All language subtitles for The.Conners.S01E02.480p.x264-mSD

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Ah.
David just parked.

You know, I don't think
I've ever met Mark's dad.

Well, we've actually been
separated for years,

so he's never been
to a parent-teacher
conference before.

He was
working overseas.
Oh.

Not for money, but, um...

But he's a good dad...
yeah.

Not a great dad,
or he would've been on time.

I'm just -- I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

We have that kind
of relationship,

you know, when he's not around.

Oh, so, so sorry we're late.

Who's this?

This is my girlfriend, Blue.

Blue, this is Darlene,

and -- and Mark's teacher,
Mrs... um, Reynolds.

Thank you for having me,

member of
the noblest profession.

Ah, and it's so nice
to finally meet you, Darlene.

Yes, it's...
nice to meet you, too.

And what a delightful surprise
that it's happening here!

I should've told you
that Blue was coming,

but at the last minute,

she felt that --

I-I mean we felt
that if she was here,

she could be
a more profound part

of Mark's life journey.

Yeah, I've only met Mark twice,

but I've known him forever.

And, you know, like
they say, the more
parents, the better!

Um... who says that?
No one says that.

So, why don't we get started.

Uh, yeah, sorry.

I'm -- I'm anxious
to hear how Mark's
doing in his new class.

First, Mark is
an absolute pleasure,

although he can be...
a little too talkative at times.

That is so Mark.

I'm always saying that.
He's so highly verbal.

Totally. You would
know, 'cause you've
met him twice, so...

So, uh...
Mark's a big talker?

Is that -- Is that
affecting his schoolwork?

No. Honestly, it's a struggle
to keep him challenged.

W-W-Well, you know,
if you think

he needs some extra work
to challenge him,

we can help him when the kids
stay over this weekend.

H-Hold up. What --
The kids are staying over?

I never agreed to that.

Huh. My smart watch is telling
me to get up and move,

and, I don't know,
now seems like a good time.

You said the kids
could sleep over sometimes.

That's just
something you say, like,

"They're your kids, too."

Come on.

I'm trying to make up
for lost time here.

Fine.
They can sleep over.

[ Chuckles ] And you do
not have to worry.

I lived on a weed commune...

...where we all shared in
the raising of the children.

Oh, yeah, sure.
Well, it's easier that way

when you're too stoned
to know whose kid is whose.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

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"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live
studio audience.

Ah, damn.
[ Clears throat ]

You okay?

Ah, I'm short a guy at work.

My back's acting up
from hangin' drywall.

Turns out...

I forgot to eat right
and exercise

for the last 50 years.

It's never too late.

That's what they say, but...

it is.

Hey, Beck.

What do you need?

Willpower or a beer.

Once again, we have a winner!

Hey, you know what, Deej?

If you want to pick up
a couple extra bucks,

you could help out on my crew.

I am slammed at work.

You know the servicing
of vending machines,

it's not just collecting coins.

Vandals scratch curse words
into the glass.

And they say
firemen are heroes.

Hey, Dad?

Mm-hmm?

How come you didn't ask me
to do drywall?

'Cause I'm a girl?
[ Sighs ]

Wait, you're not
gonna get me with that one.

No, I didn't ask you
because you're a woman.

Come on. I could really
use the extra money.

I'm saving to put a down payment
on a mobile home

with a patio and a tree
that you can tie yourself to

when the tornado comes.

I'd love to, Beck,
but it's construction.

I'm not comfortable
having you around

all that rough language
and dirty jokes,

and I don't think
I can cut back.

Women built the pyramids, Dad.

I don't know if that's true,

but I like how quick
you came up with it.

So, is that a yes?

All right, Butch.
We'll give it a shot.

Oh!

And, Mom, we'll be fine.

Don't text me every
five minutes when I'm
with Dad and Blue.

I won't.

Just remember, any
nice feelings you
have about her...

hurt me.

Are you jealous because
new mommy is so pretty?

Ohh. That was rough.

I'm a little wounded...
and kinda proud.

Harris, you come
from a long line of
sharp-tongued women

who have found that
this particular gift

keeps them from having any
truly successful relationships

outside the family.

[ Knock on door, door opens ]

Hey.
You got everything?

Everything but happiness.

I mean I'm working on it
with a new boyfriend.

Sorry, I-I-I meant bags.

Oh, yeah, we got baggage...

but...
[Clears throat]

we're aware of it,
and as a life coach,

I know that once you're
aware of the problem,

then you can begin
that long, long process.

Uh, yeah...

sensing that
you're still living alone?

Uh, no, no,
I've got Bev with me now.

Talking to her is a challenge.

Did you know that
she was beautiful in her day

but neither of her daughters
inherited that?

[ Laughs nervously ]

So strange being in
this house without your mom.

When you and I
were having problems,

she'd always take me aside
and say,

"David, I can't understand you
when you're crying."

- Well, you were the daughter she always wanted.
- [ Chuckles ]

How you doing?

Mm.

Up and down.

Well, things look like
they're going really
well with you and Blue.

Yeah. Thank you for being
so accepting of it.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

Um... did you tell her

that we slept together
like three months ago?

I just need to know in case
I mention it in passing.

Please do not do that.

Okay, but let's
be brutally honest.

After we had sex, you were
totally ready to ditch Blue.

Well...

It was great sex.

Yeah. It was.

[ Chuckling ] Don't --
Don't... confuse me.

I-I really think I found
something that works.

[ Scoffs ]
Really? With her?

Yeah.

Yes, I think
I found my soulmate.

That's great.
[ Chuckles ]

I mean, I just wanted clarity.

As long as we're clear,
it's great.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, me. Yeah. Hi.
Hi, son.

What happened
to your socks and shoes?

We're grounding.

Harris and I are
gonna do it this
weekend with Blue.

She says it's a way
to be more connected
to Mother Earth.

Uncle David's girlfriend, Blue,
says God is in the dirt.

You replaced
this wonderful woman

with "God is in the dirt"
woman?

Great to see you, Geena.

I see the war has softened you.

Hello, everyone.
Name's Becky.

Not gonna lie, I'm also
the boss's daughter.

Just because I may own
this business one day

should not affect
how you treat me.

Good morning, Miss Healy.

Nice to see you on time
for your first day.

What's in here?

Water. Duh!

Water has bubbles
when you shake it.

There's no bubbles
when I shake this.

[ Sniffs ]
This vodka?

Oh, my God.

Okay...

Who put vodka
in my water bottle?

Dwight?

So not cool, man.

Guys, would you go out
and unload my truck?

Thanks.

What the hell's going on?

It's 6:30
in the morning.

Sorry, Dad.

I usually take a shot

before I start
at the restaurant.

Sober Becky wasn't
getting really good tips.

Here's a tip --

if somebody gets hurt
on this job,

I lose my license.

That's why I have
a zero-tolerance policy

for alcohol!

And the union's okay with that?

Is this going to be a problem?

Okay, fine.

Sober Becky it is.

We'll all get to
know her together.

How come those glasses
are still full?

Ha ha!

Señoritas' night.

I-I want to have fun.

I just keep thinking
about how David and
his crazy girlfriend

are playing house with my kids.

Well, you're here, you're out,

you're two shots away
from losing Darlene

and discovering...

Dah-leenah!

Look, I know it's hard to hear,

but David found someone,
and so should you.

There is a room
full of guys here.

And you're a catch.

You're an educated,

diabetes-free woman in Lanford?

There's only two of us.

All right, let's make this
a drinking game.

Every time we spot
a guy who looks like

he doesn't have a job,
we take a drink,

and then
you'll have the courage

to approach the ones who do.

I'm in.

Plaid shirt at two o'clock.
Check it out.

He's wearing a watch
with a leather band.

Yeah, but nobody
wears a watch anymore.

That means he can't
afford a phone.

No job!

Hey.

That guy's stitches are even.

Them there's doctor stitches.

Healthcare -- job!

If you're not gonna
hit that, I will.

Okay, this is pathetic.

Hunting for men or
our lives aren't complete?

We're better than that.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, hi.
Yeah, sure.

Gin and tonic?

Yes.

While you're doing that,

I'm gonna get the 411
on Stitches for ya.

Uh, two gin and tonics, please.

I'm sorry. W-What kind
of gin do you prefer?

Oh, you choose.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes the man chooses.
[ Chuckles ]

Uh, well...

Let's see, they got
the one with the fancy
English guard guy.

But, you know,
once you put the tonic in,

it most likely is gonna
taste the same anyway.

You know what?

We should probably
be looking at tonics.

Uh, d-do you have
a list of tonics?

Um...

Two English guard guys
and your best tonic.

Y-You're not
with somebody, right?

Oh, no, I was,
but that was, like,

20 years ago,
so I think I'm free.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, I'm Darlene.

I-I got to tell you, I --

I love your curly hair.

But you probably
hate it, right?

Everybody always wants
what they don't have.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm kind of
a direct person.

I assume you're
talking to me because,

at some point, you
want all this small
talk to lead to sex?

It doesn't have to.

No, no, no, it's okay.

I'm seriously considering it.

Stitches was a bust.

[ Clears throat ]
Horse kicked him
in the head.

He's not all there.

♪♪

Hey.

Oh, hey. Hi, you.

Uh, I was just on my way out.

Let me get my shoes on.

Do you mind if we go inside
and talk for a minute?

Oh, yeah, just --
just a minute.

I'm late to the place
I was clearly on my way to.

I just thought I'd stop by
and give you an update

on how things are going.

Uh...

Mark's fine and...

Harris is fine, too.

Why would you come over here

to tell me everything's fine?

All right, uh...

Something happened
but nothing's wrong.

Does it look like
I'm enjoying this game?

Harris had a friend over, um...

a boy...
and they had sex.

What?!

Wha-- How -- What do you --

How could you let this happen?!

I was at work and I-I know
that's no excuse

and I-I feel horrible.

Wait, w-why were you at work

when you were supposed
to be watching our kids?!

I couldn't help it.

I started my job
at Trader Joe's,

and they made me work overtime

to do all the
stupid chalkboards.

They really like my drawings,

which makes me feel good,
but on the other hand --

David!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Look, I-I-I was just as upset
as you are right now,

but...

here's the good news.

Blue was there

and Harris ended up
telling her what happened

and they really bonded over it.

[ Scoffs ]
Oh, good.

That's the first thing
I was worried about --

how will this affect Blue?!

I know that there's
a lot to talk about,

and we will, but I
have to go to work now.

- [ Scoffs ]
- I n-- I need this job.

They want me to open early
to stock the stone fruit.

It -- It's actually a pretty
big vote of confidence.

Where are you going?

To your house to get my kids.

Stop!

What?!

I don't know. I didn't expect
the "stop" to work, so...

[ Knock on door ]

Where are they?

David told me you would
probably be upset.

Come here.

Don't touch me!

I want my kids.

Well, they're upstairs
getting ready to go.

Harris!

You know what?

I -- As soon as you found
out this happened,

you should have called me.

I don't have a cellphone.

They kill bees.

Oh, okay, I'm sorry.

See, I didn't realize
you're out of your mind.

That explains how
you got suckered into

letting a 16-year-old
be alone with a boy.

Harris did not trick me, okay?

We had a very powerful
discussion about sex

and the female body

and getting our needs met

before anything even happened.

Do not move!

You're saying you knew about
this before it happened?

You crystal-licking,
patchouli-smelling
hippie bitch!

Hey. I, uh...

forgot my chalk.

So...

...how's everything
going?

Um, Darlene is working
through her anger

to get to a more mature place.

- I will kill you!
- O-Okay, okay, all right.

That's -- That's -- That's
a good... starting point.

Uh, Blue, how do you feel
about Darlene wanting to...

kill you?

I think you should get her
out of our house.

Oh, my pleasure, Blue.

Harris, why don't you go
upstairs and get your stuff

and find your brother
and knock the crack
pipe out of his hand

and meet me in the car!

Hey, Mark, I'm about to talk
to your sister about sex.

You want to listen in?

Okay, he can't hear anything.

Okay, first of all...

...are you okay?

Yes.

Well, how well
do you know this boy?

Pretty well.

Better now.

Look, I know you're mad at me,
but I'm not stupid.

I've heard everything
you've said to me about
sex since I was 11.

Well, then, why didn't
you come to me?

Did you tell your mom
you were going to have sex?

No. My mom relentlessly
grilled me.

That's why I didn't push you.

I was waiting for you to talk
to me when you were ready.

[ Sighs deeply ]

What's up?

Just checking my texts.

Oh, nothing from him?

Not yet.

I'm sorry. Boys can be
really stupid.

They're training for being men.

[ Clears throat ]

He'll call.

You know, or he won't, and
you'll be fine either way.

So, your big thing is that...

you want me to come to
you with all my personal
problems and stuff,

and you won't judge me?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, that's
exactly what I want.

Okay, then we need to
stop at a drug store for
a morning-after pill,

because I'm worried
that we used the condom wrong.

I know I'm old enough
to get the pill by myself,

but I'd feel better
if you came with me.

Who talks to their mom
about that kind of stuff?

Hey, Deej. I bought
the "Mamma Mia!" soundtrack.

You want to listen?

Score! Yes!

Okay, great. I wanted
to talk to you in private.

What's up?

I've been thinking
about what you said...

and you're right.

I don't actually think
I can go a whole day...

...without drinking.

Okay. I want
to hear a plan.

I believe I can give you

a good half-day's
work for now...

...and then work on getting
the other half together.

W-What are we talkin' about?
A month? A year?

Until after Oktoberfest?

I forgot about Oktoberfest.
I love Oktoberfest.

I'm gonna give you six weeks,

and if you still don't
have it under control,

I'm gonna have to pull the job.

I know I can stop.

I hope so.

[ Loudly ] Pierce Brosnan
is a much better singer

than he gets credit for!

[ Knock on door ]

Hey. What do you want?

I'd like to say
goodnight to the kids.

Okay, Mark is already asleep,

but if you want, you
can go tuck Harris
and her boyfriend in.

I deserve that.

Oh, before you go up,
we should talk.

Look, I-I know I screwed up.

The only thing I can say
is that, in the future,

I will watch her like a hawk.

Yeah, you better,
because from now on,

they're not coming over
unless you're gonna be home.

And Blue can't be part
of parenting decisions.

Fine. But she's going to be
a part of the kids' lives.

She's gonna be at all
the major life events,

like high-school graduations
and college drop-offs.

Okay, great.

If -- If any of our kids
graduate from high school

or go to college,

you can bring Blue
and all the rest of
the primary colors.

Will you quit making fun
of her name?

They named her Blue

because she wasn't
breathing when she was born.

Wow.
That explains a lot.

Um... there's
one last thing.

Yeah.

[ Voice breaking ] It's clear
that things are serious

with you and Blue, so...

...um, I think it's time
we get a divorce.

Yeah, sure, no, I'm...

It makes sense.

It's gonna be weird
not being married to you.

Yeah, I would've
thought it got weird

when you started living
with another woman, but...

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah.

Yeah.

[ Sniffles ]

I-It'll be weird not being
married to you, too.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

What's up?

Oh, um, nothing.

I don't know, actually, um...

I don't know why
I'm hiding this.

Uh...

I-I met a guy at the bar
the other night,

and, uh, he wants
to go out on Friday.

With me.

Cool.

So you like him?

Oh, I don't know. I mean,
we only went out once.

But, you know, I think
he could be my soulmate.

They're old enough
to behave like adults,

but they don't think
like adults.

You just got to hang in there.

[ Sighs ]

I don't know how
you handled it,

with me sneaking in
and out of Darlene's
bedroom all the time.

You guys were right downstairs
when we were going at it.

We weren't exactly quiet.

You know, David...
[Sighs]

if you disappeared,

everybody would think
you just ran off again.

I pushed too hard.
I felt it.