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1
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,072
(Knock at the door)
2
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,111
Come.
3
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,390
Tom, what book did you want me to get you?
4
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,795
Just a tick, Jerry. I'm doing my income tax
return.
5
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,155
- You haven't got any income.
- Exactly.
6
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:51,713
No. No.
7
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,594
No. No. Mind your own business.
8
00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:00,672
No. No. Not applicable.
9
00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:03,878
Nil.
10
00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,711
Signed, Tom Good.
11
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,036
- Right.
- It takes me a whole week to do mine.
12
00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,071
That's because you're illiterate.
13
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:16,589
- Right, now, what can I do for you?
- I'm doing something for you.
14
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,995
What library book did you want me to pick up?
15
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:23,079
Ah, yes, The Morphology, Pathology
And Gynaecology Of The Domesticated Pig.
16
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,997
Sounds like a good read.
17
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,031
I've got a very pregnant pig in that garden,
18
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,469
and when she starts popping,
I want to know what to do.
19
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:33,150
- I thought there were people called vets.
- There are, but they present bills.
20
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,431
- Hello, Jerry.
- Morning, Barbara.
21
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,471
We were just discussing the mother to be.
22
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:41,433
I suppose you'll be knitting bootees
for the piglets.
23
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,916
How did you know pigs had to have their feet
kept warm in the first few days?
24
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,314
What?
25
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:50,877
Yes. Many a true word spoken in jest.
It is a fact, actually.
26
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,911
- You're kidding.
- No, no.
27
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,031
Of course, it doesn't always have to be wool.
28
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,152
In the olden days,
they wrapped their trotters in rabbit skins.
29
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:02,433
Did they? Really? I'm astonished.
30
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,198
You're gullible as well.
31
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:05,753
(Both laugh)
32
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:08,871
That's a cheap victory.
33
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,480
Anything's a cheap victory
before nine in my book.
34
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,830
- You'll still get the book, won't you?
- I might.
35
00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,837
Now, push off.
We've got seeds to get in.
36
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,871
- Radishes, please.
- Radishes.
37
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,558
And wallpaper paste.
38
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,600
- What on earth are you doing?
- Mixing germinated seeds with wallpaper paste.
39
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,631
(Sniggers)
40
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,069
Oh, no, no. They separate out quite naturally.
41
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,236
You squeeze the mixture into the drills.
42
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:34,840
- With this.
- Yeah.
43
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,440
You miss out a process
because no thinning out is needed.
44
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,757
- Efficiency is the name of the game.
- Watch us plant them if you like.
45
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:44,395
London Bridge in the morning rush hour
suddenly seems terribly attractive.
46
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:48,752
- Happy carbon monoxide poisoning.
- Thanks. Happy swine fever.
47
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,553
Yeuch!
48
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:21,198
- Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!
- What?
49
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:26,633
- Which way is Mecca, then?
- Easterly, I suppose. Why?
50
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,638
Well, you and your prayer mat, you know...
51
00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,073
(Tom chuckles)
52
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,991
Oh, I see. One of your jokes.
53
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,031
Very good. Ha ha ha.
54
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,716
- Come along, Tom. Stop annoying Margo.
- Thank you, Barbara.
55
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:48,393
- Right, two rows of radishes.
- Yes, two rows of radishes.
56
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,909
- Can I have first squirt?
- No.
57
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,270
- Why not?
- Because you are useless at it.
58
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,631
I remember when you iced my birthday cake,
"Happy birthday".
59
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,671
It came out as "Hoppy bithdog".
60
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,792
- It was good cake, though.
- Yes, I know it was. I made it.
61
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,591
Come along, now.
62
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,519
Yeah, well, I suppose that's reasonably straight.
63
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:11,910
Jealous.
64
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,234
(Coughs)
65
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,431
- Did you cough, Margo?
- Yes.
66
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:33,678
I know I'm going to regret asking this,
but what are you doing?
67
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,791
Icing the garden.
68
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:39,834
I'll ask Barbara.
What are you doing, Barbara?
69
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,871
Planting radishes.
70
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,637
Thank you very much.
71
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,354
- I'll go back to my marigolds.
- No, no, Margo!
72
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:53,316
Seriously, Margo, we've worked out this
wonderfully efficient way of planting seeds.
73
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,431
Are you sure you've got the right word?
74
00:04:55,480 --> 00:05:00,190
Look, Margo, you may not have noticed it,
but our whole lifestyle is geared to efficiency.
75
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,551
Nonsense! You don't even have a television set.
76
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,511
What's that got to do with efficiency?
77
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:11,351
Very well, transport.
You haven't got any transport.
78
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,630
Don't have any... What do you call that?
79
00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,676
- Junk.
- Junk?
80
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:22,509
Let me tell you, Margo, that trolley
will still be going when your car is up for scrap.
81
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,154
Yes. Right, look at this. Look at this.
82
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,953
Wonderful. Built to last, that is.
83
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,239
Oh.
84
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:34,910
Oh.
85
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,396
I won't crow, because it's not in my nature.
86
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,551
Uh-huh... Not long now.
87
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,479
- What?
- Pinky. I think she'll go into labour soon.
88
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:02,229
- Really? Are you sure?
- All the signs are right according to this.
89
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,430
She keeps rolling her eyes and going, "Blimey!"
90
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:08,360
I'd roll my eyes and go, "Blimey!"
if I was going to have seven or eight kids.
91
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,119
- Hope there aren't any complications.
- So do I.
92
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,039
I've never been a midwife before.
Where have you been?
93
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:18,039
Oh, nowhere in particular.
I've just solved our transport problem.
94
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,878
Oh, have you?
95
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:21,471
How?
96
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,591
Come and see.
97
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,276
Tan-ta-da!
98
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,790
Oh, my God!
99
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:42,117
What do you think, Tom? Eh, Tom?
Eh, Tom? What do you think?
100
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,511
It's a horse.
101
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,551
It's like quicksilver, your mind.
102
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,591
Yes, of course. It's a horse.
103
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,511
- We can't afford a horse.
- It's a gift.
104
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,120
It's the gift horse
that you don't look in the mouth.
105
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,278
- People do not go around giving away horses.
- Oh, they do, they do!
106
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,312
Mr Betts the coalman offered him to me free.
107
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,831
- Why?
- Why?
108
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,871
Why?
109
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,636
Why? Well, because we just got talking.
110
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,671
You know, the way you do,
111
00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,429
and Mr Betts has always been interested
in what we're trying to do
112
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,120
and Mr Betts has always been rather interested
in my hips
113
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:24,998
sol did a bit of um... leaning and things,
and er... he said I could have the horse.
114
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,476
And when do you spend the weekend with him
at his chateau in Littlehampton?
115
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,672
It's a bungalow, and we haven't fixed a date yet.
116
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:36,832
The thing is, Tom, you see, the horse
is getting a bit long in the tooth anyway,
117
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,349
and Mr Betts is going to get a lorry
for his coal run.
118
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:43,553
Now, until I came along, with my hips, of course,
he was going to retire the horse,
119
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,194
but the thing is he says it would be ideal for us.
120
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,949
It would be light work and he knows
we'd look after him properly, so there you are.
121
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,551
Transport problem solved.
122
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,191
- What about fuel?
- Horses don't drink petrol.
123
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,716
I know that, but they eat hay, lots of it.
124
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,751
Well, that's easy. Hay's common.
125
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,395
I mean, it isn't as if you have to import
bamboo shoots to keep a panda going.
126
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,558
- I've seen hay in pet shops.
- So have I, at 30p a handful.
127
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:14,389
We're talking about half a tonne of horse.
And what about stabling?
128
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,000
That's no problem.
He can have his own room in the garage.
129
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:21,113
- Yeah, with his own bed and dressing table.
- Now, there's no need to be silly.
130
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,312
I'm sorry, love, you're the one that's being silly.
131
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,351
It's just not practical, is it?
132
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,000
Mr Betts says Brian's got a lovely nature.
133
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:33,829
Oh, God, Brian! The horse's name is Brian.
134
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:37,157
Yes. Oh, come
and have another look at him, Tom. He's lovely.
135
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:41,990
He might be able to knit and do conjuring tricks,
but he's not a practical proposition.
136
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,714
I don't want him as a pet. I'm not an idiot!
137
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:48,433
He'dbe a... He'd be a working horse!
138
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,871
That is the point. There's not enough work
for him to do to warrant his keep.
139
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,799
It's a nice idea, but it's just not efficient, is it?
140
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,951
Is it?
141
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,751
Don't know.
142
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,791
Is it?
143
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,631
- Sit?
- No!
144
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,593
- Now, you know I'm right, don't you, love?
- Yes, I do, so shut up.
145
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,119
(Doorbell rings)
146
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:14,073
- Doorbell.
- It must be if you say it is.
147
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,111
You're the one that's always right.
148
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,154
- Hello, Tom. Is Barbara in here?
- Hello, Margo.
149
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,589
I see you brought the horse home, Barbara.
150
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:31,832
- Yes.
- In that case, surprise!
151
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,071
Oh. It's too large.
152
00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:45,637
Never mind. We can always pad the rim
with the Telegraph colour supplement.
153
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:49,594
- What is it, a miner's helmet?
- You know perfectly well what it is, Tom.
154
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,916
It is my second-best riding hat.
155
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:56,796
Now, Barbara, I shall be proposing you
and Mrs Dooms-Paterson will be seconding you.
156
00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,759
- What for?
- The pony club.
157
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,430
Margo, I've already told you, it's a working
horse!
158
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:08,997
I know, but after it's done all the silly things
you want it for during the day,
159
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:14,035
what could be nicer than an evening hack along
the banks of the Thames with the pony club?
160
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,277
- Almost anything, I should think.
- Implying what, Tom?
161
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,311
Well, what a mob! (Laughs)
162
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:23,240
They look like the French heavy cavalry
at Agincourt. (Laughs)
163
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:27,516
- Thank you very much.
- You'd never stop that lot with bows and arrows.
164
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,790
- Now, look, Tom...
- There's no point in going on.
165
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,751
We aren't keeping the horse anyway.
166
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,110
- Why ever not?
- Because as Tom pointed out...
167
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:38,393
Stop there, Barbara. I see the whole picture.
168
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,796
You wanted the horse, but the man said no,
and that's that.
169
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,514
The head of the house forbade you,
and that's that.
170
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,916
The Victorian patriarch disapproved,
and that's that.
171
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,951
It's all too familiar.
172
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,879
- Who are all these blokes?
- You are.
173
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:58,680
Margo, we've been friends for years,
and sometimes I don't think you know us at all.
174
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,711
Or perhaps I know you too well.
175
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,751
Rubbish.
176
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,836
We all know that Tom's stupid,
but he's not a tyrant.
177
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,871
Right.
178
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,911
Then why is his word always law?
179
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:13,395
It isn't. It's just that he's right
about this horse.
180
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,670
Very well, dear.
181
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:21,636
If that's the illusion you choose to cling on to,
I'll just take my hat and not say another word.
182
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,792
I will say this, Tom.
183
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,832
The day of the woman is coming.
184
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,712
With the pony club cavalry on their side,
they can't lose.
185
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,474
You... You bully!
186
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,840
Charge!
187
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,151
Good old Margo.
188
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,191
She just doesn't understand, does she?
189
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,153
She can't see
that you are capable of being totally unfeminine.
190
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,791
Thanks.
191
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,876
Ah... No, no. I didn't mean unfeminine.
192
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,833
I mean you're very feminine, Barbara.
You're ever so sexy.
193
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,269
There you are. You see, you can do it! Phvvor!
194
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,271
(Doorbell rings constantly)
195
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,834
MARGO: Who is it, Jerry? Who is it?
196
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,551
How the hell should I know?
197
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:20,876
Put the chain on before you open the door.
198
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,911
Shut up.
199
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,759
Sorry, Jerry, but the pig's in labour.
200
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,553
Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Hand out cigars?
201
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,031
We can't get a light up to the sty
202
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:44,391
and we wondered if we could borrow your light,
the one with the long lead.
203
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,114
Yeah, all right. Go on.
Ever thought of moving?
204
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,591
New Zealand's a nice long way away.
205
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,157
(Pinky grunts and squeals)
206
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:58,072
TOM: Go on, girl. Go on. Good girl.
Go on. Go on. Go on. Good girl.
207
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,111
Good girl!
208
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,471
- Five.
- Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it marvellous, Jerry?
209
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,558
I've always wanted to stand in a pigsty
in the middle of the night.
210
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,314
Will you hold that light steady?
211
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,749
I'm just trying to see what I'm standing in.
212
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,636
How can that matter at a time like this?
213
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:21,197
Oh, no. They're just an old pair of
very expensive slippers. That's all.
214
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,914
- Let me see, Tom. Is she all right?
- Yeah, fine. No problem.
215
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,759
Go on, girl. Go on. Good girl.
There's a good girl!
216
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,155
- Six.
- Six!
217
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,513
- Six so far, Margo!
- Congratulations.
218
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,029
Don't you ever tell me to shut up again, Jerry.
219
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,675
Well, I haven't got X-ray eyes, have 1?
I can't see through a door.
220
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,279
Hold the light still.
221
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,359
Don't go out in the night and leave the door
open. Anything could have happened.
222
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,119
- Yes, you could have got up and shut it.
- Oh, yes!
223
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,710
And found myself struggling with some
lecherous minicab driver?
224
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,274
Look, you'll be struggling with me
if you don't shut up.
225
00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,278
- The main event is going on here.
- There's another one on the way.
226
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:01,632
- Come and look, Margo. It's beautiful.
- Certainly not. That sort of thing makes me faint.
227
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,149
Well, don't faint in here for God's sake.
228
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,116
- Good girl! Yes, go on. Go on. Seven.
- Seven!
229
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,197
Look, surely seven is enough.
230
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,835
Yes, you're quite right, Margo.
231
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,440
Pinky, Margo says seven's enough.
232
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,231
Let me see, Tom. Let me see.
233
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:28,159
- Oh, look. They're feeding.
- Yeah. Yeah.
234
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,191
Hold on. One's come unplugged.
235
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,359
(Piglet squeals)
236
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:36,758
It's marvellous, isn't it?
I read 250 pages on piggery midwifery.
237
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,314
Old Pinky can't read a word.
She just gets on with it.
238
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,920
I could never have imagined this a year ago.
239
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,793
No. Last year,
all we were breeding was discontent.
240
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,229
If you've stopped eulogising,
I'd like to go to bed.
241
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,749
Oh, yeah. Right, Jerry. Thanks a lot.
Hold on! Hold on!
242
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,792
Sorry, Margo, Pinky's disobeying you.
She's having another one.
243
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,831
This is rapidly becoming disgusting.
244
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,871
Goon! Goon! That's it.
245
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,389
Yes, goon. That's it. That's right. Good...
246
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,271
Oh, dear.
247
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,311
What? What? Let me see? What?
248
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:11,714
- Oh, no... Oh, that's not right.
- What isn't?
249
00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,070
That little one, that last one. It's hardly moving.
250
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,634
- It's just lying there.
- I'm afraid it's a runt.
251
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,911
How very Anglo-Saxon.
252
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,797
Quiet, Jerry. Well, do something.
253
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,354
- Tom...
- Well, what do you want me to do?
254
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,391
Inflate it with a bicycle pump?
255
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:31,717
I know it's rotten, but this sort of thing happens.
It says so in the book.
256
00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:35,719
You sometimes get a runt in the litter.
It's weak and excess, I'm afraid.
257
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,878
- What are you going to do about it?
- Nothing. You just let them die.
258
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,275
- You just let them die?!
- You can't do that!
259
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,880
- That's a bit clinical, isn't it?
- It's common sense.
260
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,551
- Tom!
- Now, Barbara, listen...
261
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,513
Barbara, it is common sense.
This is our livelihood.
262
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:53,554
It may not be a palatable fact,
but it's not worth fighting to keep it alive.
263
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,433
- It's not efficient.
- Damn your efficiency!
264
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,596
- It's not my efficiency.
- Yes, it is!
265
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,631
If you're turning into the kind of person
266
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:05,038
who'll let a little creature like that die just
because it's efficient, then you can stuff it!
267
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:09,119
- At last. The worm turns.
- Be quiet, Margo!
268
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,878
Yes.
269
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,753
- Can I use your phone?
- Certainly, Barbara. Yes.
270
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,439
Well, I... You can see I'm right, surely?
271
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:21,590
I am right!
272
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,631
(Pinky squeals)
273
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,517
- Who were you phoning?
- The vet.
274
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:33,235
He's on a call. Won't get here for two hours.
That's going to be too late, isn't it?
275
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,398
- What about the RSPCA or the Blue Cross?
- Same problem.
276
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:40,354
Right, we're going to need milk, brandy,
something warm to wrap him in.
277
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,710
- Oh, Tom!
- And something to help its breathing.
278
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:46,469
Oxygen. Where do you get oxygen?
The hospital. It's worth a go. Try the hospital.
279
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:49,160
Right. Right. Jerry, come along.
- Why me?
280
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,191
- You've got the car.
- So I have.
281
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,351
Margo, don't just stand there!
282
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,677
- Something warm, milk and brandy!
- Yes.
283
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,711
Oil
284
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:15,715
- Tom...
- What?
285
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,354
Remy Martin or Hine VSOP?
286
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,071
Sorry!
287
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:12,595
- Do you know what speed you were doing, sir?
- Yes, 60mph.
288
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,632
- And what is the speed limit in this area, sir?
- 30.
289
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:20,038
- So, you admit you were speeding?
- What a brilliant deduction.
290
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,199
- Can I see your driving licence please, sir?
- Look, please...
291
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,550
- Just one moment, miss.
- Mrs, actually.
292
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:30,195
- Your wife, sir?
- No, somebody else's.
293
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,951
Oh.
294
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,914
60mph with somebody else's wife at 3am
and in your pyjamas.
295
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,951
Doesn't look too rosy, does it, sir?
296
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,072
- Oh, please, we're in ever such a hurry.
- I dare say you are, miss.
297
00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:45,839
Get on with it, will you?
If you're going to book me, book me.
298
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,440
- If not, get out of my way.
- Right.
299
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,756
This goes down in the big book, this does.
300
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,794
Oh, look, Constable, we're in ever such a hurry.
We've got to get to the hospital.
301
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,831
- Hospital?
- Yes.
302
00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:00,077
I know it sounds unlikely,
but our pig's just had a litter
303
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:04,398
and there's this tiny runt, and if we don't get
any oxygen for him, he's going to die.
304
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:08,195
Little piglet, is it?
Why didn't you tell me this before?
305
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:13,155
Well, if I'd started bandying words like pig about
in front of a constable...
306
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,952
I see what you mean. Right, come with me.
307
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,355
- Where to?
- The hospital, of course.
308
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,119
I'll go ahead, clear the way.
You put your foot down.
309
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,834
Always wanted to do a mercy dash.
Never done one before.
310
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,876
- Here we are, Tom.
- You've been long enough.
311
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:56,437
- Well, I had to change.
- This is an emergency, not a social function.
312
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,757
It is also The Avenue, Tom,
and curtains have begun to twitch.
313
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,311
Here you are alone in the house.
314
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,159
If I'd been seen coming in your back door
in my night things...
315
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:10,080
Oh, yes, and Jerry driving off with Barbara
in his pyjamas is wife swapping, isn't it?
316
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:14,478
Exactly. It hasn't reached Surbiton yet,
but it's already got as far as Epsom.
317
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:21,434
- You make it sound like the Black Death.
- You don't condone it, surely?
318
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,074
- Oh, don't be daft! Now, watch the milk.
- Yes.
319
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:28,232
- Oh, you wanted something warm for the pig.
- Oh, ta.
320
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:32,319
- Margo, this is cashmere. It's nearly new.
- It's all right. It's Jerry's.
321
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,311
Yeah, I suppose that would make it all right.
322
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:39,273
- How is it?
- Well, it's still breathing, just about.
323
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,631
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.
Still, press on. Ah, lovely.
324
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,876
That's fine. Now, put some brandy in it.
325
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,350
What proportions?
326
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,199
It's not a cocktail party.
Use your common sense.
327
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:58,196
Here, here, here.
When you mix it up, get it down that pig.
328
00:20:58,240 --> 00:20:59,878
- Me?!
- Yes, you.
329
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:03,754
- Can't you do it?
- No, I can't. I'm making an oxygen tent.
330
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,869
No, I'm sorry, Tom. Sickness makes me feel ill.
331
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:13,629
Now, look, it's not what you feel.
It's what he feels, so get on with it.
332
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:14,829
- But...
- Do it!
333
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,711
Yes, Tom.
334
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,549
- Ah...
- Got it!
335
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,591
Got it? Good girl!
336
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,631
Oh, Margo...
337
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,753
A tip for the future, Barbara, always feed a piglet
from the corner of his mouth.
338
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,791
Thank you, Margo.
339
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,514
- How is the little mite?
- Fighting, fighting.
340
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,111
- Can I er...
- Yes, of course.
341
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,351
Poor little mite...
342
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,591
(Mouths)
343
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,952
Oh! This is Police Constable Hillman.
He's been marvellous.
344
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,753
- We'd never have got the oxygen without him.
- Tick. VG.
345
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,598
- What?
- Thanks.
346
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:09,869
A pleasure to help.
347
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:14,198
It's refreshing to see you do not devote
all your energies to moving people on
348
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,358
when they park outside the public library
for a couple of minutes.
349
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:22,349
You would be this gentleman's wife, would you?
350
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,870
- Yes. How did you know?
- It just fits, that's all.
351
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:30,755
- Look here, Kojak...
- Belt up! Let's get on with it.
352
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,029
- Oxygen tent?
- Yeah. I'll show you. Look.
353
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,071
Now, hold that.
354
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,511
Right, pig goes in here. You feed the oxygen
in through the draining holes.
355
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,076
On with the lid, and then you regulate
the atmosphere like you do with plants.
356
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:49,149
How do you feed the oxygen
into the draining holes?
357
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,191
With a bit of tubing, you see?
358
00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:54,073
Which we haven't got!
Come on, think of something!
359
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:55,997
- Garden hose?
- Too thick. Margo?
360
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,156
- Think of something, Jerry.
- Sleep?
361
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,233
Got it How about an overflow pipe
from a car radiator?
362
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,477
- Perfect!
- Come on, then, sir. Let's get your bonnet up.
363
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,511
Why my car?
364
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,551
Why not yours?
365
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,194
It was 60mph, wasn't it, sir?
366
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,231
Yes. Yes.
367
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,637
I was going to put strychnine in your tea,
but I won't now.
368
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,069
Where did you learn to make an oxygen tent?
369
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:27,637
Oxygen tent classes.
It's all guesswork. I just hope I'm guessing right.
370
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,274
Oh, dear. It's hardly breathing at all.
371
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,311
Give it some more brandy.
372
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,838
Will it live, Tom?
373
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:40,109
Well, if it does,
it's going to be a chronic alcoholic.
374
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,473
Hurry up with that tube!
375
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,791
Barbara, why are you dusting?
376
00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,831
Because I don't smoke.
377
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,036
You did say I could call back. Any news?
378
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,711
The vet's here. He's with him now.
379
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,991
Hello, sarge?
380
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,953
The vet's here. He's with him now. Over.
381
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,551
Yes, I will. Over and out.
382
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,271
My sarge says, "All the best."
383
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:28,473
- Oh, that's nice.
- Thank you.
384
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,436
Jerry...
385
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:39,631
Well?
386
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:43,551
We won.
387
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,119
- Oh, I'm so glad.
- So am I. Can we go back to bed now'?
388
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,231
Heartless!
389
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,271
Hello, sarge?
390
00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,039
Teas all round in the canteen. Over.
391
00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,911
Yes, I will. Over and out.
392
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:04,796
- My sarge says, "All the best."
- Again?
393
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:13,475
For your information, Madam,
my sarge has two spaniels and a hamster.
394
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,114
- Well, I'll be on my way.
- Before you go, thanks very much.
395
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,198
The vet said if you hadn't got that oxygen,
he wouldn't have made it.
396
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:22,277
Thanks, Mr Plod.
397
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:25,517
Corl I've never been kissed by the public before.
398
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,431
Good night, Constable.
399
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:36,237
- What's that supposed to mean, sir?
- Nothing. I was just being civil.
400
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:41,559
Yes, well, just you watch your step in future.
That's all.
401
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:44,633
And you.
402
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:47,631
Well, really!
403
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,398
What a night.
404
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,876
Nothing like animal husbandry
to while away the small hours.
405
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,958
- Can the piggy go back to its mum now, Tom?
- No, not yet.
406
00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:00,597
The vet says we've got to hand-rear it
till it fills out, goes into long trousers.
407
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:04,918
- It's going to take a bit of our time, isn't it?
- Quite a bit.
408
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,839
- We haven't done the practical thing, have we?
- No.
409
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:09,871
Which is what you said when it was born.
410
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,911
- Yes.
- Sorry.
411
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:14,631
I'm not.
412
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,671
That's enough. That does it.
413
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:19,633
I've tolerated being woken up
in the middle of the night,
414
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,354
I've tolerated a running battle
with an idiot policeman.
415
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:26,553
I've even tolerated my car being wrecked
and my best jersey being used as a pig blanket,
416
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:29,672
but when I'm asked to witness you two
wallowing in your own treacle,
417
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,711
I draw the line.
418
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,110
I'm going to bed.
419
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,390
- Thanks, Jerry.
- Jerry, thanks.
420
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:41,149
Yes, well, I must be getting along too.
I'm so glad the pig's all right.
421
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,191
- Thanks to your help.
- Not at all.
422
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:47,398
Oh, I'll pop round
with the riding hat later, Barbara.
423
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,795
Why? I shan't be riding the piglet.
424
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:53,629
No, but you can get the horse now.
425
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,991
You won over the pig,
So now you can make Tom get you the horse.
426
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,190
I shall do no such thing!
427
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:03,837
Very well, Barbara. I suppose I must simply
accept that you are that kind of woman.
428
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:05,598
What kind of woman?
429
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:10,953
A woman who wants to be dominated, who
actually enjoys being ordered about by men.
430
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,991
Very well. I accept it.
431
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:18,636
Margo, I wouldn't say that you were averse
to a bit of male domination.
432
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,593
- I beg your pardon?
- I ordered you about in the kitchen.
433
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,029
- I didn't hear any complaints.
- Don't be absurd.
434
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:28,278
- In fact, your cheeks flushed quite responsively.
- They did not.
435
00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:30,311
- You're doing it now.
- No, I'm not.
436
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,351
- You are.
- No, I'm not. It's the light.
437
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:33,959
Don't be silly. I'm going to bed.
438
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:39,551
(Chuckles)
439
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,591
Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
440
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,631
Women, eh?
441
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,149
(Laughs)
442
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,271
(Chuckles)
443
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,079
Just get out into the kitchen and feed that pig.
444
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,871
- Now!
- Oh, yes, dear!
445
00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:07,036
Of course, dear. I'll do it right away!
36996
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