All language subtitles for S01E13 - Investigative Journalism.en

welcome back!

- Hi.
- Hello.

What did you do over break?
- Hi.

- Oh, it was so awesome.

Me and abed played
this video game.

It is so dope.
It's a whole city.

- You can drive anywhere.
- You can rent an apartment.

- You could do your taxes.
- But don't get audited

'cause that's bad.

- You could even enroll
in community college.

- Right now it sounds
as boring as real life,

But it is not.

- Vacations are wasted
on the young.

You guys gotta get out there
and see the world at some point

Or you're gonna miss
your entire lives.

- Where did you go, britta?
- Amsterdam, I think.

I'll know more
when I find my camera.

- Guess what happened
to me.

- Oh, pierce,
you became a grandfather?

- No, I became even cooler.

These ironic tee shirts
are all the rage.

- Let's get one thing
straight.

I wish I was still
a lawyer.

I'm only here because
I'm hot for britta,

And I don't want to be
anybody's friend.

Just kidding.

Bring it in here,
ya knuckleheads!

You know, I gotta say
I took a look back

At the guy I was
last semester,

And I realized
that guy was a drag.

- No...
- Aww...

- Good to hear you
admit it, jeff.

- No, the truth is
this is a new semester,

A new jeff.

Greendale is where I am,

And I am gonna make
the best of it.

- That is nice.

- You're like hawkeye on
m.A.S.H.

He kept his upbeat humor
and charm

Even in the 11th year
of the korean war.

- Yeah, well, don't go changing
too much, jeff.

I think we all like you
just the way you were.

- Well, I appreciate that,
but--

Did you just teleport here?

- No, I snuck in
during the group hug.

You guys don't
remember me?

Buddy...From spanish class?

- I've never seen you before
in my life.

- I've seen buddy before.

He sits in the corner
next to the dead plant.

- Thank you, abed.

Sometimes I have a tendency
to melt into the background.

It's just my body type.

But I definitely know
you guys

From watching you all
last semester grow together.

- "f." "f"-minus.

- Did you say "s"?

- He said "f."

- Who cheated?
- I did it.

- Britta cheated?
But why?

- Gimme back my bra,
annie.

- I'm not even wearing a bra.
- Oh!

- I don't even care
who wins.

- What?

- I sleep a lot in class.

That one might have been
a dream.

- Well, buddy,
as you know,

We haven't had
spanish class yet.

So this meeting was more
just for catching up...

Between friends.

- I heard that.
Let's do it!

- Well--
- so--sorry, britta.

I'll go first.

Uh, I'm sure you guys have
a natural rapport and timing,

And, you know, you're scared
that adding a new member

Might throw everything off
of its natural...

- ♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

- ...Rhythm.

I feel like I know
you guys already.

So you know, let me in.
Just tell me the rules,

And I will follow.

- Well, you already broke
the only rule I have.

The rule about worrying
about rules.

- That's what I'm saying too!

Yeah!

♪ spanish studyin' is better ♪

♪ when you're buddyin' ♪

♪ around, yeah ♪

- Excuse me,
I received a text message

About free sephora samples.

- Ha ha!
It was me.

Sorry about the ruse,
but I have something better

Than exfoliating soap
to rub on you.

An opportunity.
Mm.

As you can see,
I am resurrecting

The greendale gazette
journal mirror!

And we need a student editor.

Someone with real
world savvy

That extends beyond
how to huff the ink.

- Actually, dean, I'm resolved
to spend this semester

Being more...

- This would be your office.

- Relaxed...And awesome.

This is the first desk
I've seen in six months

That doesn't have
"zeppelin rules" carved into it.

- And you get
an english credit.

- Well, that ain't bad neither.
I'm in.

- Guys, meet your new editor!

Mr. Winger is very excited
to help you bring a voice

Back to the campus.

- Jeff, I need
to take your picture.

- We got it.
- Okay.

You guys knock yourselves out!

- This is my article on
the school's new water heater.

- You got chops, kid,
but we need your talent

On a bigger story.

Pizza wars--who's got
the best slice in town?

Start with big nick's.
Bring us a large, with sausage.

You. I heard a rumor
that riley's liquor is

Selling to underage students.

I need an undercover expose.

Find out how much
they'll sell you

Of anything cold
and imported.

- You expect me
to watch you do that

Without telling on you?

- That's a hard-hitting
question, annie.

Are you a reporter?

- No, they've got me editing
the crossword

Because I'm a girl.

And because I love crosswords.

- Well, now you love
the streets.

You're my ace news hound.

- Ace? You can do that?

- We can do anything we want.
It's greendale.

Now go find me that story.

- This character reboot is
really gelling for you, jeff.

That was all classic hawkeye.

Sending soldiers out
for liquor.

Slyly sidestepping
the problematic scrutiny

Of annie "hot lips" edison.

I should build you a still
for making hawkeye martinis.

- Of all your pop culture
fixations,

This is one I can
work with, abed.

- Call me radar.
- When you've earned it.

Now, I know the news
of senor chang's death

Over winter break
was a shock to us all.

But we should take comfort
in the fact

That he did not suffer

When his moped hit the side
of that arby's.

- So sad.

But best semester ever.

Feliz ano nueva, chicas!

beat it. All right.

That was a professional
actress.

I am a man
who can never die.

And this has been
your first taste

Of spanish 1-0- dos--

The semester I get inside
your cabesas!

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

♪ ♪

- I saw that coming.

- Hey, guys,
see you in study group.

Hoo-ah!

Ah!

- Uh, jeff, can he really
just decide he's one of us?

- He throws off our balance.

We've got three chicks,
three dudes,

And now two weirdos.

Sorry, abed.

- Not all weirdos are bad.

But he might be
a puckish agent of change

That changes our lives
for the better

Through a musical montage.

- Or he could have
a row of jars

Waiting for our genitals.

- Yo, I need my genitals.

- You know who
you guys sound like?

Me, from last semester.

Cynical, elitist,

Rakishly good-looking.
- Thank you.

- Well, we should at least
get together

To talk about
membership policies, right?

- Hey, don't ask me.

Dealing with problems
ain't my job no more.

My new job is hanging out,
having fun,

And cracking wise.

- Oh, it must be nice.

Suppose I decide
that's my job.

- 'cause you're hilarious!

- Jeff, I hope you've got
an army of raisins

Because I've got
a major scoop.

In October,

There was a free toni braxton
concert on the quad.

- You don't need
to remind me.

- And when a last-minute mix-up

Shifted the show time
by an hour,

An anonymous text message
went out

Alerting students
of the change.

- Okay.
- Not okay.

Because the text message
was sent exclusively

To black students...

And one french kid named lebron.
That's profiling.

This is front-page juice.

Just gotta find out
who sent the text.

- Have you called the number
that sent it?

- Well...Nobody's that stupid,
right?

- Aw...

Hello? Um...

wrong number.

No, that--
that was a good cover.

- So whoever it is
keeps hanging up,

But he can't hide forever.

- Annie the reporter.
Good times.

Listen up.
I just want to say

Thank you guys real much--
much--real much? Duh!

Thank you guys very much
for this.

It's a dream come true.

Oh...

- Now let's study
some spanish.

- So for the essay,
we conjugate...

- Conjugate.
Conjugal visit!

lame.

Okay, stick and move.
Stick and move.

- Okay, so for the essay
portion...

- ♪ annie got an essay portion ♪

♪ annie gonna move
her luscious fanny ♪

♪ all day long ♪

- Hey, buddy can sing,
you guys.

Wow, that's great.

Annie's pretty young.
We try not to sexualize her.

- I'm sorry. Whoa!

Okay, look, I--
you know what,

It's your study group,

And I don't know
if you perceive it

As something that could
be improved,

But I do have some ideas.

Here's the one right here.
Boom.

I was thinking, as a group,

We could start saying,
"you go, girl."

Not in a way that's,
you know,

"oh, I'm so cool saying
"you go, girl."

But in a way that
we're kinda winking at it.

Bottom line, you guys need
a chubby, agile guy.

Did anyone see paul blart:
Marl co--

I'm like that, okay?

I'm fat and I'm...
Physical, okay?

And I'm strong. Hmm?
And I can kick.

- Oh!

Ow...Oh...
- Ooh, sorry.

Jeff--
- no, no, it's fine, it's fine.

It's just a little nosebleed.

I get 'em when it's dry

And when my face
gets kicked.

- I'll get some paper towels.

- Did someone say something
about a meeting

To discuss member policy?

Well, I think it's obvious
to everyone

That this buddy fellow
has a few froot loops loose.

So I think no matter
what we do,

We gotta do it with grace
and caution.

- I say we keep buddy
in the group.

- What?

- I've given it a lot of
thought, and frankly

I like his
in-your-face style.

- I can't stop thinking
about his high kick.

His ratio of girth
to hip flexibility

Is mesmerizing.

- I like his idea of ironically
saying "you go, girl."

- You go, girl.
- You go, girl.

- Wait, so you kick high enough
and you get in the group?

- If we're going to add
people,

I really think we should
consider my friend gary.

- I'm sorry, shirley,

Your friend gary is
so boring.

- He was raised in finland.

He doesn't get our humor.

- Well, if we're gonna
add a chair

For every bong-ripping
good-time charlie

With a song in his heart,

I move we institute hazing.

- Well, in the right stuff,
the novel by tom wolfe--

- This is why we need
new blood.

I'm so bored of you
pop culture references

And your cigarette-legged
jeans.

- My friend gary wears nothing
but loose-fitting jeans.

- Gary is off the table.
He is a buzz kill.

- He grew up in a land
without sun!

- Why don't you like
my tight jeans?

- Take a vote.

- They'll probably
vote him in.

- They won't.

- Guys, guys,
let's take a vote.

- Secret vote.
Everybody cover your eyes.

- We won't know the result.
- Well, say your vote out loud.

- We'll know each other's
voices.

- Troy's got a point.

- Holy crap. Wow.

It says here some guy
in seattle went nuts

And killed his entire
driver's ed class

With a meat tenderizer.

- Oh, no.
We have to be careful.

- Okay...
On the count of three,

Everybody who wants
to keep buddy out,

Raise your hand.

- You lied about the guy
in seattle

With the meat tenderizer.

You put your thumb
on the scale.

But you did it with a smile,

And you did it
so you could keep smiling.

You're hawkeye.

- And with buddy gone,

Staying that way will be
a lot easier.

- I am not racist!

I had 20 minutes
to let people know

That toni braxton was
starting early

And 273 text messages left
before my rate tripled.

Racial profiling
may not be right,

But it can be economical.

- Tell me, dean, when I refer
to you in my article,

Would you prefer "imbecile"
or "incompetent?"

- I prefer "incompetent,"
but what I really want--

- It doesn't matter
what you want.

The people want the truth.
I have to give it to them.

And I won't let anyone
stand in my way.

- Excuse me.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

Jeffrey, I am the least
racist person in the world.

My best friend when I was
six years old was a black man.

Look, I've learned my lesson.
I've got unlimited texting now.

But if she runs that story,
I will lose this job.

And this job is my life.

She listens to you.

- Well, next time we're both
hanging out having fun

I could try cracking wise
about it with her.

- You do what you think
is right.

♪ ♪

- That's enough.
- Okay.

- I'm just saying it's not
exactly watergate.

I mean, you like the dean.

He's trying to help you
transfer.

- Yeah, and this time
he might succeed.

If this article breaks out,

I can apply
for journalism scholarships.

Nobody will care about
my time in rehab

If they think I'm a writer.

- Annie,
as your upbeat friend,

I gotta say let this go.

- This is greendale, jeff.
We can do whatever we want.

- Didn't anyone tell buddy
he was out?

- I guess we thought
you would.

- Milord, milady.
You missed my apology song.

- Yeah, I'll tell 'em
about it later.

- Jeff...

I am so sorry about
the other day.

- Buddy, yesterday
the group took a vote.

- And you seem to have
figured out the rest of it.

Was it the high kick?
Was it "you go, girl"?

Oh, you guys think
you're so cool.

- No, we don't think
we're cool at all.

- A little bit.

- I put myself out there
for you!

I laid my soul bare!

I made you guys lemon squares
with free-range eggs

That I baked
with my own hands.

- Maybe a little less sugar
next time.

- Well, I'm not leaving.

- Oh, come on.
Be relaxed, like me.

Leave.
- You're not relaxed.

You're an uptight
puppet master,

And these are all
your little puppets.

- Buddy, just be reasonable
and go.

Make me...Hitler.

- Okay, so since buddy's
not leaving,

He'll just be the person who
we wish wasn't here

While we study.

Try getting that deal
from hitler. Shall we?

- I'm studying with you.
- No, you're not.

Everyone stop studying.

- Okay.

- You're not in the group.

- Okay, then go study
somewhere else.

Hola, mi amigo.

Donde estas la bibliota?

No, no.
No, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

No, I want to study spanish!

No!

Noooooooooo!

Ah, I hate you!

I hate your study group!
I hate it!

You suck! Aah...

I hate you!

- And you are not running
that story!

- Why not?
- Because I said so!

Does anybody have a problem
with how that was handled?

- It's exactly the way
I would have done it, jeff.

- Who are you kidding, abed?

I just dragged a screaming,
crying man

Out of a library
with his pants down.

No. Martinis are for hawkeyes.

I'm the same uptight jerk
I was last semester.

- Jeff, what's your favorite
episode of m.A.S.H.?

- The one with, uh,
the army.

- That's what I thought.

If you'd ever actually seen
the show,

You'd know that hawkeye
doesn't just bed nurses

And drink martinis.

He also had blood
sprayed on his face

And barked orders
when the choppers came in.

If he didn't,
people died.

He was a leader, jeff.
That's your job.

- Ooh.
What's in it for me?

- Hey...

- Annie, I'm sorry that
I yelled.

- I'm glad you did.

It didn't even really
occur to me what I was doing

Until I saw how upset
you were.

And I never want to be
the reason you're mad

Because...
You're jeff winger.

So...Thanks...
For getting mad.

- Well, it was nothing.

I guess that's
the upside, isn't it?

Thank you...Radar.

- Ooh, you made me so happy
I just peed a little.

- I don't think violence
is the answer

When we make decisions
about--

- Oh!

- Hi, guys.

- Hi, buddy.
Can you, um...

- Excuse us...

- For one...
Crazy stalker?

- Listen up.

We outnumber this guy
six to one.

Annie, you flash your breasts
as a decoy for the bum rush.

- Pierce!
- Don't be upset.

I didn't pick you as a decoy
'cause your breasts are so old.

- Why is he even here?
Hello.

- I invited him.

Buddy's crime is thinking
we're cool.

But I get it.

I mean, if I were him

And I missed out
on you guys,

I'd be sitting
in that classroom,

Watching, wondering.

So how can I exclude someone
from something

That I'm so lucky to have?

- Oh...

- I say we let him in.

Hi, buddy.

Welcome to the group.

- Oh, yes!

You will not regret this.

- There he is.

Speak of the devil,
he's right there.

- Hey, buddy.
- Hmm?

- The group thought about
what you said.

We took a vote, and you're in.

- Oh ho, no way!
I'm in the cool group?

- Look at him.

It's like christmas morning
for the guy.

Welcome.

- Oh...This is--

Oh, this is awkward.

You guys were my safe date.

- Hey, buddy, you don't have
to worry about them.

You're with us now.
Come on.

- Ha ha! Boom!

- I love the kicks.
- He's amazing!

- The kicks are the best.

He's just got that kind of--

You know when
some people have it...

- And that, ladies
and gentlemen,

Is why I voted to keep him.

- It would have been nice
to have

Another person
in the group.

- I'll call gary.

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