All language subtitles for The.Deep.End.2022.S01E03.1080p.WEB.h264-OPUS

I cannot stress how
powerful this process is.

You will be making changes
based off of what you see.

Let's say that
you've got a parent

who really ruined your life.

And that's something
that you need to see,

the dynamic with this
horribly abusive person.

A family display is
sometimes the hardest,

'cause you have to see
the reality of what was

actually happening in the home.

I need you to trust
that I've got you.

All right, so what we're
gonna do to begin with is,

we are going to bring your
child self into the room.

- Okay.

Along with your
parents at that time.

- Okay.

- Yes.

- I do.

- Yes.

What kind of game is that?

Take the castle.

Just five minutes without
you pestering her.

No, no, no. You're
grounded two minutes.

Watch is over.

Wow.

I remember being
mean to my brother,

but then I heard Sylvia saying
that you suspected some abuse

from my brother
towards me as a kid.

And then...

- Oh, wow. Okay.

There's a lot you've had
to hold on to until now.

What you're learning
is how to find it

and how to recognize it.

- Those are all things
that we can look at.

We got you something.

So remember how you were saying

you wanted to do something?

Looks good, huh?

- Thank you.

I really like being around him.

It feels like coming home.

It's not where I need to
fight for that feeling.

I think that's the best,
finding that belonging.

'Cause I didn't
get that attention,

because my parents
were also, like...

- My goodness. Look at
the smile on your face.

- Hello. It's good to
see you. MOLLY: Hello.

How are you?

I have been spewing things
from the periphery...

Yeah.

Talking to the people
who are not part

of the inner core.

But in order to complete
my... My full analysis

I have to understand the
core a little better.

So you got married?

- I did.

Lucky man.

Hi, Juliana. Oh, my God.
- Hi.

- She's gorgeous. Hi.

- Nice to meet you.

So you're very brave,
Juliana, to walk into this.

When did you come over?

- End of July.

Three months before
we got married.

- Okay. In the inner core

does anyone else
have a relationship

outside of that group
that is this intimate?

- Not... not really.

Not really.
- No.

Is that discouraged?

- No.

Any plans of having youngins?

- I don't know.
I'm not really...

I feel like I've even done
that with Winter, so...

I'm looking at her.

- I know. I see that.

- Yeah.

- Well, I'm not really
thinking about that right now.

Right. Okay. Just checking.

- But it's definitely
a wish. Cool.

You guys should talk
about that sometime.

- Yeah.

Expecting the worst.

Oh, I do.

I'm just... that's, like,
all I've been doing.

So this is... this is
Teal's birthday, huh?

We're all each other's
family in this community.

In childhood, most of
us we didn't fit in.

For my parents, it was,
"This kid is not like me.

"This kid is not what I wanted.
This kid is too different.

"I don't what to
do with this kid.

"This kid is mentally ill.

There's a problem
with this child."

They did not see me at all.

Not even when I
was being abused.

Beautiful summer day.

What have you got
for the horses, Teal?

My parents are in a
whole other reality

about what happened
with my abuser.

You know, I'm telling
them such horrific details

that they can't...
They can't go there

and see themselves as
good parents anymore.

That's why I think why
it's been so much easier

to forgive him than my parents.

And I watch this happen a lot.

Sometimes you have
to accept the fact

that my own family is my enemy.

And a lot of people have
a hard time with that.

So these are the
only pictures I have

of me from being a kid.

What's so interesting is
that you can look so normal,

but underneath there
was so much going on.

When I started this
whole thing with Teal,

I feel like my child had
just started to come up.

I am bringing you
into my safe place.

I don't really feel like I
can have walls in a bath.

So it gives the opportunity
to really get deep in there.

The first time

I actually got raped I was four.

I was telling my
mom I was hungry,

and she was preparing
for a party.

I don't know whose party,
but there was a cake.

And I grabbed the cake, and
she got really mad at me.

And she said, "I'm
gonna tell your father."

And so my dad came
in, grabbed me,

and raping me was his
form of punishment.

My mom actually walked
in the first time.

I was screaming my head off.

She walked in and walked out.

Yeah.

I think the worst
memory I have is..

These family gathering parties.

And they actually built...
It was like a barbecue pit.

They lit it on fire,

and then they put the
kids on top of it.

So they would put
every kid on top of it.

That's I think one of the
worst memories I have.

- It's a form of punishment.

I don't know. It's more so...

Here's the thing.

I did start uncovering
some of this stuff

when I was with Teal,

but I had stuff I
didn't need to uncover.

Combo is a shamanic medicine.

Technically it's frog poison.

My parents think I've gone nuts.

We live in two different worlds.

And so they don't think Teal's
a great influence for me.

There was a moment where
my mom came to Utah

and called the cops.

She said, "My daughter,
I haven't heard from her.

She's being abused."

Eventually, I actually
confronted my mom

on the abuse.

And she denied everything.

And so I was like, "I
can't... I can't do this."

That was the last
time I saw her.

It... it literally feels
like I'm paralyzed.

Let go. Let go.

Graci's family blames me

for why they aren't
around Graci,

thinks I've ruined their family.

Blake's family thinks
the same thing.

And I'm probably gonna
have the same experience

with Juliana.

I cannot own the conditions,
painful conditions

that created a daughter who
doesn't want to be around them.

She left. Why did she leave?

It can't have anything
to do with us, right?

So of course, they're
gonna come up with a story

that saves their self-esteem,

which is that she's been
seduced into a cult.

I have these various checklists

that I'm using to
try to figure out

the whole accusation
of cult behavior.

There's two sets of
ethics in a cult,

one for the leadership
and one for the followers.

- I feel like the inner
circle is very cultish.

I feel like the outer
circle is very self-help.

- Right. JARED:
Because I wanted

to be healed so much, I
let myself be had by her.

I mean, this tattoo is one
that she recommended I get,

because I was lying to her.

She said, like, she
could read my thoughts,

and I was lying to her.

- Wow.

That's when I began to question

my childhood, my family.

You know, I thought my
grandparents sexually

abused me and my parents. I
thought I... 'cause you'd go

and just create
all these stories.

And then you'd, like,
start to, like, freak out.

Like, if that really
happened, if this is my mind

showing me this, and all
of these things, like,

just started getting
worse and worse.

Teal made me question, like,

all of my childhood experiences

and everything that
I had gone through

and just, you know, made me,
like, cut ties with family

and think this and accuse
my dad of sexual abuse,

like, awful stuff.

I told my ex-wife that
I wasn't gonna pay

child support.

And she thought it's 'cause
I didn't have the money.

But I was literally
not paying that money,

because I was giving
it all to Teal.

She's mentioned and
said this so many times

when I was living there.
"We have to be willing to do

"whatever it takes
for this cause.

This cause is more important
than our own lives."

- Ugh.

When you have the
mindset of this

is someone who's got the most
important work in the world,

who's been through the
most terrible torture

in all of humanity, when
you have that mindset,

anything she does
is, like, outweighed.

Like, it's either, like,
her mission's too important

or her pain's too great.

Anything else is,
like, off the limit.

Like you can... she can
do whatever she wants.

We watched the thingy

with Oprah and Prince
Harry and Meghan.

Oh, yeah?

- And Meghan did not feel
prepared for the royal family.

Nobody told her anything.

To prevent a crash, we
wanted to go through

all the things which
we signed up for

and then see where
it is compatible

and where it's not compatible.

For example, what do
you feel is yours,

and what do you feel is
not aligning with you

or your needs?

I feel like whenever
we are on a workshop,

I feel like I'm...

I'm, like, in the right place.

And it doesn't
cost me any energy.

- So the workshop, for example,
we've been working 14 hours,

and then somebody has a crisis.

It's okay for you to work

another six hours
with that person.

- I did not have any
problem with that.

Right. So that we
basically 24/7 available.

Yeah. JULIANA: Yeah.

Same.

But how does it look
at home so to say

when we're not on the tour?

There's no leisure travel.

Like, you and Blake
cannot travel to Germany

without being related
to the company.

There's no leisure travel.

Teal and me...
- I would like to find a way

where I can see my family
and friends in Germany.

Like, it's a need of mine
to have still a relationship

with my parents and my
family and my friends.

I... I just... I feel like
what's not being talked about

is the fact that this
is not... a normal life

is not compatible with the
life that we are leading.

That's where there's a
disparity between us.

The reality of our life is
different than you think it is.

- So I got to a point
where I had to completely

cut contact with my parents.

It was really
hard, but I did it.

And then I would get all
these thoughts of like,

"This is wrong. I
shouldn't be doing this.

I should make this work."

- And what's the
resistance about?

A part of me still, like,
wants the connection.

Here's little me,
like, all alone.

And, like, how am I gonna...
How am I gonna make it?

So I want you to close your eyes

- Oh, God. Okay.

Do you hear these footsteps

that are walking towards you?

Yes.

This is somebody who's coming
to spend time with you.

You're not in this
by yourself anymore.

I want you to feel us like
we're in there with you.

It's not like we're on
the surface of things

just watching you there.
We're in that chaos.

- It's very peaceful here.

Yeah.

That's more of what
you really need.

You've been gaslit
your whole life.

What you feel is accurate.

There's nothing wrong with this.

This is what you're needing.

- Hey.

She likes to try
to eat the words.

Okay, that's it. I'm sorry.
I just want to kiss you.

What is in the way
of me taking action?

One of the main reasons that
people don't take action

is because they're terrified
of making a change.

Back in 2015 I was
searching for help.

Just super depressed,
out of reality.

I had a therapist before
when I was younger,

didn't work, and I found Teal.

I was doing that kind off.

Your life will be...

I went to a retreat,

and Teal told me that my
parents don't love me.

Um... and that was huge.

And... and that was
hard for me to grasp,

because I was like, "I
don't agree with you.

I feel like my
parents do love me."

But Teal's psychic,
so she knows.

Shortly after, I did move
out of my parents' house.

That was kind of the
last thing to fall for me

in terms of support that I had.

So I fell into a depression,
and then I attempted suicide.

I'm in a tough spot.

I'm in a tough spot.

I need to feel better,
not in an abstract way.

Gently turning your
attention inward

focus inside yourself.

Now think of an image

that perfectly
represents what you want.

I can't have this

hope like it's gonna get better

in the future or
something like that.

With each breath your legs
now expand and contract.

This whole thing is a
leap of faith for me.

But honestly, life
is fucking painful.

So you really don't
have... that's the thing.

I think Teal says
this. She's like,

"You know how much pain
somebody has to be in

to finally come to me?"
That's the fucking truth, man.

You have nothing else to lose.

Hi, everyone.

Hi.

You guys look panicked.

I'm not gonna bite. I promise.

So how are we doing this
morning besides afraid?

Okay, before they start, the
first thing I'm gonna tell you

is, I hold a very high
standard for my team members,

like, very, very high,
like, a lot of people

can't hack at level high.

So you can trust them.

Okay, are we ready for
our first exercise?

Yes.

To... you have
resistance to me now?

For what?

I'm sure you already know that
I attempted suicide in January.

I don't know if you know that,
and I can't do this anymore.

Like, I've never been... like,
the last six years... yeah.

Look, I know it sucks,
but here's the thing.

It's my intention that
you feel better, right?

I want you to feel better.

I want you to walk out
this door feeling better.

But the reality is, is
that most adults today,

yourself included, are living
in an inauthentic life.

Things fall apart because
they were not true to you.

Is my life better now?
I don't feel that it is.

- That's the thing. SABRINA:
But I want to ask you.

- That's the thing. Yeah.

It is better? Actually, yes.

- That's bullshit.

I didn't see her.

She said literally,
"If I'm going home

and I don't feel better,
I want to kill myself."

Like, she said that.

- Fuck.

I don't understand how to
work with a person like that

without the worst-case
scenario happening.

Like, she decides to
commit suicide after

she gets back in New
York. And they're like,

"Oh, last week she was
at a Teal Swan workshop,"

and it's all over the news,

which is where
they're taking me.

Yeah.
- So at the moment it's kind of

almost blackmailing victim
control drama, right?

Yes. MAN: For sure.

- You choose. Do you help her
or help them or your career?

Exactly.

My problem is, I want
to work with them.

Not like, "Oh, just don't...
The second someone says

they're suicidal, go
the other fucking way,"

which is what I feel like
the message is right now.

I refuse to do that.

I need you to find a
way that I can do this.

I just can talk for myself.

I don't know of how you
guys feel about that,

but she is in a
lot of resistance

and in a lot of pain.

And basically, like, it
scares her right now,

because there's no plan B.

So she doesn't feel
safe and secure...

Which makes it

more difficult.

I get all that, but we're...

We're also dropping a ball here.

Teal needs everyone together

and on the same page right now.

We are dancing around
this every time you come.

I want you to start
talking about why

you don't wanna be here.

- Oh.

I don't know. I guess I just
can't appreciate things.

My mom used to tell
me that. She said,

"Nothing ever satisfies
you," she used to tell me.

- I don't want to
align with your mother.

Your mother's not
right. What it is,

is that in your childhood
nothing was safe to take in.

We're working with a split
within you that has to do

with childhood trauma
and your worth issues.

Do you understand
how frustrating it is

for a child to be
treated like shit

but to literally have
there been nothing?

- Yes. I know.

Why aren't you letting
yourself get mad about that?

I'm not allowed to get mad.

I just told you you were.
- No.

I'm trying to know
what's real about you.

- No. No, bitch. We're
not going through my pain.

I'm not going through my pain.

You're a confusing person.

'Cause you come to
these workshops,

and then you play
this game with me.

What is it gonna take
you to stop fighting?

I want you to start talking
about why you don't want

to be doing this. I want to...

- Because it's... I don't think
it's gonna get better for one.

All right.
- Two, it hurts.

Like, physically I'm hurting,
and it fucking sucks.

And I come here to keep
learning and learning

and learning and learning and
going through this fucking

carousel over and
over and over again.

My life's retreats.

And in between we're in agony

and talking about
the next retreat.

Holy fuck.

I'm not signing up for
a life of this shit.

Like, I'm not doing this
shit. I'm not signing up.

I'm not doing that.
I'm not doing this.

What the fuck is
going on with this?

What has to happen for
the people to realize

I have the information
that's gonna make it

so that your life changes?

Because of this last week,

I don't know what the answer is.

And it's like people, they
don't actually fucking see.

They don't see the truth.

I can tell you
what your issue is.

Like, they need to know that.

- There are two things we
wanted to do in general.

It's, like, okay
what do we do...

People like fucking hate...

I need you to realize this.

Like, people, like,
fucking hate me.

Why do you feel you have haters?

- I have haters because
I wear high heels.

I have haters because I
charge $5,000 for people

to come to a private event

when they think I
should do it for free.

I have haters because I'm a
female with a fucking opinion,

and I have power and a
vagina at the same time.

Just feels like my
childhood all over again.

It's, like, I don't
know what's happening.

This is good. See we're
still in the dark.

- "Oh, my God. My daughter
never had an issue with suicide

until she talked to Teal Swan."

Oh, yeah? Read her
fucking journal.

I'm so tired of
families who are like,

"I don't know what happened."

I'm like, "You
fuckin' happened."

Of course your daughter
killed herself.

Jesus fucking Christ.

If people don't start
doing this kind of work

on themselves they're headed off

a fucking cliff.

Doing that... what do you do?
- Then they're gonna die.

That's the thing.

Oh, fuck yeah.

That's bullshit.
That's bullshit.

You literally just
crossed the line.

Now we have problems.

MAN As outsiders, we see the
damage that's being done,

but people on the inside are
conditioned not to see it.

Every month I would have these
massive depressive episodes.

I'd never had that
before or since really.

I've definitely... you know,

I still... I still struggle
with depression and stuff.

But it was never
as bad as it was

when I was doing shadow work

and when I was listening
to what Teal had to say

and taking it and
applying it in my life

That inner conflict put
me in a position I think

where I was at risk ultimately
of committing suicide myself,

That I had to just... I had
to get away from it all.

From what I have
learned from the people

who have left the organization,

we appear to be running
into some big red flags.

And I've got to pull myself
back together, try to refocus,

and try to find the
truth in this mess.

It's a mess.

And then I was given a
document that I was shocked

that they shared with me,

which is called the
Non-Negotiables.

And this is a list of the things

that people have to agree to

if they're going to be
part of this inner circle.

And it does not read well.

Blake.

Hey, thanks for calling.
Do you got a minute?

I wanted to follow up with you.

Good. I'm not sure
if you're aware,

but... but Mattias
shared with me

the document called the
Non-Negotiables, and...

Can you answer some
questions about that?

Okay.

Well, it's, "You can't put
your own family first," the...

"Teal has to come first.

"If she wants you
there, she gets you.

"The priority of
the entire community

"is whatever's in the
best interests of Teal.

"Everything else
is second to that.

"You can't have
personal boundaries

that have in any way
an effect on Teal."

So here's... here's
how this one's written.

"You will now be in
the world of fame.

"This makes relationships
very, very complicated

"and often painful. Your
associations are in fact

"your potential
biggest liability.

"Anyone you introduce the
community could turn on Teal,

"blackmail her, rip
the community apart,

"put extra pressure on Teal

"or other members
of the community.

"When fame and
money is involved,

"people simply
cannot be trusted.

"Your life is not going to
even remotely resemble normal.

Uh-huh.

- "If you want to
have a normal life,

do not choose to be part
of the inner circle."

And it goes on.

Mm-hmm.

Did you ever have any
issues or feelings

about the Non-Negotiables?

- That most of it is illegal.

That was my first reaction.

Part of my job here is
to try to figure out

if this is a cult or not.

And then I get this document,
and it's... I have a checklist

that I'm going through saying,
"Yep, cult, cult, cult."

I mean, it's all on
the list of things

that I'm having to use
to define what a cult is.

And I know this doesn't
apply to the outer circles

of participants,

but there's enough
people on this list

that this is
supposed to apply to

that it's... it's put me in
an uncomfortable position.

- And do you think...
do you honestly, Blake,

feel that it would be
comfortable to say,

"I'm not in
alignment with this"?

Because to say that would be
to be kicked out, wouldn't it?

- Right.

Before I came here, I
perceived Teal as caring.

She was, like, committed
to finding out the truth

and wanted to do
the right thing.

So and I'm like... I'm... yeah,

I gave up a whole life
over there in Germany.

It's not that I'm
like, "Oh, yeah."

You know, when I'm
committing, I'm committing.

And my experience
was a little bit like

falling into a hole,
like, after that.

It's like, "Oh, wow. It's not
what I thought it would be."

She's not in a space anymore

where she's just a
spiritual teacher.

There's definitely
another level to it.

I don't know how
long I can take it.

- Okay. So I'm gonna put
something to you first.

Some of you guys in this group,

you're fighting against
whatever is in front of you.

And unless we deal with
that, you're fucked.

So with that in mind,
we're going to be doing

something called water breath.

It is a terrifying feeling.

It is like a hair raising on
the back of your neck feeling,

but I also cannot stress
how powerful this is.

You're using your body to
hack in the subconscious mind,

and down there it's
not gonna be fun.

I know firsthand that this
is incredibly painful.

But this is a purge.

Self-awareness does
not come naturally

to those who avoid pain.

Imagine your breath
embracing the emotion.

This is what I want for you.

I'm concerned about
her followers,

because these are
fragile people.

- You feel like an
adversary to me,

and I need that to change.

- I'm afraid actually.

I am posting in the Teal Tribe.

Everything is happening.

- This is like a nightmare.

It feels like the
person closest to you

just completely
fucked your life.

He's the one that
taught me how to trust.

He just ruined it all.