermarket\Nand you see all those jars,

think how many bees have been working\Naway...

And if it's a 125ml jar,\Nit'll take 300 bees.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Fantastic.

What a loss to the accountancy\Nprofession.

(Laughter)

Those are hexagons.\NThey ARE hexagons.

Little six-sided bee cells.\NBrilliant.

Why?\N(Laughter)

But why do they make hexagon shapes?

The hexagonal form\Nuses the minimum amount of wax

for the maximum amount of storage\Nin a given area.

I'll just finish off this thing.

Honeybees have evolved\Na complex language

to tell each other\Nwhere the best nectar is

using the sun as a reference point.

Amazingly, they can also do this\Non overcast days and at night

by calculating the position of the\Nsun on the other side of the world.

This means they can actually learn\Nand store information...

Has it occurred to you that\Nthey may not be using the sun?

(Laughter)

That whoever has worked that out\Nis wrong.

(Laughter)

And he's now saying,\N"Even when you can't see it,

or it's on the other side\Nof the world, they still use it."

And the bees are thinking,

"No, we don't,\Nwe just remember where we live!"

(Laughter and applause)

Why is it so remarkable\Nthat they know where they live?

Well, because they have only\N950,000 neurons

as opposed to our 10 billion neurons\Nin our brains.

But, they've only got one thing\Nto remember - where they live.

(Laughter)

They've got a lot more to remember!

(Applause)

How come I've got 10 billion\Nand sometimes I forget where I live?

Exactly!

Which brings us to our next question,\Nwhich is - why do bees buzz?

(Fizz)\NJo.

Because they can.

(Some laughter)

They buzz so that when\Nthey're trapped in the living room,

you know to open a window.

(Laughter)\NIt's a thought.

Is it to, um, to sound industrious?

Yeah, could be.

You have to look at bees\Nas aerospace workers.

Right.

And... Stay with me.\NYeah, I'm with you.

(Laughter)\NIt's all right. I'm still there.

When you're flying,\Nyou want to make a lot of noise.

Because a quiet aircraft

is...crashing.\N(Laughs) Yeah...

Well...\NI think it's their knees knocking

that makes the buzzing, isn't it?\NBecause they hate flying.

(Laughter)\NTerrified of flying.

What is it that makes the noise?\NThe wings.

(Klaxons)

No. No, it isn't, I'm afraid.

Not the wings, then?\NNo. It won't be the wings.

Ah...testicles?

(Laughter)

Their little tiny mouths. Bzz!

Well, it is sort of little mouths.

It's through what they breathe\Nand they're called spiracles.

They have them down their sides,\Nthrough which they breathe.

All buzzing insects -\Nbluebottles are the same -

it's not the wings.

Less than one percent of the buzz\Ncomes from their wings.

Bees breathe through 14 holes\Nalong the sides of their bodies

and they're called spiracles\Nand each one has a valve

to limit the flow of air,\Nwhich the bee can do,

and they can tune it\Nrather like a trumpeter

sort of using his lips.\NWhat's that called?

Embrouchere or\Nwhatever it's called... Yes.

Embouchure.\N(Laughter)

And in the same way that\None human lung on a trumpet

can fill a vast hall\Nwith a great sound

more than it can\Nwith its own vocal cords,

so a bee can make\Nthis extraordinary noise

just through controlling\Nits breathing.

Isn't science marvellous?\NIt is!

(Laughs)

Are humans the only species\Nthat make unnecessary noise?

Oh, that's an interesting idea.

Nah, dogs. (Barks)

I mean, do you think any animals\Njust sit around and hum, or just...

Whistle?\N(Blows a raspberry)

(Laughter)

Or talk inanely. Alan?

(Laughter)

Do you think that happens at all?

That's why there are no panel shows\Nin the animal kingdom.

(Laughter)

As to other animals\Nalso beginning with Bs,

"Can barnacles grow wings?"\Nis the question.

I do know one thing about barnacles.\NI'm afraid it's rude but...

Go on.

..that relatively speaking,

they have the biggest penis\Nof any existing creature,

which is five times\Nthe length of their shell.

Seven times the length, I've got\Ndown here, but maybe it was...

Oh, you're exaggerating,\Nlike blokes always do.

Typical barnacle.

Well, up until recently,\Nit was thought that barnacles

were the embryos\Nof the barnacle goose.

What fool thought that?

(Laughs) I'll tell you...

It IS a bit silly-sounding.\NThere's a barnacle goose,

which is named "Anser hiberniculae"\Nafter the Latin

and that got shortened\Nto "hiberniculae" became "bernica",

which became "barnacle".

These geese breed in the Arctic

and so no-one had ever seen them\Nmate or lay eggs.

When they arrived in the summer,

at the same time there would be\Na lot of driftwood

coming in off the sea\Ncovered in barnacles

and people just made\Nthe weird assumption

that the barnacles\Nmust be the baby barnacle geese.

But barnacles growing on ships\Ncan increase

the inefficiency by a huge amount.

Barnacles growing on chips?\NShips, dear. Ships.

(Some laughter)

That really worried you.\NOh, it would.

How long would you have to leave\Na chip lying about

for a barnacle to grow on it?

It's not going to happen\Nin my house!

The way they glue themselves\Nto things are very, very tough,

and scientists are currently looking\Nat it as a kind of dental cement.

Better than, you know, Poligrip,\Nor whatever these things are,

that they advertise round about\Nduring Countdown, for some reason.

They always advertise these strange\Nthings taht keep teeth together,

and ways\Nof lowering yourself into a bath.

You know, when WH Auden got old,\Nthe poet...

Oh, yeah, yeah.\NYeah, alright.

This is a good one, this.

When he was old,\Nhe had an incredibly lined face,

really like a native...\NJO: Jowly.

..really, kind of, craggy lines,\Nyou know,

like Chief Joseph,\Nor one of those really, kind of...

..David Hockney,\None of his first commissions...

Painter.\N..yes, well done.

One of his first commissions\Nas a young artists

was to do a series of drawings\Nof WH Auden,

and Hockney just\Ntook one look at Auden, and said,

'Blimey. If that's his face,\Nwhat can his scrotum look like?'

(Groans)

How did Nelson keep\Nhis men's spirits up after he died?

(Bottle of champagne pops)

Did he allow Hardy to use him\Nas a ventriloquist dummy?

No, it wasn't that.

I would think the men\Nwould just be inspired

by the fact that he just\Nbasically slowly dismantled,

instead of dying all at once,\Nyou know?

I mean, there was an arm,\Nthen there was an eye,

then there was, like, a testicle,\Nright?

He's, like, dropping parts\Nlike a Volkswagen.

The thing is, most sailors, when\Nthey die, were thrown overboard -

burial at sea -\Nand he asked not to be buried at sea.

So he was gonna be taken back\Nfrom Trafalgar,

which is, sort of,\Noff the Spanish coast, to Britain.

So what were they gonna do with\Nhis body to make sure it didn't rot?

Put it in beer.

Well, not beer, but brandy, actually.\NWine. Brandy.

He was pickled\Nin a barrel of brandy.

And they were allowed to drink him,\Nwere they?

Well, they weren't allowed to...\NThey wanted to.

..but supposedly,\Nusing tubes of macaroni,

they would have a go at this brandy,

and by the time it got to Portsmouth,\Nthere was no brandy left...

..and a slightly\Nunfortunate-looking Nelson.

And to this day, in the navy, they\Nuse the phrase 'tapping the admiral',

for having a surreptitious slug\Nof anything alcoholic.

You can just picture them\Nwith a macaroni straw,

going...(Slurps.)\N'Ooh! Oh, God. That's the...

..I think that's the other one out!'

'Have we got another patch?'

But, in fact, sadly,\Nlike all these good stories,

it supposedly isn't true.

Now, why are male anglers\Nso pathetic?

(Bottle of champagne pops)\NJo Brand.

Because they like fishing.

Well, yes. Rich?

'Cause they\Nspend �2,000 on equipment,

when you can go to the market,\Nand buy the same thing for �1.89.

There's a good book\Nin this country -

Fly Fishing, by JR Hartley.

Absolutely! The classic.

Why are they pathetic, though?

Well, what we don't need\Nis human male anglers.

There's another type of angler\Nthat isn't human.

Oh.\NAnglerfish.

Anglerfish. Male anglerfish\Ntruly are pathetic.

But you can eat them, can't you,\Nanglerfish? I'm sure I've had one.

Well, there are shallow anglerfish,\Nand there are very, very deep ones.

You wouldn't want to eat that -\Nit's a bit spiny.

I wouldn't go calling that pathetic\Nto its face, I'll tell you.

That's the female.\NOh, right.

The female is very impressive.\NAh.

The male has a sad life. It must be\Nthe feeblest male in nature.

Six times smaller than the female...\NAww!

..when they find a mate, they\Nlatch onto them with their teeth,

and immediately start to disappear -

scales, bones, blood vessels\Nall merge into those of the female,

and after a week, all that's left\Nare two tiny, little testes,

which leak sperm into the female.

I have to say, that sounds\Nvery much like my marriage.

(Laughter)

Your husband has entirely\Nbeen subsumed into you?

He has. And he's six times smaller\Nthan I am.

There are some of those\Nfemale anglerfish

going around with about\Neight testicles hanging off them.

It's like an Essex disco.

'That was wine...'

That thing coming out of\Nthe top of its head, like that,

is why it's called an 'anglerfish'.\NIt's its little rod, as it were,

and it's bio-luminescent -\Nit lights up.

Attracting\Nother innocent, edible fish?

Well,\Nthat's what used to be thought.

They now think it may be the way\Nof attracting the male towards it,

which then gets absorbed.

That brings us on, bio-luminescence,

to what comes from Glasgow\Nand glows in the dark.

(Champagne bottle pops)

Is it Sir Alex Ferguson's nose?

Is it the River Clyde?\NIt's not the River Clyde, neither.

We're talking about food.

Luminous food?\NYes, luminous food.

It's an idea that comes from\Ncreatures like the anglerfish.

Is it a deep-fried Mars Bar\Nwith a torch attached to it?

Deep-fried torch?

Well, you're in the right area\Nwith deep-fried.

What I believe you call\N'carry-outs' - the food to go -

what is the most popular food\Nin Britain, supposedly, these days?

Chips.\N(Glass of water is poured)

Chicken tikka masala.

Chicken tikka masala,\Nwhich was invented in Glasgow.

Oh!\NAnd there is one.

Oh, that's a particularly fine\Nexample of one!

(Laughter)

Maybe a used one, one that's...

..been through the system,\NI have a horrible feeling.

'Morag! Get me a bed of rice.'

(Laughter)

Yes.\N'The children shall eat.'

Well, there is\Na company called BioLume,

which is planning to have food,\Nincluding curry,

that glows in the dark,

using extracts\Nof marine creatures that glow.

And they want to make beer, in\Nparticular, that glows in the dark,

children's fizzy drinks\Nthat glow in the dark.

Chicken tikka masala is not something\Nthat exists in Bangladesh, or India.

The story of it goes

that there was a restaurant\Ncalled The Gaylord, in 1966,

that was the first place\Nto serve a proper chicken tandoori.

In Glasgow, or London?

It became rather popular...no, in\NLondon. Mortimer Street, in London.

And, the story goes,

somebody came into\Na restaurant in Glasgow

where they were serving\Nthis new tandoori chicken,

and asked for some gravy to go on it.

And the chef improvised with\Ntomato soup, and cream and spices.

And up grew this strange creature\Nthat is chicken tikka masala,

that has no definition -

it can be hot, it can be mild,\Nit can be brown, it can be orange,

it can be grey -\Nbut, according to Robin Cook,

is the great British national dish.

Glad to say, I had a curry once\Non the Isle of Man,

where I was doing a gig.

It was served with a cup of tea,\Nand some bread and butter.

Which I think is fantastic.\NDon't you?

Can I just mention that -

since we're being disparaging\Nabout the Scottish diet -

that we don't all\Neat chips every night.

Sometimes, what we do is,\Nwe have some chips,

and leave them aside\Ntill the morning.

And we have them cold\Nthe next day, and that's a salad.

(Laughter)

Deep-fried pizza is the...\Nand the Mars Bars...

It's a myth.\NIt's a myth, is it?

It's not a myth.\NAnd the Mars Bar, as well.

It happened once.

He dropped his Mars Bar.\N'I'm not wasting that.'

He scorched his hand\Ngetting the wrapper off.

(Screams)

Fantastic.

Supposedly do have the worst teeth,\Nand worst hearts in Europe, though,

the Scots, don't you?\NYes.

Oh, your teeth are fine.\NThey're alright, yeah.

I've started a wee company\Nin Scotland.

Using barnacle cement?

Well, they're OK, but the cement\Ncomes off, and the penis comes out.

We run bus trips to Eastern Europe\Nto show Scottish people worse teeth.

Well, while we're in the Balti belt,

where is it possible\Nto live on a diet of smut

without the neighbours complaining?\N(Champagne bottle pops)

In the green room in Channel Five.

'A diet of smut' is the clue,\Nhowever.

Is it some sort of\NNorwegian food, or something?

Not Norwegian. It's called 'smut'\N'cause it's a sooty, black thing,

in its most primitive form.

Caviar? No. Really sooty,\Nand smutty, in that sense.

Bits of coal?\NNo. But a living thing.

Fungi?\NA fungus, exactly. It's a fungus.

Like a little... Why did the mushroom\Ngo to the party?

No! No!\NOh, not that joke.

Why did the mushroom\Ngo to the party, Alan?

'Cause he was a fun guy.

Lovely.

Lovely.\NWhat's wrong with that joke, then?

That's a joke\Nfor, like, an imbecile.

(Laughter)

You know,\Nof, kind of, 0.7 years old.

What's brown, and sticky?\NOh, no...

..I don't know. A stick. Yeah.\N(Laughter)

I'm worried by the audience reaction\Nhere.

What do you call\Na boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.\NA stick.

Do you have any other jokes\Nwhere the punchline's 'a stick'?

Loads.\NOh, right.

What's orange,\Nand sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

(Laughter)

What's red, and silly?

A blood clot.

Oh, don't look at me like that!

You (BLEEP) pig-eyed sack of shit!

(Applause, laughter)\NDon't you do that!

You've spoiled it.

Oh! What's red,\Nand sits in the corner?

A naughty strawberry.

Very good.\NRich: What's green, and sings?

Elvis Parsley.

Now, the smuts.

Smut fungus - Ustilaginales,\Nor something similar -

is found in Mexico. Particularly\Nwhere it's prized as a food.

(Accented) Why did the mushroom\Ngo to the party?

He was a fun guy!

(Laughter and applause)

There we are. (Chuckles)

How do you think the word 'smut'\Nis used to allude to pornography?

'Cause it's dirty.\NWell, where does slut come from?

Essex.\N(Laughter)

So there's a particular slut,\Nthe corn smut, which is edible.

And corn smut's been known to the\NAztecs for centuries as huitlacoche.

And there it is, a picture\Nof an engaging young corn smut,

which has grown a sort of berry,\Nwhich is the bit you eat.

There you are.

Try the magisterial Illustrated\NGenera of Smut Fungi by Kalman Vanky.

It's a hell of a book.

(Laughter)

Uh, so, with that rather obscure\Npiece of information,

let's plunge yet deeper\Ninto general ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

What contains the most caffeine -

A cup of tea or a cup of coffee?

(Burp)

Ah, tea.

(Siren)

(Laughter)

Oh.

In fact, about three times more\Ncaffeine in a cup of coffee

than a cup of tea.

Why did someone\Ntell me it was tea then?

Well, because weight for weight,\Na pound of tea leaves

contains more caffeine\Nthan a pound of coffee beans.

Oh.

But in a cup of same, we get much\Nmore... As we know from drinking.

You know, it's kind of experience.

People always say,\N"Oh, there's more caffeine in tea."

Drink it, you'll get that buzz.

But there's actually\Nmore caffeine in tea?

Weight for weight,\Nbut not in a cup of tea.

Not in a cup of tea.\NNo.

But there is more caffeine in tea.\NYep.

But not in a cup of tea,\Nwhich is the question.

But not in a cup of tea.\NNot in a cup.

Which is what you drink.

You don't tend to just eat\Ntea like that, in huge quantities.

You have a cup of tea,

which has a third as much caffeine\Nas a cup of coffee.

Exactly. Quite right.

What's the only ball game\Ninvented entirely in the USA?

Ball game?\NYeah.

They haven't invented\Nany ball games.

We invented all ball games...\N(Laughter)

..here in England.

Baseball?

(Siren blares)

(Laughter)

No. As Alan rightly knows,\Nit is an English invention.

No, the English\Ninvented that for you.

(Laughter)

It was mentioned by Jane Austen\Nin Northanger Abbey.

Rounders?\NRounders neither, I'm afraid.

Netball?\NNetball, yes. I'll give you netball.

Basketball.\NYou're right, Rich.

Fantastic. Well done.

(Applause)

Basketball and netball\Nwere invented by the same person.

Dr James Naismith.\NUniversity of Kansas.

In fact, he was actually teaching\Nat Springfield, Massachusetts.

Yeah.\NYou got lots of points there.

And he was, in fact, Canadian\Nbut he invented it in the USA. Yeah.

If you'd said lacrosse,\Nof course, that's also a ball game

but it wasn't the United States of\NAmerica when that was invented so...

But there it is, basketball\Nspecifically invented...

The weird thing about it is,\Nyou used an old peach basket.

For 21 years, they played the game

without putting a hole\Nin the bottom of the peach basket.

Someone had to get a step ladder\Nevery time there was a basket

and take it out.

You can't play basketball\Nwith a peach.

No, a peach basket.\NPeach basket, they used.

A basket for peaches.\NA peach wouldn't bounce.

(Laughter)

No, that's right.\N(Laughter)

As a short-arse,

I think there should be\Ndifferent divisions for basketball,

different height divisions.

'Cause, obviously, if you're 7'4",

you've got an advantage\Nover somebody like me.

I mean, you don't put little boxers,\Nlike Prince Naseem Hamed,

in against Mike Tyson.

Oh, I'd like to see that,\NI have to say.

I think there should be\Nseveral baskets you can aim for.

(Laughter)

A really high basket for 10 points

and then a lower basket\Nand then one on the floor.

(Laughter)

Did they invent netball\Nas well then?

What happened was, a woman\Nfrom Louisiana wrote to Naismith

and said, "Uh..."\NWe've got quite a girly version.

One of the stories is she actually\Nmisinterpreted the rules

'cause he laid out the dimensions\Nof the basketball court

and she thought,\Ngiven the various areas,

she thought the players\Nhad to stay within those areas,

which, I believe,\Nis one of the things about netball.

You can't travel.\NYou can't dribble in netball.

Once you've got the ball,\Nyou've got to stand still.

It wasn't as hard\Nas the basketball we played

'cause we would nail the basket\Nto a truck, the side of a truck.

The game went on for miles.

(Laughter)

Can I just say that, that little kid\Nwith the purple shirt

is really beginning to annoy me?

Will you sit still?\NLook, it's... Sit down!

(Laughter)

This is very old footage because...\NThere are white people.

Yeah.\N(Laughter)

Oddly enough, though,\Nvolleyball was invented

in exactly the same college\Nin Springfield, Massachusetts

as netball and basketball.

This guy's number is zero.

There's no confidence at all in him,\Nis there?

(Laughter)

Anyway, I think we've seen enough\Nof that looped game.

It's going to drive us all nuts.

So, what were Nelson's last words?

(Burp)\N(Laughter)

The last words of someone\Nwho sucked at Nelson's body.

(Laughter)

Yes?\NThat's my answer.

That's your answer.

"Kismet Hardy". But did he say,\N"Kiss me, Hardy"?

(Siren blares)\NOh, dear.

Well, whatever it is, it's rubbish.

It's not "kismet"\Nand it's not "kiss me".

"I'll race you\Nto the bottle of brandy."

(Laughter)

"Last one in's a kipper."

Hardy kissed the admiral twice\Napparently -

Once on the cheek\Nand once on the forehead -

when Nelson was struggling\Nto remain conscious.

He then said,\N"God, I've done my duty,"

and then he said -\Nit is rather peculiar -

'Drink, drink, fan, fan, rub, rub."

Those were his last words.

He was thirsty, he was hot...

That was navy lingo for,\N"Give us a quick hand job."

(Laughter)

Those were... According to the\Nreliable witnesses at the scene,

they were all agreed those were...

Why don't you ever hear that\Nat school then?

Because the famous lines that he said\Nare, "Thank God. I've done my duty,"

and "Kiss me, Hardy," but,\N"Drink, drink, fan, fan, rub, rub"...

That's what's wrong with schools.

Final words are not to do\Nwith how interesting they are.

They've got to do with\Nwhat people actually said.

Myths build up, I'm afraid.

Did he say "kiss me," or "kismet"?\N"Kiss me."

It's almost universally agreed\Nhe said, "Kiss me".

The kismet idea is nonsense.\NRubbish.

Yeah. He was hot and thirsty.

So he had his steward standing by

to fan him and feed him\Nlemonade and water and wine,

while the ship's captain Dr Scott\Nmassaged his chest to ease the pain.

If you were to go in a time machine,\Nwould you go there?

You see, people always say, "Oh,\NI'd go here, there and everywhere,"

but you wouldn't go back.

I'd go back and see myself.

Well, that would be fascinating.\NSo would I.

I would go back...\NI had a rolled up ball of socks

and a hamper\Nall the way across the room.

And I just went like that.

Hits the wall, bounces off\Nthe ceiling, off this wall,

back across that wall,\Nright into the hamper.

From, like, 40 feet away.

I would go back\Nand watch that again.

(Laughter and applause)\NBrilliant.

It was fantastic.

I hope that when you die, they\Nplay back something from your life.

Yeah, yeah.\NThose moments. And no-one saw it.

Stonehenge, the erection of.\NI'd go back there.

Yes.\N"Ooh, well done."

(Laughter)

If you'd just waited\Na few thousand years...

Go back with a power drill\Nand a JCB.

(Laughter)

Become worshipped as a god.

(Laughter)

And we've come to the end of the\Nround, the end of the competition.

My last words are not\N"drink, drink, fan, fan, rub, rub"

or anything close to it.

They are l'addition, s'il vous plait.

Let's see how the scores are.

And rather meagre rations\Nthey are too, I'm sorry to say.

Rich scored\Na lightly battered five points.

Which is very good.\NPuts you in the lead.

(Applause)

Fred is next\Non a gently poached four points.

(Applause)

Jo managed a reheated -8 points.

(Applause)

Alan, once again, it's the kebab van\Nfor you, I'm afraid, with -19 points!

(Cheering and applause)

Well, that's all for this week.

I leave you with the thought that

while most of us drink\Nat the fountain of wisdom,

others merely gargle.

From Rich, Fred, Jo, Alan and me,\Nit's goodnight. Goodnight.

(Applause)

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