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1
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A Life in Vain
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Why do you now have the courage to tell
your story? ls it a sign of development?
3
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Probably. I always hid myself.
4
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L'm afraid because of what happened to me,
despite my harmlessness.
5
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It happened because I was stupid
and admitted having such tendencies.
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I first noticed it...
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I had a school friend, Helmut.
He sat next to us on the bench in class.
8
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They called him “Coffee Table” because he
always had chocolate, oranges, cake, etc.
9
00:00:55,701 --> 00:00:59,672
One day he said, “Walter, I have to tell you.
I think I love men.”
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I said, “That's great! I think I do, too.”
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I was just as young as he was.
I had a right to live my life.
12
00:01:08,901 --> 00:01:13,065
But I had to pay
such a monstrous price. For nothing!
13
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Just because I admitted it.
When the Gestapo arrested me,
14
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the SS man asked,
“Do you have such tendencies?”
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I could have avoided the whole thing
by saying, “No!”
16
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I said, “Yes, I am [homosexual].”
17
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They locked me up
at a police station in Leipzig.
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Above me were the death cells.
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At night I heard the screams
when they were taken off to the scaffold.
20
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A Gestapo officer came to my cell
with a document: “Sign this!”
21
00:01:57,781 --> 00:02:00,546
What do I do in my foolishness and fear'?
22
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I signed it: “Return to society undesirable.”
23
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My fate was sealed.
24
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They brought me down to see my mother.
25
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The officer told me, “You're not going home.
26
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“You're going to the concentration camp
at Sachsenhausen.”
27
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National Memorial Site of
Remembrance Sachsenhausen
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What did I know then
about concentration camps'?
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I thought it was
a political education camp
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where I'd have to work.
Then I read, “Each gets what he deserves.”
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00:02:34,941 --> 00:02:37,911
What year was that?
4940.
32
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I had to Wear the pink triangle
which branded me [as homosexual].
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“Return undesirable.”
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I should understand quickly that we were
“folk pests”. That's what they called us.
35
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When I got to Sachsenhausen, they said
“Here's a rope. Hang yourself.
36
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“Go through the cordon.
You'll disappear within 14 days.
37
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“You won't survive 14 days here.
Not you!”
38
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I was no beauty,
but I was a good-looking boy.
39
00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:19,791
I don't like to mention that,
but somehow...
40
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Personal appearance is crucial
in every situation.
41
00:03:24,101 --> 00:03:29,062
If you saw an inmate
with the pink triangle, and he looked like -
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l'll use the vulgar word - like shit,
then you knew he had nothing to hope for.
43
00:03:36,181 --> 00:03:41,950
The gays had to do the hardest and
worst jobs, like cleaning the shit houses.
44
00:03:42,341 --> 00:03:45,311
At night we weren't allowed
to use the toilet.
45
00:03:45,621 --> 00:03:48,989
There was a vat with disinfectant
in the room.
46
00:03:49,381 --> 00:03:54,342
When we carried it out to empty it,
it slopped over on the person behind
47
00:03:54,621 --> 00:03:58,592
and we slipped and fell.
Enough said. It was horrible.
48
00:03:59,101 --> 00:04:01,672
I had no feelings at all anymore.
49
00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:05,912
Going into the tub
of disinfectant against lice, or...
50
00:04:07,021 --> 00:04:11,982
I was a dead soul,
a person completely without feelings.
51
00:04:12,421 --> 00:04:15,789
Even hunger and cold didn't touch me.
52
00:04:16,221 --> 00:04:20,385
I fought against that,
but I don't know Where I found the strength.
53
00:04:26,501 --> 00:04:30,472
We were isolated with hardened criminals.
54
00:04:31,501 --> 00:04:35,267
The company consisted of homosexuals,
the worst criminals, and so on.
55
00:04:37,381 --> 00:04:40,351
One day I had a terrible toothache.
56
00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:45,743
I couldn't stand up,
and an SS man punched me in the face.
57
00:04:46,061 --> 00:04:51,431
He did me such a favor:
the abscess burst, and the pain was gone.
58
00:04:51,701 --> 00:04:55,672
My diseases saved my life
by getting me deferments.
59
00:04:56,261 --> 00:04:59,822
First typhus, then enteric fever.
That was bad.
60
00:05:00,261 --> 00:05:03,822
One day in quarantine
I woke up in delirium.
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In my fever I managed to wander outside.
I collapsed and lay there until morning.
62
00:05:13,901 --> 00:05:17,462
My fingers were frozen, but I didn't die.
63
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They carried me in, and I recovered.
64
00:05:21,101 --> 00:05:24,662
For the other inmates I was always a wonder.
65
00:05:28,821 --> 00:05:31,791
I was at Sachsenhausen
for 4 or 5 months.
66
00:05:32,101 --> 00:05:35,867
Then I was transferred
to the Gross-Rosen concentration camp.
67
00:05:36,181 --> 00:05:40,743
There was a murderous stone quarry there
Where people died like flies.
68
00:05:41,021 --> 00:05:44,582
Bruno Roes was there,
a restaurant owner from Berlin.
69
00:05:44,941 --> 00:05:48,309
I was at the end of my rope,
and Bruno was so perfect...
70
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He was transferred to the crematorium
to burn corpses.
71
00:05:52,861 --> 00:05:55,831
Once he said to me,
“You take the feet, I'll take the arms.
72
00:05:56,141 --> 00:05:58,906
“We'll toss him onto that pile of bodies.”
73
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1, 2, 3, and it was rne who went flying, and
I landed with my face in a corpse's crotch.
74
00:06:06,541 --> 00:06:12,105
That was the end! Maybe that's the source
of my disgust for certain things.
75
00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:18,147
Then he said, “If you end up here,
I'll burn you alone.
76
00:06:19,541 --> 00:06:21,509
“You're such a good guy.
77
00:06:22,061 --> 00:06:26,623
“L won't stick you in an oven
with others and mix up the ashes.
78
00:06:26,981 --> 00:06:30,144
“L'll bury you nicely in a corner.”
79
00:06:33,741 --> 00:06:35,505
Suddenly there was a bang.
80
00:06:35,741 --> 00:06:39,905
Guard Post 1 had fired a shot.
Another inmate trying to escape.
81
00:06:40,221 --> 00:06:44,783
Post 2 fired. They didn't shoot to kill.
They made a sport of it.
82
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A shot in the leg, one in the arm,
the chest, until he was dead.
83
00:06:50,021 --> 00:06:54,390
Two inmates had to carry him off
on a stretcher. I was one...
84
00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:59,307
When I saw the dead man,
his brain oozing out...
85
00:06:59,661 --> 00:07:02,232
You can never forget that.
86
00:07:02,501 --> 00:07:07,871
When someone says reports of the camps
are exaggerated... It was much, much Worse!
87
00:07:08,101 --> 00:07:11,662
I was there, and we're dying out.
88
00:07:11,901 --> 00:07:15,269
Claims that I'm making things up
won't confuse me.
89
00:07:15,501 --> 00:07:18,471
I saw it, and I lived it!
90
00:07:23,941 --> 00:07:26,911
It was really my mother
who gave me strength.
91
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Mother was God to me. For her I found
strength to go on, to see her again.
92
00:07:33,501 --> 00:07:36,869
And I knew she suffered agony with me.
93
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One day among some new inmates was Sepp,
94
00:07:40,621 --> 00:07:43,784
a picture-perfect Bavarian.
Eyes blue as violets,
95
00:07:44,061 --> 00:07:47,224
hair black as coal, and an athletes figure.
96
00:07:47,461 --> 00:07:49,429
When Sepp saw me...
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He was as straight as can be,
but he brought me wild strawberries
98
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he found growing in the quarry.
99
00:07:56,661 --> 00:08:02,031
Sepp made me a bracelet
with my inmate ID number, 669.
100
00:08:02,861 --> 00:08:06,627
For me, that was having feelings again,
living again.
101
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After four years, to feel...
My God, Sepp was the man.
102
00:08:11,781 --> 00:08:16,947
There was a boxing ring Where the inmates
had to beat each other up. lt amused the SS.
103
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The winner got a piece of bread.
104
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Sepp was the boxer.
Suddenly, affection for him awoke in me.
105
00:08:26,301 --> 00:08:31,262
One day he said, “Walter,
I don't know, but... May I kiss you?”
106
00:08:32,141 --> 00:08:37,102
I thought: Dear God, I've choked all that off!
What does he vvant from me'?
107
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When someone touched me, I always said no.
But of course, Sepp was the man.
108
00:08:42,141 --> 00:08:46,305
He took me by the arm and said,
“You're one of a kind!
109
00:08:46,581 --> 00:08:49,949
“If my wife only knew that I like a man!”
110
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It was a purely platonic friendship,
but the SS noticed our mutual sympathy.
111
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They forbade Sepp to go out and transferred
him to the smithy. I didn't see him again.
112
00:09:05,981 --> 00:09:10,543
For me, the worst punishment came
when they brought the Jews.
113
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To Gross-Rosen'?
-Yes.
114
00:09:13,581 --> 00:09:16,744
They brought a huge number of Jews.
115
00:09:17,101 --> 00:09:21,663
The men had very hairy chests and groins.
116
00:09:22,221 --> 00:09:24,383
I was the block barber.
117
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Every week I had to shave heads
with a razor so dull that the blood spur-ted.
118
00:09:30,141 --> 00:09:33,111
I had to shave the Jews' chests and so on.
119
00:09:34,701 --> 00:09:37,272
And the genital area?
-Yes.
120
00:09:37,581 --> 00:09:42,542
Because of the pink triangle,
they thought that would drive me crazy.
121
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I had to lift the penis and shave everything.
122
00:09:46,741 --> 00:09:52,908
When I wasn't thorough enough,
the SS singed the hair off with a lighter.
123
00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:57,472
Maybe you can understand Why today
a man sometimes disgusts me.
124
00:09:58,021 --> 00:10:02,185
I've seen men who...
They were called “Musselmen”,
125
00:10:02,381 --> 00:10:07,342
Men with the last bit of flesh
on their bodies, just skin and bones.
126
00:10:11,421 --> 00:10:17,383
An Internal Security man, the camp
commandant, and a doctor saw me at HQ.
127
00:10:17,661 --> 00:10:21,029
They asked, “What would you do
if you were released?”
128
00:10:21,301 --> 00:10:25,067
I said, “I have only one desire,
to see my mother again.”
129
00:10:25,341 --> 00:10:31,110
He said, “Take this document. You've been
drafted into an artillery unit at Weimar.
130
00:10:31,541 --> 00:10:35,910
“There you will show the document.
You will be shadowed.
131
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“Don't even think of running away!”
132
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My buddies: “Walter, stay here! They'll shoot
you dead! 'Return to society undesirable!'
133
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“You've survived so far,
but they'll remedy that!”
134
00:10:47,941 --> 00:10:51,912
I went to the guardhouse.
The foreman of the guards was there.
135
00:10:52,141 --> 00:10:56,305
I said, “When I walk through here,
l'll go with new courage.
136
00:10:56,461 --> 00:11:00,625
“But if you shoot, shoot fast. Shoot true.”
137
00:11:06,861 --> 00:11:11,025
As I went through the cordon...
l'll say it again:
138
00:11:11,341 --> 00:11:17,303
I didn't know that a person can freeze
in warm May sunshine, be freezing with fear.
139
00:11:17,581 --> 00:11:20,744
I walked along the free street to the depot.
140
00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:24,428
I went home.
Leipzig was a pile of rubble.
141
00:11:24,941 --> 00:11:28,104
When I rang the bell,
no one could believe it was me.
142
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:32,983
It was midnight. A white-haired head
popped out: my father. My sister...
143
00:11:33,501 --> 00:11:36,072
Gerhard, my brother: “ls it you?”
144
00:11:36,501 --> 00:11:41,063
Suddenly I couldn't speak.
My mother started to scream:
145
00:11:41,341 --> 00:11:45,312
“For heaven's sake,
what are you doing here? Did you escape?”
146
00:11:45,541 --> 00:11:49,512
“No. I have to join
an artillery unit in Weimar.”
147
00:11:55,221 --> 00:11:57,383
So I got to Weimar.
148
00:11:57,661 --> 00:12:02,827
They put me in the communications division.
I learned quickly how to radio.
149
00:12:03,141 --> 00:12:08,511
Dive-bombers came across the Elbe River.
We were shelled from boats.
150
00:12:09,381 --> 00:12:12,942
The last boat made it to the west bank.
151
00:12:13,181 --> 00:12:17,948
A buddy was lying in the water.
I went to pull him out, and that was it for me!
152
00:12:18,301 --> 00:12:21,066
Russians came with pistols.
153
00:12:22,301 --> 00:12:28,263
“Hurry up!” I thought: Here we go again
with the hunger, the bedbugs, the rats.
154
00:12:28,501 --> 00:12:31,664
How long were you a prisoner of war'?
-Four years. -In Russia.
155
00:12:31,901 --> 00:12:35,269
Again! More than four years.
-When did you get out'?
156
00:12:35,541 --> 00:12:39,307
End of '49.
I was one of the last POWs to come back.
157
00:12:39,581 --> 00:12:44,747
It was my bad luck that every time a camp
was closed, most would be sent home;
158
00:12:45,021 --> 00:12:49,788
but I'd be sent to another camp
despite my physical condition.
159
00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:52,632
I thought: This has to stop some day!
160
00:12:57,341 --> 00:13:01,107
I've always suffered from the Way I am.
161
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:07,150
If I'm born again like this, I hope I drown
in my first bath. I won't live this way again.
162
00:13:07,461 --> 00:13:10,829
I've suffered terribly because I loved.
163
00:13:11,141 --> 00:13:15,305
It wasn't sex that I wanted.
I always loved and longed for the man
164
00:13:15,701 --> 00:13:18,466
as my ideal. His body...
165
00:13:18,901 --> 00:13:23,668
I was married twice and experienced
vulgarities in the marriage bed
166
00:13:24,021 --> 00:13:26,592
beyond anything I experienced with a man.
167
00:13:26,941 --> 00:13:32,505
I experienced the nastiest things in bed
with my first wife, and with my second.
168
00:13:32,981 --> 00:13:36,144
She had her period, but I had to go to her.
169
00:13:36,381 --> 00:13:40,147
It was fouled with blood,
but she made me mount her anyway.
170
00:13:40,461 --> 00:13:44,625
I told myself, “This can't go on.”
Disgust overwhelmed me.
171
00:13:45,381 --> 00:13:50,342
I knew that no matter
how hard you try to repress yourself,
172
00:13:50,781 --> 00:13:54,149
your nature is still there.
Just behave decently;
173
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:59,662
stay away from places where danger
lurks for you. I always accepted that
174
00:13:59,901 --> 00:14:02,871
until the day that Ali appeared.
175
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:08,232
How old were you when Ali came'?
-Well over fifty.
176
00:14:08,501 --> 00:14:10,663
But I looked like 35.
177
00:14:10,981 --> 00:14:13,348
You've been together for 17 years?
178
00:14:13,741 --> 00:14:18,303
'17, and for 'l0 of them... I have to say
that for the last 7, nothing's happened.
179
00:14:18,661 --> 00:14:22,427
I didn't find fulfillment with Ali.
He's bisexual.
180
00:14:22,981 --> 00:14:27,543
But he enjoyed it
when I massaged him and satisfied him.
181
00:14:28,021 --> 00:14:32,982
I feel that I've been left alone,
but I live from and for Ali.
182
00:14:33,261 --> 00:14:36,424
His telephone calls are enough for me.
183
00:14:39,261 --> 00:14:45,826
Even so, life has so much to offer. Music
is more than all wisdom and philosophy.
184
00:14:46,181 --> 00:14:52,143
Beethoven said, “Whoever understands
my music can also live.” And Goethe Wrote...
185
00:14:58,101 --> 00:15:01,071
“Then, when I saw you for the first time,
186
00:15:01,381 --> 00:15:05,943
“joy coursed through my blood.
Every breath whispered: He is the one.
187
00:15:06,261 --> 00:15:09,822
“And it resounded
through the beautiful rejoicing world.
188
00:15:10,141 --> 00:15:15,102
“And that is when the first morning dawned
in my soul, and a thousand young flowers
189
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:19,352
“bloomed in my heart
like flowers of the earth in spring.”
190
00:15:19,621 --> 00:15:22,192
Nature has always given me strength.
191
00:15:22,501 --> 00:15:25,471
A daisy makes me glad, or a violet.
192
00:15:25,781 --> 00:15:31,151
Greenhouse flowers annoy me because
they're artificial, as changeable as people.
193
00:15:31,621 --> 00:15:36,787
A simple buttercup in a meadow;
the beautiful green grass, or the sky...
194
00:15:37,101 --> 00:15:41,265
Over and over, what I've experienced
lives within me.
195
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:44,112
The fact that I survived.
196
00:15:44,461 --> 00:15:48,830
L'm more free. inwardly freer.
-So you're not afraid of going public?
197
00:15:49,101 --> 00:15:52,071
Not at all!
The story should be told for posterity.
198
00:15:52,421 --> 00:15:55,982
Somebody told me, “When you're dead,
that could be a lovely thing.”
199
00:15:56,461 --> 00:15:59,032
But when I reflect clearly,
200
00:15:59,261 --> 00:16:02,026
I tell myself:
“You've lived in vain.”
201
00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:06,232
I have lived in vain.
I wasn't as lucky as you or you
202
00:16:06,501 --> 00:16:10,870
so I can be tolerant enough
to shrug everything off. Not yet!
203
00:16:28,941 --> 00:16:33,344
Subtitles: Mike Shephard
19169
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