All language subtitles for Paul Doods Deadly Lunch Break 2022

I'm Paul Dood, and
I'm a triple threat.

I can sing, I can act,
and I sure as hell... No.

I'm Paul Dood, and
I'm a triple...

I'm Paul Dood, and
I'm a triple threat.

I can sing, I can act and
I sure as shit can dance.

I want to get to the top of
the Trend Ladder for my mum

because she's always
believed in me.

I think my mu's always thought
I've got what it takes.

And she just wants
to see me succeed.

So that's what I've got to do.

Paul. What?

Do you want a tea cake?

No, Mum, I'm just
trying to do the video.

How's it going, the video?

It's good. Just
going to finish it.

Then eat.

Toast and marmalade?

No thank you, Mum.

I cut the crusts off.

Actually, I would
quite like that.

Toast and marmalade, then?

Please.

What do you think?

Eh?

I'm on a vocal rest.

What do you think of the video?

It's good. You're
clever, aren't you?

You don't need to
do the vocal rest.

I'm doing the vocal rest.

It's good you're
clever, aren't you?

It's got 14 views on
Trend Ladder already,

so I'm pretty pleased.

Are you OK? Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Right.

What did you think of the spin?

To be honest, I think
the spin's a bit much.

I think less on the spin.

OK?

Do you want to have a
rehearsal? Yeah, yeah.

Right, do your exercises.

One to the left.

Now the vocal ones.

Hip baaa.

Hip baaa.

Oh, no, come on.

Take it seriously.

Hip baaa.

That's it.

Right.

Are you going to
count me? Count me in.

You ready?

One, two, three, go.

And then the spin.

Ah, you're doing too
much on the spin.

The sofa was in the way.

No, it's nothing to
do with the sofa.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Right, I'll count you in.

One, two, three, go.

Welcome to the Belshire
Shopping Centre,

where we cater for all
your dreams and needs.

Could a cleaner please go
to the mezzanine level?

Ther's been a spillage.

I think my mum's always
thought I've got what it takes

and she just wants
to see me succeed,

so that's what I've got to do.

I can sing, I can act
and I sure as shit...

Hey, Paul. Mm-hm.

I've just watched your
latest video on Trend Ladder.

Pretty neat.

Thanks.

It's not, though.
It's pretty shit.

Hiya, mate.

Hello, mate.

I've got some more
stuff I want to sell.

Ahh.

We're not buying
anything, sorry.

Oh, that's a shame. This
is all Old Alfred's gear.

God rest his soul.

All his military stuff,
some valuable items in here.

This is exciting.

Shoe polish.

It's army stuff, isn't it?

Yeah, but empty.

What do you want me to do
with it? Give it to Oxfam.

Don't give it to those pricks.

What about age concern?

Yeah, sure, if you need it.

We'll give you £20 for
whatever's in the box, Trev.

What?

This is his medals. This
is all his military stuff.

I'll give you £20.
Loving the hat, Paul.

It's worth a lot more than that.

Military stuff?

Alfred didn't see
any military action.

If there's any medals,
they'll be from sports days.

£20?

Yeah, £20. That's fine.

All right, it's a deal.

We have a sale.

Alright. £20, yeah?

Nice to see you, Trev.
Yeah, see you soon, Jayney.

A bit of tagging,
perhaps, Paul. Oh, yeah.

Age concern. That's
your house, isn't it?

Is that how it's going to be?

You always bring up the ages stuff
whenever I come in here, don't you?

Not the same when I'm giving your
mum a wash in front of the fire.

Sounds romantic.

I'll be off then.

Love you.

Yeah, love to your mum.

You know, I think he's
killing off these old blokes.

Yeah, well, we know he's
been doing that for a while.

Ah, yes!

A new chest cam. Perfect.

Like a sort of bra camera.

Hey, UK Trenders.

We've had some great
talent here on the show

but at three p.m. today,

we've got our final
regional heats.

Stay with me on Trend
Ladder for all the latest.

Hey Paul,

weren't you auditioning
for that talent show

on Trend Ladder this year?

Mm-hm. Yeah, well,

according to the app, it
says the heats are today.

Uh-uh, nope. They are next week

You should come and
have a look at this.

No, they're
definitely next week.

We've had some great
talent here on the show,

but at three p.m. today...

That's Tapp. Yeah.

That's Jack Tapp.

Really? Yeah.

Is this one of your
jokes? I'm not ready.

It's today, you
fucking doughnut.

I'm not ready.

Jayney, Jayney, the
auditions are today.

Jayney, the auditions...
Jayney, the audition's today.

Oh, God.

Paulie, breathe. Calm down.

You look ever so stressed.
I am stressed, I am.

Do you want to talk about it?

No, the Trend Ladder talent
show auditions are today,

not next week, I
got the week wrong.

The're today. I got the week
wrong. Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah, can I go though?

Well, we're supposed to be having
one of our sessions this afternoon.

We can't just...

Yeah, I know but if I go
now, I'll get there in time.

Please.

Oh, all right. Off you go.

OK, thank you.

I hope it goes well. OK, great.

Yes, thank you.

We can catch up on the
session another day.

Yeah, yeah, great. Thank you.

Just take your
stress with you, eh?

This is panic stations.
This is all systems go.

So what are you
getting, the glitter?

What else? The chest strap on?

How much is that,
please? This and this.

So, the whole rig thing
there, that's £10.

£2.99 per glitter thing.

You've got about,
what, 10 of them there,

so that's like, what,
£29.99, plus £10, £39.99.

£10 is all the money I have.

£10, that buys
you the chest rig.

Just this? Yeah.

Can I owe the shop
for the glitter?

No.

What about just one glitter?

No.

All right, just
this then. £10.

OK, you're going to need to take
that off so I can bag it up.

What?

Shop policy, we have
to bag all items.

OK, bag it. Bag it.

Bag it, bag it.

Hey, look what this says.

Brilliant. That's
appropriate, isn't it?

'Have a nice day', when
you're clearly not.

Please. Chuck her in.

Bag it up. All items
must be bagged.

OK, thanks, Bruce.

Paul, before you
go, quick photo.

Um, OK. Come on, mate. Photo.

All right, sure.
Are you ready?

OK, what do you want
me to... Big smile.

I didn't know it did that.

I thought it was a camera.

Why would you...

Don't forget us
when you're famous.

Welcome to the Belshire
Shopping Centre...

Paul!

Where we cater to all
your dreams and needs.

Hi, I'm a bit loud, aren't I?

Hi, Clemmie.

You've got your
audition. Ah, yes.

Are you in a rush?

Yes. Well, no. Yes, yes.

The geek meet.

Good luck.

Yeah, good luck to you as well.

Ah!

Mum.

The audition's today.

Mum, the audition is today

Paul, you're home early.

The audition, i's today.

Well, I was just
having a teacake.

Do you want a teacake?

There's no time for a teacake.

I got the week
wrong. It's today.

Oh, well the costumes not ready.

What am I going to wear?

Hang on a minute,
hang on a minute.

Now, my costume's
ready. Right, good.

So you wear your
practice costume. OK.

And come down and
have a teacake.

I got the week wrong,
Mum, I got the week wrong.

How could I have done this?

It's one of the basics,
Paul. Get the right day.

What am I going to wear?
What am I going to wear?

Jacket. Paul?

Those

Can you bring my big
coat down, please?

Turn up, light the lights.

The only thing is to
reach those heights.

Hurray! Yes!

All right.

Come on, Dorothy, let's
get you ready for the ball.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

Yes, well, I'll wear my
gold sequinned jacket.

Oh, perfect, yeah.

I don't know what I'm
going to wear underneath.

Oh, we'll find something.

OK, Come on, le's
go. Here we are.

Quick. Turn that thing
up to 11, come on.

We've caught a big one.

OK, let's do this.

Now, watch that step, that's it.

It's a long time
since I've been out.

Oh, I just need my pills now.

My flas's by the front door.

Pills check, water check,
matching awesome costumes...

Check!

Fantastic. All right.

I'm really excited. It's
going to be good, this, Mum.

Come on, then, we'd
better get a move on.

Absolutely. Let's go.

Here we go. Here we go.

Oh, wow, mum, look. What?

Jack Tapp.

Wow. Look at that.

He looks great, doesn't
he? I love that pose.

Thoughtful.

Zooming in. Trend Ladder.

I can't get his face in.

Oh, you should say
hello to the fans.

In this, yeah.

Oh, I've got no lippy.

Oh, don't worry,
we'll do it later.

OK.

Hello.

Oh, Paul. Yeah?

Train.

"The train now standing
at platform 2..."

Oh, I don't know how long that
train is going to stand there.

I'll be OK. It's fine.

There's a ramp. Let's
get you on the ramp.

Oh, yeah, that will be quicker.

Definitely. Oh, no,
no, no, absolutely not.

Excuse me, sir. What?

Hi. Yeah, I just
want to get the ramp

because I want to get
my mum on the train.

You don't have this
badge on, do you?

What? No.

Why is that, do you think?

Because my name's not Jim.

No, it's because you're not

the platform and customer
relations supervisor, are you?

No. I am.

According to railway law,

you are not trained or
qualified to operate that ramp.

Look, I can walk onto the train.

Madam, you are clearly disabled.

I will get that ramp down
for you, don't worry.

Look.

It's going.

Oh, for goodness sake.

You've made us miss it.

The next train into
town is in 35 minutes.

Would you like to
book the ramp in?

Yes.

All you have to do is
phone this number here

and book it in.

Simple as that.

We didn't have to
go through all this.

You could've just
helped us then.

I'm afraid my hands
are tied, sir.

We've got to do
this by the book.

I don't want to, but I have to.

Just respect my job.

All right, Mum? I'm fine.

Are we going to make it?

Yeah, yeah, we'll make
it. We'll be all right.

I'll just call this.

Hello. Hi...

Hi...

I'd like to book the ramp
for the next train, please.

Next train? No problem, sir.

I'll book that in for you.

OK, bye bye.

You wouldn't believe
it, would you?

We'll be all right.

Are we excited to
meet Jack Tapp?

Yeah

When I say 'Trend',
you say 'Ladder'.

Trend! Ladder! Trend! Ladder!

I wonder what these
guys' talents are.

I think we've got a finalist.

It needs to be faster,
though, does it?

Well, I think, yeah, the step
before the spin needs to be faster.

So it goes there.

Remember the quick one.

Are you the guys
that booked the ramp?

OK, well, I'll just
get it down for you.

Do you want me to
help? Sir, please.

Remember, this is for
trained professionals only.

The train's there.

Well, that's the wrong
way round, isn't it?

Come on.

Sir, you're not authorised to
operate this type of machinery.

Can you please just step away?

It's not mechanical, is
it? No, it's just a ramp.

Sir, sir, take a
moment to calm down.

This is dangerous equipment.

If I catch my hand in this, I
could have to take a week off work.

Please stand back.

You've got it upside down.

Madam, if it wasn't for you,

none of this would be
happening, would it?

It's gone, we've
missed it again.

You can't even do
your job properly.

What?

You can't do the ramp.

What did you say?

Come on, Mum, we're walking.

Yeah, unbelievable.

He was so vicious, that
man. He was horrible.

Have you got my pills, love?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's really upset me, that man.

Here you go. Thanks.

Oh, and water. I
need some water.

I can't find the water.

It was in the flask.
I know, I know.

You took it. You saw it.

I saw the water. I saw you with
it. I must have dropped it.

I can't swallow them if
there's no water, love.

No, I know. Because
they're all chalky.

Yeah, I know.

I can't swallow them.
I'm really sorry.

It's fine, we'll just get
some water, no problem.

Where? Well, we'll find
a shop or something.

OK. Easy.

Are you all right,
Mum? Yeah, yeah.

We'll find somewhere,
we'll find somewhere.

Come in, we are open.

Slow down.

I don't speak your language.

Do you understand this?

Atsuko...

there is no honour in surrender.

This is the nature of war.

Welcome.

Come in.

Sorry you all had to see that.

Well, yeah, I just
wanted some water.

Of course,

Sit down, sit down.

Is it OK if I take
it away, please?

You're not here
for a tea ceremony?

- No, no, of course not.
- Sorry.

Of course you're not.
You can't have the water.

Take away.

Huh? Take away.

We did away with
plastic centuries ago.

Is it possible to
get a glass of water?

To sit in?

Yeah, just for my
mum and her pills.

Accepting an offer from
someone without ceremony

is very offensive to my culture.

Your culture?

Well, if we're quick, perhaps.

Quick enough.

Well, I suppose as long
as it's quick because...

Absolutely.

Gets me every time.

Do you know how many bonsais

sacrificed themselves
to make this box?

I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Water...

into cup,

it becomes the cup.

Water...

into teapot,

it becomes the...

Teapot.

Water can pour...

or water can crash.

Be water, my friend.

Isn't that Bruce Lee?

Ancient Japanese warrior.

Well, I think he's
Chinese, actually.

Maybe born in America.

Silence!

OK, right, I think I'll perhaps
just be on my way because...

It is impossible to interrupt
this particular ceremony

once it has begun.

It hasn't begun, has it?

You haven't even
started mixing the...

It's definitely begun.

The Bruce Lee bit
was part of it.

Okay, look. This has
been great, really good.

I've enjoyed that but look,

she's coming back,
she's got a knife.

- Give me the water.
- You're not having it.

Look what you've done.

I don't feel too good.

What shall we do?

Do you want to carry on?

We have to carry on.

OK, Mum.

Are you OK?

Are you sure this is the
way? You're not lost?

No, this is a shortcut.

Paul, Paul.

Nearly there, Mum.

You're so lovely, Paul.

I'm just warming up.

Here's a taxi. Taxi!

Oh, yes.

We might actually make it, Mum.

Amazing. Fantastic.

There he is.

OK, I'll just talk to him.

All right mate, where
are you going to?

Just to the theatre, the
other side of town, please.

OK, do you want to
jump in? All right.

Oh, no, sorry, this is our taxi.

I just got this.

But there's only one
car payer, my son.

I just flagged this.

The priest will be
getting in this one.

I will. We were here first.

But many who were
first will be last.

And the last will
be first, my son.

Amen father. Mark:
10, verse 31.

You heard him now
get out of the way.

What? No, this isn't fair.

My mum's in a wheelchair.

Everyone's mum's
in a wheelchair.

We're going to be
late for my massage.

What! Can you believe
that? He's a priest.

Oh, darling.

Unbelievable. Are you all right?

That's not fair.

Nice and warm in here.

Snug as a bug in a rug.

Well done.

I just love fucking people over.

Nearly there.

I think we missed it.

I'm not feeling good at all.

I'm so proud of you, Paul.

Are you okay, Mum?

That's Jack Tapp. Look.

I need you to analyse this because
it's really freaked me out...

Go on, do us proud.

I was laying there in the
middle of the forest...

Sorry.

And just crying naked.

It's cold.

Jack, Jack Tapp.

Do you mind? I'm having a private
conversation with my life coach.

OK, sorry, yes.

So I...

You're so cool.
Look at that jacket.

Jack Tapp.

Can I call you back? I
can't believe it's you.

Do you mind? I was on a private
conversation right then,

and you just came in here
and started talking to me.

Jack Tapp, it is
amazing to meet you.

What are you doing here?

I'm here for the audition.

No, you're not.

That was like an hour
ago. It's finished.

But you wouldn't believe
the day I've had.

I don't care.

Sorry, Jack, car's ready. Great.

OK, goodbye. Thank you.

No, no, no, Jack, Jack, please

I've had a crazy time getting
here. You wouldn't believe it.

The train guard
wouldn't do the ramp,

then I had to do a tea ceremony,
then the priest took my taxi

and then my mum got ill.

I'm streaming for the fans.

It's going to look embarrassing
if I'm not doing something.

Sorry, did you say
you're streaming live?

Yes.

Jack, he's live-streaming, so...

That's streaming? Remember,
you're a nice person.

Hey, so what's your name?

I'm Paul Dood.

Paul Dood?

Dood. D-O-O-D.

Your name's Paul Dood?
Wow, that's a cool name.

Thank you. Paul, Jack
Tapp has a saying.

I don't know if you're
familiar with it:

Everybody deserves a chance.

That person today...

is you.

You deserve a chance, Paul Dood.

Yes, thank you.

I'm going to give you a chance.

I knew you'd be like
this, Jack Tapp.

Shall we switch
places, Paul Dood?

Yeah.

All right, you come up here
and I'll go down there?

OK, amazing.

OK, let's do it. Let's
switch it up. Come on.

We don't have all day.

OK, just get up there, it's OK.

All right. Yeah.

Let's see what you've
got, Paul Dood.

It's quite special. I've been
working on it for a long time.

I think you've got
something special.

OK, let's see it. You go for it.

I'm Paul Dood, and I'm here
to get you in the mood.

Let's fucking hope so.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I can't believe you
let this guy in here.

You're supposed to protect me
from people like this fucking guy.

You're so fired.
Do you promise?

Fuck me. What is
this, The Karate Kid?

Give him a chance.
H's touching his ass.

Perfectly normal.

If we were in the
States right now,

this guy would not
have made it near me.

He would have been shot.

I think he's quite good.

Yeah, you thought
that coat was good.

I only knew you for a while

I never saw your smile

Fucking hell. OK.

On that note. OK, OK.

Woo! Do you mind if I stop you?

Can you turn off your streaming

so I can give you
some private feedback?

Really? Just turn off.

OK, it's off.

That was the best...

of the worst shit I have
ever seen in my life,

and I have seen some
terrible, terrible things.

I was in a house
fire as a child.

That was a better experience
than what I just saw.

Did you like it...

No, I hated it.

I hate you, I hate your
song, I hate your dance

and I just hate the name Paul,

and you've ruined the name
Dood for me, too, by the way.

Am I through?

You certainly are through as
far as any kind of fame ever.

You're delusional and you're
finished and it's over for you.

And shut up, Gary.

I never want to
see you ever again.

But, I mean, there is more.

No. Paul Dead.

That's what your name
is now Paul Dead.

No, but the thing is...

He's coming over here.

I could talk you through it
anyway, at least show you

and explain because...

Jack Tapp, please,
I've worked so hard.

Gary, get in the
middle here. All right.

Go that way, go that way.

I could show you some photos.

Stay away from me. Stay away
from me. I know Krav Maga.

He doesn't. Please, you've
not seen the best bit.

Seriously, your Tinder
date has fallen asleep, OK?

Please, Jack Tapp.

Dude, have some compassion.

I've got a burger in the
car and it's going cold. OK?

I don't think your
date's asleep.

I think you might need
to call an ambulance.

Now. Let's go.

Gary, come on.

Mum, Mum, Mum.

Mum, are you alright?

Mum!

Are you OK, Mum?

I nailed that spin.

I nailed it.

You'd have been proud of that.

Are you all right, mate?

Is she all right?

Hello? Ambulance, please.

All right there. Stay cool.

Hold on, we just
want to have a look.

Leave her.

OK, do you want to
talk about this?

No, you leave her.

All right, I'll leave
that stuff alone.

We've got quite an
aggressive male.

Yes, it's my mum.

We will care for your mum.
We'll have a look for you.

You cannot.

OK, well, we're not
going to go anywhere.

We had to forcibly
take the deceased.

We're returning with her now.

The doctor told her
she had months left.

But she didn't tell me.

It's such a shame.

How are you getting
on with your list?

I think she just wanted me
to focus on my performance.

Because she always just sort of
wanted to see me succeed, really.

Have you finished your
list of grief objectives?

I don't want to finish
the list, Jayney.

Well, I'm sorry, Paul,

but in my professional opinion, I
think you should finish your list.

They don't just give out
these certificates, you know.

What did they teach you about
revenge on your course, Jayney?

Um, let me just have a look.

There's a whole box of
Old Alfred's stuff there.

Did you know he died too?

I wondered if you'd like
to go and tag it up.

Might make you feel better.

I'll give you a shout
if I find anything.

OK.

Hey, Paul.

You haven't posted any
videos in a while, mate.

What about your poor fans?

No one's messaged me.

Come on, mate.

"Paul, Paul, Paul,
what are you doing?

"What are you up
to? What's going on?

What's happening?

I'm just pricing up.

Tagging up stuff
from Alfred's box.

Man, isn't it amazing?

Someone's whole life is
just reduced to this box

And you're tagging
it up. It's tagged.

"Whoa."

Oh man, Paul, have you
seen what the tags say?

It says that on
all of them, mate.

Have you twatted the whole shop?

Paul.

Why would you do that?

Hey, Paul. I didn't do it.

If it was me, I'd
put the C word on it.

It was you. I've got
video evidence it was you.

Oh, come on, Paul.

Paul, I'm joking around.

Paul, come on.

"He's even put Twat
on the police car."

I'm Paul Dood and I've just
started my lunch break.

"Some of you will know about the
events that happened last week

"that led to the
tragic death of my mum"

and to me failing to
reach the second round

of the Trend Ladder talent show.

The next train into
town is in 35 minutes.

Would you like to
book the ramp in?

Is it possible to
get a glass of water?

To sit in?

Everyone's mum's
in a wheelchair.

For too long, the strong have
trampled the weak and timid.

If it wasn't for you, none of
this would be happening, would it?

"But the timid's time has come.

"And I'm going to set
the record straight."

Jim, you've reached the
end of the line, scumbag.

Oh, no.

Dishonour this.

Yes.

That's them there, driver.

Perfect. Thank you
very much for that.

I'm definitely giving
you five stars.

Thank you, goodbye

I'm so bored.

Name...

Paul Dood.

Paul D...

You.

No.

No.

See what your fans think
of this, Jack Tapp.

On this lunch break, I am
going to right all the wrongs

that have happened
to me and my mum.

You forgot to flush, mate.

'The next train into
town is in 35 minutes.'

Stupidity.

The priest will be
getting in this one.

I will.

I hate you, I hate your
song, I hate your dance.

Hey, Paul.

Hey, Clemmie.

I saw your video.

Ah.

It was good.

Yeah? Thanks.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

I'm sorry about your mum.

Thanks, Clemmie.

The train now arriving
at platform 2...

It says here that you
bought this ticket

with a senior citizens railcard.

Yes, that's right.

But you don't have the card.

I'm sorry, I must
have left it at home.

Well, if you don't have the card,
then I can't tell if you're eligible

for the senior citizens'
discount, can I?

I'm 86 years old.

I don't know that, do
I? You could be anyone.

The only thing you can do is
go back home and get your card.

But I'll miss the train.

Well, you should have thought of
that before you came out then.

Surely...

Go home, get your pass.

Jim.

Oh, it's you.

It's the end of your line.

I'm dealing with a fare, mate.

It's the end of the line.

It's the end of the line.

Oi!

Fuck you, you little prick.

Oi, come back here!

Sorry.

By the laws bestowed upon
me by rail governors,

I command you to stop.

Oi, you little prick.

I didn't mean it.

Come back here.

"Sorry. Leave me alone."

This is a citizen's arrest.

Get off.

"Come back."

I know the law and
you're breaking it.

You're under arrest.

What do you want?

This is a citizen's arrest.
I've called the police.

I didn't mean it.

"Come back here."

Paul.

Paul's still on lunch.

Jayney, if you look after
the counter for a bit...

I didn't say you could
go on lunch, Bruce.

I'm not eating.

But Brucey...

Leave me on my
own, why don't you?

Yeah, I know.

We should take our
custom elsewhere.

I'm never going
to go there again.

No, I wouldn't if I were you.

Are you all right?

Yes, thank you.

Did you fall off
your skateboard?

Yes, I did.

Let's help him.

No, no, no, no.

He looks like one of
them flashers, Mary.

I am.

You what?

That's what I am. I'm a flasher.

I'm having a practice
and you've interrupted.

If you don't go away, I'm
going to get my dick out.

How disgusting.

Come on, Mary.
Can't frighten me.

I've seen plenty of
willies in my time.

Not as big as this.

Oh, you're just as bad as he is.

I'm getting it out.
You better run.

Your mother would
be ashamed of you.

Clemmie.

Why are you sitting in the dark?

Have you seen
Paul's latest video?

What the hell is he doing?

Clemmie.

Great chat, Clemmie.

Very informative.

God, you're weird.

You know what, you and
Paul... fucking odd.

Come on, Paul.

Are you OK?

You.

The water thief.

What have you done to her?

There is no honour in defeat.

I am bankrupt.

Tea and tradition have perished.

You killed her.

The shame of failure
belongs to us all.

You're a psychopath.

This is for mum.

Oh, shit.

OK, and what was he wearing?

Sequins. It was more like he was
an ice skater than a skateboarder.

And what colour sequins?
What colour sparkles?

They were blue at the
bottom. Just shiny.

Pink, like he escaped from
the circus or something.

OK. Thank you so much for all this
information as well. It's great.

Are you an actual police officer

or just one of them
sort of community ones?

I am a community
support officer.

Oh, dear, that's
a shame... Is it?

Because they don't really
take you seriously, do they?

Oh Lisa, that's a point.

Hold on! There he is!

That's him! You dirty
git! Get out of here!

I've got a flasher in the park.

The coppers are coming!

White male, mid 40s,
sparkly jumpsuit.

Can you repeat that? Over.

Suspected flasher in the park.

He's mid 40s, he's white, he's
wearing a sparkly jumpsuit.

Copy that.

Can I just confirm that
you said sparkly bodysuit?

What, like Ziggy Stardust?

Yeah, affirmative.

What's your location?

I'm on Lewis Street, but I've
lost eyes on the suspect.

Would you say you're
under under pressure?

Shut up, Steve.

How far off is back-up?

Don't worry, don't worry.

We'll help you catch
this rebel rebel.

Idiot.

What an idiot.

This is for mum.

"SCREAMS"

Jayney.

What?

Come here, please.

I'm really busy, Brucie.

Jayney, you've got to see
this. I'm watching Paul.

Porn?

Porn?

Why the hell would I be
watching porn at work?

It's Paul, with a luh.

You know, the weirdo
who works here?

What is it? What do
you want me to see?

It's this Trend Ladder thing.

You're saying this is Paul?

Yes, it's Paul.

It can't be Paulie.

Keep watching because it
gets worse, much worse.

"This is for mum."

"SCREAMS"

What?

He told me about these
people, Paul did.

What?

They're the people who made
him late for his audition.

The guard and the tea bloke.

And what did he say?

He asked me what I
knew about revenge.

And what did you tell him?

OK.

"This is Paul Dood.

"Paul Dood's deadly
lunch break."

Some of you might have
seen what's going on.

"It hasn't gone... I mean,
some people have died.

"The police are after me."

So I'm just...

I can't do it anymore. I'm
not a winner, I'm a loser.

"Paul Dood signing
out. That's it."

OK, I give up.

That's it, it's over.

I surrender.

Take me, it's over.

I give up.

Come along, Donald.

We'll leave the crazy
people to themselves.

I think he's a bit of a nutter.

Working on my backwards walk

Walking with no shoes or socks

Do you think I could
ever win one of these?

Oh, you're much better
than any of them.

Thanks, Mum.

If I won one of these,

with the prize money I would
get you a luxury bungalow.

Like the best bungalow

The flattest bungalow
that money can buy.

And an electric chair.

An electric chair so I
don't have to push you.

'LAUGHS'

Why didn't she tell us, Rocky?

Why didn't she tell
us she was so ill?

I know I miss her, too.

It'll be OK.

What do you mean you
showed him quotes?

Well, there was nothing on
the website about revenge.

What website?

My psychotherapy website where
I get my certificates from.

What have you been
doing with Paul, Jayney?

Practising.

'If you lose a big fight, it
will worry you all your life.

It will plague you until you get your revenge.'
- Muhammad Ali.

Mmm.

'Revenge is sweet and not fattening.'
- Alfred Hitchcock.

Why did you show him these?

There was nothing on
the website, so I...

What else did he say, Jayney?

Who else is he going
to get revenge on?

There was something
about a priest.

Jayney, you've really shat
the sheets on this one.

And I say unto you

let me be kind to
the weak and unable.

Allow me to deliver
myself from evil.

And prepare thyself
for the second coming.

That was a bit of a mouthful.

"It's Paul Dood.

"Paul Dood's deadly lunch break.

"Some of you might have
seen what's going on.

"It hasn't gone... I mean,
some people have died."

I've come to say goodbye, Rocky.

I'm going to make things right.

Is that the sleeve?

Well, it could be the sleeve.

But, you know, the whole costume
is that bright green colour.

Yeah. Wait for it.

Ta-da.

That's brilliant.

Yeah, they really
go, don't they?

Yeah.

I can't wait for your audition.

I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, Mum.

You do want me to
come, don't you?

Yeah, of course. I
can't do without you.

We're a team, aren't we?

What do you think?

Yeah.

Yes, that's correct, Officer.

Yeah.

I wouldn't say friend.
More work colleague.

Yeah.

The videos. Yeah.

We've seen them.

On Trend Ladder.

His video's in the top 20.

OK.

Yeah, I'm sitting opposite her.

Here she is.

Hello.

Yeah, yeah, it was
me he spoke with.

But I didn't tell him to do
it or anything like that.

I just showed him some quotes.

Well, he said something about
a priest who stole his taxi.

Ground control to Major
Miles, do you copy?

Go ahead.

Right, so there's been
some ch-ch-ch-changes.

Give it a rest.

No, no, I'm being serious.

Your suspect matches the
description of our man

who's wanted for two
potential homicides.

What? Ziggy Stardust?
The flasher?

Apparently.

There's going to be a squad car
coming to meet you very soon.

Yeah, I can see it. It's here.

Right, I need to get
you to St. Mary's Church

as quickly as you can.

We've reason to believe that his
next target might be the priest.

I'd better get there before
another one bites the dust, eh?

No, that's not Bowie.

Right.

All right?

Yeah, not bad.

We off?

Yeah.

Did you know Another One
Bites the Dust isn't Bowie?

Really? Yep.

Raising money for the church
roof. Please give generously

Church roof.

Father, could I have a word?

Yes.

Some of us are becoming increasingly
concerned about the progress,

or rather the lack of progress,

in repairs to the
roof of the church.

My son, all we're asking
for is just a little more

from each of our
generous partners.

Raising money for the church.
Please give generously.

A number of us have already
given very generously

Mm-hm. Yes.

I myself, I've given
three thousand pounds.

Again, I say unto you,

it is easier for a camel to
pass through the eye of a needle

than it is for a rich man to
enter the kingdom of heaven.

Amen, father, amen.

Amen. Amen.

Father, people are asking
for their money back.

We haven't even seen any plans.

God doesn't give refunds.

Of course, but we just need
some kind of reassurance

that work will be starting soon.

Amen.

Builders. The workmen.

They're here to...

To fix the roof.
Tarmac the road.

And then fix the roof.

Tarmac the road
then fix the roof.

Have you been paid yet?

No, not yet.

I might go and nick their little
collection box in a minute.

Ty.

So are you giving or are
you wasting our time?

Amen.

Just a couple of pound.
A couple of pounds.

Sorry. It's fine. Lovely.

May the Lord be with you.

Two pounds. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you. God be with you.

Fucking idiot.

Raising money for
the church roof.

Selfish cow.

Have you seen this?

Oh, mate, that's mad.

I know. Is it real?

Yeah, it's on Trend
Ladder. Did he kill him?

Yeah, that's Paul Dood.

Who's Paul Dood? Oh
mate, that's him!

Shit! Fucking Nora!

Money...

Father.

What do you want?

My son, what is the matter?

You're going to pay
for what you've done.

Do I know you?

Are you from the parish council?

Devil, be gone.

OK, there is no church fund.

No!

It was a lie, but I promise

we'll give back the money
to the parish council.

Out! Sequinned demon!

Good on you, Kath.

Kath.

Kath.

Help. Kath, help me.

Get the buttons.

Buttons?

Quick.

I don't deserve to die.
I'm a man of the convent.

No, no, no. Help. Help.

Get off!

Help me! Get the fuck off me!

Get off me, you paedophile!

Fuck.

Oh, shit.

Shit. What are you looking at?

Oh, great. Paul Dood
has marked himself safe

in the local terrorist incident.

Well, that's good.

Jayney, Paul Dood is the
local terrorist incident.

Oh, look, Lisa, he's
a bit of a hunk.

Come on, you. Are
you done? Come on.

Oh, look, we see
them on the telly.

In that Silent Witness they've always
got those things on, haven't they?

Now, what's going to
happen next, I wonder?

Never seen anything like that.

It was the pervert what done it!

He said he had to smash
his head in with a crowbar

because he was using
too much teeth.

Too much teeth?

You know...

Oh, Lisa...

OK, yeah.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS

Clemmie.

Clemmie, Clemmie.

There's been a
spillage in the shop.

Can you come and help, please?

Yep.

Who's Paul going to
kill next, Clemmie?

Who's next?

Where's the spillage?

Listen to me, Clemmie.

Why is Paul Dood
killing these people?

Clemmie!

You've seen the videos.

Yes, I've seen the
videos. They're brutal.

Not those ones. The ones before.

What do you mean,
the ones before?

She's seen how
people treat Paul.

What the hell is
she talking about?

They deserve what they get.

They deserve what? What
the fuck is happening here?

Who's he going
for next, Clemmie?

Isn't it obvious?

Well, obviously it's not.

Clemmie.

It's Jack Tapp.

Who?

F-F-S, Jayney.

Well, I don't...

Jack Tapp, the Internet guy.

Where's the spillage?

There is no fucking spillage.

OK? See ya.

Hey, who's this guy?

I'm a huge fan. Oh, are you?

Can you sign my autograph book?

What is that?
That's not my book.

I collect autographs in it.

What's your name? Mac.

Mac. The rules here, Mac, are
you buy a book, I sign the book.

You go away back to your home and,
you know, get on with your life.

I don't have any money.

Well, I'm sorry about that because
I can't actually give you a book.

This costs me money,
so you've got to buy.

Can you not just sign
mine? I can't, I'm afraid.

You can find me on the
road some other time and,

you know, we can
rectify this problem.

Thank you. Sorry, Mac.

Aww, Mac. Bye, Mac.

Hey, how's it going?

Good, thank you. You've
got a book for me to sign?

Um, no. No?

Do you want a
book? Yes, please.

Can I give her a book?
If you give her a book...

She's so pretty.
What's your name?

Yasmin.

OK, Yasmin. So what
are you doing, Yasmin?

What's happening around
here? Where's good to go?

I'm just glad to
come and see you.

You can give your number
to Gary. Just see me after.

OK, thanks.

OK, Yasmin. Fucking hell.

"Well, the man known
locally as Paul Dood

"is believed to be on a rampage
after failing an audition.

"Joining me, a couple of ladies
who I think are eyewitnesses.

"So what happened and
what did you see?"

"Is it going out live?" "Look,
there's the camera, see?"

"Ladies, what did you see here?"

"Well, it was more the
body. We saw a huge body."

"We were just coming home
with our shopping, weren't we?

And then he just
got his dick out."

That's not true, actually.

That's utterly wrong. I
threatened to get my dick out.

Just to get rid
of those old bags.

And I didn't fail the audition

because they didn't give me a
chance to do it in the first place

That is fake news.

What do you want from us?

Just... I don't... Bacon
sandwich to take away.

I'm sorry, I'm out of bacon.

What?

OK. Forget it.

Can you believe that? It's
on the news. That is lies.

Do you know what I
mean, mate? Lies.

And you need to sort out
your disabled access.

It's utterly appalling.

Look what you made me do.

Absolute farce.

I will not be back. No bacon.

"and some amount of
forensic activity,

"but that's all we can
report here from the scene.

"Now back to you in the studio."

"Thanks very much."

Yeah, yeah, you're good, yeah.

This one's going to be a
nightmare to clean up, isn't it?

What does it look like?

You know when a sausage
bursts its skin?

It's a bit like that.

Right, sir, you say
that you recognised him?

Yeah. Where from?

I saw him on the telly.

On the telly? Yeah.

You hadn't met him before
or seen him in the street?

No, no, never.

So only from the telly?

Just on the telly,
but I knew it was him.

You knew it was him? OK. Yeah.

Do you have one of those clean
up guys, like in Pulp Fiction

to, you know, clean up
blood and guts in that?

Winston Wolf.

Sorry, what?

That's what he was
called in Pulp Fiction.

Can you just rewind that
last bit for me, please?

Description wise, let's
say I'm 6"4, because I am.

Look at my hand.

When it reaches the
height of the suspect,

I want you to say stop'.

Watch the hand.

You stop me.

I will. Which is the height?

Keep looking at the
hand, don't look at me.

Was he smaller than this?

There.

Are you wasting police time,
sir? No, that's how tall he was.

Was he a child? No, he
was in a wheelchair.

What?

"We now have additional news
from the developing situation

"with the murder in Finchmere,

"which has gone viral
on Trend Ladder."

What's that? That's
his wheelchair.

He had a wheelchair
for some reason.

It was definitely a
wheelchair, was it?

Not, like, a shop
mobility scooter?

No, it was a wheelchair.

So the gentleman was disabled.

He might have stolen it.

You can't accuse him of
stealing something, sir.

How do you know that?

Suspect is now in a wheelchair.

I repeat, suspect is now in a
wheelchair in disguise. Over.

"He's wearing a brown coat
and he has a samurai sword."

"Reports are coming in,

"he is dressed in a sparkly, spangly,
tight-fitting green unitard."

Dispatch to all units, the
suspect has been spotted

entering the Belshire
Shopping Centre.

Repeat, the suspect
has been spotted

entering the Belshire
Shopping Centre.

What are you doing, Paul?

Paul, Paul, Paul.
What are you doing?

What are you up to? What's
going on? What's happening?

"Just pricing up."

"Tagging up stuff
from Alfred's box."

Mummy, I want it.

Oh, God, not another
one, darling.

You've got so many at home.

But I want it.

But you'll have to carry
it all day long, darling.

Actually, you'll
have to carry it.

How much is it? She
can't have another one.

Daddy, can you please tell mummy
that I hate her with all my heart?

Darling, she said
to tell you that...

Isn't it amazing that
someone's whole life...

is just reduced to this box?

And you're tagging it up.

Do you have anything more realistic?
This seems a bit far-fetched.

It's a comic book, it's
meant to be far-fetched.

A bit much for me.

Try a fishing manual.

We've got one over there.

OK. Pretty realistic.

Paul, have you seen
what the tags say?

It says that on
all of them, mate.

I think this might
be an American book.

The fish look different.

I couldn't give two wanks
where your fish are from, mate.

Have you twatted the whole shop?

Why would you do that, Paul?

I didn't do it.

If it was me, I'd
put the C word on it.

Fuck.

Paul, did you have
a nice lunch break?

I did, actually,
Jayney. Yes, thank you.

Where's Bruce? Um.

Hi, Paul. Clemmie!

What are you doing here?

Waiting for you. Are you?

That's nice.

Where's Bruce, Clemmie?
He's hiding down there.

Thank you.

Bruce.

Bruce.

Bruce.

Fuck you very much, Clemmie.

Bruce.

Police!

Drop you weapon, sir.

Drop the weapon now.

OK.

Slowly. It's cool.

What are you doing?

OK, everyone stay calm.

Where's Bruce?

Bruce.

I don't want to die.

I don't want to die. Oh, for
God's sake, get up, Brucey.

Hi, Paul.

OK, Paul. Listen to me.

I need you to be calm, OK?

You made me miss the audition.

Come on, Paul.

We were just messing
around like normal.

You know me.

I'm a fucking idiot.

OK Paul, you wanted
to audition, right,

for the Trend
Ladder show? Yes.

That's great. What was your act?

Quite hard to describe.

Music, dance, singing based.

But my mum, she wanted to
see it but she didn't really.

I'm so sorry to hear about
what happened to your mum.

I really am

but do you think she
would have wanted this?

Not quite.

But she wanted to see me
audition for Jack Tapp.

She did I think,
but I wasn't ready.

Are you ready now?

Yeah. OK.

Well what if I was
to get Jack Tapp here

and you was to audition again?

I mean, would you release
some of the hostages then?

Yeah.

They could go. Um.

Weird man could go. Great.

Clemmie could go.
I want to stay.

Do you?

OK, that's great.

Paul, I'm going to go outside.

I'm going to get
hold of Jack Tapp.

I need you to apply
full pressure to that.

Please don't take your hand off.

If you do, you won't
get to audition.

OK? Good point.

I'm going to get Jack
Tapp. I'll be back.

Just stay watching. Thank you.

How are you? Very
well thank you?

It's very good to see you.

And you.

Look, whatever it takes, we
need to get Jack Tapp down here.

Absolutely not.

He said that he's going
to release four hostages

if we can Jack Tapp down here.

I understand that but...

it can be quite difficult.

He's got a hand
grenade and a sword.

I'll figure something out.

Who wrote this?

Would you like some tea?

No one wants a cup of tea in
this fucking situation, Jayney.

They might do.

Exciting. Keep...

I feel sick.

His video's like number
2 on Trend Ladder.

What? Number 2?

Yeah. How?

I don't know, everyone's calling
for you to go down there.

Why would I do that? There's
no benefit in that for me.

For the hostages.

Like I said, there's no
benefit in that for me.

You could be the hero.

I could be the hero. Yeah.

Yes!

I could be the Super Jack.

Super Tapp. Tapp Man.

Tapp Man and Gary.

No, Super Tapp and Gary just
doesn't roll off the tongue.

It sounds lame.

You could be Dog Boy, or
Super Tapp and Grey Guy.

Grey Guy. Grey Guy
then, let's have it.

OK, perfect. Thank you
I will see you soon.

Alright, thanks.

Excuse me. Set up a perimeter
50 metres further back.

Alright? I don't want
anybody coming any closer.

"Close all shops, shutters
down, shutters down. Copy that."

'Police are locking
off all areas

'and have shut down the
Belshire Shopping Centre

'where there are now
several hostages involved.

'The wild man who has been
identified as Paul Dood

'is now demanding to
audition for Jack Tapp,

'who is in the area
for a book signing.'

OK, where's...

Gary? Stand back!

Where's Gary?

Gary?

Is Gary there? I'm here.

Oh, Gary.

Those English cops.
Have you got my snacks?

I've got nothing on me, mate.

I need my snacks, Gary.

I'm going to get hungry.

You know I eat 17 times a
day in very small amounts.

I know how many times you eat.

Paul, you're number
1 on the Ladder.

What?

No pressure then!

"Ground control to PC Miles.

"Armed response are on the way.

"They're going to deal with
him when they get there."

Listen, you don't
need to kill him, OK?

He's co-operating. Just
give me time, please?

"Thanks for holding the fort.

"There'll be a promotion
for you in this."

Hip baaa.

Hip baaa.

Hip baaa.

Jack! Jack!

Everything's OK. It's
all taken care of.

I'm going to get in there
and save the day, guys.

All right, all right,
keep it calm, OK?

Listen guys, you can
watch me on the video, OK?

Go online and you can catch
everything on there, OK?

OK, let's do it.

Just one other thing.

Um, thanks everybody
for watching this.

This is a really dangerous
thing that I'm doing.

Just hang on a second, OK!

I think I left
something in the car.

There's nothing in the car mate.

But isn't there
some water in there?

- I can get you water.
- We've got water here.

You've got water?
Yep, come on.

Did somebody say they wanted
a selfie with me or something?

Me!

There's no time for a selfie, mate.
You've got to save the people.

He won't let them go unless
you go in, so come on, please.

Sorry, guys.

I'll be back later for a selfie.

OK, he's just in the shop
here. He's in there, is he?

I can't do this. Sorry?

Tell me, tell me, OK

Do I really need to go in there?

You have to go in there, Jack.

But what if I just
watch it from out here.

What's the difference? Why
do I have to go in there?

Just be the hero, like we said.

Sorry, Jack. I just... I
don't fucking care, OK!

Don't fucking shout at
me, you little prick.

Are you a real cop or what?

What's he doing?

What's he saying?

"I don't fucking care!
Have you seen that guy?

"He's already auditioned for
me once. He fucking sucks.

"He's a fucking loser. Look
at the way he's dressed.

"He looks like Ziggy Housedust.

"How old is he, like
40? He does not have it.

"He fucking sucks, OK.
He's a fucking loser."

He's a fucking zero.

Fuck you! You go in
there. You fucking die!

You've got no fucking talent.
You're never going to make it, OK?

Oh, brilliant. Wonderful.

They've all got that.

So shall we go in
now and save the day?

You fucking moron.

You've got to come back.

I've got to get out
of here. No you don't.

I'm having a panic attack. Gary!

"Gary. Fuck you, Gary."

I don't think you're
a loser, Paul.

I don't think that either, Paul.

Yeah, neither do I, mate.

I'm sorry if I've ever
made you feel that way.

I mean, could a loser
kill four people?

And maybe even seven more?

On one lunch break?

What the shit, Clemmie!

Jack Tapp thinks I'm a loser.

Yeah well, he's a loser.

Who cares what he thinks?

It's they you should care about.

That terrified family?

No, Paul, your audience.

Yeah, man, you're number
1 on Trend Ladder, Paul!

And they're expecting a
hell of a performance.

Mummy. Yes, darling.

I want to be number
1 on Trend Ladder.

OK.

Let's do it.

Go on, Paul. Show them
what you've got, Paulie.

What the! It's OK.
I've got strong knees.

Paul Dood, Paul Dood.

Paul Dood, Paul Dood.

Paul Dood, Paul Dood.

Paul Dood, Paul Dood.

This one's for my mum.

Paul Dood's going to
get you in the mood.

I only knew you for a while

I never saw your smile

Until it was time to go

Time to go away

Sometimes it's hard to recognise

It comes as a surprise

And it's too late It's
just too late to say

Too late to say

We'll always be together

However far it seems

We'll always be together
Together in electric dreams

We'll always be together
However far it seems

We'll always be together
In electric dreams

Paul Dood, Paul Dood.

Was that on camera? It's
all on camera, mate.

Fuck!

I walk along the avenue

I never thought I'd
meet a girl like you

Meet a girl like you

With auburn hair and tawny eyes

The kind of eyes that
hypnotize me through

Hypnotise me through

And I ran I ran so far away

I just ran, I ran
all night and day

I couldn't get away

And I ran, I ran so far away

I just ran, I ran
all night and day

May you walk with faith.

Amen.

Something about Corinthians.
I can't remember.

Sort of tangled in my belt.

Don't worry love. You'll
make it. You'll get it.

Can't take you anywhere, can I?

Hey mother fucker.

Is this live?

You're live on television.
We're going to be on the telly.

You're on the telly now. Oh
look, there's the cameras.

Jack Tapp.

Fucking such a dick.

Shit in my mouth.
Jesus fucked a goat.

What is happening here?

Is he going to be
sick? No, no, no.

Money. Church roof.

Sorry!

Money!

Get one of these
or one of these.

How dehydrated are you?

Got you.

Come on in.

Come on.

See what your fans think
of this, Jack Tapp.

I'm going, Gary, I'm going.

Gary, hold me.

Sorry. Up you get.

It's not working now.

It's all broken. You've
ridden it too much.

You've ridden it too much.

Mummy... Time to go.

I want another go.

Take this and write
your name on it.

One to go for...

- I don't want to be a problem.
- One for Alvin Stardust.

- I'll just drink it.
- Only drinks water now.

You shame me. You
look ridiculous.

Right.

And I really like what
you've done with your eyes.

- Thank you, it...
- It really brings out your stupidity.

'Does you mum make scones?'

Yeah. 'Yeah?'

'Is her scone moist?'

Yeah. 'Really moist?'

Really moist.

'Yeah? You like eating
your mum's scone?'

Yeah.

So, £20 isn't it? Uh, no.

£10 if you take the tits.

Yeah, there's a lot of fond
memories attached to those.

Really? Yeah, and
you get the tray.

Yeah, but that's £5 a boob.

Bargain. Yeah, nice quality.

Bargain boobs.

What's his talent?

Are you the talented one,
or is he the talented one?

He's the talented one.

- He is?
- I'm just his dummy.

Thanks, Arnold.

Because I'm off to
an audition, you see.

Yeah, an audition.

Are you sure you're
not sat in a 70s car

cracking the big case

Taking photographs
of cheating husband?

Big private eye with P on, Jack.

- But it's not...
- Big giveaway.

It's Paul.

What, in case you
forget your own name?

What does it look like?

Like when you throw a
condom off and it just...

sticks to the wall.

A bit like that.

Like a cheese
grater on like a...

banana.

Or like that time Gazza
burst his banjo string.

When you fucked that kebab.

Messy.

I feel sick.

Would Paul like a hash brownie?

Or a cupcake?

- A water.
- Would Paul like Speech lessons?

- This is a bit strange.
- Does Paul need toilet?

I'm a bit nervous.

Look at it. It's really
big, it's on my leg.

He's got his dick out, no.

Don't look at it.

It's too big to get out.

Co-op on the road.

What do you think about that?

The guys.

All right, take 2.
We're cutting there.