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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:39,072 (Knock at the door) 2 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,111 Come. 3 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,390 Tom, what book did you want me to get you? 4 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,795 Just a tick, Jerry. I'm doing my income tax return. 5 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,155 - You haven't got any income. - Exactly. 6 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:51,713 No. No. 7 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,594 No. No. Mind your own business. 8 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:00,672 No. No. Not applicable. 9 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:03,878 Nil. 10 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,711 Signed, Tom Good. 11 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,036 - Right. - It takes me a whole week to do mine. 12 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,071 That's because you're illiterate. 13 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:16,589 - Right, now, what can I do for you? - I'm doing something for you. 14 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,995 What library book did you want me to pick up? 15 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:23,079 Ah, yes, The Morphology, Pathology And Gynaecology Of The Domesticated Pig. 16 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,997 Sounds like a good read. 17 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,031 I've got a very pregnant pig in that garden, 18 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,469 and when she starts popping, I want to know what to do. 19 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:33,150 - I thought there were people called vets. - There are, but they present bills. 20 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,431 - Hello, Jerry. - Morning, Barbara. 21 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,471 We were just discussing the mother to be. 22 00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:41,433 I suppose you'll be knitting bootees for the piglets. 23 00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:44,916 How did you know pigs had to have their feet kept warm in the first few days? 24 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,314 What? 25 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:50,877 Yes. Many a true word spoken in jest. It is a fact, actually. 26 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,911 - You're kidding. - No, no. 27 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,031 Of course, it doesn't always have to be wool. 28 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,152 In the olden days, they wrapped their trotters in rabbit skins. 29 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:02,433 Did they? Really? I'm astonished. 30 00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:04,198 You're gullible as well. 31 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:05,753 (Both laugh) 32 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:08,871 That's a cheap victory. 33 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:11,480 Anything's a cheap victory before nine in my book. 34 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,830 - You'll still get the book, won't you? - I might. 35 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,837 Now, push off. We've got seeds to get in. 36 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,871 - Radishes, please. - Radishes. 37 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,558 And wallpaper paste. 38 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,600 - What on earth are you doing? - Mixing germinated seeds with wallpaper paste. 39 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,631 (Sniggers) 40 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,069 Oh, no, no. They separate out quite naturally. 41 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,236 You squeeze the mixture into the drills. 42 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:34,840 - With this. - Yeah. 43 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,440 You miss out a process because no thinning out is needed. 44 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,757 - Efficiency is the name of the game. - Watch us plant them if you like. 45 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:44,395 London Bridge in the morning rush hour suddenly seems terribly attractive. 46 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:48,752 - Happy carbon monoxide poisoning. - Thanks. Happy swine fever. 47 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,553 Yeuch! 48 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:21,198 - Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! - What? 49 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:26,633 - Which way is Mecca, then? - Easterly, I suppose. Why? 50 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,638 Well, you and your prayer mat, you know... 51 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,073 (Tom chuckles) 52 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,991 Oh, I see. One of your jokes. 53 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,031 Very good. Ha ha ha. 54 00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:42,716 - Come along, Tom. Stop annoying Margo. - Thank you, Barbara. 55 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:48,393 - Right, two rows of radishes. - Yes, two rows of radishes. 56 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,909 - Can I have first squirt? - No. 57 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,270 - Why not? - Because you are useless at it. 58 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,631 I remember when you iced my birthday cake, "Happy birthday". 59 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,671 It came out as "Hoppy bithdog". 60 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,792 - It was good cake, though. - Yes, I know it was. I made it. 61 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,591 Come along, now. 62 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,519 Yeah, well, I suppose that's reasonably straight. 63 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:11,910 Jealous. 64 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,234 (Coughs) 65 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,431 - Did you cough, Margo? - Yes. 66 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:33,678 I know I'm going to regret asking this, but what are you doing? 67 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,791 Icing the garden. 68 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:39,834 I'll ask Barbara. What are you doing, Barbara? 69 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,871 Planting radishes. 70 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:44,637 Thank you very much. 71 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,354 - I'll go back to my marigolds. - No, no, Margo! 72 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:53,316 Seriously, Margo, we've worked out this wonderfully efficient way of planting seeds. 73 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,431 Are you sure you've got the right word? 74 00:04:55,480 --> 00:05:00,190 Look, Margo, you may not have noticed it, but our whole lifestyle is geared to efficiency. 75 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,551 Nonsense! You don't even have a television set. 76 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,511 What's that got to do with efficiency? 77 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:11,351 Very well, transport. You haven't got any transport. 78 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,630 Don't have any... What do you call that? 79 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:18,676 - Junk. - Junk? 80 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:22,509 Let me tell you, Margo, that trolley will still be going when your car is up for scrap. 81 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,154 Yes. Right, look at this. Look at this. 82 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,953 Wonderful. Built to last, that is. 83 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,239 Oh. 84 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:34,910 Oh. 85 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,396 I won't crow, because it's not in my nature. 86 00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,551 Uh-huh... Not long now. 87 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,479 - What? - Pinky. I think she'll go into labour soon. 88 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:02,229 - Really? Are you sure? - All the signs are right according to this. 89 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,430 She keeps rolling her eyes and going, "Blimey!" 90 00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:08,360 I'd roll my eyes and go, "Blimey!" if I was going to have seven or eight kids. 91 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,119 - Hope there aren't any complications. - So do I. 92 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,039 I've never been a midwife before. Where have you been? 93 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:18,039 Oh, nowhere in particular. I've just solved our transport problem. 94 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,878 Oh, have you? 95 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:21,471 How? 96 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,591 Come and see. 97 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,276 Tan-ta-da! 98 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,790 Oh, my God! 99 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:42,117 What do you think, Tom? Eh, Tom? Eh, Tom? What do you think? 100 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,511 It's a horse. 101 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,551 It's like quicksilver, your mind. 102 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,591 Yes, of course. It's a horse. 103 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:52,511 - We can't afford a horse. - It's a gift. 104 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:55,120 It's the gift horse that you don't look in the mouth. 105 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,278 - People do not go around giving away horses. - Oh, they do, they do! 106 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,312 Mr Betts the coalman offered him to me free. 107 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,831 - Why? - Why? 108 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,871 Why? 109 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,636 Why? Well, because we just got talking. 110 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:11,671 You know, the way you do, 111 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,429 and Mr Betts has always been interested in what we're trying to do 112 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,120 and Mr Betts has always been rather interested in my hips 113 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:24,998 sol did a bit of um... leaning and things, and er... he said I could have the horse. 114 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,476 And when do you spend the weekend with him at his chateau in Littlehampton? 115 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,672 It's a bungalow, and we haven't fixed a date yet. 116 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:36,832 The thing is, Tom, you see, the horse is getting a bit long in the tooth anyway, 117 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,349 and Mr Betts is going to get a lorry for his coal run. 118 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:43,553 Now, until I came along, with my hips, of course, he was going to retire the horse, 119 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:46,194 but the thing is he says it would be ideal for us. 120 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,949 It would be light work and he knows we'd look after him properly, so there you are. 121 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,551 Transport problem solved. 122 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,191 - What about fuel? - Horses don't drink petrol. 123 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,716 I know that, but they eat hay, lots of it. 124 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,751 Well, that's easy. Hay's common. 125 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,395 I mean, it isn't as if you have to import bamboo shoots to keep a panda going. 126 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,558 - I've seen hay in pet shops. - So have I, at 30p a handful. 127 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:14,389 We're talking about half a tonne of horse. And what about stabling? 128 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:17,000 That's no problem. He can have his own room in the garage. 129 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:21,113 - Yeah, with his own bed and dressing table. - Now, there's no need to be silly. 130 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,312 I'm sorry, love, you're the one that's being silly. 131 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,351 It's just not practical, is it? 132 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,000 Mr Betts says Brian's got a lovely nature. 133 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:33,829 Oh, God, Brian! The horse's name is Brian. 134 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:37,157 Yes. Oh, come and have another look at him, Tom. He's lovely. 135 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:41,990 He might be able to knit and do conjuring tricks, but he's not a practical proposition. 136 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,714 I don't want him as a pet. I'm not an idiot! 137 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:48,433 He'dbe a... He'd be a working horse! 138 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,871 That is the point. There's not enough work for him to do to warrant his keep. 139 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,799 It's a nice idea, but it's just not efficient, is it? 140 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,951 Is it? 141 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,751 Don't know. 142 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,791 Is it? 143 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,631 - Sit? - No! 144 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,593 - Now, you know I'm right, don't you, love? - Yes, I do, so shut up. 145 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,119 (Doorbell rings) 146 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:14,073 - Doorbell. - It must be if you say it is. 147 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,111 You're the one that's always right. 148 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,154 - Hello, Tom. Is Barbara in here? - Hello, Margo. 149 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,589 I see you brought the horse home, Barbara. 150 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:31,832 - Yes. - In that case, surprise! 151 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,071 Oh. It's too large. 152 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:45,637 Never mind. We can always pad the rim with the Telegraph colour supplement. 153 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:49,594 - What is it, a miner's helmet? - You know perfectly well what it is, Tom. 154 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,916 It is my second-best riding hat. 155 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:56,796 Now, Barbara, I shall be proposing you and Mrs Dooms-Paterson will be seconding you. 156 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,759 - What for? - The pony club. 157 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,430 Margo, I've already told you, it's a working horse! 158 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:08,997 I know, but after it's done all the silly things you want it for during the day, 159 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:14,035 what could be nicer than an evening hack along the banks of the Thames with the pony club? 160 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,277 - Almost anything, I should think. - Implying what, Tom? 161 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,311 Well, what a mob! (Laughs) 162 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:23,240 They look like the French heavy cavalry at Agincourt. (Laughs) 163 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:27,516 - Thank you very much. - You'd never stop that lot with bows and arrows. 164 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,790 - Now, look, Tom... - There's no point in going on. 165 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,751 We aren't keeping the horse anyway. 166 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,110 - Why ever not? - Because as Tom pointed out... 167 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:38,393 Stop there, Barbara. I see the whole picture. 168 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,796 You wanted the horse, but the man said no, and that's that. 169 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,514 The head of the house forbade you, and that's that. 170 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:47,916 The Victorian patriarch disapproved, and that's that. 171 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,951 It's all too familiar. 172 00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,879 - Who are all these blokes? - You are. 173 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:58,680 Margo, we've been friends for years, and sometimes I don't think you know us at all. 174 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,711 Or perhaps I know you too well. 175 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,751 Rubbish. 176 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,836 We all know that Tom's stupid, but he's not a tyrant. 177 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,871 Right. 178 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,911 Then why is his word always law? 179 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:13,395 It isn't. It's just that he's right about this horse. 180 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,670 Very well, dear. 181 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:21,636 If that's the illusion you choose to cling on to, I'll just take my hat and not say another word. 182 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,792 I will say this, Tom. 183 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,832 The day of the woman is coming. 184 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,712 With the pony club cavalry on their side, they can't lose. 185 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,474 You... You bully! 186 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,840 Charge! 187 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,151 Good old Margo. 188 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,191 She just doesn't understand, does she? 189 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,153 She can't see that you are capable of being totally unfeminine. 190 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,791 Thanks. 191 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,876 Ah... No, no. I didn't mean unfeminine. 192 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,833 I mean you're very feminine, Barbara. You're ever so sexy. 193 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,269 There you are. You see, you can do it! Phvvor! 194 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,271 (Doorbell rings constantly) 195 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,834 MARGO: Who is it, Jerry? Who is it? 196 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,551 How the hell should I know? 197 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:20,876 Put the chain on before you open the door. 198 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,911 Shut up. 199 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,759 Sorry, Jerry, but the pig's in labour. 200 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:37,553 Well, what do you want me to do about it? Hand out cigars? 201 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,031 We can't get a light up to the sty 202 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:44,391 and we wondered if we could borrow your light, the one with the long lead. 203 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,114 Yeah, all right. Go on. Ever thought of moving? 204 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,591 New Zealand's a nice long way away. 205 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,157 (Pinky grunts and squeals) 206 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:58,072 TOM: Go on, girl. Go on. Good girl. Go on. Go on. Go on. Good girl. 207 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,111 Good girl! 208 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,471 - Five. - Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it marvellous, Jerry? 209 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:06,558 I've always wanted to stand in a pigsty in the middle of the night. 210 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,314 Will you hold that light steady? 211 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,749 I'm just trying to see what I'm standing in. 212 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,636 How can that matter at a time like this? 213 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:21,197 Oh, no. They're just an old pair of very expensive slippers. That's all. 214 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,914 - Let me see, Tom. Is she all right? - Yeah, fine. No problem. 215 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,759 Go on, girl. Go on. Good girl. There's a good girl! 216 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,155 - Six. - Six! 217 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,513 - Six so far, Margo! - Congratulations. 218 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,029 Don't you ever tell me to shut up again, Jerry. 219 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:39,675 Well, I haven't got X-ray eyes, have 1? I can't see through a door. 220 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,279 Hold the light still. 221 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,359 Don't go out in the night and leave the door open. Anything could have happened. 222 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,119 - Yes, you could have got up and shut it. - Oh, yes! 223 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,710 And found myself struggling with some lecherous minicab driver? 224 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:54,274 Look, you'll be struggling with me if you don't shut up. 225 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,278 - The main event is going on here. - There's another one on the way. 226 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:01,632 - Come and look, Margo. It's beautiful. - Certainly not. That sort of thing makes me faint. 227 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,149 Well, don't faint in here for God's sake. 228 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,116 - Good girl! Yes, go on. Go on. Seven. - Seven! 229 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,197 Look, surely seven is enough. 230 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,835 Yes, you're quite right, Margo. 231 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,440 Pinky, Margo says seven's enough. 232 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,231 Let me see, Tom. Let me see. 233 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:28,159 - Oh, look. They're feeding. - Yeah. Yeah. 234 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,191 Hold on. One's come unplugged. 235 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,359 (Piglet squeals) 236 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:36,758 It's marvellous, isn't it? I read 250 pages on piggery midwifery. 237 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:39,314 Old Pinky can't read a word. She just gets on with it. 238 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,920 I could never have imagined this a year ago. 239 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,793 No. Last year, all we were breeding was discontent. 240 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,229 If you've stopped eulogising, I'd like to go to bed. 241 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,749 Oh, yeah. Right, Jerry. Thanks a lot. Hold on! Hold on! 242 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,792 Sorry, Margo, Pinky's disobeying you. She's having another one. 243 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,831 This is rapidly becoming disgusting. 244 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,871 Goon! Goon! That's it. 245 00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,389 Yes, goon. That's it. That's right. Good... 246 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,271 Oh, dear. 247 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,311 What? What? Let me see? What? 248 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:11,714 - Oh, no... Oh, that's not right. - What isn't? 249 00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,070 That little one, that last one. It's hardly moving. 250 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,634 - It's just lying there. - I'm afraid it's a runt. 251 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,911 How very Anglo-Saxon. 252 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,797 Quiet, Jerry. Well, do something. 253 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,354 - Tom... - Well, what do you want me to do? 254 00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,391 Inflate it with a bicycle pump? 255 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:31,717 I know it's rotten, but this sort of thing happens. It says so in the book. 256 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:35,719 You sometimes get a runt in the litter. It's weak and excess, I'm afraid. 257 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,878 - What are you going to do about it? - Nothing. You just let them die. 258 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:41,275 - You just let them die?! - You can't do that! 259 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,880 - That's a bit clinical, isn't it? - It's common sense. 260 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,551 - Tom! - Now, Barbara, listen... 261 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,513 Barbara, it is common sense. This is our livelihood. 262 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:53,554 It may not be a palatable fact, but it's not worth fighting to keep it alive. 263 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,433 - It's not efficient. - Damn your efficiency! 264 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,596 - It's not my efficiency. - Yes, it is! 265 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,631 If you're turning into the kind of person 266 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:05,038 who'll let a little creature like that die just because it's efficient, then you can stuff it! 267 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:09,119 - At last. The worm turns. - Be quiet, Margo! 268 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,878 Yes. 269 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:13,753 - Can I use your phone? - Certainly, Barbara. Yes. 270 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,439 Well, I... You can see I'm right, surely? 271 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:21,590 I am right! 272 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,631 (Pinky squeals) 273 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,517 - Who were you phoning? - The vet. 274 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:33,235 He's on a call. Won't get here for two hours. That's going to be too late, isn't it? 275 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:36,398 - What about the RSPCA or the Blue Cross? - Same problem. 276 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:40,354 Right, we're going to need milk, brandy, something warm to wrap him in. 277 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,710 - Oh, Tom! - And something to help its breathing. 278 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:46,469 Oxygen. Where do you get oxygen? The hospital. It's worth a go. Try the hospital. 279 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:49,160 Right. Right. Jerry, come along. - Why me? 280 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,191 - You've got the car. - So I have. 281 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,351 Margo, don't just stand there! 282 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,677 - Something warm, milk and brandy! - Yes. 283 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,711 Oil 284 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:15,715 - Tom... - What? 285 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,354 Remy Martin or Hine VSOP? 286 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,071 Sorry! 287 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:12,595 - Do you know what speed you were doing, sir? - Yes, 60mph. 288 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,632 - And what is the speed limit in this area, sir? - 30. 289 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:20,038 - So, you admit you were speeding? - What a brilliant deduction. 290 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,199 - Can I see your driving licence please, sir? - Look, please... 291 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,550 - Just one moment, miss. - Mrs, actually. 292 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:30,195 - Your wife, sir? - No, somebody else's. 293 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,951 Oh. 294 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,914 60mph with somebody else's wife at 3am and in your pyjamas. 295 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,951 Doesn't look too rosy, does it, sir? 296 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,072 - Oh, please, we're in ever such a hurry. - I dare say you are, miss. 297 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:45,839 Get on with it, will you? If you're going to book me, book me. 298 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,440 - If not, get out of my way. - Right. 299 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,756 This goes down in the big book, this does. 300 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:54,794 Oh, look, Constable, we're in ever such a hurry. We've got to get to the hospital. 301 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,831 - Hospital? - Yes. 302 00:18:56,880 --> 00:19:00,077 I know it sounds unlikely, but our pig's just had a litter 303 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:04,398 and there's this tiny runt, and if we don't get any oxygen for him, he's going to die. 304 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:08,195 Little piglet, is it? Why didn't you tell me this before? 305 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:13,155 Well, if I'd started bandying words like pig about in front of a constable... 306 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,952 I see what you mean. Right, come with me. 307 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,355 - Where to? - The hospital, of course. 308 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,119 I'll go ahead, clear the way. You put your foot down. 309 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,834 Always wanted to do a mercy dash. Never done one before. 310 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,876 - Here we are, Tom. - You've been long enough. 311 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:56,437 - Well, I had to change. - This is an emergency, not a social function. 312 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,757 It is also The Avenue, Tom, and curtains have begun to twitch. 313 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,311 Here you are alone in the house. 314 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,159 If I'd been seen coming in your back door in my night things... 315 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:10,080 Oh, yes, and Jerry driving off with Barbara in his pyjamas is wife swapping, isn't it? 316 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:14,478 Exactly. It hasn't reached Surbiton yet, but it's already got as far as Epsom. 317 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:21,434 - You make it sound like the Black Death. - You don't condone it, surely? 318 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,074 - Oh, don't be daft! Now, watch the milk. - Yes. 319 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:28,232 - Oh, you wanted something warm for the pig. - Oh, ta. 320 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:32,319 - Margo, this is cashmere. It's nearly new. - It's all right. It's Jerry's. 321 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,311 Yeah, I suppose that would make it all right. 322 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:39,273 - How is it? - Well, it's still breathing, just about. 323 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,631 I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Still, press on. Ah, lovely. 324 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,876 That's fine. Now, put some brandy in it. 325 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,350 What proportions? 326 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,199 It's not a cocktail party. Use your common sense. 327 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:58,196 Here, here, here. When you mix it up, get it down that pig. 328 00:20:58,240 --> 00:20:59,878 - Me?! - Yes, you. 329 00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:03,754 - Can't you do it? - No, I can't. I'm making an oxygen tent. 330 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,869 No, I'm sorry, Tom. Sickness makes me feel ill. 331 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:13,629 Now, look, it's not what you feel. It's what he feels, so get on with it. 332 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:14,829 - But... - Do it! 333 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,711 Yes, Tom. 334 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,549 - Ah... - Got it! 335 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,591 Got it? Good girl! 336 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,631 Oh, Margo... 337 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,753 A tip for the future, Barbara, always feed a piglet from the corner of his mouth. 338 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,791 Thank you, Margo. 339 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,514 - How is the little mite? - Fighting, fighting. 340 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,111 - Can I er... - Yes, of course. 341 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,351 Poor little mite... 342 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,591 (Mouths) 343 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,952 Oh! This is Police Constable Hillman. He's been marvellous. 344 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,753 - We'd never have got the oxygen without him. - Tick. VG. 345 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,598 - What? - Thanks. 346 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:09,869 A pleasure to help. 347 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:14,198 It's refreshing to see you do not devote all your energies to moving people on 348 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,358 when they park outside the public library for a couple of minutes. 349 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:22,349 You would be this gentleman's wife, would you? 350 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,870 - Yes. How did you know? - It just fits, that's all. 351 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:30,755 - Look here, Kojak... - Belt up! Let's get on with it. 352 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,029 - Oxygen tent? - Yeah. I'll show you. Look. 353 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,071 Now, hold that. 354 00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,511 Right, pig goes in here. You feed the oxygen in through the draining holes. 355 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,076 On with the lid, and then you regulate the atmosphere like you do with plants. 356 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:49,149 How do you feed the oxygen into the draining holes? 357 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,191 With a bit of tubing, you see? 358 00:22:51,240 --> 00:22:54,073 Which we haven't got! Come on, think of something! 359 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:55,997 - Garden hose? - Too thick. Margo? 360 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,156 - Think of something, Jerry. - Sleep? 361 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,233 Got it How about an overflow pipe from a car radiator? 362 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,477 - Perfect! - Come on, then, sir. Let's get your bonnet up. 363 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,511 Why my car? 364 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,551 Why not yours? 365 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,194 It was 60mph, wasn't it, sir? 366 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,231 Yes. Yes. 367 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,637 I was going to put strychnine in your tea, but I won't now. 368 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:23,069 Where did you learn to make an oxygen tent? 369 00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:27,637 Oxygen tent classes. It's all guesswork. I just hope I'm guessing right. 370 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,274 Oh, dear. It's hardly breathing at all. 371 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,311 Give it some more brandy. 372 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:36,838 Will it live, Tom? 373 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:40,109 Well, if it does, it's going to be a chronic alcoholic. 374 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,473 Hurry up with that tube! 375 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,791 Barbara, why are you dusting? 376 00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,831 Because I don't smoke. 377 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,036 You did say I could call back. Any news? 378 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,711 The vet's here. He's with him now. 379 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:12,991 Hello, sarge? 380 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,953 The vet's here. He's with him now. Over. 381 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,551 Yes, I will. Over and out. 382 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,271 My sarge says, "All the best." 383 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:28,473 - Oh, that's nice. - Thank you. 384 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,436 Jerry... 385 00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:39,631 Well? 386 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:43,551 We won. 387 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,119 - Oh, I'm so glad. - So am I. Can we go back to bed now'? 388 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,231 Heartless! 389 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,271 Hello, sarge? 390 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:56,039 Teas all round in the canteen. Over. 391 00:24:57,920 --> 00:24:59,911 Yes, I will. Over and out. 392 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:04,796 - My sarge says, "All the best." - Again? 393 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:13,475 For your information, Madam, my sarge has two spaniels and a hamster. 394 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,114 - Well, I'll be on my way. - Before you go, thanks very much. 395 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,198 The vet said if you hadn't got that oxygen, he wouldn't have made it. 396 00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:22,277 Thanks, Mr Plod. 397 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:25,517 Corl I've never been kissed by the public before. 398 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,431 Good night, Constable. 399 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:36,237 - What's that supposed to mean, sir? - Nothing. I was just being civil. 400 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:41,559 Yes, well, just you watch your step in future. That's all. 401 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:44,633 And you. 402 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:47,631 Well, really! 403 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,398 What a night. 404 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,876 Nothing like animal husbandry to while away the small hours. 405 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,958 - Can the piggy go back to its mum now, Tom? - No, not yet. 406 00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:00,597 The vet says we've got to hand-rear it till it fills out, goes into long trousers. 407 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:04,918 - It's going to take a bit of our time, isn't it? - Quite a bit. 408 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,839 - We haven't done the practical thing, have we? - No. 409 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:09,871 Which is what you said when it was born. 410 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,911 - Yes. - Sorry. 411 00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:14,631 I'm not. 412 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,671 That's enough. That does it. 413 00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:19,633 I've tolerated being woken up in the middle of the night, 414 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,354 I've tolerated a running battle with an idiot policeman. 415 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:26,553 I've even tolerated my car being wrecked and my best jersey being used as a pig blanket, 416 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:29,672 but when I'm asked to witness you two wallowing in your own treacle, 417 00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:31,711 I draw the line. 418 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,110 I'm going to bed. 419 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,390 - Thanks, Jerry. - Jerry, thanks. 420 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:41,149 Yes, well, I must be getting along too. I'm so glad the pig's all right. 421 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,191 - Thanks to your help. - Not at all. 422 00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:47,398 Oh, I'll pop round with the riding hat later, Barbara. 423 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,795 Why? I shan't be riding the piglet. 424 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:53,629 No, but you can get the horse now. 425 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,991 You won over the pig, So now you can make Tom get you the horse. 426 00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,190 I shall do no such thing! 427 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:03,837 Very well, Barbara. I suppose I must simply accept that you are that kind of woman. 428 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:05,598 What kind of woman? 429 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:10,953 A woman who wants to be dominated, who actually enjoys being ordered about by men. 430 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,991 Very well. I accept it. 431 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:18,636 Margo, I wouldn't say that you were averse to a bit of male domination. 432 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,593 - I beg your pardon? - I ordered you about in the kitchen. 433 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,029 - I didn't hear any complaints. - Don't be absurd. 434 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:28,278 - In fact, your cheeks flushed quite responsively. - They did not. 435 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:30,311 - You're doing it now. - No, I'm not. 436 00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:32,351 - You are. - No, I'm not. It's the light. 437 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:33,959 Don't be silly. I'm going to bed. 438 00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:39,551 (Chuckles) 439 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,591 Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. 440 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,631 Women, eh? 441 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,149 (Laughs) 442 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,271 (Chuckles) 443 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:01,079 Just get out into the kitchen and feed that pig. 444 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:04,871 - Now! - Oh, yes, dear! 445 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:07,036 Of course, dear. I'll do it right away! 36996

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