All language subtitles for American Housewife (2016) - S04E04 - Lasagna (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 MONOLITH)_track3_eng

Happy holidays from the York family.

More like the Dork family.

What is it about Christmas that makes
people want to wear matching outfits?

The Yorks dress alike for every holiday.
Last St Patrick's day they were all leprechauns.

Cute on the baby,
disturbing on everyone else.

Speaking of disturbing,
Josh can't come home with me for Christmas.

His family is dragging him to Aruba
to stay in some 5 star resort on the beach.

Poor thing. He'll be pining for me all week.

Well, time for another joyous,
uplifting Hannuka with my family.

Uh, I almost forgot my Andassium.

You know, I've never been to a Hannukah celebration.
What does your family do?

We light candles, spin the Dreidel
then 12 people attack a helpless brisket.

Better take the amonium ??? thing.

I'm off to my parents. Unless I'm abducted
by aliens on the way, God willing.

So, Roxie, what's your family doing for Christmas?

The usual, we put up an aluminium tree,
get take out from Taco Bell

and then I watch my dad and step mum
exchange cartons of Western Lights.

Your family exchanges cigarettes?

Hey, it's just not Christmas
without a visit from jolly old St Nicotine.

I guess I should feel thankful.
Next to these guys, Christmas
with my family seems so normal.

I wish mine did.

Just once I'd like to have
the perfect white Christmas in the country,

ski sleiding, Vermont, sleigh rides,
roast goose, cutting down your own tree…

Throw in some homemade pfeffernusse
and you've just described Christmas with my family.

Wow, nothing says Christmas like goose and pfeffernusse!

Hey, why don't you come with me?
It'll be so great to have a friend along.

I'd love to, but I can't.

I always spend Christmas with my aunts
and this year is our turn to

host a huge celebration for all our relatives.

Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun too.

Fun, insane, it's such a fine line in my house.

Well, if you change your mind about Vermont,
you're always welcome.

Merry Christmas, Sabrina!

We can't wait to see you at your house!
Love, uncle Olaf and aunt Danny.

You in for a sneak preview on my blubbermold?

Oh, no thanks, I want to have
something to look forward to!

Ew, blubber!

Taste this!

Mmm… Eggy and nutmeggy
with a slight aftertaste of wart?

It's legnogg. The secret is to use fresh egg legs, never frozen.

No, the secret is to ask what's on
the spoon before I put it in my mouth.

I think I've finally got our sleeping arrangements
while our guests are here.

Hilda, you'll be bunking with me,
and Salem, you're sleeping under
the stairs with cousing Ira.

Anybody but that creepy little elf!

What do you have against Ira?

A: he stabs me with his pointy ears

and B: he likes to watch me while I clean myself.

Ew!

Sabrina, you'll be doubling up
with the sugar plum fairy.

Just what I need, a twinkle toes and a sugar rush who grinds her teeth all night.

Hey now, this it no time to be a gloomy gus!
Holidays are upon us!

We're going to have a wonderful Christmas!

Yeah, a wonderful Christmas…

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, hey!

Morgan look, baby deer!
They're so cute!

This is what I call the perfect Christmas.

And this is what I call the perfect Christmas present.

- Hello, ladies!
- Apparently Santa got my list!

We'll see you on the slopes tomorrow

right after we have our perfect Christmas dinner
with roasted goose, cranberry stuffing and eggnogg.

Wouhou! I love eggnogg!

It's legnogg!

Try it again, I added a supçon of web's feet.

Aunt Zelda, aunt Hilda, would you mind
if I wasn't here for Christmas this year?

Dibs on bunking with the fairy!

Sabrina, what are you talking about?

Morgan's family has invited me to go skiing with them

and as much as I'd miss you guys,
I'd really like to go.

Well, Sabrina, if you want to be with Morgan's
family at Christmas, we'll understand.

- We will?
- Sabrina shouldn't be here only
because she feels obligated.

She shouldn't? That's why we're here.

Thanks, aunt Zelda, I knew you'd understand.

I gotta go call Morgan.

I can't believe Sabrina doesn't want to be
with her family at Christmas!

Well, she's in college now, meeting new friends.

she doesn't want to be with her boring old aunties
when she could be off swooshing down the slopes.

I'd say our little Sabrini has forgotten
the true meaning of Christmas.

Which reminds me, this year I'd like sturgeon and ???.

Welcome to a cabin on Christmas!
We're here!

Wow, it's even more perfect than I'd pictured!

You wouldn't by any chance
have cute baby deer lying around, would you?

Hi!

Even better!

- I'm Morgan's brother, Chip.
- This is Sabrina

…and my mom and dad! Hi!

Wow, it's great to meet you!

I hope you don't mind me tagging along with Morgan.
She made your Christmas sound so perfect.

Well, it will be now that you're joining us.
How about a cup of mulled cider to warm you up?

Thanks! You don't by any chance have one
of those little cinnamon thingies to stir with?

What do you think?

Sabrina, make yourself at home.
If there's anything you need, just give a holler.

Wouldn't want to do that,
might wake myself up.

If anybody's interested,
I've got the tree all ready to decorate.

Or maybe you want to do something
more relaxing, like roast chestnuts?

On an open fire, with jackfrost nipping at my nose?

Pace yourself, you don't want
to peak before we deck the halls.

Hey Chip, why don't you help the girls
up to their rooms with their luggage?

- With pleasure!
- Come on!

Doesn't get any better than this!

Wow, it does get even better!

- See you downstairs.
- I'd like that! I mean… yeah, sure.

You can put your clothes in the closet
and the bathroom is through there,

but come on, I want to show you
the view from my room.

Hey, your brother is really cute.
Is he dating anybody?

No, for some reason he just can't seem
to find the right girl.

Maybe the right girl needed to find him.

It's been a long ride.

I need to freshen up.

I still say if we had tot a tether to Sabrina's back, she couldn't have abandoned us at Christmas.

and we could have had a vigorous game of tetherball.

Christmas won't certainly be the same without her.

We're going to have
to reconfigure the seating arrangements.

Just don't put Blitzen near the liquor cabinet,

they don't call him that for nothing.

You know, I can't find the dish
I use for my emu casserole.

I lent it to Sabrina, I'll go get it.

Even though the last thing I want to do
is get stuck in the holiday rush.

It's madness out there!
All right, where is that dish?

Whoever you are, I'm warning you,
I have a black belt!

Roxie?

Ok, it's charcoal, but it goes with the shoes.

Hilda, what are you doing here?
And what's with your hair?

A better question is what are you doing here?

Sabrina said you were home enjoying
a delightful Christmas involving cigarettes.

I lied. I'm not going.

But Roxie, don't you want to spend
Christmas with your family?

And eat lukewarm chalupas while listening
to my parents cough up a lung? Pass!

Well, you can't spend Christmas
seating here all by yourself!

I'll be fine. I don't want
anybody feeling sorry for me.

- Oh, you poor, pathetic dear!
- Like that.

Oh, if only I could freeze this moment!

Actually, I can, but that
would be kind of creepy.

Sabrina, would you like to help me
with the cookies? I could use a hand!

And I've got 2! Baking cookies at Christmas
time is one of my favorite things to do.

Oh, isn't that nice? Of course,
you're not expected to stay
in the kitchen 365 days a year

like a dutiful wife, trapped behind your apron.

Maybe I'll just go see
how Chip is doing with those lights?

Hey, need any help?

Another one of my favourite things to do
at Christmas time is untangle lights.

Knock yourself out.

So, Morgan tells me your pre-med
at Harvard, that's great!

The truth is I dropped out 2 years ago
but I haven't told my parents

because I want those checks to keep coming.
Keep that under your hat.

No problem, as long as you promise not to do
anything ending in -ectomy or -urgery.

- Do you want to know another secret?
- No, one's enough for me!

So, can I do anything?

- Stupid thing won't light.
- I'll tell you what you can do

you can show iron-deficient John here
how to split a log.

Any idiot knows you have
to split a log if you want it to burn!

Oh, I'll burn something for you.
I'll burn this whole house to the ground!

Note to self:
check smoke detector in my bedroom.

Ok, I just have to go
to talk to Zelda for a quick minute.

- Stay! Sit!
- I'm not a dog.

I know! I just don't want you
to run away. Or chew anything up.

Lain pan with emu mixture
and top with cream of mushroom soup
and Durkee's fried onions.

Hi!

Hi! Oh, good, you brought
the casserole dish.

That's not the only thing I brought.
I found Roxie hiding out at Sabrina's house

so I invited her to spend Christmas with us.

What? Are you mad?

We have relatives coming from the Other Realm!

And a poor, pathetic girl from this Realm
who has nowhere to go on Christmas!

She's seating out there like a dog!

You know what? We can tell
the relatives to move the celebration to aunt Rubie's

and you and I can give Roxie
a traditional mortal Christmas.

Great! Now we just have
to figure out what that is.

Wow, it's beautiful!

Except for that one crooked icicle,
courtesy of my inept husband.

There, now it's perfect.

Thanks Sabrina.
Look, I know my family is a little nuts.

Oh, don't worry about it.
You want to see an assortment of nuts,
come over to my house.

- That's it.
- What's your father doing with the fire extinguisher?

All right, you whiny band of choir boys!

I'll give you a real silent night!

Ok, your family wins first price
on the crazy contest.

Your father has done it again!
Early new year's resolution: have him committed.

Would you excuse me?
It's usually my job to calm down the police.

- This is officially not the perfect Christmas.
- Buhumbug.

Salem, what are you doing here?

I couldn't stand the thought of
cousin Ira staring at me

so I stowed away in your suitcase.

By the by, you might want to run
a lint brush over your unmentionables.

Salem, you can't stay here, you weren't invited.

Nobody invited the wise men.
Gah, rumballs!

You're so out of here.

Hey, where did the cat come from?

Oh, he's mine, I'm sorry. He stowed away.

I mean, he accidentally ended up in my luggage.
Don't worry, I'm going to send him home right now.

But it's over 200 miles.
And it's freezing out there.

Oh, he'll be fine!
Didn't you see The Incredible Journey?

- Animals do that kind of thing all the time.
- Let him stay!

I love cats.

But what about the rest of your family?

I mean, your father can barely
tolerate the carolers, let alone…

Chip?

These are all food mortals love
at Christmas time.

candy cane, fruit cake and eggnogg.

I still don't know why they leave out
the leg. That's what gives it the kick!

Roxie, here's your tray of
traditional Christmas goodies.

For me? Thanks! They smell great.

Fabulous recipe. Got it out of
Mortal Christmas for dummies.

Mortal Christmas?

More till Christmas,
and even more till New Years!

You better to take your tray upstairs,
you don't want to be awake when Santa arrives.

Wouldn't want to do that.
You guys are so cute!

Well, unless we want to be up all night,
we better get those presents under the tree.

Phew, I'm exhausted!

Thank goodness Christmas comes
just once a year.

What a nightmare. If I wanted to see
a freakshow, I would have stayed at home.

I'll give you a nightmare!

A full grown man staring at you
for 3 hours without blinking!

Still, it's gotta be crazier
back at my aunts' house.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
fa la la la la…

Where is everybody?

There are no drunken reindeer,
no hypoglycemic fairies?

No cousin Ira!

I can't believe it!

The one year I decide to go away
and they have a perfect, normal Christmas.

Let's blow this looney log cabin!

But Morgan invited me.
What excuse would I give her?

We hate it here.

- You write the note, I'll pack.
- Got it.

Hey, Sabrina, I just wanted
to apologize for my family.

Oh, no need. I mean,
your family is… no need.

I thought that if I brought a friend up here
they might have actually behaved themselves

but apparently I was mistaken.

Oh, Morgan, you won't have
to worry about that much longer.

I know, I know,
Christmas will be over tomorrow night.

Thank you for putting up with all this.

There is no way I could get through
the next 24 hours without a good friend like you.

- Well, good night.
- Good night.

You better start bathing now,
I hear that Chip wakes up really early.

Merry Christmas, Hilda.

Merry Christmas, Zelda.

Listen to us. We sound like mortals!

Merry Christmas, Roxie!

Merry Christmas!

Wow, I guess Santa did show up last night!

Yes, and he brought you all these presents.

Really?

Well, except for that one,
that one's for me.

I'm kidding, they are all for you!

I could definitely get into this holiday!

Thank you, Sabrina!
Oh, this is so pretty!

Well, you're always borrowing mine,
so I bought you your own.

Then I guess I should give you yours back.

Mom, open the present I got you.

If you're not too looped on the rum balls.

Only way to survive Christmas with you.

I hope you like it.
I think it will look really good on you.

Oh, wow, that's not exactly my color

and, ooh, that fabric is itchy.

Doesn't matter, all she ever wears
to bed are sweatsuits anyway

and she's still cold as ice.

I think it'll look beautiful on you,
Mrs Cavanaugh. What do you think, Chip?

What is he staring at?
I'm not doing anything!

That guy's wacko!

Where are you going, little kitty?

- Dad.
- Yeah?

This is from me.

I think this is something
that you'll really enjoy.

I hope it's a log splitter!
Or better yet, a real man to split them.

Wow, a signed Carl Yastrzemski picture,
that's so cool!

I looked all over town for it,
I know what a big Red Sox fan you are.

Doesn't look like an original signature.

Of course, how would you know
you were getting ripped off with a cheap reproduction?

Boy, they saw you coming!

I guess I can't do anything right.

Of course you can! That's a very thoughtful gift
and a very flattering picture of Yas.

I hope you kept the receipt.

Why does she do that
every time she gives me a gift?

Well, it might have something to do
with the way you say 'thank you'.

I'm going to go get some air.
Come on, Salem

The cat stays here.

Hey. You ok?

I'm such an idiot.

I keep fooling myself into thinking

that one year I'm actually going to have

a normal Christmas.

Yeah, well, normal is relative.

Too bad my relatives aren't normal.

They're not the most appreciative bunch,

I thought the nightgown was beautiful,
and the autographed picture, totally awesome.

I should have given them to you.

No matter how hard I try,
all my parents do is criticize.

Have you ever spoken to them
about the way they treat you?

Yeah, like that would do a lot of good.

You know, Morgan, I don't mean to but in,

but before you write this Christmas off,

maybe you should go in there
and tell them how you feel?

And I'm not just saying that
because my tongue is starting to freeze
to my teeth.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

Dad could spray me with the fire extinguisher?

So you're wet and foamy,
but you started a dialog.

Sabrina, I really appreciate you trying to help,

but I just want to get throuh this,

and get out of here
with whatever dignity I have left.

You're not the only one.

Dirges and funeral marches of the Middle Ages!

Tell me it has Greeks eulogy in it?

The original and the remasted dance mix.

You guys are the best!
I've got something for you too.

Presents for us?

It's nothing, really,
I didn't have much time to shop.

Lotto tickets and Gatorade!

When I snuck out at midnight
7/11 was the only place open.

I love Gatorade!

I've tried to make my own
but it's never as smooth.

Perhaps I'm using the wrong kind of gators.

You guys don't have to make
a big deal out of the gifts.

I know they're not much.

It's not the gifts that's important,
it's the thought behind them.

And you sneaking into that 7/11
speaks volumes.

No, no, Sabrina, we can save that!

Why waste money on gift wrap
when we can use it again and again?

I'm starting to understand how
you're able to afford this chalet.

Morgan, did you find that receipt
for the Yastrzemski picture?

I didn't keep it.

What do you mean,
you threw it away?

Dad, I thought that was
the one gift you wouldn't return.

Well, I certainly can't now.

Watch it, Morgan, watch it!
Your wrinkling perfectly good gift wrap!

Oh, right, you've ruined it.

Give me a break!
It is a piece of gift wrap!

You've been using it since 1986!

What's gotten into you?

All you two do is criticize!

Well, I don't deserve it,
and I don't have to take it anymore!

And I finally realized that
thanks to my good friend, Sabrina.

Gotta go!

Oh, but before I do,
I just want to say one thing,

all Morgan is trying to do here
is have a nice Christmas with her family

but you guys treat her terribly

and you don't treat each other very nicely either

and if you can't be nice at Christmas
I don't even want to know what goes on here at Easter.

Come on, Salem, we're out of here.

No! Don't take the cat!

- I thought we were having a nice Christmas!
- So did I!

Troll the ancient Yule-tide carol
fa la la la la…

Roxie! You're singing?

No, I'm not!
I was just clearing my throat.

fa la la la la…

What are you doing here?

I found her hiding in your house
so I invited her to spend Christmas with us.

What are you doing here?

Yeah, we thought you were having
the perfect Christmas with Morgan's family.

Well, perfect is relative

and compared to them,
my relatives are perfect.

Glad you're home, honey.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

I can't believe you would want
to spend Christmas anywhere else.

Your aunts really knock themselves out
when it comes to Christmas.

Blitzen! Didn't you get my email
about the change of plans?

Wow, a real reindeer!
You guys are amazing.

I'm coming here again next year.

Yeah, well, if you're looking for the perfect
Christmas, everything you need is here.

Friends, family, reindeer…
lotto tickets?

Oh, I won!
I'm going to the liquor store to get my $2.

Blitzen, I believe you know the way.

Reindeers love Christmas.

Sabrina, your aunts are so generous!

Yeah, that'll teach me to leave
at Christmas time.

Hey, what's all this?

My mother packed us a few leftovers.

We have enough potato latkes
and brisket to clog all the arteries
of everyone in New England.

Sabrina!
I just got off the phone with my dad.

You'll be happy to know that
he's not returning the Yastrzemski picture after all.

He decided to put it on his desk at work.

That's fantastic!

You know, you really made
an impression on my family.

In fact, they want you
to come back next Christmas.

That is so… not going to happen.

I totally understand.

Oh, but Chip says, anytime you need a cat sitter…

Also not gonna happen.