All language subtitles for Impossible Choice-en

(jazzy music)

Mark: Yes, I'm Professor Mahler.

I'm here to tell you that
theater is life!

Logan: I could have
been a famous actor,

writer, producer, singer,
impresario, and dancer,

and won the Nobel Prize.

Mark: Ah, but I chose to teach
dumb-ass college kids instead.

"To be, or not to be. That
is the question."

Logan: Class, what did
my friend Willie the Bard

try to say here?

Brandon: Hey, what's up?

Mark: Headed to Drama 201.

Logan: AKA "The
Theater Wants You".

Where are you headed?

Brandon: Music 220, AKA
"The Piano Wants Me".

Logan: I doubt it.

Mark: The piano wants
a babe, like Lorri.

Brandon: Ah, yes,
the woman of mystery.

Mark: Ah, yes.

Logan: GFs aside, do you
want to do the band thing

or the lake this weekend?

Mark: Let me see, we
can write inane songs

and argue about the arrangements

or get drunk and camp
out on the beach.

Did I mention get drunk?
(laughs)

Hello.

Professor: Now, repeat after me.

Theater is life.

Class: Theater is life.

Professor: Film is art.

Class: Film is art.

Professor: Television
is furniture.

Class: Television is furniture.

Professor: Now you may applaud.

(applause)

Professor: Thank you very much.

It's assignment time.

This single project will account
for 50% of your total grade,

so I refer to it as the big one.

The envelopes, please.

Now, pay attention.

On the outside of these
are two of your names.

You're going to be
working in pairs.

Theater is always a
cooperative endeavor.

Now, as a team, you're
going to research,

write, produce, and
perform right here,

a 10-minute scene.

Each of the envelopes
contain the names

of two real people.

They're of the
subjects of your drama.

Now, the first pair will
perform 6 weeks from today,

and because the show must go on,

you must present on
the date assigned.

No whining, no
extensions, no excuses.

Are there any questions?

Yes.

Student: Can we trade envelopes

if we don't like the
subjects we're assigned?

Professor: No.

Yes.

Mark: Is it okay if it's
a little longer or shorter

than 10 minutes?

Professor: Yes, mm-hmm.

Student: I don't know
exactly how to say this,

but what if we don't want to
work with our assigned partner?

Professor: Then you will
learn something about life.

Are there any other questions?

Logan: Yes!

Sarah: Good morning.

Joining us today
is Scott Deming,

President of Deming and
Deming International.

As you know, about 6 months ago,

we hired them, and
Scott is here today

with his recommendations.

Scott.

Scott: Thank you.

Morning!

All: Morning.

Scott: All right.

Let's talk about
making some money.

All right.

Our key concept here is
that we're developing

a desirable package
vacation experience,

not just a cruise.

Let's take a quick look at
our financial projections.

Our projections are
based on 55 passengers.

The length of the
package is 4 days,

so on the other 3
days, you can operate

as you normally would.

The fare is $800, and
that is inclusive.

Now, if we back out
the operating costs,

we have a net seasonal
profit of $375,000

Now, I will pass out detailed
financial reports later,

but that is profit.

Dan: Scott, my father
always said that

if something sounds
too good to be true,

well, then, it probably is,
so what's going on here?

Scott: All right, Dan, the
plan is to tailor a targeted

cruise "package" and then
market the hell out of it.

Dan: And that target is ... ?

Scott: Sounds like
the Academy Awards.

And the target is ...

The target is gay tourists.

Now, they have the money,

they have-

Dan: Gay? We can't do that!

Scott: Dan, the
major cruise lines

have been offering gay cruises
since the beginning of-

Dan: We're not a
major cruise line.

We're small.

We run in small towns.

People know and trust us.

We're part of their community.

We're Americana,
canal history, Scott.

This is a no go idea.

Sarah: Dannie, let's
just hear him out.

This is a revenue issue.

It's not a gay rights issue.

Dan: This is insanity.

Can we offer a Black cruise?

I don't think so.

Scott: No, no.

We could not offer
a Black cruise.

Dan: Well, hell no!

Scott: But we could offer
a Black Heritage cruise.

Have them play jazz,
serve soul food,

make stops at
historic Black sites,

like the Underground Railroad

or the Jerry Rescue.

Dan: Then whey don't
we do that then?

Scott: Okay, so Black are
okay, but gays are not?

Sarah: Guys, we seem to
have lost our focus here.

Dan: I don't think
that we can float

into one of these small towns

with a bunch of fags on board.

Peter: Let's just
hear Scott out.

That's what we're
paying him for.

Dan: (sighs) So, then
what do we do with

our "straight" customers?

It's a slippery fucking
slope, if you ask me.

Sarah: We didn't.

Scott: All are welcome.

There is no war
between gay people

and straight people, Dan.

Dan: Okay, that's
what we like to think.

Just like there's no
racial bias in America

since Lincoln freed the slaves.

Sarah: Think bottom line.

Dan: Think destroying
this company.

Scott, are you gay?

Scott: Are you?

Dan: I have a wife and two kids.

Scott: That doesn't
answer my question.

(shower running)

(Mark singing)

(Music: Let it Roll)

Mark: Ohh, baby, big load.

Did I ever tell you
that I love you?

Lorri: No.

Mark: Lying bitch!

That's it, I'm pulling over.

You're getting out.

Lorri: Good.

Then you can give
that ring you gave me

back to the Cracker
Jack company.

Mark: So, how's the
warrior brother doing?

Lorri: Better than I am.

Mark: You worried?

Lorri: Worried, angry.

He should be off at college,

not fighting for
Corporate America

or lying politicians.

Mark: Well, I think it's time
we put our minds to the beach.

Lorri: Superficial musician.

Mark: Calling me superficial?

Lorri: No, calling you a
musician, lowest of low.

Mark: Kiss me.

Lorri: No.

Mark: Touch it.

Lorri: Not now.

Mark: (sighs) Later?

Lorri: (laughs)
That all depends.

Mark: If you tag me, I'll do
anything you want tonight.

Lorri: Does that mean I
get to sleep by myself?

Mark: Aww, that's
a nasty thought.

(splash)

Logan: When you kids are
through screwing around,

we can get under way.

Mark: It's her fault!

(boat motor)

Need some help?

Brandon: So how far is
it to Oneida Shores?

Logan: About 25 miles, but
we have to go through a lock,

and that's going to
slow things down a bit.

Brandon: So, how long?

Logan: About an hour
and a half, two hours.

Brandon: It's
beautiful out here.

A little noisy, but beautiful.

Too bad Ken was busy.

Logan: As usual.

Brandon: Want a root beer?

Logan: Root beer? Real
men drink beer beer.

Brandon: Real captains
drink no bear.

Logan: Thanks, Mom.

Lorri: Hey, guys, listen up.

there's an interesting
article in the Times.

Brandon: Women
read, men jerk off.

Logan: I'm telling your dad.

Lorri: Research at
Syracuse University

in Upstate New York suggests

that men who purchase
how-powered sports cars

and speed boats
may be compensating

for self-perceived
sexual inadequacy.

Mark: Where the fuck
did this come from?

Lorri: Idiots. I'm on
a boat with idiots.

Sarah: And, we've got a lot
to do to make this happen,

so I'm going to divide
up the workload.

Captain Dan, I want
you to get all the

permissions and permits
that we might need

to any of the villages
where we dock.

Oh, and as a heads up,

when you hire a crew,

they better be cute and liberal.

Dan: Oh, Sarah, I don't
think that we can ask,

"Do you like fags?" on an
employment application.

Libby: Is this a violation
of "don't ask, don't tell"?

Sarah: Not any more.

My brave and brilliant captain,

I'm sure you'll find
a way to handle this.

Okay, Libby, you're going
to handle the marketing,

so we're going to need
to update the web site

and create a new brochure
for this special package.

Peter, I want you to handle
the food and entertainment.

Peter: Why me?

Sarah: Because you have ...

Peter: I'm just kidding.

I love food and entertainment,

especially gay food
and entertainment.

Logan: I just want you to
know, I don't need any help!

Brandon: Smile, 3, 2, 1.

Lorri: Okay.

Brandon, give me the camera.

I'm going to take
one of you and Logan.

So get together, closer.

Okay, right here.

Lorri: Okay, another one, happy.

Brandon: How'd it turn out?

Lorri: Like a pair of monkeys.

(laughs)

Mark: I think the
women folk should

go get some food together
while us men build houses.

Brandon: I'll stay with Lorri.

You two bucks have fun
pitching the tents.

Mark: Keep your hands
on the food, not Lorri.

Brandon: I think he likes you.

Lorri: You think?

(guitar music)

Mark: This is too close.

Logan: Here?

Mark: Here.

Logan: Oh, the man
wants his privacy

so nobody hears
the woman scream.

Mark: No, it's the view.

Is there a bathroom around here?

Logan: Not unless
you brought one.

There is one about a
mile down the trail,

and good luck with the snakes.

Mark: Piss on that.

Get it?

I'll be back in a minute.

Logan: So, what are
you gals fixing?

Oh, sorry Brandon.

Lorri: You've been hanging
out too much with Markie.

Where is my man-like friend?

Logan: Peeing.

Lorri: That sounds about right.

Lunch is almost ready.

Mark: Yeah, baby.

Mm.

Ouch.

(laughs)

(Mark making slurping noises)

Oh yeah, give it to him.

Ah!

Circumsized.

(laughs)

Lorri: You're slow, you're slow.

Logan: Oh, come on, Pansy!

Eat it!

Lorri: Hey, you.

We're going for a walk.

Logan: Watch out for poison ivy.

Lorri: Right?

Brandon: Watch out for Mark.

Lorri: We'll be back
in an hour or so.

I'm hoping the baby
will get tired.

Logan: Have fun.

Brandon: We could practice.

Logan: We could get some sun.

Brandon: You win.

(Music: Take Me Home Tonight)

(dog panting)

Logan: Where did you come from?

Brandon: It's so cute.

I guess it's time
we get back to camp.

Logan: Or we could
just stay out here.

Brandon: This
place is beautiful.

Logan: You're not
so bad yourself,

if you weren't such a bad ass.

(upbeat music)

Driver: Sir, you want
me to wait, right?

Bill: Yes.

Driver: That's gonna
cost, wait time.

Bill: No problem.

Driver: Is there
anything else, sir?

Bill: No, Dad.

We should be wrapped
in about half an hour.

Driver: Okay, boys. Be safe.

Bill: Keep the change.

(Music: Lose Control)

Peter: (claps) That
was outstanding!

Exactly what we're looking for.

Bill and Martin:
We are the best.

Peter: No doubt.

Bill: You want us?

Peter: It's a deal.

Driver: I watched your show.

Bill: And?

Driver: It was okay,

but I think you can make
more money selling drugs.

Martin: Or drive a limo!

(laughter)

Brandon: Are you
sure you saw them?

Mark: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He checked them
just before we left,

but I don't remember
where he put 'em.

Brandon: I think
that this is illegal.

Mark: It's not like this
is a robbery or something.

Brandon: No, but he
did say that they're

required by the Coast Guard.

Mark: Oh, yeah.

They're probably out
looking for us right now.

"Admiral, there are not
enough flares on Logan's boat.

"Dispatch the Navy."

Mark: Yes, here they are!

Brandon: Logan's
going to be pissed.

Mark: How's that
different from usual?

Brandon: Let's get out of here.

Mark: Hey, look at it this way,

it's all in the name of romance.

Brandon: Just like rape.

Mark: You are a sick puppy!

Hey, if we really
want to get Logan,

we could untie the boat.

Brandon. Great idea.

Mark: I hope you're
not being sarcastic,

otherwise I'll have
to cut your nuts off,

if I could find them.

Brandon: Fag.

Mark: Is it that obvious?

Brandon: I know what you could
do with one of those flares.

(water splashing)

(guitar music)

Mark: Most of you may know me

as an amazing
drummer and vocalist,

but you may not know

that I'm also a
master of guitar.

Logan: Right, you tell 'em.

(laughs)

Mark: I'm dedicating this song

to the most beautiful
and brilliant woman

in the entire world.

Logan: Your mother.

(laughs)

Mark: Lorri,

who lights up my life
with every breath

every time I see her.

Logan: Or touch her.

Lorri: Logan, you're
feeling sentimental.

Why don't you do a dedication.

Mark: It's all right.

Lorri: Logan?

Logan: I dedicate
this, uh, Mark's song,

to anyone who can't see the love
that's right in front of them.

Lorri: That's nice.

Brandon?

Brandon: I ...

Logan: Thanks.

Brandon: dedicate this song
to those who are afraid.

Lorri: Afraid? Of what?

Brandon: I don't know.

Themselves, i guess.

(music playing)

Libby: Good afternoon,
and thanks for coming.

I'm here to select
models for a brochure

and a short video for the web.

we are introducing a gay cruise.

Model 1: Hey, do you
think we look gay?

Model 2: This is
a fucking outrage!

Model 3: Would you like your
friends to see you as gay?

Maybe you are.

Model 4: I'm not doing
something with another guy!

Model 5: Typecast!

The guys that look too
good are always gay!

Model 1: Such bullshit!

Model 3: Come on, guys, get her!

Libby: And I wanted
you to know this

in case it's an issue for you.

Okay, moving right along.

the headshot is for my sister.

Just kidding.

This is the part I've
been waiting for.

Would you please
remove your clothes?

Your shirts, that is.

Man: Freudian slip?

Libby: Wishful thinking.

Decisions, decisions.

Oh, screw it!

You're all hired.

Dad was right, I am easy.

Mark: Kerosene.

Is this cool or what?

They used to use
this on the railroad

before there was
batteries, and on farms,

back before there
was rural electric.

Lorri: Yeah, and Mrs.
O'Leary's cow knocked one over

and almost took out
half of Chicago.

Mark: I thought you'd like it.

Lorri: I do, it's beautiful.

Mark: You're beautiful.

Lorri: I know.

Mark: No, I mean like
the most beautiful.

As beautiful as the stars.

Lorri: Mm, and I was
hoping for the moon,

my sensitive poetic
man. (laughs)

Wait, other side.

Shadows.

Mark: Ahh, yeah.

I'm attracted to smart women,

and the moon.

Lorri: Ahh, then you've
come to the right place.

(laughing)

(soft music)

Brandon: Mark gave it to me.

Logan: What?

Brandon: The lantern.

Logan: Oh.

Brandon: I never knew
it could be so quiet.

Logan: Quiet lets you think.

Brandon: About what?

Logan: Life and other shit,

like the band's success.

We have a better chance of
getting eaten by wolves tonight.

Brandon: Man, it's hot in here.

Logan: Maybe the lantern.

Brandon: Maybe it's
global warming.

That's better.

Could it be the alcohol?

Logan: No way, alcohol
makes you cool.

So, what are you gonna
be when you grow up?

Brandon: I've always been what
my parents wanted me to be.

Logan: Parents just want clones

to take over the
family business.

Brandon: I've always
had to be perfect.

Dad wouldn't approve of
my behind here right now.

Logan: How's that?

Brandon: There's
alcohol, for one thing,

not that he doesn't drink.

And Mark and Lorri
are sexual sinners

who might corrupt my purity.

(laughs)

Do you believe in God?

Logan: God, the
invention of man.

Strike me down.

Brandon: Yeah, that one.

Logan: I don't think
we know much about

our existence in the
rest of the universe.

There's no big guy up in the sky

that knows and
controls everything.

Or he's really bad at his job.

Brandon: Blasphemy!

Logan: A bunch of
guys got together,

certainly no women,

and wrote a novel
titled, "The Holy Bible"

and used the rambling
bore to their advantage

as the "Word of God",

and so we got things
like the Dark Ages,

the Salem Witch Trials,

the Spanish Inquisition,

the Crusades.

Brandon: Maybe I
shouldn't have asked.

The Church does good things.

Logan: Right.

Like wars make jobs
for the unemployed.

Brandon: So, what do you
think about the Beatles?

Logan: You already know.

Why don't you ask
me about love or sex

or condom use?

Something appropriate
for tent talk?

Don't you wonder why I
don't have a Lorri in tow?

Brandon: No.

I mean, it's not my business.

I didn't bring anyone either.

Logan: I noticed.

So are you afraid to ask?

Brandon: What's that
supposed to mean?

Logan: You tell me.

Brandon: I think it's
time to get some sleep.

Logan: Are you afraid?

Brandon: Yeah.

(music playing)

(students talking)

Professor: Good afternoon.

Hello.

Ah, how nice.

First, a reminder.

For those of you who
have not yet seen

the Syracuse stage production
of Death of a Salesman,

you must do so by Wednesday,

and no, it is not
my autobiography.

Now, are there any questions?

Good.

Today's exercise is being
presented by Mark and Logan.

They have asked me
to set the scene.

This place is neither
heaven nor hell,

just a way-point in the
afterlife where two men meet

as they head further
into the unknown.

(drum beats)

Logan: Hi.

Mark: Hi.

I'm Matt.

Logan: Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet anyone.

Do you know where we are?

Mark: And you are ...

Logan: Oh, sorry.
Tyler Clementi.

Are we dead?

Mark: What do you think?

Logan: Are we in Heaven?

Mark: I don't think so.

Logan: We're not in Hell.

I mean, it's much too nice here.

Have you seen God?

I mean, is God here?

Mark: Yeah.

He's right over there

with Santa and those elf
guys that make all the toys.

Logan: Dumb question.

Mark: Very.

Logan: So, are there
other people here?

Mark: I don't know.

Logan: So, what's your name?

You might know that.

Mark: Shepard.

Logan: Hm, like the shepherds

who watched their
flocks by night,

and followed a shining
star to Bethlehem?

Mark: No, more
like the shepherds

that worked their
asses off all day,

chasing sheep around so
they could sheer them

or sell them or eat
them for dinner.

Logan: And liked their
sheep a little too much?

Matthew Shepard.

Oh, my God.

Excuse that ...

Not the Matthew
Shepard from Wyoming.

Mark: Bingo.

Logan: I remember
there was an incident.

Mark: Yeah, an incident.

Maybe for you.

Logan: I'm sorry.

Really sorry.

I was only a child.

You're gay.

What happened?

Mark: You're gay?

Logan: I was.

Mark: And now you're not?

Logan: Well, now I'm dead.

Mark: Right.

Logan: So, what happened?

Mark: I was doing the
Community College thing.

One night I was out at a bar,

not too far from campus,

and these two guys offered
to give me a ride home.

I wasn't sure just why, just
a kind gesture, I thought.

Logan: Did they
think you were gay?

Mark: Some people in
Laramie knew, some didn't.

Most could care less.

I was in a bit of a fog.

Poor judgment maybe,

maybe no judgment.

Logan: Maybe alcohol.

Mark: I hopped into their
truck and off we went.

The next thing I knew,

one of them was
punching me in the face,

then dragged me over to a
fence and tied me to it.

They kicked the shit out of me,

and pounded my face
with a tire iron

until my brain was mush!

They found me there
the next morning,

half frozen, half
naked, half dead.

An ambulance took me to
the hospital to linger.

I guess, waiting to come here.

Logan: Why did they pick you?

Mark: Because they hate us.

Because they can't
accept that we're normal.

Logan: Are we?

Mark: Look around.

Is there a place on earth
where you don't find gays,

except maybe Iran?

Some people think they
can justify their anger

and their hate with
the word "choice".

Hell, maybe you can choose

what you want to
major in at college

or who you want to marry,

but you can't choose whether
you're gay or straight,

any more than you can choose
the color of your eyes

or the size of your dick.

I'm sorry.

You should see me when
I really get going.

Tell me something
about yourself.

Logan: I can't.

Mark: Can't? Then
I 'm outta here.

Logan: Wait!

I want to talk with you.

I'm just afraid.

Mark: Afraid?

What do you have to fear?

You're dead.

Logan: Every time
I share my feelings

about who I really am
with anyone, I get hurt.

(sighs)

And every time I hide who
I am, I hurt even more.

Mark: I'm not going to hurt you.

Come over here.

Logan: How much do
you want to know?

Mark: I want to know
how you got here.

Logan: I was a student in
my Freshman year at Rutgers.

I was a music
major in fine arts.

I play the violin, I
have since I was a child.

Mark: Do you play well?

Logan: Yeah, I
guess, for my age.

Mark: Would you play for me?

Logan: Well, I would,
if I had my violin,

but I didn't bring it with me.

(violin music)

Mark: Wow.

I mean, wow!

Logan: Thanks.

Mark: So, you were at college.

Logan: I lived in a
dorm with a roommate.

Mark: Gay?

Logan: No.

I don't think so.

Who knows?

He probably thought I was gay.

No football talk, no girls
in and out, a neat freak.

Mark: Was he worried that
his friends would think

he was gay if he
roomed with a gay guy?

Logan: I don't really
know what he was thinking.

One afternoon, I asked him

if we could have our room to
myself from 9 until midnight.

I told him I wanted
to have a friend over.

He was okay with it.

Mark: A "friend"?

Logan: Busted!

I met a guy on the Internet,

a student in the
drama department.

Josh.

Mark: Cute?

Logan: I liked the way he looked

and what he had to say.

We both liked classical music,

and I wanted to get
to know him better.

Mark: You could have
just gone out for coffee.

Logan: Could have.

Didn't.

You know, there's
always this fantasy

that something wonderful
is going to happen.

Maybe love.

I wanted to be ready.

Mark: Did he show up?

Logan: Right on time,

and I was just so wanting
to be with another guy.

We talked.

We talked too much,

and then, "Bam!"

I can't remember
all the details.

The clothes came off,
and we hugged, and-

Mark: I get the picture.

Logan: Then he left.

I was so happy, like really
hard to get to sleep happy,

thinking where this might go.

Mark: And this killed you?

Logan: No.

Mark: So your roommate
knew what happened,

came back at midnight,

and stabbed you to death
in a homophobic rage?

Logan: No.

Mark: Then what?

Logan: The next morning, as
I walked through the campus,

I noticed something
was different.

It was strange.

People's reactions.

Mark: Maybe it was love.

That can change everything.

Logan: I wish it was
love, but it wasn't.

My roommate had hidden a
video camera in our room,

and streamed my date
on the Internet.

Mark: Very funny.

What really happened?

Logan: Not very funny.

The bastard really did it.

Mark: Fuck.

Logan: I didn't
know where to turn.

I didn't know how to
explain any of this

to my family, my
friends, or Josh.

Mark: So you went back to
your roommate to kill him,

and he got the upper hand?

Logan: No, I wish I had.

I didn't know what to do.

Mark: How could he do this?

Logan: It doesn't matter.

I just wanted to be alone

so I didn't have to
explain me to anyone.

I was in real pain.

Mark: I don't want to hear this.

Logan: I left the dorm and
just sat dazed in my car,

trying to understand.

Nothing.

So I drove over to the
George Washington Bridge.

Mark: I don't want to hear this.

Logan: I had my laptop with me,

and I sent one last message

that I was sorry for being ...

Mark: Being?

Logan: Then, I walked
out onto the bridge.

It vibrated with the sounds
of passing cars and trucks.

The fumes of dust and
wind made it surreal.

I was scared,

but here was a way I could
wash away this shame,

the terror, everything.

Mark: You jumped?

Logan: No, not exactly.

I wanted to see if
God would save me.

I wanted him to
accept me as I was.

I took a step forward, a test.

I tried to fly like an angel,

arms spread wide
over the Hudson.

Mark: How could you?

Logan: Fly?

Mark: You didn't
step off that bridge.

You were pushed.

Logan: No, I was alone.

Mark: Pushed by every
asshole who thinks

we're a threat to their
screwed-up version of the world.

I wish I could've stood
with you on that bridge.

We wouldn't be here today.

Tyler, you told a terrible lie,

that it's better to
be dead than gay.

Logan: So, you think
I did the wrong thing?

Mark: (laughs) Can we dance?

Logan: I'm not much of a dancer.

Mark: I'm not either.

It's not like this is
"Dancing with the Stars".

It's more like,
dancing in the stars.

(violin music)

Do you like cowboys?

Logan: Are you a cowboy?

(applause)

Professor: Nice, very nice.

Don't forget about
Death of a Salesman

by next Wednesday.

We'll chat about this
scene at our next class.

(organ music)

Betty: You can do this now,

as you're gonna cut
around the outside.

Now, if you do something

that is against Jesus'
teachings, what happens?

Boy: You go to Hell and
the Devil hurts you.

It's very hot.

Betty: Very good.

No one here wants to
go to Hell, do they?

Only evil people go to Hell,

people who don't accept
Jesus Christ as their savior.

Girl: But if you do
what God tells you,

you can join Him in
Heaven, or Jesus,

and there are angels.

Betty: Yes, beautiful angels

that you can live with forever.

That is the reward for doing
what the Bible teaches us.

(rock music)

■ (lyrics) Truth be
told you can get to be

■ Just be who you
are so naturally

■ Just be who you are so ... ■

Ken: Sorry, guys.

I was shooting
video in the park.

Perfect day!

Brandon: Sorry, guys!

I was shooting video of
everything in the universe

in my bedroom.

(rimshot)

Ken: Well, you guys
won't be laughing

when I do this music video
and Ellen Degeneres calls.

Mark: Uh, hi, Ken. It's Ellen.

Would you like to sleep
with Portia? I do.

Oh, and about that
video you sent ...

Logan: Just pick
up your damn bass

and let's make some music.

Ken: What are we doing?

Brandon: Let's go
back to "Danny Boy".

Logan: Not very original.

Brandon: Our interpretation is.

Think Coleman's Irish Pub.

I talked to him,
okay? A real gig.

Logan: Good enough.

Mark: 1, 2, 3.

(upbeat rock music)

■ (lyrics) Oh, Danny boy

■ The pipes, the
pipes are calling

■ From glen to glen and
down the mountainside

■ The summer's gone and
all the flowers are dying

■ It's you, it's you must
go, and I must fight ■

Mayor: Corruption starts here.

What can I do for you?

Dan: I believe I
need a permit to use

the Marina Park, Your Honor.

Mayor: Dan, cut the
ingratiating flattery.

If you really want
something, hand me money!

Dan: I forgot.

Mayor: So, how are
things going at Upstate

during this too
long of a recession.

Dan: Well, things
are going just okay.

We're trying some new
stuff to build revenue.

Mayor: You're starting
a cruise that will
kick off in our marina.

You know, it's this
kind of micro-innovation

that this town needs.

That will help out the
hotels, the restaurants,

the 10 million gift
shops, and on it goes.

The real industries in this
town are gone or going.

Dan: I hear you.

Mayor: We don't even
know what to teach

the kids in school anymore.

If you'll answer
a few questions,

I'll get this application
over to Commissioner Banks.

Do you need of the following,

electric service?

Dan: Yes.

Mayor: Water?

Dan: Yes.

Mayor: You'll need
proof of insurance.

Dan: I'll get that over
to you by fax later today.

Mayor: To Commissioner
Banks, if you please.

Is this event open
to the public?

Dan: No, it's a
welcoming, uh, party

for cruise guests only.

Mayor: That's okay, but there'll
be a $100 a day use fee,

payable in advance.

Dan: I'll get you a
check before I leave.

You know, that's about as
much money as I can spend

without Sarah's permission.

Mayor: (laughs) It's good
to have a woman in charge

of the purse strings.

Dan: And everything else.

Mayor: Bad boy.

So, you should be
all set, young man.

I'll get this over
to the Commissioner,

and you should hear
from him by tomorrow.

Dan: Thank you.

Mayor: So, am I invited?

Dan: There's always
room for the mayor.

Perhaps you could give a speech

since it's our first
departure from Palmyra.

Mayor: Hmm, maybe we could
even get some media coverage.

Always helps in
an election year.

So, what are the things that
are special about this cruise?

What key points
will help Upstate?

Dan: Well, it's the
first gay cruise

to be offered on the
Erie, as far as I know.

Here's the brochure that
Libby's been working on.

Mayor: Hm.

Now, this is interesting.

(phone rings)

Reverend: Damn.

Reverend Scholder here.

Oh, hi Betty, how are you doing?

Great, and the kids?

Betty: Oh, they're fine,

except Tara, who is worried
about the Holy Ghost.

You know how little girls are.

Reverend: Betty, I really
appreciate the work

you're doing in Bible School.

Now, why do I have the
pleasure of talking with you

this lovely morning?

Betty: Reverend, I'd really like
to speak with you in person.

Reverend: Betty, I
hope this isn't about

your salary for next year.

You know how the
church is stretched.

Betty: No, it's about some
younger church members.

Reverend: Okay.

Would you like to stop
by here tomorrow morning?

Betty: Will Brandon be there?

Reverend: I doubt it.

There's school, practice,
and whatever kids do.

Do you want him here?

Betty: No, that'll be fine.

I'll see you in the morning.

Reverend: See you.

Peter: Okay, and you guys
are the Bi-Polar Bears.

Bear: Right you are!

Thanks for having us here!

I'd introduce the band members,

but we're kind of private.

We don't want fans chasing
us down after the show.

You know how it is.

Being famous is difficult.

Guys?

We're ready to play.

Peter: Okay, let's do it!

Bear: We picked
this little number

special for the cruise and all.

Peter: Great.

(Music: Anchors Aweigh)

Peter: Okay, good choice.

It's very ...

maritime.

Bear: You know, we
also do comedy too

to bring the crowds in.

Here's a little
something for you.

What's the shortest joke
in the English language?

I'm off drugs.

(rimshot)

Mark: Good evening, Mr. Wiles.

Thank you for allowing
us to audition.

Let me introduce
the group to you.

On keyboards, we have Brandon.

On bass guitar, Ken.

Lead guitar is Logan,

and I'm Mark, doing all
the percussion stuff.

Do you have any
questions for us?

Peter: You know the performance

will be spread over a few days.

This is a gay cruise,

and much of the time will
be spent playing on a boat.

Mark: We do.

Peter: Okay, so whenever
you guys are ready.

(music: Open Eyes)

■ (lyrics) I look at
you, you look at me

■ We seem to feel the same way

■ Or is it all
just hopeless lies

■ I think that you
are just like me

■ It's safe to say
we are the same

■ A face behind a thin disguise

■ Love can heal you,
love can steal you

■ Break you, use you,
look right through you

■ Love can break your
heart, it's no surprise

■ Jump right in with open eyes

■ True love dies
when eyes are closed

■ To see a love's deceit

■ Open up to love
to true emotion

■ Let it flow right through you

■ Jump right in with open eyes

■ Open eyes

■ I look at you, you look at me

■ We seem to feel the same way

■ Just jump right
in with open eyes ■

Mark: Would you like us
to play something else?

Perhaps a standard, maybe.

Peter: No,

if you want the gig, it's yours.

Mark: Yes. Yes, definitely.

we definitely want it.

Betty: Thank you, Reverend.

Reverend: So, what's up?

Betty: Well, I was walking
past the choir room,

and I looked in, you know,

just to make sure
things were okay,

and I saw Logan kissing someone.

Reverend: Betty, there's
nothing wrong with kissing,

even in the church.

Betty: Reverend, he was
kissing another boy.

Reverend: A boy? Are you sure?

Betty: Quite.

Reverend: Well,
that's different.

Did any of your
students see anything?

Betty: No, they'd all been
sent home for the day.

Reverend: Thank goodness.

Did you say anything to Logan?

Logan Betting?

Betty: Heavens, no!

You're the first
person I've come to.

Reverend: The Bible
takes a pretty dim view

of this type of behavior.

I'll talk to him.

Betty: There's more.

Reverend: More?

Betty: Logan was kissing ...

Brandon.

Reverend: My Brandon?

My son?

That's impossible!

He isn't ...

Betty: I saw what I saw!

Reverend: Betty, please don't
talk to anyone about this.

I need to,

I, I need to find the truth.

(phone rings)

Dan: Hello.

Commissioner: Good morning, Dan.

Commissioner Banks here.

Dan: Commissioner, good morning.

I was hoping to hear from you.

How are we doing on the permit?

Commissioner: The mayor tells me

we're going to have
a public hearing.

Dan: When is this meeting?

Commissioner: A week from today,
1 p.m., in the Village Hall.

Dan: Because a couple of gay
people are coming to town.

Commissioner: I guess.

Dan: (sighs) You know,

I suspected a couple
are already there.

They ought to put a
sign out on Route 20

that says no Blacks,
Jews, Hispanics, Muslims,

or gays allowed.

Commissioner: I'm really
sorry about this, Dan,

but let's just
see how things go.

(knocking)

Reverend: Brandon?

(suspenseful music)

What have I done wrong?

We need you, Claire.

I think we need you
more than God right now.

(door closes)

Reverend: Home early.

Brandon: I guess, a little.

Are we going out to eat?

Reverend: Sure.

I need to make a
couple of calls.

Where have you been?

Brandon: At practice.

Reverend: Practice, the band?

Brandon: Yup.

Reverend: Logan Betting
is in your band, isn't he?

Brandon: Last I knew.

Dan: This really surprises me.

Sarah: Word has it
the Reverend devoted

part of his sermon on Sunday to,

and I quote, "The Gay Plague",

and he wasn't
talking about AIDS.

Dan: I think the
Reverend is losing it.

Too much Bible reading.

Sarah: I've got a bad feeling

that some of his flock
followed him here tonight.

Dan: You know what
Dad always said?

Church is for those
who need it most.

(side conversations)

Brandon: Why am I here?

Reverend: You're here
because you're my son

and a member of our church,

and because you don't want
a boatload of homosexuals

congregating in the
middle of our town, right?

Brandon: Doesn't the
Constitution give citizens

the right to assemble?

Reverend: Not here, if I have
anything to say about it.

This is a battle we can win.

(Mayor bangs gavel)

Mayor: Good evening, and
thank you all for being here.

Let me cut right to the
reason for this meeting.

Commissioner Banks has a request

for a park use permit
from Upstate Cruise Lines.

During the permit review,
concern was expressed

by Reverend Scholder,

saying that the citizens of
Palmyra should be allowed

to provide input since
granting the permit

might run contrary to
community values, as he put it.

So, this meeting is a part
of the review process.

At this time, I would
like to invite Dan,

from Upstate, to
say a few words.

Dan?

Dan: Your honor, board
members, community.

Good evening.

Let me begin by saying
that I was surprised

that this meeting was
called as part of the permit

Reverend: He's probably gay.

Dan: It seems to be
such a simple matter.

Dan: We've met all the

Dan: requirements for
a permit to be issued.

I'm just asking that
our request be honored,

as is set forth in the
Village's Rules and Regulations.

I would urge the board to
end this meeting at this time

and approve our request.

Thank you.

Mayor: We understand
your request,

but we did offer
Reverend Scholder the
opportunity to speak,

which he accepted,

Dan: Big surprise.

Mayor: I'd like to
invite Reverend Scholder

to the microphone,

after which we will accept
input from all present.

Reverend?

Reverend: First, let me indicate
my extreme disappointment

that we did not open this
meeting with a prayer.

We all need His guidance.

Your Honor, Board Members,
assembled friends,

we are faced with an
issue that rises above,

far above the Town's written
Rules and Regulations.

Do we want to approve bringing
a boatload of gay people

into our marina?

We don't know how
they'll behave.

Do we want our children to see

men holding hands
with other men,

or hugging,

Dan: I feel like I'm at

Dan: the Scopes Monkey Trial.

Reverend: Do we want to answer
our children's questions

about these people?

Can we, as good
Christians, say to them

that we allowed these
perverted people

into our community when
our Holy Bible tells us

that their behavior
is an abomination?

Of course not.

This right to determine
our village's moral posture

is the very reason a
permit is required.

God-fearing people have the
right to protect themselves.

I and my congregation ask
that you support God's law,

and deny Upstate's request.

Thank you.

Mayor: I want to thank
you all for coming.

We will accept written input
through tomorrow at noon

after which time the permit will
be either denied or granted.

Good night.

(suspenseful music)

Officer Burkett: Please
put your vehicle in park,

set the emergency brake,
and turn off your engine.

Do you have any
weapons in the vehicle?

Logan: No, Officer.

Officer Burkett: I need to
see your driver's license

and registration, sir.

Do you know why I
pulled you over?

Logan: Because you don't
have anything better to do?

Officer Burkett: Please
step out of the vehicle.

Keep your hands where
I could see them.

Logan: I'm sorry, Officer.

I was only joking.

Officer Burkett: Step
out of the car, now.

Turn to face the vehicle,
hands behind your back.

Logan: What have I done?

Officer Burkett: You're
driving without tail lights.

Logan: I didn't know.

Officer Burkett: Now you do.

Do I have your permission
to inspect the vehicle

and its contents?

Logan: Sure.

I didn't mean to
be disrespectful.

Officer Burkett:
What's in this bag?

Logan: Just some clothes,
some school stuff.

Officer Burkett: Is
this school stuff?

Logan: That's not mine.

I don't know where
that came from!

Officer Burkett: Right.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say can and
will be used against you

in a court of law.

Clerk: Logan Betting?

Logan: Yes.

Clerk: Am I correct
that you've been read

your Miranda Rights?

Logan: Yes, but I
haven't done anything.

Clerk: Just answer
my questions, son.

Do you have a lawyer?

Logan: I haven't done anything.

I've, Ive ...

This is a mistake!

Clerk: Right, just
answer the questions,

and this will be
over a lot sooner.

Do you have a lawyer?

Logan: No, sir.

Clerk: Is there anyone
you want to call?

Logan: I don't know.

Clerk: Your parents?
A friend? Anyone?

Well, when you do
know, you get one call.

Holding room B, the usual.

Officer Burkett: Let's go.

Logan: Am I going to jail?

Officer Burkett: No,
you're not going to jail.

You're in jail.

As far as I can tell,
you're not going anywhere.

(beeps)

(click)

Please remove your
clothes, into the bag.

(dramatic music)

Keep going.

Put your arms out to your sides

and spread your legs apart.

Open.

Wider.

I need to check for contraband,

so I need you to bend forward.

Logan: I don't have contraband.

I haven't done anything.

Don't you understand?

Officer Burkett: Son,
I'm just doing my job.

Now, bend forward.

Clear.

Special disinfectant.

Kills everything.

Hopefully, you'll survive.

Do everything,
including your hair.

Logan: You're going to watch?

Officer Burkett: Boy, in jail,
you're always being watched.

By the guards, by the TV
cameras, by the other inmates,

so get used to it.

Instructor: This lab is like
detective show on television.

You like, right?

You have been given
five envelopes of
white powder samples.

Each one has a letter on it.

You received this
last lab from your TA.

Now, over the next two weeks,

you must identify these powders

Barbara: I only see 4 samples.

Instructor: and
chemical analysis.

Instructor: Questions?

Brandon: Oh, no.

Brandon: Barbara,
we're missing E.

Brandon: We're gonna
flunk chemistry.

Our lives are over!

Barbara: Shut up!

Barbara: Now, how do
you lose something

Barbara: from a bundle?

Brandon: Bad
parenting, that's it.

Barbara: Okay, I'll
ask for another E,

Barbara: but now you owe me.

Brandon: Barbara,

Brandon: you be the man.

Barbara: You be the ass.

Instructor: In China,
we say, "Only taste if
we identify a wine."

(students laugh)

Officer Burkett: Good
morning, Reverend.

Tim Burkett here.

Reverend: Good morning, Tim.

Officer Burkett: I'm
calling to let you know

that your suspicions
about Logan Betting

appear to have been correct.

I stopped him last night
without tail lights.

Perfect excuse, and he
had what appears to be

church property.

I'll need you to come down
and identify the stuff.

Reverend: No problem.

Officer Burkett: Why
did you suspect Logan?

I'm trying to
understand this case.

Reverend: Well, a
chalice disappeared

a couple of weeks ago.

Officer Burkett: Did
you see Logan take it?

Reverend: I didn't
know who at first,

but then I remembered him
putting a duffle bag in his car,

and it just came to me that
this might be the chalice,

like a message from God.

Officer Burkett:
How's 9 this morning?

Reverend: Good.

Officer Burkett: See you then.

A message from God?

Haven't had one of those lately.

(knocking)

Doctor: Bran-don?

How are you doing?

Brandon: Okay, I guess.

Doctor: Good.

Wow, I've been seeing
you for about 20 years.

Seems like yesterday.

Looks like you're due
for a tetanus booster.

I'll have the nurse do
one before you leave.

Any medical questions?

Anything bothering you?

Brandon: I don't think so.

Doctor: Anyone
special in your life?

Brandon: Not really.

You know how important it
is to practice safe sex.

Condoms, disease testing of
potential partners and the like?

Brandon: I do.

Doctor: I think we should
do some blood work today.

Check the usual stuff, also
check for STDs and HIV,

if that's okay with you.

Brandon: Why?

Doctor: To establish a baseline.

Arm.

Brandon, what passes between
us is totally confidential,

and I'm in an awkward place.

It's partly my fault.

Brandon: Meaning?

Doctor: Meaning your
father called me.

Brandon: Why?

Doctor: Just a second.

It's very good.

He's concerned that you
might be involved with a guy.

Brandon: A guy? He said that?

Doctor: Yes.

Brandon: Why?

Doctor: I don't know, but
he asked that I look into it

as a personal favor.

Brandon: And you're doing it?

Doctor: Not really.

I'm here for you.

Brandon: So what are
you going to tell him?

Doctor: I'm thinking.

He's a difficult man to allude.

Brandon: Do you know
why he thinks I'm gay?

Doctor: No. Are you?

Brandon: Yes.

Maybe you should recheck
my blood pressure.

Officer Burkett: Thank you.

So, how's my best
little girl tonight?

Barbara: She's in college.

She's 18 years old, and
hopes to be a physician.

Officer Burkett: Any
numbers in your classes

that I should be worried about?

Barbara: I don't
think so, Daddy.

Of course, there is
Brandon Scholder.

Officer Burkett:
The minister's son?

Barbara: That's the one.

He's my lab partner.

Officer Burkett:
Biology or chemistry?

Barbara: Chemistry.

Officer Burkett: Who's smarter?

Barbara: Dad! That's
not politically correct.

Officer Burkett: So?

Barbara: He lost
one of the samples

we were supposed to identify.

Officer Burkett: Hm. Sounds
like police lab work,

identifying stuff.

Want me to get you a job here?

Barbara: Oh, you
don't know how much

I want to work for my
Dad in the police lab.

Officer Burkett: Do I
detect a note of sarcasm?

So, did you find the sample?

Hope it wasn't urine!

Barbara: Dad!

We got a replacement
from Dr. Zewei.

Officer Burkett:
So, what was it?

Barbara: Don't know yet.

Just white powder E so far.

Rick: What you staring at?

Logan: Nothing!

Rick: You be checkin'
out these guns, huh?

Logan: No.

Rick: No? Hell yeah!

Nice, huh?

Logan: Yeah, nice.

Rick: Go on, touch that bad boy.

Logan: No, thank you.

Rick: I wasn't asking
you to touch it.

I was telling you.

You understand?

Atta boy.

(loud foghorn-type noise)

Logan: What was that?

Rick: Could have been a
guy getting the chair.

So I've heard.

Logan: But this is a jail.

They don't kill people here.

Rick: Yes, they do.

Real prison's next
door. I know that.

Logan: So what did you do?

Rick: What you mean?

Logan: To be put in jail?

Rick: Jail, right.

I asked my bud for a favor.

A real personal favor.

He says, "No."

So I pulled out my gun,
and I asked him again.

The fool still says, "No,"
so I put it to his head.

I said, "What?"

He got all scared,
so I shot him.

Logan: Oh, my God.

Rick: I mean, that's what
he was expecting, right?

Wishing for something
and BAM, it comes true.

Logan: So, you killed somebody,

and you're in this jail?

Rick: Right now I
am, can't you see?

Smile pretty.

Watch this.

Logan: Won't the
guards notice that?

Rick: I doubt it.

Maybe tomorrow.

You warm?

Logan: I'm okay, thanks.

(door slams)

Rick: You look warm.

Logan: I'm okay.

Rick: In fact, you look hot.

Logan: No, I'm ...

What are you saying?

Rick: You know what I'm saying,

and you're going
to do what I say.

Logan: Please, don't.

Rick: What about
"pretty please"?

What's your name?

Logan: Logan.

You don't want to do
this. Guards will come.

Rick: Not if you're
quiet, Logan,

and you are going to
be very quiet, Logan.

I'm going to help you.

Logan: Please, don't.

I can get you money.

Rick: Stop acting like a baby.

I don't fuck babies.

Logan: Please, I'm in school!

Rick: Pull your shorts down,

or do you want me to do it?

You smell so good,
not like prison.

You look damn good
for a White boy.

Logan: Please, I beg
you, don't do this.

Rick: You're not scared
of Rick, are you?

Logan: Yes, I'm scared.

Please stop, Please!

Rick: Okay.

Logan: Okay?

Rick: I said, "Okay," didn't I?

Pull up your clothes.

You're a mess.

(loud buzzer)

Rick: You need to
get cleaned up.

You're going to have
a visitor in an hour.

Salesman: Good afternoon,
how might we help you?

Reverend: Good afternoon.

I'm looking to buy a gun.

I've never bought one before.

Salesman: No problem.

You've come to the right place.

Now, what type of gun
are you looking for?

Reverend: A pistol.

I was robbed recently.

Salesman: Real
sorry to hear that.

Protection is real important.

You know, your life
could be at stake

or that of your family.

Here, hold this.

Reverend: Is this loaded?

Salesman: No, none of these are.

What do you think?

Reverend: What?

Salesman: How does it feel?

This is a Glock 17,

9-millimeter, probably the
first choice of policemen

all over the world.

(gunshot)

This is a really
dependable weapon.

We sell lots of them.

Reverend: I'll take it.

Salesman: You're fast, and
you've made the right choice.

Give the bad guys
what they deserve.

(chuckles)

We need to do some paperwork,
and if you're clean,

you can take it
right away with you.

Can I see your driver's license

and some other form
of identification ...

(organ music)

Reverend: God, I know
you are leading me

in the right direction.

Please have mercy on me.

Amen.

(cocks gun)

Brandon.
(music stops)

Brandon: Oh, God. You scared me.

Reverend: I'm sorry.

Do you want to go
get some pizza?

Brandon: Pizza? Sure.

Reverend: I know we don't
spend enough time together,

and I regret that.

Brandon: It's okay.

I wish we got to spend
more time together,

but you're busy with the church,

and I'm busy with
college and the band.

Reverend: Excuses
don't make a family.

So, is everything
okay at school?

Brandon: The teachers are great,

and I should be on the
Dean's list this semester.

Reverend: I'm proud of you.

Mom would be proud of you.

So many young people around
your age get into trouble.

Drugs, sex.

Brandon: Drugs are bad.

Reverend: Sometimes, young
people experiment with ...

Well, with things
that are dangerous.

Brandon: Like guns?

(laughs)

Reverend: You know
that's not what I mean.

I have to ask you a question,
and it's difficult for me.

Brandon: Are you
worried that I'm gay?

Reverend: Yes, I am.

Brandon: Where does
this come from?

Reverend: That's not
important, but I need to know.

Brandon: Yes, I'm gay.

Reverend: Don't worry.
I'm going to get you help.

Brandon: I don't need help.

I don't want help.

Reverend: Son, this violates
the teaching of the Holy Bible.

It's very specific here.

Men do not lie down with men.

Brandon: But they do,
and it's wonderful.

Reverend: It's not wonderful.

It's perverted.

Brandon: Love is love.

Reverend: With your band friend?

Brandon: Yes, with
my band friend.

Reverend: You're not
one of those people.

We're going to get help.

Jesus loves you.

Brandon: That's rad.

Reverend: Don't be sarcastic.

Brandon: Can you
accept a gay son?

Reverend: You're confused.

You're not gay.

Brandon: Some men
and some women are.

I am one of them.
It's that simple.

Reverend: I don't want to argue,

but I need you to
do one thing for me.

Brandon: What?

Officer Burkett:
Come on in, Reverend.

Sit down.

This may be more
serious than we thought.

All depends on this.

Theft and drugs
often go together.

Reverend: How do young
people get started

down the wrong road?

It's heartbreaking.

Officer Burkett: They make
some bad choices, I guess.

Now, is this church property?

Oh, don't touch.

Reverend: Indeed, and
they're really priceless.

Purchased over 100 years ago

with a collection from
the first congregation.

Officer Burkett: Well, it
looks like we found our man.

Maybe you should have
been a detective.

(clock ticking)

Joyce: Brandon, I presume?

Brandon: Right.

Joyce: Come on in.

(door opens)

Have a seat wherever you wish.

Brandon: Does my choice
tell you something about me?

Joyce: I don't think so, or I
missed that class in med school.

So, how are you?

Brandon: I'm okay.

How are you?

Joyce: I'm just fine,

but no more personal
questions, please.

Brandon: Just one.

Joyce: I may have to report you

to the Difficult Patients Unit.

Brandon: Are you gay,
or a lesbian at least?

Joyce: Why do you ask?

Brandon: I want someone
who can understand me.

Joyce: Ahh. If I had to
share my patient's disorders

to help them, I'd
be pretty messed up.

Brandon: Dad made me come here.

Joyce: I know.

Brandon: So, do I get
to quote what you say

in arguments with him?

Joyce: Only if
you're more accurate

than the reporters at Fox.

Brandon: That
shouldn't be difficult.

Joyce: So, for the record,
do you believe you're gay?

Brandon: Yes.

Joyce: Are you okay
with being gay?

Brandon: Pretending hurts.

I mean, am I so bad that I
have to lie about who I am?

Joyce: What do you think will
happen if you're openly gay?

Brandon: After Dad kills me?

I'll lose friends, or
they'll treat me differently,

talk about me, avoid me.

I don't know, but
it won't be good.

Joyce: Do you blame any
one for your being gay?

Brandon: My uncle,
no not really.

Joyce. Brandon, current
research suggests

that homosexuality is
just a normal occurrence
in our species.

Five percent of the
population is gay,

and there's little doubt that
it's to our genetic makeup.

Brandon: Yeah, but Dad's upset.

Joyce: I know, but
his disappointment
is not your problem.

Brandon: So, what are
you going to have me do?

Joyce: Well, nothing.

Oh, learn about safe sex, unless
you already know the ropes.

Brandon: I do.

Joyce: So, here's my card,

if you want to talk
with me further.

Brandon: We're done?

Joyce: Well, you can't fix
something that's not broken.

(knocks)

Officer Burkett: Yup.

Officer: Got last
week's report, sir.

Officer Burkett: Thanks.

Anything interesting?

Officer: Not really.

The Reverend got
a pistol permit.

Officer Burkett:
Reverend Scholder?

Officer: Yes, sir.

I hope he's not
going after people

who haven't attended
his services.

Officer Burkett: Praise
the Lord and pass the ammo.

This may be some
overreaction to the robbery.

Officer: A little over
the top, if you ask me.

Officer Burkett: I just
hope he gets some training

before someone gets hurt.

Anything else?

Officer: Lab reports.

I figured you'd want to
review them yourself.

Officer Burkett: Thanks.

Officer: No problem.

Officer Burkett: Well, I'll be.

Mayor: Dannie, it's your
favorite Mayor calling.

Dan: Well, that depends
on what you have to say.

Mayor: I'm positively hurt.

Dan: You know I'm
just fooling around.

Mayor: Approved is
the word for the day.

Dan: (sighs) Thank god,
and that's with a small g.

Was it close?

Mayor: Not even.

Just because we're a small town

doesn't mean we're stupid,

and we try to
protect the minority

from the tyranny
of the majority.

That grade school
"majority rules" stuff

is as out of style as
last year's iPhone.

Dan: I really appreciate this.

Mayor: And because I'm
your favorite Mayor,

I'll give the other
towns a heads up.

Us big crooks stick
together like the Mafia.

Did I say that?

Dan: I didn't hear a thing.

Mayor: (lauhgs) Later, boy.

Now get our tourism
engines revved up!

Dan: I'll do my best.

Thanks, again.

(music)

Driver: We should be
there in about an hour,

if you trust the GPS.

Passenger: Oh, now
this is interesting.

Palmyra is, quote, "The
Queen of Canal Towns".

Driver: Really?

Passenger: Really, how fitting.

Do you think the Captain can
marry us during the cruise?

Driver: You haven't
even met him,

and besides he'd have to
be a bigamist to marry us.

Passenger: Asshole,
I mean marry us.

You and me to each other.

Driver: Duh.

You know, this is
the place where

the Mormon Church was founded,

so perhaps the Captain
could have 2 spouses.

I'll ask Mitt.

Passenger: Enough.

Do you know what they
call 100 Republicans

at the bottom of the ocean?

Driver: A quorum?

Passenger: A good start.

Passenger: Hey, some of our
best friends are Republicans.

Driver: Your best friends.

Passenger: That's not true.

Politically incorrect and
almost totally baseless.

Passenger: Almost.

I still want to get married.

Driver: It'll happen.

Some day we'll be as smart
as they are in Canada.

Passenger: I hope.

(lively music)

Mark: Our first
big gig, Buddy boy!

Brandon: Not exactly
Madison Square Garden,

but it's money.

Mark: Yeah, gay for pay.

I wonder what kind
of tips we'll get.

Brandon: Don't go there.

Mark: Oh, sure,
protect the homos.

Brandon: Stop.

No, no, no no.

I mean, stop, right there.

Mark: Yeah, boss?

The equipment gonna
set itself up?

Hello?

Brandon: I'm gay.

Mark: Right, and I'm Eminem.

Not the candy, but
the rapper, I mean.

Brandon: I'm serious.

Mark: I guess I'll
have to kill the fag.

Brandon: Is that how you feel?

Mark: Brandon, this isn't news.

I know you're gay.

Half the school
knows you're gay.

The Terracotta Warriors
in China, they know.

Half the universe knows.

Brandon: What? Why
didn't you tell me?

Mark: Well, call me
stupid, but I thought that

you knew you were gay.

Brandon: Not that.

Mark: and you like a guy.

Brandon: Does Ken know?

Mark: Is the Pope Catholic?

Brandon: Fuck!

Mark: If the boat
leaves without us

and we're not set up,
that's fuck, so ...

Brandon: You don't care?

Mark: Of course I care ...

about getting set up on time!

Brandon: Not about ...

Mark: After Lorri,
it's you, sort of..

Come on!

Glenn: I know
we're going to have

a really, really great
time at this concert,

but this is a real small town,

and I'm not sure how the local
folks are going to react to us.

They did buy tickets.

We're sold out tonight!

(cheering)

Okay, now we've only
got 3 hours to load in,

so we'll go right from the bus,

right into the rehearsal room,

directly onto the stage.

We're going to have to make
the best use of the time

that we've got, all right?

Ken: If I post some
of this on You Tube,

it should get us some gigs.

Mark: Or hot dates.

Logan: Or an Emmy, or Oscar,

or whatever TV shows get.

Ken: Emmy it is.

HD from port to port.

So you animals better
behave yourselves.

We're rolling.

(music: We Belong Together)

■ (lyrics) I don't care
what they may say about us

■ Think about us

■ I don't mind if people
say that we won't last
until the day we die

■ I know that I belong to you

■ You belong to me

■ We belong together, no matter
what the world may say or do ...

Barbara: So I made you
something special for dessert.

Burkett: How much do you need?

Barbara: I'm hurt!

Burkett: Not likely. What is it?

Banana: Creamy, very
creamy rice pudding

with cinnamon and
rum-soaked raisins.

Officer Burkett: Let's
skip the rest of dinner.

So, did you get your
lab work finished?

"No, I don't want to work
for you," daughter of mine?

Barbara: Yes. Brandon
and I triumphed as usual.

The final sample,
stand-by applause,

the lost but found
E, more applause,

was diatomaceous earth!

Yes!

Officer Burkett: Are you sure?

Barbara: Did Madame Curie know

when she discovered radium?

Officer Burkett:
Damned if I know.

Do you know anything
about Brandon's father?

Barbara: He's a minister,
but you know that.

I think he and his dad aren't
getting along right now,

but I don't know why,

and he's playing with a band

that's playing on a gay cruise.

Daddy, don't we need a cruise?

Officer Burkett: When
the money train pulls in.

Barbara: In fact, I
think they're supposed to

be on the boat
tonight for practice

as it heads to Palmyra.

Officer Burkett: I
heard about this.

Honey, will you excuse me?

I need to go to the office.

Barbara: But what
about the pudding?

Officer Burkett: It'll
be my bedtime treat.

Barbara: Love you!

Officer Burkett: Love you more!

Barbara: Love you to
infinity and beyond.

(lively music)

Officer Burkett: Betty, did
he say where he was going?

Betty: No.

He was looking for that
cruise boat with Brandon,

but he didn't say where.

Is something wrong?

Officer Burkett: I don't know.

Did he seem upset or anything?

Betty: Like what?

Officer Burkett: Anything!

Betty: Well, he and
Brandon haven't been
getting along lately.

Officer Burkett:
Do you know why?

Betty: I do, but I can't say.

Officer Burkett: Betty,
this is very important.

Did you know that the
Reverend bought a gun?

Betty: Oh my, no.

Why would he do
something like that?

Officer Burkett: I wish I knew.

Now, once again, what's
the issue with Brandon?

I need to know right now.

i'm a police
officer, understand?

Betty: Well, you
mustn't tell anyone.

The Reverend found out recently

that Brandon is
gay, might be gay,

and he has a boyfriend,
if you know what I mean,

and he hasn't been
the same since.

The Reverend, that is.

Officer Burkett:
Who's the boyfriend?

Betty: Logan Betting,

one of the boys from the band.

I really shouldn't be
telling you any of this.

Officer Burkett: Look, if
you talk to the Reverend,

have him give me a call.

Tell him it's important, got it?

Reverend: Our Father
who art in Heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done

on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day
our daily bread.

(phone rings)

Dan: Captain Dan Wiles
here, may I help you?

Officer Burkett: Dan,
this is Officer Burkett.

Dan: Oh, hi. How's it going?

Officer Burkett: You tell me.

Anything unusual?

Dan: No, not really.

We have a band on board.

We're just relocating over to
Palmyra for tomorrow's cruise.

Officer Burkett: Right.
Where are you now?

Dan: Leaving lock 30.

Officer Burkett:
Where's the next bridge?

Dan: Towpath Road.

Why all the questions?

Is there a problem?

Officer Burkett: I hope not.

Give me a call if you
see anything unusual.

Have a safe trip.

Dan: Okay, thanks Tim.

Glenn: Wow, that
theater is amazing.

It's going to sound incredible.

It's going to be a
great, great concert.

Tell you what, let's warm up
with "Amazing Grace", all right?

■ (lyrics) Amazing grace,
how sweet the sound

■ That saved a wretch like me

■ I once was lost,
but now am found

■ Was blind, but now I see

■ 'Twas grace that
taught my heart to fear

■ And grace my fears relieved

■ How precious did
that grace appear

■ The hour I first believed

■ Through many dangers,
toils, and snares

■ I have already known

■ 'Tis grace that
brought me safe thus far

■ And grace will lead me home ■

(gunshot)

Dan: Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Go check on the band.

Jimmy: All right.

Logan: What was that?

Mark: Loud, man.

Jimmy: Are you guys all right?

Jimmy: Captain,
everything seems Okay.

No one knows what happened.

Dan: Just keep looking around.

Jimmy: Roger.

Dan: Tim, you asked me to call

if anything strange happened.

(upbeat music)

(phone rings)

Officer Burkett: Come
on, Reverend, pick up!

(phone rings)

Damn!

Officer Burkett: Evan,
this is going to be fast.

Dispatch backup to the
Church Street Bridge

over the Canal.

If they get there before I do,

tell them to approach
with caution.

Suspect may be armed.

Jerry, it's me.

Tim Burkett.

Reverend: Go away.

Officer Burkett: I'm unarmed.

What are you doing here?

Reverend: I'm doing
what God wants me to do.

Don't come any closer.

Officer Burkett: Look,
no one's been hurt.

Put the gun down, and
everything will be okay.

Reverend: I can't do that.

Officer Burkett: Yes, you can.

Reverend: I know
what Betty told you.

What if your daughter was
in love with another woman?

What would you do?

Officer Burkett: She is,
and I'm happy for her.

Love is a gift, a gift from God.

Reverend: You're lying to me.

Officer Burkett: No, I'm not.

Reverend: And you're
okay with this,

this perversion that
the Lord condemns?

Officer Burkett:
She is who she is.

He made her as he wanted.

He gave her the love
of another person.

It's a blessing.

Reverend: Stop moving!

She's a sinner, and
she'll be punished!

Officer Burkett: Not by my God.

My God is about love and
acceptance and forgiving.

Reverend: You need to
read the Holy Bible.

Officer Burkett: So
what's your plan?

To kill your son, to kill Logan?

Reverend: My son will be
okay if Logan is cast out!

My life is expendable.

I've been called to do this.

Officer Burkett:
Your son is okay.

Logan is okay.

Just put the gun down.

You know we're friends.

Reverend: We've
talked long enough.

Go home.

Officer Burkett: Reverend,
accept your son as he is.

You and Claire
raised a fine boy.

He'll be okay.

Let him be.

Reverend: Be what?

Officer Burkett: Be what
God intended him to be!

We don't know why
things are as they are.

Accept God's plan.

Reverend: Too bad you
don't have your gun.

(gunshot)

(suspenseful music)

(heart beating)

(machines beeping)

Mark: We're getting
ready to do our play

for a high school group.

the principal wanted
some language changes,

but Professor Mahler
said, "No way,"

and no way it is.

Wish I had that kind of power.

Afterwards, we'll get a
chance to talk to the kids.

Over here.

(music: Two Hearts)

■ (lyrics) Two hearts
are better than one

■ Make a difference and be
the one to reach out give

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ When two hearts come alive

■ It'll be a better day

■ Pawn your heart
for riches lost

■ Inside yourself,
you'd pay the cost

■ A lonely one needs a companion

■ To be the one,
one in a million

■ Helping others realize

■ Live your best lives,
keep your dreams alive

■ Pay your dues
because you have to

■ For happiness to ever find you

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ Make a difference

■ And be the one who
shows the world you love

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ Make a difference and be
the one to reach out and give

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ When two hearts come alive

■ It'll be a better day

■ Pawn your heart
for riches lost

■ Inside yourself,
you pay the cost

■ A lonely one needs a companion

■ To be the one,
one in a million

■ Helping others realize

■ Live your best life,
keep your dreams alive

■ Pay your dues
because you have to

■ For happiness to ever find you

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ Make a difference

■ Be the one who shows
the world you love

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ When two hearts intertwine

■ It'll be a better day

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ Make a difference

■ And be the one to
reach out and give

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ Caring hearts sing a melody

■ Our hearts as one
and keep the peace

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ Make a difference

■ Be the one to
reach out and give

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ Make a difference

■ And be the one to
show the world you love

■ Two hearts are better than one

■ When two hearts come alive

■ It'll be a better day

■ When two hearts come alive

■ It'll be a better day

■ It'll be a better day

■ It'll be a better day

■ It'll be a better day ■