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1
00:00:01,268 --> 00:00:02,929
[§§§]
2
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,530
I booked a sketch artist,
an improv troupe,
3
00:00:06,741 --> 00:00:09,471
and a laser projecting
a burning pelvis onto the ceiling.
4
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,542
A laser? Well, this isn't
gonna be your mother's
5
00:00:11,746 --> 00:00:13,441
sexually transmitted disease
awareness fair.
6
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:14,671
[BOTH GlGGLE]
7
00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:16,679
You've been quite
the little helper, Annie.
8
00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:18,875
STD fair, guys. Catch knowledge.
9
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:26,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
10
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:30,288
You think you're better than me?
No.
11
00:00:30,498 --> 00:00:33,058
You stick to quoting movie lines,
I'll stick to sports.
12
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:37,397
Trying to reduce my referencing.
Well, you're not moving into sports.
13
00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:41,166
You and I are playing
real basketball, right now.
14
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,673
Sounds fun.
No, it doesn't.
15
00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:45,209
And it won't be.
16
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,608
ANNlE: Catch knowledge.
Sorry, not interested
17
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,340
in ignoring your
very important cause.
18
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,246
Hi, I'm Jeff Winger.
19
00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:54,182
Oh, Sabrina is my new secretary.
20
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:57,118
Secretary is a little
degrading to women.
21
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:58,951
I help the dean do office-y things.
22
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,752
Oh, gender saved.
23
00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:04,124
My casual friend and I are gonna
have a non-romantic breakfast
24
00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:06,925
if you'd like to join us.
Cafeteria's closed.
25
00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:08,795
Fortune cookie?
PELTON: lsn't it great?
26
00:01:09,003 --> 00:01:12,803
Greendale is the latest campus to
catch a case of public-health fever.
27
00:01:13,007 --> 00:01:16,841
You know the toilets in the women's
bathrooms don't have seats, right?
28
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:19,877
Because they keep getting stolen.
Sabrina, take a note.
29
00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:22,549
I want hidden cameras
in every stall.
30
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,013
Problem solved.
31
00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:28,052
"You will get AlDS."
Flip it over.
32
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:30,881
"Unless you go to the STD fair."
33
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,288
I wrote that.
34
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:35,155
Congratu-- Horrible.
35
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,155
See you later.
36
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:39,798
Catch knowledge.
37
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,968
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
lT WAS HERE" PLAYS]
38
00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:50,466
Jeff, you and I are friends, right?
Okay.
39
00:01:50,845 --> 00:01:53,973
You may have noticed
a recent change in my demeanor.
40
00:01:54,181 --> 00:01:56,649
I haven't.
Well, I have a new girlfriend.
41
00:01:56,851 --> 00:02:00,651
She is super-smart,
if you know what I mean.
42
00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:03,688
I always know what you mean.
Can't wait for you to meet her.
43
00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:05,586
You know, when you
catch a big fish,
44
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:08,990
you wanna stuff her
and put her on the mantle.
45
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,788
How about tonight?
I doubt it.
46
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:14,934
Troy and I played basketball. It's fun.
Don't gloat.
47
00:02:15,136 --> 00:02:18,367
It's impossible to guard you.
Your eyes are too
gentle and mysterious.
48
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:23,367
Hey, guys, Jeff and l
are double-dating tonight
with my new girlfriend.
49
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:24,771
BOTH:
Ooh!
50
00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:26,845
You got that from "l doubt it"?
51
00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:29,174
Pierce has got a girlfriend.
52
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:30,816
That's great. What does she do?
53
00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,007
She's an escort.
54
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,714
Oh.
55
00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,650
Some mysteries solve themselves.
56
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:38,689
No, no, no, that's just her profession.
She doesn't escort me.
57
00:02:38,893 --> 00:02:41,521
No, no. I met her
in my Marketing class.
58
00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:44,622
And I'm taking Doreen
to Annie's mixer tonight.
59
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:47,164
You mean the STD fair.
Catch knowledge.
60
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:50,804
Taking a call girl to an STD fair?
There's a joke here.
61
00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:54,133
So, Jeff, dust off that black book
and rustle up a honey, huh?
62
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:57,174
Is there a pill that makes
the word "no" clearer?
63
00:02:57,378 --> 00:03:00,575
Well, it is pretty short notice.
Probably couldn't get a date anyway.
64
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,709
BOTH:
Ooh.
65
00:03:02,917 --> 00:03:04,248
I'm sure you're right.
66
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:05,816
BOTH:
Ooh.
67
00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:09,421
Maybe it has something to do
with crabs. They're like a food
but also a disease?
68
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,784
I wonder, Jeff,
for all your feather flashing,
69
00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:14,051
when was the last time
you actually scored?
70
00:03:14,261 --> 00:03:16,923
I don't know the precise date,
Pierce, because I'm not you.
71
00:03:17,131 --> 00:03:19,099
So there's no receipt.
72
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,927
Ooh.
Ehh.
73
00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:22,324
Oh, come on.
74
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,835
Shouldn't take pot shots at some
woman because you can't get a date.
75
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,702
I can get dates any time I want.
76
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:32,345
What is this, some kind of joke?
No, this is.
77
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:35,174
"Don't eat the crab dip." Yeah.
78
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,576
[§§§]
79
00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:39,276
Ahh! You hear that, Annie?
80
00:03:39,486 --> 00:03:41,147
That's the sound of
STDs screaming,
81
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,380
[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE]
"No, stop being so aware of us."
82
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:45,024
[BOTH LAUGH]
83
00:03:45,226 --> 00:03:46,750
[lN NORMAL VOlCE]
And it's all thanks to you.
84
00:03:46,961 --> 00:03:49,896
I was voted "most likely to succeed"
at my rehab clinic.
85
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,497
Well, in recognition
of all your hard work,
86
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:57,069
I have decided that you should
conduct the condom demonstration.
87
00:03:57,271 --> 00:04:00,365
You're gonna be center stage
showing everyone
88
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,166
how to put a condom on a, uh...
89
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:04,640
Well, what my dad called
a Jimmy Carter.
90
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:07,877
Um, I don't know if
I'm the right person.
91
00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,447
Don't worry. Not a real one.
92
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:12,312
No, it's an anatomically correct
model, you know.
93
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:16,080
But trust me, eyes closed,
you can't tell the difference.
94
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:19,123
Mmm. Okay.
95
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:22,452
[WHlMPERS]
96
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,130
[§§§]
97
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,093
[PHONE RlNGlNG]
98
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,460
Hey, it's Jeff Winger.
99
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,964
Well, I wanted to see
what you were doing tonight.
100
00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,333
Do I know your name?
101
00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:37,408
What kind of question is that?
Of course I know.
102
00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:39,536
Well, if I answer now,
103
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:43,012
you'll never learn
a valuable lesson about trust,
104
00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:44,980
Jennifer.
105
00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:46,748
Crap. Ugh.
106
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:50,089
Pierce really got to you, huh?
107
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:55,154
It has been a dry spell.
But it's been a while since I've tried.
So I'm trying.
108
00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:58,923
Yeah, I can see that.
This is a lot of outgoing calls.
109
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:00,760
"Car Wash Redhead."
110
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,061
"Tube Top R.E.M. Concert."
111
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:05,465
"Juror Number 6."
That sounds above board.
112
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:08,335
At least you have "Mommy" in here.
That's not my mom.
113
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:10,533
Dude, not cool.
114
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:13,872
You saying "dude" is not cool.
115
00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:15,070
What are you doing?
116
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:16,806
[PHONE RlNGS]
[BRlTTA CHUCKLES]
117
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,882
"Hot Blonde Spanish Class"?
118
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:20,075
You're welcome.
119
00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:22,221
This is the phone book
of a man in his 20s.
120
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:26,325
The women literally have
no identities. It's pretty shallow.
121
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,291
You're right.
122
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,827
I can't believe I haven't
seen it before now.
123
00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:33,958
Whatever. I'm gonna go
study with Shirley.
124
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:36,659
Well, I'll be here,
rethinking my way of life.
125
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:37,996
Mm.
126
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,729
[§§§]
127
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,806
Call "Mommy."
128
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:46,377
Guys, I have a problem.
129
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:50,684
The dean wants me to demonstrate
proper use of a condom
130
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:55,685
at the stupid fair, by putting one on
a mannequin's stupid thingamabob.
131
00:05:56,256 --> 00:06:00,158
It's a big honor
but I'm gonna screw it up.
132
00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:03,592
Well, it's easy enough to practice.
Britta, do you have a banana?
133
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:07,255
This is an anatomically correct model
I'll be handling.
134
00:06:07,468 --> 00:06:11,598
Real whatchamacallits
are nothing like bananas.
135
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,329
Are they?
136
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:16,302
Have you never seen one?
Shh!
137
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:20,002
Annie, being a virgin in this day
and age is something to be proud of.
138
00:06:20,214 --> 00:06:21,272
You're like a unicorn.
139
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,411
I'm not a unicorn.
140
00:06:24,818 --> 00:06:27,685
I had relations with
my high school boyfriend.
141
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:31,016
We did it to Madonna's Erotica
on the floor of his walk-in closet.
142
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:34,058
But he wouldn't let me look at it.
143
00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:37,628
He cried after and during.
144
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,293
He's gay now.
145
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:40,728
[WHlSPERS]
I think he was gay then.
146
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:43,334
So you never seen one
when you were growing up?
147
00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:46,700
Like, you know, on the lnternet,
in a picture, or Harvey Keitel's?
148
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:51,173
I've caught glimpses but I've never
got a real good look at one.
149
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:54,176
What I need to do is practice
on the actual model.
150
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:56,212
But the dean has it
locked in his office.
151
00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:58,715
Okay, that's easy.
We'll go to him, ask him if we--
152
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:02,650
No. This is really embarrassing.
I don't want anyone to know.
153
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:06,053
I just wanna figure out how to do it
and get it over with.
154
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,750
The dean is counting on me,
155
00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:10,486
and I want him to know
that I'm someone he can trust.
156
00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:14,865
We have to break into his office.
157
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:18,829
I actually have no problem with that.
I think I could do that.
158
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:21,007
[CARNlVAL MUSlC PLAYlNG
OVER SPEAKERS]
159
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,635
Oh, hello, Jeffrey.
Hi, Pierce.
160
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:30,106
I was just going into the fair
to wait for my smoking-hot date.
161
00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:31,716
That's nice.
How about you?
162
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:35,753
Were you ever able to, you know,
come up with a date?
163
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,049
No, no, because I didn't try,
164
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:41,125
because taking a date
to an STD fair would be lame.
165
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:44,422
Don't worry about it, kid.
You're going through a dry spell.
166
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:49,261
From my experience, they don't last
any more than 12, 1 3 years.
167
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:50,835
Excuse me.
168
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:57,371
No gonorrhea,
please, please, please.
169
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:59,205
No gonorrhea.
170
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:01,176
Ow! It burns.
171
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:02,575
Oh! That's gonna hurt.
Gross.
172
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:06,480
Dean, your assistant, is she single?
What are her likes and dislikes?
173
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:09,554
Yes, on single.
She likes hip-hop and horses.
174
00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:11,849
Dislikes beards and--
Yeah, I was done talking.
175
00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:19,893
Is it me or are horses
the most beautiful creatures?
176
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,364
They're so majestic.
Totally.
177
00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:25,834
Just this morning,
when I was shaving and
listening to the new Jay-Z,
178
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,906
I was thinking how I wanna
squeeze in a gallop this weekend.
179
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,303
Do you own a horse?
180
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:34,180
Can you ever really own a horse?
181
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,043
JEFF: Pierce.
Yeah?
182
00:08:39,253 --> 00:08:40,311
This is Sabrina.
183
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:42,250
Thirty seconds
after you walked away,
184
00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:44,924
I asked her to be my date
and she said yes.
185
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,518
You must have a great personality.
Thank you.
186
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:50,390
Congratulations, Jeff,
you proved me wrong.
You got a girl.
187
00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:51,689
Yeah, I did.
Oh.
188
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,592
This is Doreen.
Ready for our double-date?
189
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:57,497
Yes, I am.
Wait, how'd you do that?
190
00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:58,830
[§§§]
191
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:04,004
Is this the best safe-sex fair
or what?
192
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,610
Ha-ha-ha!
Check out these condoms.
193
00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:08,280
All along the side it says,
"Greendale."
194
00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:10,848
Exclamation point, my idea.
195
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,212
[BOTH CHUCKLlNG]
196
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:18,949
Wow. Me, in a dune buggy,
with syphilis. This is going
on the fridge.
197
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:22,026
Heh, heh. Look how gorgeous
Doreen is tonight.
198
00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:24,927
Hey, can we--?
199
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:27,657
Let's lay out our plans
for the evening.
200
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,859
You wingman me, I wingman you.
201
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,130
Maybe we split up
for a little hoo-ha
202
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:38,004
and then meet in the morning
for eggs and details.
203
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:41,977
That sounds like the worst
combination plate ever.
204
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:44,216
Thanks.
Argh!
205
00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:47,478
I can't believe you beat me again.
206
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,519
Do you want my stuffed animal?
Gah!
207
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,726
We're arm wrestling.
208
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:58,486
Like Stallone in Over the Top.
I don't know the rules.
Don't I need a semi-truck and a son?
209
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:02,294
The rules are, "You suck." Let's go.
210
00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:05,003
Uh, I wanna wait for a more inspiring
song. This score isn't right.
211
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:06,502
[ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG
OVER SPEAKERS]
212
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,106
There we go.
213
00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:20,718
[PEOPLE LAUGHlNG]
214
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,656
[YELLlNG]
215
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:35,959
Oh, my God.
216
00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:42,436
You broke my hand, you bastard.
217
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,240
[§§§]
218
00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,685
I can't do anything with this.
219
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:01,986
No, let me see that.
220
00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:05,226
Oh, I can see through the door.
221
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:06,592
[BRlTTA AND ANNlE GASP]
222
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,394
Oh, yeah, there she blows.
223
00:11:09,603 --> 00:11:11,537
I wanna see, I wanna see.
Shh!
224
00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:13,399
Okay, go, go, go. Go ahead.
225
00:11:13,607 --> 00:11:14,972
[BRlTTA AND SHlRLEY GlGGLlNG]
226
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:19,111
I'm the one that needs to see.
Okay, okay, okay.
227
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,013
It's okay.
228
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,853
Oh, boy.
229
00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:28,677
[SNlCKERlNG]
230
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:32,381
Oh, I had it wrong.
231
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,390
Is that considered large?
232
00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:36,152
Oh, no.
Yes.
233
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:38,388
[GASPS]
234
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:41,066
What in the reverse Porky's
is going on here?
235
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,937
You know, Doreen
speaks six languages.
236
00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:48,664
You should hear her
order wine in French.
237
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,673
Hey, honey, say,
"cabernet sauvigonenon."
238
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:54,745
Pierce, you're embarrassing me.
You know a lot about wine?
239
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:58,281
Well, I did have a client
who owned a vineyard in Napa.
240
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:02,353
He was into S&M and merlot
so we called it S&M&M.
241
00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:06,551
Honey, you're boring
the crap out of Jeff.
242
00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:10,028
Be right back.
I have to make tinkles.
243
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:14,061
Well then, I'm gonna go
get us another round.
244
00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:18,030
You know, you are not
what I expected.
245
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,036
You're smart, you're classy,
you're not wearing go-go boots.
246
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,265
They're in the shop.
247
00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:24,671
You know,
despite what people think,
248
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:28,575
I actually spend
most of my time talking.
249
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,977
As men get older, they wanna
spend time with someone
250
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,049
they can have a real
conversation with.
251
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:36,711
That is going to suck.
"Going to," Jeff?
252
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,220
Come on, Sabrina's cute,
253
00:12:38,692 --> 00:12:42,458
but she thinks that Monty Python
is the evil snake from Harry Potter.
254
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:46,462
Trust me, I know girls I can converse
with who are way more annoying.
255
00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:49,965
I will take "tinkles" over
"we need to talk" every time.
256
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:51,831
Hey, babe.
257
00:12:52,038 --> 00:12:53,869
Ready to show me that Lexus?
258
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:56,565
I thought you'd never ask.
259
00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:01,670
Doreen, it was very nice
to meet you.
260
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,579
You can do better.
261
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:12,221
Here.
262
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:15,019
Oh, they already left?
What a couple of nincompoops.
263
00:13:15,862 --> 00:13:18,695
Before I buy dinner, I have to ask.
264
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:21,629
Is there any lovemaking
on the table?
265
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,965
We're through, Pierce.
266
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:27,072
I'm gonna go to the bar
and you can join me if you'd like.
267
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:29,640
And we can still have
a lovely evening,
268
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:31,868
but it will cost you 200 bucks.
269
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,818
That is a pretty big discount.
270
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:48,054
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG]
271
00:13:57,604 --> 00:14:00,664
I had no idea alcohol
would make people horny.
272
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:02,501
It makes me sleepy. I don't--
273
00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:03,698
Dean?
Yeah.
274
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:06,435
We have a 597 currently
going on in your office.
275
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:10,480
597? There's a dog-fighting ring
in my office?
276
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:11,844
No.
277
00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:16,084
Okay, I'm just gonna turn him around
and we're gonna cover him up.
278
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:18,553
Okay, ladies, I am shocked
279
00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:21,090
at the reverse Porky's
that has happened here.
280
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:24,923
I don't see what the big deal is.
Annie needed to look at
the model of the pen--
281
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:27,998
Okay, the P-word has
entered into play.
282
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,398
That's exactly why I wanted Gayle,
our school counselor here,
283
00:14:31,605 --> 00:14:34,165
and Monique,
who's keeping record,
to ensure
284
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:37,775
we discuss these sensitive topics
in a legally appropriate manner.
285
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,775
I think everyone should say "penis"
286
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:43,279
so we can take away the
negative power of the word, yeah?
287
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:44,745
So everybody.
288
00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:47,078
ALL: Penis.
She didn't say it.
289
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:50,188
Now why did you break in
to see the penis?
290
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:53,518
Wow, I really do feel more
comfortable saying that now, Gayle.
291
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:58,687
I just wanna focus on the girl
who won't say "penis."
292
00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:00,526
[§§§]
293
00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:11,370
This is a judgment-free zone,
so express yourself.
294
00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:17,774
You know what?
295
00:15:17,984 --> 00:15:20,817
I don't want to express myself.
296
00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:26,622
I don't wanna sit in a room
full of people and say the P-word.
297
00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:28,555
I like being repressed.
298
00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:32,960
I am totally comfortable being
uncomfortable with my sexuality.
299
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:37,803
And maybe, just maybe,
if everyone were
a little more like me,
300
00:15:38,004 --> 00:15:40,939
we wouldn't have to have
an STD fair.
301
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,268
BRlTTA: You go, girl.
That's my pumpkin.
302
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:44,867
Mm-hm.
303
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:48,303
By the way, now that I've gotten
a good look at one,
304
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,642
I don't see what all the fuss
was about.
305
00:15:50,850 --> 00:15:54,251
A giant thumb in a turtleneck.
Whoop-dee-doo!
306
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,589
[§§§]
307
00:15:57,791 --> 00:15:59,782
[KlSSlNG SOUNDS]
[SABRlNA MOANlNG]
308
00:16:03,596 --> 00:16:07,828
You have a really awesome body.
You probably hear that all the time.
309
00:16:08,034 --> 00:16:09,228
Not as much as I should.
310
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:10,460
[GlGGLES]
311
00:16:10,837 --> 00:16:12,930
Ohh. Professor.
312
00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:16,533
What?
313
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:17,801
I'm not a professor.
314
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:21,275
But you're at Greendale
and you're old.
315
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,139
I'm a student.
316
00:16:23,717 --> 00:16:24,775
Yikers.
317
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:27,920
Yeah. It's pretty much
yikers for me too.
318
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:33,149
Well, I guess I can make
an exception, professor.
319
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:34,686
[GlGGLES]
320
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:43,832
You know, I can't do this.
321
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:45,368
What?
322
00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:46,664
But this is your car.
323
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,205
Keep it.
But--
324
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:52,243
[§§§]
325
00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:57,148
Yes, yes, yes.
326
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,910
How do you like those apples?
327
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,715
I don't like those apples.
I'm so upset.
328
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:06,483
It was just a fluke
I won those other games.
329
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,058
Troy.
330
00:17:08,294 --> 00:17:09,955
[DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG
OVER SPEAKERS]
331
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:14,099
Wow, this may be the only STD fair
to actually spread STDs. Ha, ha.
332
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:15,767
Shut up, Ben.
333
00:17:15,969 --> 00:17:20,269
MAN:
Condom water balloon fight!
334
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,705
[LAUGHlNG]
335
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,270
What the hell?
336
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:26,706
Dude, these are leaking.
337
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,881
Ho-ho-ho! Oh, my God.
338
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:31,448
That's why you don't
print things on condoms.
339
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:34,677
Everyone's getting preggers
and it's all your fault.
340
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:39,524
[§§§]
341
00:17:42,128 --> 00:17:43,288
Oh, man.
342
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:46,431
Troy, all the condoms are faulty.
343
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:50,296
As the best athlete on campus,
I need you to run to my office
344
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:53,438
and make an announcement
before everyone leaves.
345
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:58,600
Dean, I am not the best
athlete on campus.
346
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,437
Abed is.
347
00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:04,412
I know you let me win the race.
But you didn't say anything.
348
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:08,314
That's because
I wanted it to be true.
349
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:11,947
You're a really good friend.
No, Abed.
350
00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:16,156
You are.
For the love of God, run.
351
00:18:16,362 --> 00:18:17,920
Okay.
352
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:19,993
TROY:
Go, Abed, go.
353
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,361
Before people sex one another.
354
00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:23,763
[§§§]
355
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,299
There he is.
356
00:18:28,842 --> 00:18:30,810
Back already. Detail time?
357
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:32,637
I stopped.
358
00:18:32,846 --> 00:18:35,781
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I mean, she's hot.
359
00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:38,280
I think this place is sapping
my life force.
360
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:42,512
Oh, it's not Greendale, Jeff, it's you.
You're becoming more mature.
361
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,349
A man reaches a point in his life
362
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:48,084
where he stops looking for
a place to hang his underwear
363
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,694
and starts looking for a place
to hang his hat.
364
00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:56,467
Oh, I'm sorry. I was waiting for that
to become inappropriate or racist.
365
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,569
What happened to Doreen?
366
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:00,170
Oh, uh,
367
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:02,967
she said if I wanted to continue,
I would have to pay.
368
00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:05,843
Oh, man, that is rough.
369
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:07,376
No, it was a wake-up call.
370
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:10,174
Doreen is a very special lady.
I did not treat her right.
371
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,375
I have stuff to work on, you know?
372
00:19:13,219 --> 00:19:14,550
You'll get there.
373
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,654
We're both gonna get there.
374
00:19:20,426 --> 00:19:21,859
Here's to being better men.
375
00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:25,163
Cheers.
376
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,831
So can I borrow 200 bucks?
377
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,367
Tell Doreen I say hi.
378
00:19:35,175 --> 00:19:37,575
You know, for 220, I can get--
379
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:40,302
I'll give you 250 if
you don't finish telling me.
380
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,242
Now I can get it twice.
381
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:45,383
Ah, college.
Best years of our lives.
382
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,815
[THE FRATELLlS' "WHlSTLE
FOR THE CHOlR" PLAYlNG]
383
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,079
Oop.
384
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,045
[MlCROPHONE SQUEALS
OVER PA]
385
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:16,909
ABED [OVER PA]:
Attention, Greendale students.
386
00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:18,879
Don't use the condoms.
387
00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:23,852
If you're going to have sex tonight,
don't use condoms.
388
00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:32,962
"The characteristic of an acid
to donate or accept a proton
389
00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:35,634
cannot be quantified
for individual species.
390
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,962
Comparing two
donor-acceptor systems,
391
00:20:38,171 --> 00:20:43,438
the proton transposition
HA plus H2O..."
392
00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:01,325
Abed?
Yeah, Troy?
393
00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:03,862
Can you get me a glass of water?
394
00:21:04,063 --> 00:21:05,428
Sure.
395
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:09,324
Thank you, Abed.
395
00:21:10,305 --> 00:21:16,531
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