All language subtitles for yui8op

[♪ The Gabe Dixon Band: Find My Way]

[birds chirping]

Shit!

[indistinct chattering]

Andrew, hey.

Here you go. Your regular lattes.

Literally saved my life.
Thank you. Thank you.

[honking]

[elevator dinging]

- Everyone OK?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Me too.

Hello, Frank? How's my favorite writer?

Of course you've been
thinking about our talk

because you know I'm right.

Frank, people in this
country are busy, broke,

and they hate to read.
They need someone they can trust to say,

"Hey! Don't watch
CSI: Indianapolistonight.

Read a book! Read Frank's book."
And that person is Oprah.

[indistinct chatter]

- Cuttin' it close.
- One of those mornings.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

- [both grunting]
- Sweet...

- Uh, sorry.
- ...Jesus!

- [laughter]
- [man] Rub some dirt on it, brother.

Frank, the truth is all
A-plus novelists do publicity.

Roth, McCourt, Russo, and...

Frank! Can I tell you what else
they have in common? A Pulitzer.

I need the shirt off
your back. Literally.

- You're kidding, right?
- Yankees, Boston, this Tuesday,

two company seats for your shirt.
You have five seconds to decide.

Five, four, three, two, one.

- [laughing]
- I know...

- Shh!
- Later.

- [gasps]
- Uh-oh.

- [popping sound]
- [clears throat]

[popping sound on numerous computers]

Uh, hello. Hello?

Morning, boss. You have a
conference call in 30 minutes.

Yes. About the marketing
of the spring books. I know.

Staff meeting at 9:00.

Did you call, um...
[groans] What's her name?

The one with the ugly hands.

- Janet.
- Yes, Janet.

Yes. I did call her. I told her that

if she doesn't get her
manuscript in on time

you won't give her a release date.
Your immigration lawyer called.

He said it's imperative...

Cancel the call, push
the meeting to tomorrow

and keep the lawyer on the sheets.

Oh, and get a hold of PR,

have them start drafting
a press release.

Frank is doing Oprah.

Wow. Nicely done.

If I want your praise,
I will ask for it.

Um...

Who is, uh, who is Jillian?

And why does she want me to call her?

Well, that was originally my cup.

And I'm drinking your coffee why?

Because your coffee spilled.

So, you drink unsweetened
cinnamon light soy lattes?

I do. It's like Christmas in a cup.

Is that a coincidence?

- Incredibly, it is.
- [phone ringing]

I mean I wouldn't possibly drink
the same coffee that you drink

just in case yours spilled.

That would be pathetic.

Morning. Miss Tate's office.

Hey, Bob.

Actually, we're headed to
your office right now. Yeah.

Why are we headed to Bob's office?

- [tsks]
- [tsks]

[tsks]

- [popping sound]
- [multiple pops]

[gasps] Oop!

Have you finished the
manuscript I gave you?

Uh, I read a few pages.
I wasn't that impressed.

- Can I say something?
- No.

I've read thousands of manuscripts,

and this is the only one
I've given you.

There's an incredible novel in there.

The kind of novel you used to publish.

Uh, wrong. And I do think you
order the same coffee as I do

just in case you spill,
which is, in fact, pathetic.

- Or impressive.
- I'd be impressed

if you didn't spill in the first place.

Now remember, you're
just a prop in here.

- Won't say a word.
- [clears throat]

Ah! Our fearless leader and
her liege. Please, do come in.

Oh. Beautiful breakfront. Is it new?

It is English Regency Egyptian
Revival, built in the 1800s

but, yes, it is new to my office.

Witty.

Bob, I'm letting you go.

Pardon?

I asked you over a dozen times to get
Frank to do Oprah, and you didn't do it.

You're fired.

I have told you that is impossible.

Frank hasn't done an
interview in 20 years.

[Tate] Well that is
interesting, because I just

got off the phone
with him, and he is in.

Excuse me?

You didn't even call him, did you?

- But...
- I know, I know.

Frank can be a little scary
to deal with. For you.

Now, I will give you two
months to find anotherjob.

And then you can tell
everyone you resigned, OK?

What's his twenty?

He's moving. He has crazy eyes.

Don't do it, Bob. Don't do it.

- You poisonous bitch!
- [all gasp]

You can't fire me!

You don't think I see
what you're doing here?

Sandbagging me on this Oprah thing

just so that you can
look good to the board?

Because you are threatened by me!

- And you are a monster.
- Bob, stop.

Just because you have
no semblance of a life

outside of this office,

you think that you can treat all of us

like your own personal slaves.

You know what? I feel sorry for you.

Because you know what you're
gonna have on your deathbed?

Nothing and no one.

[breathes deeply]

Listen carefully, Bob.

I didn't fire you because
I feel threatened. No.

I fired you because you're
lazy, entitled, incompetent

and you spend more time
cheating on your wife

than you do in your office.

And if you say another word,

Andrew here is gonna have you
thrown out on your ass, OK?

Another word and you're
going out of here

with an armed escort.

Andrew will film it with
his little camera phone

and he will put it
on that Internet site.

- What was it?
- YouTube?

Exactly. Is that what you want?

Didn't think so. I have work to do.

[all murmuring]

Have security take his
breakfront out of his office

and put it in my conference room.

Will do.

And I need you around this weekend

to help review his files
and his manuscript.

- This weekend?
- You have a problem with that?

No. I... just my
grandmother's 90th birthday,

so I was gonna go home and...

...it's fine. I'll cancel it.

You're actually saving me from
a weekend of misery anyway,

so it's... good talk, yeah.

I know, I know. OK, tell
Gammy I'm sorry. OK? What...

Mom. What do you want me to tell you?

She's making me work the weekend.

No, I'm not... no.

Listen, I've worked too
hard for this promotion

to throw it all away, OK?

I'm sure that Dad is pissed,

but we take all of our submissions
around here very seriously.

We'll get back to
you as soon as we can.

- Was that your family?
- Yes.

- They tell you to quit?
- Every single day.

Miss Tate's office.

Oh... Yeah. OK. All right.

Bergen and Malloy want to
see you upstairs immediately.

[groans] OK. Come get me in ten
minutes. We've got a lot to do.

Okey-doke.

[phone ringing]

Good morning, Miss Tate.

Jack, Edwin.

Margaret, congratulations
on the Oprah thing.

- That's terrific news.
- Thank you, thank you.

This isn't about my second raise, is it?
[chuckles] Just kidding.

Margaret, do you
remember when we agreed

that you wouldn't go to
the Frankfurt Book Fair

because you weren't allowed
out of the country

while your visa application
was being processed?

Yes. I do.

And... you went to Frankfurt.

Yes, I did. We were going
to lose DeLillo to Viking.

So... really didn't
have a choice, did I?

It seems that the
United States Government

doesn't care much who
publishes Don DeLillo.

We, uh, just spoke to
your immigration attorney.

Great. So, we're all good?
Everything good?

Margaret, your visa application
has been denied.

- [stammers]
- And you are being deported.

Deported?

And apparently there
was also some paperwork

that you didn't fill out in time.

Come on. Come on! It's not
like I'm even an immigrant!

I'm from Canada, for Christ's sake.

There's gotta be... there's
gotta be something we can do.

We can reapply, but unfortunately

you have to leave the country
for at least a year.

OK. OK, well, that's
not ideal, but, uh..,

I can, uh... I can manage
everything from Toronto...

[Bergen] No, Margaret.

...with videoconferencing
and Internet.

[Malloy] Unfortunately, Margaret,

if you're deported,
you can't work for an American company.

Until this is resolved I'm going
to turn operations over

to Bob Spaulding.

Bob Spaulding? The guy I just fired?

We need an editor in chief.

He is the only person in the building
who has enough experience.

- You cannot be serious. I beg of you.
- Margaret.

We are desperate to have you stay.

If there was any way, any way at all

that we could make this work,
we'd be doing it.

- [knocking]
- [Margaret] There is no way...

I am begging you.

No, Margaret. Excuse me,
we're in a meeting.

- Sorry to interrupt.
- What? What!

Mary from Miss Winfrey's office
called. She's on the line.

- I know.
- [Andrew] She's on hold.

She needs to speak with you right away.
I told her you were otherwise engaged.

She insisted, so... sorry.

So...

Uh... [mouthing]

[whispering] Come here.

Uh... Gentlemen, I understand.
I understand...

the predicament that we are in.

And, um...

And there's, uh... well...

I think there's something
that you should know.

Uh... we're, uh...
we're getting married.

We are getting married.

- Who is getting married?
- You and I.

You and I are getting married! Yes.

- We are.
- Getting married.

- [mumbling] We are getting married.
- Yes.

Isn't he your secretary?

Assistant.

Executive, uh...
assistant secretary. Titles.

But, wouldn't be the first time
one of us fell for our secretaries.

Would it, Edwin?

[Margaret] With Laquisha. Remember?

So, yeah... The truth is,

you know, Andrew and I, we're...
we are just two people

who weren't meant to
fall in love but we did.

No.

All those late nights at the
office and weekend book fairs.

- Yeah...
- No.

- Something happened.
- Something.

Yeah. Tried to fight it and...

Can't, can't fight a...

Can't fight a love like ours, so, uh...

Uh... Are we good with this?
Are you happy?

Because, well... we are happy. So happy.

- [Bergen] Margaret.
- Yes?

It's terrific.

Just make it legal. Mmm?

Oh! Legal. [chuckles]

Yeah, well, then...
then that means we...

...we need to get ourselves
to the immigration office.

So we can work this
whole mess out. Right?

[Margaret] Thank you
very much, gentlemen.

We will do that right away.

Thank you very much,
gentlemen. Thank you.

- Gentlemen.
- Thank you.

[popping]

[woman whispers] Margaret
and Andrew are getting married!

[woman #2] What is that about?

[man whispering] Dragon Lady!
Here they come...

[snickering] Yeah.

[woman #3] What is he thinking?

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

[indistinct chatter]

Dude, for real. Her? [laughing]

[woman #4] Married? Didn't
even know they were dating...

[Margaret clears throat]

[clearing throat]

What?

I don't understand what's happening.

[Margaret] Relax. This is for you, too.

Do explain.

They were going to make Bob chief.

So naturally I would have to marry you.

[Margaret] And what's the problem?

Like you were saving yourself
for someone special?

I like to think so.
Besides, it's illegal.

They're looking for terrorists,
not for book publishers.

- Margaret.
- Yes?

- I'm not gonna marry you.
- Sure you are.

Because if you don't marry me, your
dreams of touching the lives of millions

with the written word are dead.

Bob is gonna fire you the second
I'm gone. Guaranteed.

That means you're out on the street
alone looking for a job.

That means all the time that
we spent together, all the lattes,

all the canceled dates,
all the midnight Tampax runs,

were all for nothing and all your dreams
of being an editor are gone.

But don't worry, after the required
allotment of time,

we'll get a quickie divorce
and you'll be done with me.

But until then, like it or not,

your wagon is hitched to mine. OK?

- [phone ringing]
- Phone.

[indistinct chatter]

- This way.
- Margaret.

- [hisses] Come.
- The line...

Next, please.

Ooh, ooh. Just, uh...

Sorry, I just need to ask him something.

I need for you to file this
fiancée visa for me, please.

[scoffs]

- Miss Tate?
- Yes.

Please, come with me.

[woman] Yes, ma'am, I understand
that. We're backed up...

I have a bad feeling about this.

[knocking]

- Hi. Hello.
- Hello.

Hi. I'm Mr. Gilbertson.

- Ah!
- And you must be Andrew,

- and you must be...
- Margaret.

...Margaret. Sorry about the wait.

It's a, uh, crazy day today.

Oh, of course, of course. We understand.

And I can't tell you how much
we appreciate you seeing us

- on such short notice.
- OK. [sighs]

♪ Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh
buh, buh, buh, buuuh

So, I have one question for you.

Are you both committing fraud
to avoid her deportation

so she can keep her position
as editor in chief at Colden Books?

- That's ridiculous.
- Where did you hear that?

We had a phone tip this afternoon
from a man named...

Would it be Bob Spaulding?

Bob Spaulding.

Bob. Poor Bob. I am so sorry.

Bob is nothing but a disgruntled
former employee.

And I apologize.

But we know you're incredibly busy

with a room full of gardeners
and delivery boys to tend to.

If you just give us our next step,

we will be out of your
hair and on our way.

Miss Tate, please.

Let me explain to you the
process that's about to unfold.

Step one will be a scheduled interview.

I'll put you each in a room,
and I'll ask you every little question

that a real couple
would know about each other.

Step two, I dig deeper.
I look at your phone records,

I talk to your neighbors,
I interview your coworkers.

If your answers don't match up
at every point,

you will be deported indefinitely.

And you, young man,
will have committed a felony...

- [woman shouting in Spanish]
- ...punishable by a fine of $250,000

and a stay of five years
in federal prison.

[Gilbertson] So, Andrew.

You wanna... you want to talk to me?

No?

Yes?

The truth is...

[Andrew clears throat]

Mr. Gilbertson, the truth is...

Margaret and I...

...are just two people

who weren't supposed to fall in love.

[Andrew] But did.

We couldn't tell anyone we work with

because of my big promotion
that I had coming up.

- [Gilbertson] Promotion?
- Yeah.

- Your...?
- We... we both felt, uh...

...that it would be deeply inappropriate
if I were to be promoted to editor.

- Editor. Mmm-hmm.
- ...while we were...

So... [clears throat]

Have the two of you told your parents
about your secret love?

Oh, I... impossible.
My parents are dead.

- No brothers or sisters either.
- Gone.

Are your parents dead?

- Oh, no, his are very much alive.
- No... very much.

Very much. They're, ah... Well,
we were gonna tell them this weekend.

Gammy's 90th birthday, and the whole
family's coming together.

And we thought it'd be a nice surprise.

[Gilbertson] And where is this
surprise gonna take place?

At Andrew's parents' house.

Where is that located again?

Um... [scoffs]
Why am I doing all the talking?

It's your parents' house.

Why don't you tell him
where it is. Jump in.

- Sitka.
- Sitka.

- Alaska.
- Alaska?

You're gonna go to Alaska this weekend?

- Yeah.
- Yes, yes.

We are going to Alaska.
Alaska, that's where...

That's where my little...
that's where my Andrew's from.

[Gilbertson] OK.

Fine. I see how this is gonna go.

I will see you both
at 1 1 :00 Monday morning

for your scheduled interview,

and your answers better
match up on every account.

- Thank you.
- Hello?

- I'm looking forward to this one.
- We're looking forward to this one.

Thank you.

Gonna be fun.
I'll be checking up on you.

You got it.

OK... so, what's gonna happen is
we will go up there.

We will pretend like we're
boyfriend and girlfriend,

tell your parents we're engaged.

Uh, use the miles for the tickets.

I guess I will pop for you to fly first
class. But make sure you use the miles.

Ifwe don't get the miles,
we're not doing it.

Oh, and please confirm
the vegan meal, OK?

'Cause last time they actually
gave it to a vegan,

and they, uh... forced me to eat

this clammy, warm, creamy
salad thing, which was...

Hey, I'm... Why aren't you taking notes?

I'm sorry, were you not in that room?

What? What?

Oh! The thing you said about
being promoted?

Genius! Genius.
He completely fell for it.

I was serious.

I'm looking at a $250,000 fine
and five years in jail.

That changes things.

- Promote you to editor? No, no way.
- Then I quit, and you're screwed.

Bye-bye, Margaret.

- Andrew!
- It really has been

- a little slice of heaven.
- Andrew, Andrew! Fine, fine.

I'll make you editor. Fine.

If you do the Alaska weekend
and the immigration interview,

I will make you editor. Happy?

- And not in two years. Right away.
- Fine.

And you'll publish my manuscript.

Ten thousand copy first...

Twenty thousand copies, first run.

And we'll tell my family
about our engagement

when I want and how I want.

Now, ask me nicely.

"Ask you nicely" what?

Ask me nicely to marry you, Margaret.

- What does that mean?
- You heard me. On your knee.

Fine.

[honking]

- Does this work for you?
- Oh, I like this. Yeah.

- Will you marry me?
- No.

Say it like you mean it.

[clears throat]

- Andrew?
- Yes, Margaret?

- Sweet Andrew?
- I'm listening.

Would you please,
with cherries on top, marry me?

OK. I don't appreciate the sarcasm,
but I'll do it.

- See you at the airport tomorrow.
- Good.

So, these are the questions
that INS is gonna ask us.

Now, the good news is is
I know everything about you,

but the bad news is
that you have four days

to learn all this about me.
So, you should... probably get studying.

You know all the answers
to these questions about me?

- Scary, isn't it?
- [Margaret] A little bit.

- What am I allergic to?
- Pine nuts.

And the full spectrum of human emotion.

Oh, that's... that was funny.
[chuckles]

- Mmm-hmm.
- Umm...

Here's a good one. Do I have any scars?

I'm pretty sure that you have a tattoo.

Oh, you're pretty sure?

I'm pretty sure. Two years ago,
your dermatologist called

and asked about a Q-switched laser.

I of course Googled a Q-switched laser

and found that they
in fact do remove tattoos.

But you canceled your appointment.

So what is it? Tribal ink?

Japanese calligraphy? Barbed wire?

You know, it's exciting for me
to experience you like this.

Thank you. You're gonna have
to tell me where it is, though.

- No, I'm not.
- They're gonna ask.

We're done with that question.
We're done with that question.

On to another question.
Let me see, let me see.

Oh, here's one. Whose place do we
stay at, yours or mine?

That's easy. Mine.

And why wouldn't we stay at mine?

Because I live at Central Park West.

And you probably live at some
squalid little studio apartment

with stacks of yellowed
Penguin Classics.

[woman on PA] Ladies and gentlemen,
please fasten your seat belts.

We are beginning our descent
into Juneau.

Juneau? I thought
we were going to Sitka.

- We are.
- How are we getting to Sitka?

- [rumbling]
- [rattling]

Whoa.

All right. Here we go.

- Oh, there he is!
- Andrew!

- [woman shouting]
- [laughter]

Hi. Right this way...

- Hi!
- Oh...

- It's so good to see you!
- You're suffocating him, Grace.

- Come here.
- Hey, Gammy.

Ah, Gammy. How are you doing?
Where's Dad?

Oh, you know your father.
He's always working.

Never mind about him. Where's your girl?

Uh, she's... right there.

- [Gammy] Ah.
- [Andrew] There she is.

I guess the word "girl"
is inappropriate.

Annie.

- Hi!
- [Margaret] Hello.

- Margaret, this is my mom.
- Oh, hello.

Yeah, great. This is my gammy, Annie.

- Pleasure.
- Well, hello there.

Now, do you prefer being called Margaret
or Satan's Mistress?

We've heard it both ways.

[Gammy] Actually we've heard it
lots ofways.

She's kidding.

- Oh! Oh... OK.
- [chuckling]

Thank you so much for...

allowing me to be a part
of this weekend.

Oh, you're welcome.
We're thrilled to have you.

Let's get you two back to the fort.

- OK.
- [Gammy] Oh...

- It's so good to see you.
- [grunts] There we are.

[Margaret whispers] Andrew...

[slightly louder] Andrew. Andrew!

[yelps] Please, don't do that.

You didn't tell me about all
the family businesses, honey.

He was probably just
being modest, dear.

Oh.

What are we doing? Shouldn't we
check into our hotel right now?

Oh, we canceled your reservation.

Family doesn't stay at a hotel.

You're gonna stay in our home.

Oh, great! Great.

- What?
- [grunts] God.

You're gonna wanna use your legs
to lift that one.

Andrew! Help her with those.

I'd love to, but she won't let me
do anything.

She insists on doing it all herself.
She's one of those... she's a feminist.

[grunts]

Come on, sweetie.

[Gammy] You see the shoes
that broad was wearing?

This is the last of 'em.

- Oh!
- Ooh.

- [Andrew] Five second rule.
- Got it!

That will dry right off.

Psst! Psst!
I'm not getting on that boat.

You don't have to.
See you in a few days.

Psst! You know I can't swim.

Hence, the boat.

Come on.

[Andrew] Come on. Here we go.

Looking good, boss.
Take your time, though.

Shh.

She comes with a lot of baggage.

Just gonna give you
a little hand here.

Hand off ass! Off ass!

There you go. You're there.

Congratulations.
I'm a hundred years old now.

[boat engine starting]

[Grace] Here we are. We're home.

That is your home?

Who are you people?

[Margaret] Why did you tell me
you were poor?

- [Andrew] I never said I was poor.
- But you never told me you were rich.

I'm not rich. My parents are rich.

OK, you know what?
That's something only rich people say.

[woman] Hey, Andrew! Welcome home!

Hi! Mom, what is this?

Nothing. It's just a little
welcoming party.

Is that a crime?

Just 50 of our closest
friends and neighbors.

And all excited to meet you.

- Oh, good. Good.
- Come on. Come on.

- A party?
- Yeah, I guess so.

Come on. Let's go. My grandma's
moving faster than you.

Put your back into it.

[♪ Michael Bublé:
I've Got You Under My Skin]

- [indistinct chatter]
- [laughter]

[woman] So nice to meet you,
Margaret. Welcome to Sitka.

Jill? Hi. Nice to meet you.
My pleasure.

Why didn't you tell me you were
some kind ofAlaskan Kennedy?

How could I?

We were in the middle of talking about
you for the last three years.

OK, know what? Timeout, OK?

This bickering Bickerson thing
has got to stop.

People need to think that we are
in love. So let's just...

That, that's no problem.
I can do that.

I can pretend to be the doting fiancé.
That's easy.

But for you, it's going to require

that you stop snacking on
children while they dream.

Very funny. When are you going
to tell them we're engaged?

I'll pick the right moment.

Hey, Andrew. Hi!

Mrs. McKittrick. How are you?
Nice to see you.

Nice to see you, Mr. McKittrick.
This is Margaret.

- Hi. Pleasure.
- Margaret!

Hi, how are you? Pleasure.

So I always wanted to know,
what does a book editor do?

[man] That's a great question, Louise.

I'm curious to know the answer myself.

- Hello, Dad.
- Son.

This must be Maggie.

Uh, Margaret.

- Joe. Pleasure to meet you.
- Pleasure's mine.

So why don't you tell us exactly
what a book editor does.

Besides taking writers out
to lunch and getting bombed.

[Louise] Now that sounds like fun.

No wonder you like being an editor.

No, Louise. Andrew's not an editor,
he's an editor's assistant.

Maggie here is the editor.

Margaret.

- So you're actually...
- Andrew's boss. Yeah.

Well. How about that.

[Louise] Huh.

I think I'll get a refill.

Charming.

That's a hell of
a first impression, Dad.

What the hell, Andrew?

You show up here after all this
time with this woman you hated

- and now she's your girlfriend?
- We just got here.

Can we wait two seconds

before we throw the
kitchen sink at each other?

Just never figured you for a guy
who slept his way to the middle.

Actually, I'll have you know
that that woman in there

is one of the most
respected editors in town.

She's your meal ticket,

and you brought her home
to meet your mother.

She's not my meal ticket, Dad.
She's my fiancée.

- What'd you say?
- You heard me.

I'm getting married.

- How are you?
- Good, good. Thank you.

Would you care for
some hors d'oeuvres?

No, I'm fine. Thank you very much.

It's a tradition.

It's the texture. I'm not a fish person.

- You'll like it.
- You're very sweet.

I think if you'll just taste it.

[muffled] Thank you so much.

[Andrew] Ladies and gentlemen...

I have a very important
announcement to make.

Margaret and I are getting married.

It's the paprika.

So sorry.

That's OK. It's wash-and-wear.

[Andrew] Yep. Honey? Where you at?

Here it is.

Come on down here, pumpkin.

- [Andrew] All right.
- OK.

Oh, look at her. Look at her.

[clapping]

Right there, ladies and
gentlemen. There she is.

[woman] Congratulations, Andrew.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- [woman] Time to celebrate.
- [woman #2] Get the champagne.

So that was your idea
of the perfect time

- to tell them we're engaged?
- Mmm.

'Cause it was brilliant.
Brilliant timing.

Andrew. Hi.

Gert? Oh, my God. Hey, hi. Wow.

How you doing? I didn't know
that you were gonna be here.

Your mom probably wanted it to
be a surprise. So... surprise.

- Right.
- And...

...we're being completely rude. Hi.

- [Andrew] Oh, God. This is my ex...
- Hi. I'm Gertrude.

- Oh! Oh, wow. Wow!
- You can call me Gert.

Well, congratulations, you guys.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

So did I miss the story?

- What story?
- What story?

About how you proposed.

Oh! How a man proposes says
a lot about his character.

- Yes.
- Yes, it does.

I actually would love
to hear the story, Andrew.

Would you tell us?

- [man] Yeah.
- [crowd murmurs] Yeah.

- [giggling]
- [Andrew] You know what?

Actually, Margaret loves
telling this story...

so I'm just gonna let her
go ahead and do that.

'Cause I think we
should just sit in rapture.

Huh! Wow, OK.

Wow, where to begin... this story.

Well... um, wow.

Mmm... yeah.

OK, well, um, Andrew and I...

Andrew and I were about to celebrate

- our first anniversary together.
- [all] Aw...

And I knew that he'd been
itching to ask me to marry him.

And he was scared.
Like a little tiny bird.

So I started leaving him
little hints here and there...

...because I knew he wouldn't
have the guts to ask, but...

That's not exactly how it happened.

- No? Hmm.
- No. No.

I mean, I picked up on
all her little hints.

This woman's about as subtle as a gun.

- [all laugh]
- [Andrew] Yeah.

What I was worried about was

that she might find this little box...

Oh! The decoupage box that he made

where he'd taken the time to cut out

tiny, little pictures of himself. Yes.

Just pasted all over the
box. Oh! So beautiful.

So I opened that beautiful,
little decoupage

and out fluttered these tiny,
little hand-cut heart confettis.

And once they cleared,
I looked down, and I saw...

...the most beautiful, big...

...fat nothing.

No ring.

- No ring?
- What?

No. But inside that box...

...underneath all that crap...

...there was a little
handwritten note...

with the address to
a hotel, date, and time.

Real Humphrey Bogart-type stuff.

[man] Yeah.

- Masculine.
- [grunts]

Anyway, naturally, Margaret thought...

I thought he was seeing someone else.

- [crowd murmurs]
- It was a terrible time for me,

but I went to that hotel anyway.

I went there and I pounded on the door,

but the door was already unlocked.

And as swung open that
door, there he was...

- Standing.
- Kneeling.

- Like a man.
- On a bed of rose petals,

in a tuxedo. Your son. Your son.

And he was choking back
soft, soft sobs.

And when he held back the tears
and finally caught his breath,

he said to me...

"Margaret, will you marry me?"

And she said, "Yep."
The end. Who's hungry?

[crowd cooing]

That is quite a story.

- [Gammy] Oh, Andy!
- Gorgeous.

You are so sensitive.

Hand-cut confetti? [laughs]

Hey! Let's see a kiss
from you two cuties.

[man] Give her a kiss!

- No. Come on.
- Oh, yeah.

- Come on!
- [all cheering]

OK, all right.

OK. Here we go. Ready?

What is this? Kiss her on
the mouth like you mean it.

- Kiss her. Kiss her!
- [all chanting] Kiss her!

Kiss her! Kiss her!
Kiss her! Kiss her!

OK!

- OK. All right.
- OK.

- Here we go.
- Mmm-hmm. OK.

- Oh!
- [chuckles]

Andy! Give her a real kiss!

- [chuckling] Gammy.
- A real one!

- [woman] Yeah.
- [woman #2] You can do it!

Why don't we just do it?
Let's just do it really fast.

- [both] Mmmm.
- [cheering]

- Mmm.
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

- [muffled] OK.
- Mmm.

Hmm.

I'm so happy for you two!

So happy! So happy!

[woman] Let's get the champagne!

So here we are.

This is your bedroom.

Wow. Wow, this is, um...
beautiful. And the view.

And here's the bed.

Wow! Exquisite bed. Exquisite.

So... where is Andrew's room?

Oh, sweetie, we're not
under any illusions

that you two don't
sleep in the same bed.

[laughing] He'll sleep
in here with you.

Oh, great, 'cause we love to snuggle.

- Don't we, honey.
- We're huge snugglers.

- [barking]
- Oh, my God. What is it?

- Calm down, Kevin.
- Whoa! You are cute.

Who is this?

- That's Kevin. I'm sorry, Margaret.
- So cute.

We just rescued him from the pound,

and he's still in training. Sorry.

Just be sure you don't
let him outside,

or the eagles will snatch him.

No, don't you listen to her.

She's just pulling
your leg, isn't she?

By the way, there are extra
towels and linens and things

in here if you need them.

[Gammy] And if you
get chilly tonight...

...use this.

It has special powers.

Oh, what kind of special powers?

I call it the Baby Maker.

OK, well. Then I guess we...

...gonna be super careful with that one.

- Yeah, I'm just gonna...
- Don't throw it on the bed.

We'd better turn in.
It's been quite an evening.

So good night, everybody.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night, Gammy.

- [chuckling] Good night.
- [Margaret] Good night.

- [Gammy] Good night.
- Good night, Gammy.

Thank you so much. Sweet dreams.

- Bye-bye, now.
- Bye.

[Margaret] So, uh... you haven't
been home in a while.

I haven't had a lot of vacation
time the last three years.

Stop complaining.

Um... Don't look, OK?

OK.

Are your eyes closed?

Completely.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.

Those are the pajamas you
decided to bring to Alaska.

Yes, because I was supposed
to be in a hotel alone.

- Remember?
- Can we just go to sleep?

- Fine.
- Great.

[exhales, clears throat]

Well. [clears throat]

Looks like I won't be
getting much sleep

with the sun streaming in.

Thank you.

[phone ringing]

[Margaret] Andrew. Phone.

Andrew!

Crap. Andrew, Andrew, phone.

Andrew!

Yeah... right.

- Andrew, where is it?
- Purse, side pocket.

- [thumping]
- [grunting]

Hello. Hello? Hello.

Frank! Frank, darling.

Darling, Frank.

Are you there? Hello? Hello? Oh, crap.

I have horrible service, Frank.
Give me just one minute.

Oh, my God! Margaret!

[whispering] One... one minute.
Frank, hold on just a second.

Frank, hold on. No, no, no, no.

[door shuts]

Frank. Frank, I'm sorry you feel

I pressured you into doing Oprah, but...

Of course I want you
to be happy. Yes, yes.

Frank. Frank. Frank, darling.
Frank? It's going to be fine.

I can just call them and I can cancel.

[panting]

[Margaret] You are...
you are so right, Frank.

Yes, Frank, of course
I'm listening to you.

Yeah... yes.

I love listening to you, Frank.

- [yapping]
- Shh! Sit. Sit.

No, not you, Frank.

- No, no.
- [barking]

Frank, if I may get down to it, OK...

I think it would be
a mistake to back out.

- Because, Frank, for so many years...
- [eagle screeching]

...you have inspired me with your
beautiful words, and I feel that...

Shh! Dog, I'm on the phone.

I think it's time that the world
get to enjoy your words as well.

They are just so rich

- with... passion...
- [dog barking]

And I think that we
should all be privy to.

- Frank, I just, uh...
- [screeching]

I just, uh, want you
to be happy, Frank.

Give me that dog!

Frank, hold on a second.
Can you hold a second?

Give me that dog!

Come on! Come on, come on, come on.

- Come on! Come on! Oh, oh...
- [squeaking]

Oh, oh! Oh, oh. OK! OK, gotcha.

Frank, Frank.

Frank? So sorry, so sorry.

So sorry. I dropped the phone.
Now, listen, Frank.

I don't want to sell you on anything,

but this is your legacy, this book.

And I think it's up to you to

present your legacy to the world.

And call me tomorrow with your decision.

And my phone is on
all the time! OK, bye-bye.

No! Wait!

No! No! N-n-n... no. No

Take the doggy. Look at the doggy.

I need that phone. Take the dog.

Take the dog. I need that phone!

Here. Take the dog.
Take the dog. Take it. Take it.

[Grace] Look at this.

[both laughing]

- Is that cute or what?
- I know.

Morning, guys. Have you seen... daah.

She's playing with Kevin.
We thought she didn't like him.

Will you go get her, Andy?

We have a whole day planned for her,

and she needs to get ready.

Yeah. Tell her we have
a big surprise for her.

Mmm.

Look! Give me my phone. Come on.
Please, just give me my phone.

- Come on. Right here.
- What the hell are you doing?

Oh, my God. Your grandmother
was completely right.

The eagle came
and tried to take the dog.

But then I saved him. Then it
came back, and it took my phone.

- Are you drunk?
- What? No! I'm serious.

He's got my phone, and Frank's
calling me on that phone.

Relax, all right?

We'll order another phone, same number.
We'll go into town tomorrow and get it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Oh, OK. All right. Well, you go then.
- [barking]

- You have to get ready.
- For what?

You're going out with Mom and the girls.

- I don't want to go out.
- Shopping, sightseeing. And a surprise.

- I hate shopping.
- You'll love it.

- I hate sightseeing.
- You're going.

- No, I don't want to go.
- You're going.

- I'm not going. I'm not going.
- Yes, you are.

Now give me a nice big hug.
We don't want them

- to think we're fighting.
- I don't want to touch you.

- Come on. Hug time.
- No, I don't want to...

- Hug time.
- I don't want to...

There we go.

Yeah, that's nice.

Yeah. That's nice.

There we go. Isn't that nice?

- Mmm-hmm.
- [Andrew] Mmm-hmm.

- [Margaret] Mmm. Yeah.
- [Andrew] Boop boop boop.

If you touch my ass one more time,

I will cut your balls
off in your sleep. OK?

- Yeah.
- There you go.

All righty now. So, uh...
We clear on that?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Such a good fiancé.

Hmm. Ow.

[splashing]

- [Joe] Jeez.
- You want to see me?

Your mom found these eco-balls.

They dissolve in water.

[grunts]

I don't know how she
comes up with this stuff.

Anyway, she, uh... is a little peeved.

Apparently, I wasn't the most
gracious of hosts last night.

It was a little bit of a shock

to find out that
you're getting married...

...especially when none of us
even knew you were dating.

The point is... I owe you an apology.

Accepted.

There's something else.

I've been going over my
retirement plans recently,

and it got me thinking.

I've done a lot of things in my life.

Practically built an empire with
your mother from the ground up.

It doesn't mean anything unless...

Unless you have someone to leave it to.

- We already discussed this.
- I'd like to discuss it again.

You have responsibilities here.

I think I've been
more than understanding

about your goofing off in New York.

I need you to quit playing around...

Here we go again.

When are you going to start
taking what I do seriously?

When you start acting seriously.

I'm sorry.

I feel sorry for you, Dad.

I wish you had another son. I really do.

One who wanted to stay here.

One who wanted to take over
the family business.

One who wanted to marry someone
that you approve of,

but it's not me. Now,
it must seem strange to you,

my life in New York... sitting
in an office, reading books.

But it makes me happy. You understand?

If that's what makes you happy,
son, I got nothing to say.

Well, that's a first.

You know what? Apology not
accepted. Have fun out here.

[sniffs]

[indistinct chatter]

[Grace] There is no way you
could leave her at home.

She had to be here. Absolutely.

She's been coming here forever.

I hope you are ready
for your big surprise...

...because this is one of
Sitka's greatest treasures.

- Right?
- Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

[♪ Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Relax]

[Grace] OK, this is the big surprise

I was telling you about. You ready?

[whistling]

[Gammy] Oh, Margaret,
you're gonna love it!

[women cheering]

[women screaming]

Ramone's the only
exotic dancer on the island.

[Gammy] But we're lucky to have him.

Work it, Ramone!

[woman shouting]

- Wow.
- Over here, Ramone! Over here.

[Gammy] Over here, honey.

Show her what
she's gonna be missing.

Come, my sexy princess.

- Yeah!
- [Margaret] Oh, no. Not necessary.

It's a really nice gesture,
but I really need to just...

[Gammy] Go on, Margaret. Get up there!

You come dance.

OK, pluck my eyes out. OK.

- All right. Here we go.
- [cheering]

[women] Go, Margaret! Go, Margaret!

- [laughing]
- Hey.

Hey... oh.

[Gammy] Give it to her, Ramone!

[cheering louder]

[Gert] Go on, Ramone! Give it to her!

[women screaming]

Ooh, that's a move I haven't seen.

- [Gammy] Look at her face!
- [all laughing]

[Ramone] Guess who.
For you. For you. For you.

- [Gert] Yeah!
- [Ramone] Enjoy!

I don't want to touch it.
No. OK, OK. Very sweet.

No, no, no, no, no.

Smack him!

- I'm sorry?
- Smack his ass.

Smack it. OK.

- Smack him, Margaret!
- [woman] Give it to him!

Yeah! Woo!

[Margaret] Can I get down now?

[giggling]

Free. Be free.

Hey! There you are.
How are you holding up?

Oh, fine. Fine. Just working on my tan.

Yeah, the Paxtons can be
a bit overwhelming at times.

Yes, yes.

It's a little different
than New York, huh?

Little bit. Little bit. You ever been?

No. That was always
Andrew's dream, not mine.

You guys were pretty serious, huh?

Well, I mean, we dated in high
school and all through college,

but we were kids.

And you guys called it off because of...

Well, um...

the night before we graduated
school, he proposed...

...and said he wanted to elope

and run away to New York with me.

And...

You said "no."

And I said "no," yeah.

I've never been anywhere
but here. This is home.

But anyway... you're a lucky girl.

He really is the best, which
you obviously already know.

Oh, yep. Yep, very much so, yeah.

Well, cheers to you guys.

Oh... Thank you.

[♪ MC Hammer: U Can't Touch This
playing inside]

[women shouting]

Looks like Ramone's
wrappin' it up. [laughs]

Go, Annie! [hoots]

I've never seen him so...

- No, he really got down.
- ...out there. I mean...

- [Gammy giggling]
- He was wonderful.

Oh, no.

[♪ Living Colour: Cult of
Personalitythrough headphones]

[Grace shouting] Andrew!

Andrew, honey, is everything OK?

What... What's he doing?

Something's up. It's best
to leave him alone.

Come on, honey.

[man on TV] ...Hunt's version
of that here tonight.

Hey, hey, hey. What are you
doing? I'm watching that.

Why is Andrew out there

hollowing out that old
stupid canoe again?

[Joe] Well, maybe he's
planning to escape. What?

I am so tired.

Think I'm gonna go
upstairs, take a shower,

wash off Ramone's coconut body oil.

Sure.

I had a great day today. Thank you.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything, I mean...

I just had a frank conversation
with him about his future.

[Grace] Oh... Well, yeah.
That's a good idea.

That's a good idea, Joe,

because he will never
come back home now.

He is my son. I only get
to see him every three years

because of you. Because of you.

- [barking]
- [Grace] I've had enough.

- You are gonna be supportive...
- Shh!

...of him marrying
Margaret, and that is that.

- Shh! Shh! Shh!
- [barking continues]

You know, ifwe're not careful,

we are gonna end up in
this great big house...

...just you and me alone...

...you and me and everything
that we're angry about,

and God forbid that they
should have a grandchild

that we never get to see.

You are going to fix this,
Joe. I mean it. Fix it now.

[clears throat]

[Margaret singing Relax]

[groans] Where's a towel?

[music playing through headphones]

Towel...

Towel, towel, towel... towel, towel.

This is all they have for a towel?

It's ridiculous. I can't get dry.

[music on headphones continues]

Hello.

Hello?

Oh!

- [barking]
- Oh! Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

No, no, no, no, no.

J-j-just... I'm sorry.

L-l-let me just,
let me just get a towel.

Let me just get a towel.

[moans] Just... look.

You need to just... I'm sorry.

OK, I'm sorry for
feeding you to the eagle.

- [barking]
- I'm sorry.

[barking continues]

Go away. Go away.

Go, go. Just let me get a towel.

Go, go, go... Hold on.

[hair dryer blowing]

Yeah. Huh?

- [whimpering, barking]
- How you like that? Huh?

Take it, take it. That's right.

That's what I'm talking
about. You like that?

Oh. You like it.

[music continues]

- Come here. Come to Mama.
- [barking]

That's right. Get on the carpet.

That's a good boy.

Yes! That's good, boy! Come on.

Come on!

- Oh, oh!
- [barking]

[both gasp]

- Oh, oh!
- What the...?

- Oh!
- Oh, my God!

- Why are you naked? My God!
- Oh, God. Why are you wet?

- Don't look at me.
- I don't understand.

- [Andrew] Why are you wet?
- Why are you naked?

Don't look at me.

Oh, God! You're showing everything.

Cover it up, for the love of God!

[gasping] Oh, God, not the Baby Maker.

Explain yourself please.

- Explain myself?
- Yes, explain yourself.

- I was outside.
- Oh, really?

- You didn't hear me?
- I was listening to...

What are you even doing home?

Then you just, jump me
out of nowhere? What's that?

I di... I didn't mean to jump you.

Your dog was attacking me, and I
had to run, and I ran into you.

What is it with you and this dog?

Just, you know, just... go.

- Go...
- Fine.

- Go take a shower. You stink.
- Fine.

- Nice tattoo, by the way.
- What?

[barking]

See? See? Exactly. You see that?

Oh... barely made it out
with my life there.

See the size of the teeth on that thing?

I didn't...

[groans]

[Margaret clears throat]

So... [exhales] So naked.

[clears throat]

Can we, uh, not talk about that, please?

Just sayin'.

So, uh, what's the deal
with you and your father?

Ooh, I'm sorry. That question
is not in the binder. [clicks]

Oh, really? Well, I thought
you were the one that said

we needed to learn all this...

Not about that, I didn't.

- But if the guy asks us...
- Not about that, Margaret.

Good night.

[sighs, clears throat]

- [Margaret] I like the Psychic Network.
- What?

Not in the "ha-ha, isn't that
funny, she likes that trash"

kind ofway. I actually quite enjoy it.

Umm...

I took disco lessons in the sixth grade.

My first concert was
Rob Base & D.J. E-Z Rock.

I think Brian Dennehy is sexy.

Don't like flowers in the house,

'cause they remind me of funerals.

Never played a video game.

I read Wuthering Heights
every Christmas.

It's my favorite book.

Haven't slept with a man
in over a year and a half.

And, uh... I went to
the bathroom and cried

after Bob called me a poisonous bitch.

And the, uh, bird tattoo?

They're swallows.

Got them when I was 16...
after my parents died.

Stupid. [clears throat]

I'm sure there's many many other things,

but that's all I can
come up with right now.

You, uh, there? [chuckles]

I'm here.

Just processing.

You really haven't slept
with anyone in 18 months?

Oh, my God. Out of all that,
that's all you got?

That's a long time.

Yeah, well, I've been a little busy.

Yeah...

Who's, uh...

- Rob Base and D.J...
- E-Z Rock?

- Yeah.
- You know.

[singing It Takes Two]

- No. They were good.
- Mm-mm.

[chuckles]

- What?
- Nothing.

I know who they are. I just
wanted to hear you sing it.

[Andrew laughing]

[sighs]

- Margaret?
- Yes?

Don't take this the wrong way.

[clears throat] 'K.

You are a very... very beautiful woman.

[laughing]

- Feel it deep, feel it low.
- Mmm-hmm.

God, I can't sing that high.

[both laughing]

[birds chirping]

Huh? Where am I?

What time is it?

- What time is it?
- [blinds sliding]

Ooh! Ooh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...

Oh, God.

[knocking]

[Grace] Room service.
Breakfast for the happy couple.

- [whispers] Andrew! Andrew!
- [groaning]

- Andr...
- [grunts]

Your mother's at the door. Get up!

- Get up here! Your mother's...
- Oh, God.

[Margaret shouts] Just a second!

- Not the baby blanket.
- OK, all right.

Not the baby blanket. Get it
off, get it off, get it off.

- OK, all right.
- Wait a second. Hold on.

- What? What?
- Are you wearing makeup?

What? No. Of course not.

- OK, what do we do? All right.
- Just spoon me, spoon me...

- Oh, my God! What is that?
- I'm sorry. It's morning.

What do you mean, "It's morning"?

[Grace] Are you OK?

Yep! Coming. One second. Yep.
Come on in. Everything's fine.

[whispers] Disgusting.

Ow, you're on my hair. OK, just...

[both panting]

- [Margaret] Oh, wow.
- [Andrew] Ooh, smells good.

Cinnamon rolls.

Oh, you shouldn't have
gone to that trouble.

Oh, you're family now. It's no trouble.

Hey, you have room for one more?

Wow. Could we not do the
Brady family meeting right now?

We just got up...

- Yeah.
- ...if you don't mind.

Your mother and I have
come up with a proposition

and I happen to think
it's a terrific idea...

We want you
to get married here tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

- What? What? What?
- Mmm-mmm. No.

Well, you're gonna get married anyway,

so why don't you get married here...

...where we can be all together,

and that way Grandma Annie
can be a part of it.

- Oh. Oh, we're...
- No.

No. No, it's Gammy's
big birthday tomorrow night.

Big day for her.

We don't want to ruin it.
That's you know...

I've had 89 birthday parties,
I don't need another one.

Oh, Gammy.

It would be a dream come true for me

to see my one grandchild's wedding.

- A dream come true!
- [Andrew] Mmmm.

- So you'll do it?
- [Andrew] Mmm-mmm.

Before I'm dead?

- OK. OK.
- OK.

OK, we will do everything.

And you can get married
like we did, in the barn.

It's a Paxton family tradition.

- Oh, wow!
- Yup.

Wow! Uh! I've always wanted to
get married in a... in a barn.

- I have.
- It's a sign.

A sign from the universe that
you're meant to be together.

Oh, we must give thanks, I tell you.

Come, come. We must give thanks.

OK, I know I should leave you alone now.

But we're just so excited!
I know you're excited, too.

- It's the craziest.
- Really excited.

- [Andrew] Yeah! Go. Go.
- [Margaret laughing]

Go.

Oh, my God.

When my mom finds out that
this whole thing is a sham

she's gonna... she's gonna be crushed,

and my grandmother's gonna die.

- Your mom's not going to find out.
- I... my father.

What the hell's with that?
The whole wedding thing?

Where did that come from?

She probably got him worked up into it.

It's fine. She's not gonna find out.

- They're not going to find out.
- Oh, God. Margaret!

Andrew, they're not gonna
find out, OK? Just relax.

It's gonna be OK.

It's not like we're
gonna be married forever.

We'll be happily divorced
before you know it.

It will be fine. It will be fine.

You OK?

Yeah.

- Get us some coffee.
- Yeah.

So, would you like a cinnamon soy latte?

- A-ha.
- [Margaret chuckles]

[Andrew] You're right, you know...

Get a quickie divorce, we'll be fine.

- Absolutely.
- It's gonna be fine.

Everything is going to be great.

But this little missus
better learn how to cook...

...so she can take care of her husband.

Keep my man happy.

I don't want him leaving
me for another woman.

- [both laugh]
- Come on...

...haven't left you yet, Margaret.

I got it. Let go.

- You all right?
- Yeah, um...

You know what? I'm gonna go.

Where?

I just kinda feel like going outside.

All right. That's the bathroom.

Oh, yeah. I know. I'm just, uh...

I'm gonna go to go to the bathroom,
and then I'm gonna go out, outside.

All right.

[exhales] All right.

OK, you just have to focus,
Margaret. Just focus.

This is a business deal.
This is just a business deal.

[clears throat] Everything's
gonna be just fine.

OK, this is a little
rough. I can do this.

Oh, my God. God, I hate nature!

I hate it.

Not stopping. Not stopping. Oh! Oh...

Why are you not stopping?

[growls] Stop, stop, stop it, stop!

[panting]

I just wanted... some air.

[drum beating]

- What is that?
- [flute begins to play]

What now? What is that? What is that?

- [drum and flute continue]
- What is that?

[woman chanting in foreign language]

- [chanting continues]
- [Margaret] What is that?

[chanting continues]

[woman] Come to me,
Margaret of New York.

It is I, Grandma Annie.

Oh!

[Gammy] I see you are a curious one.

Come. See how I give
thanks to Mother Earth.

You know, actually,
I'm not that curious.

- I'll just...
- Look around you.

Mother Earth has provided all this...

...just as she brought you and
Andrew together to be joined.

- Oh.
- We must give thanks

and ask that your loins
be abundantly fertile.

Come. Dance with me in celebration.

You know, can I, can I
just thank her from here?

I insist!

OK, OK, OK.

I will come down and dance with you.

Follow and learn.

[chants in foreign language]

Come on, Margaret! Feel the
rhythm of the drums. Now you.

- Me what?
- Chant.

Chant what?

[stammers] Whatever comes
to you. It is the way.

- But I don't know any chants.
- To the trees. Use your vowels.

- Eee. Ooo. Ooo. Eee.
- Ooo. Eee.

- Yes. Chant.
- Yes. Chant, chant.

- Eee. To the trees.
- Yes! Yes!

- [shouts] To the universe!
- The universe. Ah. Universe.

To the crazy.
To the window, the window.

To the wall, to the wall.

To the sweat drip down my balls.

- To all you bitches...
- Louder!

To the window, to the window.

To the walls, to the walls.

To the sweat drip down my balls.

Now all you bitches crawl.

♪ All skeet, skeet, mother

♪ All skeet, skeet, goddamn

♪ To the window, to the window

♪ To the wall, to the wall

♪ To the sweat drip down my balls

♪ To all you bitches crawl

♪ All skeet, skeet, mother

♪ All skeet, skeet goddamn

♪ To the window, to the window

♪ To the wall, to the wall

♪ To the sweat drip down my

♪ All you bitches go

[hooting]

Gammy! Let's take it
to the bridge! Woo!

♪ Let me see you get low
You scared, you scared

♪ Drop your ass to the flo'
You scared, you scared

♪ Let me see you get low
You scared, you scared

- ♪ Drop your ass to the floor
- You scared!

♪ You scared, you scared
See you get low

- ♪ You scared, you scared
- You scared.

♪ Your butt to the flo'
You scared, you scared

♪ Now stop, woo
Now wiggle it

♪ Now stop, woo
Jiggle it, just jiggle it

- Whatcha doing?
- ♪ Just wiggle it

Oh, uh.

Uh... You know,
your Gammy wanted me to...

...you know, chant.
Chant from the heart.

Balls? That's what came to your heart?

You know, it went with the beat.

Your phone arrived.

I'm gonna go into town
to pick it up. Wanna come?

Oh, yes, I want to go.
I want to go. Oh, hold on.

Is it, uh, OK if I go with him?

Whatever you do is what shall be.

But you're OK if I go?

- Fine. Go on.
- Bye, Gammy.

- You're a freak!
- Shut up.

- [Andrew laughing]
- Would you, please?

Ow!

[bell jingles]

Hey, buddy.

Andrew, hey!

- You got that phone I ordered?
- Yes, it came in. How are you?

- Great. You?
- [Ramone] Good.

Hola.

Hey, hi.

Remember this?
[sings Relax]

Yes, yes.

Wonderful. Wonderful. Yes.

- Remember that?
- Yes. Yes. I know.

Think you made quite
an impression on Ramone.

Mmm-hmm, I think the part
where I burst into tears

just really brought us together.

- Yeah. Oh, guess what.
- What?

Fun fact about Andrew number 1 1 :

- I like Pringles.
- Mm-hmm. OK.

They're delicious. All Hostess products.

Coke, never Pepsi, and beefjerky.

What, are you, like, 13?

- Mmm.
- Here we go.

It's all charged up, Andrew.

Thanks, buddy.

And I put your lady's number in, too.

- Thank you very mu...
- Milady.

- [squeaks]
- [chuckles]

Thank you, thank you very much.
Thank you.

Just... thank you.

[bell jingling]

Oh, my God. I have 37 messages.

Shit. I need a computer.

Is there, is there a computer
in this godforsaken town?

[bell jingling]

OK. So when it runs out,
it gives you a warning.

Just put in more dimes.

- Here you go.
- What?

- [Margaret] You're kidding. Dimes?
- [Gert] Come on, Kels.

- [Margaret] You're not kidding?
- [Andrew] I'll be outside.

- Yell if you need me.
- But what am I supposed...

[Andrew] You'll be fine.

[♪ Niall Toner Band:
Lonely Souls and Broken Hearts]

OK, I can figure this out.
I'm an intelligent woman.

Block 'em out, block 'em out,
block 'em out. There you go.

OK. [clears throat]

- Now.
- [modem beeping, dialing]

What is that? What is it?

[tone sounding]

[Margaret] Um, uh, excuse me? Excuse...

[sighs]

OK.

OK. [clears throat]

[exhales deeply]

[Margaret] So, it was nice
to see Gertrude, huh?

Yeah.

She looked really pretty today.

- Yeah, she did.
- Mmm-hmm.

Must be nice to see each other
again and just catch up.

It's definitely good to see her. It's...

...definitely, yeah.
It's been a long time.

Oh, there they are.
There they are. Margaret!

- [Gammy] Woo!
- [both laughing]

[Grace] We need Margaret.

Afraid we're going to have to
steal you away, young lady.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm just gonna keep...

No, not to worry.

No strippers, no chanting
in the woods. Promise.

- Oh, well...
- Yeah. Come on.

But not you. It's girl stuff.
You'd hate it.

- But...
- Come on.

Um, OK. Will I, uh...

...are these shoes OK
for what we're gonna do?

I can't believe this is happening.

My mother made this dress by hand.

In this very shop. In 1929.

It's funny how things
come back in style.

[Margaret] Just... just
finishing up the buttons.

Yeah, and don't worry about the fit

because Annie is the best
tailor in southeast Alaska.

Oh... Pssh.

Wow, incredible.

Maybe a tad loose in certain
areas, but otherwise...

Oh, sorry. I'm a bit
chesty to begin with

and I happened to be
knocked up when I wore this.

- Oh.
- [chuckling]

Oh, let's see ifwe can find your boobs.

- They're in there somewhere.
- Yes. Yes, they are.

This is like an Easter egg hunt.

Maybe they shrunk up
in the cold Alaskan air.

[all laughing]

- Oh! There they are.
- That... yes. That would be...

- [Gammy] There, let's see.
- I was thinking, if you'd like,

maybe we could head down your
way for the holidays this year.

Oh, that would, uh...
that would be nice.

That'd be nice. Or maybe
we could come to you, too.

- Well, that would be lovely.
- Mmm-hmm.

I would like that very much.

Oh, Grace, for God's sake.
We've got work to do.

- I know. I'm sorry.
- Go make yourself a cup of tea.

I'll finish this. Go.

Now, let's make this
absolute perfection.

[Gammy chuckling]

Now, just one special touch
and you're ready.

It's been in the family
for more than 150 years.

Annie, it's beautiful,
but I don't really think...

- Shh. I'm not finished.
- Oh, sorry.

My great-grandfather gave it
to my great-grandmother

when they got married.

They were quite a scandal, you know.

He was Russian and she
was Tlingit, and back then

you had to get approval
from every member of the tribe

before you got married.

Almost broke them up.

Well... how did they stay together then?

She was a lot like you. Tough.

Wouldn't take "no" for an answer.

She was good for him.

I want you to have it.

- I can't. Can't take this.
- I don't want to hear it.

Grandmothers love to give
their stuff to their grandchildren.

It makes us feel like we'll
still be part of your lives

even after we're gone.

Take it.

[clears throat]

Are... are you all right, dear?

[exhales deeply] I, uh...

Uh... Well, I, um...

I, uh... I just, uh, I just wanted to...

make sure there was enough time
to get all the sewing done.

[chuckles] Don't you worry about that.

- You're gonna be beautiful.
- OK.

- Now let's get you out of those pins.
- OK.

[footsteps approaching]

All right.

This is untied. Hop on in.

[grunting]

Hey, hey, hey. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Whoa! What...

Mind telling me what the hell's wrong?

I just needed to get
away from everybody.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing! Just stop talking, please!

Would you mind telling me
what's happening now?

Margaret.

- Margaret!
- I forgot, OK?

[Andrew] You forgot what?

I forgot what it was
like to have a family!

I've been on my own since I was 16

and I forgot what it felt
like to have people love you

and make you breakfast and say, "Hey!

We'd love to come down
for the holidays."

And I say, "Well, why don't we
come up and see you instead?"

And give you necklaces!
And you have all that here,

and you have Gertrude, and
I'm... I'm just screwing it up!

You're not screwing it up!
I agreed to this!

You were there, remember?

Your family loves you. Do you know that?

- I know that! Yes!
- You know that?

And you're still willing
to put them through this?

They're not gonna find out!

How do you know they won't find out?

Because you said so yourself.

- I know, but what if your mother...
- You said so yourself!

Oh, my God, if your mother found out...

Whoa! Whoa!

- Oh, my God! What if Gammy finds out?
- The boat is moving!

If Gammy finds out, she's
gonna have a heart attack!

Stop! It's gonna be fine!

- She's gonna have a heart attack!
- Will you calm down! Hold on!

[Andrew] Whoa, whoa. Whoa!

Whoa! I don't think
that hijacking a boat

is a proper way to
express your frustration!

Now... Oh, great.

Now you decide to shut up! Margaret?

- [Margaret] Andrew!
- Margaret?

- [gasping] Andrew!
- Margaret!

I can't swim!

Margaret!

[Andrew] To the buoy!

- What?
- To the buoy!

OK.

[gasping]

All right, come on! Give me your hand!

- Hey! Give me your hand!
- [gasping]

Margaret! Give me...

Come on, give me your hand!

Come on, come on. I got you. I got you.

I got you. [grunting]

- [Margaret gasping, shuddering]
- Come on.

[grunts] What the hell
were you thinking?

Could've gotten yourself killed.

You turned the boat and
made me fall in, you jackass.

You let go of the steering wheel, Ahab.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

All right, come here.
You've got to get warm. Come on.

Come on. It's OK. [panting]

That's OK.

It's OK.

I want to talk to both of you.

Your mother is never to
hear about any of this.

Told you I'd check up on you.

What did you do?

I got a phone call from
Mr. Gilbertson here,

who told me that if you were lying,

and he strongly believes that you are,

he would send you to prison.

So I flew him up here.

- Dad.
- Luckily for you,

your father negotiated
a deal on your behalf.

[Gilbertson] Now, this offer's
gonna last for 20 seconds,

so listen closely.

You're gonna make a statement

admitting this marriage is a sham...

...or you're gonna go to prison.

You tell the truth, you're off the hook,

and she is going to go back to Canada.

Ah, well. Take the deal.

- I don't think so.
- Don't be stupid, Andrew.

You want a statement?
Here's your statement.

I've been working for
Margaret Tate for three years.

Six months ago we started
dating, we fell in love.

I asked her to marry me, she said "yes."

I'll see you at the wedding.

Well, you know.

So...

...you sure about this?

Not really.

I mean, I am very appreciative
ofwhat you've done,

but I think that...

You'd do the same for me.

Right?

- [knocking]
- Hope everyone is decent.

You need to come with me.

[Gammy] Now, tomorrow
is your wedding day.

You have to give the
Baby Maker a rest tonight.

It's tradition.

- Give your bride a kiss good night.
- We're not gonna...

...use the Baby Maker.

[Gammy] You've got your whole
lives to be together.

- [Andrew] OK.
- Now, come on. Come on.

[sighs]

If I don't go with her,
she's just gonna...

- Come right back.
- Yeah.

See you in the morning?

Yeah.

[indistinct chatter from TV]

[crowd chattering]

Hey, Gammy.

- Thanks, Gammy.
- Oh.

[♪ Pachelbel: Canon in D plays]

[music ends]

[Ramone] Everyone, please be seated.

Ramone.

[speaks Spanish]

We are gathered here
today to give thanks...

...and to celebrate...

...one of life's greatest moments.

[Ramone] To give recognition

to the beauty, honesty,
and unselfish ways

ofAndrew and Margaret's true love

in front of family and friends.

For it is their family and friends

who taught Andrew and Margaret to love.

So it is only right that
family and friends are all...

Miamor. Do you have a question?

Uh, no...

Your hand is up.

Oh, it, it's, uh, not a question,

but I do have something I need to say.

- Margaret.
- Can it wait till after?

Uh... No. No.

[sighs]

- [clears throat] Hi there.
- [all murmur] Hi.

Thank you all so much for coming out.

[Margaret] I, uh... have
a bit of an announcement

to make about the wedding.

- A confession, actually.
- What are you doing?

Uh... I'm a Canadian. Yes, Canadian.

With an expired visa
who was about to be deported.

And because I didn't want to leave

this wonderful country of yours,

I forced Andrew here to marry me.

Margaret, stop it.

See, Andrew has always had
this extraordinary work ethic.

Something I think he learned from you.

And for three years I
watched him work harder

than anyone else at our company.

And I knew that if I threatened
to destroy his career...

...he would, he would do
just about anything.

So I blackmailed him to
come up here and to lie to you.

[Margaret] All of you.

And I thought it would
be easy to watch him do it.

[clears throat]

But it wasn't.

Turns out it's not easy
to ruin someone's life

once you find out
how wonderful they are.

[crowd murmurs]

You have a beautiful family.

[Margaret] Don't let this
come between you.

This was my fault.

Margaret...

Andrew, this was a business deal,

and you held up your end,
but now the deal is off.

I'm sorry.

And, you, meet me at the dock.

You're giving me a ride to the airport.

[crowd chattering]

[chuckles]

- What were you thinking?
- I don't, I don't know.

Andrew, you lied to us.

Let me get my head on straight, OK?

I'll explain everything later.

I'm sorry.

[Margaret] You were right.
This book is special.

I lied because I knew publishing meant

I'd lose you as an assistant

but... you have an extraordinary eye,

and I'll make sure we
buy this before I leave.

Have an amazing life.
You deserve it. Margaret.

Well, that was, uh... crazy.

[snorts]

You know, people are gonna be
talking about this forever.

Yeah. Yeah.

Are you OK?

Yeah. No. Uh...

I just feel... You know
what the problem is?

The problem is that this woman...

...is a gigantic pain in my ass.

First there's the whole leaving
thing. I understand that.

It's a sham wedding.
It's kind of stressful.

But then she goes ahead
and she leaves this note.

Because she doesn't have the decency...

the humanity to do it to my face.

Three years. Three years
I work with this... this terrorist.

Never once has she had
a nice thing to say,

and then she goes ahead
and she writes this crap!

- Andrew.
- But none of that matters

because we had a deal!

- Andrew.
- Sorry. I'm sorry. I just...

She just makes me a little crazy.

[Gert chuckles] Yeah. I can see that.

So you're just gonna let her go?

So, what now?

[Gilbertson] Well... now that
you're leaving voluntarily,

it all becomes very civilized.

Once we land in New York,
you have 24 hours

to head back to Canada.

- Andrew, what's happening?
- I got to talk to her.

- Why would you do that?
- Boys!

This has nothing to do with you.

Boys, stop it! Stop it!

[Joe] I'm not gonna let you do this.

[Andrew] I'm not asking
your permission here.

- [gasps]
- Annie! Joe! Joe!

Annie! Joe!

I think I'm having a heart attack.

- Easy. Easy.
- Somebody get a doctor!

- Easy, easy.
- [man] Get a doctor!

I got it.

Andrew.

You two need to stop fighting.

[Gammy] You'll never see eye to eye.

But you're family.

Promise me you'll stand by Andrew.

Even if... if you don't agree with him.

I promise.

Andrew.

Promise me you'll work harder
to be a part of this family.

I will.

[Andrew] I will, Gammy.

Well, then, the spirits can take me.

Oh, Annie.

Gammy?

I guess they're not ready for me.

I'm feeling much better, sonny.

[Gammy] No need to take us
to the hospital.

Take us to the airport, please.

Mom, what? Are you faking
the heart attack?

- Oh, come on!
- [laughing]

Well, it was the only
way I could get you two

to shut up and get us to the airport!

[man] Ma'am, we're not authorized
to take you to the airport.

Larry Ferris, don't
make me call your mother.

[Larry] You got it.

[sighs] You scared the hell out of me.

Yep. You should've
given up back in New York.

See, I'm like Eliot Ness.

I always get my man.

I'm that good.

Flight 1601 , as soon
as you're in position,

you're cleared for takeoff.

[man on radio] Roger that, Chuck.

OK. Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

- [phone ringing]
- [chuckles]

Tower. Talk to me.

- Chuck! It's Drew Paxton.
- Hey, dude.

Hey, uh... I have a little
favor I need from you, buddy...

Margaret's on that plane. I got
to talk to her. Can you stop it?

[Chuck] Oh, yeah!

I heard about your lady bailin'.

- Drag-ola. [laughs]
- [Andrew] Chuck! I need you

to stop the plane. Please.

I can't do that. [laughing]

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no! Come on!

Oh, no.

No!

- What's wrong?
- Margaret's on that plane.

- And he didn't get to tell her.
- Tell her what?

That he loves her.

So she could tell him
that she loves him, too.

OK, but how does he...

If she didn't love him,
she wouldn't have left.

Of course not.

Am I the only one not getting this?

- Oh, Joe!
- Chuck! Chuck! Look down.

Oh! Oh. Look down.

[Chuck]
Like... Oh, there you are!

Sorry, man. There was
nothing I could do.

Thanks, Chuck.

I'm sorry, son. I didn't
know how you felt about her.

[Grace] Honey, it's gonna be OK.

[phone ringing]

Jordan?

[clears throat]

Jordan.

Jordan!

I need for you to send
the boxes in my office to...

...to this address, please.

This one right here.
This address right here. OK?

- Can you do that?
- Uh, yes. Sure.

- Good, all right. Thank you.
- Miss Tate.

Yes. What? What?

[panting] Hey.

Andrew.

Why are, why are you panting?

Because I've been running.

- Really. From Alaska?
- I need to talk to you.

Yeah? Well, I don't have time to talk.

I need to catch a 5:45 to Toronto.

- Margaret.
- I need the boxes to go out today.

I want to make sure everything is...

Margaret! Stop talking!

[all gasp]

[Andrew] Gotta say something.

- [whispering] OK.
- This will just take a sec.

Fine. What?

Three days ago, I loathed you.

I used to dream about you
getting hit by a cab.

Or poisoned.

- Oh, that's nice.
- I told you to stop talking.

Then we had our little
adventure up in Alaska

and things started to change.

Things changed when we kissed.

And when you told me about your tattoo.

Even when you checked me
out when we were naked.

- [all murmuring]
- [woman] Uh-huuuh.

Naked?

Well, I didn't see anything...

[Andrew] Yeah, you did.

But I didn't realize any of
this until I was standing alone.

In a barn... wife-less.

Now, you can imagine my disappointment

when it suddenly dawned on me

that the woman I love is about
to be kicked out of the country.

So, Margaret.

Marry me.

Because I'd like to date you.

Trust me. You don't really
want to be with me.

Yes, I do.

See, the thing is, there is a reason why

I've been alone all this time.

I'm comfortable that way.

And I think it would
just be a lot easier

ifwe forgot everything
that happened and I just left.

You're right.

That would be easier.

- I'm scared.
- Me, too.

[crowd murmurs]

Aren't you supposed to get down
on your knee or something?

I'm gonna take that as a "yes."

Oh, OK.

[crowd chattering]

[man] Yeah! Show her
who's boss, Andrew!

[laughter]

[clapping]

[Gilbertson] So, let me see
if I've got this right.

You two are engaged again.

- [Andrew] Yes.
- [Margaret] Yes.

For real?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

You're sure you want to
go through with this?

Because one wrong answer...

I'm gonna take you down.

- OK.
- OK.

Let's do it.

[Gilbertson] When did you
first start to date?

Last week.

- [Gilbertson] That going well?
- So far it's great. Thank you.

[Gilbertson] What kind of
deodorant does Andrew use?

Men's Speed Stick?

[Gilbertson] What flavor? Musk? Alpine?

Was it love at first sight?

[inhales] No.

I loved her from the beginning.

[Gilbertson] What side of the
bed does Margaret sleep on?

She sleeps on the left.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?

Look, are they soul mates? Eeeh.

Uh... Will they kill each other? No.

[Gilbertson] Are you a good driver?

Oh, excellent driver. Excellent.

[makes crashing,
screaming, siren sounds]

Oh.

In my mind I see her
with someone perhaps...

...more swarthy, darker.

We don't use the word
"Margaret" around Kevin.

He still hasn't warmed up to her.

- Margaret.
- [barks]

See? It's the damnedest thing.

I have never farted in front of him.

Nor will I ever fart in front of him.

She farts in her sleep.

[Gilbertson] Would you consider
Margaret a good dancer?

You can tell by the way
she drinks her soda pop

that she's a good dancer.

[Gilbertson] Uh-huh. How, how...

How is the soda pop
relevant to the dancing?

I don't understand this.

- I call him... puppy.
- Pumpkin.

- Monkey.
- Daisy.

- Kiddo.
- Uh... Bird.

Sometimes I call him Rick.

[Gilbertson] How do you spell "Ramone?"

[thickly accented] R-A-M-O-N-E.

[Gilbertson] Could you do that
again in English, please?

When you say, you know, the
position in the relationship...

[Gilbertson] Top or bottom?

You're asking me a question
about who's on top?

[Gilbertson] You took an oath
when you walked in this office.

I did not take an oath.
When did I take an oath?

[Gilbertson] Laura should've
done that, but she didn't.

- That's OK.
- Who's Laura?

She's the girl behind you.
Don't look around.

[Gilbertson] Which of
the following numbers

- is not a prime?
- Seventeen.

I'm sorry. Let me say the list, please.

I'm sorry?

[Gilbertson] He knew
your favorite color.

- Blue?
- [Gilbertson] Wrong!

- Red?
- No!

Dark... Maybe like a hunter green?

[Gilbertson] No. White.

- White?
- OK, moving on.

Favorite color is blue.

What's her favorite color
when she's not at home?

I don't know.

[Gilbertson] Are you a citizen
of this country, Ramone?

Yes, I'm a citizen!
[guffawing] Are you crazy?

[laughs]

What relevance a ball in a net

or a Fruit Roll-Up or a Pop-Tart

has to do with my
relationship with Andrew?

[Gilbertson] If you're
getting excited...

- Who are you engaged to?
- [sighs]

- Andrew.
- Very good. Got one right.

[Gilbertson] Who are you engaged to?

I'm engaged to Margaret Tate.

And on the wedding day,
who will be next to you?

I'm going to marry Margaret Tate.

- [Gilbertson] Final answer?
- That work? Yeah, final answer.

Is this a game show?
I don't understand what...

[sings God BlessAmerica]

That's a great song.

[Gilbertson] That was beautiful.
That was really beautiful.

Mama Cass.